to invite or not to invite

LondonLisa · March 2017

VADI said:

KwikSilver said:

Listen, I'm divorced, for a short time my ex tried to use the kids against me, but I never allowed that. I bowed to his wishes, I was constantly the bigger person, I never put them in the middle. Some people were furious that I accepted such a "raw deal" but my kids are a million times more important than being petty and spiteful. I took the high road 100% of the time.

My dad and I haven't spoken in over 12 years. When my ex and I split 7 years ago, my dads wife reached out to my ex on FB "just to see pictures of the kids". Do you know what he did? He politely stated that he wasn't getting involved and that if they wanted to see the kids they should speak to me directly. Even if he had a good relationship with them, that is the appropriate response.

Frankly, it doesn't matter how crazy or horrible or unhinged this woman is. You're stuck with her. For at least the next 14 years she is a part of your life, so you'd better figure out how to live with her in a way that is polite, honest, and cordial. The kid might be fine now, but heed my words, he won't be when he gets older. My kids have gone to all kinds of counselling and therapy because of our divorce, and ours was and is EXTREMELY amicable. Like, I have their dad over for Christmas dinner and we go over there. Even though their dad and I are good friends, they still have a hard time with it at some points. My daughter is almost 13 and she came to me in tears the other day because sometimes it's still hard for her.

Stop being ridiculous, find a way to live with the mother, and never again put the child in a situation where he might "slip up" and share information the mother isn't aware of. By the sounds of her, she would actually be extremely upset if she knew about her parents seeing the child. That actually makes this story WORSE not more justifiable.

I can appreciate that - if biomom had told FI there was a reason she didn't want the kid around them, I'm sure the situation would have been handled differently. He had no reason to discontinue the visits with her parents - he lessened them out of respect for me, even though it never bothered me.

She'd be extremely upset anyway. It's just the type of person he is. She got upset with FI because he returned his son to her in different pants than he'd left her house for daycare with. She yelled at him during the drop off. She texted him like mad for 15 minutes afterwards, and tried calling to continue the bitching.

He was wearing different pants, because he'd had a potty accident and FI didn't have time to wash the pants, as it was 10 minutes before leaving our place for hers... and she's even MORE unhinged it FI shows up even at 7:47pm rather than 7:45pm...

I don't expect ya'll to understand the dynamic between them, but I don't see why I should justify it. I don't have to have anything to do with her - their child is between her and FI. Anything that involves me is done to support my FI, and because I do love the kid... but it's not to be mistaken with obligation.

Holy fucking shit you are a terrible person. You are joining HIS family (fi and his child). You have a 100% obligation to treat the bio parents with respect and respect their wishes. You are 100% obligated to make decisions that are in the best interest of the child. You are 100% obligated to make sure that they are cared for in the agreed manner, even if it ruins your plans. If you love this child, quit slagging off his mother and maybe try to act like you have a semblance of decency or good parenting skills even though everything you have said before proves otherwise.

Mum, on the otherhand, has no obligation to you to tell you why she doesn't want the grandparents around. She doesn't want it. End. Of. Story.

Frankly quit digging your hole, and maybe do some self reflection if you really want to be a good stepparent. Because it's not fair on your fi or the child to carry on being the selfish, grade a certified jerk that is reflected in your behaviour.

mollybarker11 · March 2017

K I lied about not touching this issue.

It does not matter how you found out that BM doesn't want her parents around SS. Yes, she absolutely should have been the one to tell FI in order to ensure he was aware of the situation, but FI found out through the grandparents anyway.

Doesn't matter if you found out from her. Doesn't matter if you found out from them. Doesn't matter if you found out from a carrier pigeon or singing telegram. You know BM's wishes and, instead of checking in with her to get on the same page, you deliberately acted in opposition of them thinking "she may never even know". It's sneaky and trashy and gross.

