What do you do if you hate the engagement ring?

banana468 · March 2015

climbingwife said:

lovemesomemonster said:

climbingwife said:

lovemesomemonster said:
climbingwife said:
If you would have asked me what kind of ring I envisioned, I would have said a sapphire. It's my birth stone and I love it. My H proposed to me with an opal surrounded by diamonds. His dad made it for his mom in the 70s. It was totally not my style. I never would have walked into a store and picked it out. But this was the ring my H selected for me. And because of that, it had immense meaning to me. He didn't do the wrong thing by choosing to propose with that ring. And I think that idea, that your (hypothetical) FI did wrong by you by not selecting something he/she was 100% sure you'd like is laughable.
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I have to slightly disagree here. It sounds like yours had meaning, it was made for his mom by his dad and it was the full ring, the one in question was a melted down ring from an ex made into something custom.. if you are going to go custom and it's not an already sentimental piece the world is open to you in regards to style so why wouldn't you want to make sure that it was something they liked? My dad asked my mom to marry him with just the diamond because he wanted her to pick out the setting and he had no clue what to get. If the person is going to hopefully wear it forever I would want them to love it. It just sounds like he had an idea in his mind what he wanted but didn't think about her style at all which is where you can go wrong.

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How can you be 100% sure anyone with like something you've selected for them? What if you would like to have something custom made and you think you've picked out a style the other person will love? You want it to be a surprise, so you're not going to ask. I've picked out many things I think my H will love. But really, I can never be sure.
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There is a difference in being not 100% sure someone likes something and completely missing the mark. Something with diamonds? Pretty safe bet even if it's not 100%, they are clear. Something with red and green? VERY specific. I would like more background because we don't know, maybe she wears red and green all the time and he thought it through. From the sounds of the OP he took an idea (their birth stones) and ran with it instead of thinking about if she would like it or it would go with anything she already wears. When you put thought into something you think they will like you normally get close if not there, this sounds more like he had an idea he thought was good to him but didn't think about her liking it. For instance, if I pick out a shirt for FI and I buy him a plaid button up, I'm going to be close even if the colors are not perfect to his liking because that is most of what is in his closet, if I buy him a sweater I'm clearly not even looking at what he wears and am way off the mark.

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IMO, designing a ring with both of their birth stones is already starting at a very sweet gesture. That to me indicates he was trying to do something he thought she would love.

I think we need to see the ring though to see if it's a jewelry version of a Pinterest fail. He may have thought it was a great idea and maybe he even wanted it to turn out to be different than it currently looks. But having a great intention and having it come out correctly are two completely different things.

On Valentine's Day, I set out to make brownies. The recipe was for Oreo brownies that had cookies and cream ice cream and hot fudge all in the batter with a layer of Oreos in the middle. I set out to make the recipe and put a ton of effort into making everything "just right". Then, as I put the pan of excellence in the oven, the pan slipped out of my hands and I poured my loving concoction down my oven door, into the oven bottom and even down into my oven drawer. Brownie splooge lay in every crevice and even onto my kitchen floor. The craptacular effort was met with an immediate "GODDAMMIT!!!!" that my 4 yo got to hear and repeat back, "Mommy, why did you say goddammit?" The perfect recipe and near perfect execution still didn't get DH something he would have loved because I screwed up.

This ring could be that pan of brownies.

themuffinman16 · March 2015

photokitty said:
UO: I think birthstones on e-rings are cheesy as hell. I'm not even a fan of the mother or grandmother rings. I might feel different about hem when I have kids tho, but on an e-ring it's cheesy. (Big UO: Almost as cheesy as a heart shaped diamond IMHO)

I hate mother rings. A hodgepodge of different stones in a setting is never my style. I absolutely hate my birth stone (November... yuck). If god loved me, he would have made my birthday in September or October

If I were given something I absolutely hated, I would have to tell my husband, delicately. If I were given something that wasn't exactly my taste but was okay, I think I would learn to love it. I think custom jewelry is something a couple should do together. If someone doesn't like it, you can't take it back. You can only pay even more money to get it in a setting you prefer.

