FI and money -vent-

bwy

So FI is going to be our main bread winner and I will stay home with our children, and do handmade projects and sell them to bring in extra fun money. Well whenever I get extra fun money so far, he and I have been getting into arguments on what I 'can' and 'can't' spend it on. I play an online game and there's extra stuff you can buy for USD, and I don't have a bank account because it's mostly just cash that I get, and so I can't buy things online and have to use his account and give him the cash, but FI doesn't think I should be spending my money on it and so he won't let me, and it's just infuriating to me. It's not like I'm asking him to pay for it, I just need to use his account and give him the money. I know it's stupid but I just don't like it when he controls my money. He got mad when I bought a coffee at starbucks the other day, even though I hadn't had one in months. It hurts my feelings.  We can agree on almost everything except money. 

lyndausvi

why don't you have your own account or even a joint account?

sarawifenow

Why can't you open your own bank account for your spending money?

sarawifenow

@lyndausvi--You beat me to the punch!

bwy

Because I usually only get $20 or so at a time, and it's not very often, since I haven't had the time to take it to Etsy yet. 

lyndausvi

so in order to buy say groceries you have to use your "dh's" account?

sarawifenow

bc+rw16 said:

Because I usually only get $20 or so at a time, and it's not very often, since I haven't had the time to take it to Etsy yet. 

That shouldn't matter. Find a bank that doesn't have a minimum requirement for a checking account.

bwy

scribe95 said:

Uh - big red lights here. BIG. Just because he's the primary bread winner doesn't make him the sole arbiter of what can be bought. Especially for small things like you are saying. 

First, you should get your own bank account or get added to FI's. Second, you should have a discussion about an amount that you can spend on your own without discussion. In my house it's $100. If I near that I run it by the husband just to double check. 

And I buy stuff on kitchen scramble occasionally. I limit it to once a month, like $5. 

The thing I play it's like 15$ for six months, so it's not even a huge cost. FI thinks it's stupid, so he says he doesn't trust me to not spend it on my game or on starbucks. 

sarawifenow

bc+rw16 said:

scribe95 said:

Uh - big red lights here. BIG. Just because he's the primary bread winner doesn't make him the sole arbiter of what can be bought. Especially for small things like you are saying. 

First, you should get your own bank account or get added to FI's. Second, you should have a discussion about an amount that you can spend on your own without discussion. In my house it's $100. If I near that I run it by the husband just to double check. 

And I buy stuff on kitchen scramble occasionally. I limit it to once a month, like $5. 

The thing I play it's like 15$ for six months, so it's not even a huge cost. FI thinks it's stupid, so he says he doesn't trust me to not spend it on my game or on starbucks. 

He is not your parent. He is your partner. It is time for a come to Jesus talk IMO.

bwy

lyndausvi said:

so in order to buy say groceries you have to use your "dh's" account?

We both live at home right now

smalfrie19

Wow.. your FI sounds REALLY controlling. I need to think out more words for you. It would be a HUGE deal breaker if someone controlled me getting a drink at starbucks..Nobody gets between me and my chai tea latte.....

erinlin25

That would drive me crazy.  You guys need to be able to communicate a budget that allocates an appropriate amount of fun money that you can do whatever you would like with (same goes for him).  He should not have to control every aspect of your finances, especially when it comes to "fun money."

My husband and I have a joint account for all of our home purchases (rent, utilities, groceries, etc) and a side savings we contribute to.  Then we each have individual accounts that we can do what we please with.  As long as we make our house and saving commitments, the "fun money" allocated for that month is exactly that--for fun, no questions asked.  We own a business so we do not have a salary per say-- our pay can vary from week to week, so we first make sure we have paid into our joint and savings and then what is left over is for ourselves.  I have a little side job I pick up here and there and that money is usually just for me.  If H does a side job for someone that money is for him.   

larrygaga

Go back to work and send the spawn to daycare if you don't like him controlling how you spend his money. 

