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Ceremony/reception time line question

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Re: Ceremony/reception time line question

  • Aschive said:
    He does. I don't. I am a terrible person and I don't want to meet his entire extended family that he hasn't talked to in the last 5 years at our wedding The guest list is still a touchy subject for us.

    So you're going to ignore them at the reception? 
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    charcoalandblushInLoveInQueensmollybarker11huskypuppy14

  • Aschive said:

    He does. I don't. I am a terrible person and I don't want to meet his entire extended family that he hasn't talked to in the last 5 years at our wedding

    The guest list is still a touchy subject for us.

    FYI, it's easier to tell whose question you're answering if you hit "quote" then reply.

    Who's paying for the wedding?

    Also, you'll need to meet (or at least make an attempt to meet & greet) anyone who is at your reception.


    Ok. I am on my phone and could not figure it out. Thanks!

    We are paying for everything, though my mom has offered to help.

    I know I will. And I am ready for that. Just don't feel like it will be that special if I don't know 3/4 of the guests. But we will be fine either way, I will survive. It is about the marriage not the wedding.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Aschive said:
    He does. I don't. I am a terrible person and I don't want to meet his entire extended family that he hasn't talked to in the last 5 years at our wedding The guest list is still a touchy subject for us.
    I think you need to work out the guest list before you even think about your timeline.

    And you said he does.  Does that mean he wants a larger ceremony while you want a smaller one?  And you said that you don't want to meet his entire extended family at your wedding, but if they are invited to the reception part you will be doing just that.  It isn't like you are going to meet anyone prior to your ceremony.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Aschive said:
    Ok, we either aren't having a bar and providing some kegs, or we will have a you know what bar. you know the other forbidden thing. I think of receptions as more of a celebration of our marriage, not a thank you for coming so I am not worried about the separation of the 2 guest lists. 2 separate invitations, and they are invited because that is what he wanted. The Chapel is kind of small, but I guess we could make it work.
    What are you even talking about?
    HeffalumpInLoveInQueens

  • Aschive said:

    He does. I don't. I am a terrible person and I don't want to meet his entire extended family that he hasn't talked to in the last 5 years at our wedding

    The guest list is still a touchy subject for us.

    To be honest, it sounds like you and he need to work out more than the timeline right now.  The fact that he won't talk to you about the wedding and you're referring to yourself as a terrible person about this is a HUGE red flag.

    I was kidding about me being a terrible person. I think I am totally fair in saying that we shouldn't invite people he hasn't spoken to in 5+ years. He will talk, but usually I want to talk to him as soon as he gets in the door, and he just wants a minute to relax and unwind.
  • Aschive said:
    Ok, we either aren't having a bar and providing some kegs, or we will have a you know what bar. you know the other forbidden thing. I think of receptions as more of a celebration of our marriage, not a thank you for coming so I am not worried about the separation of the 2 guest lists. 2 separate invitations, and they are invited because that is what he wanted. The Chapel is kind of small, but I guess we could make it work.
    No, I don't know what.
    image
    HeffalumpInLoveInQueens
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Aschive said:
    Ok, we either aren't having a bar and providing some kegs, or we will have a you know what bar. you know the other forbidden thing. I think of receptions as more of a celebration of our marriage, not a thank you for coming so I am not worried about the separation of the 2 guest lists. 2 separate invitations, and they are invited because that is what he wanted. The Chapel is kind of small, but I guess we could make it work.
    Aschive said:
    Aschive said:
    He does. I don't. I am a terrible person and I don't want to meet his entire extended family that he hasn't talked to in the last 5 years at our wedding The guest list is still a touchy subject for us.
    FYI, it's easier to tell whose question you're answering if you hit "quote" then reply.

    Who's paying for the wedding?

    Also, you'll need to meet (or at least make an attempt to meet & greet) anyone who is at your reception.
    Ok. I am on my phone and could not figure it out. Thanks! We are paying for everything, though my mom has offered to help. I know I will. And I am ready for that. Just don't feel like it will be that special if I don't know 3/4 of the guests. But we will be fine either way, I will survive. It is about the marriage not the wedding.
    Again, you and your FI need to sit down and work this out.  You're clearly bitter about inviting his family and it's not healthy to go into a marriage without figuring that out.

