NER: What the heck do I do?

manateehugger · August 2014

This sounds like a bastardization of The Parent Trap.

And I loved that movie, but if I think about it, holy shit they were awful parents.

MegEn1 · August 2014

@wrongsideoftheotion If you love this stranger, wait for him. If you have to have him right now, you don't love him enough to be in a relationship with him.

The answer is this: 'date' him if you want, long distance, until his girls are old enough to move out and he can move to England. If you're really and truly dedicated to this man, this is what you have to do. Any other avenue is selfish and destructive.

wrigleyville · August 2014

Guys, just because she said "y'all" doesn't mean she isn't from England. That's kind of nitpicky.

I use a lot of English phrases because I've picked them up from various friends, TV shows, and books. That doesn't mean I'm not American.

steph861 · August 2014

SaraBrideSoon said:

steph11814 said:

SaraBrideSoon said:

Yep...I still think this is total MUD. You go to numerous wedding boards, post the same scenario yet leave out very important details here, then you post it on one of the boards known to have drama? And then you won't answer questions. MUD MUD MUD!

In her defense, it looks like she posted on Wedding Bee (and the update about not being pregnant) before she even made the initial post on TK, which could be why it was never mentioned here.

Yes but that would have all been useful information. Like that she met him online, saw him for a week, had a pregnancy scare. All of that is relevent, not just the preggo part.

That's true. I can't think of any reasons why she left that other info out.

lilacck28 · August 2014

Am I the only one who is concerned that this guy could be a nut job? Or abusive? I really liked my fiance as soon as I met him. And decided I was in love with him about a month, two months into dating. But I still was not absolutely convinced that he wouldn't turn out to be a bad guy, because 2 months (even though I saw him nearly every day) just wasn't that long. It was only after a prolonged amount of time where I saw how he handled life and treated other people that I fully believed he was a decent human being, which made me willing to move in with him. If I had a child, I would have been waiting a lot longer to make that determination. Am I just super paranoid?

PrettyGirlLost · August 2014

wrongsideoftheocean said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Wait a minute did OP actually confirm that she only spent one week with this "FI" in person?
Yes.

??????

More context please. I'm so confused. What is the relationship timeline you have discussed? And how did you meet? And how do you stay in contact? And what were the circumstances of breaking up with your son's father?
I'm not understanding the first question, I'm sorry, so Ima take a stab at that one, and assume you mean when are FI and I talking of this actually taking place. If that's the case... We're looking at maybe 18 months before I move out there, and a year or so after that, getting married.

We met online. On a game app. We use a chat app to message throughout the day, and FaceTime every night.

My ex and I were together just under eight years. About five years ago, something changed. I never did know what, but he became a different person over the space of about a week. It was like he got some monumental bad news or something that shook him to his core, but try as I might, I never knew what, or if that even happened.

Things kinda went bad from there. We had odd glimmering moments of happy, but that was the start of the end. I found out I was pregnant. A surprise, since I had been on the injection for about two years. Against the odds, that brought us together. About a year ago, the strain started to come back. About three months after that, I commented to him about how much DS had changed, and seemed really miserable and confused and acting-up-y over the last week. He said he'd noticed it too, and that led to how no matter what we hid from DS, he could still sense the atmosphere, and that for his happiness, we were better removing that atmosphere than trying to fight on as a unit on false unity. So we split. DS is now his happy smiley self, and we know we made the right choice. We now have the odd occasion where one of us will meet the other from work, we'll walk DS home through the park and spend half hour with him as a family. He'll then drop either me alone or me and DS back to mine, depending on which day it is, and go home himself.

I really don't think this a good idea, for a number of reasons.

1st and foremost, I don't think you have your son's best interest at heart. I think it's a terrible idea to try and uproot him and move to the US and separate him from a loving and involved father. I don't know how custody works in the UK< but if his father puts up a fight, well good luck with that.

And I think it's also a terrible idea for you to abandon your son to move to the US for a guy you don't really know and have not really spent any real time together with. . . that's the alternative if the UK won't grant you the rights to move with your son.

Then there's the logistical issue of you even getting into this country- immigration lawyers, correct me if I am wrong:

1st, the US government doesn't to my knowledge grant visitor's visas for longer than 12 months at a time, 6-8 is the longest I have ever heard, and you typically have to have family in the US to get a visitor's visa for that length of time. Once your visa expires you must leave and you cannot reapply for a visitor's visa for 12 months I think.

