@Liatris2010 I'm not sure about your family, but if you seriously need 'social lube' to get along... You need more than booze. Who ever said anything about 19 people? I specifically said it will be about 12 people.
@SimplyFated My wanting to cry is wrong? I don't get that. It shouldn't make any of you angry. It was a personal attack on nobody. Certain things make people uncomfortable. Some people don't like drugs. Some people don't like smoking. Some people don't like bugs. Actually, my fiance runs from spiders. People have irrational fears, and maybe my irrational fear is those who are intoxicated. I didn't feel the need to share any family history of alcoholism to prove good reasoning. People are just bothered by certain things. This is my thing. It was nobody's job to rant and rage and freak out about it. I don't care what any of you drink! I just don't want intoxicated family members around me. It makes me uncomfortable.
I don't think anyone was saying that it's wrong for you to have this fear to the point of crying. It is just different and is odd. The whole situation just sounds odd ... you have these 4 people who you know are highly likely to drink in excess, and you are inviting them to spend time with you and your new husband on a lake house and expect them to not drink? This just sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Fyi OP, I'd totes get tipsy at your lake house, because you don't own me. It also takes respect to earn respect. Treating me like I'm an annoying 5 year old is disrespectful.
As I said to OP before. your REAL issue will be people complying. People who "don't drink" will still "not drink. so they never were or will be your issue.
Those who want to party, will party and nothing you say/do will stop that. They may say "sure" when you tell them no alcohol, but if they are going to do it, they are going to do it no matter what. Alcoholics promise not to drink on a daily basis and still drink. Asking them not to drink will NOT change their behacior. Then what? Kick them out of the weekend? you are setting yourself up for disaster when you catch people drinking. THAT is what we are trying to tell you. Can you ask your guests? Sure, I suppose but you still can't control what they do when they get there.
Truth be told, I could go months/years without alcohol, I really just don't drink very much. But when I go on vacation, I would hate for someone to think I am an "alcoholic" if I drink a couple of drinks because I know I don't have to drive or work the next day.
If people are spending money to fly to your destination (can't remember where you said you are getting married) and use their "vacation" days, normal "drinkers" are gonna drink...nothing you can say or do will change that.
You can ask all you want, but you will provably end up with disaster.
your best bet is to have a quiet weekend with your hubby and have guests stay elsewhere. have a dry RECEPTION and even spend all weekend with guest, but have them sleep elsewhere or you will have disaster I can almost guarantee
@Liatris2010 If someone stumbled in drunk at 2am, I would probably stay in my room away from it and be uncomfortable. I'm not going to punch anyone. I do not want to create a sour relationship with his side of the family, but I also do not want memories to all be clouded by who got drunk. I'm sure you will all bold this, so let me help. If someone brought alcohol, I would kindly ask them to put it back into their vehicle. This isn't open for debate. The question of how do I politely ban it has been answered. There is no need for further discussion.
And we told you. The "best" way to do it is by word of mouth. Don't get your jimmies rustled when we responded to the information you provided.
@slothiegal Yes, someone told me that over 12 hours ago. I don't get why all these people are still arguing about it.
It's because you can't control what people on the Internet say. And most of us aren't arguing; we all are in agreement that you are trying to control people too much.
@Liatris2010 If someone stumbled in drunk at 2am, I would probably stay in my room away from it and be uncomfortable. I'm not going to punch anyone. I do not want to create a sour relationship with his side of the family, but I also do not want memories to all be clouded by who got drunk. I'm sure you will all bold this, so let me help. If someone brought alcohol, I would kindly ask them to put it back into their vehicle.This isn't open for debate. The question of how do I politely ban it has been answered. There is no need for further discussion.
#####Stuck in the box
Good try trying to guess what I was going to bold But seriously, don't worry about this, you will have good memories of your wedding so long as you get married. Enjoy getting married, everything else will seem insignificant. There is a lot of pressure to create a perfect wedding experience, but life isn't perfect. Things will go differently than planned, people will do stuff you didn't care for them to do, and you will be too busy being happy about being married to care. Do you thing, and worry less about everyone else. I sincerely hope that if anyone stumbles into the lodge drunk at 2am you will be too busy having hot, steamy sex to hear, notice, or care.
