He wants a pre-nup, I feel horrible and insulted.

preloo · February 2014

My fiance and I are both young and have modest savings but he owns his own company, and so that is a large asset. He says that he would like a pre-nup which would cover this company's earnings, but nothing after this company (so if he goes onto another company later, that wouldn't be part of it). Some investor of his recommended this, and I can't even tell you how furious I am at this busybody for trying to mess things up. I take this as a direct insult to me, a sign that he doesn't even want to marry me. Divorce is not an option for me, and he knows it- so basically, this prenup is just covering HIS ass in case he wants to leave me for some slutty young secretary years down the road. Men leave women for no reason all the time, and I worry about it a lot since my parents are divorced, so this makes me VERY upset and hurt. I want divorce to be HARD so he can't run out on me easily, and there he goes, making divorce a super-fun easy route with this sh*tty prenup. I don't want to sign it, but more than that, I'm extremely hurt and I feel betrayed. To me this is a sign he doesn't even want to get married. I'm not materialistic and I've never shown that tendency in our 5+ years together. All I want is a marriage that is stable and secure and I feel like a prenup takes that away from me.

grumbledore · February 2014

preloo said:

My fiance and I are both young and have modest savings but he owns his own company, and so that is a large asset. He says that he would like a pre-nup which would cover this company's earnings, but nothing after this company (so if he goes onto another company later, that wouldn't be part of it). Some investor of his recommended this, and I can't even tell you how furious I am at this busybody for trying to mess things up. I take this as a direct insult to me, a sign that he doesn't even want to marry me. Divorce is not an option for me, and he knows it- so basically, this prenup is just covering HIS ass in case he wants to leave me for some slutty young secretary years down the road. Men leave women for no reason all the time, and I worry about it a lot since my parents are divorced, so this makes me VERY upset and hurt. I want divorce to be HARD so he can't run out on me easily, and there he goes, making divorce a super-fun easy route with this sh*tty prenup. I don't want to sign it, but more than that, I'm extremely hurt and I feel betrayed. To me this is a sign he doesn't even want to get married. I'm not materialistic and I've never shown that tendency in our 5+ years together. All I want is a marriage that is stable and secure and I feel like a prenup takes that away from me.

Two words: premarital counseling.

preloo · February 2014

@grumbledore

That's a cost I'm not sure we can afford...that's another thing I don't like about the prenup- the legal fees! It just seems like a total headache.

grumbledore · February 2014

A few more words: A prenup does nothing to your marriage. This is just exposing feelings you already have. Don't get married until it's sorted out.

Artemischief · February 2014

Wow. While I agree that the investor should have never said anything, I think your FI has EVERY right to ask for a prenup. It doesn't mean he ever pictures life without you or loves you any less. I am getting a prenup and my FI understands that I don't love him any less. I just want to protect my assets and he wants to protect his. I am aware that I probably won't change your mind, and that is fine, but please read this http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/exclusive/why-every-woman-should-get-a-prenup It might give you some more information.

rajahmd · February 2014

@grumbledore is wise.

Clearly there are issues that you and your FI need to discuss. It's not about the prenup per se, it's about how the two of you are interpreting it. You both need to tell the other one what getting a prenup means to you so that you can figure out a compromise.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

preloo said:

My fiance and I are both young and have modest savings but he owns his own company, and so that is a large asset. He says that he would like a pre-nup which would cover this company's earnings, but nothing after this company (so if he goes onto another company later, that wouldn't be part of it). Some investor of his recommended this, and I can't even tell you how furious I am at this busybody for trying to mess things up. I take this as a direct insult to me, a sign that he doesn't even want to marry me. Divorce is not an option for me, and he knows it- so basically, this prenup is just covering HIS ass in case he wants to leave me for some slutty young secretary years down the road. Men leave women for no reason all the time, and I worry about it a lot since my parents are divorced, so this makes me VERY upset and hurt. I want divorce to be HARD so he can't run out on me easily, and there he goes, making divorce a super-fun easy route with this sh*tty prenup. I don't want to sign it, but more than that, I'm extremely hurt and I feel betrayed. To me this is a sign he doesn't even want to get married. I'm not materialistic and I've never shown that tendency in our 5+ years together. All I want is a marriage that is stable and secure and I feel like a prenup takes that away from me.

