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FI and money -vent-

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Re: FI and money -vent-

  • sarahuflsarahufl member
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    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    My stomach just flipped when I thought about marrying any of the guys I dated when I was 19. One in particular is the lamest motherfucker in all the land.

    jkhsdbfkjsbfgkjhbgkjhbfdg I could've stuck myself with that. GROSS.
    Giiiiirl. Remind me tomorrow to show you a picture of the dude I was dating at 19. He had a guitar. AND A PONY TAIL.
    My 19 year old boyfriend did LOTS of drugs, didn't cut his hair and wasn't remotely reliable. Soooo happy I moved on from that....
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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    Another two cents...

    When I was with the guy I was with at 19 (we ended up dating 6 years total) I begged him to get an education so he could have something to fall back on if he was ever injured in his dream job.  

    Fast forward to now.  We've been broken up for two years.  I just found out he was in an accident.  He will never be able to work in his dream career.  He has no back up option. I am so glad I don't have to deal with any of that.  

    These are real situations you have to think about as an adult.  


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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    So I left this thread when it had 6 responses. (DH took me to dinner, so sweet)

    Now it has 122+. Anyone want give me cliff notes? Nothing has been reported and other mods are here, so I'm assuming nothing TOS has occurred.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    lyndausvi said:
    So I left this thread when it had 6 responses. (DH took me to dinner, so sweet)

    Now it has 122+. Anyone want give me cliff notes? Nothing has been reported and other mods are here, so I'm assuming nothing TOS has occurred.
    Lots of good advice from everyone and a few additional red flags from OP. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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  • ashley8918ashley8918 member
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    lyndausvi said:
    So I left this thread when it had 6 responses. (DH took me to dinner, so sweet)

    Now it has 122+. Anyone want give me cliff notes? Nothing has been reported and other mods are here, so I'm assuming nothing TOS has occurred.
    Nope. Nothing crazy has gone down.

    Basically, the OP revealed that she is only 19 and doesn't actually have any kids. She just KNOWS that she will be a SAHM someday, so she is starting now. And she is getting married because her FI is heading to basic training and she cant. live. without. him.

    Lots of WHOAAAAAAAA GURL ensued.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    lyndausvi said:
    So I left this thread when it had 6 responses. (DH took me to dinner, so sweet)

    Now it has 122+. Anyone want give me cliff notes? Nothing has been reported and other mods are here, so I'm assuming nothing TOS has occurred.
    OP is 19 and lives with her parents.  Her FI is 20 and is about to join the Army.  They have been together for 10 months.  I think that's mostly it.  




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  • BreMRBreMR member
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    Everyone has covered everything I would have said.  

    I mostly must emphasize how important it is to have a fall back job for being a stay at home mom.  You do realize your children will grow up and you will be maybe 30 (if you have kids soon) and all your kids will be in school... what will you do?    

    My situation is nothing like yours, I didn't get out of high school and decide to be a mom first. I got a job that paid me really well for 19 and stuck with it and avoided college. Well I got laid off last year when I was 27 and I spent 7 months trying my hardest to find a job...IT TOOK ME 7 MONTHS!  With years and years of experience but most places wanted a degree. I realized more than ever I needed a degree. Thankfully, I'm 3 years into my bachelor's degree and I am so thankful I will have more options when I'm done.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    I have nothing against SAHM. My mom has been one for 45 years and her kids have been gone for a long while (youngest son has a child a year older than the OP). . My sister is a SAHM after having a career. Difference is they all have joint accounts. Neither my dad or BIL holds all the money. Actually it's the opposite. They travel so much mom and sister handle all the bills from the joint account. Everything is in shared and in both names. Both of them also have their own checking accounts and credit cards solely in their name in case something happens (death or divorce). Do not underestimate the power of a credit score. Money in the account are funded from their husband's direct deposit, but at least they have something of their own. They both pay certain bills from that account, but mostly it's their fun money to do with as they please. Neither one would put up with having to ask for money to play a game or something.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • jenajjthrjenajjthr member
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    I can only say I was you. I got married at the rope old age of 18, in April. Graduated high school in May. Yes, everybody you read that correctly. I was "in luuuurrrrvvvvveeeee" and he joined the Navy. He was home on leave and we just couldn't imagine being apart. So we had a quick wedding in the home that my mom put together. She figured I was an adult and she didn't want to lose me forever. After graduation I moved out to be with him, and that is when the abuse really started. 20 years and 3 kids later I finally got out. What starts as small red flags, money issues, become bigger. OP your comments are even bigger flags then his. You are not ready for marriage because you are ready to be a grown up. Until you take on that responsibility, back far far far away from marriage.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    bc+rw16 said:


