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Wedding Obsession

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Re: Wedding Obsession

  • dreamsinpinkdreamsinpink member
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    "Inspiration" not "Pinspiration". I knew before I got engaged the look I would want because I got inspiration from other events and things I had seen.

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  • luckya23luckya23 member
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    edited June 2015
    dreamsinpink said:
    "Inspiration" not "Pinspiration". I knew before I got engaged the look I would want because I got inspiration from other events and things I had seen.

    Haha, I had coworkers ask me in real life how could I plan a wedding without a pinterest??? My florist was also blown away!

    ETA: Thankfully the weddings I have been to IRL have also not set the bar too high!

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  • dreamsinpinkdreamsinpink member
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    Oh @lukya23, you would be so surprised by how many CANT do it without Pinterest. I worked in events for a while after I graduated college, mostly did corporate events, but we had a side that did weddings. SOO many times brides would come in with Pinterest ideas and would proceed to tell us how to do it. Or we would do a table scape for them to say "well I saw this one thing on Pinterest that I think I can do better" I always wanted to say, then why did you come to an event planner?! Of course... I never did..

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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
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    Hi OP-

    I just want to clarify that I don't think anyone here (correct me if I'm wrong, y'all) is against thinking about, being excited about, and even doing some "soft" planning (browsing around and getting an idea about venues, dress styles you like, whatever) for your wedding before you are engaged. Many ladies on this site aren't engaged yet (or are already married) and they just enjoy thinking and talking about weddings.

    What rubs people the wrong way is the whole concept of "engaged to be engaged" or "pre-engaged" because... well, it's just a little silly. 

    Think of it this way: my husband and I dated for five years before we got engaged. We knew after about one year that we wanted to one day get married and spend the rest of our lives together. We chose not to get engaged at that time for several reasons- we knew our families would frown upon us making that kind of decision so young, we felt it was important to be more financially independent before we took that step, and we just didn't feel the need to rush things. We knew where we were going and we were fine taking our time to get there- and in the meantime, we were just boyfriend and girlfriend, though we openly discussed with one another (and at some point along the line, our close family and friends) that we planned to get engaged one day. And we did just that- when we were actually ready to get engaged based on our own personal standards.

    So it sounds to me like you are in a similar boat and that's fine. Have fun gathering ideas for the wedding if that's what you like to do, without the pressure of making firm plans at the moment. But just hold off on anything more serious until you actually are ready to be engaged.
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  • dreamsinpinkdreamsinpink member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    Haha I use Pinterest a lot. I cook every night, and FI's first question is always "find this one on Pinterest?" But I wouldn't go to an event planner and tell them their design sucks and I can do better because I found it on Pinterest.

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  • badbnagdwaybadbnagdway member
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    It's super exciting to realize you want to spend your life with someone. I think getting an idea of venue costs is a good idea, partly because that will bring you back to reality. The wedding industry wants you to spend more money, so there is a vested interest in glorifying weddings, especially expensive ones, and making your dreams ever larger and more grandiose. Try your best not to fall for it. 

    Storytime. I have a friend who took a job in a particular city and moved there to be with her then bf with the expectation that he would soon propose. I don't know where the expectation came from, maybe it was discussed, maybe she felt it was implied. In any case, fast forward two years and they were still not engaged. I'll be honest, she went kind of fucking nuts about it all the time. I was sure they would end up breaking up, at one point she told us she asked him EVERY DAY when he was going to propose. I'm not a huge fan of him but I will say he gets points for tolerating that nonsense because that is re-fuckingdiculous. At just after that two year mark he did pop the question. But she had made herself fully miserable (and her friends too for that matter) for that whole period of time that she was "waiting". 

    I had only a very small taste of that -- maybe 5 weeks or so before my husband proposed we had a talk about getting married. It was completely clear that he was asking if I wanted to marry him. I definitely came here and was excited and was told to hold off on planning. It was a strange in between time, he had my ring custom made and gave me some updates along the way about it, so I knew it was coming. Anyway, I was excited and anxious about it, but it was also not for very long. 