I can't tell you how many businesses I've seen destroyed as a result of divorce. If you were to divorce, you could force him to sell or completely disassemble his business. Good for his business investor for recognizing that and suggesting that your FI look into the issue. You should have your own attorney look over the agreement and add in terms needed to protect you in the case of divorce.

Everyone gets married thinking divorce is not an option. No one thinks they are going to get divorced. The fact is, you might. You're better to consider that the horrible could happen than to stick your head in the sand and pretend that you'll never have to make that terrible decision. "Divorce is not an option" is simply niave.

If you think your FI would leave you for no reason or that a pre-nup would enable him to sleep with his secretary, you shouldn't marry him.

audubonbride2013 · February 2014

preloo said:

@grumbledore

That's a cost I'm not sure we can afford...that's another thing I don't like about the prenup- the legal fees! It just seems like a total headache.

I agree with @grumbledore. If you're this hurt by a prenup, you may want to talk this out in counselling. Premarital counselling doesn't have to cost a lot (or anything). If either of you are religious you could probably start counselling there.

grumbledore · February 2014

preloo said:

@grumbledore

That's a cost I'm not sure we can afford...that's another thing I don't like about the prenup- the legal fees! It just seems like a total headache.

This is just my personal opinion, but I think it's a good idea for all couples. Also, if you go to a church, it might be free (I know it is at ours). Even if there is a cost associated, imo, it's worth it, especially where it sounds like there are some issues.

antoto · February 2014

If I were you, OP, I would wait until I calmed down and then tell him, CALMLY, your feelings and fears. See what he says. This needs to be a long, serious, calm conversation.

rajahmd · February 2014

MyNameIsNot said:

preloo said:

My fiance and I are both young and have modest savings but he owns his own company, and so that is a large asset. He says that he would like a pre-nup which would cover this company's earnings, but nothing after this company (so if he goes onto another company later, that wouldn't be part of it). Some investor of his recommended this, and I can't even tell you how furious I am at this busybody for trying to mess things up. I take this as a direct insult to me, a sign that he doesn't even want to marry me. Divorce is not an option for me, and he knows it- so basically, this prenup is just covering HIS ass in case he wants to leave me for some slutty young secretary years down the road. Men leave women for no reason all the time, and I worry about it a lot since my parents are divorced, so this makes me VERY upset and hurt. I want divorce to be HARD so he can't run out on me easily, and there he goes, making divorce a super-fun easy route with this sh*tty prenup. I don't want to sign it, but more than that, I'm extremely hurt and I feel betrayed. To me this is a sign he doesn't even want to get married. I'm not materialistic and I've never shown that tendency in our 5+ years together. All I want is a marriage that is stable and secure and I feel like a prenup takes that away from me.
I can't tell you how many businesses I've seen destroyed as a result of divorce. If you were to divorce, you could force him to sell or completely disassemble his business. Good for his business investor for recognizing that and suggesting that your FI look into the issue. You should have your own attorney look over the agreement and add in terms needed to protect you in the case of divorce.

Everyone gets married thinking divorce is not an option. No one thinks they are going to get divorced. The fact is, you might. You're better to consider that the horrible could happen than to stick your head in the sand and pretend that you'll never have to make that terrible decision. "Divorce is not an option" is simply niave.

If you think your FI would leave you for no reason or that a pre-nup would enable him to sleep with his secretary, you shouldn't marry him.

This. Very much this. If a piece of paper takes away any trust you have in your FI to be faithful to you, there's something wrong.

preloo · February 2014

I think all men have it in them to cheat and be mindless and leave women for no reason. I think my fiance is a wonderful man but I think if a supermodel wanted ANY man to leave his wife, he'd do it. Just being realistic.

rajahmd · February 2014

preloo said:

I think all men have it in them to cheat and be mindless and leave women for no reason. I think my fiance is a wonderful man but I think if a supermodel wanted ANY man to leave his wife, he'd do it. Just being realistic.

Umm, no. That's bullshit. My husband would be quite offended if you said this to his face. Way to generalize and degrade an entire gender.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

preloo said:

I think all men have it in them to cheat and be mindless and leave women for no reason. I think my fiance is a wonderful man but I think if a supermodel wanted ANY man to leave his wife, he'd do it. Just being realistic.