    Do yourself a favor and have a keg bar then!  Don't meet 3/4 of your new family by not inviting them to your ceremony and then charging them for their drinks.  That just sets a bad precedent that you have to live with for a lifetime!
    image
    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]InLoveInQueenschibiyui
  • redoryx said:


    Aschive said:

    He does. I don't. I am a terrible person and I don't want to meet his entire extended family that he hasn't talked to in the last 5 years at our wedding

    The guest list is still a touchy subject for us.


    So you're going to ignore them at the reception? 


    Did I say that? No. I said I didn't want to. Not that I wont.

  • Aschive said:

    He does. I don't. I am a terrible person and I don't want to meet his entire extended family that he hasn't talked to in the last 5 years at our wedding

    The guest list is still a touchy subject for us.

    I think you need to work out the guest list before you even think about your timeline.

    And you said he does.  Does that mean he wants a larger ceremony while you want a smaller one?  And you said that you don't want to meet his entire extended family at your wedding, but if they are invited to the reception part you will be doing just that.  It isn't like you are going to meet anyone prior to your ceremony.


    I know that. I want a small ceremony. I know that is what will happen. I never said I wont, I said I don't want to. I will if that is what he wants.
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Aschive said:
    Aschive said:
    He does. I don't. I am a terrible person and I don't want to meet his entire extended family that he hasn't talked to in the last 5 years at our wedding The guest list is still a touchy subject for us.
    To be honest, it sounds like you and he need to work out more than the timeline right now.  The fact that he won't talk to you about the wedding and you're referring to yourself as a terrible person about this is a HUGE red flag.
    I was kidding about me being a terrible person. I think I am totally fair in saying that we shouldn't invite people he hasn't spoken to in 5+ years. He will talk, but usually I want to talk to him as soon as he gets in the door, and he just wants a minute to relax and unwind.
    But how are we supposed to know you're kidding when you follow that statement with how touchy this subject is?

    The point is your FI does want to invite them, and they're his family.  Families aren't a one size fits all situation.  If they fit into your budget, and your FI wants them there, that should be what's important.  To say they're going to take away from how special the day is to you, belittles how special they may make your FI feel to have them there.  He's getting married too!

    Why are you so anti his family anyways?  Did they do something horrific for you to not want to meet them?
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    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]InLoveInQueens
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    At the ceremony you do not even talk the guests.    For me at least the guests were nothing but a blur.    I didn't know who was there and who wasn't.

    The ceremony is the least expensive of the 2 events.

    While I do not mind the smaller ceremony, larger reception thing I'm not sure in your situation it's a great idea. The ones were were invited to the ceremony was at a complete different location.  Everyone walked into the reception together.   The 2nd group of people didn't walked into a room where the others were already there.


    I agree there is more issues then a timeline.   You need to talk to your FI, but it doesn't have to be the moment he walks in the door.  Try and setup a time to discuss everything.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    kimmiinthemittenPrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueenschibiyui
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    Whether you think so or not, a reception IS a "thank you for attending the ceremony" to your guests. Being a celebration of your union is second to that.

    Cash bars are not appropriate, period. You aren't required to provide alcohol at all, but it is not appropriate to expect your guests to open their wallets at your reception, period. It is never appropriate to thank anyone by expecting them to buy their own provisions.

    It sounds like you really don't want guests at all at your wedding. I'd just not invite anyone if I were you. If you do, you need to host them properly, and that means that their needs have to take priority over your "vision" or "dream" or whatever of what you think your wedding should be.
    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueens
  • We are going to have a cash bar, we are having a smaller ceremony guest list, we are fine in our personal lives. I am not bitter about inviting his family I just think it is strange. I will smile and I am sure I will love all of them! I may have hinted it would make it less special but I did not mean it like that. I just mean it will make me more self conscious than I already will be.

  • Aschive said:


    Aschive said:

    He does. I don't. I am a terrible person and I don't want to meet his entire extended family that he hasn't talked to in the last 5 years at our wedding

    The guest list is still a touchy subject for us.

    To be honest, it sounds like you and he need to work out more than the timeline right now.  The fact that he won't talk to you about the wedding and you're referring to yourself as a terrible person about this is a HUGE red flag.
    I was kidding about me being a terrible person. I think I am totally fair in saying that we shouldn't invite people he hasn't spoken to in 5+ years. He will talk, but usually I want to talk to him as soon as he gets in the door, and he just wants a minute to relax and unwind.

    But how are we supposed to know you're kidding when you follow that statement with how touchy this subject is?

