Wedding Etiquette Forum

Honeymoon registry-still tacky?

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Re: Honeymoon registry-still tacky?

  • MGPMGP member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2015
    Christ on a cracker this discussion is still going?  I will try and boil it down again:

    It is incredibly rude, tacky, disrespectful, offensive, against etiquette, and a slap in the face to their guests when a couple books an unnecessary vacation way outside their budget and then has the balls to ask other people who also cannot afford it to help pay for it.  I guarantee that the non-affordability of the trip applies to about 98% of the Honeyfunders and their guests out there.

    Do you buy a $50,000 car and ask your coworkers driving $5000 cars to help you with the payments as a birthday present?
    Do you buy a 5 bedroom house and ask your friends living in 2 bedroom apartments to help you with the mortgage as a graduation present?
    It's the same fucking thing!

    Someone try and argue against that.  I dare you!  :)
  •  
    MGP said:
    Christ on a cracker this discussion is still going?  I will try and boil it down again:

    It is incredibly rude, tacky, disrespectful, offensive, against etiquette, and a slap in the face to their guests when a couple books an unnecessary vacation way outside their budget and then has the balls to ask other people who also cannot afford it to help pay for it.  I guarantee that the non-affordability of the trip applies to about 98% of the Honeyfunders and their guests out there.

    Do you buy a $50,000 car and ask your coworkers driving $5000 cars to help you with the payments as a birthday present?
    Do you buy a 5 bedroom house and ask your friends living in 2 bedroom apartments to help you with the mortgage as a graduation present?
    It's the same fucking thing!

    Someone try and argue against that.  I dare you!  :)
    What if they register for household items they can't afford - you seem to think that's ok.   As before, just stick the word cooking set in your angry, judgment passing diatribes and it comes out the same.





  • kkitkat79 said:
    Knottie#, it is against etiquette to register for money. Most honeymoon registries are set up in such a way that the actual gift for which a couple is registering is money. Since it is against etiquette to register for money honeymoon registries are against etiquette. 

    I believe (and people will correct me if I am wrong) that if a honeymoon registry is set up in such a way that the couple gets the actual experience then that's fine. For example, if a couple is registered for a helicopter ride and they get a voucher for the helicopter ride that's fine.

    If you are not willing to concede that registering for money is against etiquette then this argument is pointless. It is a fact that asking for money is a violation of etiquette standards. You don't have to like it, but it is what it is. 
    So is having a gift registry and many other seemingly "approved" activities.  You can find resources to say just about anything is or is not against etiquette.

    The best argument you can logically make is that they are rude as a matter of opinion.  Which I disagree with *imho*.
  • Lots of anger, jealousy, self-righteousness, judgment passing and inability to see the larger picture here - Not a crew I want to get my info on what's proper from.

    Anyone coming to this thread late, assuming you don't invite a gaggle of small-minded b*tches more concerned about their own sanctimonious opinions on how to act than enjoying your wedding, honeymoon registries and any other type of registry will be fine if that's what you want to do. My opinion, which is as valid an everyone else's here.

  • Not really, but you sure are persistant.
  • Here is the solution if someone commits the classless sin of having a hmoon (or other) registry. 
    Don't get them anything there, get them something else.  Or don't get them anything at all.

    Problem solved. 

    & without any of that ugly bad mojo.
  • Lots of anger, jealousy, self-righteousness, judgment passing and inability to see the larger picture here - Not a crew I want to get my info on what's proper from.

    Anyone coming to this thread late, assuming you don't invite a gaggle of small-minded b*tches more concerned about their own sanctimonious opinions on how to act than enjoying your wedding, honeymoon registries and any other type of registry will be fine if that's what you want to do. My opinion, which is as valid an everyone else's here.



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  • Lots of anger, jealousy, self-righteousness, judgment passing and inability to see the larger picture here - Not a crew I want to get my info on what's proper from.

    Anyone coming to this thread late, assuming you don't invite a gaggle of small-minded b*tches more concerned about their own sanctimonious opinions on how to act than enjoying your wedding, honeymoon registries and any other type of registry will be fine if that's what you want to do. My opinion, which is as valid an everyone else's here.



    Didn't attach picture...

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  • Here is the solution if someone commits the classless sin of having a hmoon (or other) registry. 
    Don't get them anything there, get them something else.  Or don't get them anything at all.