simcal18 · March 2015

climbingwife said:

lovemesomemonster said:

climbingwife said:

lovemesomemonster said:
climbingwife said:
If you would have asked me what kind of ring I envisioned, I would have said a sapphire. It's my birth stone and I love it. My H proposed to me with an opal surrounded by diamonds. His dad made it for his mom in the 70s. It was totally not my style. I never would have walked into a store and picked it out. But this was the ring my H selected for me. And because of that, it had immense meaning to me. He didn't do the wrong thing by choosing to propose with that ring. And I think that idea, that your (hypothetical) FI did wrong by you by not selecting something he/she was 100% sure you'd like is laughable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~BOXES~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to slightly disagree here. It sounds like yours had meaning, it was made for his mom by his dad and it was the full ring, the one in question was a melted down ring from an ex made into something custom.. if you are going to go custom and it's not an already sentimental piece the world is open to you in regards to style so why wouldn't you want to make sure that it was something they liked? My dad asked my mom to marry him with just the diamond because he wanted her to pick out the setting and he had no clue what to get. If the person is going to hopefully wear it forever I would want them to love it. It just sounds like he had an idea in his mind what he wanted but didn't think about her style at all which is where you can go wrong.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can you be 100% sure anyone with like something you've selected for them? What if you would like to have something custom made and you think you've picked out a style the other person will love? You want it to be a surprise, so you're not going to ask. I've picked out many things I think my H will love. But really, I can never be sure.
_____________________________________________________________________________

There is a difference in being not 100% sure someone likes something and completely missing the mark. Something with diamonds? Pretty safe bet even if it's not 100%, they are clear. Something with red and green? VERY specific. I would like more background because we don't know, maybe she wears red and green all the time and he thought it through. From the sounds of the OP he took an idea (their birth stones) and ran with it instead of thinking about if she would like it or it would go with anything she already wears. When you put thought into something you think they will like you normally get close if not there, this sounds more like he had an idea he thought was good to him but didn't think about her liking it. For instance, if I pick out a shirt for FI and I buy him a plaid button up, I'm going to be close even if the colors are not perfect to his liking because that is most of what is in his closet, if I buy him a sweater I'm clearly not even looking at what he wears and am way off the mark.

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IMO, designing a ring with both of their birth stones is already starting at a very sweet gesture. That to me indicates he was trying to do something he thought she would love.

It is a sweet gesture. But it sounds like it was a sweet gesture with an end result that was visually unappealing. It also sounds like it was a sweet gesture made by a somewhat naive guy who probably doesn't have a lot of experience designing or selecting jewelry. And that's fine. Most guys who are about to propose probably don't have a lot of experience selecting jewelry or even wearing it all that often. But part of the problem is likely that this guy used a student jeweler. A more experienced jeweler would probably have steered this guy away from the birthstone idea unless he was really sure that it's what his FI-to-be wanted.

lovemesomemonster · March 2015

themuffinman16 said:

photokitty said:
UO: I think birthstones on e-rings are cheesy as hell. I'm not even a fan of the mother or grandmother rings. I might feel different about hem when I have kids tho, but on an e-ring it's cheesy. (Big UO: Almost as cheesy as a heart shaped diamond IMHO)
I hate mother rings. A hodgepodge of different stones in a setting is never my style. I absolutely hate my birth stone (November... yuck). If god loved me, he would have made my birthday in September or October
If I were given something I absolutely hated, I would have to tell my husband, delicately. If I were given something that wasn't exactly my taste but was okay, I think I would learn to love it. I think custom jewelry is something a couple should do together. If someone doesn't like it, you can't take it back. You can only pay even more money to get it in a setting you prefer.

Totally agree with you ladies on the birthstones! The only time it works is if you have mine in there (April, diamond). I think this guy had a very heart felt IDEA of putting birth stones in it and being meaningful but I don't think he really thought through the wearing it every day thing. If FI had put his birth stone with my diamond that could have worked but if it were red and green I would be thinking it was a December thing for the holidays.

thisismynickname2 · March 2015

A diamond is my birthstone. A sapphire is DH's birthstone, but I wanted one because I just love sapphires, not because it's "his" birthstone. There are 12 stones that are birthstones, obviously.

