Wedding Etiquette Forum

What are your etiquette deal breakers?

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Re: What are your etiquette deal breakers?

  • WOW!! Reading through all of these comments you all sound so entitled! UGH! The biggest turnoff is an ungrateful guest. I'd rather not have them there. 

    I have been to about 12 weddings in the last couple of years and I can safely say that some of them have checked off these items we scoff at so disdainfully. 

    So your SO of not that long wasn't added--- think about HOW DIFFICULT a decision that was for the bride and groom to make. How much they REALLY wanted you there but couldn't afford that extra plate.

    So you are not a part of the "A-list" -- think about HOW MUCH EFFORT went into deciding who would even be there. B-list doesn't mean that you weren't wanted there-- otherwise you WOULD NOT have been invited. 

    So there is a limited bar or a cash bar --- difficult to swallow, I know, but think about how, maybe, the couple did this so that you WOULD be able to bring your plus one.

    Let's try enjoying the moment when we are at a wedding. Things will go wrong and above anyone else, it will likely be the bride who is freaking out. So let's do her a favor and wipe the ungrateful off our faces and tell her how excited you are to have been invited.

    *mic drop*
    Nailed it.

    In this scenario, "nailed it" means wtf.

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  • thanks - new (uh, sorry it seems some of you don't like newbies..) and didn't see A) how long this thread was B) the search bar.
    Thanks for editing :)
    a.

     

  • It seems like way too many people get bothered or easily agitated too quickly these days. Being a bride I hope my guests don't have as much angst against some things that we decide to do!
  • ashkash01 said:

    thanks - new (uh, sorry it seems some of you don't like newbies..) and didn't see A) how long this thread was B) the search bar.
    Thanks for editing :)
    a.

     


    Well that simply isn't true. Everyone was really nice to me when I was new.
  • cmb08cmb08 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper

    ckel24 said:
    In @claire0802's defense, some caterers/venues do need numbers that early. My venue is all inclusive and needs the final head count 30 days before my wedding. So my invites need to go out pretty early as well.
    It's extremely rare and unreasonable for a caterer to demand final numbers 30 days out.  You can't even buy food that early.

    I negotiated later final dates with all of my vendors just to be safe, but if I recall correctly, my caterer asked for final numbers one week out, as did my rental company.

    30 days is nuts.  NEGOTIATE lurkers.
    Is it really THAT nuts though? If the typical timeframe is 2-3 weeks out, she's only 9 additional days past the recommended "max." If you don't know whether you can make a trip to Alaska a month out, you probably won't be making it...that's not really a "drop of a hat" kind of trip. 

    Anyway, she's got a few days to wait for the mail to catch up when people drop their RSVP in the mail at the 30 day mark, and the recommended week to call any non-responders, and then she's right on schedule with the norm. I think she's got time to negotiate that hard deadline with her venue still (and @claire0802 - I would, because of the two issues above) without changing her invitations. This is not a panic-worthy issue.
    IMO, if she knew her wedding was going to be a huge trip for people, she should have been thoughtful and sent a save the date.  I don't really care about her RSVP date, but she should have negotiated with her vendor.
    Couple of things... 1. My caterer needs an ESTIMATE 4 weeks before the wedding. Not an exact count. From what others have told me, it's not that crazy, especially in a kind of remote area. So my RSVP date is 4 weeks ahead. 2. I didn't send save the dates because like I think I said before, it's a small wedding and everyone who's coming knows about it - sending save the dates at this point would be kind of redundant. Just wanted to clear up confusion there... I agree that if it was a huge wedding and I had tons of people to notify, I would have sent save the dates. People will actually be getting their invitations about 2 and a half months before the wedding, which is only a couple weeks more than the 6-8 week thing. Again, since it's such a big trip for people, I'd rather err on the side of giving them too much time than not enough.
  • thenewmrsqthenewmrsq member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2014
  • What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • rmkuffel said:
    I'm not really sure why so many people think that honeymoon registries are deal breakers. If the couple does everything else correctly (not including the registry info in the invitation, not have it listed on their main wedding page, etc), how is it really that much different than a "traditional" registry? You still have the option to give whatever gift you want (or not to give one at all, if you so choose), the couple is just trying to give you more options. I mean, let's be honest here, how many people ended up with a set of 32 glasses that they will never use, much less store?! 

    Granted, I'm a little biased, as I'm getting married in August, and my fiance and I decided to make two "traditional" registries (Sears and BBB), and a Honeyfund registry. We both already have our own households, and don't really need most of the items on the traditional "must have" list. I've already got a dyson vaccuum, artwork, china, etc (some from my grandmother, who passed away a year ago). 