    Problem solved. 

    & without any of that ugly bad mojo.


    Or not be rude, and ask for money!? It's simple really..
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  • Here is the solution if someone commits the classless sin of having a hmoon (or other) registry. 
    Don't get them anything there, get them something else.  Or don't get them anything at all.

    Problem solved. 

    & without any of that ugly bad mojo.
    Or not be rude, and ask for money!? It's simple really..
    Just giving a suggestion of how to deal with such a big problem in your eyes, because it's going to happen again given the trends...


  • Here is the solution if someone commits the classless sin of having a hmoon (or other) registry. 
    Don't get them anything there, get them something else.  Or don't get them anything at all.

    Problem solved. 

    & without any of that ugly bad mojo.


    Or not be rude, and ask for money!? It's simple really..

    Just giving a suggestion of how to deal with such a big problem in your eyes, because it's going to happen again given the trends...


    I believe that many of them have said that they are doing that, or the couple has many guests that are just not getting them anything.

    So as advice to someone about to get married, the MAJORITY opinion is they are rude, which as we have pointed out many times is different than tacky.. So the OP asked if they are tacky, majority opinion = yes.. And this majority opinion will apply to your guest list..


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  • @Knottie1440377846 so I'm genuinely curious, have you and your FI signed up for a honeymoon registry? Or are you just debating because a lot of your friends do it and you see nothing wrong with it?

    If you and your FI are doing a honeymoon registry, are you also doing a regular gift registry? Also, are you actually going to do the helicopter ride or other experiences that you have asked for?

    What happens if not enough people contribute to your honeymoon fund? Can you and FI still afford to go on the honeymoon?

    I'm not saying any of the above in an argumentative tone. I'm genuinely curious to better understand where you are coming from.

  •  


    MGP said:

    Christ on a cracker this discussion is still going?  I will try and boil it down again:

    It is incredibly rude, tacky, disrespectful, offensive, against etiquette, and a slap in the face to their guests when a couple books an unnecessary vacation way outside their budget and then has the balls to ask other people who also cannot afford it to help pay for it.  I guarantee that the non-affordability of the trip applies to about 98% of the Honeyfunders and their guests out there.

    Do you buy a $50,000 car and ask your coworkers driving $5000 cars to help you with the payments as a birthday present?
    Do you buy a 5 bedroom house and ask your friends living in 2 bedroom apartments to help you with the mortgage as a graduation present?
    It's the same fucking thing!

    Someone try and argue against that.  I dare you!  :)

    What if they register for household items they can't afford - you seem to think that's ok.   As before, just stick the word cooking set in your angry, judgment passing diatribes and it comes out the same.






    I never said that. Where on Earth did I say that??? For the record I think it's inappropriate to register for anything you or your guest list cannot reasonably afford - cooking set, vacation, or otherwise. The crux of this issue that you have not yet grasped is that the honeymoon is part of the wedding budget so it is super rude to ask your guests to contribute to ANY part of your wedding.

    You are confusing my anger with exasperation BTW.
  • kkitkat79kkitkat79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2015


    So is having a gift registry and many other seemingly "approved" activities.  You can find resources to say just about anything is or is not against etiquette.

    The best argument you can logically make is that they are rude as a matter of opinion.  Which I disagree with *imho*.
     

    There is a difference between registering for things and registering for money. In general, when it comes to gift registry, it is against etiquette to specify what kinds of gifts you would like to receive. The reason for this is the notion that gifts should never be expected and any and all gifts should be accepted with gratitude. Would you agree with this?  

    When you register for X (X not being money) you are not saying "I would like X", you are saying "if you want to buy an X for me, I would like the X to be pink." The reason why this is ok is because we assume that the gift-giver, once they decided to give you a gift, would like to give you something that you would have a use for. There is no way for the gift-giver to know that you would have a use for a pink X, but not a green X. By specifying your preference for color, you're providing useful information for the convenience of the gift-giver. You are in no way indicating that you expect the gift-giver to give you X.

    When you register for money you are saying "I would like money". Since it is against etiquette to specify what kind of gifts you would like, saying "I would like money" is against etiquette. One could claim that you are simply providing useful information indicating that money is an acceptable gift. As stated above, it is already known that any gift is acceptable - there is no need to indicate that.  