I get that you & FI have a shitty relationship with BM. I get that you think she's a dramatic piece of work, maybe she is. But you guys are acting horrendously and throwing limp excuses in every direction.

sparklepants41 · March 2017

Here's my wedding advice:

1. Your stepson is 4 years old.
2. Four-year-olds need to be supervised.
3. It is against etiquette to "voluntell" your wedding guests to work (watch children) when they should be treated as honored guests.
4. If your FI's ex/stepson's mother does not want her parents watching her children, it is not up to you or your FI to decide whether or not this is for "petty" reasons. As PPs have said, perhaps there are deeper issues that she does not want to get into. If that's the case, these issues are none of your business. As the child's mother, her wishes should be respected. As a biological mother yourself, you should acknowledge this (Golden Rule and all).
5. Your FI/DH/stepson's father and you are responsible for watching and caring for your stepson while he is in your custody. I recognize you want your stepson at the wedding for pictures but if neither of you want to supervise him during your reception, you don't want to respect your stepson's mother's wishes regarding who she will not allow watch her child, you don't want her to pick up her son, and you don't want to ask her who she would be comfortable having watch her son, then the solution is pretty simple: you should just not invite the son. Work out an alternate custody arrangement for the weekend of your wedding with the mother.

charlotte989875 · March 2017

Curious what you're going to tell the 4 year old to say when his Mom asks how his night with his father went, and he stayed with her parents? Are you going to tell him to lie?

Honestly, you may be following the letter of the law (custody agreement), but clearly violating the spirit of it. Yes, alternative arrangements are allowed (as per your PP with notification of the other parent), but you know she doesn't want her son with his grandparents. So, sure technically it might be permissible, but really you're doing something you know will upset her and not informing her of where he son will be.

I think you know what you're thinking of doing is wrong, but either you don't care, or want validation that it really isn't that. You're unlikely to find either of those things here.

kaos16 · March 2017

banana468 said:

VADI said:

levioosa said:

Uh huh. I'm sure if the judge found out that the kid had been going to random sleepovers not at FI's house it would totes be okay because it was on FI's time. I don't need to have a child or experience to know what you are saying is pretty fucking shitty. And it doesn't exactly sound like FI tries to communicate with biomes about coparenting. He's trying to let his four year old spill the beans about the grandparents to biomom. Fucking really? Grow up.

It's not a random sleepover, it's a sleepover at the grandparents house. Which the kid has done before. Many times.

I'm sure the kid has already mentioned it to his mother. She hasn't said anything.

Stuck here in the box. It doesn't matter. If he's following the agreement to the letter then he doesn't get to pick a new place for the kid to sleep.

Also, on a complete side note, the Immaculate Conception was Mary's conception because she was born without sin. Jesus was born through virgin birth. So calling something an immaculate conception still implies that sex is involved. The more you know.....

Whoops! Thank you for the correction.

as a side note. . . . OP, see what I did there. Someone called me out on something I said or did that was wrong. I acknowledged my wrong doing and thanked the person that helped me see my error. Learn from me. Not everything has to be a battle just to be a battle.

redoryx · March 2017

VADI said:

banana468 said:

VADI said:

levioosa said:

Uh huh. I'm sure if the judge found out that the kid had been going to random sleepovers not at FI's house it would totes be okay because it was on FI's time. I don't need to have a child or experience to know what you are saying is pretty fucking shitty. And it doesn't exactly sound like FI tries to communicate with biomes about coparenting. He's trying to let his four year old spill the beans about the grandparents to biomom. Fucking really? Grow up.

It's not a random sleepover, it's a sleepover at the grandparents house. Which the kid has done before. Many times.

I'm sure the kid has already mentioned it to his mother. She hasn't said anything.

Stuck here in the box. It doesn't matter. If he's following the agreement to the letter then he doesn't get to pick a new place for the kid to sleep.

Also, on a complete side note, the Immaculate Conception was Mary's conception because she was born without sin. Jesus was born through virgin birth. So calling something an immaculate conception still implies that sex is involved. The more you know.....

The custody order doesn't say anything about the child being required to sleep at the parent's home. It does, however, indicate that should the child be on extended alternate care, the other parent requires 24 hours notice.

So, then, you need to tell his mom that he's going to be spending the night at his grandparent's house, knowing she doesn't want him over there.

yeah, good luck with that one.

Heffalump · March 2017

Wow. This really blew up while I was working today. I have thoughts.

1. Ditto on PP re: "She trapped him!" Are you serious? Unless she was harvesting sperm from discarded condoms and turkey basting it, you need to sit down now.

