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FI and money -vent-

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Re: FI and money -vent-

  • larrygaga said:
    GO TO COLLEGE
    Wait.  I can do one better than this and channel Beethery.

    GO TO COLLEGE
    I'm not saying that she shouldn't go to college, but it certainly isn't for everyone.
  • bc+rw16 said:
    We've been together for 10 months 
    i'm sorry, but this is all too much....does anyone else think troll?
    LDay2014
  • scribe95 said:
    It's okay not to go to college. But it's not okay to sit around leeching off your parents and refusing to even get a job or learn a skill or SOMETHING.
    Agree 100%! At 19 I had an apartment, and two jobs. Went to college a little later.
  • bc+rw16 said:
    I do want to be a stay at home mom. I DON'T want to go to college, nor have I ever. Also, you guys are just really wrong about me and making comments when you don't even understand the whole situation. I didn't really want all this advice, and now I have a six page monster full of it AND spinoff threads. Thanks for your concern, I guess.
    bc+rw... I get it. Is he going to be active duty, reserves or national guard? The military lifetstyle makes people live their lives in FFWD. Rushing things because of future uncertainties. I won't judge you for not wanting to go to college or having any future goals aside from starting a family. You're YOUNG! Both of you are, so I don't place too much weight on either of your actions. Young adults (18-23) are impulsive, selfish and think they have life figured out. Generally speaking, of course. Sure there are mature YA, but the fact still remains that they are inexperienced. 

    I agree you should get your own bank account and that he shouldn't be telling you what you can or can't do with *your* money since this is just hobby money. You should discuss how finances will be budgeted once you're married. Him being the breadwinner does not give him the right to withhold money and control you. Being head of household and the sole breadwinner in the relationship means his income belongs to the both of you. He's accepted supporting you financially. In the military, service members get paid extra for each dependent. A spouse or child is considered a dependent. These extras are to offset the cost of supporting a household versus being a single service member. He cannot legally withhold this money from you. You can seek out the local family readiness group and JAG to seek legal consul. It's important you are involved and well versed in military law.

    I do think you are too young to understand the commitment, compromises and sacrifices required of marriage. I say that as someone who married at 20. It doesn't mean you can't fight through it and make it in the end. It just means it's painful, a lot of work and you are risking sacrificing more of yourself than you should before you even know who you really are. This goes for your FI as well. He obviously has lots of growing to do too.
    levioosa
  • One other thing, How could you possibly know that you want to be a SAHM when you don't have any kids? When I was pregnant with my son, I thought I might be a SAHM (but I did not quit my job yet. That wouldn't be wise). But guess, what? He was born, and I said "FUCK THAT." I love my kids to death, but I am just not cut out for that kind of life. I would have lost my mind. But I had no idea until I was actually a mom.
    THIS SO MUCH THIS.  I read this last night when I was half asleep and wanted to come back to it.

    I have two kids, I LOVE them dearly, but I could NOT be a SAHM.  When I was off on mat leave with my girls I lost my marbles - angry, depressed, bitter, jealous of their dad for his ability to walk away and go to work.  I had PPD, an infant, and a toddler...constantly exhausted, with very little help from anyone at the time.  And worse off, I was too proud to ask.  I felt like a failure.  How could I regret my children?  How could I not want to be around them?  I was their mom and I should adore every crying fit, every stinky diaper...but I didn't. 

    I was able to be a better parent to them when I was able to maintain my identity and have a productive life outside of being a Mom.  When I had the opportunity to miss them, and as they grew up I grew into mommy-hood.  

    Turns out, I just don't like babies.  I love my 6 & 7 year olds though!  They're so amazingly awesome!

    Every parent is different and there's no way of knowing if you are CAPABLE of being a SAHM until you actually have kids.

    I give kudos to all the SAHP out there, my hat is off to you because I couldn't do it. 
    mrstrevor3ashley8918jenna8984wajohnson09
  • LDay2014 said:
    One other thing, How could you possibly know that you want to be a SAHM when you don't have any kids? When I was pregnant with my son, I thought I might be a SAHM (but I did not quit my job yet. That wouldn't be wise). But guess, what? He was born, and I said "FUCK THAT." I love my kids to death, but I am just not cut out for that kind of life. I would have lost my mind. But I had no idea until I was actually a mom.
    THIS SO MUCH THIS.  I read this last night when I was half asleep and wanted to come back to it.

