FI and money -vent-

Sugargirl1019

@sarahufl‌ LOVE this!

raissyrais

sarahufl said:

I love seeing how different families handle money. When I was 14, we sat down and had a family meeting. We talked about how much money we thought we needed in a month. We were responsible for buying clothes, purses, school lunches, gas and fun stuff. 

Parents picked up toilet paper, household supplies, breakfast/dinner food, car payments once we got a little bit older (all the larger ticket items). They opened bank accounts for me and my siblings and made an (admittedly fairly small) deposit into our accounts on the first of the month. The money was ours. We could bring leftovers for lunch and pocket our lunch money, we could skip out on movies and save, etc. At the end of each month, we would all sit down together and balance our checkbooks.

It was such a great system. We could spend it all or save a bunch, it was up to us. But ultimately, it was up to us to manage the money (at FOURTEEN). It was awesome because it was very safe- if we spent too much or couldn't manage the money, we weren't going to be thrown out of the house. We learned how to manage money at a very young age and that has stuck with me till today.

We also got credit cards when we were 16 so we knew how to use them before going to college.

I kid you not, until I was about 20 I didn't realize you could carry a balance on a credit card because my parents emphasized paying them off in full every month. To this day, I have never paid a cent in CC interest (I am 31).

Don't underestimate the importance of good financial knowledge at a young age.

That's also how it was for us. We each had our own account and ask to manage our money the way we saw fit. I carried those lessons all the way into adulthood. I've never been in debt in my life or late towards a payment, unless it was absolutely accidental. Also, I've never paid interests on CC either. It's the way to do it if you can!

sarahufl

Sugargirl1019 said:

@sarahufl‌ LOVE this!

I plan to do the same thing with our kids!

lyndausvi

sarahufl said:

lolo883 said:

lyndausvi said:

My parents and all my siblings for their own kids have/had the rule that if you want to live at home after you graduate HS you have to either go to school (college or trade school) or after 3 months you start paying rent.     

If you want to live back home after you graduate college after 3 months you have to pay rent.  No exceptions.  

Rent was low ($250), but you were NOT living at home for free.   Period, not happening.  They stopped paying your car, insurance and everything else personal like that.   They would pay for food in the house.  Sort of.  If mom was going shopping she would pick up something for you.  If you wanted/needed something and had to go on your own then it was on your dime.  She was not making special trips for you.

My parents do well financially .  They did not need the money at all.  It was the responsibility they were teaching.

Same thing at my parents' house. We also had to make car payments to ourselves, with interest, so that we were accustomed to having that expense, even though our grandma had given each of us a modest amount of money (<$5k) to buy our first car outright. Then when it was time to buy a new car we had an envelope of cash saved up.

I love seeing how different families handle money. When I was 14, we sat down and had a family meeting. We talked about how much money we thought we needed in a month. We were responsible for buying clothes, purses, school lunches, gas and fun stuff.

Parents picked up toilet paper, household supplies, breakfast/dinner food, car payments once we got a little bit older (all the larger ticket items). They opened bank accounts for me and my siblings and made an (admittedly fairly small) deposit into our accounts on the first of the month. The money was ours. We could bring leftovers for lunch and pocket our lunch money, we could skip out on movies and save, etc. At the end of each month, we would all sit down together and balance our checkbooks.

It was such a great system. We could spend it all or save a bunch, it was up to us. But ultimately, it was up to us to manage the money (at FOURTEEN). It was awesome because it was very safe- if we spent too much or couldn't manage the money, we weren't going to be thrown out of the house. We learned how to manage money at a very young age and that has stuck with me till today.

We also got credit cards when we were 16 so we knew how to use them before going to college.

I kid you not, until I was about 20 I didn't realize you could carry a balance on a credit card because my parents emphasized paying them off in full every month. To this day, I have never paid a cent in CC interest (I am 31).

Don't underestimate the importance of good financial knowledge at a young age.

My parents did something similar.  As a freshman we got a set amount of money a month (dad got paid monthly so we did too).  That was our fun, gas, lunch, school supplies, whatever money.    You ran out out, oh well. 

At the start of the school year we would get a certain amount for clothes on paper.   We had to make that last the whole year.  The only thing not included were sports uniforms and winter stuff like coats, boots, etc.

