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Wedding Etiquette Forum
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My dad is unable to dance with me at our wedding how do I still include him?
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Re: My dad is unable to dance with me at our wedding how do I still include him?
Assuming you're really comfortable that this is not going to hurt your dad, you say "Mom, this is what we've decided to do. The topic is no longer open for discussion." Then when she brings it up again, change the subject. If she keeps going, you end the conversation. "Mom, I've told you this is not up for discussion. It's been nice chatting, but I'm going to hang up now."
If your dad can't dance, why don't you eliminate that dance all together? You could do your first dance with H, then his dance with his mom, and then you could walk your dad out to do a toast or something instead.
Can you look on YouTube for dances with someone in a walker or wheel chair? I would look to see if there are ways that you could possibly have some moment with your dad.
IMO, if you already talked about these dances with your FIL then the cat's out of the bag but I can't say I'm crazy about what seems like using the FIL as a stand in.
They skipped the parent dances altogether and just did the bride/groom dance. Their parents were involved with the toasts.
You don't *need* to have parent dances. You can just omit the ones you don't want to have. That said, I would try to find a way to incorporate him more. The issue is that you seem like you're substituting for him so he's hugging you as you walk off to your FIL. A dance with your FIL sounds lovely. A dance with your FIL in place of your dad while he watches seems off.
Think of the most recent royal wedding. It was known throughout the land that Meghan Markle is estranged from her father. So when Prince Charles walked her down the aisle it was pretty clear that he was performing an honorary role while he father was not there and wasn't welcome. He didn't watch from the sidelines.
I think if you just danced with your FIL it's great. If you danced with him in place of the Father/Daughter dance while your dad looks on it came come across as inconsiderate or rude and those may not be your intentions. But your mom is probably not going to be convinced that some kind of substitution of your dad will make him or her feel OK.
What I'd do: dance with your FIL in a non spotlight fashion. Just dance with him because he'll be your father in law.
Why are you required to have parent dances?
Look, most guests will agree that the less spotlight dances, the better. You can dance with your FIL at any other time throughout the night; no need to make everyone sit and watch without being able to dance themselves.
Hugging your dad and then doing a spotlight father-daughter type dance with someone else WILL look like he's a substitute for your dad, whether that's your intention or not.
I really think your only options here are to just eliminate the father-daughter dance altogether and either do nothing or have your dad do a toast instead, or to find a way to dance with him in a wheelchair (it's been done and done well - youtube it).
Have you talked to your Dad about any of this? What does he say? You mention your Mom is upset, but what about him? I understand that he can’t dance with you, but would he want to give you a toast? How doesn’t he feel about you having your FIL stand in during the dance?
However, I will disagree with PPs that parent dances aren't done frequently. I haven't been to a wedding where there was dancing and parent dances weren't done. Maybe it is a "crowd" thing, but if there is a B&G dance there are parent dances at weddings I have attended. The only exception was when the FOB was deceased, the bride didn't have a stand-in for her Dad. Her H danced with his mother while the Bride watched. The wedding we attended this weekend had spotlight dances. The bride's father is deceased. Her stepfather danced with her (he has been in her life for a long time).
I like the parent dances and it sounds like you do too so I don’t think you need to skip them. Here is what I would suggest you do to fully include your dad but not put the pressure of a dance on him. First you and H do your first dance, then when H and his mom are doing their dance you can sit and hold your dad’s hand at the edge of the dance floor. Then your mom can dance with your H and you can dance with your FIL.
Given the number of dances this makes I would find short songs or shortened versions of songs for the parent dances. I know we found some songs that come in at 1min or under and they are perfect for this type of thing, if you have DJ they can help with this too.