    I have two kids, I LOVE them dearly, but I could NOT be a SAHM.  When I was off on mat leave with my girls I lost my marbles - angry, depressed, bitter, jealous of their dad for his ability to walk away and go to work.  I had PPD, an infant, and a toddler...constantly exhausted, with very little help from anyone at the time.  And worse off, I was too proud to ask.  I felt like a failure.  How could I regret my children?  How could I not want to be around them?  I was their mom and I should adore every crying fit, every stinky diaper...but I didn't. 

    I was able to be a better parent to them when I was able to maintain my identity and have a productive life outside of being a Mom.  When I had the opportunity to miss them, and as they grew up I grew into mommy-hood.  

    Turns out, I just don't like babies.  I love my 6 & 7 year olds though!  They're so amazingly awesome!

    Every parent is different and there's no way of knowing if you are CAPABLE of being a SAHM until you actually have kids.

    I give kudos to all the SAHP out there, my hat is off to you because I couldn't do it. 
    I don't think this is a big deal. Of course she doesn't know for a fact she will like being a SAHM until she has children. But I don't think she should be judged for wanting to be one. As with many things, we don't know anything until we're there and experiencing it ourselves. If she doesn't like it, then she can reassess and go from there. 
    Maggie0829
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2014
    We (or at least, I) are not judging her for wanting to be one in the future. What we are judging, is her making the very immature decision to become one right now, before she even has children. What if she isn't cut out for it? She will be in big trouble, because in deciding never to get a job, she will have no work experience or marketable skills. 

    In the OP's own words, she didn't get another job after quitting her last one because she "wasn't readt to grow up" (i'm sorry, but, fucking what?!). She is still not making grown-up decisions, and this stay-at-home not-mom business is just one example.
    mrstrevor3esstee33
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Well it's not so easy to reassess and go anywhere from there if she has no marketable skills or experience. I think that's the point everyone's trying to make... not that she shouldn't be aiming for being a SAHM, but that she should be establishing herself as a grown up before making that commitment. Then she'll know what it's like to be a contributing member of working society, and have something to compare her new SAHM career to so she knows that it's for her. The contributions of working and SAH moms are both valuable, but if all you've ever known is being a child at home and then suddenly a parent at home, it would be so easy to feel trapped and stuck. And if you're in your mid-twenties with zero work experience, you ARE stuck. 
    Yeah, pretend I said this. This is what I was trying to say up there ^, but you said it better.
    larrygaga
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2014

    Well this was one hell of a way to wake up this morning.

     

    OP, where will you live when he is in the army? Are you planning on travelling base to base with him or are you going to stay at home with your parents still? Just curious.

     

    ETA: I also agree that college is not for everyone, but you should at least have your own source of income.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • This whole situation scares the ever-loving shit outta me.  Like others, when I was 19 I was out in my own apartment, taking classes, and working 2 or 3 jobs.  There's no way in hell I would have been ready to get married. 

    Plus the idea of ANYBODY telling me what I can and can't spend MY money on - well, that just wouldn't end well for him/her.  Now that I live with FI, I certainly would consult with him on big purchases (over $500), but I'm going to buy what I need/want to buy (case in point, I bought the new iPhone last week, I didn't ask him, I let him know I was doing it, but he wasn't going to try and tell me I couldn't). 

    FI is in the Army (thank God he's in his last 3-4 years before he retires), and yeah, deployments suck big-time.  He left 5 months into us dating, and there's no way that we would have gotten married before he left, we just committed to each other and it made us much stronger as a couple.