Saying, "this rock is so pretty and awesome" is different form saying "I got this ring because birthstones, yo."

Anyway, OP, come back! With pictures! Unless you're afraid of your friend finding this thread, which we understand. Inquiring minds here!

Liatris2010 · March 2015

I'm not that convinced this was as thoughtful as others think it is. He used his mom's ring, which is sentimental to him, not his fiancee. He had his friend, who is learning, make it, which sounds like more of a favor to his wallet or his friend than to his fiancee.

If I were in your friend's shoes I would sugest getting a wedding set so we could have matching bands, and then never wear the e-ring again.

lovemesomemonster · March 2015

@thisismynickname Holy wow.. you are diamond, I am diamond.. your FI is sapphire, my FI is sapphire.. WEIRD!

levioosa · March 2015

I think I would say something, depending on "how bad" of a pinterest fail the ring was. If it just wasn't quite my style, I would probably suck it up and choose a different wedding band to wear everyday instead once we were married.

SO bought me a necklace last year for our anniversary. It was expensive and heart shaped. I don't like heart shaped jewelry. It seems very Jr. High to me. But I sucked it up and I told him I loved it, because I really did love the thought behind it. I know he looked a long time and he was so excited to give it to me. The other necklace he got me for my birthday was much more in line with my style so I have hope that he'll do okay with a ring. Now I don't mind wearing the heart necklace, and I even kind of like it because I know how much thought he put into it. I'm generally not a very sentimental person, but that necklace means a lot to me.

I had a friend who told her FI she hated the ring and immediately took him to the jewelry store to get a new one. I thought it was a little harsh, especially because the ring he picked out wasn't hideous (I actually really liked it), it just wasn't quite her style.

pinkcow13 · March 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

themuffinman16 said:

photokitty said:
UO: I think birthstones on e-rings are cheesy as hell. I'm not even a fan of the mother or grandmother rings. I might feel different about hem when I have kids tho, but on an e-ring it's cheesy. (Big UO: Almost as cheesy as a heart shaped diamond IMHO)
I hate mother rings. A hodgepodge of different stones in a setting is never my style. I absolutely hate my birth stone (November... yuck). If god loved me, he would have made my birthday in September or October
If I were given something I absolutely hated, I would have to tell my husband, delicately. If I were given something that wasn't exactly my taste but was okay, I think I would learn to love it. I think custom jewelry is something a couple should do together. If someone doesn't like it, you can't take it back. You can only pay even more money to get it in a setting you prefer.
Totally agree with you ladies on the birthstones! The only time it works is if you have mine in there (April, diamond). I think this guy had a very heart felt IDEA of putting birth stones in it and being meaningful but I don't think he really thought through the wearing it every day thing. If FI had put his birth stone with my diamond that could have worked but if it were red and green I would be thinking it was a December thing for the holidays.

Yea, I HATE my birthstone. It's green, and I hate the color green. I also don't find the idea of putting their birthstones on her ring as particularly sweet or sentimental, because I personally don't give a crap about birthstones.

I want to see this ring, or at least something similar to it, just to see if it is a SS situation or if it really is that bad and poorly made.

The way I see it, is that maybe his intentions were there, and he really meant it to be a sweet gesture, but when executed, it did not come out the right way. She doesn't have to love her e-ring, but as long as she appreciates what it represents, that's what matters. As to whether she should say something, I think she should, but be sensitive about his feelings. Not just blurt out " I hate this hideous piece of crap, what were you thinking?"

Personally, I would prefer if FI were honest about something I gave him that he hates, than to lie about it and "suck it up" for my sake. At the end of the day, that's what marriage is, being upfront and honest, but still being sensitive to your partners feelings during sensitive situations.

I also agree with what Maggie stated earlier and getting the ring checked out by a professional jewler.

anniewalkerx · March 2015

Aw this tugs at my heartstrings a bit because this is totally a mistake I could make if I were the ring purchaser. I have the best of intentions but absolutely NO artistic eye. I get really excited about ideas (just like this one) and I can totally understand what he was thinking. "It will be so meaningful because I made it! From my mom's ring! It's so unique! Like her! Just like that one T Shirt she has in her closet that is both red and green and gold!"

