Wedding Reception Forum

The dreaded "gap"

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Re: The dreaded "gap"

  • I'm really amazed at how many people think that this is such a major issue. If I had friends who would be so upset about having a "gap" between ceremony and reception that it would cause them major distress then I probably wouldn't invite them. If there are people who are that dramatic over something so small then they honestly care more about the food and party than sharing this special day with you. I can't even think of one family member/friend that would feel impositioned by this. In response to several of the people commenting:

    1. Yes they are adults which also means they can put their big kid pants on and entertain themselves for an hour or so.
    2. You are not acting like a 7 year old if you plan your wedding according to what you and your spouse want. It is your wedding afterall. If your family/friends really care about you, they will understand.
    3. Discuss options with your hotel for earlier check in times and go from there. It is up to your guests to check in before or after.
    4. Changing your venue because your guests will be upset with you means your guests are selfish people who lack patience or compassion.
    5. You are not an animal without etiquette, standards, compassion for your guests if they have to hang out for bit.

    It is stuff like this that makes weddings more stressful than they need to be. Loosen up, have fun, enjoy your day. Quit thinking about what everyone else wants and enjoy this time with your soon to be husband/wife.
    [Deleted User]
  • Here's another book of etiquette saying the same thing, although acknowledging, that nowadays it's okay: 
  • Anyone want to TLDR this shit for me?

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  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Friday night. Saturday before Mass. Saturday after Mass. Sunday afternoon.

    Also, what's the big deal if your guests leave while it's still light out? Why is that a problem? Does the fact that you might not get to monopolise your guests' WHOLE ENTIRE SUMMER SATURDAY bother you that much?

    Otherwise, I agree with you (expect that a gap is a great deal more than a party foul.)
    I'm having a Saturday evening wedding this summer. It ends at 9 because our venue is public space with private homes behind it - we have to be out by a certain time to allow the caterer a certain amount of time to clean up so they won't violate the noise ordinance. Our plan for after the wedding? We're making it known that we'll be hanging out in the hotel bar for a little while before hitting some of the other bars in the area (it's a college town, all the bars are on one street).

    We didn't invite children so a few of our friends had already asked us if the wedding was going to end really late so they could arrange proper childcare. When we said that things would wind down at a reasonable hour, the ones who are not staying the night at the hotel were grateful they wouldn't need a sitter to stay too late. The ones who are coming out with us afterwards, they were arranging overnight childcare anyway.
    ~*~*~*~*~

  • Oh wait. I can guess. Gaps are for suckers. Just say no.

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    PrettyGirlLostKaurisbuddysmom80cupcait927
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:

    First of all, comparing graduation to a wedding is apples and oranges. You're not hosting the graduation itself so it doesn't matter when you throw the graduation party. So let go of that comparison.

    Second, the reception is to RECEIVE your guests that just attended your ceremony. The bride and groom are saying thank you to their guests for witnessing the ceremony with food, drink, etc. Yes, the bride and groom can decide how to decorate, what food and drink to serve but they need to keep in mind that they are THANKING their loved ones for supporting them on their wedding day. Why is this concept so hard to understand?!


    Why is the graduation apples and oranges? Just like at a Catholic ceremony where you may not have control over what time the ceremony begins, you don't have control over what time the graduation ceremony starts, according to all of you, you always have control over what time the party starts, so why should a gap after a graduation be okay before the party but not for a wedding?? Either gaps between ceremonies and parties are ALWAYS rude and inexcusable and unforgivable or there are valid reasons that may lead to a gap between ceremony and party and consideration from guests as much from hosts is warranted.

    The bolded is always the case.  There are no "valid reasons that may lead to a gap between ceremony and party" regardless of the occasion.
    Well Jen, you ought to tell me your secret of cloning that allows people to be in multiple places at once, you know, simultaneously at a ceremony and preparing for a party and taking pictures all at the same time. It's really an incredible feat.
    Magicians usually never reveal their secrets, but I'll share: 


    be responsible and budget correctly.
    I'm shrekspeare's double.  ;-)
    [Deleted User]
  • I have never been invited to a wedding with a 3-4 hour gap.  If I was, I would choose either the ceremony OR the reception to go to - if it was OOT, I'd decline.  Sorry, but my time is more valuable to me than the bride's or groom's "special day to do whatever they want". 
    image


