Grounds for divorce... After 3 weeks of marriage

ohannabelle · September 2014

I am in kind of a hurry, so please excuse my reply if it's hurried or unclear, or been said in previous replies that I didn't have time to read.

The most important points, hurried but crucial.

1: Beautiful girl, my heart is breaking for you.

2: My second marriage was to the wrong man. (Not Hippie Dad. To The Prince of Darkness.) He drank, was an asshole, and eventually became violent.

3: I was convinced that I could not survive with my children alone. In retrospect, much of the reason I believed this was because he had convinced me it was true.

4: Report this. Immediately. Do not allow this. What has happened is not just terrible and immoral, it is so wrong that there are laws to stop it. The job of the police, and domestic violence departments exist to step in and say to him, no. We will not allow this. You may not do this. There is someone to step in and say, this stops now. This will not happen again. Call them. It is a hard step, but must be done. They are there to step in and literally lay down the law.

The domestic violence agencies will make sure that you have the resources to live and pay bills and buy groceries. PM me if you need to. There is no shame in accepting assistance in crisis.

5: and to me the most important: Your beautiful children.

They will look to you and your choices to determine how they will live their lives, and they will look to your marriage to define what marriage is, and what the acceptable behaviors are and what actions in crisis should be. If this was your daughter, what would you say, what would you tell her to do? Is this what you would choose for her?

Your children will always remember that you were brave and strong when you had to be.

Children are smarter than given credit for being. They are aware of more than we think. He may be a "gentle loving father" but a gentle loving father treats the mother of his children with love and respect, so that his children know how they should be treated.

I carry tremendous, ugly guilt that I allowed my children to live in a home where emotional abuse and domestic violence was hidden and permitted, and that I did not act sooner. I do not carry a lot of guilt, but this, this I carry like a frikking rock in my heart. Don't do this to yourself.

I am more sorry than words can say. Hearts are fragile and beautiful things, and need to be treated as such. The abuse of love and faith is more painful than a hard left to the jaw, and you can't accept this. You're in my heart today. Be a brave woman, and a brave mama.

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

ashley8918 said:

sarahbear31 said:

Senecaf said:

I'm not bruised. Sore and it was a little swollen yesterday but ibuprofen took care of it. The thing is he has been violent in the past. Just never towards me. He's gotten into fights at bars and he got a DUI last spring. He just makes really poor choices sometimes. He has an alcohol problem. I cannot fix it and I don't want to try. All of you mention my safety and the safety of my kids. And no matter what anyone says I don't belive he would EVER cause harm to the kids. Me again, yeah, maybe but not the kids. I don't know how to justify that. But I just know.

I don't understand this. Why do you not want to try and help him fix his drinking problem?

Abusive people are often like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde. You'd never THINK that they'd do something like this until they do. He physically hit you, then tried to run you down with the car. He does not deserve to be alone with your children.

Are you kidding me? HE PUNCHED HER IN THE FUCKING FACE. My desire to help somebody comes to a hard stop right there.

I sit corrected.

Senecaf · September 2014

bethsmiles said:
I'm so sorry this has happened to you *hugs* I can't even imagine how you're feeling right now. There's a lot of advice in this thread and I'm sure it all feels incredibly overwhelming right now. Is there anyone your kids could stay with for the night - maybe stay a a friend's house or with a family member? I just think it might be easier to get the locks changed, go see a doctor, and see what can be done about legal help if you know they are safe somewhere.

I also think you should talk with someone in real-life. I know you said your friends are also friends with him. But I would hope that if they are good friends, if you confided in them they wouldn't be his friend anymore. It can be so helpful to have someone in real life to stand beside you in this situation. If not a friend, tell a family member. They will be able to do so much more for you than we will.

I told my girlfriends. They are married to his best friend and cousin but they are being supportive. His cousin is going over tonight to make sure he leaves.

Jells2dot0 · September 2014

Coming into this late, but everything I was thinking as I read this has already been said. I'll just send my thoughts and prayers to you to get you through this unthinkable situation and to remain safe as you work things out through the proper channels.

QueerFemme · September 2014

Get the fuck out of there. I realize this is the first time he has hit YOU, but he is a violent person. If you want to reconcile, do it while living apart. Make him get into anger management classes AND counseling. He needs major therapy. Anyone who is willing to get into bar fights needs therapy to control their anger issues. Anyone who is willing to beat on their partner needs more than that.

JennyColada · September 2014

Oh god. So much great support has been giving. This topic is tearing me apart. I'm so sorry.