    Going back to honeymoon registries that are set up in such a way that in effect the couple is registered for money (I am talking about the registries that send out cash). If you concede that registering for money is against etiquette (for reasons I outlined above) then cash honeymoon registries are against etiquette by default because they are in effect money registries.

    ETA: or what @APDSS22 said.
    Anniversary

  • Again ignoring the entire point... Are you getting paid to argue for honeymoon funds? Or are you really this dense?
    You don't call this rude?  If not, you've lost any credibility on the word "etiquette".

    Because you have been such a GREAT example, after all this and you still are just whining that people are rude to you on an Internet forum and not actually proving your point and giving a reasonable reason it is acceptable.. When you don't know the tone anyone is writing.. You get snarky here people get snarky back.. If you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen... I didn't say mine is the only way it can be done, and others have said if there is one where you actually use the money for said purchases then acceptable.. But you have not provided that site that doesn't skim off the top, or is for the actual excursions not money for them.. if you don't care that others think it is rude, then do you, but people will judge you that know the truth behind these sites... And again if it seems angry your fault, not mine...
    This seems like an example of people registering for experiences and things for their trip - https://www.wanderable.com/honeymoon_registry/98a80ccb

    I look at that site & think cool, but I'm probably missing the deceit and the horrible motives of that couple.  And yes, there's probably a fee in there somewhere.  Big deal.
    Are you saying that you believe this site to be legitimately gifting the couple the experiences? Because with just a little browsing around I found this:

    "Join us as we reimagine the honeymoon registry for the modern couple. You decide how you want to receive your gifts. Whether you pick fee-free gift cards, direct deposit, or mailed check, you and your guests are protected with our safety measures." LINK

    and also this:

    "Flights to France -
    Quantity desired: 89 @ $40" LINK


    So... you reckon this couple is registered for 89 flights to Paris? They're either registering for the cost of flying their guests there - and I hope I don't have to explain why that's rude and ridiculous - or they're saying, "give us this much money!"

    Nice try,

    Honestly, do you really think it's even likely that any site would actually offer a registry for experiences? How would that work exactly? Other people are now in control of the couple's schedule? What if the couple can't fit in all the experiences their guests have bought for them? What if one of them gets sick when they're scheduled to take their helicopter ride? What if it's pouring the day they're supposed to go on their fancy hike with deluxe picnic basket? What if they want to change their minds about something? You think a site exists which allows third parties to lock a couple into some set of experiences that they may now have to spend half their time managing and re-scheduling and exchanging and working around? Or do you think maybe, just maybe, ALL such sites are simply doling out cash, sans fees?

    Surrender the fantasy.
    image
  • These are my feelings on this thread...
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  • I've been lurking on this thread until now, but I have to ask: why in the world are you so persistent here, Knottie#'s? 

    Do you own/work at a Honeyfund and want to actually convince people that your livelihood doesn't hinge on convincing others to be rude? In which case this is all hilarious.

    Did you already have a Honeyfund and want validation? Are you having a Honeyfund and feel the real need for strangers on the internet to validate you even though you know it's wrong?

    Seriously, you're not even the OP. You're just super passionate about honeyfunds? SMH
  • kkitkat79 said:


    So is having a gift registry and many other seemingly "approved" activities.  You can find resources to say just about anything is or is not against etiquette.

    The best argument you can logically make is that they are rude as a matter of opinion.  Which I disagree with *imho*.
     

    There is a difference between registering for things and registering for money. In general, when it comes to gift registry, it is against etiquette to specify what kinds of gifts you would like to receive. The reason for this is the notion that gifts should never be expected and any and all gifts should be accepted with gratitude. Would you agree with this?  

    When you register for X (X not being money) you are not saying "I would like X", you are saying "if you want to buy an X for me, I would like the X to be pink." The reason why this is ok is because we assume that the gift-giver, once they decided to give you a gift, would like to give you something that you would have a use for. There is no way for the gift-giver to know that you would have a use for a pink X, but not a green X. By specifying your preference for color, you're providing useful information for the convenience of the gift-giver. You are in no way indicating that you expect the gift-giver to give you X.

    When you register for money you are saying "I would like money". Since it is against etiquette to specify what kind of gifts you would like, saying "I would like money" is against etiquette. One could claim that you are simply providing useful information indicating that money is an acceptable gift. As stated above, it is already known that any gift is acceptable - there is no need to indicate that.  

