Etiquette

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  • edited July 2014
    You seem to be setting yourself up for failure. What exactly is going to be happening the 4 days? Are you guys ever planning to go out for dinner? If you do and someone orders a beer or 2 will you freak? Honestly, I'm not a big drinker but 9 times out of 10 when I go out of town or go up north or something I bring a bottle or 2 of wine. I would probably do this. It's a weekend getaway. Even if you put a house rules insert I would more than likely forget. Would you freak out if you saw someone walk in holding a bottle of wine or a 6 pack? I'm just honestly curious about what you plan to do when this REAL situation could happen.

    ETA - My brother doesnt drink. He hasn't in 15 years. I understand this and I respect this, but when we go out for dinner I don't NOT order a glass of wine. And he also wouldn't see it as disrespectful if I did order a glass of wine. You seem to think your friends would be disrespecting you if they decided to leave the house and have a cocktail. I don't understand that.
    FiancB
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Also, maybe I suck, but if my family member was like "And we'll take 4 days! Make my wedding your vacation this year!" I would not be into that. I already have a vacation planned.
    Then I suck right along with you.  A dry, 4 day weekend in the same house as 20 other family members in no way sounds like fun or a vacation to me.  In fact it sounds like the antithesis of both of those things.


    If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this. 
    People who know how uncomfortable you are around alcohol yet have repeatedly gotten shit-faced drunk in front of you before, and enjoy drinking to get drunk on a regular basis, are somehow going to be fine with this? OK... but then why are you asking?
    And so much this.  People are NOT going to change their behaviors just because you are getting married.  Sorry, not likely to happen.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    chibiyui[Deleted User]ashley8918beharrington
  • @cu97tiger I love the idea behind your signature picture! So cool!
    casey8784ashley8918
  • @cu97tiger I love the idea behind your signature picture! So cool!

    Thanks! Next year will be tough because this year's picture was a little grainy, so it will look really bad as an 11x14. I was thinking we could hold the phone out close to the camera, with us in the background for next year. After that, we might have to only do big anniversaries... :)
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    Still here and still fabulous!

  • MGP said:
    RosieC18 said:
    they aren't required to cater to your irrationality 

    STUCK IN THE BOX

    This is genius and I am going to use it every single time a bride comes on here and complains when people won't cave into their ridiculous demands.

    Besides everything else that has already been said - why hasn't anyone questioned the OP why they want to share their wedding night and honeymoon with 12 to 20 other people in the same house, and why would their guests want to share the couple's wedding night and honeymoon in a house, with no alcohol nonetheless?  Sounds like a terrible time all the way around.
    This, so much. I really want to know why this 4 day wedding situation is necessary.
    PrettyGirlLostcasey8784perdonami
  • My guess is your four "problem drinkers" are FI's family and you can't not invite them. Fine. You've accepted that. The next thing you need to accept is that you cannot dictate other people's behavior. You can set house rules, but you can't make rules for outside the house and you seriously need to consider how you will be enforcing the house rules. Someone staggers in drunk at 2am, what do you do, and how does that impact your future relationship? Drunk people are annoying, but easier to put up with than a sour relationship with the in-laws.....


    image
    PrettyGirlLostluckysnorkeltheartistformerlyknownas
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    MGP said:
    RosieC18 said:
    they aren't required to cater to your irrationality 

    STUCK IN THE BOX

    This is genius and I am going to use it every single time a bride comes on here and complains when people won't cave into their ridiculous demands.

    Besides everything else that has already been said - why hasn't anyone questioned the OP why they want to share their wedding night and honeymoon with 12 to 20 other people in the same house, and why would their guests want to share the couple's wedding night and honeymoon in a house, with no alcohol nonetheless?  Sounds like a terrible time all the way around.
    We spent our wedding night in a house with 19 other people (my whole family, kids and all).  Huge beach rental house.  Every person was in a real bed.  Every room had their own bathroom.  

    We didn't start out staying there, but our hotel reservation got mess up the manager was a huge ass so we decided to just go back to the beach house were the room I stayed in the days leading up to the wedding was still empty.     

    Not ideal,  but it worked out.   We left for the HM the next day.