If you think that, you don't trust your FI enough to marry him.

preloo · February 2014

I just used to live in NYC and honestly the stuff I saw wealthy men do made me really sick. I want to think my fiance isn't like that, but I also didn't think all my friends' dads were like that.

jdluvr06 · February 2014

I think you should go to Pre-marital counseling. It sounds like you need it.

hikebikebemerry · February 2014

I feel that it's concerning to see signing a pre-nup as an easy way for him to get out of marriage. Pre-nups do no such thing, it's just about protecting his business. You're reading WAAAY too far into this.

Also, if the fact that your parents are divorced is still bringing up issues, you might want to consider private therapy, in addition to couples therapy. (That is not meant to be mean, I just know that when I was younger and my parents split, therapy helped me get over it so that it doesn't hurt my current relationships.)

preloo · February 2014

Well I'm marrying a guy who could do a lot better than me. It's realistic to think that another woman could steal him down the road when I'm less physically attractive. My parents are divorced so maybe this is just my childhood talking but I want security and I feel like a prenup takes that away.

mbross3 · February 2014

First of all you should calm down and not sign anything before having a lawyer look at it. Seriously.

There is nothing wrong with a pre-nup and it doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed to failure. If your FI has a company, he has to think about the future of that company and any employees, investments, etc. If you are completely and wholly unconnected to that company, you shouldn't care if he takes it off the table in a future (and hopefully non-existent) divorce. If you are connected with the company in ANY way financially, you need to have your lawyer look over the pre-nup.

Take this opportunity to think about any assets you might have and want to protect.

I agree with PP. Pre-marital counseling sounds like it would help.

preloo · February 2014

hikebikebemerry said:

I feel that it's concerning to see signing a pre-nup as an easy way for him to get out of marriage. Pre-nups do no such thing, it's just about protecting his business. You're reading WAAAY too far into this.

Also, if the fact that your parents are divorced is still bringing up issues, you might want to consider private therapy, in addition to couples therapy. (That is not meant to be mean, I just know that when I was younger and my parents split, therapy helped me get over it so that it doesn't hurt my current relationships.)

I don't think it's mean

the truth is we just can't afford it. The only reason we're having a wedding instead of eloping is because my parents are paying and even then it's small.

KatWAG · February 2014

preloo said:

My fiance and I are both young and have modest savings but he owns his own company, and so that is a large asset. He says that he would like a pre-nup which would cover this company's earnings, but nothing after this company (so if he goes onto another company later, that wouldn't be part of it). Some investor of his recommended this, and I can't even tell you how furious I am at this busybody for trying to mess things up. I take this as a direct insult to me, a sign that he doesn't even want to marry me. Divorce is not an option for me, and he knows it- so basically, this prenup is just covering HIS ass in case he wants to leave me for some slutty young secretary years down the road. Men leave women for no reason all the time, and I worry about it a lot since my parents are divorced, so this makes me VERY upset and hurt. I want divorce to be HARD so he can't run out on me easily, and there he goes, making divorce a super-fun easy route with this sh*tty prenup. I don't want to sign it, but more than that, I'm extremely hurt and I feel betrayed. To me this is a sign he doesn't even want to get married. I'm not materialistic and I've never shown that tendency in our 5+ years together. All I want is a marriage that is stable and secure and I feel like a prenup takes that away from me.

I am sorry but there are so many red flags here. It sounds like you are very insecure in your relationship. Pre-nups arent an insult. They are like insurance, simply being prepared for the worst. If you think there is a chance your fi will "leave you for no reason at all." Run, dont walk, to couples therapy.

And saying "divorce is not an option" is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. You are saying under no circumstances would you get divorced, and I think that is naive thinking. If your H cheated on you and gave you an STD, you wouldn't consider it? What if he abused you? Or abused your children? What if he raped you? You can honestly say, you would consider divorce?

kmmssg · February 2014

preloo said:

I think all men have it in them to cheat and be mindless and leave women for no reason. I think my fiance is a wonderful man but I think if a supermodel wanted ANY man to leave his wife, he'd do it. Just being realistic.