    Would one of you ladies who find honeymoon registries offensive mind explaining to me why, and how you think its any different than asking for a china set, or silver, or w/e?  I get that we'll probably never agree on the topic, I'm just really dying to know why. And, for those who commented that its a "cash grab" ... Isn't that all a registry is anyway? A way to express to your guests some items that you are interested in having for your home? If you've already got the things that you want in your home, what are you supposed to do?

    Thanks!
    Two reasons:

    1) Honeymoon registries are essentially "cash only" registries.  It's considered impolite to ask for cash as a gift.  That the couple has indicated that they plan to spend it on an expensive vacation for themselves doesn't make it different than just asking people to deposit cash into their bank accounts or give them checks. 

    2) Those honeymoon registry sponsors take a cut of the donations before passing them on to the couple.  No one wants to give their money to the sponsors.
  • claire0820  No one trying to give you a hard time - do whatever you have to based on the decisions you've already made.  But for the benefit of lurkers who have not already entered into contracts they can't change, it's valuable for them to know that they can negotiate these kinds of contractual components.  I changed ALL of my dates in my contracts because I wanted a 2-week out RSVP date and vendors wanted more time than that.  RSVPs 4-6 weeks out is going to mean more last-minute changes/declines in most scenarios, which is going to cost the host couple money.  Better to negotiate early than pay extra at the end.

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  • MagicInk said:
    So I've been thinking about this "weddings are expensive and give them a break!!" bullshit argument. FI and I are paying for our wedding. When we started planning we had the "where to spend what money" conversation and realized it worked best if we thought of our wedding as big kick ass party. So, what makes a party kick ass? Well, good food, good music, and good booze. Easy enough, so the majority of our budget went there. 

    We made our guest list 10 different times. No seriously, 10 times. Should we invite Joe? Well he's with Sue so we'll have to invite her as well. Oh, we don't like Sue, ok no Joe. But wait, Joe is a really good friend. Maybe we can just put up with Sue for the night? And on and on for each and every guest until we had the damn thing locked down. We're still six months out and have some wiggle room on it, but I'm saying it's done in less someone gets married to someone they aren't currently with. Or gets divorced from. Oh god, no one get divorced. Please. We got our parents' lists and then made cuts with them. No dad, we aren't inviting your golf buddy Pete who you think might be married and maybe his last name is Smith, you don't know him that well. Yes mom your best friend Kate can come and can bring her boyfriend but her adult out of state children I don't know aren't invited. That's right, we as grown ups, stood up to our parents. Who had raised us to be grown ups who stood up for themselves, so it luckily went very well.

    So far we're having an open bar, a ton of food, and everyone gets to bring their SO (and singles get a plus one). We aren't going into debt to do so. I'm wearing a dress I love, even if it's not designer (I mean someone designed it, someone who wasn't me) and so far....very little stress. 

    Just just sit down with the person you're about to marry and act like fucking grown ups and make some fucking decisions. Learn to fucking budget appropriately. Getting married is officially saying "I'm a grown up" so fucking act like it! Children have parties that are all about them. Not grown ups.
    You nailed it, for reals!

    If you look at any number of sources- TK itself, Martha Stewart, most wedding planning books at B&N, they will state that 50%-65% of your total budget for the wedding should be allocated for the reception

    That's the majority of your budget.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited April 2014
    rmkuffel said:
    I'm not really sure why so many people think that honeymoon registries are deal breakers. If the couple does everything else correctly (not including the registry info in the invitation, not have it listed on their main wedding page, etc), how is it really that much different than a "traditional" registry? You still have the option to give whatever gift you want (or not to give one at all, if you so choose), the couple is just trying to give you more options. I mean, let's be honest here, how many people ended up with a set of 32 glasses that they will never use, much less store?! 

    Granted, I'm a little biased, as I'm getting married in August, and my fiance and I decided to make two "traditional" registries (Sears and BBB), and a Honeyfund registry. We both already have our own households, and don't really need most of the items on the traditional "must have" list. I've already got a dyson vaccuum, artwork, china, etc (some from my grandmother, who passed away a year ago). 

    Would one of you ladies who find honeymoon registries offensive mind explaining to me why, and how you think its any different than asking for a china set, or silver, or w/e?  I get that we'll probably never agree on the topic, I'm just really dying to know why. And, for those who commented that its a "cash grab" ... Isn't that all a registry is anyway? A way to express to your guests some items that you are interested in having for your home? If you've already got the things that you want in your home, what are you supposed to do?

    Thanks!
    There are tons of threads on this if you search, but here are a few of the reasons why I hate them.

    1.  They are deceptive.  Your guests think they are buying you dinner on the beach, but you're really just getting a check (sometimes less a fee) for the "price" of the dinner which you may or may not go on.

