Vent - advice welcome (AE)

chelseamb11

I very much agree with the trust issue is larger with this dropping loads of money irresponsibly than worrying about the extra boobies in his life during that evening.  Let's say (hypothetically) his story is 100% truthful.  In the end, he still signed slips equating to $10,000 in charges.  Whenever I leave my card open at a bar, I ALWAYS check my bill before I sign it, which has saved me from being overcharged more than once.  He should have checked before he signed. 

Mrs.B6302007

Holy crap!



I'm in the wrong profession if they can make that kind of money plus tips in one hour.

The Mel and Todd Show

Mari.  If you are uncomfortable with your fi going to a strip club, THAT is what you tell him you don't want him to do.  Not "oh, just no lap dances".  You're uncomfortable with more than just the lap dances.  You are uncomfortable with him being there around the half naked women.  And that's OKAY.  It's perfectly fine to not be comfortable with that.  You are not "uncool" if you don't want your betrothed to ogle other women.  A man who loves you will say "ok.  If you're uncomfortable, I won't go."  It has nothing to do with your trust in him, and he should understand that.  It has to do with him respecting the boundaries in which you are comfortable.  Don't go making other plans to distract yourself that night.  The thought of him being there makes you sick. Speak up.  Tell him no.

OP- Jesus.  Reconsider that match.  He's an idiot or a liar, and neither is an admirable trait in a mate. 

Mrs.B6302007

We used to have one in Orlando called The Booby Trap.   And the top of the building looks like boobs.  It's called something else now like the Premier Club but a titty building by any other name is still a titty building.

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-advice-welcome-ae?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb35af4c-b0a6-463f-853d-24763947d880Post:180a3b70-7068-4111-8cf8-5e11e79c2253">Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE)</a>:
[QUOTE]Mari.  If you are uncomfortable with your fi going to a strip club, THAT is what you tell him you don't want him to do.  Not "oh, just no lap dances".  You're uncomfortable with more than just the lap dances.  You are uncomfortable with him being there around the half naked women.  And that's OKAY.  It's perfectly fine to not be comfortable with that.  You are not "uncool" if you don't want your betrothed to ogle other women.  A man who loves you will say "ok.  If you're uncomfortable, I won't go."  It has nothing to do with your trust in him, and he should understand that.  It has to do with him respecting the boundaries in which you are comfortable.  Don't go making other plans to distract yourself that night.  The thought of him being there makes you sick. Speak up.  Tell him no. OP- Jesus.  Reconsider that match.  He's an idiot or a liar, and neither is an admirable trait in a mate. 
Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]

Thanks, I just didn't want to be the one to tell he can't do something i'm just so uncomfortable and I guess I didn't realize how much it really bothered me until this thread. I thought I had gotten over it.

dumdumfroggie

One of our main ones here is called The Lumberyard.  Their tag line?  "Where real men go to get wood."

I broke a guy's nose there once, true story.

Dipshiit kept grabbing on to me and wouldn't let go even though I asked him several times.  Finally I threw a right hook at his face.  It was probably the grossest thing I've every felt, the crunching.  I do not feel bad about this.

After that, the bouncer came running up and threw him out.

The Mel and Todd Show

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-advice-welcome-ae?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb35af4c-b0a6-463f-853d-24763947d880Post:1e8052c6-0f85-40c9-b882-6860900f09de">Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE) : Thanks, I just didn't want to be the one to tell he can't do something i'm just so uncomfortable and I guess I didn't realize how much it really bothered me until this thread. I thought I had gotten over it.
Posted by mari0225[/QUOTE]

It bothers you.  It shouldn't matter if it's a tiny little thing or something huge.  You two are getting married.  You need to be on the same page.  You should be honest with him and let him know that you're just not comfortable with this.  He doesn't need to understand why or even agree with it, but he should respect it.  For some reason, there's this stigma associated with men whose FIs or wives or what have you don't want them to go to strip clubs.  He's whipped, she's an uptight shrew, whatever.  That's just not the case.  It has to do with individual comfort and has nothing to do with a man being controlled or a woman being unreasonably controlling.  If you're not comfortable with it, there's no amount of talking or reasoning which will make you comfortable with it.  So tell him, and make sure he tells those planning his party to make alternate arrangements where all guests will remain clothed and all penises will remain flaccid. 