@slothiegal Yes, someone told me that over 12 hours ago. I don't get why all these people are still arguing about it.
It's because you can't control what people on the Internet say. And most of us aren't arguing; we all are in agreement that you are trying to control people too much.
@ahyatt87 Thank you! Please enjoy your glass of wine because there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Have two! I think I will just have a conversation with everyone and talk about it. Thanks again.
First of all, I'm kind of curious as to why you took such a positive response to @ahyatt87's response when the last 6 pages of PP's practically said the exact same thing. (no offense to @ahyatt at all - i'm in the same boat as you, but with my best childhood friend instead of my FMIL!)
Secondly, OP, many other people do have phobias and they don't need to talk to a therapist, be it an adversion to spiders, or clowns, or hell, to needles and thunderstorms (my FI likes to tease me relentlessly about them - in college i often took my ipod, my pillow, and my blanket, and camped out in the window-less bathroom if a thunderstorm stuck in the middle of the night!) but for the most part, those phobias aren't things that people encounter often, or it's very easy to avoid it. Alcohol is such a world-wide socially accepted practice/drink/what-have-you that (ONLY based on what you've said in your posts - i don't know you and i'm not lucky enough to have the ability to read minds) it is almost impossible to avoid, and it seems that with how uncomfortable you get with alcohol and people drinking, it IS actually interfering with your daily life. The other PP's were merely suggesting that talking to someone may make your daily life a bit less stressful/more happy. How defensive your post sounded (whether intentional or not. again, we can't read minds) just solidified that assumption.
Lastly, FTR, they weren't bashing. Name-calling, threatening you, etc, that's bashing/bullying, and THAT is what is outlined as a no-no in the rules. Giving an honest opinion is practically the entire purpose of these boards, and ESPECIALLY on the etiquette board...
ETA: words are hard. especially after a couple glasses of wine.
@Liatris2010 If someone stumbled in drunk at 2am, I would probably stay in my room away from it and be uncomfortable. I'm not going to punch anyone. I do not want to create a sour relationship with his side of the family, but I also do not want memories to all be clouded by who got drunk. I'm sure you will all bold this, so let me help. If someone brought alcohol, I would kindly ask them to put it back into their vehicle.This isn't open for debate. The question of how do I politely ban it has been answered. There is no need for further discussion.
#####Stuck in the box
Good try trying to guess what I was going to bold But seriously, don't worry about this, you will have good memories of your wedding so long as you get married. Enjoy getting married, everything else will seem insignificant. There is a lot of pressure to create a perfect wedding experience, but life isn't perfect. Things will go differently than planned, people will do stuff you didn't care for them to do, and you will be too busy being happy about being married to care. Do you thing, and worry less about everyone else. I sincerely hope that if anyone stumbles into the lodge drunk at 2am you will be too busy having hot, steamy sex to hear, notice, or care.
Lia is wise. Seriously, did you see my story about vomity stranger hugging me in my wedding dress?
Guess what? I still had a hell of a time and am now a happily old married hag of exactly one month today! It affects my marriage and wedding happiness zero amounts.
If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this.
SITB
I do not understand the order of these words.
OP you must realize by now this isn't about drinking. If you said 'alpacas are forbidden' I would seriously wonder for a moment where I could borrow an alpaca.
OP, these two statements you made point to the very core of the problem: your main focus is all on yourself, rather than the comfort of your guests. I know one poster went into depth about her similar reaction to being around drunk people, but she acknowledged that this problem is entirely her own and she does not think anybody around her owes her their sobriety nor should they adhere to her lifestyle choices. I think you need to give this perspective some serious consideration.
