FI and money -vent-

larrygaga

GO TO COLLEGE

bwy

As for the why don't I have a job question... I did have a job for a year, but my boss made me feel uncomfortable and so I quit, and then after that I wasn't really ready to grow up and so I just didn't really look for another job, and then this Army thing came up, and I intend to look for a job after FI and I get married in December but I'm worried about not being able to get the full two weeks off for Christmas, especially if I'm working a minimum wage placeholder job, so I decided to wait until then to get one. 

Also, when I had a job I had my own bank account, I paid for my own everything, and I split with FI for dinners and fun stuff together. All this is really happening quick but it's what I want, I guess I just need to adjust to it better

penguin44

What do you do all day? Don't you get bored? 

JCbride2015

larrygaga said:

GO TO COLLEGE

Wait.  I can do one better than this and channel Beethery.

GO TO COLLEGE

BrandNewJ

Develop as your own person before deciding to actually get married. When I was 19, I couldn't see past the next few years let alone my whole life.

steph861

bc+rw16 said:

As for the why don't I have a job question... I did have a job for a year, but my boss made me feel uncomfortable and so I quit, and then after that I wasn't really ready to grow up and so I just didn't really look for another job, and then this Army thing came up, and I intend to look for a job after FI and I get married in December but I'm worried about not being able to get the full two weeks off for Christmas, especially if I'm working a minimum wage placeholder job, so I decided to wait until then to get one. 

Also, when I had a job I had my own bank account, I paid for my own everything, and I split with FI for dinners and fun stuff together. All this is really happening quick but it's what I want, I guess I just need to adjust to it better

What happened to that bank account?

JaxInBlue

I think you and your FI really need to get on the same page about finances.  Like a lot of PPs, DH and I have an agreement about how our money is spent, and even though we have a combination of shared and individual accounts, we both know generally where the money is going.  Certainly we both make independent purchases - DH might pick up a video game, I'll grab some nail polish or a new skirt - but those do not cause arguments in our relationship.

I strongly urge you to consider taking some time to be financially independent of both your parents and your FI before you marry.  That might mean taking the time to try a real Etsy shop, or perhaps that means working outside the home until you have children.  I understand that as a future military wife you are looking at least some years where you will have only limited control over where you live and that you are also looking at some potentially long separations from your H; you do not want to have to have long distance arguments over how money is spent when he is on deployment. 

I would also caution you that financial abuse commonly starts with some of the things you've described here - finances are considered the property of one person, the other partner does not have direct access to the funds, one partner considers him- or herself to be the authority on how funds are spent.  I don't know enough about your relationship to know if this is the cause for you, or if this is a cause of needing more education about what being a financial couple means.  Your counseling must focus not only on establishing your independence, but you and your FI developing trust between each other to both be responsible financiers of your home.  He's got to trust you when he can't be involved in the day-to-day and you must have your own financial independence. 

There are tons of resources online you could use to start a conversation.  I like the National Endowment for Financial Education's Smart About Money program.

bwy

steph11814 said:

bc+rw16 said:

As for the why don't I have a job question... I did have a job for a year, but my boss made me feel uncomfortable and so I quit, and then after that I wasn't really ready to grow up and so I just didn't really look for another job, and then this Army thing came up, and I intend to look for a job after FI and I get married in December but I'm worried about not being able to get the full two weeks off for Christmas, especially if I'm working a minimum wage placeholder job, so I decided to wait until then to get one. 

Also, when I had a job I had my own bank account, I paid for my own everything, and I split with FI for dinners and fun stuff together. All this is really happening quick but it's what I want, I guess I just need to adjust to it better

What happened to that bank account?

I closed it because they kept fining me for being under the minimum amount. 

penguin44

bc+rw16 said:

As for the why don't I have a job question... I did have a job for a year, but my boss made me feel uncomfortable and so I quit, and then after that I wasn't really ready to grow up and so I just didn't really look for another job, and then this Army thing came up, and I intend to look for a job after FI and I get married in December but I'm worried about not being able to get the full two weeks off for Christmas, especially if I'm working a minimum wage placeholder job, so I decided to wait until then to get one. 