There as not such things a hitting up mom or dad for $20 for a movie.  It really taught us how to manage money.

bwy

You guys don't even really read what I say, you just twist it into what you think I said, and aren't even giving relevant advice. 

Also not that it matters to you guys, I do data entry for my FMIL as a side job and she's training me to do her job piece by piece. 

Sugargirl1019

bc+rw16 said:

You guys don't even really read what I say, you just twist it into what you think I said, and aren't even giving relevant advice. 

Also not that it matters to you guys, I do data entry for my FMIL as a side job and she's training me to do her job piece by piece. 

This is a good skill. I'm glad you have her to teach you like that.

JCbride2015

bc+rw16 said:

You guys don't even really read what I say, you just twist it into what you think I said, and aren't even giving relevant advice. 

Also not that it matters to you guys, I do data entry for my FMIL as a side job and she's training me to do her job piece by piece. 

I think all of our advice is extremely relevant.  You need to be self-sufficient before you start planning on someone else supporting you.  Girl, you need a backup plan God forbid something happens to Fi or you get divorced.  Did you read anything I posted about my own mom?  Or do you just think divorce is impossible for you?

And I find it hard to believe that if you really had a "job" with FMIL, you wouldn't have mentioned it until page 7 of this thread.  It sounds like you aren't making any money beyond what you can sell your crafts for.  If you are really interested in pursuing a job in data entry with FMIL, maybe you should work out some set hours and a fee schedule.

theartistformerlyknownas

bc+rw16 said:

You guys don't even really read what I say, you just twist it into what you think I said, and aren't even giving relevant advice. 

Also not that it matters to you guys, I do data entry for my FMIL as a side job and she's training me to do her job piece by piece. 

And it only took you 7 pages to tell us that? Mmhmm. Sure.

emmaaa

bc+rw16 said:

You guys don't even really read what I say, you just twist it into what you think I said, and aren't even giving relevant advice. 

Also not that it matters to you guys, I do data entry for my FMIL as a side job and she's training me to do her job piece by piece. 

Just because you don't see our advice as relevant, doesn't mean it isn't or that it is bad advice. 

I personally think everyone is just trying to help you.

bwy

She's training me, it's a skill I'm learning, when you are all yelling at me to go to college or learn a skill, well I am. 

lyndausvi

bc+rw16 said:

You guys don't even really read what I say, you just twist it into what you think I said, and aren't even giving relevant advice. 

Also not that it matters to you guys, I do data entry for my FMIL as a side job and she's training me to do her job piece by piece. 

Pretty sure us saying to get a job, get your own checking account and not relying 100% financially on your FI was good advice.

But what do I know, I've already lived through my 20's I can't possibility give good advice?

ashley8918

bc+rw16 said:

She's training me, it's a skill I'm learning, when you are all yelling at me to go to college or learn a skill, well I am. 

Sorry, but I find it really hard to believe that you would wait this long to mention this. 

rooz103

@bc+rw16

As someone who spent most of her teenage years working for family, I agree with PP about finding and holding at least a part time job so that you can:

1) have more money (because who doesn't like more money?) and 

2) have a solid job history. 

It's great that you're being trained in data entry, but when you apply for jobs down the line, it's really hard to argue "I worked for my mom" in an interview. It was hard establishing myself, even after college, because it was difficult proving that I had experience. 

Also, please consider premarital counseling. As PP mentioned, money is something that can be a really touchy subject, and it might be helpful to have an outside party's insight to make sure you're as prepared as you can be. 

cupcait927

bc+rw16 said:

You guys don't even really read what I say, you just twist it into what you think I said, and aren't even giving relevant advice. 

Also not that it matters to you guys, I do data entry for my FMIL as a side job and she's training me to do her job piece by piece. 

How AREN'T you getting relevant advice? There's 7 pages here of people being very concerned about you and wanting to help. You've gotten a varied number of suggestions. No one has twisted your words, we can only go on what you've told us.

It does matter to us that you're learning a skill from your FMIL. That is something that will translate into the job world and be a valuable skill in helping you land a job, which you really, really need to do. I couldn't imagine being 19 and not in school or working full time.

sarahufl

I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.

levioosa

Man I wish I was young enough to know everything again.  

bwy

sarahufl said:

I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.