    2.  They insult your guests' intelligence.  Honeymoon registries are just asking for cash.  Everyone knows cash is a great gift.  You telling your guests that you want cash assumes they are too stupid to already know this.  Unlike sheets, cash comes in one color.  I don't need the assistance of a registry to help me give it.

    3.  They waste money.  This is just stupid.  As a frugal person, this drives me insane.  Why are you asking guests to write you a check to a website who will then cut you a check for slightly less money?

    4.  They are pointless.  If I want to buy you something for your honeymoon, I can do so without your assistance.  I can write a check, I can buy you plane tickets or pay for your a hotel room. Plane tickets have been a family favorite wedding gift for us for more than 30 years, well before honeymoon registries were a thing.

    5.  They result in unusable gifts.  If I buy you something off your registry, I know you are getting the full gift.  If I give you a check, I know that you can use that money how you wish.  If I "buy" something from your honeymoon registry (say, swimming with dolphins), but you didn't budget properly and can't afford the plane tickets or the hotel room, now you can't go on your honeymoon and my gift can't be used.

    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • rmkuffel said:
    I'm not really sure why so many people think that honeymoon registries are deal breakers. If the couple does everything else correctly (not including the registry info in the invitation, not have it listed on their main wedding page, etc), how is it really that much different than a "traditional" registry? You still have the option to give whatever gift you want (or not to give one at all, if you so choose), the couple is just trying to give you more options. I mean, let's be honest here, how many people ended up with a set of 32 glasses that they will never use, much less store?! 

    Granted, I'm a little biased, as I'm getting married in August, and my fiance and I decided to make two "traditional" registries (Sears and BBB), and a Honeyfund registry. We both already have our own households, and don't really need most of the items on the traditional "must have" list. I've already got a dyson vaccuum, artwork, china, etc (some from my grandmother, who passed away a year ago). 

    Would one of you ladies who find honeymoon registries offensive mind explaining to me why, and how you think its any different than asking for a china set, or silver, or w/e?  I get that we'll probably never agree on the topic, I'm just really dying to know why. And, for those who commented that its a "cash grab" ... Isn't that all a registry is anyway? A way to express to your guests some items that you are interested in having for your home? If you've already got the things that you want in your home, what are you supposed to do?

    Thanks!

    Even though this has been explained 500,000 times before, I will explain it again.

    A honeymoon registry is basically you asking for cash.  See how a HM registry works is you pick and choose excursions or dinner dates or whatever you want to do on your HM then your guests buys those things THINKING that they are actually purchasing you that item.  When in reality what is happening is the website charges a fee (typically 7% of the cost of the item) which either you can make your guests pay or you can have taken off the total gift that was given.  So in the end your guest has to pay more then they really wanted to or you end up getting less then what the guest really wanted to give you.  After this lovely fee, the website then cuts you a check for the item.  No reservation for a snorkeling adventure or dinner by the ocean is ever made.  All you get is a check, which you easily could have gotten from your guest in the first place.  Finally, HM registries are deceptive because your guests are under the impression that they just bought you a fabulous couples massage but they really didn't.

    The point of a traditional registry is to provide your guests with insight into what you like and don't like for your home.  And when the guest buys off of it you actually end up with the gift you registered for, not just a check.

    If a guest really wants to buy you an excursion of a dinner for your HM they can certainly ask you where you are going and where you are staying and then call up the resort themselves.

    If you really don't need anything then just don't register.  It really is that simple.

  • rmkuffel said:
    I'm not really sure why so many people think that honeymoon registries are deal breakers. If the couple does everything else correctly (not including the registry info in the invitation, not have it listed on their main wedding page, etc), how is it really that much different than a "traditional" registry? You still have the option to give whatever gift you want (or not to give one at all, if you so choose), the couple is just trying to give you more options. I mean, let's be honest here, how many people ended up with a set of 32 glasses that they will never use, much less store?! 

    Granted, I'm a little biased, as I'm getting married in August, and my fiance and I decided to make two "traditional" registries (Sears and BBB), and a Honeyfund registry. We both already have our own households, and don't really need most of the items on the traditional "must have" list. I've already got a dyson vaccuum, artwork, china, etc (some from my grandmother, who passed away a year ago). 

    Would one of you ladies who find honeymoon registries offensive mind explaining to me why, and how you think its any different than asking for a china set, or silver, or w/e?  I get that we'll probably never agree on the topic, I'm just really dying to know why. And, for those who commented that its a "cash grab" ... Isn't that all a registry is anyway? A way to express to your guests some items that you are interested in having for your home? If you've already got the things that you want in your home, what are you supposed to do?