    Of course our house was stocked with a full bar.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    Knottie20363977ashley8918
  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    My guess is your four "problem drinkers" are FI's family and you can't not invite them. Fine. You've accepted that. The next thing you need to accept is that you cannot dictate other people's behavior. You can set house rules, but you can't make rules for outside the house and you seriously need to consider how you will be enforcing the house rules. Someone staggers in drunk at 2am, what do you do, and how does that impact your future relationship? Drunk people are annoying, but easier to put up with than a sour relationship with the in-laws.....


    You know what this makes me think of?  The uber-conservative parents/church pastors/authority figures who say their poeple can't do 'X' so what do the people do? Go out, do 'x' in excess...

    If you tell them they can't drink, and force them to go elsewhere (and they will) you'd better hope and pray that they are smart enough to not drink and drive.  

    They will drink, that's not a question.  It's a celebratory 4 day weekend/vacation.  Question is, will they be of sound enough mind away from the cabin to make it home safely?

    Edited: For clarification of the point...not just parents/kids.  When you 'ban' someone from doing something, they're going to try harder to find a way TO do that thing.
    indianaalum
  • LDay2014 said:
    My guess is your four "problem drinkers" are FI's family and you can't not invite them. Fine. You've accepted that. The next thing you need to accept is that you cannot dictate other people's behavior. You can set house rules, but you can't make rules for outside the house and you seriously need to consider how you will be enforcing the house rules. Someone staggers in drunk at 2am, what do you do, and how does that impact your future relationship? Drunk people are annoying, but easier to put up with than a sour relationship with the in-laws.....


    You know what this makes me think of?  The uber-conservative parents who say their kids can't do 'X' so what do the kids do? Go out, do 'x' in excess...

    If you tell them they can't drink, and force them to go elsewhere (and they will) you'd better hope and pray that they are smart enough to not drink and drive.  

    They will drink, that's not a question.  It's a celebratory 4 day weekend/vacation.  Question is, will they be of sound enough mind away from the cabin to make it home safely?
    Yes, but parents of minor children can ground them, take away the car or other privileges, assign extra chores, etc. What are the bride and groom going to do? Send their guests to bed with no supper? Exclude them from the next evening's game night? Or just make a big scene?
    image
    indianaalum
  • If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this. 

    ***Stuck in the box***

    OP, the above bolded statement really makes me shake my head and honestly, it makes me feel bad for you. The fact that you specifically point out drinking in a statement that references "doing what you want to do in life" tells me that you have a really biased attitude towards the practice of drinking. I'm not sure what has happened to you in life that's caused you to be this way, but the longer you harbor these negative thoughts about drinking--and the people who drink--the longer you will find yourself to be miserable and uncomfortable. That's no way to live.

    If these 4 guests who like to drink a lot are your future in-laws, then PLEASE consider how this will affect your life and your relationship with them moving forward before you try to force your personal values onto them. I totally understand wanting people to respect your wishes in your own home. I personally would never let someone smoke cigarettes in my home, but they can obviously go outside to do it. One thing I stand very firm on is that I would also never allow anyone to be in my home if they'd been using certain drugs (I'm talking heroine, crack, or similar hard drugs), no matter where they'd used them.... but then again, if I knew of anyone who did them, I wouldn't have a relationship with them to begin with and I'd NEVER invite them on a 4-day vacation and expect them to drop their habit just like that!

    I want you to know, OP, that people who drink aren't bad people. Even people who drink to get drunk aren't bad people. I'll even go so far as to say that (most) alcoholics are not bad people. Please do yourself a favor and stop vilifying drinkers/the habit of drinking, it's obviously causing you more anxiety than you should have. 
    I'm going to disagree about the bolded. Life is all about doing what you want. Granted, it is not about doing those things free from consequences, but still, I feel sad that you think life is not about doing what you want. We are given one life to enjoy, you'd better believe I am going to do what I want or die trying.
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    PrettyGirlLostbethsmilesladyamanuet
  • MegEn1 said:
    I want wine in the worst way now. 

    image
    I'm actually sitting here reading this, while sipping a glass of wine! (Granted, had poured it before starting this thread, so....)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • @Liatris2010  I'm sure she meant that life at the beach wedding/vacation home from hell is not all about doing what you want. And it definitely isn't about drinking.
    PrettyGirlLostLiatris2010Knottie20363977morphemes
  • If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this. 
    It escalated to this because you said in your first post that anyone drinking alcohol of any kind makes you want to cry.
    When, really, it's all about just four people who like to drink excessively. AND who would totes understand if you asked them not to.