If he wants you to stay home but won't let you spend money, then you have a problem. Right now it just sounds fair to me.

EDIT: Don't yell at me I can't read.

steph861

I'd have a big problem with that as well. You're not a child, and you don't deserve to be treated like one. He doesn't get to decide what you spend your 'fun' money on. 

I would seriously consider getting a bank account. So many purchases are made online these days. Not to mention that as an artisan, being able to sell your items on sites like etsy can be a huge benefit. You can't do those things without at least a bank account, to say nothing of a credit card.

I'm assuming you don't have a credit card. That could be problematic for you down the road. Without good credit, you can't make a lot of large purchases. And you can't build up a good credit record without a credit card. What if something terrible happened and you found yourself being the sole breadwinner? 

ashley8918

larrygaga said: Go back to work and send the spawn to daycare if you don't like him controlling how you spend his money. 


_____________________________________________________________________ It sounds to me like the OP is talking about him controlling what she can and can't spend HER money (the little bit that she earns on the side) on. 

ETA: Fuck you, boxes!

steph861

bc+rw16 said:

Because I usually only get $20 or so at a time, and it's not very often, since I haven't had the time to take it to Etsy yet. 

And you won't be able to take it to Etsy without some kind of account.

bwy

ashley8918 said:

larrygaga said:

Go back to work and send the spawn to daycare if you don't like him controlling how you spend his money. 

___________________________________________________________________

It sounds to me like the OP is talking about him controlling what she can and can't spend HER money (the little bit that she earns on the side) on. 

ETA: Fuck you, boxes!

-----

Yes, I'm talking about the little bit of money that I earn myself, that's what he's trying to control. I don't say anything about the money he earns. 

larrygaga

OH. 

Then yes, darling, you have a big problem. I don't think just getting a separate bank account will stop him from being controlling, do you?

Inkdancer

larrygaga said:

Go back to work and send the spawn to daycare if you don't like him controlling how you spend his money. 

If he wants you to stay home but won't let you spend money, then you have a problem. Right now it just sounds fair to me.

The difference is that this is her money, that she's earned on the side. If it's hers to spend for fun, she gets to decide what's fun for her.

holyguacamole79

See that, OP?  It's a red flag.  You and FI need to have a SERIOUS talk about how you will manage finances together. 

steph861

larrygaga said:

OH. 

Then yes, darling, you have a big problem. I don't think just getting a separate bank account will stop him from being controlling, do you?

I completely agree, and that's part of why I think OP needs to get a bank account now. If his controlling nature doesn't improve (and I'd be seriously worried that it won't), OP's going to need to manage all of her finances by herself.

bwy

steph11814 said:

larrygaga said:

OH. 

Then yes, darling, you have a big problem. I don't think just getting a separate bank account will stop him from being controlling, do you?

I completely agree, and that's part of why I think OP needs to get a bank account now. If his controlling nature doesn't improve (and I'd be seriously worried that it won't), OP's going to need to manage all of her finances by herself.

He's not controlling about everything to do with money, it's only things he doesn't like. 

mschristie123

I would agree with PPs. The fact that he is controlling of your money is a huge red flag, and could potentially lead to more severe controlling/manipulating behavior in the future. I see on your ticker that your wedding is pretty close. Are you in premarital counseling? I urge to you get on that immediately and talk through your financial (and relationship issues) with a professional. This really cannot wait. You can't enter into a marriage without a clear financial plan for both now and the future.

Junebug2015

What I worry about is "we can agree on almost everything except money."

Marriage is a partnership. One of the biggest legal consequences of that partnership is that your assets are combined with FI's assets. Money is a HUGE part of marriage, and one of the main reasons that many couples get divorced. You should have a say, especially if it is money you are earning on the side, even if you are not the main breadwinner. You need to talk to your FI and figure out an amount that is yours to spend at your discretion because your situation is going to get old really fast if you can't even buy a $3 coffee without clearing it by him first.

hellosweetie1015

bc+rw16 said:

steph11814 said:

larrygaga said:

OH. 