I think it's likely her FI already knows that he didn't hit a home run with the ring. Most of us are not fantastic actors, and our partners usually know us better than anyone else. If she just sucks it up and doesn't say anything, I could totally see this being an awkward issue between them and something he's kind of bummed about forever.

If I were her, I would suggest taking it to a jeweler to make sure it's not going to fall apart or whatever, and use that opportunity to make gentle suggestions about other things that could be fixed.

I don't think it's overly materialistic to want a well made, normal engagement ring. If this post was "Her diamond isn't big enough!!!" I would roll my eyes hard. I think this is different.

novella1186 · March 2015

Can I just brag on FI's jewelry selection? For my birthday this year, he googled me and ended up finding my pinterest page. Then he scrolled through my boards and found one that had jewelry on it. He picked out his favorite pair of earrings from that board and traced them back to Etsy. Then he contacted the Etsy seller and asked her to make a custom pair for me, because he knew I'd like them better if they were slightly shorter than the ones in the photo, and he was right. Nailed it. And although I loved the earrings (and wear them every chance I get), I was even more blown away by the thought and effort he put into it.

ashley8918 · March 2015

I can't remember if I already replied to this or not, but I would (and did) absolutely suck it up. If I got H a gift, and he told me that it was ugly, I would be devastated.

littlepep · March 2015

novella1186 said:
Can I just brag on FI's jewelry selection? For my birthday this year, he googled me and ended up finding my pinterest page. Then he scrolled through my boards and found one that had jewelry on it. He picked out his favorite pair of earrings from that board and traced them back to Etsy. Then he contacted the Etsy seller and asked her to make a custom pair for me, because he knew I'd like them better if they were slightly shorter than the ones in the photo, and he was right. Nailed it. And although I loved the earrings (and wear them every chance I get), I was even more blown away by the thought and effort he put into it.

Wow! That is super thoughtful! My FI is pretty good about remembering what stuff I mention wanting or paying attention to what stuff I like that I already have, but I can't imagine him googling me haha.

He did go on a mission to replace one of the earrings he had gotten me. My neighbors dog ate it out of my ear. Kind of impressive really. Anyway, I was super sad because I loved the earrings so he contacted the seller to see if she could send a replacement and she did.

flyingfoxes · March 2015

I'd be curious to see this ring as well.

I didn't absolutely love my ring at first sight. FI had asked me what kinds of metals, stones, etc I liked, and he spent a couple of months researching to find something he liked that he thought I would love, and I got over the initial feeling pretty quickly. He told me if I didn't like it, his feelings would be a little hurt, but we could change it. I love my ring now, I just needed a little time to get there.

That being said, if it looked like any of those @novella1186 posted, no dice, haha.

lovemesomemonster · March 2015

ashley8918 said:
I can't remember if I already replied to this or not, but I would (and did) absolutely suck it up. If I got H a gift, and he told me that it was ugly, I would be devastated.

I would 100% want to know that he didn't like it! I don't want him to have to feel that he has to lie to me to spare my feelings while we are wasting money on something he doesn't really want. I would rather hear a heart felt "the thought was so sweet, however, I think I would get more use out of something a little different, can we go back and look together?" you don't have to come out and say "this is ugly" but why wouldn't you want to make sure you are getting the biggest bang for your buck?

Let's look at this like an orgasm.. I would rather tell him "it feels better this way" and have him say the same, instead of "faking it" for years and never being fully satisfied.

ashley8918 · March 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

ashley8918 said:
I can't remember if I already replied to this or not, but I would (and did) absolutely suck it up. If I got H a gift, and he told me that it was ugly, I would be devastated.
I would 100% want to know that he didn't like it! I don't want him to have to feel that he has to lie to me to spare my feelings while we are wasting money on something he doesn't really want. I would rather hear a heart felt "the thought was so sweet, however, I think I would get more use out of something a little different, can we go back and look together?" you don't have to come out and say "this is ugly" but why wouldn't you want to make sure you are getting the biggest bang for your buck?