I just want to add: THIS is not the man you married. THIS is not the great father to your children. THIS is not your loving partner. THAT was an alcoholic. You can't think of this situation and that person as your H, because it's not and it wasn't. You have to shield your children from that person because that person is dangerous and does not deserve your children or you to be in their crosshairs.

It is incredibly hard to be faced with a situation like this, and so scary! But it happens. And it happens every day. I promise you, you don't have to make excuses. You don't have to be afraid of doing what's right for you and your family. But DO NOT make decisions based on who an alcoholic USED to be.

Sugargirl1019 · September 2014

After thinking about this more, I would definitely absolutely report him to authorities to show him that you won't take this ever again.

You are a strong, beautiful woman and can do anything you need to. Show how strong you are and that you don't put up with shit. Do it. And then call one of those hotlines for advice.

We love you!

QueerFemme · September 2014

By the way, get yourself into AA or at least, al-anon ASAP!! you said in an earlier post that you binge drink sometimes as well. that is not normal. You don't have to be a fall down drunk to have a problem with liquor. If you are binge drinking from time to time, you have a drinking problem.

Go get some help with that. He can worry about his own drinking problem. You should worry about yours.

Senecaf · September 2014

I really don't think I have a problem with drinking. I guess I mean I don't like to drink but when we go out for a tailgate or something I drink enough to get slightly drunk. I guess I always took binge drinking to be consuming a large amount of alcohol at one time. Amd for me 3 drinks is a large amount. So maybe that's not binge drinking?
I'm more of a social drinker and that is only like once a month. I'll have a glass of wine with dinner but shots and stuff are rare. For me. Not him.

RebeccaFlower · September 2014

Senecaf said:

I really don't think I have a problem with drinking. I guess I mean I don't like to drink but when we go out for a tailgate or something I drink enough to get slightly drunk. I guess I always took binge drinking to be consuming a large amount of alcohol at one time. Amd for me 3 drinks is a large amount. So maybe that's not binge drinking? I'm more of a social drinker and that is only like once a month. I'll have a glass of wine with dinner but shots and stuff are rare. For me. Not him.

Binge drinking isn't three drinks.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

Senecaf said:

I really don't think I have a problem with drinking. I guess I mean I don't like to drink but when we go out for a tailgate or something I drink enough to get slightly drunk. I guess I always took binge drinking to be consuming a large amount of alcohol at one time. Amd for me 3 drinks is a large amount. So maybe that's not binge drinking? I'm more of a social drinker and that is only like once a month. I'll have a glass of wine with dinner but shots and stuff are rare. For me. Not him.

Personally I don't see anything wrong with this. I will sometimes have 3 or 4 drinks in a night if I go out with my friends.

KatieinBkln · September 2014

Oh, Seneca. I am coming to this late, but I am so sorry. And SO PROUD of you for stepping up and doing a very, very hard thing at a time when you are no doubt full of doubts, confusion, emotion, and fear. This must be more overwhelming than I can even imagine; kudos to you for kicking him out. PPs have given solid advice. I just want to reiterate that a free thing you can do is report the abuse to the police, and (free if you're insured) see a doctor. This is all to get the facts on record, which may be the most important thing you do, legally speaking. If you can't get to the doctor today, photograph your face up close. Even if you can't see bruising, a medical pro might, and you'll have it on record. You and your beautiful babies are in my thoughts.

theartistformerlyknownas · September 2014

Not all binge drinking is alcoholism, and someone who chooses to binge drink from time to time is not necessarily an alcoholic (and some reports say that depending on your size, 3 drinks can constitute binge drinking, but that's just a label). Shit, I can't even remember how many drinks I had over my girls' weekend but that doesn't mean I have a problem with it. It's not controlling my needs or my actions. I don't drink to escape from my problems or to become a person I like more. Alcoholics do.

climbingsingle · September 2014

JCbride2015 said:

Senecaf said:

I really don't think I have a problem with drinking. I guess I mean I don't like to drink but when we go out for a tailgate or something I drink enough to get slightly drunk. I guess I always took binge drinking to be consuming a large amount of alcohol at one time. Amd for me 3 drinks is a large amount. So maybe that's not binge drinking? I'm more of a social drinker and that is only like once a month. I'll have a glass of wine with dinner but shots and stuff are rare. For me. Not him.

Personally I don't see anything wrong with this. I will sometimes have 3 or 4 drinks in a night if I go out with my friends.

I don't see anything wrong with this either. That's not binge drinking.