    So, there is your answer. Just ask those four people to not drink excessively during the weekend. If you aren't close to them to talk to them about this, then they shouldn't be on your short list of 20 people you really have to have there. There is no need to ban all alcohol if the alcohol itself isn't the problem.

    However, if you want to ban all alcohol, go for it. Just put it in the information you'll be giving all the guests. For instance:
    ~Arrival time should be between 11am and 12 pm on Thursday. Lunch will be served at 12:30pm.
    ~Pillows will be provided, but it is encouraged you bring your own pillowcase
    ~Food and snacks will be provided, but please feel free to bring any snacks or drinks you want in addition to what will be provided. Limited refridgeration space will be provided.
    ~ Alcohol and alcoholic beverages will not be permitted in the house or on the grounds.
    ~Please bring a towel if you plan on using the lake for swimming

    Something like that? You can print them out on nice card stock paper and insert them with the invitations.
    image
    casey8784ashleyep[Deleted User]
  • Sars06Sars06 member
    Fifth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Serious question - if you hate being around intoxicated people so much, how do you even know that these 4 people like to get as drunk as they apparently do? I would think you would avoid being in those situations in the first place.

    I am also confused as to how these people are close enough friends to be invited to your intimate 20 person wedding weekend but not close enough to know and respect your discomfort with alcohol. How do you spend time with them usually? 

    I know if I had a friend who was vehemently anti-something, I would assume that something (whatever it is) would not be part of her wedding.
    RebeccaB88
  • edited July 2014
  • edited July 2014
  • ahyatt87ahyatt87 member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    I just think this is the reason prohibition failed miserably. As soon as you tell adults that they are not allowed to do something they feel is well within their right to do, they will go out of their way to do the very thing you are trying to prevent. I would have no problem attending a dry wedding. I routinely go to my MIL's for dinner and she has a dry household, but there is a reason I don't stay with her for extended periods of time. I simply don't agree with the rules. OP with such a small guest list you can just spread that the house rule is no alcohol allowed. But please don't be surprised if not everyone is thrilled or if people find their own accommodations. I'm going to go have a glass of wine with my dinner now. ETA Knot paragraph fail!
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    Knottie20363977
  • edited July 2014
  • So glad you took the time to respond to what was clearly (or so I thought) a joke,
    @Liatris2010 I'm not sure about your family, but if you seriously need 'social lube' to get along... You need more than booze. Who ever said anything about 19 people? I specifically said it will be about 12 people. 

    @SimplyFated My wanting to cry is wrong? I don't get that. It shouldn't make any of you angry. It was a personal attack on nobody. Certain things make people uncomfortable. Some people don't like drugs. Some people don't like smoking. Some people don't like bugs. Actually, my fiance runs from spiders. People have irrational fears, and maybe my irrational fear is those who are intoxicated. I didn't feel the need to share any family history of alcoholism to prove good reasoning.  People are just bothered by certain things. This is my thing. It was nobody's job to rant and rage and freak out about it. I don't care what any of you drink! I just don't want intoxicated family members around me. It makes me uncomfortable.
    My guess is your four "problem drinkers" are FI's family and you can't not invite them. Fine. You've accepted that. The next thing you need to accept is that you cannot dictate other people's behavior. You can set house rules, but you can't make rules for outside the house and you seriously need to consider how you will be enforcing the house rules. Someone staggers in drunk at 2am, what do you do, and how does that impact your future relationship? Drunk people are annoying, but easier to put up with than a sour relationship with the in-laws.....


    but not this, which is actually helpful and worthy of consideration (or so I thought). Rules that you can't enforce are pointless and do nothing but draw ire. If that is how you want to start off your marriage and relationship with your in laws or whoever else, good luck. I have no doubt you will need it.
    image
    luckysnorkelPrettyGirlLost
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