Let's look at this like an orgasm.. I would rather tell him "it feels better this way" and have him say the same, instead of "faking it" for years and never being fully satisfied.

If I asked him? Sure I wouldn't want him to lie. But especially If I had had something really heartfelt custom made, and he felt the need to let me know he didn't like it out of nowhere? Nope.

Also, graciously accepting a gift is NOTHING like taking care of yourself sexually.

I didn't (and still don't) like the look of my e-ring. It's not my style. I didn't feel the need to bring that up to him. I love it because he picked it out for me, and materialism is not my thing.

VulgarGirl · March 2015

On one hand I agree with Larry. Plus, once you get married, just wear just the wedding band. Pleanty of people do. My step-mom stopped wearing her engagement ring after the first year because she kept worrying she was going to hurt it, she just wears her wedding band daily now.

On other hand, lying to your future spouse is not the best plan in the world.

When I purposed to Wifey I was flat fucking broke. So was she. I bought us a pair of matching claddagh rings at the renaissance fair. There is no bling on these rings. These rings are blingless. I would've been hurt if when I purposed to Wifey she asked why no bling. I have offered since to upgrade her ring to some bling. She very kindly said "Fuck you if you think you're touching my motherfucking ring"...so that's a no then?

I have since bought her other jewelry with some more bling to it. She loves emeralds (my birth stone) and I bought her a lovely emerald ring with diamonds on the sides for her birthday one year. She loves it and wears it on her right hand. Girlfriend likes the bling. Hell so do I. But our engagement rings, which are now our wedding bands, are something different. They're plain. But still special.

pinkcow13 · March 2015

novella1186 said:
Can I just brag on FI's jewelry selection? For my birthday this year, he googled me and ended up finding my pinterest page. Then he scrolled through my boards and found one that had jewelry on it. He picked out his favorite pair of earrings from that board and traced them back to Etsy. Then he contacted the Etsy seller and asked her to make a custom pair for me, because he knew I'd like them better if they were slightly shorter than the ones in the photo, and he was right. Nailed it. And although I loved the earrings (and wear them every chance I get), I was even more blown away by the thought and effort he put into it.

This is really thoughtful and awesome of him!Talk about detective work! I don't think my FI knows what Pinterest even is haha. I keep showing him stuff on it (wedding ideas) and he keeps asking me what site that is!

JennyColada · March 2015

I don't think that I'd ever tell DH (or fi at the time) that I didn't like a piece of jewelry that he bought me. I like when he buys me jewelry and I don't want him to stop.

Similarly, I've never told my grandmother that I didn't like the sweater she bought me or the teddy bear that she gave me.

That said, DH has never picked me out anything that I genuinely hated (although I've had bf's give me jewelry in the past that is totally not my style at ALL), and I rarely see my grandmother.

To me, it's kind of akin to brussel sprouts: I don't like them. But I will eat them because DH often makes them when he makes steak and I LOVE his steak. So putting up with a little bit of something that I don't like as much is worth it in the long run to have more of something that I really like.

lovemesomemonster · March 2015

JennyColada said:
I don't think that I'd ever tell DH (or fi at the time) that I didn't like a piece of jewelry that he bought me. I like when he buys me jewelry and I don't want him to stop.
Similarly, I've never told my grandmother that I didn't like the sweater she bought me or the teddy bear that she gave me.
That said, DH has never picked me out anything that I genuinely hated (although I've had bf's give me jewelry in the past that is totally not my style at ALL), and I rarely see my grandmother.
To me, it's kind of akin to brussel sprouts: I don't like them. But I will eat them because DH often makes them when he makes steak and I LOVE his steak. So putting up with a little bit of something that I don't like as much is worth it in the long run to have more of something that I really like.

The only problem I have with this is yes, putting up with a little bit of something you don't like being worth it in the long run but that is food, not jewelry. You love getting those gifts from your man, but let's say you hate heart shaped anything and you really don't like the color orange. He keeps buying you heart shaped orange jewelry because you said you liked the necklace he got you the first time.. so instead of being up front with him you now have a massive matching set of something you don't really enjoy, he has spent a lot of money on, and you wear only to spare his feelings? This to me makes no sense, we are always up front with each other, it's not about hurting feelings, we always appreciate the thought, but we like to be practical and LEARN what the other one likes instead of spending years assuming and getting it wrong.