Also, they will flat out ask you if you are trying to seek permanent residence and citizenship to the US, and if they suspect you are they will deny the visa. You must provide proof of return, which means you must convince the immigration officer that you have a residence in your country of origin which you have no intention of abandoning. You have to proove to the immigration officer that you are intending to come to the US for a specifically limited period of time, and that the purpose of your trip is business related, for medical reasons, or for pure tourism.

You trying to enter this country with your son to shack up with your American BF is going to throw up huge red flags at the immigration office.

Not only that, but you and your BF need to speak to an immigration lawyer and familiarize yourselves with the rules and penalties related to marriage immigration fraud, as the penalties can be quite severe for both the US Citizen and the foreign national, and include jail time and hefty fines.

indianaalum · August 2014

STARMOON44 said:

If there's a way to prove this is not MUD, I'm okay with that. It's very real, I'm genuinely here to hear what y'all have to say. As hard as it is to read what people are saying about how this can't work etc, as bad as it is knowing people out there think my son is not my number one priority, the only thing that is annoying me is the MUD calls, because I'm genuinely here for advice, and that is all.
The advice is, pretty much unanimously, don't do this. Break up with this guy. Plan on never seeing him again. Spend time just you taking care of your son. Date people who live near you. Personally, I can't think of a single other fact you could give me that would make me think anything other than get over this guy and grow up.

Agree 1 billion percent, except..Also, seek counseling.

If you are willing to move to another country, uproot your child, all for a stranger you met for 1 week on the internet, you are CLEARLY missing something in your life and should seek counseling ASAP.

For all you know, the guy could be married and stringing you along!! News alert, people on the internet LIE!!! People like him have wives ALL the fricking time

We have a saying where I am at "You are who you are, no matter where you go"

If you are miserable in England, you will be miserable in the U.S.

laceykeo · August 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:
Questions asked by other OPs that are as of yet unanswered:

1. Why did you break up with your son's father?

2.
How did you meet your current bf (FI?)? It doesn't sound like it was
through a business trip or anything so... was it online? I don't really
understand how or why you entered into a relationship with someone from
another country when you had a son and therefore an important
foundation in the UK.

3. Have you discussed this at all with the Dad?? Does he know anything
about your new relationship or any of the ideas you're having?

4. How does your boyfriend's custody of his children work? Do they live in
the same town and see each other every week? Do they live farther away
from him and only see him for holidays/summers?

5. If you're so sure you're getting married anyway, what's the harm in
waiting until the girls are out of the house and he can move to England
with you?

1) Now answered

2) Now answered

I didn't plan to fall in love with him. It happened. I can't help that.

Quote box is weird, I'm ditching numbers.

Ex knows I'm in a relationship with someone, knows he's out of the country, and knows I'm serious enough about it to consider it a relationship, even though we're not physically together.

FI and his ex have a pretty similar set-up to what I have here, except the girls are in school so it's more a week/weekend thing.

We can wait to get married. Like I've said, we're already looking at two and a half years before that happens, and that's about the quickest. We're aware it could be longer.

*** not post related***

Brits steal Americanisms all the time. I've been saying "y'all" for years.

misshart00 · August 2014

lilacck28 said:
Am I the only one who is concerned that this guy could be a nut job? Or abusive? I really liked my fiance as soon as I met him. And decided I was in love with him about a month, two months into dating. But I still was not absolutely convinced that he wouldn't turn out to be a bad guy, because 2 months (even though I saw him nearly every day) just wasn't that long. It was only after a prolonged amount of time where I saw how he handled life and treated other people that I fully believed he was a decent human being, which made me willing to move in with him. If I had a child, I would have been waiting a lot longer to make that determination. Am I just super paranoid?

I thought this too. Or my bigger concern is that he likes her but she's the one jumping the gun and calling immigration etc.

sarawifenow · August 2014

wrongsideoftheocean said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

If there's a way to prove this is not MUD, I'm okay with that. It's very real, I'm genuinely here to hear what y'all have to say. As hard as it is to read what people are saying about how this can't work etc, as bad as it is knowing people out there think my son is not my number one priority, the only thing that is annoying me is the MUD calls, because I'm genuinely here for advice, and that is all.