OliveOilsMom · September 2014

I'm just now catching up and want to say that you are doing the right thing. No one should ever have to experience what you did on Saturday night. I also wouldn't rely too much on his family for anything. I wouldn't speak with his cousin whose in law school and I would be careful about his cousin who is coming over to make sure he leaves. _____________________________________________________________________________________I would file a police report and ask them to come over while he removes his things from the house. Make sure you have someone else to pick up the kids today from school and take them to a safe place. _____________________________________________________________________________________Another thing concerning me is that you don't have your own friends. Do you think that over the last 12 years your H has chased your friends away from you to isolate you? So that the day he finally hit you, you had no where to turn to?

RebeccaFlower · September 2014

OliveOilsMom said:

I'm just now catching up and want to say that you are doing the right thing. No one should ever have to experience what you did on Saturday night. I also wouldn't rely too much on his family for anything. I wouldn't speak with his cousin whose in law school and I would be careful about his cousin who is coming over to make sure he leaves. _____________________________________________________________________________________I would file a police report and ask them to come over while he removes his things from the house. Make sure you have someone else to pick up the kids today from school and take them to a safe place. _____________________________________________________________________________________Another thing concerning me is that you don't have your own friends. Do you think that over the last 12 years your H has chased your friends away from you to isolate you? So that the day he finally hit you, you had no where to turn to?

I think this is very valid. He sounded like a wonderful partner prior to getting married. I know PPs have mentioned it, but it hasn't been discussed much, do you think that he feels he can behave this way now since you're legally married now?

Senecaf · September 2014

OliveOilsMom said:

I'm just now catching up and want to say that you are doing the right thing. No one should ever have to experience what you did on Saturday night. I also wouldn't rely too much on his family for anything. I wouldn't speak with his cousin whose in law school and I would be careful about his cousin who is coming over to make sure he leaves. _____________________________________________________________________________________I would file a police report and ask them to come over while he removes his things from the house. Make sure you have someone else to pick up the kids today from school and take them to a safe place. _____________________________________________________________________________________Another thing concerning me is that you don't have your own friends. Do you think that over the last 12 years your H has chased your friends away from you to isolate you? So that the day he finally hit you, you had no where to turn to?

It's not his fault I don't have my own friends. I do. I'm just not close with them. We had our kids very young. I was 18 and a freshman in college when the first was born. It is hard to build meaningful relationships when you are so different from your peers or when the people that are like you (other mothers) see you as a child. Some of our couple friends started from me. Coworkers and ther bfs became close to both of us over time.

Couggal12 · September 2014

I just want to say I am so sorry for what you're doing through. I lurk mostly and comment here and there but my heart is absolutely breaking for you. I've been in a similar situation that you've been in. PP have offered amazing advice to you. My advice to seek legal advice NOW because you will need it.

I wasn't married to my abuser but, it was extremely difficult to leave him. It took a lot of help and I can only hope you find the help and courage that you need to make it through this.

RebeccaFlower · September 2014

Senecaf said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I'm just now catching up and want to say that you are doing the right thing. No one should ever have to experience what you did on Saturday night. I also wouldn't rely too much on his family for anything. I wouldn't speak with his cousin whose in law school and I would be careful about his cousin who is coming over to make sure he leaves. _____________________________________________________________________________________I would file a police report and ask them to come over while he removes his things from the house. Make sure you have someone else to pick up the kids today from school and take them to a safe place. _____________________________________________________________________________________Another thing concerning me is that you don't have your own friends. Do you think that over the last 12 years your H has chased your friends away from you to isolate you? So that the day he finally hit you, you had no where to turn to?

It's not his fault I don't have my own friends. I do. I'm just not close with them. We had our kids very young. I was 18 and a freshman in college when the first was born. It is hard to build meaningful relationships when you are so different from your peers or when the people that are like you (other mothers) see you as a child. Some of our couple friends started from me. Coworkers and ther bfs became close to both of us over time.

Okay, that makes sense.

In my opinion, you're giving him too much leeway. You're taking the first steps of getting him out (which is great), but it sounds like the rest of it you're not as set about and that worries me. You need to protect yourself and your children and the decisions you make right now could bite you in the ass later, like not getting this all documented by the hospital and the police.

TheGrimReaper · September 2014

I'm sorry if someone else mentioned this, but do you have a friend or coworker that could accompany you home after work? I don't think you should be there alone when he's leaving. If not, I would not hesitate to call the police and ask for an officer to accompany you home and remove your husband from the house if necessary.

Inkdancer · September 2014

You can do this.

Abuse is a horrible, terrifying cycle, especially when it comes from someone who loves you, and you love.

For your sake, and your kids, you are doing the right thing.