2. Of course parents have sex when their kids are on the premises, or the world would be like 90% only children. Trust me, there is a good 45 minutes or so between the time they finally fall asleep and when you do (despite your best efforts). The key is to use that time wisely.

3. I'm genuinely sad for this little boy. It must be miserable to feel unwanted in your own home--and that's exactly what your household with your FI is, SS's home. I don't understand why this is your hill to die on, especially for a second wedding. You've been married, you're not a virgin, you have kids--you should know the drill by now.

4. People have given you a lot of great, straightforward solutions. Try one of those. No one is going to tell you "Oh, go ahead and lie to his mother, who cares?" So you can give up on that plan.

5. I really don't get how the Forbidden Grandparents plan is supposed to work IRL. Yesterday, at bedtime my 7 y.o. confessed that when I said she could have 2 cookies, she actually took 3. Kids can't lie even when it's in their own self interest, let alone when they're trying to keep up with unnecessary family drama.

I'm not one to run for the "OMG, you shouldn't get married!" bandwagon, but I'm sorely tempted right now.

Jells2dot0 · March 2017

Whoa.

Late to enter here, but speaking from personal experience, I recommend waiting to get married. When I met my H, his kids were 13 and 10. I stepped into teenage girl hell and he and I did not see eye to eye on how certain things should be dealt with. His oldest was extremely unstable and the new relationship seemed to give her more reason to play her parents against each other. We often fought because I felt he was enabling and he felt guilty. So, even though we knew we wanted to marry, we waited until she was 18 and out of high school to get engaged. She was no longer living at home, had grown some (though not much) and custody/visitation was no longer an issue. It was really the best decision for us and for the kids.

lnixon8 · March 2017

BREAKING NEWS! Sometimes children change your ~*perfect wedding vision*~.

Srs too much to quote myself and others but you need to find someone else willing to watch the little boy and have him sleep over or drop off at BM house but it has to be okay by BM.

I imagine there are people you and your FI that you don't trust and don't want your children to be under their care. Maybe its something as simple she doesn't trust bioparents to drive and stay sober after a wedding. You need to TRY to be empathetic.

missJeanLouise · March 2017

I understand why BM would need to know specifics of what the kid is eating/ doing/ staying, because you and your FI play games. You bring the drama on yourselves because you hide things. She probably has to ask very specific questions because otherwise she doesn't get all of the information. 'We didn't tell her because she didn't ask' type shit.

how fucking hard is it?
"what did jimmy eat today?"
"a turkey sandwich, pears, and a pudding cup"
I often ask DH what he had for lunch so I get an idea what to make for dinner, already has pasta today? We'll have soup tonight.

Obviously, she doesn't trust you or your FI. (Also, does your FI not own a car seat?? Why would she need to come watch the kid while he goes to the store for 15minutes? Couldn't you go to the store instead of him? WTF would he think it was okay to leaving the baby with the roommate instead of taking the child with him??) And why should she when you purposefully hide things from her and leave her child with people she doesn't approve of?

[Deleted User] · March 2017

if I wanted parenting/step-parenting advice, I'd be on that type of board -- so ya'll can respectfully back off that topic.

DrillSergeantCat · March 2017

missJeanLouise said:

I understand why BM would need to know specifics of what the kid is eating/ doing/ staying, because you and your FI play games. You bring the drama on yourselves because you hide things. She probably has to ask very specific questions because otherwise she doesn't get all of the information. 'We didn't tell her because she didn't ask' type shit.

how fucking hard is it?
"what did jimmy eat today?"
"a turkey sandwich, pears, and a pudding cup"
I often ask DH what he had for lunch so I get an idea what to make for dinner, already has pasta today? We'll have soup tonight.

Obviously, she doesn't trust you or your FI. (Also, does your FI not own a car seat?? Why would she need to come watch the kid while he goes to the store for 15minutes? Couldn't you go to the store instead of him? WTF would he think it was okay to leaving the baby with the roommate instead of taking the child with him??) And why should she when you purposefully hide things from her and leave her child with people she doesn't approve of?

I would NOT be okay with roommate watching my children for any length of time. I don't feel like it's out of the realm of normal to want to know who they will be spending long lengths of time with.