    Also, being dependent on someone totally for income also scares the hell out of me, but that's my fierce independent streak showing there.  My BFF has been married to her husband (retired Marine) for 17 years, and it's a tough life.  I always said I would never consider a military man, but then FI came along, and well, you know life has a way of laughing in your face as far as what you think your plans are going to be.  :)

    image


  • Well it's not so easy to reassess and go anywhere from there if she has no marketable skills or experience. I think that's the point everyone's trying to make... not that she shouldn't be aiming for being a SAHM, but that she should be establishing herself as a grown up before making that commitment. Then she'll know what it's like to be a contributing member of working society, and have something to compare her new SAHM career to so she knows that it's for her. The contributions of working and SAH moms are both valuable, but if all you've ever known is being a child at home and then suddenly a parent at home, it would be so easy to feel trapped and stuck. And if you're in your mid-twenties with zero work experience, you ARE stuck. 
    Yeah, pretend I said this. This is what I was trying to say up there ^, but you said it better.
    Exactly what I was getting at...so severely limiting yourself at 19 because you will have no marketable skills to fall back on and not able to function as an adult in society.

    Bad bad bad position to be in.
    If I had decided at 19 to not want more for myself than to be someone else's wife/mom then I would have been SCREWED when my ex and I split.

    I don't like to have to rely on anyone else for anything.  It's nice to have a partner in your life, but you won't always have one so the ability to stand on your own is such a vital skill to posess.
    ashley8918PrettyGirlLost
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    lyndausvi said:
    I'm not all doom and gloom.        My brother and his now-wife had a baby when she was 20 and he was 2 weeks shy of 21.  They got married 6 months later.    20 years and 1 additional kid later they are still together.  Both got their college degrees.   SIL at one point was a SAHM for a few years, but went back to work when they decided they wanted to send their girls to private school.  SIL working or not working was a FAMILY choice.    

    I have a bunch of cousins who also got married young and never went to college.  They are doing well for themselves.  Some even have paid off houses and 2nd beach or lake homes.   Some were SAHM at some point, others keep their full-time job, still others worked part-time jobs.

    The difference with them and you is maturity.  They were a team.  There was none of this I'm working so I control all of the money crap.   Together they decided what was good for the family as a whole and if being a SAHP was the right choice the working parent did not hold the money over their head.  On the other side,  the wife did not just say "I'm staying at home with the kids you have to be the sole provider".  No, again it was a joint choice.  Together they figured out how it was going to work.

    Every SAHM I know had a job before becoming a mom.  I do not know a single mom who didn't at some point have a job outside the home.   Not all went college, but they all had jobs.  I can't wrap my head around a 19 year old not either in school or having a job.    A lot have both, but there is zero excuse to have neither.    

    Now you seem to like the hobby thing.   There is no reason why  you can't turn that into a real money making venture.   You do not want to go to college, fine your choice.  But you need to do something.  That said, I recommend if you want to turn this hobby thing into a real business taking a business class or 2 at a community college or something.  CC tend to be more affordable and you can learn something about running a business. 

     Even a simple accounting 101 class can be helpful.  Especially for someone who does not have a checking account.    


    All of this, especially the bolded.

  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Yeah, on the topic of limiting oneself by becoming a SAHM with no other work experience.  That happened to my mom.  She dropped out of art school as a teenager and spent the next several years bartending.  She made good money compared to her friends, and never thought about getting another job or going back to school.  Then she met my dad and --oops-- got pregnant with me at 25 (not even that young) and realized that her tips from tending bar would not even cover childcare.  So they decided she would stay home.

    My parents split up twice: once when I was a baby, temporarily.  And then once when I was 11, permanently.  The first time, my mom had to live with a friend and use food stamps and Welfare to survive.  The second time, she went back to junior college for an associate's degree, to get a job making even just slightly above the poverty line.  Now at the age of 52, she still struggles to buy groceries and pay her rent because she got off to such a late, rocky start.  She had to start from basically below zero in her mid-thirties with two kids.

    My mom was an AWESOME SAHM.  She's an artist.  We crafted all kinds of cool shit in our basement.  She sewed all my doll clothes based on the pictures in the American Girl catalog because we couldn't afford the "real" thing.  Every Halloween we had a big neighborhood party and she turned the playroom into a haunted house.  