    What I guess I'm getting at is -- if it's going to be a year before you are both sure you engaged, slow your roll. It will potentially put a strain on your relationship if you are always looking for signs he's about to get down on one knee. 
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  • Wegl13Wegl13 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited June 2015
    You don't need to be engaged to watch Say Yes to the Dress, pin pretty pictures on your Pinterest board, or buy a bridal magazine.
    You also don't need to be engaged to go dress shopping or cake tasting, but people will think you are fucking annoying and wasting their time if you're not.
    I suggest doing the first and having fun (and keeping a grip on reality because when a magazine claims a "budget wedding" is $35k- THEY ARE LYING TO YOU).
    I keep wanting to go on a rant of "when you get engaged you fit this certain criteria of agreeing to marry, making it public, and setting a date and putting a plan in motion" but I'm not sure if that's an Unpopular Opinion I should keep to myself. As soon as we both agreed to marry, family asked when, and our answer was "as soon as fucking possible".... So I personally don't understand the long engagements, even for budgeting reasons (if we hadn't been able to afford our wedding in the time frame we planned, I think we just would have gone with a cheaper wedding rather than a longer time to save). But this definitely falls under the category of whatever floats your boat, I just had really different feelings regarding wedding planning (I wanted to get it done as quickly and painlessly as possible).
    ETA some paragraphs because today TK doesn't like me.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    I had a similar time schedule as you. My H and I got engaged in the fall of my last year of grad school. (We were actually engaged and told people, because we are grownups.) We got married a year after graduation, so we were engaged for just under two years. For the first year, we did almost no planning, because I wanted to focus all of my time and energy on finishing school, my internship, and on getting a job lined up. The only thing we did in the first year was come up with a guest list and figure out a budget.

    After graduation, we had a whole year to plan the wedding. It was more than enough time. 

    Engaged to be engaged is something high schoolers do so they won't feel guilty for screwing each other. It's not a real thing that grown ups do. Engaged is binary. Either you're engaged or you aren't. 
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    edited June 2015
    Wegl13 said:
    You don't need to be engaged to watch Say Yes to the Dress, pin pretty pictures on your Pinterest board, or buy a bridal magazine. You also don't need to be engaged to go dress shopping or cake tasting, but people will think you are fucking annoying and wasting their time if you're not. I suggest doing the first and having fun (and keeping a grip on reality because when a magazine claims a "budget wedding" is $35k- THEY ARE LYING TO YOU). I keep wanting to go on a rant of "when you get engaged you fit this certain criteria of agreeing to marry, making it public, and setting a date and putting a plan in motion" but I'm not sure if that's an Unpopular Opinion I should keep to myself. As soon as we both agreed to marry, family asked when, and our answer was "as soon as fucking possible".... So I personally don't understand the long engagements, even for budgeting reasons (if we hadn't been able to afford our wedding in the time frame we planned, I think we just would have gone with a cheaper wedding rather than a longer time to save). But this definitely falls under the category of whatever floats your boat, I just had really different feelings regarding wedding planning (I wanted to get it done as quickly and painlessly as possible).
    I agree with this, unpopular opinion or not. I know plenty of people that knew they wanted to spend their lives together, but weren't ready to actually plan a wedding and make it official. I do think "engaged" means "actively planning a wedding" and sometimes that takes a month or two, sometimes it takes 2 more years. 
    DH first asked me about getting married after dating for 10 months. We had the "will this work? do we want the same things for sure?" talk. Then, after 14 months of dating, he popped the question with the ring. It just so happened we'd both started graduate programs so we set a date 1.5 years later, when we'd both be done. Gave us time to save money too. 

    Edit: I should say Vulgar's situation is definitely different because it's hard to plan a wedding when you legally can't have one. Boooo. But otherwise, I'd say engaged means actively planning to get married. 
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  • hellohkbhellohkb mod
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    Hi OP! Welcome!

    Stay and lurk around. Trust me, you'll learn a lot and the information you gain will be useful to you later. Looking and pinning on a secret Pinterest board is fine, IMO. I was with my fiance for 6 years before we got engaged and will be together 9 years by the time our wedding rolls around (in roughly 7 months). I definitely had a secret wedding board because I figured I'd start thinking about what I like as far as dresses, etc.

    So yeah, definitely stick around. As you can see, why won't feed you bullshit and you'll learn a lot too.


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  • lachattefatalelachattefatale member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Congrats, OP! I had about 4 months of pre-engagement limbo after we set a timeline and started ring-shopping, and that just about killed me. Good luck getting through the next year!

    I'd start with the budget and the guest list. Since you're not "real" planning yet, just make your best guess on what you and your boyfriend will be able to afford on your own--don't expect or plan on help from relatives, just accept graciously if it's offered. For the guest list, at this point you'll just want to start piling all your friends and relatives into a spreadsheet; it'll give you a ballpark maximum number which will be helpful when it's time to start really planning.

    You can probably start researching venues, since those won't change nearly as much as other venues, and you can get an idea of prices and capacities (but do expect prices to go up a bit).

    You can also start focusing your pinterest boards to be more in line with your estimated budget, and use pinterest to figure out what colors and styles you like best. I've had a wedding pinterest board basically since I started my pinterest account, but most of it was not what I really wanted (or could afford) once I started really planning. Making those distinctions with a new board can be pretty exciting.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    Many years ago, a handsome young man got down on one knee and said "Will you marry me?"  I said yes.  I thought I was engaged.
    The  next day, he said, "Let's keep it a secret until I can save up and buy you a ring. " Uh, what?
    Six months later, he bought a hugely expensive Spanish guitar, but he said he would get the ring later.  Two months later, he explained he hadn't bought the ring yet  because he had to get his car repainted.  Um....no.
    It wasn't really a surprise when he telephoned me to break up over the phone.  (Coward!)