Mrs.B6302007

Well said, Mel!

kalpi108

Agree with Mel. There's nothing shrewish or unreasonable about not wanting your FI at a strip club. As long as he respects and loves you, your feelings probably should come before the desire to see other women dance naked.

staceycaine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-advice-welcome-ae?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb35af4c-b0a6-463f-853d-24763947d880Post:dd1eebee-4ddc-4598-952d-59a4384b691a">Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE) : I'm sorry but I have to say something. You come into almost EVERY thread to say something along these lines. Someone is excited about quitting a job where they are unhappy- you say "oh wow must be nice to just be able to quit and not worry about money. We have to worry about money". Someone asks about the fact that they gave their friend a generous gift for their wedding and the friend did not reciprocate-- you say "Wow, you gave them that much? Good for you, you must have so much, we would never be able to give that amount of money." I can go find links if you insist but I think you know what I'm talking about, it's a pattern. Quit judging people when it comes to money, no one is responding to you and saying "Oh, stacey, you think x amount is a lot of money? How cheap are you? Money's no issue for us." You shouldn't be doing it the other way around either. This is also annoying since the OP made clear exactly what a huge deal the 10K is to them, that's why she feels physically ill about it. Sorry, that's been bugging me for a while.
Posted by kalpi108[/QUOTE]

Sorry to bug you. I actually DIDN'T get that it was a huge deal to her. My point was, if it's NOT a huge deal to her, let it go. Otherwise, she has deeper issues.

I know the posts you are talking about, so no links are necessary, although I didn't intend them as you quoted. Again--I apologize. :)

kalpi108

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-advice-welcome-ae?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb35af4c-b0a6-463f-853d-24763947d880Post:28859962-26f4-431a-8b20-6d4ec3b3a329">Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE) : Sorry to bug you. I actually DIDN'T get that it was a huge deal to her. My point was, if it's NOT a huge deal to her, let it go. Otherwise, she has deeper issues. I know the posts you are talking about, so no links are necessary, although I didn't intend them as you quoted. Again--I apologize. :)
Posted by staceycaine[/QUOTE]

<div>Cool. Yeah in her first post, she detailed a lot about how the amount of money was making her physically ill and was the primary issue. Her issues with the strip club aspect seemed to come into play after the fact if I comprehended her correctly.</div><div>
</div><div>If how I quoted them is not how you intended them, great, thanks for telling me. Just something to be aware of in terms of how you're perceived by a bunch of people who don't know you very well. Although to be fair, $10K on the strip club made my jaw drop but never having been to one, I had no clue if this would be an easy amount to reach at one so didn't comment on that part. Her FI's utter cluelessness is what worried me most.</div>

mica178

I Mel

chelseamb11

You should listen to Mel.  She sure has a way with words.

staceycaine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-advice-welcome-ae?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb35af4c-b0a6-463f-853d-24763947d880Post:9150f0fa-3ec4-447c-8b83-f72ac16004c5">Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE) : Cool. Yeah in her first post, she detailed a lot about how the amount of money was making her physically ill and was the primary issue. Her issues with the strip club aspect seemed to come into play after the fact if I comprehended her correctly. If how I quoted them is not how you intended them, great, thanks for telling me. Just something to be aware of in terms of how you're perceived by a bunch of people who don't know you very well. Although to be fair, $10K on the strip club made my jaw drop but never having been to one, I had no clue if this would be an easy amount to reach at one so didn't comment on that part. Her FI's utter cluelessness is what worried me most.
Posted by kalpi108[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I thought it was her being ill at him being in the back room, etc., not necessarily the money. But I also read it pretty fast.

I am going to send you a PM about the rest.

lyndausvi

As someone who does not care if DH goes to strip clubs, I 100% agree with Mel.  I'm not cool because I'm comfortable with him going and your are not un-cool because you are not comfortable.    Different strokes for different folks.

For the record  DH never goes to them, He is the one uncomfortable with them.  I've been to a few and actually know some stripers, so I guess that's why I'm okay with it all.   That all said, I would not be comfortable with DH being in a VIP room.  Nope, that is even outside  my comfort zone.

$9700 bill.  OMG - I honestly can't even begin to think what I would do if DH came home telling me he rang a $9700 bill for a night out, let alone at a strip club.   Wow, just wow 

kinsey0628

Very well said, Mel!

Mari, I hope you do take her advice and tell your FI you would much prefer he didn't go to the strip joint.  GL!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-advice-welcome-ae?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb35af4c-b0a6-463f-853d-24763947d880Post:dd1eebee-4ddc-4598-952d-59a4384b691a">Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE) : I'm sorry but I have to say something. You come into almost EVERY thread to say something along these lines. Someone is excited about quitting a job where they are unhappy- you say "oh wow must be nice to just be able to quit and not worry about money. We have to worry about money". Someone asks about the fact that they gave their friend a generous gift for their wedding and the friend did not reciprocate-- you say "Wow, you gave them that much? Good for you, you must have so much, we would never be able to give that amount of money." I can go find links if you insist but I think you know what I'm talking about, it's a pattern. Quit judging people when it comes to money, no one is responding to you and saying "Oh, stacey, you think x amount is a lot of money? How cheap are you? Money's no issue for us." You shouldn't be doing it the other way around either. This is also annoying since the OP made clear exactly what a huge deal the 10K is to them, that's why she feels physically ill about it. Sorry, that's been bugging me for a while.
Posted by kalpi108[/QUOTE]
We also know how much your wedding is costing, Stacey. You may have mentioned it once or twice or ten times.