I really feel like it would be in everyone's best interests (child's especially) for all the adults to sit down together and get to know each other. There's so much infighting going on and I promise your SS knows something is wrong. I'm not saying you all have to be best friends, but being cordial would be a start.VADI said:

if I wanted parenting/step-parenting advice, I'd be on that type of board -- so ya'll can respectfully back off that topic.

Not going to happen. When you post on a public forum, the community members will discuss what they choose to discuss from that post. In this case, several of us have chosen to give you advice on step-parenting. It can be frustrating (I know it happened to me on my first post) but it's all done with a sense of helpfulness and the advice I got was fantastic and well-warranted.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

DrillSergeantCat said:

if I wanted parenting/step-parenting advice, I'd be on that type of board -- so ya'll can respectfully back off that topic.

Not going to happen. When you post on a public forum, the community members will discuss what they choose to discuss from that post. In this case, several of us have chosen to give you advice on step-parenting. It can be frustrating (I know it happened to me on my first post) but it's all done with a sense of helpfulness and the advice I got was fantastic and well-warranted.

And that would be fine if it was respectful advice... the "advice" are getting are holier than thou name-calling replies from people who are childish enough to tell me to grow up, and those are rude, unwarranted, unecessary - and disrespectful.

Most of it, also, from people who have no idea what being in these situations is like. It's fine to try and offer advice... but not to be condescending when you don't know about what you speak. Those members have been ignored.

Ro041 · March 2017

VADI said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

if I wanted parenting/step-parenting advice, I'd be on that type of board -- so ya'll can respectfully back off that topic.

Not going to happen. When you post on a public forum, the community members will discuss what they choose to discuss from that post. In this case, several of us have chosen to give you advice on step-parenting. It can be frustrating (I know it happened to me on my first post) but it's all done with a sense of helpfulness and the advice I got was fantastic and well-warranted.

And that would be fine if it was respectful advice... the "advice" are getting are holier than thou name-calling replies from people who are childish enough to tell me to grow up, and those are rude, unwarranted, unecessary - and disrespectful.

Most of it, also, from people who have no idea what being in these situations is like. It's fine to try and offer advice... but not to be condescending when you don't know about what you speak. Those members have been ignored.

Sorry @VADI but at no point did you graciously accept the advice that you were given regarding your original question which was, "Should I invite Biomom's parents to the wedding so they can provide free childcare even though Biomom doesn't want them to see SS?"

A number of commenters, including myself, asked you questions and offered alternatives including (1) hire a babysitter, (2) keep SS at the reception, (3) don't have him there at all, and (4) ask Biomom to come pick him up and have security if you are worried she will crash. Your response to each question was that you didn't want to do that, you didn't feel like you should have to do that, and it wasn't your problem because he's not your kid.

You continue to dig the hole. At some point, you should accept the advice and suggestions made and move on, even if you don't agree.

Honestly, this entire thread is kind of ridiculous because, based on comments you have made in other threads, you don't even know what kind of reception (if any) you are having, if having one is within your budget.

climbingsingle · March 2017

Ro041 said:

VADI said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

if I wanted parenting/step-parenting advice, I'd be on that type of board -- so ya'll can respectfully back off that topic.

Not going to happen. When you post on a public forum, the community members will discuss what they choose to discuss from that post. In this case, several of us have chosen to give you advice on step-parenting. It can be frustrating (I know it happened to me on my first post) but it's all done with a sense of helpfulness and the advice I got was fantastic and well-warranted.

And that would be fine if it was respectful advice... the "advice" are getting are holier than thou name-calling replies from people who are childish enough to tell me to grow up, and those are rude, unwarranted, unecessary - and disrespectful.

Most of it, also, from people who have no idea what being in these situations is like. It's fine to try and offer advice... but not to be condescending when you don't know about what you speak. Those members have been ignored.

Sorry @VADI but at no point did you graciously accept the advice that you were given regarding your original question which was, "Should I invite Biomom's parents to the wedding so they can provide free childcare even though Biomom doesn't want them to see SS?"