I have no reason not to believe you if you say that these 4 guests will be ok with your rules; if you so say, then I'm sure that is the case because I don't know them. However, just think about the reality that you cannot control what the people around you will do, not 100% of the time, and usually never% of the time. You're so focused on yourself and on your own level of comfort that you're failing to acknowledge what kind of position of discomfort this might put your guests in. Who knows, maybe those guests will feel guilty as hell knowing how badly they want to have a few drinks and they WILL go out and sneak them, worrying the whole time that you don't catch them or smell booze on their breath. Is that hypothetical scenario really something you'd want to happen for your guests, people you love and care about??
You came here to ask how to politely ban alcohol from entire weekend dedicated to your wedding. The harsh truth is that there really isn't a truly politely way to do it. Do as PPs suggested and either spread by word of mouth, or include a line on your invite enclosure that "No alcohol or alcoholic beverages will be permitted in the home or on the property." And then just let it go from there, and let grown ups be grown ups without worrying about it.
I think you have a pretty unrealistic schema of both what drinking looks like and what a wedding is like.
I think your best plan here is to simply not serve alcohol, and maybe spread around the idea that there will be lots of fun activities planned, this is a family gathering, etc. Most people can recognize that this might not be the best situation to bring a keg into. If someone does bring a 6 pack or two, it's still unlikely they have plans to get piss drunk in front of a bunch of strangers.
And even if all 4 of these people get so drunk they can't function? I bet you will barely notice, if at all. At some point maybe they'll need to be sent home. Something does always go wrong at a wedding and maybe this will be your thing. Oh well. It reflects badly on them, not you.
We know people that drink a lot. In fact, all the groomsmen are old drinking buddies of DH's. We provided alcohol and everyone still behaved. You don't have to provide alcohol, but that's where I'd draw the line. Here are your options:
1. Do like I said, lead by example and hope for the best. Accept that you can't control guests' behavior and realize that even if things do go awry, your day will not be ruined.
2. Don't invite the people in question.
3. Invite them but change the wedding around so that they don't have much of a chance to make you uncomfortable, and vice versa.
4. Do things the way you like and risk having a lot of declines and/or being seen as a controlling, ungracious host.
You decide what's most important to you. #4 IS an option, we're just trying to show that maybe it's not the best one.
The problem when you don't just skip alcohol but ban it completely is that no matter what, you are suggesting that the fact that these other people drink makes them less moral and upstanding individuals than you. "No offense, we're just against alcohol consumption and we don't want to even see it" insinuates "I judge the crap out of you for your most likely reasonable, adult, legal consumption of alcohol", between the lines.
Lots of stuff went wrong at my wedding and we're still married and we still had a great time and we still had tons of compliments on how fun and beautiful it was. Probably because exactly zero fucks were given about what the guests were doing on their own time.
If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this.
SITB
I do not understand the order of these words.
OP you must realize by now this isn't about drinking. If you said 'alpacas are forbidden' I would seriously wonder for a moment where I could borrow an alpaca.
If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this.
SITB
I do not understand the order of these words.
OP you must realize by now this isn't about drinking. If you said 'alpacas are forbidden' I would seriously wonder for a moment where I could borrow an alpaca.
If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this.
SITB
I do not understand the order of these words.
OP you must realize by now this isn't about drinking. If you said 'alpacas are forbidden' I would seriously wonder for a moment where I could borrow an alpaca.
But that's just me.
Llamas are allowed though, right?
blueskies13 How would you react if one of the guest stood up to you or they didn't want to stay at the house because they didn't like being told what to do? Or they decide to bring it anyway?
@Liatris2010 I am dying at the Llama....I can't stop laughing
Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.
If these 'legal adults' have respect for my fiance and I, they will respect our wishes. Life isn't all about doing what you wanna do and drinking. There will be other beverages. If someone were to go out and get drunk at a bar, it would be hugely disrespectful. I just don't think that's going to happen. They are going to be fine with this, it's ridiculous that it even escalated to this.
It escalated to this because you said in your first post that anyone drinking alcohol of any kind makes you want to cry. When, really, it's all about just four people who like to drink excessively. AND who would totes understand if you asked them not to.
So, there is your answer. Just ask those four people to not drink excessively during the weekend. If you aren't close to them to talk to them about this, then they shouldn't be on your short list of 20 people you really have to have there. There is no need to ban all alcohol if the alcohol itself isn't the problem.