I'm entitled to think (and post) what I think of this post. You can't censor your responses.
Absolutely you are, and I accept that. Censor my responses...? Like, I can't tell you what to post? Also correct. All I'm saying is if there is a way to prove otherwise, I'll do so. Such as can I post a picture on the mobile version of the site of my plane ticket? A screenshot of a bit of our conversation? I'm going to prettygirllost's post now so it'll take me a while to respond to those questions. I was replying to another post when she posted hers.

Once again this is your answer. I will wait for the answers, but I don't think they will come.

ETA: Thanks for proving me wrong! You answered as I was posting.

MegEn1 · August 2014

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Questions asked by other OPs that are as of yet unanswered:

1. Why did you break up with your son's father?

2. How did you meet your current bf (FI?)? It doesn't sound like it was through a business trip or anything so... was it online? I don't really understand how or why you entered into a relationship with someone from another country when you had a son and therefore an important foundation in the UK.

3. Have you discussed this at all with the Dad?? Does he know anything about your new relationship or any of the ideas you're having?

4. How does your boyfriend's custody of his children work? Do they live in the same town and see each other every week? Do they live farther away from him and only see him for holidays/summers?

5. If you're so sure you're getting married anyway, what's the harm in waiting until the girls are out of the house and he can move to England with you?

1) Now answered 2) Now answered I didn't plan to fall in love with him. It happened. I can't help that. Quote box is weird, I'm ditching numbers. Ex knows I'm in a relationship with someone, knows he's out of the country, and knows I'm serious enough about it to consider it a relationship, even though we're not physically together. FI and his ex have a pretty similar set-up to what I have here, except the girls are in school so it's more a week/weekend thing. We can wait to get married. Like I've said, we're already looking at two and a half years before that happens, and that's about the quickest. We're aware it could be longer. *** not post related*** Brits steal Americanisms all the time. I've been saying "y'all" for years.

Unless you want to be a homewrecker, you're looking at a lot more than two years.

thelastdreamer · August 2014

lilacck28 said:

Am I the only one who is concerned that this guy could be a nut job? Or abusive? I really liked my fiance as soon as I met him. And decided I was in love with him about a month, two months into dating. But I still was not absolutely convinced that he wouldn't turn out to be a bad guy, because 2 months (even though I saw him nearly every day) just wasn't that long. It was only after a prolonged amount of time where I saw how he handled life and treated other people that I fully believed he was a decent human being, which made me willing to move in with him. If I had a child, I would have been waiting a lot longer to make that determination. Am I just super paranoid?

So much this. Like the fact that this guy is encouraging you to move across the globe and mess up your kid's life for him is extremely disturbing.

lilacck28 · August 2014

I think this situation is going to be shitty no matter how you slice it. I would probably jump ship if I were you. As in, break up and date someone near you. And see a counselor. But, if this guy is really the cat's meow, I'd continue to date him, with some trips back and forth, for a very very very long time (years and years, when both of your children are MUCH older) before considering any of this. That sucks, but at least you won't be potentially damaging your children, and definitely damaging your relationships with your children.

MegEn1 · August 2014

thelastdreamer said:

lilacck28 said:

Am I the only one who is concerned that this guy could be a nut job? Or abusive? I really liked my fiance as soon as I met him. And decided I was in love with him about a month, two months into dating. But I still was not absolutely convinced that he wouldn't turn out to be a bad guy, because 2 months (even though I saw him nearly every day) just wasn't that long. It was only after a prolonged amount of time where I saw how he handled life and treated other people that I fully believed he was a decent human being, which made me willing to move in with him. If I had a child, I would have been waiting a lot longer to make that determination. Am I just super paranoid?

So much this. Like the fact that this guy is encouraging you to move across the globe and mess up your kid's life for him is extremely disturbing.

And I love how it's immediately cast aside that he could mess up HIS kids' life for her. No, she must move out to him!

There's your first red flag.

sarawifenow · August 2014

I agree with PPs. If this is real, you need to be REALLY careful! Don't put your child at risk for this guy.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2014

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Questions asked by other OPs that are as of yet unanswered:

1. Why did you break up with your son's father?

2. How did you meet your current bf (FI?)? It doesn't sound like it was through a business trip or anything so... was it online? I don't really understand how or why you entered into a relationship with someone from another country when you had a son and therefore an important foundation in the UK.

3. Have you discussed this at all with the Dad?? Does he know anything about your new relationship or any of the ideas you're having?

4. How does your boyfriend's custody of his children work? Do they live in the same town and see each other every week? Do they live farther away from him and only see him for holidays/summers?