    Thanks!
    Honeyfunds are offensive because they are essentially the Bride and Groom asking for cash outright.  Asking for cash, or any gift, is tacky and rude because no one should presume to receive a gift.  It's even more tacky to ask for cash because everyone knows that they have the option to give you cash.

    Honeyfunds are a cash grab because you do not receive a voucher for Swimming with the Dolphins, you receive a check aka cash.  And on top of that many of the companies that run these Honeyfunds charge your guests a fee on their transaction, so if I was giving you $100 towards Swimming with the Dolphins you would actually get a check from Honeyfun for $90 or so.

    Registries are not the same.  They are a serving suggestion.  Registries let guests know what your preferences are for items to set up your home, if anyone cares to give you a gift.

    If you already have an established home and you don't want anything, then you simply do not register.  People will figure out that you don't want anything, and they will give you cash if they care to.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • I am glad that I learned about the fees that HM Funds charge.  That does bother me because I'd rather just give cash if that's the case.

    I will admit to doing a Restaurant Registry, which I realize is against etiquette, but you actually did get a Gift Card to the restaurant that you chose in the full amount.  No fees and not just cash.  

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  • Can someone please explain why everyone is so offended by honeymoon registries? Some of us don't have a lot of money to spend, and if it's OK to set up a gift registry with gifts you'd like to receive, why is it bad to list options to sponsor parts of honeymoons? I bought a zip-line canopy tour from my friend's honeymoon registry and the awesome pics of her and the groom zip-lining and smiling I received were much more personal and satisfying that a note saying "thanks for the blender" would've been.

    Not trying to be argumentative, I just don't understand why so many responses list a honeymoon registry as a deal-breaker...
  • Okay, so I would like to say that I love Dollar Dances. I might be crazy, but some of the cutest things have happened in them during my experiences. I have danced with my brother and my cousins and we make a huge joke out of it. I even paid once with Monopoly money. It might just be me or my family, but they are awesome. 
    Secondly, the food is a big deal and cash bars are super annoying. But I hate being invited then sat in the worst possible seat like the random table or the singles table when I have been with my guy for four years now. Like I know people at every table, but this one. Really? 
  • @ediehelena, just read up page 23. Many good explanations of why honeymoon registeries are a bad idea have been provided.
  • I have never even heard of a wedding without a gap between the wedding and reception. When are people suppose to take pictures?!

    I just grab a drink with friends attending the wedding or run home and freshen up. No big thing!

  • Can someone please explain why everyone is so offended by honeymoon registries? Some of us don't have a lot of money to spend, and if it's OK to set up a gift registry with gifts you'd like to receive, why is it bad to list options to sponsor parts of honeymoons? I bought a zip-line canopy tour from my friend's honeymoon registry and the awesome pics of her and the groom zip-lining and smiling I received were much more personal and satisfying that a note saying "thanks for the blender" would've been.

    Not trying to be argumentative, I just don't understand why so many responses list a honeymoon registry as a deal-breaker...
    There were literally five posts answering this exact question on this exact page. Not to mention the countless others in the this thread alone. I'm just saying, reading is your friend.
  • Okay, so I would like to say that I love Dollar Dances. I might be crazy, but some of the cutest things have happened in them during my experiences. I have danced with my brother and my cousins and we make a huge joke out of it. I even paid once with Monopoly money. It might just be me or my family, but they are awesome. 
    Secondly, the food is a big deal and cash bars are super annoying. But I hate being invited then sat in the worst possible seat like the random table or the singles table when I have been with my guy for four years now. Like I know people at every table, but this one. Really? 
    So are you telling me that you couldn't have just danced with them even without the dollar dance?

    If I go to a wedding and want a dance with the bride or groom I should be able to just ask for a dance.  I shouldn't have to pay money to dance with them.

  • Can someone please explain why everyone is so offended by honeymoon registries? Some of us don't have a lot of money to spend, and if it's OK to set up a gift registry with gifts you'd like to receive, why is it bad to list options to sponsor parts of honeymoons? I bought a zip-line canopy tour from my friend's honeymoon registry and the awesome pics of her and the groom zip-lining and smiling I received were much more personal and satisfying that a note saying "thanks for the blender" would've been.

    Not trying to be argumentative, I just don't understand why so many responses list a honeymoon registry as a deal-breaker...
    did you fucking read the four posts before yours?

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  • I have never even heard of a wedding without a gap between the wedding and reception. When are people suppose to take pictures?!

    I just grab a drink with friends attending the wedding or run home and freshen up. No big thing!

    About 90% of the weddings I attend have gaps too. I personally don't mind them, but I realize they are against proper hosting etiquette. 

    You take pictures during cocktail hour before the reception; that's what cocktail hours were designed to do - fill the gap. 
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