    Going back to honeymoon registries that are set up in such a way that in effect the couple is registered for money (I am talking about the registries that send out cash). If you concede that registering for money is against etiquette (for reasons I outlined above) then cash honeymoon registries are against etiquette by default because they are in effect money registries.

    ETA: or what @APDSS22 said.
    Done responding to people with an attitude - happy to discuss with people who are civil and are genuinely trying to make an argument, as you seem to be.  Appreciate that.  Let's keep it friendly. 

    To anyone who asks or think I have a hidden agenda, I do not work for a honeymoon registry.  I asked a friend of mine who has been to many more weddings recently than I have what she recommended and she suggested a honeymoon registry.  When I googled what they were and who the main sites were, I came across this thread.  That's when I posted.  

    Back to your points, which I think are valid.  Personally, I think a super small % of wedding attendees would look at a registry and assume it's a guideline - the registries I've seen all say "bought" all over the place.  I've never seen one where I thought it was a guideline, but what the couple actually wanted you to get them.  Of course, there is also the presumption that you can get them something else, or pass altogether if you feel that's the right move.

    Plus, you probably know that Miss Manners, referred to by someone here at the "bible" of proper etiquette, hated registries and that a gift registry is considered against etiquette according to "Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding."  There are alot of other things in that bible that are probably in direct contrast to most people's proclamation of what proper etiquette is.  In fact, they disapprove of most of the wedding ecosystem that I'm sure people here used themselves.

    Not saying that all registries being against etiquette makes Hmoon registries proper etiquette, just saying I don't agree with that particular bible.  I don't really agree with Emily Post on alot of things & they say Hmoon registries are fine.  It is at best a matter of opinion in my view.  If you want to argue etiquette, you at best can pick a source or your *personal* view of proper etiquette.  It is not a law and it is by no means clear.

    And I haven't heard a civil argument that makes sense to me why they're so bad.  My view and my personal view on on etiquette / opinion is that they're fine.

    Thanks for the discussion, though.  No harm meant by my comments.





    Also, keep in mind that the accepted norms of society change over time.




  • arrippaarrippa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2015
    This thread

     

    image

     

    </
  • edited September 2015

    kkitkat79 said:


    So is having a gift registry and many other seemingly "approved" activities.  You can find resources to say just about anything is or is not against etiquette.

    The best argument you can logically make is that they are rude as a matter of opinion.  Which I disagree with *imho*.
     

    There is a difference between registering for things and registering for money. In general, when it comes to gift registry, it is against etiquette to specify what kinds of gifts you would like to receive. The reason for this is the notion that gifts should never be expected and any and all gifts should be accepted with gratitude. Would you agree with this?  

    When you register for X (X not being money) you are not saying "I would like X", you are saying "if you want to buy an X for me, I would like the X to be pink." The reason why this is ok is because we assume that the gift-giver, once they decided to give you a gift, would like to give you something that you would have a use for. There is no way for the gift-giver to know that you would have a use for a pink X, but not a green X. By specifying your preference for color, you're providing useful information for the convenience of the gift-giver. You are in no way indicating that you expect the gift-giver to give you X.

    When you register for money you are saying "I would like money". Since it is against etiquette to specify what kind of gifts you would like, saying "I would like money" is against etiquette. One could claim that you are simply providing useful information indicating that money is an acceptable gift. As stated above, it is already known that any gift is acceptable - there is no need to indicate that.  

    Going back to honeymoon registries that are set up in such a way that in effect the couple is registered for money (I am talking about the registries that send out cash). If you concede that registering for money is against etiquette (for reasons I outlined above) then cash honeymoon registries are against etiquette by default because they are in effect money registries.

    ETA: or what @APDSS22 said.

    Back to your points, which I think are valid.  Personally, I think a super small % of wedding attendees would look at a registry and assume it's a guideline - the registries I've seen all say "bought" all over the place.  I've never seen one where I thought it was a guideline, but what the couple actually wanted you to get them.  Of course, there is also the presumption that you can get them something else, or pass altogether if you feel that's the right move.






    What sign are you looking for on a registry that *would* indicate to you that they are a guideline?  I don't get it.  I'm seriously baffled by this line of thought. . .it makes no sense to me.

