Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bar related question

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Re: Bar related question

  • I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time.

    So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.


    I have never seen anyone on these boards suggest that alcohol is a requirement for good hosting. They have only stated if you are going to have alcohol host it properly. They have stated many times that dry weddings can be just as fun as open bars.
    Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
    This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?

    To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • The only time I've seen drink tickets is a company sponsored event.   Even then I roll my eyes.


    I've attended and/or worked plenty of weddings.  Sure there is always few who over drink (mostly WP members), but the vast majority of wedding guests control themselves.  Seems silly to limit my grandma  to 2 drinks when she might only have 3 anyway, because her grandson might over drink.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.


    Clearly, this works at bars across the world every day. No drunk drivers, bar fights, or inappropriate behavior when people have to pay for alcohol!


    Agree with the bolded!

    I went to a wedding recently that we were unsure whether it was going to be cash bar or not (so many etiquette missteps) so we packed a flask in my purse and some cash. Trust me, we would have drank, and we would have left early. As it was, it was an open bar (as most weddings in our area are), but it would have been my first cash bar wedding.
  • Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
    Clearly, this works at bars across the world every day. No drunk drivers, bar fights, or inappropriate behavior when people have to pay for alcohol!

    No it does not stop it. But I see no reason why I should encourage out of control drinking by offering it for free. Again, I am bowing to the societal convention of an open bar because I have to. I completely disagree with it and would prefer a reduction on my cost but alas that is not happening. We have an open bar and will alledgedly host our guests "properly" even though I think it's stupid.
  • edited May 2015

    Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.


    This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?

    To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.



    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.

  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2015
    notdoingitbythebook said: notdoingitbythebook said:I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time. So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.


    I have never seen anyone on these boards suggest that alcohol is a requirement for good hosting. They have only stated if you are going to have alcohol host it properly. They have stated many times that dry weddings can be just as fun as open bars.

    Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.


    This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?
    To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.

    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them. Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.

    ----BOXES-----

    What exactly do you not agree with? That if you host an event, guests should not be required to pay for anything? That adults should be able to decide whether/how much they drink? That a reception is a thank-you for attending the ceremony? 

    Just because you disagree doesn't make your opinion correct. Just a reminder, this is an etiquette board, and people will tell you when you're going against proper etiquette. Whether you agree with said etiquette is not relevant and does not change the fact that a cash bar is rude.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
    This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?

    To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.



    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.




    I am also confused. I get what you are saying about overindulging. I have guests that I am VERY concerned about. When alcohol is free they drink way too much. But they also drink too much at home. So, I am going to trust my venue to handle them better than they handle themselves at home. When I was planning my wedding I had several etiquette approved choices:

    Dry Wedding

    Beer/ Wine only

    Open bar

     

    If I had chosen a dry wedding I would have been hosting properly. If someone asked about my wedding being a dry wedding I could just state I have recovering alcoholics in the family that I want to support and if anyone side-eyed me for that, well that is their problem.

  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited May 2015
    I am having an afternoon dry wedding because my venue doesn't allow alcohol in the part that we are doing the reception. If it rains and we use the indoor space we could have alcohol, but it's a huge expense and paperwork to get the permits and the event coordinator told us it wasn't worth it for the amount of time that we would be using the space. 

    I have been the girl on the table at the wedding. (From what I heard anyway). I'm like that at bars too. If you don't want alcohol, don't have it. Don't bitch about it. In our area, it's a pain in the ass to have a cash bar because of the liquor laws and many venues don't even offer it as an option. I only know of 3 and they do HUGE events. 

    ETA: Clarity
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers



    Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering.
    It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
    Not true.  Those in your circle are rude to expect any alcohol.  It is not required anywhere, regardless of how "essential" your friends find it.  Dry weddings are valid.  Repeat: Dry weddings are valid.
  • flbride2015, I was raised the same way! I have had it practically beaten into me that I HAVE to provide food and drinks for guests. Even in college when I wasn't hosting a party I would be annoyed when someone didn't have food so I'd end up spending my own money to buy pizza for the group. Ugh.
  • @flbride2015, I was raised the same way.   I'm also raised that you don't show up empty handed but you don't expect the thing you brought to be used.   

    Friends may offer to bring things to our events and I may say OK but by no means are we the "sign up to bring something" kind of people.   We're the "I know you like whiskey so we made sure that there's another bottle of Jameson black label once this one is kicked" kind of people. 
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited May 2015



    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.




    Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???

    I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?

    The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."  

    Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor. 


    ---------- PRETEND I'M A BOX ------------------------------------------




    I'm the same way.  I learned it from my family.   My grandma who lived on SS always offered food and drinks as soon as a walked in the door.     To allow her to host, my cousins and me would give her beer, gin and whiskey has christmas gifts.    All my extended family does the same thing.  DH's side (different part of the country) does the same.  


    My parents have a kick-ass liquor cabinet.  My dad doesn't really drink.  Maybe a beer once in a while.  Mom drinks Jack and Coke sometimes, but not often. 

    People know not to bring food to my house when we are hosting.  We do not bring food to homes we were invited to either.  We will bring a bottle of wine as a hostess gift.  But it's NOT expected to be opened while we are there.       DH sometimes brings Grey Goose, but that is mostly last minute get togethers.  For the most part our friends keep it in stock for DH.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
    BF's best friend had a cash bar at his wedding because his sister can't control her alcohol intake. Luckily we were told prior so we knew.

    Guess who was trashed at the end of the night? Best friend's sister. Cash bars don't stop over indulgence in alcohol because they willfind a way to get the alcohol regardless.

    BTW we only had one drink each because it was nearly $8 for drinks.
    Formerly known as bubbles053009





  • banana468 said:

    @flbride2015, I was raised the same way.   I'm also raised that you don't show up empty handed but you don't expect the thing you brought to be used.   


    Friends may offer to bring things to our events and I may say OK but by no means are we the "sign up to bring something" kind of people.   We're the "I know you like whiskey so we made sure that there's another bottle of Jameson black label once this one is kicked" kind of people. 




    Exactly, even if they properly hosted, I would probably bring over wine or something. It is just so annoying to be told to because if you don't, they will be absolutely nothing to eat or drink offered at their place. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind potlucks or even an occasional BYOB, but it's every single time.

    Plus, personally, I enjoyhosting. I really truly enjoy making a nice meal and having drinks to offer my guests. I feel like I'm one of the few sometimes that still takes pride in throwing a good party or dinner.

  • No it does not stop it. But I see no reason why I should encourage out of control drinking by offering it for free. Again, I am bowing to the societal convention of an open bar because I have to. I completely disagree with it and would prefer a reduction on my cost but alas that is not happening. We have an open bar and will alledgedly host our guests "properly" even though I think it's stupid.
    If you're so worried about out-of-control drinking, have a dry wedding. If you're worried about the costs, have a dry wedding (or heck, limit it to beer and wine only). There are SO many etiquette-approved options that do not involve your guests having to pay for anything, but I am beginning to think that you will refuse to listen to logic.

    I wanted a dry wedding. I was overruled. So I have some contingencies in place for making sure the abusers do not get out of control. Again, we are having an open bar so we are "hosting properly". The logic is perfectly understandable, I just do not like it. 
  • This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?

    To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.



    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.

    All you are doing is micro-managing your guests. They are adults. They should be able to handle themselves.

    True story - the last wedding I attended, the groomsmen went out the night before the wedding to a bar. Two of them drank too much and got arrested. Only one of them made it to the wedding the next day. And yes, they paid for their own drinks.


    If people overindulge at my house, they stay the night or take a cab. I will not let them leave in their car and drive. That is what a responsible host does. They don't let people drink out of control and then drive home. I'm not micromanaging, I'm making sure no one dies. Not only would that be horrible, I could also be found liable for letting them drink and drive after leaving my house. I don't want to lose a friend to stupidity because I let them drive drunk.
  • banana468 said:

    This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?

    To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.



    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.

    You're missing the point.   Most wedding receptions are full of overconsumption.   So where does it end?   You can consume your daily caloric allotment in appetizers alone.   Why is alcohol something that's an extra and rationed by the hosts to the quantities that THEY deem are OK?

    Because I guarantee you that the obesity issue in this country is far and away greater than the quantity of cheap alcoholics who only overindulge when someone else is paying. 


    I disagree that obesity is a bigger problem than alcoholism. In some ways they go hand in hand because alcohol is empty calories. Not to mention the outcome of something going wrong with alcohol is by far greater than overeating. 
  • At some point you have to realize that these people are adults, and treat them as such. It's not your job to decide how much someone can or cannot drink within reason. And if they want to be a drunken slob then that's on them. What makes you even worry about this though? I mean, my number 1 thought in regards to drinking is: "Will I have enough to please my guests?" not "How can I stop them from getting sloppy drunk and killing themselves?"
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