    PrettyGirlLostchibiyuigrumbledoreSKPM
  • crackktheskyycrackktheskyy Stars Hollow member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I'm really amazed at how many people think that this is such a major issue. If I had friends who would be so upset about having a "gap" between ceremony and reception that it would cause them major distress then I probably wouldn't invite them. If there are people who are that dramatic over something so small then they honestly care more about the food and party than sharing this special day with you. I can't even think of one family member/friend that would feel impositioned by this. In response to several of the people commenting: 1. Yes they are adults which also means they can put their big kid pants on and entertain themselves for an hour or so. 2. You are not acting like a 7 year old if you plan your wedding according to what you and your spouse want. It is your wedding afterall. If your family/friends really care about you, they will understand. 3. Discuss options with your hotel for earlier check in times and go from there. It is up to your guests to check in before or after. 4. Changing your venue because your guests will be upset with you means your guests are selfish people who lack patience or compassion. 5. You are not an animal without etiquette, standards, compassion for your guests if they have to hang out for bit. It is stuff like this that makes weddings more stressful than they need to be. Loosen up, have fun, enjoy your day. Quit thinking about what everyone else wants and enjoy this time with your soon to be husband/wife.
    You probably do have friends that are bothered by this. They are likely just too polite to say anything.

    There are plenty of ways that you can plan the wedding that you want that doesn't involve poorly hosting your guests. I have plenty of family and friends that I care about. Caring about these friends an family has nothing to do with poorly hosting them and having a gap. You should reciprocally care enough about these friends and family to show concern for their comfort and enjoyment. 

    image
  • xtlxtl member
    First Comment
    Oh, now I see, you put it how you need it!

    You don't care about any f***ing wedding - you say? But you start complaining if someone did not copy the same guideline on how to plan a party your way?

    MADE MY DAY!
  • cupcait927cupcait927 Western NY wine country member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer


    xtlmobile said:
    Oh, now I see, you put it how you need it!

    You don't care about any f***ing wedding - you say? But you start complaining if someone did not copy the same guideline on how to plan a party your way?

    MADE MY DAY!
    What the actual fuck are you trying to say?
    PrettyGirlLostsarawifenow
  • WOW! Some of these replies are ridiculous and just plain rude. Who are you people? Yikes...

    It's your wedding day. I don't know about you but the people coming to our wedding are friends and family who love us. A gap between the two events shouldn't be a big deal at all. Especially one that is taking your guests' needs into consideration. It's a celebration with free dinner and cake for goodness sake - no need to be uppity about it.

    You know your guest list, I'd go with what suits your situation. If you were my friend, I would be thankful for a bit of a break to check-in and get settled before enjoying a nice dinner and a great party with you and your new husband. I can't imagine anyone who truly cares about you and who deserves to be a part of your big day would feel otherwise.
    NosterAmorInvictusmkmudd22copenhafer9[Deleted User]
  • I guess I'm just generally more easy going than most. This whole "snowflake" business..what the hell is up with that? I'm so confused. It seems like all the people who say it's OK to have a gap just want to have a fun/happy day and believe their guests will just enjoy being a part of it. I'd thoroughly enjoy any friend's wedding because it is always a day to relax, drink, talk, dance, and having downtime in between doesn't mean the bride/groom don't care about my happiness. They are doing what is needed to make their day perfect for them. I completely get that. Of course I'm generally a happy person...which apparently is selfish.
    sydalish[Deleted User]
  • I'm really amazed at how many people think that this is such a major issue. If I had friends who would be so upset about having a "gap" between ceremony and reception that it would cause them major distress then I probably wouldn't invite them. If there are people who are that dramatic over something so small then they honestly care more about the food and party than sharing this special day with you. I can't even think of one family member/friend that would feel impositioned by this. In response to several of the people commenting: 1. Yes they are adults which also means they can put their big kid pants on and entertain themselves for an hour or so. 2. You are not acting like a 7 year old if you plan your wedding according to what you and your spouse want. It is your wedding afterall. If your family/friends really care about you, they will understand. 3. Discuss options with your hotel for earlier check in times and go from there. It is up to your guests to check in before or after. 4. Changing your venue because your guests will be upset with you means your guests are selfish people who lack patience or compassion. 5. You are not an animal without etiquette, standards, compassion for your guests if they have to hang out for bit. It is stuff like this that makes weddings more stressful than they need to be. Loosen up, have fun, enjoy your day. Quit thinking about what everyone else wants and enjoy this time with your soon to be husband/wife.
    You are missing the entire point.