    The point is your FI does want to invite them, and they're his family.  Families aren't a one size fits all situation.  If they fit into your budget, and your FI wants them there, that should be what's important.  To say they're going to take away from how special the day is to you, belittles how special they may make your FI feel to have them there.  He's getting married too!

    Why are you so anti his family anyways?  Did they do something horrific for you to not want to meet


    Aschive said:


    Aschive said:

    He does. I don't. I am a terrible person and I don't want to meet his entire extended family that he hasn't talked to in the last 5 years at our wedding

    The guest list is still a touchy subject for us.

    To be honest, it sounds like you and he need to work out more than the timeline right now.  The fact that he won't talk to you about the wedding and you're referring to yourself as a terrible person about this is a HUGE red flag.
    I was kidding about me being a terrible person. I think I am totally fair in saying that we shouldn't invite people he hasn't spoken to in 5+ years. He will talk, but usually I want to talk to him as soon as he gets in the door, and he just wants a minute to relax and unwind.



    But how are we supposed to know you're kidding when you follow that statement with how touchy this subject is?

    The point is your FI does want to invite them, and they're his family.  Families aren't a one size fits all situation.  If they fit into your budget, and your FI wants them there, that should be what's important.  To say they're going to take away from how special the day is to you, belittles how special they may make your FI feel to have them there.  He's getting married too!

    Why are you so anti his family anyways?  Did they do something horrific for you to not want to meet them?


    It wasn't clear, I apologize for that.

    I am not against his family, I love every single one of them that I have met so far. They are on the guest list, I am ok with it. If I wasn't I would have fought harder to get them off. The only complaint I have is he always complains that neither party (him or the relatives) really make an effort to keep in contact. I just don't understand the dynamics. HIS WHOLE FAMILY THAT HE WANTED TO INVITE IS INVITED. Sorry just want to get that out there.
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Aschive said:
    Ok. I am on my phone and could not figure it out. Thanks! We are paying for everything, though my mom has offered to help. I know I will. And I am ready for that. Just don't feel like it will be that special if I don't know 3/4 of the guests. But we will be fine either way, I will survive. It is about the marriage not the wedding.
    You didn't hint, you said flat out you won't feel like it will be that special.

    And I think family dynamics vary and should be taken into consideration.  Their presence is obviously important to your FI for some reason.
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Hey OP, here's another suggestion for you. Reading more, yes, you two need to figure out your guest list before planning any other single thing about the wedding. 


    I totally get that your fiance doesn't want to talk about wedding stuff as soon as he gets home, and I totally get how a guy can fall into the "do what you want, as long as it's what I want" mentality with wedding planning. My husband did the same thing until I was able to get across to him that wedding planning just doesn't work that way. I also get having two visions, with one person wanting small and the other person wanting large.  

    So my suggestion is that you ask him what the next week or two of his life looks like, and if you can make an appointment (yes appointment) to discuss wedding planning with the express purpose of working out a guest list that works for your budget. Then he can mentally prepare for the appointment and you two can be productive. (Me, I say weddings aren't family reunions, and inviting people he hasn't seen in 5 years seems rather silly. Hopefully you two can compromise on a medium sized guest list, in my opinion, but bottom line is you have to compromise.)

    You also have to know that cash bars are a huge no-no, and gaps between ceremonies and receptions are also huge no-nos. 
    I know cash bars are a no no. I am still going to do it. Our families would be more upset of we had a dry reception, or kegs only. That is not the issue with my post. (Etiquette page I know.)

    Our guest list is ok. I am fine with it. I just think it is silly too. But oh well. You only get married once. His family has already swayed my opinion on the ceremony size, so we will see how the two different guest list sized goes. We actually have an "appointment" set up this weekend.

  • Aschive said:


    Ok. I am on my phone and could not figure it out. Thanks!

    We are paying for everything, though my mom has offered to help.

    I know I will. And I am ready for that. Just don't feel like it will be that special if I don't know 3/4 of the guests. But we will be fine either way, I will survive. It is about the marriage not the wedding.

    You didn't hint, you said flat out you won't feel like it will be that special.

    And I think family dynamics vary and should be taken into consideration.  Their presence is obviously important to your FI for some reason.


