What do you do if you hate the engagement ring?

banana468 · March 2015

bostonbride2015 said:

bostonbride2015 said:
Honesty, I would say something. Yes, it's a difficult conversation and I would hate to hurt his feelings, but frankly, he screwed up here. If I were going to buy someone a piece of jewelery that I expected her to wear for the rest of her life (and were likely dropping a substantial chunk of change on it), I would make darn sure that it was something she could live with. And if I wasn't sure--I would find out, whether that meant asking her, her sisters/friends, whatever. This would be doubly true if I were thinking about purchasing an unusual ring as seems to be the case here.

My FI tried to go ring shopping on his own. He quickly realized he had no clue what I wanted, so he asked. I gave him some general guidelines, and he was much happier shopping once he knew he was picking out something I would love.
He screwed up because he got her a ring that he thought was meaningful to the two of them and probably thought was really pretty?

Not all people talk with their SO's friends or family about what type of ring they are getting or anything. DH didn't tell anyone he was even planning to propose. So that's really an unfair suggestion.

He screwed up because he got her a ring that is very much not her style. He should have known better, especially because this ring is very unique and somewhat untraditional (how many people want red and green stones together in a ring they will wear every day)? An engagement ring is a HUGE emotional (and often financial) purchase. IMO, it's your job as the ring purchaser to get enough information about your future FI's style to make darn sure you get something she can live with. You don't have to talk to friends or family before proposing, but you have to get that information somehow--whether it's talking to FI, a trusted friend/family member, paying close attention to the type of jewelry they wear currently, or however you want to do it.

I'm also with this. Yes, this is a piece of jewelry but he needs to pay attention because it IS a piece of jewelry. And while a BF / GF may not tell others about the impending proposal, the proposal shouldn't be so much of a surprise that the proposer doesn't have a clue about what his / her life partner is wanting in that piece of jewelry.

I also see a proposal as more of an expected thing that's formalizing an understood commitment. I don't understand the desire to make it such a surprise that half the couple being asked to make a lifetime commitment doesn't even know that s/he is about to be asked to make such a big decision. Sure romance is part of it but I can't think of any other situation in which such a large decision should be a big surprise. I don't think the ring should be such a surprise that the recipient is put in that situation.

emmaaa · March 2015

bostonbride2015 said:

bostonbride2015 said:
Honesty, I would say something. Yes, it's a difficult conversation and I would hate to hurt his feelings, but frankly, he screwed up here. If I were going to buy someone a piece of jewelery that I expected her to wear for the rest of her life (and were likely dropping a substantial chunk of change on it), I would make darn sure that it was something she could live with. And if I wasn't sure--I would find out, whether that meant asking her, her sisters/friends, whatever. This would be doubly true if I were thinking about purchasing an unusual ring as seems to be the case here.

My FI tried to go ring shopping on his own. He quickly realized he had no clue what I wanted, so he asked. I gave him some general guidelines, and he was much happier shopping once he knew he was picking out something I would love.
He screwed up because he got her a ring that he thought was meaningful to the two of them and probably thought was really pretty?

Not all people talk with their SO's friends or family about what type of ring they are getting or anything. DH didn't tell anyone he was even planning to propose. So that's really an unfair suggestion.

He screwed up because he got her a ring that is very much not her style. He should have known better, especially because this ring is very unique and somewhat untraditional (how many people want red and green stones together in a ring they will wear every day)? An engagement ring is a HUGE emotional (and often financial) purchase. IMO, it's your job as the ring purchaser to get enough information about your future FI's style to make darn sure you get something she can live with. You don't have to talk to friends or family before proposing, but you have to get that information somehow--whether it's talking to FI, a trusted friend/family member, paying close attention to the type of jewelry they wear currently, or however you want to do it.

It's very possible that he did think she would like it. I'm not disagreeing that it isn't her style or that many people would like it, but obviously he thought she would otherwise he wouldn't have given it to her.

FTR, I do agree with PP's that suggest taking it to a reputable jeweler to get it look at to make sure the quality is good and that the stone are secure.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2015

You can make sure the stones are secure without completely redesigning a ring he put a lot of thought into.

Flipside - what if a melted down, slapped together, homemade amateur ring is all he could afford? How hurt will he be for his fiancee to say "nice try honey but this is an ugly piece of shit"?

redoryx · March 2015

Jewelry taste is very personal. It's one reason we tell brides to not buy jewelry as a gift for their bridesmaids. If it really is all just a piece of jewelry then it shouldn't matter if the bride is buying all her BMs the same set of earrings. But we all advise against that because taste is so subjective and one person finds lovely another person might find horrible. And this isn't a pair of earrings you're going to wear once and throw into a jewelry box and forget about or wear only twice a year. This is an engagement ring, something she, presumably, is going to be wearing for the rest of her life (unless she switches to just a band after getting married).