    It has nothing to do with food or drinking or partying, and everything to do with you respecting my time.

    If I'm sitting around for hours on end waiting for you and your damn reception to start, then I'm not really sharing a special day with you, am I?  Because you aren't around!  All I am doing is killing time because you are taking way to many pictures or because you wante an evening reception.

    I love my family and friends but under no circumstances would I be understanding about a multi hour gap.

    This. It is really about respecting other peoples time. I could care less about food or drinks. Most of the time I don't eat at weddings anyway. I sure as hell will be pissed if the couple show how disrespectful they are in regards to the time their guest are taking out of their lives to attend your wedding. Time is valuable and asking people to waste it is not only rude, but immature.
    PrettyGirlLostcrunchymamaof2
  • Hey Courtney,  I have a very similar timeline as you. Church ceremony at 2:30pm - 3:00pm, hotel check in at 4pm. (So obviously this is bias.) 

    I read a first couple answers because I too was wondering if my timeline is "rude". And I can't believe how adamant people are that it needs to be avoided, even if that meant changing venue or ceremony times. If having a wedding with a gap means that I am selfish and a 7 year old, well damn, I guess I am. 

    It sounds like you have already thought about this and are trying to figure out a solution that supports a ceremony that is important and be considerate to your guests. 

    I think its important that if you decide to have a "gap" that you communicate that clearly on your website, program, or hotel check in goodies bag. I am sure that you are working with a limited time frame at the hotel for the reception and the earlier you start the cocktail hour the earlier you have to end it. You have a reception and hotel that your guests do not have to drive to and from, that is very thoughtful. 

    I would suggest starting the cocktail hour at 4:00pm. There is no point in starting cocktail hour at 3:30, if the drive is 20mins, people wont even get there until 3:50pm. Venues are expensive don't waste a minute of it. And trust me, people always hang out at the church afterwards. 

    And also think about what happens if the hotel takes a long time to check people in. Then those guests could miss cocktail hour entirely, and couldn't that also be considered "rude".  So with that in mind, 4:30pm sound fine too.  

    Either way, weddings are a pain to plan and expensive. Make the decision that maximize the time you are able to spend with your guests. They spent money and time to see you and celebrate with you. I can't image anyone getting upset about a 30min gap. 
    sydalish[Deleted User]
  • Wow. I can't believe the audacity of some people. Really? You couldn't understand waiting so your friend/family member could get extra pictures with her new husband? You couldn't understand waiting for an evening reception? Why? Why is it so hard just be happy that you aren't at work, that you get to eat great food, and spend some quality time with friends/family? You could do any number of enjoyable things in the meantime. You don't have to sit in a corner and sulk like a scolded toddler.
    Plan better. 

    I like work. I like my work a lot better than I like most social functions, mostly because my work IS social functions, only I get to plan them, and then they're AWESOME. And properly hosted.

    Doubtful. Brides who are rude enough to host gaps are also likely to be rude enough to have bad food.

    DH doesn't see his family (his choice), and I'd rather spend time with my friend when I'm not all dressed up and waiting around on someone who thinks she's the mother-fucking Queen of England.

    Yes, like take my gift and go home. In fact, that's a BRILLIANT idea.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    jdluvr06PrettyGirlLost
  • Gaps typically exist when the ceremony and reception sites are not in the same place. This leaves room for guests to travel from one location to another. Other reasons may be culturally-influenced (e.g., photos have to be taken after the ceremony instead of before; religious ceremony has to start and end at a specific time; a tea ceremony has to happen between the mass and the reception; etc. etc.). In the case of courtneyandjohn2014, they are opting to do a Catholic ceremony (which I can relate to 100%) and their ceremony time is bound by the rules of their chosen church. If their guests are notified in the invitation regarding the start time of their ceremony and the start time of their reception, I don't think that the couple should be condemned for the timeline that they created and conveyed to their guests IN ADVANCE. Rudeness is when no one in the guest list is aware of what is happening during the wedding day and when no one practices punctuality. All of us past, present, and future brides know that no wedding timeline is perfect and that we cannot please everybody. The best we can do is to keep our guests abreast of what the day will look like so they can plan accordingly while also ensuring that they are not left starving, parched, or bored should the couple need to leave a gap between the ceremony and the reception. For the etiquette sticklers out there, here's Emily Post's two cents on the "dreaded gap": http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/522-from-here-to-there-getting-to-the-reception
    sydalish
  • One more from Miss Manners herself: http://books.google.com/books?id=O2O-pf-AqWUC&lpg=PP1&dq=rude gap between wedding ceremony and reception&pg=PA283#v=onepage&q=leave&f=false