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-advice-welcome-ae?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb35af4c-b0a6-463f-853d-24763947d880Post:8fd1dbc2-0688-4d59-a2ef-1db038986ca7">Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE) : We also know how much your wedding is costing, Stacey. You may have mentioned it once or twice or ten times.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

<div>Like.</div>

AmethystMSU

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-advice-welcome-ae?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb35af4c-b0a6-463f-853d-24763947d880Post:95fbc1a6-ccc7-4eb5-96d1-bf5f1f5becc6">Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE) : Why? It' sjust a name. Hooters does not supply or cater to owls.
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]
I just don't like it. It implies that cheating is done there, and I'm not cool with that. Hooters implies boobs, which is true (usually).

jujub423

I'm in the same boat as laura--FI has no desire to ever go to a strip club, he's never been and I've gone a few times with friends just for fun.  The girls really seem to like when there are girls in the audience, not just guys wearing sweatpants hoping to get a lap dance.

That said, the $ thing would be what would set me off.  I'm a saver, and FI is a spender, so if I knew he was going to a strip club for a B party (if he ever wanted to), I don't even think I would "let" him bring a credit card.  I'm sure your FI knows he fuucked up and feels bad about it, so if it were me I would probably discuss it with him once and let it be.

also: the back room thing would bug me A LOT more than if they just went and sat in the audience.  One of my bridesmaids is a dancer, she used to work at a strip club and the stories I heard were just awful.

dragonwagon

If this were me, I'd be reconsidering if I even wanted to marry this guy. His story doesn't make sense to me. And as the great Judge Judy says: "If it doesn't make sense, then it's not true!"

I don't really see anything good that could result from guys visiting a strip club, let alone going to the VIP/champagne room for 2 hours. Call me a prude, but what the fuuck were they doing for 2 hours?!

He made some very bad decisions, and I don't see why anyone should cut him a break on this. He handed over the card and signed for it. The charges or his responsibility and all of the guys who went with him should divvy up the cost.

As for feeling upset about what may/may not have happened, I feel for you. That's why FI and I have agreed to no strip clubs, etc. I can watch him dance with other girls in a bar or club all night, but I can't stomach him being in a strip club or VIP room with a bunch of strippers. Makes me sick  just thinking about it. Luckily for you, sounds like this is his last visit to a strip club.

Queen Jane

FWIW, I just mentioned this to H, who dated a stripper for a long time. His very first reaction was that someone at some point knew how much they were spending. When I got into specifics he said it was likely the guy whose idea it was in the first place (the one they didn't know too well?). Interestingly, he's the only one who hadn't offered to pitch in? Again, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you guys are able to figure something out. ETA: I don't mean to generalize all strippers, I just know that H has seen many different situations and has knowledge that might be helpful.

marriedfilingjointly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-advice-welcome-ae?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb35af4c-b0a6-463f-853d-24763947d880Post:f5d92589-afb3-4a44-b932-6d4ed75967c2">Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE)</a>:
[QUOTE]Holy crap! I'm in the wrong profession if they can make that kind of money plus tips in one hour.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

<div>Ha!  My mom is an engineer, and she has a tech working for her who dances on the weekends.  She makes way more money dancing than doing research, but she keeps the research job for the health insurance for her kids.  Stew on that for a moment.  </div>

J&K10910

THE STRIPPER MADE ME DO IT!

marriedfilingjointly

I'm in love with a stripper . . . .

J&K10910

You would be.

KatWAG

OP, Fi and I live in Chicago. Do you know the name of the strip club, so I can warn my Fi for his bachelor party? Or at least make sure he leaves his credit card at home that night.

Juris11

I had to check this thread again today. OP, please update and let us know if the club lowers the amount, because I am hella curious...

jayjoe

Ok OP. I have no advice to offer that these girls have not already given you but i can share this: here in NYC, there have been quite a few guys that have sued strip clubs for charging them a TON of money after these guys were obviously so wasted they couldnt even sign the credit slips correctly. A handful of them won. Here is a link to the bigger ones (by more "known" men) http://gothamist.com/2011/08/30/man_sues_hustler_club_for_charging.php Also, i was in a club once with a bunch of friends and it was for a going away party for a co-worker. We let the guy at the door know what it was for (there were about 10 of us and it was the after-party to the actual party for us still drunk). THe waittress came, took our drink orders and then returned with our drinks and a bottle of champagne and said "heres some champagne, congratulations on moving to Las Vegas!!" (thats where he was going). We said thanks and had some. Check comes and we're charged $700 for the champagne. We fought it and even though we drank some of it and never asked if it was free, because the waittress never said it was being charged, never asked if we wanted it and presented it as a "gift", we did not have to pay (my cousin the lawyer got involved So you may have something on the that. Other than that..i'm sorry you have to go through this.

Derniermot

Cancel the wedding. Seriously. Wish him well then move on with your life. Consider it dodging a bullet.