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Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

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Re: Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

  • raissyraisraissyrais member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    OP listen to those wise pps. I was engaged at 19 too, to a disturbed young man who needed years of therapy to fix himself (and now he's doing so good) but I'm glad I called the engagement off a few months later because it was never going to work. I'm so happy I did that. I was terrified at the idea of being alone so I know the feeling.

    And guess what? Just a few weeks later I met my now FI in University Residence and we've been together for over eight years. I'm now 28 and ready to be married to him. 

    During our relationship we took breaks a few times and we both needed the space and time but we always, always got back together. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. Don't rush into anything and don't be scared. You are young. Heck my FI's grandma is starting over again and she's 91!!! She's getting married this coming 11th.
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    OP, I hope you take these ladies' advice to heart and do some serious thinking. Yes, starting over is scary. But if you know this relationship is wrong, then imagine going through with the marriage and having to start over after you've gone through emotional (and maybe mental) hell, you're in your 30s or 40s, and have kids. (This happened to my cousin). It's much more difficult to start over at that point than it is at 21. 

    If you really feel like this is the guy you should be spending the whole rest of your life with, then please have an honest discussion with him and address the control issues and trust issues. By what you posted, it sounds like things are not working how they are now, and won't get better on their own. 
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  • KaurisKauris member
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    OP, I started over at 28 after dating the WRONG guy for five years. I was terrified that all my "best" years were behind me. When DH and I started dating and the more serious we got, I realized that the best years are the ones in front of us. 

    It might seem scary, but please put yourself first. And also think does your FI want all those things or does he want all those things WITH YOU?
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    raissyrais said:
    Heck my FI's grandma is starting over again and she's 91!!! She's getting married this coming 11th.
    That is awesome!
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  • amelishaamelisha member
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    Add me to the list of people who've done this.

    I wasted almost four years with a guy beginning when I was 18. I could have learned everything I needed to learn from that particular relationship six months in, and yet I stayed until I was almost 22 and I felt like my life was over when he finally ended it. I didn't realize for probably a year afterward that I would have been so much better off if I'd ended it earlier, one of the many times I wanted to, and I still kind of hate now that I spent so much time with the guy.

    There's a bit of game theory called "sunk costs fallacy" that basically explains that spending more time or money on something just because you've already spent x amount of time or money, even if it's still not benefiting you, is completely illogical and counter to your best interests. This is a prime example of that. Don't waste any more time with this guy just because you've already sunk several years into him. It's just going to be an even bigger waste of time in the end.

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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    You're 21. You aren't starting over. Get a grip. Grow up. Move out. Finish college and stop wasting time and money dilly-dallying you way through. There is so much more to life than marrying some guy you met as a child.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    I didn't meet DH until my late 30's, I'm not going to say there were not times where I wished my "prince charming" had showed up earlier in my life, but honestly I had a great pre-DH life.   I travelled a lot with great friends.  Moved to an awesome island where I found my dream job, was able to obtain my dream of owning waterfront property and  then eventually met my husband.


    You are 21.  You life is just starting. No need to be with someone who makesyou unhappy.   Life is way too short.  Take this time to do things that might be harder to do when you are attached.   








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • LabLove86LabLove86 member
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    I will be 29 in about 2 months, and I am not even close to the person I was when I was 21, when I "started over".  Or when I was 25 when I "started over" again. If I was doing the things now I THOUGHT I wanted to do when I was 21 I would probably be a miserable person. 

    21 is young. Breaking up is hard. Moving out sucks - A lot. 

    But if this relationship is like either of the controlling relationships I was previously in - the anticipation of breaking up, or being alone, or starting over - is 10x worse than the actual act of it. I was relived almost immediately both times. My life got better within weeks, and I found out more about myself each time. Its a shitty thing to go through - but it is something that allows you to grow and learn about yourself - as well as what you REALLY want in a partner - not just what they want of you. 
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  • falsarafalsara member
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    All of the PPS have given wonderful advice.

    I'm only a year older than you OP. The idea of starting over is scary, but not as scary as marrying someone who doesn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

    You shouldn't have to fit into his life the way HE wants you to. You should fit into each others life in a way that makes you BOTH happy. That means YOU have to be happy with your life also, and honestly you don't sound happy, probably because he's treating you like shit.