While I can understand the motivation behind telling her to "suck it up" I think it would be better if she just explains to her fiancee that it's not really her taste (while, of course, sugar coating the hell out of that thing) because she's the one who has to wear it day in and day out. This isn't about the diamond not being big enough or the wrong shape.

photokitty · March 2015

emmaaa said:

bostonbride2015 said:

bostonbride2015 said:
Honesty, I would say something. Yes, it's a difficult conversation and I would hate to hurt his feelings, but frankly, he screwed up here. If I were going to buy someone a piece of jewelery that I expected her to wear for the rest of her life (and were likely dropping a substantial chunk of change on it), I would make darn sure that it was something she could live with. And if I wasn't sure--I would find out, whether that meant asking her, her sisters/friends, whatever. This would be doubly true if I were thinking about purchasing an unusual ring as seems to be the case here.

My FI tried to go ring shopping on his own. He quickly realized he had no clue what I wanted, so he asked. I gave him some general guidelines, and he was much happier shopping once he knew he was picking out something I would love.
He screwed up because he got her a ring that he thought was meaningful to the two of them and probably thought was really pretty?

Not all people talk with their SO's friends or family about what type of ring they are getting or anything. DH didn't tell anyone he was even planning to propose. So that's really an unfair suggestion.

He screwed up because he got her a ring that is very much not her style. He should have known better, especially because this ring is very unique and somewhat untraditional (how many people want red and green stones together in a ring they will wear every day)? An engagement ring is a HUGE emotional (and often financial) purchase. IMO, it's your job as the ring purchaser to get enough information about your future FI's style to make darn sure you get something she can live with. You don't have to talk to friends or family before proposing, but you have to get that information somehow--whether it's talking to FI, a trusted friend/family member, paying close attention to the type of jewelry they wear currently, or however you want to do it.

It's very possible that he did think she would like it. I'm not disagreeing that it isn't her style or that many people would like it, but obviously he thought she would otherwise he wouldn't have given it to her.

FTR, I do agree with PP's that suggest taking it to a reputable jeweler to get it look at to make sure the quality is good and that the stone are secure.

********ETA BOXES**************************

Or it's completely possible he is a cheap ass and used his friend to save some money. He already was reusing a ring without an sentimental attachment to he or the friend - unless it turns out he is close to the step-dad.

Not to mention it's not as easy as just melting down a ring and pouring it in a mold.

Here's an article that explains it better than I can:

From our years of experience, the breakdown of the original was completely understandable. Melting “old gold” to make new jewelry is notthe best practice of jewelry making for several reasons.

First, karat gold alloys are made with a specific use in mind. The manufacturers of gold alloys pay metallurgists big dollars to precisely engineer their alloys for color and use, then jealously guard these recipes as proprietary trade secrets– some alloys, like Peach Gold, are even patented.

While the percentage of gold remains the same– today’s 14K gold is always 58.5% gold– the 41.5% of alloy metals can be very different depending on the intended use. Karat gold used for casting has zinc and sometimes silicon added to improve the flow characteristics, while gold alloys used for rolling and stamping are designed for strength and workability.

Next, the color of the karat gold depends on the alloy metals added. In 14K white gold, nickel is added to bleach out the yellow of the gold, while yellow and red golds are alloyed mostly with copper and silver. The 14K rose casting gold we used for this ring contains about 25% copper, hence the reddish coppery color.

Additionally, solder joints, repairs, and the uses of the gold object over the years introduce impurities into the gold jewelry.

Finally, the process of casting changes a gold alloy slightly. The zinc in the alloy begins to boil off as vapor when the gold is melted– thus, the karat of the cast gold increases slightly. For this reason, we always add at least 50% new gold alloy to all of our gold castings to compensate for this imbalance.

So you can see why the gold alloy in the original ring did not stand the test of time. Melting pieces of old gold together and/or not adding newly refined gold creates an alloy that is unpredictable and inherently unstable. In this case, the ring discolored drastically and became so brittle and porous that it broke– something we don’t see with properly crafted gold jewelry.

We get asked all the time to remake old gold into new jewelry, and our answer is always the same. We don’t make jewelry from old gold because there is no way to guarantee the quality of the product.

We completely understand the sentiment and attachment people have for the gold handed down thru their family or for pieces they have worn for years– we have pieces like this ourselves– but we know it is not a good idea to reuse the gold as is.

novella1186 · March 2015

OP, I'm dying of curiosity. Does it look like one of these?

simcal18 · March 2015

emmaaa said:

bostonbride2015 said:

bostonbride2015 said:
Honesty, I would say something. Yes, it's a difficult conversation and I would hate to hurt his feelings, but frankly, he screwed up here. If I were going to buy someone a piece of jewelery that I expected her to wear for the rest of her life (and were likely dropping a substantial chunk of change on it), I would make darn sure that it was something she could live with. And if I wasn't sure--I would find out, whether that meant asking her, her sisters/friends, whatever. This would be doubly true if I were thinking about purchasing an unusual ring as seems to be the case here.

My FI tried to go ring shopping on his own. He quickly realized he had no clue what I wanted, so he asked. I gave him some general guidelines, and he was much happier shopping once he knew he was picking out something I would love.
He screwed up because he got her a ring that he thought was meaningful to the two of them and probably thought was really pretty?

