Wedding Etiquette Forum

Honeymoon registry-still tacky?

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Re: Honeymoon registry-still tacky?

  • Sorry, this thread is woefully bereft of gifs.

    I can't get GIF's to work.. But...
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  • Please insert the words "cooking set" into your point above and tell me how it is different

    A honeymoon is a non necessary, expensive trip. It is not a right, an entitlement, or a requirement to get married. Would you ask other people to pay for a non necessary, expensive trip at any other time in your life? Do you think it is a super special situation and exception to the rule because you are getting married? Spoiler alert: it's not.
  • So asking for 40 items in a store registry is a requirement to get married?

  • JoanE2012 said:


    Again ignoring the entire point... Are you getting paid to argue for honeymoon funds? Or are you really this dense?
    You don't call this rude?  If not, you've lost any credibility on the word "etiquette".

    Because you have been such a GREAT example, after all this and you still are just whining that people are rude to you on an Internet forum and not actually proving your point and giving a reasonable reason it is acceptable.. When you don't know the tone anyone is writing.. You get snarky here people get snarky back.. If you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen... I didn't say mine is the only way it can be done, and others have said if there is one where you actually use the money for said purchases then acceptable.. But you have not provided that site that doesn't skim off the top, or is for the actual excursions not money for them.. if you don't care that others think it is rude, then do you, but people will judge you that know the truth behind these sites... And again if it seems angry your fault, not mine...
    This seems like an example of people registering for experiences and things for their trip - https://www.wanderable.com/honeymoon_registry/98a80ccb

    I look at that site & think cool, but I'm probably missing the deceit and the horrible motives of that couple.  And yes, there's probably a fee in there somewhere.  Big deal.

    The experiences fine if you can book where your already going and what not, it seems like you can actually book an excursion for them.. But you can't see the places until you set up an account so not going that far.. The money side of it rude, it is still asking for money and they get charged a fee 2.5% and then the couple is charged 2.5%.. The fees are a big deal.. Say you have 100 guests, and they all pay $100 into the wedding fund.. That is $10,000, for the couple.. 2.5% of that is $250! Not only that there was a 2.5% charge to each credit card used to give you this money.. Fees add up quick $250 is a nice hotel stay, maybe a flight.. And I disagree with the "credit card fees are unavoidable" they are, cash, or check and deposit to my account.. Avoided..
    ok... I understand that fee bugs you.  IMO not a big deal.
    Don't you care about your money?  Why would you give a fee when you don't have to?  That doesn't seem too smart now, does it?  
    & we all know making sure you don't pay a fee is THE most important factor in giving someone a gift.  Really?
  • MGP said:

    MGP said:
    Last attempt. I don't have enough patience or wine to deal with this: A honeymoon is a non necessary, expensive trip. It is not a right, an entitlement, or a requirement to get married. Would you ask other people to pay for a non necessary, expensive trip at any other time in your life? Do you think it is a super special situation and exception to the rule because you are getting married? Spoiler alert: it's not. I don't give a flying fuck how established, modern, or cosmopolitan you make yourself out to be. It is never appropriate to ask people to pay for your vacations. Also money comes with strings. If I gift someone a helicopter ride, it better damn well be used for a helicopter ride. Anything else is deceitful. My money, my strings. Sorry not sorry.

    Is this person writing above also not angry? 

    & buying a cooking set is a right or an entitlement?  Spoiler alert - it's not.

    Angry at the fact that you want to argue for the sake of arguing? Yes. Angry in general? Not in the least. Buying a couple towels, cookware, or a toaster is WORLDS apart from contributing to their honeymoon. Those household items are not part of the wedding. As much as you don't want to admit it, a honeymoon IS part of the wedding. And it is horrendously rude for a couple to expect their guests to fund any part of their wedding. If you can sleep at night knowing that your guests have subsidized your wedding have at it. I just know that many people like myself could not. And for the record, wedding gifts are not required. So a couple who gets ANY gifts, whether on a registry or not, should be gracious and thankful for what they receive.
    Please explain how a cooking set is an entitlement.

    Wow, again really! It isn't an entitlement... No one has said it is.. I think it has been said yet again for 7-8 fucking pages that it is a list of items for IDEAS for gifts........
    The person was making the point that a hmoon trip is not an entitlement, so I was saying neither is a cooking set, which seems to be fine to everyone here, except one person who thought those were tack & rude too.
  • Please insert the words "cooking set" into your point above and tell me how it is different

    A honeymoon is a non necessary, expensive trip. It is not a right, an entitlement, or a requirement to get married. Would you ask other people to pay for a non necessary, expensive trip at any other time in your life? Do you think it is a super special situation and exception to the rule because you are getting married? Spoiler alert: it's not.

    Who the hell are you talking to?
    So asking for 40 items in a store registry is a requirement to get married?