5. If you're so sure you're getting married anyway, what's the harm in waiting until the girls are out of the house and he can move to England with you?

1) Now answered 2) Now answered I didn't plan to fall in love with him. It happened. I can't help that. Quote box is weird, I'm ditching numbers. Ex knows I'm in a relationship with someone, knows he's out of the country, and knows I'm serious enough about it to consider it a relationship, even though we're not physically together. FI and his ex have a pretty similar set-up to what I have here, except the girls are in school so it's more a week/weekend thing. We can wait to get married. Like I've said, we're already looking at two and a half years before that happens, and that's about the quickest. We're aware it could be longer. *** not post related*** Brits steal Americanisms all the time. I've been saying "y'all" for years.

And you ralize that you will likely not be granted a visa to remain in the US for that amount of time, right?

As soon as you tell our immigration officers that you want a visa to go live with your BF so that you guys can get married they are gonna slap a huge DENIED stamp on your application. Immigration officers assume that every visitor applicant is an intending immigrant, and thus they will want you to unequivocally prove that you are not in fact trying to immigrate to the US, or they will deny your visa.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

Whether this is MUD or not, OP, you've gotten 4 pages of advice:

1) don't try to do this

2) seek counseling

Sorry, ladies, this is about more than I can handle on a Friday

thelastdreamer · August 2014

I'm now more convinced this is real and not MUD, but for about five minutes I was seriously wondering if J'ashley had returned.

laceykeo · August 2014

misshart00 said:

lilacck28 said:
Am I the only one who is concerned that this guy could be a nut job? Or abusive? I really liked my fiance as soon as I met him. And decided I was in love with him about a month, two months into dating. But I still was not absolutely convinced that he wouldn't turn out to be a bad guy, because 2 months (even though I saw him nearly every day) just wasn't that long. It was only after a prolonged amount of time where I saw how he handled life and treated other people that I fully believed he was a decent human being, which made me willing to move in with him. If I had a child, I would have been waiting a lot longer to make that determination. Am I just super paranoid?
I thought this too. Or my bigger concern is that he likes her but she's the one jumping the gun and calling immigration etc.

He called immigration.

He's been completely upfront with me throughout.

I know he WAS married. I know he's not any more.

Will he end up being a bad guy? Of course he could... But what if we're still considering all this in a years time, when we've spent longer in person, spent over a year getting to know each other, as is planned?

Even on top of all this... If there's no way to do this without negatively affecting children, we will continue a LDR, FaceTime and vacations, until circumstances change.

MegEn1 · August 2014

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Am I the only one who is concerned that this guy could be a nut job? Or abusive? I really liked my fiance as soon as I met him. And decided I was in love with him about a month, two months into dating. But I still was not absolutely convinced that he wouldn't turn out to be a bad guy, because 2 months (even though I saw him nearly every day) just wasn't that long. It was only after a prolonged amount of time where I saw how he handled life and treated other people that I fully believed he was a decent human being, which made me willing to move in with him. If I had a child, I would have been waiting a lot longer to make that determination. Am I just super paranoid?
I thought this too. Or my bigger concern is that he likes her but she's the one jumping the gun and calling immigration etc.
He called immigration. He's been completely upfront with me throughout. I know he WAS married. I know he's not any more. Will he end up being a bad guy? Of course he could... But what if we're still considering all this in a years time, when we've spent longer in person, spent over a year getting to know each other, as is planned? Even on top of all this... If there's no way to do this without negatively affecting children, we will continue a LDR, FaceTime and vacations, until circumstances change.

So for the next ten years, right? You said his youngest was 8, I think.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2014

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Am I the only one who is concerned that this guy could be a nut job? Or abusive? I really liked my fiance as soon as I met him. And decided I was in love with him about a month, two months into dating. But I still was not absolutely convinced that he wouldn't turn out to be a bad guy, because 2 months (even though I saw him nearly every day) just wasn't that long. It was only after a prolonged amount of time where I saw how he handled life and treated other people that I fully believed he was a decent human being, which made me willing to move in with him. If I had a child, I would have been waiting a lot longer to make that determination. Am I just super paranoid?
I thought this too. Or my bigger concern is that he likes her but she's the one jumping the gun and calling immigration etc.
He called immigration. He's been completely upfront with me throughout. I know he WAS married. I know he's not any more. Will he end up being a bad guy? Of course he could... But what if we're still considering all this in a years time, when we've spent longer in person, spent over a year getting to know each other, as is planned? Even on top of all this... If there's no way to do this without negatively affecting children, we will continue a LDR, FaceTime and vacations, until circumstances change.