Also, when I had a job I had my own bank account, I paid for my own everything, and I split with FI for dinners and fun stuff together. All this is really happening quick but it's what I want, I guess I just need to adjust to it better

Getting married is growing up.

holyguacamole79

bc+rw16 said:

steph11814 said:

bc+rw16 said:

As for the why don't I have a job question... I did have a job for a year, but my boss made me feel uncomfortable and so I quit, and then after that I wasn't really ready to grow up and so I just didn't really look for another job, and then this Army thing came up, and I intend to look for a job after FI and I get married in December but I'm worried about not being able to get the full two weeks off for Christmas, especially if I'm working a minimum wage placeholder job, so I decided to wait until then to get one. 

Also, when I had a job I had my own bank account, I paid for my own everything, and I split with FI for dinners and fun stuff together. All this is really happening quick but it's what I want, I guess I just need to adjust to it better

What happened to that bank account?

I closed it because they kept fining me for being under the minimum amount. 

Yeah, this should be sign #1 that you're not ready to get married. How old is your FI?

JCbride2015

bc+rw16 said:

As for the why don't I have a job question... I did have a job for a year, but my boss made me feel uncomfortable and so I quit, and then after that I wasn't really ready to grow up and so I just didn't really look for another job, and then this Army thing came up, and I intend to look for a job after FI and I get married in December but I'm worried about not being able to get the full two weeks off for Christmas, especially if I'm working a minimum wage placeholder job, so I decided to wait until then to get one. 

Also, when I had a job I had my own bank account, I paid for my own everything, and I split with FI for dinners and fun stuff together. All this is really happening quick but it's what I want, I guess I just need to adjust to it better

Are you ready to grow up now?  This is a serious question.  Getting married is a very grown-up thing to do and you just sound like you aren't ready for that.  And you know what?  That's totally okay because you are 19 years old.  You are barely even legal voting age.  You can't drink.  In many states you can't smoke.  You don't have to be ready for marriage right now.  But you should be honest with yourself about whether you really want to go full-on married adult right now or whether you need some more time to find yourself, get a career started, and grow up a bit.

And side bar-- why would you need two full weeks off at Christmas?  The only job I can think of with this schedule would be a teacher, and even then it's just one week.

bwy

He's 20

holyguacamole79

Why are the two of you in such a rush to get married??

bwy

sarahbear31 said:

Why are the two of you in such a rush to get married??

Because he joined the army and it's the only way I can be with him. He gets 2 weeks home at Christmas, and that's the only time I'll be able to see him in between his 6 months of training. 

EDIT: I thought that it was going to be at least two to four years before we were going to get married, but he joined the army and so we're getting married now. We were going to get married anyways, so it's not like we decided to get married because of the army. 

holyguacamole79

bc+rw16 said:

sarahbear31 said:

Why are the two of you in such a rush to get married??

Because he joined the army and it's the only way I can be with him. He gets 2 weeks home at Christmas, and that's the only time I'll be able to see him in between his 6 months of training. 

I STRONGLY encourage you to take a step back and reevaluate things. This is not a good reason to get married. You are not self-sufficient. And if you are already having disagreements over finances, I don't see this working out well.

BrandNewJ

bc+rw16 said:

sarahbear31 said:

Why are the two of you in such a rush to get married??

Because he joined the army and it's the only way I can be with him. He gets 2 weeks home at Christmas, and that's the only time I'll be able to see him in between his 6 months of training. 

That's not a real reason to get 2 weeks off, sorry. What are you gonna do the other months he's gone to training? You can be together long distance, you don't need to be married yet.

JCbride2015

bc+rw16 said:

sarahbear31 said:

Why are the two of you in such a rush to get married??

Because he joined the army and it's the only way I can be with him. He gets 2 weeks home at Christmas, and that's the only time I'll be able to see him in between his 6 months of training. 

EDIT: I thought that it was going to be at least two to four years before we were going to get married, but he joined the army and so we're getting married now. We were going to get married anyways, so it's not like we decided to get married because of the army. 

Lots of people have long-distance relationships.  It sucks but rushing into marriage doesn't really sound like the answer.  Are you really sure you're ready for this?

steph861

May I ask how long you've been together?

bwy

We've been together for 10 months 

holyguacamole79

Have you two gone through any premarital counseling?

JCbride2015

steph11814 said:

May I ask how long you've been together?