    Again where is that said and by who!?!??
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  • So asking for 40 items in a store registry is a requirement to get married?
    OMG this has been covered to death in the last 8 pages.  Gift registries are just guidelines and they are a widely socially accepted practice.  HFs are a flat out ask for cash for a couple's vacation.  You're comparing two different things and not reading or internalizing the good answers that have been given as to why it's rude to ask for your wedding guests to pay for your vacation.  

    Again, just b/c you don't think something is rude doesn't mean it isn't.  Generally though, when you have a majority of people presenting one viewpoint, backed up by logic, etiquette rules, etc. and one person presenting the opposite viewpoint with circular arguments, divergence of logic, and irrelevant statements, it's safe to assume that the majority viewpoint would likely offend less people (ie, less wedding guests), so why wouldn't you want that?
  • Please insert the words "cooking set" into your point above and tell me how it is different

    A honeymoon is a non necessary, expensive trip. It is not a right, an entitlement, or a requirement to get married. Would you ask other people to pay for a non necessary, expensive trip at any other time in your life? Do you think it is a super special situation and exception to the rule because you are getting married? Spoiler alert: it's not.

    Who the hell are you talking to?
    So asking for 40 items in a store registry is a requirement to get married?

    Again where is that said and by who!?!??
    MGD made the comment about someone not being "entitled" to a honeymoon.
  • Please insert the words "cooking set" into your point above and tell me how it is different

    A honeymoon is a non necessary, expensive trip. It is not a right, an entitlement, or a requirement to get married. Would you ask other people to pay for a non necessary, expensive trip at any other time in your life? Do you think it is a super special situation and exception to the rule because you are getting married? Spoiler alert: it's not.

    Who the hell are you talking to?
    So asking for 40 items in a store registry is a requirement to get married?

    Again where is that said and by who!?!??
    MGD made the comment about someone not being "entitled" to a honeymoon.

    Good night all..
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  • Jesus, this fuckery is still going on?

    I give you all credit for trying to be voices of reason, but I think I hear the fat lady singing, gals.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • What. the. fuck. 

    Is there a TK policy against abusing dead horses? If so can we please invoke it?
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Please insert the words "cooking set" into your point above and tell me how it is different

    A honeymoon is a non necessary, expensive trip. It is not a right, an entitlement, or a requirement to get married. Would you ask other people to pay for a non necessary, expensive trip at any other time in your life? Do you think it is a super special situation and exception to the rule because you are getting married? Spoiler alert: it's not.

    Who the hell are you talking to?
    So asking for 40 items in a store registry is a requirement to get married?

    Again where is that said and by who!?!??
    How do you split up a quote like that?  Useful feature.
  • "All full of sound and fury, signifying nothing".
  • SP29 said:
    SP29 said:
    Oh my goodness.... so many valid points made here, so many ignored....

    I do think though that in general "we" need to be careful with the words "tacky" and "rude", because they are not the same. Tacky is of personal opinion. Rude relates to going against etiquette. Yes, someone can think having a gift registry is tacky- and if that is the case for yourself, then don't have one (they aren't a requirement), but they are not against etiquette. 

    Lots of posters are mixing up personal opinion and etiquette. Not the same.

    On these boards "we" continually state how PPDs, cash bars, gaps, and Stag and Does are rude. Yet there are many posters who at the same time *personally* don't really care. But this is still an etiquette board, so you're going to get the etiquette approved response (as shown on page 2, referencing Miss Manners). 

    The bottom line for a HM fund is that asking for cash is always against etiquette. Would it be different if the experiences listed were actually received? Probably. 

    I also think (yes, this is my opinion) that HM funds are pointless. Because they give the B&G cash, minus a fee. I often give cash gifts for a wedding. I don't need a HM fund to tell me that you might like cash. I'd rather give the B&G the full $200 versus $200 minus a fee. If the B&G then decide to use my cash gift towards their honeymoon- go for it! Just because a giver doesn't directly "purchase" off a HM fund doesn't mean the couple can't use their cash gifts towards a HM. 

    So to Knottie#s (seriously I wish all new posters had to choose an actual name, because it's really hard to keep track of who you are talking to and quote or "tag" people)- if you are happy with the B&G using your gift to whatever makes their hearts happy (which is cool- that's what a gift should be), why not just give cash in the first place? Why do you need a HM fund, that is going to take away from your gift and profit their company instead of the B&G, to give a cash gift? 