We're cheering for you.

melbenso · September 2014

I recall from the local boards that we are in the same city. I sent you a PM with some information and resources. Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help. Take care of yourself and your kids.

raissyrais · September 2014

Senecaf whatever you do just know that we are all behind you backing you up whatever your decision. The guy hit...twice. I can't even imagine what you are going through right now but I hope you make the right decisions. If not for you at least for your kiddos. You deserve to be treated well...Good luck and don't forget we are here.

Bubblegum5586 · September 2014

Senecaf As usual these ladies have given great advice and my post is strictly in support. My heart goes out to you and it hurt when reading your story (so soon after loving your wedding post). It sounds like you are already making smart decisions and I wish you the smoothest road possible *hugs*

Senecaf · September 2014

I'm making the "right" choice but I have no idea how it will work. I cannot afford to maintain the household on one income. I took a large paycut back in May in order to have a work/life balance. However I still make too much to qualify for assistance even with 2 dependents. I just checked. So I get a second job. Great. Where do my kids go? Not with their dad right? My mom lives in Montana. I'm in Ohio. My grandma lives less than a mile from me but she is 75 and I don't want to burden her any further. She already takes the kids to school after I go to work and picks them up before H gets off. Who helps them with HW? Who makes dinner? Who takes them to dance? If I take their dad from them ( or we can say he took himself, whatever) I have no replacement and I cannot be that person either. And I end up taking myself out of the picture too.

The idea that I could possibly find time for counseling is laughable.

Senecaf · September 2014

This is all going to hit me like a ton of bricks when I am alone in our big ol' house tonight.

sarawifenow · September 2014

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but everything will work out for the best. You have already made the first, crucial step in getting him out of the house. Take care of you and your babies, the rest will fall into place in time.

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

I understand all of the logistics are complicated. They're really complicated and it's going to SUCK to work it out. I know you don't want to end up as a single mom trying to juggle multiple jobs, unavailable for your kids with no work life balance. I get that.

But you CAN work it out. I think you are thinking the worst right now and I don't blame you for doing that at this time. But you have to start envisioning something else, or you will settle. Work with your current employer to go back to what you were doing before you took the pay cut. If that's not an option, get a second job temporarily while you look for a permanent solution.

This is a problem with a lot of moving parts. You have a lot on your plate and it's going to suck to sort through it all. But you are strong and you can. Just keep thinking about what's best for you and your children.

mrstrevor3 · September 2014

Senecaf said:

Senecaf said:

You guys. I'm broke. That wedding I had 3 weeks ago. He and I paid for it. All $15000+ of it. Locksmith, sure, I can swing that. Lawyer? No way. His cousin we met at the bar Satuday is in Law school at OSU. Maybe I'll ask her for suggestions on where to go but I don't want to tell her why. I mentioned before, I have no friends that are not "our" friends. I'm not sure I want to involve any of them.

Are you near the Columbus area? I bet there is a women's shelter and/or domestic abuse organization that can get you a free or cheap lawyer.
I'm in a suburb. So yea.

PineapplePopsicles · September 2014

Senecaf said:

I'm making the "right" choice but I have no idea how it will work. I cannot afford to maintain the household on one income. I took a large paycut back in May in order to have a work/life balance. However I still make too much to qualify for assistance even with 2 dependents. I just checked. So I get a second job. Great. Where do my kids go? Not with their dad right? My mom lives in Montana. I'm in Ohio. My grandma lives less than a mile from me but she is 75 and I don't want to burden her any further. She already takes the kids to school after I go to work and picks them up before H gets off. Who helps them with HW? Who makes dinner? Who takes them to dance? If I take their dad from them ( or we can say he took himself, whatever) I have no replacement and I cannot be that person either. And I end up taking myself out of the picture too. The idea that I could possibly find time for counseling is laughable.

Senecaf said:

This is all going to hit me like a ton of bricks when I am alone in our big ol' house tonight.

It does seem overwhelming now, but one day you will look back and think "I can't believe I considered staying over something so petty as groceries". I don't mean for that to sound condescending at all, but I think that time gives us more perspective on things, whereas you're IN the trenches right now, and it all seems so daunting. But you have to fight, and it WILL suck. It is going to be hard, and you're going to have bouts of misery, that is almost guaranteed. But things will get better and you will make a better life for yourself and your kids. What he did was unacceptable, and your life and safety is worth all of this.

I know you've got to be feeling a little bit like "But we JUST got married", and that is totally understandable. But please don't let that be a reason to stay. It won't get better, it will only get worse.

Grounds for divorce... After 3 weeks of marriage

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