See, I'm not even totally sure any answer she could give here would change things IMO.  Fi and I have been together since I was 15 and he was 17.  At 19, if we even thought about getting engaged, everyone in my life would have told us we were crazy and they would have been right.

And I am firmly of the opinion that had we gotten married that young, we either would have seriously struggled or even broken up.  That's coming from somebody who is 100% confident in my choice of life partner, and has had a job since age 13.  Getting married too young would have been a catastrophic mistake.

hellosweetie1015

jackannlu said:

Financial issues are one of the common reasons for divorce. If you are already arguing over $15 and buying a coffee at Starbucks every once in a while, I'd say the chances are good you will end up arguing over money in the future, like when expenses increase due to having children. Its pretty important you tackle this topic before you get married. Even if you decide to be a stay at home wife/mom, that doesn't mean you don't have a say in the finances. 

My advice to you is to open your own account. There is no reason why an adult shouldn't have a bank account, I'm actually pretty shocked you don't have one from before you were a couple.

I had one in high school. I had to, in order to be able to buy my school books while my parents worked. 

OP, definitely get a checking account. Put your money in it. Look into getting a part time job and save that money. You will need money at some point that you can access on your own without his presence. He's military. He will likely deploy, and you will need access to food/gas/bill money.

emanon321

College would give you Christmas' off to see him when he's home. Just a thought. 

Learn how to support yourself before marriage! ESPECIALLY to someone in the military. What if the worst happens and he doesn't come home? How will you support you and your kids? What if he comes home disabled and unable to work? How will you support him AND your kids?

Go to school and learn how to be an adult at your own speed. Because you will have to grow up FAST once you're married. 

BrandNewJ

NOT EVEN A YEAR? Please please reconsider this and live life and be self sufficient. You're already fighting about money, what will you be fighting about years from now?

chibiyui

bc+rw16 said:

sarahbear31 said:

Why are the two of you in such a rush to get married??

Because he joined the army and it's the only way I can be with him. He gets 2 weeks home at Christmas, and that's the only time I'll be able to see him in between his 6 months of training. 

EDIT: I thought that it was going to be at least two to four years before we were going to get married, but he joined the army and so we're getting married now. We were going to get married anyways, so it's not like we decided to get married because of the army. 

Oh honey. If you can't go 6 months of training, what the hell are you going to do during deployment?

Have a long engagement, get a job and see where the relationship is in two or four years. Don't get married just to stay with him. If it's meant to be it will be regardless of if you see him for two weeks at Christmas [ by the by the jobs that do that are few and very far between]

jackannlu

bc+rw16 said:

We've been together for 10 months 

Now I DEFINITELY think you are rushing into things. I would try long distance before you get married. Get a job, establish yourself, and then evaluate things after his training ends. You are too young to rush into marriage. 

emanon321

bc+rw16 said:

We've been together for 10 months 

And your parents are fine with it?

I now have a question. Do you two live together with your parents? Or do you each live with your own parents?

bwy

emanon321 said:

bc+rw16 said:

We've been together for 10 months 

And your parents are fine with it?

I now have a question. Do you two live together with your parents? Or do you each live with your own parents?

Um we kind of shuttle back and forth between houses. My parents are really happy, they hope that we'll be as happy as they are. They met when my mom was 18 and they've been together ever since. 

penguin44

I'm not even thinking about your age. I'm still stuck on the fact that you quit your job because you didn't like it and didn't feel like getting another job. Don't you like buying yourself things? I would not be allowed to live with my parents as an adult without going to school or having a job. Even as a teenager I enjoyed having my own money to spend on clothes and seeing friends. 

LadyMillil

There are a lot of red flags here. OP, have you ever had a job? Are you planning on going on to post-secondary education, apprenticeship or some sort of career prep? I think it's very important to have some sort of work experience before you decide to be a SAHM, because you never know what could happen. My grandma got married very young and had 3 kids by the time she was 22. She never had a job, went straight from her parents' house to her husbands' house and was a SAHM. Her husband paid all the bills and they lived comfortably. He was driving home from work one day, got in to a car accident (he wasn't at fault) and died. Grandma was left alone with 3 kids to raise, no income and no job experience. She had to rely on the generosity of family and friends to keep her kids fed, clothed and sheltered for a couple months before she found a place willing to hire her with no work experience.