And what did they tell him?

Check out this thread in which the OP married her grad student BF in order to keep him here in the US and he was deported anyways since his visa had expired: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1033938/best-way-to-tell-wedding-guests-we-were-secretly-married-2-years-ago/p1

laceykeo · August 2014

I freakin love that octopus gif.

Sorry. Side note.

laceykeo · August 2014

Can I post pics from my phone on here?
I have both the printed boarding pass out, and the return boarding card here, I'll take a pic right now and upload it if that's do-able.

misshart00 · August 2014

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Can I post pics from my phone on here? I have both the printed boarding pass out, and the return boarding card here, I'll take a pic right now and upload it if that's do-able.

Yes, just click "attach file" and it'll let you upload pics from your phone.

laceykeo · August 2014

martha1818 said:
Were you and your ex married? If not, did you talk about marriage? Was it on the table or was he against it?

We were not. We talked about it a couple of times over the years but I was just never really into it. He wasn't against it in any way that I'm aware of.

lilacck28 · August 2014

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Am I the only one who is concerned that this guy could be a nut job? Or abusive? I really liked my fiance as soon as I met him. And decided I was in love with him about a month, two months into dating. But I still was not absolutely convinced that he wouldn't turn out to be a bad guy, because 2 months (even though I saw him nearly every day) just wasn't that long. It was only after a prolonged amount of time where I saw how he handled life and treated other people that I fully believed he was a decent human being, which made me willing to move in with him. If I had a child, I would have been waiting a lot longer to make that determination. Am I just super paranoid?
I thought this too. Or my bigger concern is that he likes her but she's the one jumping the gun and calling immigration etc.
He called immigration. He's been completely upfront with me throughout. I know he WAS married. I know he's not any more. Will he end up being a bad guy? Of course he could... But what if we're still considering all this in a years time, when we've spent longer in person, spent over a year getting to know each other, as is planned? Even on top of all this... If there's no way to do this without negatively affecting children, we will continue a LDR, FaceTime and vacations, until circumstances change.

Sounds like you know this is awful. That's good-- a sign of sanity. Normally, I'd say thinking ahead is a good idea. But you've thought ahead and can see all the problems, but still kind of don't want to think about them, when logic says "FIND SOMEONE ELSE." However, you don't know if any of this worry is moot or not because you have not given this relationship the years it needs to decide if thinking about these issues is relevant. If after those few years you are still interested in being with this person, THEN start thinking about logistics. But don't put yourself in a tizzy when you barely know the guy.

so, your answers are

1. therapy

2. break up

or

3. just date long distance, and know that you will date long distance for years and years to come.

I'm not sure there is more we can say?

laceykeo · August 2014

The reason for me going to America, not him coming here, is because he has a much better job than me, owns his house, I told him I'd prefer to be there...

He's offered to come to the UK.
Again, the reason he's not here now is children. I know it doesn't seem like it but neither of us are really into the idea of abandoning our kids.

As much as he's serious about wanting me to move there, never once has he pushed me to do so.

MegEn1 · August 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:
He called immigration. He's been completely upfront with me throughout. I know he WAS married. I know he's not any more. Will he end up being a bad guy? Of course he could... But what if we're still considering all this in a years time, when we've spent longer in person, spent over a year getting to know each other, as is planned? Even on top of all this... If there's no way to do this without negatively affecting children, we will continue a LDR, FaceTime and vacations, until circumstances change.

And what did they tell him?

Check out this thread in which the OP married her grad student BF in order to keep him here in the US and he was deported anyways since his visa had expired: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1033938/best-way-to-tell-wedding-guests-we-were-secretly-married-2-years-ago/p1

BMoreBride6 · August 2014

I'm very close to going all "Dr. Laura" on this...

MegEn1 · August 2014

wrongsideoftheocean said:

The reason for me going to America, not him coming here, is because he has a much better job than me, owns his house, I told him I'd prefer to be there... He's offered to come to the UK. Again, the reason he's not here now is children. I know it doesn't seem like it but neither of us are really into the idea of abandoning our kids. As much as he's serious about wanting me to move there, never once has he pushed me to do so.

Then date him long distance for the next ten years. You love him but want to do what's right for your kids. Prove it and do it.

NER: What the heck do I do?

Re: NER: What the heck do I do?

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