    Registries are *always* a guideline, just like any other wishlist one might create- no one has to buy anything from them, ever.  And the couple has no way to force anyone to buy from the registry.

    The fact that the registries you have looked at say "bought" all over them is because other people chose to buy from the registry.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • arrippa said:
    This thread

     

    image

     

    Did Knottie#s get to BINGO yet? I know we are rude and mean, but anything else? I can't be bothered to read the responses, but the GIFs are great!

  • kkitkat79 said:


    So is having a gift registry and many other seemingly "approved" activities.  You can find resources to say just about anything is or is not against etiquette.

    The best argument you can logically make is that they are rude as a matter of opinion.  Which I disagree with *imho*.
     



    Registries are *always* a guideline, just like any other wishlist one might create- no one has to buy anything from them, ever.  And the couple has no way to force anyone to buy from the registry.


    Same for a Hmoon Registry.
  • kkitkat79 said:


    So is having a gift registry and many other seemingly "approved" activities.  You can find resources to say just about anything is or is not against etiquette.

    The best argument you can logically make is that they are rude as a matter of opinion.  Which I disagree with *imho*.
     

    There is a difference between registering for things and registering for money. In general, when it comes to gift registry, it is against etiquette to specify what kinds of gifts you would like to receive. The reason for this is the notion that gifts should never be expected and any and all gifts should be accepted with gratitude. Would you agree with this?  

    When you register for X (X not being money) you are not saying "I would like X", you are saying "if you want to buy an X for me, I would like the X to be pink." The reason why this is ok is because we assume that the gift-giver, once they decided to give you a gift, would like to give you something that you would have a use for. There is no way for the gift-giver to know that you would have a use for a pink X, but not a green X. By specifying your preference for color, you're providing useful information for the convenience of the gift-giver. You are in no way indicating that you expect the gift-giver to give you X.

    When you register for money you are saying "I would like money". Since it is against etiquette to specify what kind of gifts you would like, saying "I would like money" is against etiquette. One could claim that you are simply providing useful information indicating that money is an acceptable gift. As stated above, it is already known that any gift is acceptable - there is no need to indicate that.  

    Going back to honeymoon registries that are set up in such a way that in effect the couple is registered for money (I am talking about the registries that send out cash). If you concede that registering for money is against etiquette (for reasons I outlined above) then cash honeymoon registries are against etiquette by default because they are in effect money registries.

    ETA: or what @APDSS22 said.
    Done responding to people with an attitude - happy to discuss with people who are civil and are genuinely trying to make an argument, as you seem to be.  Appreciate that.  Let's keep it friendly. 

    To anyone who asks or think I have a hidden agenda, I do not work for a honeymoon registry.  I asked a friend of mine who has been to many more weddings recently than I have what she recommended and she suggested a honeymoon registry.  When I googled what they were and who the main sites were, I came across this thread.  That's when I posted.  

    Back to your points, which I think are valid.  Personally, I think a super small % of wedding attendees would look at a registry and assume it's a guideline - the registries I've seen all say "bought" all over the place.  I've never seen one where I thought it was a guideline, but what the couple actually wanted you to get them.  Of course, there is also the presumption that you can get them something else, or pass altogether if you feel that's the right move.

    Plus, you probably know that Miss Manners, referred to by someone here at the "bible" of proper etiquette, hated registries and that a gift registry is considered against etiquette according to "Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding."  There are alot of other things in that bible that are probably in direct contrast to most people's proclamation of what proper etiquette is.  In fact, they disapprove of most of the wedding ecosystem that I'm sure people here used themselves.

    Not saying that all registries being against etiquette makes Hmoon registries proper etiquette, just saying I don't agree with that particular bible.  I don't really agree with Emily Post on alot of things & they say Hmoon registries are fine.  It is at best a matter of opinion in my view.  If you want to argue etiquette, you at best can pick a source or your *personal* view of proper etiquette.  It is not a law and it is by no means clear.

    And I haven't heard a civil argument that makes sense to me why they're so bad.  My view and my personal view on on etiquette / opinion is that they're fine.

    Thanks for the discussion, though.  No harm meant by my comments.





    Also, keep in mind that the accepted norms of society change over time.




    but you can call people bitches, but your not rude.. sure.........
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