    Break it off with him. Live the life, be open to the thought that there are men out there who will make you blissfully happy while being respectful of your choices and the things YOU want out of life.

                                               

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  • AuroraRose41AuroraRose41 member
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    OP- I'm not much older than you are, and I have been in a similar situation (although we never lived together). I was also in a sorority, and can definitely attest to the fact that you do not have more free time once the new member process is complete. So if your FI is really bad about making you check in now, then it most likely won't stop once you are a fully initiated sorority member.

    The ladies here have given you some great advice, but it is ultimately you who can make that decision. And honestly, if I was still with my controlling and manipulative BF from HS when I pledged my sorority, I probably wouldn't have gotten to know the girls all that well because I would have ended up missing bonding events to try to not piss off the guy I was dating. That kind of defeats the purpose of even joining, doesn't it? I'm not saying that it will definitely happen that way, but there is a likely chance that it will. You may miss out on forming amazing friendships because of one guy.

    FWIW, I made the hardest decision of my life so far when I was 21. And I went back and forth on it a lot over the course of my senior year, because it involved moving to the other coast of the U.S. away from all of my family, friends, and BF for a dream job opportunity. About a month before graduating, I decided that it was what I had to do for myself. And you know what? It worked out wonderfully. BF got laid off in a massive downsizing at his company and got a job at my company. He moved in with me 3 months after I moved there, it has been almost 2 years now since then, and he bought a ring last weekend. My parents are in the process of selling their house so that they can move out here too (better job opportunities and better weather), and his parents are also considering it. BF's brother is now going to grad school for his Ph.D. at a university 1 hours drive away from us. I have had multiple friends come out to visit me, and more plan to within the year. We still fly back for the holidays to visit friends and family too.

    I think that you are in a similar situation now; you are scared to do something different because it's not something that you are familiar with. But you are at the perfect age to take leaps of faith like this, because you never know what will happen, and what better things lie ahead.

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  • mrsamandalynnmrsamandalynn member
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    He leaves in January for a deployment. After that he'll be gone 6-9mo depending on what's needed of him over there. So I only have a little time before I have a whole lot of time to myself to think and the condo all to myself for the rest of the school year, which is what I really need. You may all rest assured that he has never laid an inappropriate hand on me and that I'm not in any "real" danger. He's just uptight and it's not surprising because his father is 10x more controling than he is. I told him about 10 days into our relationship that I would not tolerate being treated that way and I think that at least partially stuck with him. Another major issue is that my name is on this lease. Making me kinda obligated.
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  • Simky906Simky906 member
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    mrsamandalynn said:
    He leaves in January for a deployment. After that he'll be gone 6-9mo depending on what's needed of him over there. So I only have a little time before I have a whole lot of time to myself to think and the condo all to myself for the rest of the school year, which is what I really need. You may all rest assured that he has never laid an inappropriate hand on me and that I'm not in any "real" danger. He's just uptight and it's not surprising because his father is 10x more controling than he is. I told him about 10 days into our relationship that I would not tolerate being treated that way and I think that at least partially stuck with him. Another major issue is that my name is on this lease. Making me kinda obligated.

    Maybe I just don't get this, but what does his leaving in January have to do with anything? Yes, those control issues may be temporarily lessened because of distance but they won't go away. And your understanding of his control issues doesn't make it better. He is still controlling. Frankly, in you situation I would ask him to get professional help for those issues, otherwise that would be a dealbreaker for me. And I do not say that lightly; there are very few issues I consider to be dealbreakers.

    Finally, leases can be broken. I know it can be expensive, but it is doable.

    The question to ask yourself is do you want to be with him? Just pretend that the lease, etc isn't an issue for a moment. What do you want and is this man, exactly as he is now (with no changes to his behavior), the one to do all those things with? If he's not, then it's time to get out, regardless of the difficulties.

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  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl member
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    Oh, he doesn't beat you? Well in that case yeah, totally stay, get married, have a few kids. Sounds like a good plan.

    Oh sure he controls you, makes you check in with him, gets mad if you have to stay late, or get stuck in traffic, or the weather is wrong. But hey, he doesn't hit you so it's all good.