Not all people talk with their SO's friends or family about what type of ring they are getting or anything. DH didn't tell anyone he was even planning to propose. So that's really an unfair suggestion.

He screwed up because he got her a ring that is very much not her style. He should have known better, especially because this ring is very unique and somewhat untraditional (how many people want red and green stones together in a ring they will wear every day)? An engagement ring is a HUGE emotional (and often financial) purchase. IMO, it's your job as the ring purchaser to get enough information about your future FI's style to make darn sure you get something she can live with. You don't have to talk to friends or family before proposing, but you have to get that information somehow--whether it's talking to FI, a trusted friend/family member, paying close attention to the type of jewelry they wear currently, or however you want to do it.

It's very possible that he did think she would like it. I'm not disagreeing that it isn't her style or that many people would like it, but obviously he thought she would otherwise he wouldn't have given it to her.

FTR, I do agree with PP's that suggest taking it to a reputable jeweler to get it look at to make sure the quality is good and that the stone are secure.

_________EDITED BECAUSE BOXES_________

I'm sure he thought she would like it. But especially when you're going with a nontraditional engagement ring, you'd better be really, really sure that she's going to like it. Like "she's told me she wants a ring with our red and green birthstones in it" or "she wears one emerald earring and one ruby earring every single day" sure.

And Maggie's suggestion about the jeweler is excellent. She should tell him that she wants to take it in to make sure that everything is secure, especially since she may have to do it for insurance purposes anyway and since the ring was made by a student jeweler. Then, assuming it's the red/green stones and the rough metal that's bothering her (and she can live with the center stone and the yellow gold from his mother's engagement ring), she can gently tell him that while she loves the sentiment, the red/green together aren't quite her style for everyday wear, and she'd like to have the gold in the ring smoothed a bit. Then maybe she can have those stones set in a separate piece of jewelry and replaced with stones of her choice in the ring, and have the metal smoothed over.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2015

novella1186 said:
OP, I'm dying of curiosity. Does it look like one of these?

/dead

lovemesomemonster · March 2015

bostonbride2015 said:

emmaaa said:

bostonbride2015 said:

bostonbride2015 said:
Honesty, I would say something. Yes, it's a difficult conversation and I would hate to hurt his feelings, but frankly, he screwed up here. If I were going to buy someone a piece of jewelery that I expected her to wear for the rest of her life (and were likely dropping a substantial chunk of change on it), I would make darn sure that it was something she could live with. And if I wasn't sure--I would find out, whether that meant asking her, her sisters/friends, whatever. This would be doubly true if I were thinking about purchasing an unusual ring as seems to be the case here.

My FI tried to go ring shopping on his own. He quickly realized he had no clue what I wanted, so he asked. I gave him some general guidelines, and he was much happier shopping once he knew he was picking out something I would love.
He screwed up because he got her a ring that he thought was meaningful to the two of them and probably thought was really pretty?

Not all people talk with their SO's friends or family about what type of ring they are getting or anything. DH didn't tell anyone he was even planning to propose. So that's really an unfair suggestion.

He screwed up because he got her a ring that is very much not her style. He should have known better, especially because this ring is very unique and somewhat untraditional (how many people want red and green stones together in a ring they will wear every day)? An engagement ring is a HUGE emotional (and often financial) purchase. IMO, it's your job as the ring purchaser to get enough information about your future FI's style to make darn sure you get something she can live with. You don't have to talk to friends or family before proposing, but you have to get that information somehow--whether it's talking to FI, a trusted friend/family member, paying close attention to the type of jewelry they wear currently, or however you want to do it.
It's very possible that he did think she would like it. I'm not disagreeing that it isn't her style or that many people would like it, but obviously he thought she would otherwise he wouldn't have given it to her.

FTR, I do agree with PP's that suggest taking it to a reputable jeweler to get it look at to make sure the quality is good and that the stone are secure.

_________EDITED BECAUSE BOXES_________

I'm sure he thought she would like it. But especially when you're going with a nontraditional engagement ring, you'd better be really, really sure that she's going to like it. Like "she's told me she wants a ring with our red and green birthstones in it" or "she wears one emerald earring and one ruby earring every single day" sure.

And Maggie's suggestion about the jeweler is excellent. She should tell him that she wants to take it in to make sure that everything is secure, especially since she may have to do it for insurance purposes anyway and since the ring was made by a student jeweler. Then, assuming it's the red/green stones and the rough metal that's bothering her (and she can live with the center stone and the yellow gold from his mother's engagement ring), she can gently tell him that while she loves the sentiment, the red/green together aren't quite her style for everyday wear, and she'd like to have the gold in the ring smoothed a bit. Then maybe she can have those stones set in a separate piece of jewelry and replaced with stones of her choice in the ring, and have the metal smoothed over.