Then yes, darling, you have a big problem. I don't think just getting a separate bank account will stop him from being controlling, do you?

I completely agree, and that's part of why I think OP needs to get a bank account now. If his controlling nature doesn't improve (and I'd be seriously worried that it won't), OP's going to need to manage all of her finances by herself.

He's not controlling about everything to do with money, it's only things he doesn't like. 

Yeah... this. This is my issue. I don't necessarily like FI spending $15/month on an MMO. He probably doesn't like the amount of money I drop on books or coffee. But it is our money to do with as we so please. We are able to do it. 

Maybe he is resenting the fact that all of your money is "fun" money, but still. He doesn't get to say how you spend your money that you earned. If he wants you to be a stay at home mom and is okay taking up the bills on his own, and you earn a little on the side for "fun" things, then he doesn't get to say how you spend that money.

holyguacamole79

bc+rw16 said:

steph11814 said:

larrygaga said:

OH. 

Then yes, darling, you have a big problem. I don't think just getting a separate bank account will stop him from being controlling, do you?

I completely agree, and that's part of why I think OP needs to get a bank account now. If his controlling nature doesn't improve (and I'd be seriously worried that it won't), OP's going to need to manage all of her finances by herself.

He's not controlling about everything to do with money, it's only things he doesn't like. 

larrygaga

bc+rw16 said:

steph11814 said:

larrygaga said:

OH. 

Then yes, darling, you have a big problem. I don't think just getting a separate bank account will stop him from being controlling, do you?

I completely agree, and that's part of why I think OP needs to get a bank account now. If his controlling nature doesn't improve (and I'd be seriously worried that it won't), OP's going to need to manage all of her finances by herself.

He's not controlling about everything to do with money, it's only things he doesn't like. 

That's controlling everything to do with money.

jdluvr06

bc+rw16 said:

steph11814 said:

larrygaga said:

OH. 

Then yes, darling, you have a big problem. I don't think just getting a separate bank account will stop him from being controlling, do you?

I completely agree, and that's part of why I think OP needs to get a bank account now. If his controlling nature doesn't improve (and I'd be seriously worried that it won't), OP's going to need to manage all of her finances by herself.

He's not controlling about everything to do with money, it's only things he doesn't like. 

Only things he doesn't like? No that isn't controlling at all.

Seriously though I think you two need to have a come to Jesus talk and you should be getting your own bak account,.

slothiegal

bc+rw16 said:

steph11814 said:

larrygaga said:

OH. 

Then yes, darling, you have a big problem. I don't think just getting a separate bank account will stop him from being controlling, do you?

I completely agree, and that's part of why I think OP needs to get a bank account now. If his controlling nature doesn't improve (and I'd be seriously worried that it won't), OP's going to need to manage all of her finances by herself.

He's not controlling about everything to do with money, it's only things he doesn't like. 

SIB

Yikes.

My ex didn't always emotionally manipulate or hit me.  It was only when I did things he "didn't like".  Different situation, same red flag.

ETA boxes grr.

STARMOON44

Wait- so right now you have no money except what you make crafting and you live at home (with your parents?) and you're relying on your FI's account to make any online purchases? Do you even have children together that you are taking care of? Grow up, get a job, open a bank account and figure out how to be an independent adult before you get married. Sure, he's treating you like a child. And you are acting like one.

steph861

bc+rw16 said:

steph11814 said:

larrygaga said:

OH. 

Then yes, darling, you have a big problem. I don't think just getting a separate bank account will stop him from being controlling, do you?

I completely agree, and that's part of why I think OP needs to get a bank account now. If his controlling nature doesn't improve (and I'd be seriously worried that it won't), OP's going to need to manage all of her finances by herself.

He's not controlling about everything to do with money, it's only things he doesn't like. 

That doesn't make it any better. It's your disposable income, full stop. He doesn't get a say.