JCbride2015 · March 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

JennyColada said:
I don't think that I'd ever tell DH (or fi at the time) that I didn't like a piece of jewelry that he bought me. I like when he buys me jewelry and I don't want him to stop.
Similarly, I've never told my grandmother that I didn't like the sweater she bought me or the teddy bear that she gave me.
That said, DH has never picked me out anything that I genuinely hated (although I've had bf's give me jewelry in the past that is totally not my style at ALL), and I rarely see my grandmother.
To me, it's kind of akin to brussel sprouts: I don't like them. But I will eat them because DH often makes them when he makes steak and I LOVE his steak. So putting up with a little bit of something that I don't like as much is worth it in the long run to have more of something that I really like.
The only problem I have with this is yes, putting up with a little bit of something you don't like being worth it in the long run but that is food, not jewelry. You love getting those gifts from your man, but let's say you hate heart shaped anything and you really don't like the color orange. He keeps buying you heart shaped orange jewelry because you said you liked the necklace he got you the first time.. so instead of being up front with him you now have a massive matching set of something you don't really enjoy, he has spent a lot of money on, and you wear only to spare his feelings? This to me makes no sense, we are always up front with each other, it's not about hurting feelings, we always appreciate the thought, but we like to be practical and LEARN what the other one likes instead of spending years assuming and getting it wrong.

Yeah, I agree. Pretending you like something you really hate just sounds like the setup for a bad episode of Friends. Once you say you like it it's hard to back down, then you might keep digging the hole deeper because now he thinks that's your taste. Before you know it, every piece of jewelry is green and red.

Fi once got me a watch that was really NMS. I told him as nicely as I could that it was beautiful but just not something I would wear every day to work. We went to exchange it and picked out a new, much more simple watch design that I still wear 5+ years later. It was a better use of his money than a more ornate watch that I would never wear, plus I now associate that watch with nice memories of us picking it out together.

At the time that watch was a big purchase, although obviously not as expensive or emotional as an e-ring. I'm really glad I said something because a) I was honest and I think that's generally the right thing to do, and b) it helped Fi understand my style, which eventually came through in the e--ring he chose. His initial choice of watch was thoughtful and he really tried, and I think he was even more thoughtful to come with me to pick something else together. He wanted me to love that watch, and I did love the second one we picked.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2015

There are ways of "sucking it up" and appreciating the sentiment without lying though. I can't imagine ever telling my H that something he chose for me is ugly. If asked point blank "do you like this?" I would probably say how much I loved the thought he put into it, or how much it meant to me. I wouldn't say "omg how did you know how much I love purple butterflies?!" And you can still express concerns over the ring's construction without dissing it. He'd probably figure out that it wasn't ideal and try to do something about it but I'm not gonna be like "hey honey... I hate this."

ashley8918 · March 2015

lolo883 said:
There are ways of "sucking it up" and appreciating the sentiment without lying though. I can't imagine ever telling my H that something he chose for me is ugly. If asked point blank "do you like this?" I would probably say how much I loved the thought he put into it, or how much it meant to me. I wouldn't say "omg how did you know how much I love purple butterflies?!" And you can still express concerns over the ring's construction without dissing it. He'd probably figure out that it wasn't ideal and try to do something about it but I'm not gonna be like "hey honey... I hate this."

This. If he asked me if I liked it, I would not lie. But I am not going to go out of my way to tell him. I just really don't get the point.

lovemesomemonster · March 2015

lolo883 said:
There are ways of "sucking it up" and appreciating the sentiment without lying though. I can't imagine ever telling my H that something he chose for me is ugly. If asked point blank "do you like this?" I would probably say how much I loved the thought he put into it, or how much it meant to me. I wouldn't say "omg how did you know how much I love purple butterflies?!" And you can still express concerns over the ring's construction without dissing it. He'd probably figure out that it wasn't ideal and try to do something about it but I'm not gonna be like "hey honey... I hate this."