    sarahbear31 said:

    Why are the two of you in such a rush to get married??

    Because he joined the army and it's the only way I can be with him. He gets 2 weeks home at Christmas, and that's the only time I'll be able to see him in between his 6 months of training. 
    EDIT: I thought that it was going to be at least two to four years before we were going to get married, but he joined the army and so we're getting married now. We were going to get married anyways, so it's not like we decided to get married because of the army. 


    I smell a PPD if they make it that far. . .

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • bwybwy member
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    FI came home and he said that premarital counseling and doing the Dave Ramsay program sounded like a good idea. 
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    bc+rw16 said:
    FI came home and he said that premarital counseling and doing the Dave Ramsay program sounded like a good idea. 
    That's a very good start. I know a lot of this advice probably comes across as harsh ... We just want to help!




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  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
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    edited September 2014
    I suggest that you read the "when I was 19" thread. At the end of the day you're going to do what you want. And I understand that you don't want to be apart from FI, but it's not the end of the world if you are. Being apart is a test. You do realize you guys will probably be separated if he needs to go on duty or something, right? OP- learn to be independent. Get a job, go to school, prepare for the future. One thing I said in the other thread is that I only thought of the moment and the far future when I was 19. I didn't think of the in between years. I guarantee that FI and I would have been divorced and not on good terms if we got married at 19. There are plenty of young couples that do make it, but it seems as if you both have some soul searching and growing up to do. BTW- my cousin moved in with her now husband at 19. She dropped out of college, got pregnant in her early 20's, quit her job and became a SAHM. Long story short, she is now 29, pregnant with her 3rd kid, miserable in her marriage, but stuck because she became completely dependent on him, and has nothing to fall back on. Just some food for thought. ETA- no patience for iPad paragraphs, or lack of them
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  • emanon321emanon321 member
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    bc+rw16 said:
    sarahbear31 said:
    Why are the two of you in such a rush to get married??
    Because he joined the army and it's the only way I can be with him. He gets 2 weeks home at Christmas, and that's the only time I'll be able to see him in between his 6 months of training. 
    EDIT: I thought that it was going to be at least two to four years before we were going to get married, but he joined the army and so we're getting married now. We were going to get married anyways, so it's not like we decided to get married because of the army. 
    OP I have another question. Did you guys talk about him joining the army together? Or did he decide this on his own. You make it sound like it just suddenly happened. I would buy that if we were drafting, but he enlisted.
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    Fran1985 said:
    I can't believe the fact that OP is 19 is actually the least of the problems here. YOU NEED A JOB. You need to be able to support yourself. I think I liked 100 comments in this thread. Also, not really related but this is the first year that DH might outearn me and I am honestly secretly competitive/mad about it. I love making bread. I make it and then I eat it. challaaaaaaah
    I bought two kinds of challah today.  Challaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  You're Jewish, right?  If so, Shanah Tova!