    Was I engaged to him?  Yes.  Thank God, I didn't marry the jerk!

    OP, I think you are really engaged, and I don't understand why you are keeping it secret.  Many long engagements do work out happily, and I hope that yours will be one of these!  It is the secrecy thing that bothers me.
    Before doing any planning, go to your public library and check out a good book on Wedding Etiquette.  I like Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.  It is fun to read.  Emily Post's book is a bit too liberal for my taste.  Beware of bridal porn TV shows that are designed to make you think that you need to spend a lot of money to get married.
    Relax and enjoy your engagement.  This is a time for you to plan your future together - not just a party.
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  • FiancBFiancB member
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    I understand being excited. I knew a proposal was coming before it did and started to kind of look at wedding stuff. Honestly though, that's about as far as it should go. Stuff comes up and sometimes you're just setting yourself up for heartbreak, or you'll start to feel like it's normal to blow your life savings on a day. 

    Even when engaged, we ended up having to completely change our plans. There's just not much you can do without having a date, knowing how much money you'll have and where you'll be living, etc. That said, you're not the only not-engaged person on here, so if you find it helpful, go nuts. 

    I think some of the snippiness is partly from you being very young. I am tempted to tell you about how well it worked out for me when 22 and previously engaged, but I won't, because that's obviously pretty biased. Just keep in mind there is all the time in the world for this, and it shouldn't be just you excited about getting married, it should be you and your partner (and ideally friends, family, etc as well). And it's about getting married, not about the wedding. 

    Good luck to you. There is certainly a lot to learn about etiquette and such here. 
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  • hellohkbhellohkb mod
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    Wegl13 said:
    You don't need to be engaged to watch Say Yes to the Dress, pin pretty pictures on your Pinterest board, or buy a bridal magazine.
    You also don't need to be engaged to go dress shopping or cake tasting, but people will think you are fucking annoying and wasting their time if you're not.
    I suggest doing the first and having fun (and keeping a grip on reality because when a magazine claims a "budget wedding" is $35k- THEY ARE LYING TO YOU).
    I keep wanting to go on a rant of "when you get engaged you fit this certain criteria of agreeing to marry, making it public, and setting a date and putting a plan in motion" but I'm not sure if that's an Unpopular Opinion I should keep to myself. As soon as we both agreed to marry, family asked when, and our answer was "as soon as fucking possible".... So I personally don't understand the long engagements, even for budgeting reasons (if we hadn't been able to afford our wedding in the time frame we planned, I think we just would have gone with a cheaper wedding rather than a longer time to save). But this definitely falls under the category of whatever floats your boat, I just had really different feelings regarding wedding planning (I wanted to get it done as quickly and painlessly as possible).
    ETA some paragraphs because today TK doesn't like me.
    It's actually a pretty simple concept. . . if you don't have enough money in the bank for the wedding you want,  you have an extended engagement in order to save up for that wedding.  It also allows you to secure the venue dates and vendors you want.

    DH and I dated for 12 years prior to getting married.  We were in no hurry to get married- it's not like it wasn't going to happen.  We knew we were going to have about 150-200 guests and that we wanted to have what these boards would consider a luxury wedding.  Plus, venues and vendors in our area book 1.5-2 years out.  So we had a 2+ year engagement so we could save money and get all the venues and vendors we wanted.

    It's not like we sat around on our asses for 2 years.  We were planning and booking vendors and DIYing, etc.

    There's no statute of limitations on engagements.  If you want to get engaged and married within a year, good on ya.  If you want to take 5 years, good on ya.  A couples' engagement period is none of anyone's damn business, imo.

    QFT. So far, I have really loved having a long engagement. It has given me a chance to sit back, plan at my own pace, not stress out, and have fun with it. We get to save up a bit more money and have extras that we really want (extra desserts, photographer's top package, etc) as well, which is a nice bonus.

    There's no rush. That's fine if you want to, but that would not have worked for FH and I AT ALL. We take forever to get things done, but that's the only way for us to get it done the right way.


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  • onefootinthebayouonefootinthebayou member
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    mikenberger said:

    I am not drunk enough for this. I'll come back later.

    I am!! Last night in Nola!!!

    *end thread jack*

    OP, don't be sad. Sounds like you have a nice relationship. Lurk here, learn stuff, save up your dollars, & throw a kick ass wedding when y'all two decide to.

    Agree w/other posters, you don't need a proposal or ring to be engaged. My dad gave my mom a ring as a nice present on their 20th anniversary. She never had an engagement ring. They celebrated 47 years this year.