THIS 110%! I understand that not all people pay much attention to jewelry or clothes but if you are planning on buying something as big as an engagement ring paying a little attention couldn't hurt? My FI went very custom BUT I wear a yellow gold necklace with a lot of detail and diamonds every day, he took that idea and got a custom ring that would match what he sees me in. If he had showed up with a white gold very modern ring I would have been happy at the thought but just pointed it out compared to everything I normally wear. Maybe she can use that when she talks to him? Show him jewelry she wears all the time, how nice of a thought the birth stones were but maybe they would be better in something she wouldn't wear every day.

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

I also want to see the ring. Mainly because I want to judge whether she's being a pretty princess or whether it looks like amateur rings novella posted.

I see both sides.

If it's just that she had this vision of a solitaire fatass diamond (or similar SS reason for being unhappy) and all that's 'wrong' with it is that it doesn't fit her style....then I'm with Team Larry.

If it's poorly made and the quality is awful, then I'm with others.

No matter what, I agree with Maggie she should get it inspected. If the inspection shows the stones are loose, then maybe she can leverage that to get a professionally constructed band with solid settings in a design that doesn't look like the Mexican flag.

aliwis000 · March 2015

Very tricky situation. Ultimately I would tell him. Not right after he popped the question but weeks or so later. I would hope that the man I marry and I can talk about anything.

My ring was custom made. I was very involved in the design and picking out the stone. I even went and approved two different wax samples of the ring before they actually made it. (I never saw it complete before he proposed just the green wax casts to make any changes etc.)

This was a huge purchase for us. Did we have the funds? Yes. Did we go into debt? Absolutely not. But when we are talking this amount of money PLUS the high emotional investment the ring needs to be something both people are happy with.

Like others have said. This is not some sweater or tie you get but hate and can wear the obligatory one time when you see that person again then shove in the closet. This ring is going to be on your finger for the rest of your life. I would think her FI would be more hurt when after the wedding the ring goes into a safe never to see the light of day again.

badbnagdway · March 2015

southernbelle0915 said:
I also want to see the ring. Mainly because I want to judge whether she's being a pretty princess or whether it looks like amateur rings novella posted.

I see both sides.

If it's just that she had this vision of a solitaire fatass diamond (or similar SS reason for being unhappy) and all that's 'wrong' with it is that it doesn't fit her style....then I'm with Team Larry.

If it's poorly made and the quality is awful, then I'm with others.

No matter what, I agree with Maggie she should get it inspected. If the inspection shows the stones are loose, then maybe she can leverage that to get a professionally constructed band with solid settings in a design that doesn't look like the Mexican flag.

I would agree with this. Without seeing it, it's hard for me to know whether it is just shallowness or whether it is truly awful. On the one hand, what a sweet gesture. She should absolutely tell him what a sweet gesture that was. But if it looks anything like those homemade rings novella posted, I'm sorry, but those are truly bad. The way the bands are so thick also makes them look very uncomfortable to wear.

charcoalandblush · March 2015

I would absolutely say something. It would be one of the hardest conversations I've ever had, but I would have such a hard time pretending to love an engagement ring that I don't. Maybe that makes me superficial or a SS or whatever. I'm not very picky about jewelry, I would have been thrilled with pretty much any ring DF gave me as long as it wasn't totally bizarre. But to me, it sounds like this ring is. I just have a hard time imagining that DF would want me to "suck it up" and wear a ring that I was truly unhappy with (not "I wanted 2 carats and he got me 1.5" unhappy, but truly unhappy).

PPs have said maybe this was all he could afford - If i'm recalling the OP correctly, the center stone was already set in a ring when he got it. Why not give her that ring? That's possibly even cheaper than buying additional stones and having his friend re-set it. Or - why not forgo the engagement ring entirely and just make sure to pick out wedding bands together that you both love?

AlexaF2014 · March 2015

I get it. For most people, the engagement ring is something you wear for the rest of your life, and if it looks awful or is not your style, it's kind of a bummer. My mom only wore her wedding band because she really disliked her engagement ring, and my MIL has replaced her engagement band/wedding band a few times to get something she likes better (to be fair, FIL also changed his wedding band).

It doesn't sound like your friend threw a hissy fit and went all Special Snowflake, and I'm all for honesty with your spouse, but only if he asks. Maybe this isn't her "wear forever" ring, but it should be her "keep forever" ring because of the sentiment behind it.

Get a jeweler to look at it (maybe/maybe not with her FI present?), pick out a wedding band she does like, and just don't wear the ERing all the time.

simcal18 · March 2015

charcoalandblush said:
I would absolutely say something. It would be one of the hardest conversations I've ever had, but I would have such a hard time pretending to love an engagement ring that I don't. Maybe that makes me superficial or a SS or whatever. I'm not very picky about jewelry, I would have been thrilled with pretty much any ring DF gave me as long as it wasn't totally bizarre. But to me, it sounds like this ring is. I just have a hard time imagining that DF would want me to "suck it up" and wear a ring that I was truly unhappy with (not "I wanted 2 carats and he got me 1.5" unhappy, but truly unhappy).

PPs have said maybe this was all he could afford - If i'm recalling the OP correctly, the center stone was already set in a ring when he got it. Why not give her that ring? That's possibly even cheaper than buying additional stones and having his friend re-set it. Or - why not forgo the engagement ring entirely and just make sure to pick out wedding bands together that you both love?