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  • jdluvr06jdluvr06 member
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    @pinkcow13‌ when you're on the iPad if you look at the top of the text box in the corner on the right there is a white box with two red triangles. If you click that you can use paragraphs.
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  • sarahuflsarahufl member
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    emanon321 said:
    bc+rw16 said:
    sarahbear31 said:
    Why are the two of you in such a rush to get married??
    Because he joined the army and it's the only way I can be with him. He gets 2 weeks home at Christmas, and that's the only time I'll be able to see him in between his 6 months of training. 
    EDIT: I thought that it was going to be at least two to four years before we were going to get married, but he joined the army and so we're getting married now. We were going to get married anyways, so it's not like we decided to get married because of the army. 
    OP I have another question. Did you guys talk about him joining the army together? Or did he decide this on his own. You make it sound like it just suddenly happened. I would buy that if we were drafting, but he enlisted.
    jdluvr06. I have a friend who got married at 19 to her Army boyfriend who joined the Army WITHOUT CONSULTING HER. He dropped out of college and joined the military. She found out at THANKSGIVING DINNER because he was about to ship out. Stupidly, she married him anyway. We have lost touch, but I think they are still married (it's been about 11 years now). But I was flabbergasted when he did that. It was just such a slap in the face for her.
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  • Fran1985 Fran1985 member
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    Viczaesar said:
    Fran1985 said:
    I can't believe the fact that OP is 19 is actually the least of the problems here. YOU NEED A JOB. You need to be able to support yourself. I think I liked 100 comments in this thread. Also, not really related but this is the first year that DH might outearn me and I am honestly secretly competitive/mad about it. I love making bread. I make it and then I eat it. challaaaaaaah
    I bought two kinds of challah today.  Challaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  You're Jewish, right?  If so, Shanah Tova!
    I'm not actually, but went to a jewish school and some family is jewish. And I always appreciate the good wishes of the season, Shanah Tovah to you too! 

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  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
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    bc+rw16 said:
    FI came home and he said that premarital counseling and doing the Dave Ramsay program sounded like a good idea. 
    I'm glad that you guys are communicating about this at least.  Since you like to be crafty, maybe you should look into a part time job with a store like Michael's.  The retail scene doesn't really allow for two weeks off at Christmas (most places you can work at won't either) but if it's only part time, you will still have plenty of daylight to spend with your FI.

    If you get a part time job, that will allow you to have an independent income that you can put into your own bank account.  Likely once he's started to deploy you will have to control the finances (bills, groceries, etc.) on your own so you will need access to joint money but for now, you should probably handle an account of your own.  Once you have a working bank account, setting up a PayPal and an Etsy store will be a heckuva lot easier.

    Also, my husband and I have been together since we were 18.  I'm glad we waited until we were 24 to get married.  I'm not judging your particular situation, but in my case we grew a lot and it only made us more sure that we were right for each other.  We were talking marriage long before we even got engaged because we knew that's where we were headed.  We both decided that we would like to be finished with our degrees before marriage.  Good luck.
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  • raissyraisraissyrais member
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    I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO late to this, I blame the time difference but please OP, for the love of whatever means the world to you, go to college or get a job or at least open your own account. WHAT THE FUCK this dude just wants a baby making slave. Do you really want this?! You have yet to grow up and mature some more, do NOT rush into marriage. It's not all romance and bubbles. It's a partnership in every aspect including financial as well!
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  • bwybwy member
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    I do want to be a stay at home mom. I DON'T want to go to college, nor have I ever. Also, you guys are just really wrong about me and making comments when you don't even understand the whole situation. I didn't really want all this advice, and now I have a six page monster full of it AND spinoff threads. Thanks for your concern, I guess.
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  • mrstrevor3mrstrevor3 member
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    edited September 2014
    larrygaga said:
    Go back to work and send the spawn to daycare if you don't like him controlling how you spend his money. 

    If he wants you to stay home but won't let you spend money, then you have a problem. Right now it just sounds fair to me.

    EDIT: Don't yell at me I can't read.
    Once they got married, it became THEIR money, not HIS money.


    edited
     Sorry, didn't see that they are not married yet.
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