OK - you need to step back from any wedding planning altogether. If you really think that every single man has it in them to cheat and be mindless and leave women for no reason, you need to not be getting married.

BTW - there are women who will do the same. There are SOME people (both genders) who would walk down that road but do NOT generalize that EVERY man would do this because you are wrong. I really find that line of thinking quite offensive.

rajahmd · February 2014

preloo said:

Well I'm marrying a guy who could do a lot better than me. It's realistic to think that another woman could steal him down the road when I'm less physically attractive. My parents are divorced so maybe this is just my childhood talking but I want security and I feel like a prenup takes that away.

Do you really think the only thing your FI cares about is your looks? Good grief. You really need couseling, for your self-esteem issues and trust problems.

I can understand having hangups because of your parents divorce (been there, done that), but this sounds like more than that.

grumbledore · February 2014

preloo said:

I think all men have it in them to cheat and be mindless and leave women for no reason. I think my fiance is a wonderful man but I think if a supermodel wanted ANY man to leave his wife, he'd do it. Just being realistic.

I think this means you need to talk to someone, a professional, about this before getting married. I don't think that my FH would leave me for another woman. I've never thought it for a moment. I trust him with my life, nevermind my heart.

preloo · February 2014

KatWAG said:

preloo said:

My fiance and I are both young and have modest savings but he owns his own company, and so that is a large asset. He says that he would like a pre-nup which would cover this company's earnings, but nothing after this company (so if he goes onto another company later, that wouldn't be part of it). Some investor of his recommended this, and I can't even tell you how furious I am at this busybody for trying to mess things up. I take this as a direct insult to me, a sign that he doesn't even want to marry me. Divorce is not an option for me, and he knows it- so basically, this prenup is just covering HIS ass in case he wants to leave me for some slutty young secretary years down the road. Men leave women for no reason all the time, and I worry about it a lot since my parents are divorced, so this makes me VERY upset and hurt. I want divorce to be HARD so he can't run out on me easily, and there he goes, making divorce a super-fun easy route with this sh*tty prenup. I don't want to sign it, but more than that, I'm extremely hurt and I feel betrayed. To me this is a sign he doesn't even want to get married. I'm not materialistic and I've never shown that tendency in our 5+ years together. All I want is a marriage that is stable and secure and I feel like a prenup takes that away from me.

I am sorry but there are so many red flags here. It sounds like you are very insecure in your relationship. Pre-nups arent an insult. They are like insurance, simply being prepared for the worst. If you think there is a chance your fi will "leave you for no reason at all." Run, dont walk, to couples therapy.

And saying "divorce is not an option" is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. You are saying under no circumstances would you get divorced, and I think that is naive thinking. If your H cheated on you and gave you an STD, you wouldn't consider it? What if he abused you? Or abused your children? What if he raped you? You can honestly say, you would consider divorce?

I guess divorce is an option for me in those scenarios (although if he gave me an incurable STD I'd probably stay with him out of necessity) but the pre-nup would only protect him, not me, since he's the wealthier party. So even from a logical standpoint, I don't see why I'd be on board with it.

KatWAG · February 2014

hikebikebemerry said:

I feel that it's concerning to see signing a pre-nup as an easy way for him to get out of marriage. Pre-nups do no such thing, it's just about protecting his business. You're reading WAAAY too far into this.

Also, if the fact that your parents are divorced is still bringing up issues, you might want to consider private therapy, in addition to couples therapy. (That is not meant to be mean, I just know that when I was younger and my parents split, therapy helped me get over it so that it doesn't hurt my current relationships.)
I don't think it's mean the truth is we just can't afford it. The only reason we're having a wedding instead of eloping is because my parents are paying and even then it's small.

Well, it is time to re- work your budget. Because there are few things more important than mental health.

CrazyCatLady3 · February 2014

preloo said:

I just used to live in NYC and honestly the stuff I saw wealthy men do made me really sick. I want to think my fiance isn't like that, but I also didn't think all my friends' dads were like that.

My FI and I live in NYC and I *know* he is not like this. I really truly believe that. Either your FI has acted in a way (prior to the whole pre-nup issue) to make you not trust him, or you simply don't trust him because of your own issues. So you need to either ask yourself if you really want to marry this man or you need to go to therapy to work on your own issues.