Yeah, the whole "maybe this is all he could afford" argument doesn't fly with me. If he could afford the red and green birthstones, he could afford the same ring without the birthstones so that it doesn't look like Christmas on a finger 12 months out of the year.

Casadena · March 2015

This really is a tough one. I really really want to agree with Larry and Lolo that she should suck it up and wear it because it's her engagement ring and it's meaningful regardless of how it looks. That being said, I do think it depends at least a little bit on the whether OP's friend hates it because "it's not what I've been picturing, not big enough, etc, etc." or it really looks poorly made like some of the rings Novella posted. I would definitely not say anything if it was the first reason, the second reason, I'd probably just be honest and see what we could do at a jeweler to smooth/tighten/secure without changing the entire look of the ring, since that was obviously important to her FI.

My then BF asked me to come ring shopping with him once, I picked out 5 ring styles I really liked and picked my favorite diamond shape. 6 months later he proposed with a ring that didn't much look like what i'd been picturing in my head, but I was so excited it wasn't even something I really thought about til later. It's not what I personally would have picked out, but the time and thought he put into picking every part of it is so meaningful and important. I love it.

ETF: words

climbingsingle · March 2015

If you would have asked me what kind of ring I envisioned, I would have said a sapphire. It's my birth stone and I love it. My H proposed to me with an opal surrounded by diamonds. His dad made it for his mom in the 70s. It was totally not my style. I never would have walked into a store and picked it out. But this was the ring my H selected for me. And because of that, it had immense meaning to me. He didn't do the wrong thing by choosing to propose with that ring. And I think that idea, that your (hypothetical) FI did wrong by you by not selecting something he/she was 100% sure you'd like is laughable.

photokitty · March 2015

charcoalandblush said:
I would absolutely say something. It would be one of the hardest conversations I've ever had, but I would have such a hard time pretending to love an engagement ring that I don't. Maybe that makes me superficial or a SS or whatever. I'm not very picky about jewelry, I would have been thrilled with pretty much any ring DF gave me as long as it wasn't totally bizarre. But to me, it sounds like this ring is. I just have a hard time imagining that DF would want me to "suck it up" and wear a ring that I was truly unhappy with (not "I wanted 2 carats and he got me 1.5" unhappy, but truly unhappy).

PPs have said maybe this was all he could afford - If i'm recalling the OP correctly, the center stone was already set in a ring when he got it. Why not give her that ring? That's possibly even cheaper than buying additional stones and having his friend re-set it. Or - why not forgo the engagement ring entirely and just make sure to pick out wedding bands together that you both love?
Yeah, the whole "maybe this is all he could afford" argument doesn't fly with me. If he could afford the red and green birthstones, he could afford the same ring without the birthstones so that it doesn't look like Christmas on a finger 12 months out of the year.

This. A gold solitaire setting costs under $300. If my FI couldn't afford that I would want him to give me a ring out a cracker jack box before going into debt. Or have a frank conversation with me about the ring prior to the proposal.

Full disclosure - prior to my ExH proposing he asked what I wanted in an engagement ring. He brought it up and since he asked I gave him an honest answer. I told him I wanted a princess cut in a plain yellow gold solitaire setting with no side stones.

He instead got me a platinum, intricate antiqued setting, with side stones and a round diamond. I sucked it up and didn't say anything, but I didn't hate it, it just wasn't my style.

What really hurt was that he got me what he wanted, instead of what he knew I wanted and what fit my personal style.

lovemesomemonster · March 2015

climbingwife said:If you would have asked me what kind of ring I envisioned, I would have said a sapphire. It's my birth stone and I love it. My H proposed to me with an opal surrounded by diamonds. His dad made it for his mom in the 70s. It was totally not my style. I never would have walked into a store and picked it out. But this was the ring my H selected for me. And because of that, it had immense meaning to me. He didn't do the wrong thing by choosing to propose with that ring. And I think that idea, that your (hypothetical) FI did wrong by you by not selecting something he/she was 100% sure you'd like is laughable. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~BOXES~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to slightly disagree here. It sounds like yours had meaning, it was made for his mom by his dad and it was the full ring, the one in question was a melted down ring from an ex made into something custom.. if you are going to go custom and it's not an already sentimental piece the world is open to you in regards to style so why wouldn't you want to make sure that it was something they liked? My dad asked my mom to marry him with just the diamond because he wanted her to pick out the setting and he had no clue what to get. If the person is going to hopefully wear it forever I would want them to love it. It just sounds like he had an idea in his mind what he wanted but didn't think about her style at all which is where you can go wrong.

banana468 · March 2015

climbingwife said:
If you would have asked me what kind of ring I envisioned, I would have said a sapphire. It's my birth stone and I love it. My H proposed to me with an opal surrounded by diamonds. His dad made it for his mom in the 70s. It was totally not my style. I never would have walked into a store and picked it out. But this was the ring my H selected for me. And because of that, it had immense meaning to me. He didn't do the wrong thing by choosing to propose with that ring. And I think that idea, that your (hypothetical) FI did wrong by you by not selecting something he/she was 100% sure you'd like is laughable.