    You know what I'm not finding in those etiquette books, much discussion of all gaps of any length for any reason being rude. Hmm...I think it's your turn to find some back up for your argument.
  • sydalish said:

    WOW! Some of these replies are ridiculous and just plain rude. Who are you people? Yikes...


    It's your wedding day. I don't know about you but the people coming to our wedding are friends and family who love us. A gap between the two events shouldn't be a big deal at all. Especially one that is taking your guests' needs into consideration. It's a celebration with free dinner and cake for goodness sake - no need to be uppity about it.

    You know your guest list, I'd go with what suits your situation. If you were my friend, I would be thankful for a bit of a break to check-in and get settled before enjoying a nice dinner and a great party with you and your new husband. I can't imagine anyone who truly cares about you and who deserves to be a part of your big day would feel otherwise.

    What she said. Totally agree. So glad I don't know of anyone that I'm inviting to my wedding that would passed at me for...well...anything on my wedding day.
    mkmudd22sydalish[Deleted User]
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Wow. I can't believe the audacity of some people. Really? You couldn't understand waiting so your friend/family member could get extra pictures with her new husband? You couldn't understand waiting for an evening reception? Why? Why is it so hard just be happy that you aren't at work, that you get to eat great food, and spend some quality time with friends/family? You could do any number of enjoyable things in the meantime. You don't have to sit in a corner and sulk like a scolded toddler.
    The point of cocktail hour is for the couple to take their pictures.  If you need more time or need to go to 15 different off site locations, then hire your photog for another day and do a TTD/Rock the Dress session.  That doesn't waste anyone's time.

    Why do I need to wait for an evening reception?  What's the big fucking deal with evening receptions?  As a guest, I don't care when your reception is, really I don't.  They are all fun to me.

    The point is that it's not fun to be waiting around doing nothing for hours on end.  It doesn't matter that I am not at work, if I am waiting around doing nothing, then I'm not doing anything, am I?  I'm not eating great food, or spending quality time with anyone- I'm waiting around doing nothing!

    There are many, many other things I could do with my free time than waiting around doing nothing, killing time just to attend a reception.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    chibiyuiNYCMercedes
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    One more from Miss Manners herself: http://books.google.com/books?id=O2O-pf-AqWUC&lpg=PP1&dq=rude gap between wedding ceremony and reception&pg=PA283#v=onepage&q=leave&f=false


    You know what I'm not finding in those etiquette books, much discussion of all gaps of any length for any reason being rude. Hmm...I think it's your turn to find some back up for your argument.
    I'm not sure if Miss Manner's has ever written on the topic, I think she has, but I'm gonna start with common freaking sense, then point to the numerous people in this thread explaining why they are rude, then refer you to the Worst Wedding thread on the Etiquette forum where one of the repeated items in "worst" weddings has been gaps.  And the people participating in that thread are from all over the US, Canada, and beyond in some cases.

    If that isn't enough to convince you that gaps are rude, then I don't know what is.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Holy shit. You people are insane. Truly overly dramatic. I have news for you. The only "Queen of England", "snowflake", "bitches" commenting are the ones that are sooooooo put out by being asked to wait. I wouldn't want your damn wedding gift or your shitty attitude at my wedding anyway. Holy hell. I am utterly amazed that so many of you think we are the ones being rude when you so clearly do not understand how to be understanding, compassionate, or happy in general it seems. My time is precious, sure, but so is the union of two happy people in love. Grow up and get over yourselves.
    sydalishcopenhafer9[Deleted User]
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