    So far he's not physically abusive and can pay half the rent. Those are the good things. He doesn't hit me and he can pay his half so I'm gonna marry him and be his ideal wife because it's easier on him and it's what he wants. Yeah...excellent plan.
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  • mrsamandalynnmrsamandalynn member
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    He pays my entire rent actually, but that's besides the point. I see it more like his attempt to be protective than controlling. Things aren't perfect but I also don't think they're as bad as some of you are thinking. He makes me laugh and we have a good time going out together. He is by no means my worst enemy, which is how some of you make it sound. There's a lot to lose and a lot to gain from this and I'm not sure I'm ready to make that decision right now. 
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    I'm sorry but him going away for a while isn't going to solve anything, and thinking that is kind of naive. I had a friend (college roommate) in a similar situation to yours, and when her FI got deployed, shit really hit the fan. He became even more controlling because he felt even more insecure being so far away from her and not knowing what was going on in her life. 

    While she was skyping with him, I walked into her room to ask her a question. I had my Halloween costume on and it was kind of slutty, and he saw me. He went off on my friend about it, and was totally rage out at HER over what I was wearing. He not only wanted to control her, he started wanting to control everyone around her. He claimed that since I was dressed slutty, we were running a "whore house" and she was gonna just go and "fuck a bunch of guys." It was quite an awful mess, and needless to say the ended up calling off the wedding about two months later, but it was a nasty nasty nasty mess of a break-up because it dragged on for so long and all their major issues had gotten worse over time. 

    Not saying this is exactly what will happen to you, because you have your own unique set of circumstances and you guys are different people than who she and her FI were. All I'm saying is that it sounds like you're counting on his deployment to somehow make all this better, and it won't. You gotta take the bull by the horns and make it better yourself, however you see fit. 
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  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl member
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    I had this really awesome girlfriend when I was younger. She made me laugh, the sex was fucking great, and we liked hanging out together. Also...she shoplifted. A lot. When she got caught once, she blamed me. She was a piece of shit. She never hit me, never controlled, never called me worthless, never forced me to have sex with her, but she was still a terrible girlfriend.

    What exactly is he protecting you from by getting upset you aren't home when he wants you home and you aren't cleaning the way he wants you to clean? My FI is protective of me. She worries about me. So she does things like reminding me to eat when I get busy, making sure I take my meds on time, helping me get to sleep, making sure I have good breaks in my car. She doesn't freak out I'm spending too  much time doing shit without her because of her friends got cheated on. That's not protecting you. That's controlling you.

    I believe he is a nice guy. I believe he really makes you laugh and you guys like to hang out together. Doesn't make him a good life partner. 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    OP, you are getting great advice here. But after your last post, I feel the need to chime in. I dated a guy starting when I was 22 who was very attentive and sweet. But what started out as a call during the work day to see how I was doing became several calls. If I didn't answer he would call our main line and have our receptionist track me down. I brushed it off. He started staying over at my place frequently and then all of the sudden I realized his crap was taking up half the closet and he took my keys and MADE HIMSELF a copy. At that point, I told him we needed a break as I had never asked him to move in. He gave me an ultimatum and I chose to stay with him because all this aside, he was smart, funny, usually very sweet, etc.

    Slowly but surely, this man manipulated me so much that I put a lot of distance between myself and my closest friends and family. He could turn a disagreement around on me so fast that I would find myself apologizing profusely for doing nothing wrong. By the time he hit me for the first time, it was a RELIEF. I would rather have been hit than be subjected to yelling, insults, or more mind games.

    My point: abusers rarely begin with the physical stuff. They make you dependent on them first so you feel like you can not leave. Then when the physical abuse begins, you feel stuck. Your guy may never become physical with you and I really hope he doesn't. But trust me, the controlling behavior he is exhibiting WILL hurt you just as much.

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  • slothiegalslothiegal member
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    mrsamandalynn said:
    He pays my entire rent actually, but that's besides the point. I see it more like his attempt to be protective than controlling. Things aren't perfect but I also don't think they're as bad as some of you are thinking. He makes me laugh and we have a good time going out together. He is by no means my worst enemy, which is how some of you make it sound. There's a lot to lose and a lot to gain from this and I'm not sure I'm ready to make that decision right now. 
    These are terrible reasons to stay with someone who, in your own words, is "driving [you] insane".

    And just because he doesn't raise a hand to you doesn't mean it's not "real" danger.  Controlling, manipulative behavior is just as damaging.  
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