I think he'd have to be completely daft and not giving a shit at all to say that he did her wrong.

But IMO,there's a large difference between proposing with something that's not 100% your taste and proposing with something that's 100% NOT your taste.

novella1186 · March 2015

I just bought a necklace for my aunt as a thank you for hosting my shower this weekend. I've always seen her wear necklaces so I had a general idea of the style she usually wears, but I texted my cousin to ask if there were any particular colors or metals she really hated, just in case.

When I give a gift, I try to put some thought into picking something that really matches the person's style, because I want it to be something they really like and enjoy getting. If I was going to spend a substantial amount of money and/or give someone something as meaningful as an engagement ring, I would DEFINITELY try to match their style and preferences.

That being said, though, I don't expect other people to think the same way I do, or to give gifts by the same methods I give them. If FI hadn't gotten my input at all on a ring and just picked something, I would never have said, "Ew that's not my style. Why didn't you check with me first? Why did you research better?!" I would have been thrilled with any ring, because he was saying he wants to spend his life with me, and that's huge. It goes so far beyond the style of jewelry.

It's a bit different if it's a poorly made ring that was melted and falling apart with all kinds of crazy things going on. As PP said, there's a big difference between wanting a bigger stone, or wanting something that's quality and won't fall to pieces/lose stones/whatever.

hellosweetie1015 · March 2015

Eh. I can see both sides.

My e-ring is a 1/15 carat weight sterling silver ring. It's tee-niney. I would never, in a million years, dream of telling FI that I'd kind of imagined something just a smidge bigger in the rare occasions I'd imagined my e-ring. My ring is beautiful, and he picked it out without any input on my part, and it is 110% perfect. My imagination's larger ring is nothing to the sentimental value I've put on my cheap little e-ring.

IF FI had gone to a student jeweler and had him bang out something that looked like the rings Novella shared, I would find a way to tell him that I wasn't fond of the ring, although the thought and the care he put into it meant the world to me. Even if I was snarking in my head that clearly going to Buddy Boy to get it done didn't equate to a whole hell of a lot of care in its creation if it came out looking like crap.

Banana said it right: there's a large difference between proposing with something that's not 100% your taste and proposing with something that's 100% NOT your taste.

kvruns · March 2015

jenna8984 said:

Maggie0829 said:

And yeah it is "just a piece of jewelry" and the thought behind it should mean more then the final product. But I am someone who would hate to see a person spend a bunch of money on something that will just end up shoved in a jewelry box never to see the light of day because the person who received it didn't like it. I would much rather be told that it just isn't that persons style and get them something that they do love.

I'm with this. Our third Christmas together, DH (then FI) got me these purple, heart shaped stone drop earrings. He could tell immediately by my face that I didn't like them. I thanked him profusely for the thought, but I didn't lie. I said they were not my style, and I'd never wear them, and I'd feel terrible to have waste the money for it to sit in a box. It was hard because it the first piece of jewelry he ever bought me and I didn't want to seem ungrateful or that the thought wasn't appreciated because it certainly was. But I felt less bad telling him than I would have felt never wearing them.
I know your friend's is different because it's the engagement ring and not just any gift, so in that case I honestly don't know if I would react the same way.

Same thing happened for me. No jewelry until Vday or maybe anniversary around the 2 year mark. He got me this heart shaped necklace....I hated it. It made me think of the stuff you see on TV commercials around Vday except this cost a whole lot more. He did say exchange it if you want (they have a 60 day no questions asked policy) but I was nervous to do it because he spent the time picking it out and stuff but at the end of the day I knew I'd never wear it - a) bc I don't even wear necklaces like that and b) definitely didn't like the style. We exchanged it for earrings that I had been wanting and wear a lot.

FFW to engagement, we didn't do any looking, never asked what I liked because he wanted it as a surprise. The ring he picked out I didn't like at all. Doesn't sound like OP's situation in being ugly, just wasn't my style at all. Would I have worn it had I had no other option, probably, but for spending that much money it needs to be something I want to wear. It caused some issues at the beginning but he could tell I didn't like it and me saying I'd learn to like it didn't go so well. It took some time to work through that issue to be honest. But we exchanged it and I got something I liked. As it turned out he was looking at 3 styles and the other 2 he decided against are ones I would have liked so of course I wished he would have just chosen one of those and it would have been great.

Fairly certain I will never be given jewelry ever again!

ETA; It wasn't an issue of diamond size or anything, I actually ended up getting a different diamond that was smaller. But the ring he picked out had a much thicker and decorative band, that combined with the matching wedding band would have been huge. I don't have dainty hands but it was too big and I got something much thinner that still has an element of the design he originally picked out

climbingsingle · March 2015

lovemesomemonster said:
climbingwife said:
If you would have asked me what kind of ring I envisioned, I would have said a sapphire. It's my birth stone and I love it. My H proposed to me with an opal surrounded by diamonds. His dad made it for his mom in the 70s. It was totally not my style. I never would have walked into a store and picked it out. But this was the ring my H selected for me. And because of that, it had immense meaning to me. He didn't do the wrong thing by choosing to propose with that ring. And I think that idea, that your (hypothetical) FI did wrong by you by not selecting something he/she was 100% sure you'd like is laughable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~BOXES~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to slightly disagree here. It sounds like yours had meaning, it was made for his mom by his dad and it was the full ring, the one in question was a melted down ring from an ex made into something custom.. if you are going to go custom and it's not an already sentimental piece the world is open to you in regards to style so why wouldn't you want to make sure that it was something they liked? My dad asked my mom to marry him with just the diamond because he wanted her to pick out the setting and he had no clue what to get. If the person is going to hopefully wear it forever I would want them to love it. It just sounds like he had an idea in his mind what he wanted but didn't think about her style at all which is where you can go wrong.

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How can you be 100% sure anyone with like something you've selected for them? What if you would like to have something custom made and you think you've picked out a style the other person will love? You want it to be a surprise, so you're not going to ask. I've picked out many things I think my H will love. But really, I can never be sure.

lovemesomemonster · March 2015

climbingwife said:

lovemesomemonster said:
climbingwife said:
If you would have asked me what kind of ring I envisioned, I would have said a sapphire. It's my birth stone and I love it. My H proposed to me with an opal surrounded by diamonds. His dad made it for his mom in the 70s. It was totally not my style. I never would have walked into a store and picked it out. But this was the ring my H selected for me. And because of that, it had immense meaning to me. He didn't do the wrong thing by choosing to propose with that ring. And I think that idea, that your (hypothetical) FI did wrong by you by not selecting something he/she was 100% sure you'd like is laughable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~BOXES~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to slightly disagree here. It sounds like yours had meaning, it was made for his mom by his dad and it was the full ring, the one in question was a melted down ring from an ex made into something custom.. if you are going to go custom and it's not an already sentimental piece the world is open to you in regards to style so why wouldn't you want to make sure that it was something they liked? My dad asked my mom to marry him with just the diamond because he wanted her to pick out the setting and he had no clue what to get. If the person is going to hopefully wear it forever I would want them to love it. It just sounds like he had an idea in his mind what he wanted but didn't think about her style at all which is where you can go wrong.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can you be 100% sure anyone with like something you've selected for them? What if you would like to have something custom made and you think you've picked out a style the other person will love? You want it to be a surprise, so you're not going to ask. I've picked out many things I think my H will love. But really, I can never be sure.

_____________________________________________________________________________

There is a difference in being not 100% sure someone likes something and completely missing the mark. Something with diamonds? Pretty safe bet even if it's not 100%, they are clear. Something with red and green? VERY specific. I would like more background because we don't know, maybe she wears red and green all the time and he thought it through. From the sounds of the OP he took an idea (their birth stones) and ran with it instead of thinking about if she would like it or it would go with anything she already wears. When you put thought into something you think they will like you normally get close if not there, this sounds more like he had an idea he thought was good to him but didn't think about her liking it. For instance, if I pick out a shirt for FI and I buy him a plaid button up, I'm going to be close even if the colors are not perfect to his liking because that is most of what is in his closet, if I buy him a sweater I'm clearly not even looking at what he wears and am way off the mark.

photokitty · March 2015

climbingwife said:

lovemesomemonster said:
climbingwife said:
If you would have asked me what kind of ring I envisioned, I would have said a sapphire. It's my birth stone and I love it. My H proposed to me with an opal surrounded by diamonds. His dad made it for his mom in the 70s. It was totally not my style. I never would have walked into a store and picked it out. But this was the ring my H selected for me. And because of that, it had immense meaning to me. He didn't do the wrong thing by choosing to propose with that ring. And I think that idea, that your (hypothetical) FI did wrong by you by not selecting something he/she was 100% sure you'd like is laughable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~BOXES~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to slightly disagree here. It sounds like yours had meaning, it was made for his mom by his dad and it was the full ring, the one in question was a melted down ring from an ex made into something custom.. if you are going to go custom and it's not an already sentimental piece the world is open to you in regards to style so why wouldn't you want to make sure that it was something they liked? My dad asked my mom to marry him with just the diamond because he wanted her to pick out the setting and he had no clue what to get. If the person is going to hopefully wear it forever I would want them to love it. It just sounds like he had an idea in his mind what he wanted but didn't think about her style at all which is where you can go wrong.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can you be 100% sure anyone with like something you've selected for them? What if you would like to have something custom made and you think you've picked out a style the other person will love? You want it to be a surprise, so you're not going to ask. I've picked out many things I think my H will love. But really, I can never be sure.

*******************************

The real question here is - if he didn't love it, in fact he really didn't like it at all, would you want him to tell you so you could get him something he would love or would you want him to pretend to love it?

Yes, you can never be 100% certain. Yes, he can still appreciate the effort and thought that went in to selecting it. But any the end of the day would you want him to wear something he hates?