As far as the pre-nup, I'm not sure how it works but you may be able to put something in there that if the divorce is your fault, you don't get anything, but if the divorce is as a result of his infidelity, you are still entitled to something.

preloo · February 2014

mbross3 said:

First of all you should calm down and not sign anything before having a lawyer look at it. Seriously.

There is nothing wrong with a pre-nup and it doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed to failure. If your FI has a company, he has to think about the future of that company and any employees, investments, etc. If you are completely and wholly unconnected to that company, you shouldn't care if he takes it off the table in a future (and hopefully non-existent) divorce. If you are connected with the company in ANY way financially, you need to have your lawyer look over the pre-nup.

Take this opportunity to think about any assets you might have and want to protect.

I agree with PP. Pre-marital counseling sounds like it would help.

Nope, I'm not connected to the company outside of doing occasional unpaid secretarial work for him. But yeah, not really connected.

Even though I know people are insulting my mental state here (not you) I am getting good advice...I hadn't thought about the ways divorce can mess with a business and I understand him wanting to protect that. It just seems crazy because he knows he would have to do something heinous for me to leave!

lyndausvi · February 2014

I'm not sure about this post. Something is off.

Regardless, I think @MyNameisNot and @grumbledore are right on with their advice.

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

preloo said:

I think all men have it in them to cheat and be mindless and leave women for no reason. I think my fiance is a wonderful man but I think if a supermodel wanted ANY man to leave his wife, he'd do it. Just being realistic.

I resent this comment as my FI is nothing like this "typical man" you are describing!

- My advice is seek professional help. Seek if for yourself privately, and seek it with your FI. It sounds that you have some deep rooted trust issues that will only hurt your relationship. I know it isn't cheap but it is worth it many times over! I promise you, it is the BEST invesitment you can make during your lifetime!

Right now I see too many issues that need to be discussed and handled in a mature fashion before you are ready to commit to marriage. I know divorce is hard on people, and it is something that scares me too...but you can't just hope it will be fine. Relationships take work, not just from him but from you too. So please take care of your mental health and sort out your past feelings.

rajahmd · February 2014

preloo said:

KatWAG said:

preloo said:

My fiance and I are both young and have modest savings but he owns his own company, and so that is a large asset. He says that he would like a pre-nup which would cover this company's earnings, but nothing after this company (so if he goes onto another company later, that wouldn't be part of it). Some investor of his recommended this, and I can't even tell you how furious I am at this busybody for trying to mess things up. I take this as a direct insult to me, a sign that he doesn't even want to marry me. Divorce is not an option for me, and he knows it- so basically, this prenup is just covering HIS ass in case he wants to leave me for some slutty young secretary years down the road. Men leave women for no reason all the time, and I worry about it a lot since my parents are divorced, so this makes me VERY upset and hurt. I want divorce to be HARD so he can't run out on me easily, and there he goes, making divorce a super-fun easy route with this sh*tty prenup. I don't want to sign it, but more than that, I'm extremely hurt and I feel betrayed. To me this is a sign he doesn't even want to get married. I'm not materialistic and I've never shown that tendency in our 5+ years together. All I want is a marriage that is stable and secure and I feel like a prenup takes that away from me.

I am sorry but there are so many red flags here. It sounds like you are very insecure in your relationship. Pre-nups arent an insult. They are like insurance, simply being prepared for the worst. If you think there is a chance your fi will "leave you for no reason at all." Run, dont walk, to couples therapy.

And saying "divorce is not an option" is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. You are saying under no circumstances would you get divorced, and I think that is naive thinking. If your H cheated on you and gave you an STD, you wouldn't consider it? What if he abused you? Or abused your children? What if he raped you? You can honestly say, you would consider divorce?
I guess divorce is an option for me in those scenarios (although if he gave me an incurable STD I'd probably stay with him out of necessity) but the pre-nup would only protect him, not me, since he's the wealthier party. So even from a logical standpoint, I don't see why I'd be on board with it.

Seriously? You would stay with him if he gave you a lethal disease like HIV? Why the hell would you do that?

Get thee to therapy, ASAP. For your own sake, and the sake of your future marriage.

He wants a pre-nup, I feel horrible and insulted.

Re: He wants a pre-nup, I feel horrible and insulted.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards