No kids = No Kids!

temerityjane

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:c096aa18-0eb1-43d2-ad2f-2e6265d17416">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids = No Kids! : Luckily you have 1 year 7 months and 1 week for this attitude to be corrected.
Posted by kate51485[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't see why her attitude should be corrected. Maybe the way she put it was kind of offputting but... it IS her wedding and if she doesn't want kids there, those who want to bring kids anyway can just stay home.</div><div>
</div><div>There's nothing bridezilla-ish or bad attitude-y about wanting what you want for your wedding. Of course, it can go that way, taken to extremes, but it's not automatically over the top just because you express a preference.</div>

pumpkinpumpkin

I don't think OP is acting out of line. She is being a bit ridiculous in the sense of being surprised by how people are acting.

But when newbs come here and say "it's YOUR day"...just kinda gives a bad vibe of how they're going to be...

temerityjane

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:bf7128bb-a949-44dc-a5d7-6bab87f69885">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think OP is acting out of line. She is being a bit ridiculous in the sense of being surprised by how people are acting. But when newbs come here and say "it's YOUR day"...just kinda gives a bad vibe of how they're going to be...
Posted by pumpkinpumpkin[/QUOTE]
 <div>I think it's the word "day." I'm not even being sarcastic, I'm serious. When someone says, "IT'S MY DAAAAAAY!," I do become wary of them. But "It's your wedding" doesn't bother me nearly as much.</div>

zingaro1000

Although I certainly understand that if you say, "no kids" that kids aren't invited.

But I can't help think asking people to find childcare for 3 events is a bit much.  I don't even have kids and I already think that's a bit unreasonable.  What do out of town guests do?  You seem to be inviting new mothers, what if they are nursing?  Asking someone to pump enough milk for a weekend seems a bit entitled.

Although it's well within your rights to invite whomever you chose, I wouldn't be surprised to not see most of the parents in the group. 

temerityjane

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:46003aff-89f8-4e35-9d33-0db9dffd0933">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]Although I certainly understand that if you say, "no kids" that kids aren't invited. But I can't help think asking people to find childcare for 3 events is a bit much.  I don't even have kids and I already think that's a bit unreasonable.  What do out of town guests do?  You seem to be inviting new mothers, what if they are nursing?  Asking someone to pump enough milk for a weekend seems a bit entitled. Although it's well within your rights to invite whomever you chose, I wouldn't be surprised to not see most of the parents in the group. 
Posted by zingaro1000[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It's not entitled to have a kid-free wedding. It's acting entitled to truly expect everyone to come anyway, and not be willing to accept the fact that many people won't be able to make it. The OP seems perfectly willing to accept the fact that many people won't be able to come, thus, not entitled.

</div>

kikibaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:46003aff-89f8-4e35-9d33-0db9dffd0933">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]Although I certainly understand that if you say, "no kids" that kids aren't invited. But I can't help think asking people to find childcare for 3 events is a bit much.  I don't even have kids and I already think that's a bit unreasonable.  What do out of town guests do?  You seem to be inviting new mothers, what if they are nursing?  Asking someone to pump enough milk for a weekend seems a bit entitled. Although it's well within your rights to invite whomever you chose, I wouldn't be surprised to not see most of the parents in the group. 
Posted by zingaro1000[/QUOTE]

Those people don't have to come if they have a problem with it.  It's that simple.  It's not entitled because she's not forcing them to do it.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:79b12089-0f9b-426c-a008-9403bf06f397">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm just surprised more people don't take advantage of a child free evening. Sorry little Johnny, you have to stay with the sitter while Daddy and I have a night out at someone else's expense.
Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

I agree with that. Every year people at my company ask if they can bring their kids to the company holiday party. Um, no. I remember my parents getting dressed up for company functions when I was a kid. My mom would wear certain perfume and my brother and I would stay with a babysitter. It was tradition. And it was kind of fun.

AlexiaANDRobert

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:46003aff-89f8-4e35-9d33-0db9dffd0933">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]Although I certainly understand that if you say, "no kids" that kids aren't invited. But I can't help think asking people to find childcare for 3 events is a bit much.  I don't even have kids and I already think that's a bit unreasonable.  What do out of town guests do?  You seem to be inviting new mothers, what if they are nursing?  Asking someone to pump enough milk for a weekend seems a bit entitled. Although it's well within your rights to invite whomever you chose, I wouldn't be surprised to not see most of the parents in the group. 
Posted by zingaro1000[/QUOTE]

The person/people invited don't have to attend all three events.