I think that's the root of the issue here - are you honest or do you "suck it up?"

climbingsingle · March 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

climbingwife said:

lovemesomemonster said:
climbingwife said:
If you would have asked me what kind of ring I envisioned, I would have said a sapphire. It's my birth stone and I love it. My H proposed to me with an opal surrounded by diamonds. His dad made it for his mom in the 70s. It was totally not my style. I never would have walked into a store and picked it out. But this was the ring my H selected for me. And because of that, it had immense meaning to me. He didn't do the wrong thing by choosing to propose with that ring. And I think that idea, that your (hypothetical) FI did wrong by you by not selecting something he/she was 100% sure you'd like is laughable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~BOXES~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to slightly disagree here. It sounds like yours had meaning, it was made for his mom by his dad and it was the full ring, the one in question was a melted down ring from an ex made into something custom.. if you are going to go custom and it's not an already sentimental piece the world is open to you in regards to style so why wouldn't you want to make sure that it was something they liked? My dad asked my mom to marry him with just the diamond because he wanted her to pick out the setting and he had no clue what to get. If the person is going to hopefully wear it forever I would want them to love it. It just sounds like he had an idea in his mind what he wanted but didn't think about her style at all which is where you can go wrong.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can you be 100% sure anyone with like something you've selected for them? What if you would like to have something custom made and you think you've picked out a style the other person will love? You want it to be a surprise, so you're not going to ask. I've picked out many things I think my H will love. But really, I can never be sure.

_____________________________________________________________________________

There is a difference in being not 100% sure someone likes something and completely missing the mark. Something with diamonds? Pretty safe bet even if it's not 100%, they are clear. Something with red and green? VERY specific. I would like more background because we don't know, maybe she wears red and green all the time and he thought it through. From the sounds of the OP he took an idea (their birth stones) and ran with it instead of thinking about if she would like it or it would go with anything she already wears. When you put thought into something you think they will like you normally get close if not there, this sounds more like he had an idea he thought was good to him but didn't think about her liking it. For instance, if I pick out a shirt for FI and I buy him a plaid button up, I'm going to be close even if the colors are not perfect to his liking because that is most of what is in his closet, if I buy him a sweater I'm clearly not even looking at what he wears and am way off the mark.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IMO, designing a ring with both of their birth stones is already starting at a very sweet gesture. That to me indicates he was trying to do something he thought she would love.

banana468 · March 2015

If I'm going to go out of my way to spend $$ on something for DH, I'm going to make sure that he likes it. We went shopping together before he proposed and he knew in advance what my style was.

I wouldn't spend thousands of money on something that wasn't returnable for full value if I didn't think he loved it. That may mean that I talk to him in advance about a purchase I'm making but there's no way I'm going to buy something and take such a financial risk.

anjemon · March 2015

climbingwife said:
climbingwife said:
If you would have asked me what kind of ring I envisioned, I would have said a sapphire. It's my birth stone and I love it. My H proposed to me with an opal surrounded by diamonds. His dad made it for his mom in the 70s. It was totally not my style. I never would have walked into a store and picked it out. But this was the ring my H selected for me. And because of that, it had immense meaning to me. He didn't do the wrong thing by choosing to propose with that ring. And I think that idea, that your (hypothetical) FI did wrong by you by not selecting something he/she was 100% sure you'd like is laughable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~BOXES~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to slightly disagree here. It sounds like yours had meaning, it was made for his mom by his dad and it was the full ring, the one in question was a melted down ring from an ex made into something custom.. if you are going to go custom and it's not an already sentimental piece the world is open to you in regards to style so why wouldn't you want to make sure that it was something they liked? My dad asked my mom to marry him with just the diamond because he wanted her to pick out the setting and he had no clue what to get. If the person is going to hopefully wear it forever I would want them to love it. It just sounds like he had an idea in his mind what he wanted but didn't think about her style at all which is where you can go wrong.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can you be 100% sure anyone with like something you've selected for them? What if you would like to have something custom made and you think you've picked out a style the other person will love? You want it to be a surprise, so you're not going to ask. I've picked out many things I think my H will love. But really, I can never be sure.

------------THERE ARE BOXES IN MY PREVIEW ------------------

Mostly off topic, but the bolded is my biggest issue with gift giving. I always want to find things people will 100% LOVE. Or at least 100% wanted. So I dither and waffle about what to get them. This is the big reason I don't have BM gifts yet. I want them to really love them and I'm unsure.

ETF: BOXES

photokitty · March 2015

UO: I think birthstones on e-rings are cheesy as hell. I'm not even a fan of the mother or grandmother rings. I might feel different about hem when I have kids tho, but on an e-ring it's cheesy. (Big UO: Almost as cheesy as a heart shaped diamond IMHO)

ETA - I feel the need to clarify, I'm not against colored stones in general. In fact I have a ruby wrap for my e-ring, as well as a separate sapphire wrap. But had DH slapped a citrine on one side and garnet on the other I would find that cheesy as hell.

ETA again - yeah, not wearing this (googled to verify I would hate it and I do)

What do you do if you hate the engagement ring?

Re: What do you do if you hate the engagement ring?

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