    An N of 1 is not "lots" to me.
    Well 2 on this thread. And I meant it in general, where we see posters (usually the OP) say, "but it doesn't bother me, so why can't I do it?"
    You're right, I missed one! ;-)
    Oh, the irony.
    Oh honey, I'm not trying to pass off my opinion as etiquette. I've been straight up telling you and Knottie#s what the actual etiquette is regarding registries and honeyfunds. . .because, you know, this is the Etiquette board. Banana and other PP'S have also been trying to explain to you both what is considered proper etiquette on the matter and why. Again, not their personal opinions, the actual etiquette. But you keep trying to be clever and cute now!
    And once again, you totally missed the point. The point that the other poster was making was that posters are mixing up etiquette with opinion. *I* am not mixing them up as I have stated in this very thread that registries in general are NOT against etiquette, but that I simply find them tacky. You're the one mixing them up as you're trying to school me on etiquette when etiquette isn't even my argument. You're the one who can't accept that people have opinions, that are perfectly valid, that things that may not be against etiquette are still tacky. This is why I've repeatedly used the word "tacky" when expressing my opinion, which is precisely what the poster you were replying to said (i.e. the difference between tacky and rude).

    So yeah, it is ironic that most of that post could be applied to you as you're the one mixing up etiquette and opinion, yet you still point fingers at others.
  • Omg
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  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2015

    JoanE2012 said:


    Again ignoring the entire point... Are you getting paid to argue for honeymoon funds? Or are you really this dense?
    You don't call this rude?  If not, you've lost any credibility on the word "etiquette".

    Because you have been such a GREAT example, after all this and you still are just whining that people are rude to you on an Internet forum and not actually proving your point and giving a reasonable reason it is acceptable.. When you don't know the tone anyone is writing.. You get snarky here people get snarky back.. If you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen... I didn't say mine is the only way it can be done, and others have said if there is one where you actually use the money for said purchases then acceptable.. But you have not provided that site that doesn't skim off the top, or is for the actual excursions not money for them.. if you don't care that others think it is rude, then do you, but people will judge you that know the truth behind these sites... And again if it seems angry your fault, not mine...
    This seems like an example of people registering for experiences and things for their trip - https://www.wanderable.com/honeymoon_registry/98a80ccb

    I look at that site & think cool, but I'm probably missing the deceit and the horrible motives of that couple.  And yes, there's probably a fee in there somewhere.  Big deal.

    The experiences fine if you can book where your already going and what not, it seems like you can actually book an excursion for them.. But you can't see the places until you set up an account so not going that far.. The money side of it rude, it is still asking for money and they get charged a fee 2.5% and then the couple is charged 2.5%.. The fees are a big deal.. Say you have 100 guests, and they all pay $100 into the wedding fund.. That is $10,000, for the couple.. 2.5% of that is $250! Not only that there was a 2.5% charge to each credit card used to give you this money.. Fees add up quick $250 is a nice hotel stay, maybe a flight.. And I disagree with the "credit card fees are unavoidable" they are, cash, or check and deposit to my account.. Avoided..
    ok... I understand that fee bugs you.  IMO not a big deal.
    Don't you care about your money?  Why would you give a fee when you don't have to?  That doesn't seem too smart now, does it?  
    & we all know making sure you don't pay a fee is THE most important factor in giving someone a gift.  Really?
    Well, it's kinda silly and stupid when it's so easy to avoid it!  I mean, come on, it doesn't take many brain cells to realize that writing a check or giving cash means you don't pay a fee and the couple gets more of their gift!  

    I hope you're a troll.  Because it's scary to think that someone doesn't get such an easy concept and would be willing to pay the fee rather than write a check or give cash.
  • No snowy, I'm not confused. I know what your opinion is. And it's not correct in the context of etiquette standards. . .which is what a bunch of us have been explaining. . .because this is the etiquette board. And we like to let ppl know what's generally accepted etiquette here.

    Since many people read these threads and lurk, beyond those who actually participate in the threads, and since this topic comes up all the time, I wanted to explain the difference between traditional registries and Honeyfunds, and why one is considered rude and the other isn't. Plus you opened the door to the discussion with your post, which is a good thing!

    I also thought initially that you and Knottie#s might be receptive to the info and perhaps rethink things a little. My bad. You do you.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • No snowy, I'm not confused. I know what your opinion is. And it's not correct in the context of etiquette standards.
    Good thing I'm not talking about etiquette then, isn't it? I'm giving my OPINION outside of etiquette, which I've now stated multiple times.
  • And once again, you totally missed the point. The point that the other poster was making was that posters are mixing up etiquette with opinion. *I* am not mixing them up as I have stated in this very thread that registries in general are NOT against etiquette, but that I simply find them tacky. You're the one mixing them up as you're trying to school me on etiquette when etiquette isn't even my argument. You're the one who can't accept that people have opinions, that are perfectly valid, that things that may not be against etiquette are still tacky. This is why I've repeatedly used the word "tacky" when expressing my opinion, which is precisely what the poster you were replying to said (i.e. the difference between tacky and rude).

    So yeah, it is ironic that most of that post could be applied to you as you're the one mixing up etiquette and opinion, yet you still point fingers at others.
    Exactly - perfectly fine to express the opinion that sthing is tacky & rude - different story to say it is a matter of the rules/etiquette that they are not acceptable & to force your *judgment* on someone else.