I agree with this 110%.. I would never tell him "you suck, I hate this, nice try", but I think it is important to show gratitude for the thought and effort but still be able to be honest and guide in the direction that will make you happier. At the end of the day it's all "stuff" but that stuff costs money and I'm sure anyone would want to know that what they work to earn is going toward things that will be worn/used with pride.

Maggie0829 · March 2015

lolo883 said:
There are ways of "sucking it up" and appreciating the sentiment without lying though. I can't imagine ever telling my H that something he chose for me is ugly. If asked point blank "do you like this?" I would probably say how much I loved the thought he put into it, or how much it meant to me. I wouldn't say "omg how did you know how much I love purple butterflies?!" And you can still express concerns over the ring's construction without dissing it. He'd probably figure out that it wasn't ideal and try to do something about it but I'm not gonna be like "hey honey... I hate this."

Yeah, all of us saying that the OPs friend should say something certainly aren't suggesting she tell her FI "this ring is fugly and I hate it."

But rather do as lolo said and express gratitude for the gift and say how much the thought put into it means and then express concerns about certain aspects

morphemes · March 2015

It's really too bad that your friend doesn't like her ring, OP. It's a tough situation. I think she has to make this judgment call. You said he'd be devastated to hear she didn't like it. Is it worth bringing up at all then? As PP have said, she could simply wear a wedding band and no e-ring once she's married. Many, many women do this.

What I don't understand is, what is telling him supposed to accomplish? Is it just a way of justifying her not wearing it every day? Because I think there may be other ways (better ways, even) to accomplish this. Such as telling him the colors don't go with every-day attire, or if she has a job wear she might be rough on her hands, or even if she has a job where she types a lot she could say it isn't comfortable.

I, personally, don't think it's ok to tell him she doesn't like it in the hopes of getting a new ring. He has given her a gift, one that can't be exchanged. It's too bad she doesn't like it, but I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he didn't get/make her a ring he KNEW she would dislike. It seems like he was misguided, but well intentioned.

I really like PPs suggestion of taking it to a jeweler to get appraised and checked to make sure it is structurally sound. If she does this herself, maybe the jeweler can give her some advice on how to make it a little more to her liking.

KatieinBkln · March 2015

What I would do:

1. Go to jeweler to see what could be done to make it more palatable to me. Write down list of options.

2. Go to FI: "Hey honey, I went to get the ring appraised for insurance, and when I was talking to the jeweler, he told me that he's concerned the birthstones may [come loose/scratch/whatever thing is the truth] and that the hammered effect is going to wear off if I wear the ring often. I love how much thought you put into this ring, so I don't want to ruin it just by wearing it. What do you think about [removing stones and putting them in another piece/smoothing the gold]? I guess the other option is to only wear it while we're engaged and then stick with the wedding band afterwards, except for special occasions. What do you think is best?"

3. Return to jeweler, armed with options that won't blindside your FI and that will result in a ring you can live with.

Honestly, I see both sides to this, and this has been a fascinating thread. I was one who Pinterested the shit out of things and made sure my sister and best friends knew what was up. When I saw a beautiful ring when I was out with my sister, I said, "Oh wow, something like that if it's in his budget would be perfect!" Sister texted FI, and he bought said ring 20 minutes later. So...yeah, I didn't run into this problem.

I do think I would grow to love anything he picked, though, up to a threshold. I'm not sure exactly how fucked up this ring is, but if it's going to fall apart if I wear it, it's probably going to go in a box once I have my wedding band...

novella1186 · March 2015

ashley8918 said:

lolo883 said:
There are ways of "sucking it up" and appreciating the sentiment without lying though. I can't imagine ever telling my H that something he chose for me is ugly. If asked point blank "do you like this?" I would probably say how much I loved the thought he put into it, or how much it meant to me. I wouldn't say "omg how did you know how much I love purple butterflies?!" And you can still express concerns over the ring's construction without dissing it. He'd probably figure out that it wasn't ideal and try to do something about it but I'm not gonna be like "hey honey... I hate this."
This. If he asked me if I liked it, I would not lie. But I am not going to go out of my way to tell him. I just really don't get the point.