I was kind of expecting "Man that sucks, FI hates it when I get starbucks too" 

sarahufl

bc+rw16 said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.

I was kind of expecting "Man that sucks, FI hates it when I get starbucks too"

stuck in the box.

Fair, so here is my experience to share - H doesn't say anything about when I get Starbucks because I pay for it with my own money.

levioosa

bc+rw16 said: sarahufl said: I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.
I was kind of expecting "Man that sucks, FI hates it when I get starbucks too" 



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Except this was never about the Starbucks.  This was about an unhealthy and controlling relationship.  We are concerned for you.  

Edit: For weird formatting

penguin44

bc+rw16 said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.

I was kind of expecting "Man that sucks, FI hates it when I get starbucks too" 

I had a bf who got upset when I bought things he didn't consider worth it. This was while I was in college and had a part time job. We broke up. He was controlling.

princessofgenovia

bc+rw16 said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.

I was kind of expecting "Man that sucks, FI hates it when I get starbucks too" 

That's the thing, our SOs don't give a shit if we get Starbucks because we're grown ups. Even if our SOs are the primary bread winners, they don't throw hissy fits over $5 coffee because they are grown ups who aren't controlling asshats. We have our own money that we can control. We have bank accounts. We're grown folk and so are the people we're with. 

luckya23

bc+rw16 said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.

I was kind of expecting "Man that sucks, FI hates it when I get starbucks too" 

Can't say I can relate.

Mine is thrilled that I bought a house with my own money that I earned by getting my master's degree and holding jobs for over a decade, that he will be able to live in.

bwy

But it's not about the $5, it's that he doesn't like me buying into things like Starbucks because they're popular. 

hellosweetie1015

bc+rw16 said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.

I was kind of expecting "Man that sucks, FI hates it when I get starbucks too" 

Yeah... no. My FI does hate it when I get Starbucks, but that is 100% because I am usually bouncing off the walls because I am not responsible with mochas. There is absolutely 0% reason for him to hate when I pay $4.50 of MY money for too much mocha that my body can't process quite right.

slothiegal

bc+rw16 said:

But it's not about the $5, it's that he doesn't like me buying into things like Starbucks because they're popular. 

SIB

levioosa

bc+rw16 said:

But it's not about the $5, it's that he doesn't like me buying into things like Starbucks because they're popular. 

.....What???

Who effing cares if it's popular or not?!  It's still controlling.

If this was about a joint account and money that went to Starbucks which meant you couldn't pay the electricity bill it would be one thing, but that isn't the situation at all.

Does not change the fact that he is being controlling in any way, shape, or form.  

hellosweetie1015

bc+rw16 said:

But it's not about the $5, it's that he doesn't like me buying into things like Starbucks because they're popular. 

This sounds like something my 17 year old sister would say. I mean, I can get behind not buying Starbucks if there's a better coffee shop, but he DOESN"T GET TO DICTATE WHAT YOU BUY PERIOD. 

That's kind of our point.

Sugargirl1019

So, is this a money concern? Or a "he doesn't like the things I like" concern? Because it sounded like money in your OP.

ETA: Either way, talk with your FI about why he feels the way he does. Then explain why you need your Starbucks coffee, and game so bad. Ask if he has concerns about you spending instead of saving. Maybe he has hidden feelings that he wished you would bring in more income to help? You never know. But you also need to defend what you want to do, and come to see each others sides and COMPROMISE. That sounds like what needs to be done. You might need to change you habits a little, and he might have to change his.

If he does not, I would be very concerned that this is a controlling relationship. Find out please.

blabla89

bc+rw16 said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.

I was kind of expecting "Man that sucks, FI hates it when I get starbucks too" 

TBH, my FI does get a little judgy about my spending when I tell him I bought lunch at the food court X number of times this week. So I feel you.

The PPs have also given some great advice, even if it wasn't what you were seeking.

lurkergirl

bc+rw16 said:

But it's not about the $5, it's that he doesn't like me buying into things like Starbucks because they're popular. 

ETA: When I get Starbucks, my FI asks for a caramel macchiato.