    I forgot about that! Thanks for pointing it out. I do feel that way, but I also am fine with it since it is important to him. It will be a great day either way.
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Aschive said:
    We are going to have a cash bar, we are having a smaller ceremony guest list, we are fine in our personal lives. I am not bitter about inviting his family I just think it is strange. I will smile and I am sure I will love all of them! I may have hinted it would make it less special but I did not mean it like that. I just mean it will make me more self conscious than I already will be.
    Please don't do this. 
    kimmiinthemittencharcoalandblushInLoveInQueenschibiyui

  • Aschive said:

    We are going to have a cash bar, we are having a smaller ceremony guest list, we are fine in our personal lives. I am not bitter about inviting his family I just think it is strange. I will smile and I am sure I will love all of them! I may have hinted it would make it less special but I did not mean it like that. I just mean it will make me more self conscious than I already will be.

    Please don't do this. 

    Nope. We are going to. That is not what this post is about. Since everyone is worried about this. No one in either of our family's will care. I know it is against etiquette and rude. Personally when I go to a wedding with an open bar I think that is strange (I can't even really think of 1 wedding like that.) That is how often I have had to deal with cash bars at weddings.
  • kvruns said:

    I'm starting to think MUD

    Nope. I was just asking about a timeline structure. I wasn't sure what group to post it in, so it ended up here.
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers

    Aschive said:
    Aschive said:
    We are going to have a cash bar, we are having a smaller ceremony guest list, we are fine in our personal lives. I am not bitter about inviting his family I just think it is strange. I will smile and I am sure I will love all of them! I may have hinted it would make it less special but I did not mean it like that. I just mean it will make me more self conscious than I already will be.
    Please don't do this. 
    Nope. We are going to. That is not what this post is about. Since everyone is worried about this. No one in either of our family's will care. I know it is against etiquette and rude. Personally when I go to a wedding with an open bar I think that is strange (I can't even really think of 1 wedding like that.) That is how often I have had to deal with cash bars at weddings.
    No, your guests won't tell you it's rude.  They'll totally care, especially the ones who never carry cash.  And like an hour ago, you were serving keg beer so, not sure where that idea came from or went.
    image
    PrettyGirlLostcharcoalandblushInLoveInQueenschibiyui
  • I am still confused who wanted the smaller wedding ceremony and why when the venue is the same place you are having two different guest lists?

    If you don't care about how rude you are being to your guests why did you post here? this is a spot for people that want to make sure they are following the guidelines to not be rude to guests..

    Cash Bar = rude no matter who your guests are
    dry bar or wine/beer only bar better options

    not inviting everyone to the complete wedding and straight out saying hey Great uncle SO-and-So your not good enough to come see our ceremony but please bring us a gift.. OHHH yea also buy your own drinks, because my vision is more important than you..
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  • Aschive said:


    Aschive said:

    We are going to have a cash bar, we are having a smaller ceremony guest list, we are fine in our personal lives. I am not bitter about inviting his family I just think it is strange. I will smile and I am sure I will love all of them! I may have hinted it would make it less special but I did not mean it like that. I just mean it will make me more self conscious than I already will be.

    Please don't do this. 
    Nope. We are going to. That is not what this post is about. Since everyone is worried about this. No one in either of our family's will care. I know it is against etiquette and rude. Personally when I go to a wedding with an open bar I think that is strange (I can't even really think of 1 wedding like that.) That is how often I have had to deal with cash bars at weddings.

    When you post on the Etiquette board, you're going to get advice on etiquette whether you want it or not. Trust me, people will care and they will not tell you the truth to your face. 

    I wasn't posting about a cash bar. I know I will get opinions. I don't care I am not changing my thoughts. Even as a guest at weddings not once have a I heard complaints, or even talking not at the wedding with other guests. I know people would like free drinks. Who wouldn't but we can't even afford to provide drinks for ourselves so, yeah, not really going to change my mind. I welcome all opinions though.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Aschive said:
    He does. I don't. I am a terrible person and I don't want to meet his entire extended family that he hasn't talked to in the last 5 years at our wedding The guest list is still a touchy subject for us.
    Huh?

    You don't meet anyone at the ceremony.  They arrive and sit down while you are back in another room, then you walk down the aisle and get married while they watch, then you recess out and your guests leave to go to cocktail hour.

    The reception is where you are going to meet them all. . .and you have to do this.  You will need to do table visits to personally thank each guest for coming.  It's rude not to do it.

    So if you are inviting all these people to the reception, then you are going to have to meet them. . . and so IMO you might as well invite them to the ceremony as well, which is the important part of the wedding anyways, and where you will have zero interaction with them.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    kimmiinthemittenryanandjoe4InLoveInQueens
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