A number of commenters, including myself, asked you questions and offered alternatives including (1) hire a babysitter, (2) keep SS at the reception, (3) don't have him there at all, and (4) ask Biomom to come pick him up and have security if you are worried she will crash. Your response to each question was that you didn't want to do that, you didn't feel like you should have to do that, and it wasn't your problem because he's not your kid.

You continue to dig the hole. At some point, you should accept the advice and suggestions made and move on, even if you don't agree.

Honestly, this entire thread is kind of ridiculous because, based on comments you have made in other threads, you don't even know what kind of reception (if any) you are having, if having one is within your budget.

This is what I find so bewildering. OP has stated in numerous other threads that she doesn't know where she is having her ceremony, if she's having a reception, what type of wedding she wants, what kind of budget she even has. Yet, she wants advice on favors, and inviting biomom's parents for childcare, and how to include the kids in the ceremony.

OP, you're putting the cart before the horse.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

Actually, I did. I didn't snark back at you, you're not on the ignore list. lol

[Deleted User] · March 2017

And I mentioned that I got the answer....which was no.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

climbingwife said:

This is what I find so bewildering. OP has stated in numerous other threads that she doesn't know where she is having her ceremony, if she's having a reception, what type of wedding she wants, what kind of budget she even has. Yet, she wants advice on favors, and inviting biomom's parents for childcare, and how to include the kids in the ceremony.

OP, you're putting the cart before the horse.

its called planning. brainstorming. multitasking.

flantastic · March 2017

People are not trying to be holier-than-thou (an idiom you've used multiple times now). They're trying to point out the giant freaking red flags you're putting up. Ignore them, fine. It's not going to affect them. They know that.

They're trying to help you when they see something that you may not see. They're trying to give you a more compassionate and objective perspective when it comes to the behavior of your FI's ex, something that can be hard for you to be objective about. They're trying to give you a realistic picture of what co-parenting will be like as the legal wife of this man, who has a son who's four, things you don't seem to be realistic about.

Just because you're getting defensive doesn't mean other people are being pretentious or rude.

climbingsingle · March 2017

VADI said:

climbingwife said:

This is what I find so bewildering. OP has stated in numerous other threads that she doesn't know where she is having her ceremony, if she's having a reception, what type of wedding she wants, what kind of budget she even has. Yet, she wants advice on favors, and inviting biomom's parents for childcare, and how to include the kids in the ceremony.

OP, you're putting the cart before the horse.

its called planning. brainstorming. multitasking.

No, it's called planning backwards. There's a reason you figure out your budget first. Then figure out your guest list. Then you find a venue. What you're doing it setting yourself up for a disaster. You want to decide on a favor before you even know where you're having your wedding. You have an idea for a ceremony spot, but you don't know if you can even have it there. This is a disorganized mess.

kwiksilver · March 2017

VADI said:

climbingwife said:

This is what I find so bewildering. OP has stated in numerous other threads that she doesn't know where she is having her ceremony, if she's having a reception, what type of wedding she wants, what kind of budget she even has. Yet, she wants advice on favors, and inviting biomom's parents for childcare, and how to include the kids in the ceremony.

OP, you're putting the cart before the horse.

its called planning. brainstorming. multitasking.

Multitasking...that word does not mean what you think it means.

Look, people have told you on your multiple threads that before you start all this other planning you need to get a solid idea of guest list, location, reception plan (that includes chairs and food appropriate for time of day) and other major aspects. Asking how to do this or that (like including your kids) without solid details makes it frustrating to try and help you.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

climbingwife said:

VADI said:

climbingwife said:

This is what I find so bewildering. OP has stated in numerous other threads that she doesn't know where she is having her ceremony, if she's having a reception, what type of wedding she wants, what kind of budget she even has. Yet, she wants advice on favors, and inviting biomom's parents for childcare, and how to include the kids in the ceremony.

OP, you're putting the cart before the horse.

its called planning. brainstorming. multitasking.

No, it's called planning backwards. There's a reason you figure out your budget first. Then figure out your guest list. Then you find a venue. What you're doing it setting yourself up for a disaster. You want to decide on a favor before you even know where you're having your wedding. You have an idea for a ceremony spot, but you don't know if you can even have it there. This is a disorganized mess.