    I LOVE that my mom stayed home.  But when her relationship crumbled she had nothing to fall back on.  If she had used those years between 19-25 to get some education or work experience in her desired field, her life would be drastically different right now.  I wouldn't be worried about making sure we get a home large enough for my mom to stay with us if she can't pay the rent on her trailer pad and she gets kicked out.  This is not stuff somebody should have to worry about at age 52 after raising two kids.  But it's what can happen when you limit your career opportunities so early in life.
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  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OP, it's hard to be objective when you are in the situation yourself.  We aren't trying to attack you.  We are trying to give you a real picture of what life will be like.

    The problems you deal with in your dating years don't magically disappear when you get married--in fact it's just the opposite.

    College may not be for you. It was for me.  It wasn't for my best friend.  She's doing fantastic right now, is 24, and owns six houses because she's worked her butt off.  I'm so proud of her.  School made her miserable.  I'm so happy she found something she's good at and loves to do.  When the time comes, she wants to be a SAHM.  It's always been her dream, and she nannied six kids for 10 years so she knows she's up for it.  This is the difference though--SHE IS PREPARED.  She has a source of income and experience, she is mature, she is ready to take on more responsibility.  

    There is a lot you haven't thought through.  You cannot possibly think you are prepared for life.  There is an immaturity here that goes beyond not having a job.  Many of us here were 19 and worked multiple jobs with or without college.  We knew the party was over and it was time to get real.  I was buying my own groceries, gas and clothing at 16, and there is still no frickin' way I would have gotten married at 19.  

    What are your reasons for getting married now?  Do you think it will give you some kind of protection and claim over him while he is overseas?  (I'm not mocking you, btw.  I can relate to that).  Do you know for a fact he is deploying overseas? I've known multiple military men who were never actually deployed to a different country, they were just moved to different bases.  Would this affect your decision?  


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    ashley8918PrettyGirlLostWegl13
  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    I'm scared for you, OP. Let me preface my response by saying this:

    My older brother was in the Army. He met a lovely young lady. They knew each other for 8 months before getting married. They got married so she could move to where he was getting stationed. He was 22 and she was 20. 9 years later they are still going strong.

    Also, college is not for everyone. So we could just as easily scream, "GET A JOB!" instead of "GO TO SCHOOL!"

    I disagree with PP's that say this is an age thing or is a they haven't been together long thing. This is a HER thing. My brother and his wife were very mature and knew that by getting married young that it would be hard. 

    OP, I highly suggest that you get a job and have money for YOU. What happens if your FI (God forbid) were killed in the line of duty or y'all get a divorce? Will you be able to support yourself? You won't even have a job, a bank account, a savings account...nothing. I'm not saying your marriage won't work. I'm not saying something awful is going to happen to your FI. But I am saying that you need to be able to support yourself before relying on your FI to do it for you.

    When you get married, the money you both make will become YOUR (plural) money. Not his, not yours, but y'alls together. It is important that y'all agree on budgeting and your finances because that will always be a huge stress in your relationship. 

    sarawifenowchibiyui
  • lyndausvi said:
    My parents and all my siblings for their own kids have/had the rule that if you want to live at home after you graduate HS you have to either go to school (college or trade school) or after 3 months you start paying rent.     

    If you want to live back home after you graduate college after 3 months you have to pay rent.  No exceptions.  

    Rent was low ($250), but you were NOT living at home for free.   Period, not happening.  They stopped paying your car, insurance and everything else personal like that.   They would pay for food in the house.  Sort of.  If mom was going shopping she would pick up something for you.  If you wanted/needed something and had to go on your own then it was on your dime.  She was not making special trips for you.

    My parents do well financially .  They did not need the money at all.  It was the responsibility they were teaching.
    Same thing at my parents' house. We also had to make car payments to ourselves, with interest, so that we were accustomed to having that expense, even though our grandma had given each of us a modest amount of money (<$5k) to buy our first car outright. Then when it was time to buy a new car we had an envelope of cash saved up.

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    lyndausvi
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I never learned anything about financial management from my parents beyond that if I wanted clothing other than from Salvation Army, I'd better get my own job.  I really envy people whose parents knew about, and taught them about, finances because it must really help you get off on a better start.  I have pretty huge credit card debt I've basically been carrying around since college because I had no idea what to do with money.  Thank God I got a great job and can pay it down now, but I'd be really screwed if I hadn't chosen this career.
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