I guess I'm in the camp of being truthful, but I also agree with this. But, I also have it easy. FI and I can read each other really well. If one of us doesn't like something, we can see it on each other's faces immediately. And we're super honest with each other. (I mean, tactfully honest. I wouldn't say "wow that's fucking ugly," but I would say "it's just not my style.")

A few Christmases ago he got me a big bottle of Chanel No 5. No offense to anyone who likes that scent, but I personally can't stand it. He remembered me talking about how much I've always loved the scent of Chanel perfume because my mom always wore it for special occasions when I was growing up, so to me the smell means something special is happening. So the thought behind it was genuine and incredibly sweet.

But he could tell by the look on my face (even though I seriously tried to pretend I loved it) that I didn't love it. He said, "Is it the wrong scent? I wasn't sure which one to get." I said, "I really love that you got me this. It's so super thoughtful. But this isn't a scent I would really wear."

He went back to the store with me to exchange it for the type of Chanel I wear, and he specifically wanted to be there when I picked it out so he could see which one I like and commit it to memory.

Although it sucked telling him I didn't like that scent and I felt so bad saying it, in the end I was glad I was honest because I would have felt even worse knowing that FI spent about $100 on a bottle of perfume that was just going to collect dust and never be used.

chibiyui · March 2015

lolo883 said:
There are ways of "sucking it up" and appreciating the sentiment without lying though. I can't imagine ever telling my H that something he chose for me is ugly. If asked point blank "do you like this?" I would probably say how much I loved the thought he put into it, or how much it meant to me. I wouldn't say "omg how did you know how much I love purple butterflies?!" And you can still express concerns over the ring's construction without dissing it. He'd probably figure out that it wasn't ideal and try to do something about it but I'm not gonna be like "hey honey... I hate this."

Well, I don't think anyone is actually suggesting the OP's friend to be like "Hey, this ring blows" It is possible to say something is not your style or you don't care for it tactfully.

"Hey honey, I know you put a lot of thought into this ring and I appreciate it, but it's really not something I can wear everyday. It's not my style. Could we, as a couple, maybe pick out something affordable and more my taste, and keep this for special occasions or re purpose the stones for a different piece?"

Like, yes, feelings would be a bit hurt, but I know if I bought H jewelry, or clothes, I'd rather him tell me he doesn't like something rather then have a false sense of what he actually likes (and as such, keep buying him things he doesn't like. You can accept a gift graciously and still tell someone it's not your style.

JaniV123 · March 2015

jenna8984 said:

Maggie0829 said:

And yeah it is "just a piece of jewelry" and the thought behind it should mean more then the final product. But I am someone who would hate to see a person spend a bunch of money on something that will just end up shoved in a jewelry box never to see the light of day because the person who received it didn't like it. I would much rather be told that it just isn't that persons style and get them something that they do love.

I'm with this. Our third Christmas together, DH (then FI) got me these purple, heart shaped stone drop earrings. He could tell immediately by my face that I didn't like them. I thanked him profusely for the thought, but I didn't lie. I said they were not my style, and I'd never wear them, and I'd feel terrible to have waste the money for it to sit in a box. It was hard because it the first piece of jewelry he ever bought me and I didn't want to seem ungrateful or that the thought wasn't appreciated because it certainly was. But I felt less bad telling him than I would have felt never wearing them.
I know your friend's is different because it's the engagement ring and not just any gift, so in that case I honestly don't know if I would react the same way.

I want to add to this, for my birthday a couple of years ago Fi then BF bought me clothes. He bought me 2 bathings suits that did not fit me at all, and a floral print dress that I hated, I never wear prints much less flower print. He knew from my face and then I told him I didnt like flower print but since he liked it and such I would keep it. And I have worn it several times, still don't love it, but don't hate it as much. Honesty is the best policy but agree with what the other ladies have said, first assess the quality of the ring to ensure it will not be damaged and maybe talk about other options, like wearing the wedding band or something.

It is a tough situation to be in.

What do you do if you hate the engagement ring?

Re: What do you do if you hate the engagement ring?

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