We have our approximate budget. We have our approximate guestlist. We have a few ideas for a venue - but it will depend on what we spend elsewhere... so we need to have an idea of what we WANT, before we DECIDE. Everything is tied together, and yes, we want to explore our alternatives on whatever we're going to be spending money on, before we commit to something specific. Planning backwards would be if we commit to one thing, and have nothing left over for the other things we'd like.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

flantastic said:

People are not trying to be holier-than-thou (an idiom you've used multiple times now). They're trying to point out the giant freaking red flags you're putting up. Ignore them, fine. It's not going to affect them. They know that.

They're trying to help you when they see something that you may not see. They're trying to give you a more compassionate and objective perspective when it comes to the behavior of your FI's ex, something that can be hard for you to be objective about. They're trying to give you a realistic picture of what co-parenting will be like as the legal wife of this man, who has a son who's four, things you don't seem to be realistic about.

Just because you're getting defensive doesn't mean other people are being pretentious or rude.

while it's true that getting defensive doesn't mean people are being pretentious or rude, comments like Grow up, are exactly that.

flantastic · March 2017

VADI said:

flantastic said:

People are not trying to be holier-than-thou (an idiom you've used multiple times now). They're trying to point out the giant freaking red flags you're putting up. Ignore them, fine. It's not going to affect them. They know that.

They're trying to help you when they see something that you may not see. They're trying to give you a more compassionate and objective perspective when it comes to the behavior of your FI's ex, something that can be hard for you to be objective about. They're trying to give you a realistic picture of what co-parenting will be like as the legal wife of this man, who has a son who's four, things you don't seem to be realistic about.

Just because you're getting defensive doesn't mean other people are being pretentious or rude.

while it's true that getting defensive doesn't mean people are being pretentious or rude, comments like Grow up, are exactly that.

No, that's blunt. Rude would be telling you you're a horrible person who should never have children. No one would or should say that. But telling you the truth (that you need to have a more mature perspective on this situation, which takes into account your actual responisibilites, or, "grow up") is not rude, just because it isn't sugarcoated in the telling.

climbingsingle · March 2017

VADI said:

climbingwife said:

VADI said:

climbingwife said:

This is what I find so bewildering. OP has stated in numerous other threads that she doesn't know where she is having her ceremony, if she's having a reception, what type of wedding she wants, what kind of budget she even has. Yet, she wants advice on favors, and inviting biomom's parents for childcare, and how to include the kids in the ceremony.

OP, you're putting the cart before the horse.

its called planning. brainstorming. multitasking.

No, it's called planning backwards. There's a reason you figure out your budget first. Then figure out your guest list. Then you find a venue. What you're doing it setting yourself up for a disaster. You want to decide on a favor before you even know where you're having your wedding. You have an idea for a ceremony spot, but you don't know if you can even have it there. This is a disorganized mess.

We have our approximate budget. We have our approximate guestlist. We have a few ideas for a venue - but it will depend on what we spend elsewhere... so we need to have an idea of what we WANT, before we DECIDE. Everything is tied together, and yes, we want to explore our alternatives on whatever we're going to be spending money on, before we commit to something specific. Planning backwards would be if we commit to one thing, and have nothing left over for the other things we'd like.

Exactly my point. You don't know what you want. You need to figure out the big things first before these other minor details.

I know what I'm talking about. I've now planned two weddings.

levioosa · March 2017

I mean, if by "holier than thou" you mean common sense, then sure.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

climbingwife said:

VADI said:

climbingwife said:

VADI said:

climbingwife said:

This is what I find so bewildering. OP has stated in numerous other threads that she doesn't know where she is having her ceremony, if she's having a reception, what type of wedding she wants, what kind of budget she even has. Yet, she wants advice on favors, and inviting biomom's parents for childcare, and how to include the kids in the ceremony.

OP, you're putting the cart before the horse.

its called planning. brainstorming. multitasking.

No, it's called planning backwards. There's a reason you figure out your budget first. Then figure out your guest list. Then you find a venue. What you're doing it setting yourself up for a disaster. You want to decide on a favor before you even know where you're having your wedding. You have an idea for a ceremony spot, but you don't know if you can even have it there. This is a disorganized mess.