    Even in the world of etiquette "rules" there are many authorities, so you could find resources to back up many sides of a discussion.


  • No snowy, I'm not confused. I know what your opinion is. And it's not correct in the context of etiquette standards.

    Good thing I'm not talking about etiquette then, isn't it? I'm giving my OPINION outside of etiquette, which I've now stated multiple times.


    Yes, we know.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • But stating an opinion that goes against what's correct is a way to make a weak ground on which to stand.
  • banana468 said:
    But stating an opinion that goes against what's correct is a way to make a weak ground on which to stand.
    What's correct according to etiquette??? Huh? There are many things in-line with etiquette that people find tacky. In fact, the word exists to describe such things.
  • You guys keep pointing to Miss Manners as the bible on etiquette - but she says you are wrong on many things you are lecturing others about.  & she probably said many things you did / are doing at your wedding are etiquette transgressions. 

    Probably every resource on etiquette, including your fellow finger pointers, will say you are wrong on your etiquette facts.

  • banana468 said:
    But stating an opinion that goes against what's correct is a way to make a weak ground on which to stand.
    What's correct according to etiquette??? Huh? There are many things in-line with etiquette that people find tacky. In fact, the word exists to describe such things.
    Seconded.  No one is an authority on "what's correct", but you can have an opinion on the subject.
  • Okay so I've already commented on this, like 6 PAGES back, but I'm just going to restate with more detail why I think HM registries of any kind are rude.

    Like I said before, which probably has been lost and forgotten in the shuffle - I didn't go on a honeymoon.  We could not afford it.  So when you ask me for anything related to your honeymoon, it pisses me off.  And it makes no difference to me whether you get the check or the actual excursion.  I didn't get the option of going on a helicopter tour, or having drinks on the beach after dinner, or a snorkeling trip, or whatever else, and certainly would never have thought to ask ANYONE to buy any of those things for me, and it really bothers me when people ask me to buy them those things.  They are not necessary, and just because you're getting married you don't deserve to have people buy you those things, and I think you're an asshole to ask people when you know that some people can't afford to do those things for themselves.  It's the same thing when I see a $200 butter dish on a registry.  Screw you, because that's stupid, and f you for asking someone to buy that for you. I'll spend $200 off your registry if it is for something that should be $200 (like a good appliance), but not because you want an unnecessary luxury dish.

    And here's another thing, in regards to the "it doesn't bother me, so why can't I do it?" idea.  I personally don't get mad if I don't get a thank you note from someone, as long as they thank me in some way for it (in person, text, email, phone call, whatever).  I really, truly don't care.  HOWEVER, I know that even though it doesn't bother me, I still need to send thank you notes.  Because manners.
  • PupatellaPupatella member
    Combo Breaker First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2015
    Wow I am in shock that this is still going on.

    Knottie1440377846 let me try a real life example with you that is a real life example from my office. 

    Coworker A got married in May. She set up a registry at Bed Bath and Beyond and Target. At work, we were passing around her registry information via email so we could CHOOSE to buy her and her FI a gift. No one said anything about her registry being tacky. It was simply "Hey, coworker A is getting married and if you want to send her something, here's her registry info".

    Coworker B is getting married this December. She set up a HoneyFund registry. At work, the registry is still being passed around, but with a lot of comments about "hey look at how rude / tacky this shit is". Tons of comments and gossip is going on about this registry. And funny enough, the MEN in the office are the ones that started passing around the registry and commenting on how rude and tacky it is.

    Wouldn't you rather hear on a board where no one knows you, that they think a honeymoon registry is tacky or rude? This will prevent people saying potentially hurtful things behind your back.

    ETA: Very few people at work were invited to either coworker A or coworker B's weddings (my office is huge, and our group is about 80-90 people). I wasn't invited to coworker A or coworker B's weddings, but I still bought coworker A an item off of her registry, and I know a lot of other coworkers who bought coworker A a registry gift as well. Coworker B I'm not sure how it will play out, but so far the HoneyFund has actually been a deterrent for gifting.

  • kkitkat79kkitkat79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2015
    Knottie#, it is against etiquette to register for money. Most honeymoon registries are set up in such a way that the actual gift for which a couple is registering is money. Since it is against etiquette to register for money honeymoon registries are against etiquette. 

    I believe (and people will correct me if I am wrong) that if a honeymoon registry is set up in such a way that the couple gets the actual experience then that's fine. For example, if a couple is registered for a helicopter ride and they get a voucher for the helicopter ride that's fine.

    If you are not willing to concede that registering for money is against etiquette then this argument is pointless. It is a fact that asking for money is a violation of etiquette standards. You don't have to like it, but it is what it is. 
    Anniversary
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