However, if you want to ban all alcohol, go for it. Just put it in the information you'll be giving all the guests. For instance: ~Arrival time should be between 11am and 12 pm on Thursday. Lunch will be served at 12:30pm. ~Pillows will be provided, but it is encouraged you bring your own pillowcase ~Food and snacks will be provided, but please feel free to bring any snacks or drinks you want in addition to what will be provided. Limited refridgeration space will be provided. ~ Alcohol and alcoholic beverages will not be permitted in the house or on the grounds. ~Please bring a towel if you plan on using the lake for swimming
Something like that? You can print them out on nice card stock paper and insert them with the invitations.
This a good idea. It could be assumed it's part of the rental agreement then OP's irrational fear.
ETA - change the "will not" to "are not".
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
@AlexisA01 Well, then they could leave or stay somewhere else. Like I said, it's an option for them to stay for the weekend. They can leave after the reception. If they brought it anyway, I'd tell them to put it back in the car or stay elsewhere... Just because even if I were being unfair, they would be being unkind by deliberately bringing it just to spite me.
Why do I have this feeling that blueskies ain't shining?
@lyndausvi I don't know that I'd go as far as to call it an irrational fear, but assuming it's a term of the rental agreement is a wonderful idea.
um. yeah. It's an irrational fear to be this worried about 4 people who like to drink.
If I was this worried no way would I offer them to spend 4 days with me in the same house. DH had a friend who does drugs. Know what? I don't invite him to stay in my house (we live OOT). Pretty damn easy actually.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
You aren't even properly hosting them - you're requesting they chip in on food while you cover the house costs and a reception dinner. I think then it becomes, OK @blueskies13 is going to cover the house, we bring the food. Which is how a lot of weekends away go for families. A joint effort.
I, for one, would bring some fruit. But by fruit, I mean a case of pinot noir.
@lyndausvi I don't know that I'd go as far as to call it an irrational fear, but assuming it's a term of the rental agreement is a wonderful idea.
um. yeah. It's an irrational fear to be this worried about 4 people who like to drink.
If I was this worried no way would I offer them to spend 4 days with me in the same house. DH had a friend who does drugs. Know what? I don't invite him to stay in my house (we live OOT). Pretty damn easy actually.
No kidding. Did OP ever answer why she's asking these people stay with her? Why she simply doesn't extend the invitation?
That seems a hell of a lot easier and less ridiculous than making up rules about what's allowed on the property. No one who wanted to successfully rent out their vacation property would ever attempt to prohibit alcohol.
Re: (closed)
Fyi OP, I'd totes get tipsy at your lake house, because you don't own me. It also takes respect to earn respect. Treating me like I'm an annoying 5 year old is disrespectful.
Guess what? I still had a hell of a time and am now a happily old married hag of exactly one month today! It affects my marriage and wedding happiness zero amounts.
I have no reason not to believe you if you say that these 4 guests will be ok with your rules; if you so say, then I'm sure that is the case because I don't know them. However, just think about the reality that you cannot control what the people around you will do, not 100% of the time, and usually never% of the time. You're so focused on yourself and on your own level of comfort that you're failing to acknowledge what kind of position of discomfort this might put your guests in. Who knows, maybe those guests will feel guilty as hell knowing how badly they want to have a few drinks and they WILL go out and sneak them, worrying the whole time that you don't catch them or smell booze on their breath. Is that hypothetical scenario really something you'd want to happen for your guests, people you love and care about??
You came here to ask how to politely ban alcohol from entire weekend dedicated to your wedding. The harsh truth is that there really isn't a truly politely way to do it. Do as PPs suggested and either spread by word of mouth, or include a line on your invite enclosure that "No alcohol or alcoholic beverages will be permitted in the home or on the property." And then just let it go from there, and let grown ups be grown ups without worrying about it.
Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.
That seems a hell of a lot easier and less ridiculous than making up rules about what's allowed on the property. No one who wanted to successfully rent out their vacation property would ever attempt to prohibit alcohol.