    One foot out!
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  • MadHops21MadHops21 member
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    GoldenPenguin said:
    watznvoltz said:
    I'm 22 years old. He's 23.  We both graduate next year.  I already have a job lined up.  And we are 100% both going to be in the same city when we graduate.  

    My boyfriend wants me to go ahead and start figuring out and do a little pre-planning and scouting. He's not that interested in participating at the moment; but, he wants me to go ahead and have a good time. He knows I'm excited.

    Thanks Luckya. :)  I love your .gif.
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    Also, I'd LOVE to know what fields you're going into that you have jobs lined up a YEAR before graduation. I work in higher education, at a pretty prestigious engineering university, and we have graduates who still don't have jobs. So, I'm interested. 
    I actually got my job while in college. I was finishing my bachelors and got a full time job at my current company. My school does "career fairs" so you can see companies that are interested in my school's students because it's a technology school. IT is vastly popular and constantly hiring, and I received an amazing pay rate for being a student. Not saying it happens all the time, but it's possible. 
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  • maryemoomaryemoo member
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    watznvoltz said:
    Its nothing prestigious.  I'm going to be doing communications work for my uncle's non profit.  So, yes, its lined up. Its not a lot of money, but its something.
    He doesn't have anything lined up.  He's going into human factors and ergonomics.

    I'm calling him my boyfriend because, as I said, I'm not comfortable with calling him my fiance until we have told people and are no longer 6 hours apart from each other. If you aren't comfortable calling him your fiance, and you haven't officially made a commitment, he is your boyfriend.
    But, we have agreed that its okay for me to start looking at what I want to do (pre-planning) since I'm so excited about it and 2 years isn't all that far away.
    I don't really see what the big deal is with the words I've chosen to use. Planning is everything. Start looking for venues/catereres/florists/photographers. Some have very weird booking policies and make you book pretty far in advance. FIRST THOUGH, find your budget. The longer you have to save and work with it the better you will be.

     I created this thread because I was excited and I wanted to share my excitement.  I wanted to  get tips and hear stories.
    I'm sorry, again, if its brushed you the wrong way.  Anyway, I'm feeling pretty lousy now. Excitement and story sharing is great! Just don't be resistant to advice from others. No one is here to make you feel badly, we are all here to help.
     So, you guys can continue if you want but I think I just going to find another way to express how excited I am.

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  • maryemoomaryemoo member
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    VulgarGirl said:
    We were engaged engaged for 8 years before we got married married.

    We killed the time by doing normal life shit and also fucking each other. We had a long engagement because life kept cropping up and then we decided to just wait until we could actually have the law recognize our marriage. DOMA got overturned and we called that good enough and started planning for real. And then less than a month before our wedding our state actually fucking legalized it and we got to get legally married in our own fucking state in it was fucking glorious.

    Hi I say fuck a lot. Don't get offended. It's just a good word.
    Well then I'm just gonna say that I fucking love you! Lol. :D
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  • nicemarmotnicemarmot member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    So... from what I read in this thread, the criteria for being engaged is:
    1) Both of you agree you're engaged and start planning a wedding
    2) This is communicated to other people and not kept to yourselves.

    My boyfriend and I already booked the venue, flights, honeymoon etc (yay, so exciting!) for next March (we're eloping to Vegas).
    He also bought the ring, which we picked together.
    We decided, also together, that we will get engaged on our 1 year anniversary next month (we've known each other for much longer, though). This is when he will formally propose.
    At that point, I will start wearing the ring, and we will tell people we are engaged.

    Although my venue is booked, I do not consider myself engaged until he formally proposes on July 25th, I start wearing the ring, and most importantly, I tell my friends and family.

    I got a lot of stick in NEY when I said that I was counting down the days to my engagement (they said that because we already booked a venue, we are already engaged, but they missed the vital "you both consider yourselves engaged"). 

    Now, according to this thread (and I tend to agree with you), I am not engaged yet, as we are not communicating this to people, and don't consider ourselves "formally" engaged. Do we agree we will get married? Yes. But then so do many couples who are not yet engaged.

    I am only saying this, because things are not always 100% black or white, as some posters up-thread imply.

    I would love to hear your opinions though. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    climbingwife said:
    I'm sorry - can someone explain this to me? What's the point of having him formally propose on a date you've selected. I don't get it. You've already booked and planned your entire wedding. 
    Yeah, I don't get that either.  I also don't get (sorry if it is anyone here) when the couple buys the ring together, like physically takes it out of the store with them, but then the one wants to surprise the other by proposing at a later date.  Um, what exactly is the point to that?  Why not just get down on one knee right then and there and slip on the ring that you bought together? Is it because you have to have that tv/movie proposal moment?

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