We have our approximate budget. We have our approximate guestlist. We have a few ideas for a venue - but it will depend on what we spend elsewhere... so we need to have an idea of what we WANT, before we DECIDE. Everything is tied together, and yes, we want to explore our alternatives on whatever we're going to be spending money on, before we commit to something specific. Planning backwards would be if we commit to one thing, and have nothing left over for the other things we'd like.

Exactly my point. You don't know what you want. You need to figure out the big things first before these other minor details.

I know what I'm talking about. I've now planned two weddings.

And how else am I to know what I want, unless I ask the questions to which I need answers in order to make a decision?

This ain't my first wedding either, so don't make yourself out to be better than others.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

flantastic said:

VADI said:

flantastic said:

People are not trying to be holier-than-thou (an idiom you've used multiple times now). They're trying to point out the giant freaking red flags you're putting up. Ignore them, fine. It's not going to affect them. They know that.

They're trying to help you when they see something that you may not see. They're trying to give you a more compassionate and objective perspective when it comes to the behavior of your FI's ex, something that can be hard for you to be objective about. They're trying to give you a realistic picture of what co-parenting will be like as the legal wife of this man, who has a son who's four, things you don't seem to be realistic about.

Just because you're getting defensive doesn't mean other people are being pretentious or rude.

while it's true that getting defensive doesn't mean people are being pretentious or rude, comments like Grow up, are exactly that.

No, that's blunt. Rude would be telling you you're a horrible person who should never have children. No one would or should say that. But telling you the truth (that you need to have a more mature perspective on this situation, which takes into account your actual responisibilites, or, "grow up") is not rude, just because it isn't sugarcoated in the telling.

Actually, there are responses in this thread that have said exactly that. How terrible a person I am... how they feel sorry for the kids... how I need to include the kid's mom in my life... no, I don't. His relationship with her is separate from my relationship with him.

HE needs to co-parent with HER. I only need to co-parent with HIM. As the kid is his son, I defer to what he wants. I can suggest, convince recommend all I want - but in the end, it's HIS choice.

You may not agree - and you don't have to, but we are doing what works for us, and rolling over for the mom's every single wish is not going to happen. She's not more important than the father, despite how you're trying to make it seem like she's the one that gets to call every shot.

banana468 · March 2017

VADI said:

climbingwife said:

VADI said:

climbingwife said:

VADI said:

climbingwife said:

This is what I find so bewildering. OP has stated in numerous other threads that she doesn't know where she is having her ceremony, if she's having a reception, what type of wedding she wants, what kind of budget she even has. Yet, she wants advice on favors, and inviting biomom's parents for childcare, and how to include the kids in the ceremony.

OP, you're putting the cart before the horse.

its called planning. brainstorming. multitasking.

No, it's called planning backwards. There's a reason you figure out your budget first. Then figure out your guest list. Then you find a venue. What you're doing it setting yourself up for a disaster. You want to decide on a favor before you even know where you're having your wedding. You have an idea for a ceremony spot, but you don't know if you can even have it there. This is a disorganized mess.

We have our approximate budget. We have our approximate guestlist. We have a few ideas for a venue - but it will depend on what we spend elsewhere... so we need to have an idea of what we WANT, before we DECIDE. Everything is tied together, and yes, we want to explore our alternatives on whatever we're going to be spending money on, before we commit to something specific. Planning backwards would be if we commit to one thing, and have nothing left over for the other things we'd like.

Exactly my point. You don't know what you want. You need to figure out the big things first before these other minor details.

I know what I'm talking about. I've now planned two weddings.

And how else am I to know what I want, unless I ask the questions to which I need answers in order to make a decision?

This ain't my first wedding either, so don't make yourself out to be better than others.

But that's what you're doing. Half of your posts are insulting to the mother of your future step son.

And she may be an absolute POS - but what you think of her and what she legally gets are not the same. And you still need to keep talking about how much better than her you are.

kwiksilver · March 2017

She just wants to continue arguing. It's just and endless cycle of points and counter-points.

I'm done. Good luck with your wedding. I'm not commenting on any more of your posts. I have enough petulant teenagers in my life.

to invite or not to invite

Re: to invite or not to invite

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