As an adult with a child (I don't have one yet, but when I do), I'd attend just the wedding.  I don't need brunch or the pre party if I've got kids to take care of.  If you're from out of town, you can bring a babysitter with you.  I used to travel as a babysitter for events like conferences, weddings, class reunions, etc with families.

Hopefully OP realizes that nursing mothers are the exception. If not, they can decline the invitation as well.

zingaro1000

Ok, correction.  Not entitled.  That was the wrong word, and I take it back.  I apologize for the label. 

It seems like such a small thing to invite children to the morning breakfast.  It's one thing when it's an individual event, but another entirely when it is a whole weekend.  Like I said, it's well within her rights.  However, when I receive an invitation from a friend I feel an obligation to go to that event.  Asking a new mother (even if you don't mind her not coming) to attend 3 events without her child seems bit much.  

It just seems no one is looking at the guest point of view.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Also, someone responding with, "My entire frat and I can't wait to come party it up!" would obviously be a huge problem. It's the same for people showing up with anyone who isn't invited.

I don't think getting childcare for an entire weekend is a problem. That can be the weekend the kids go to grandma's house. And if that's not possible, the parents can decline the invitation.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:79b12089-0f9b-426c-a008-9403bf06f397">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm just surprised more people don't take advantage of a child free evening. Sorry little Johnny, you have to stay with the sitter while Daddy and I have a night out at someone else's expense.
Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

This.  One of my BMs has two little girls under the age of 3.  I asked her in advance if she would be okay with a "child-free" evening.  She stared at me like I was crazy and told me she'd already asked her MIL if she could send them there overnight, because "Mommy and Daddy need a night out!"

NuggetBrain

All I know is this (Clearly he's a Mensa candidate already. Can't tie his shoes, but good with matches) gets a win.

kikibaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:6796998d-ee7b-415d-9ee4-e1828962342d">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, correction.  Not entitled.  That was the wrong word, and I take it back.  I apologize for the label.  It seems like such a small thing to invite children to the morning breakfast.  It's one thing when it's an individual event, but another entirely when it is a whole weekend.  Like I said, it's well within her rights.  However, when I receive an invitation from a friend I feel an obligation to go to that event.  Asking a new mother (even if you don't mind her not coming) to attend 3 events without her child seems bit much.   It just seems no one is looking at the guest point of view.
Posted by zingaro1000[/QUOTE]

It's her brunch, though.  If the couple doesn't want kids there, they're allowed to ask for that. 

The guests point of view should be, if I have a kid and I dont' want to leave them with a babysitter, I just won't go.  To me, it seems like 'such a small thing' to just not go to the morning after brunch if I don't want to leave my kid(s).

BecW2be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:4dfcd9cf-7125-4a65-8977-79e77667096a">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids = No Kids! : How do you think I got my screen name?! FI wants to order a Sumo every time we go.  Todays flavors are: Take me to Tiramisu, Cinnamon Sling, Coast to coast Cheesecake, Coconut Coma, Sex Drugs & Rocky Road, Fluent in French Toast, Chocolate chip Flirt, and the Milk Chocolate Only Rings Twice! Hungry yet?? ;)
Posted by MrsRicePudding[/QUOTE]

I hate you right now. My sister and I have it FedExed to us every few months because we love it so. I'm so jealous my sweet tooth hurts. Have you had the pumpkin pie in the fall? OMG.

I can't figure out these parents who think someone else is responsible for my childcare. I look forward to evening weddings because I don't take my kids even if they are invited. And I'll decide what wedding events (or any events, for that matter) I'm able to attend according to sitter arrangements and it will never cross my mind to think the hosts will figure it out for me. That's just odd to me.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:9f2a4ab1-0eff-45c8-a1ce-83ffec494b90">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids = No Kids! : It's her brunch, though.  If the couple doesn't want kids there, they're allowed to ask for that.  The guests point of view should be, if I have a kid and I dont' want to leave them with a babysitter, I just won't go.  To me, it seems like 'such a small thing' to just not go to the morning after brunch if I don't want to leave my kid(s).
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

THIS.

The guests' options are:

1) Find a babysitter and go.
2) Don't find a babysitter and stay home.

The option the guests WANT is 3) bring kids with them to the wedding. That is NOT an option the OP is allowing them. Which is FINE. Sometimes people need to settle for something that wouldn't be their first choice, mmkay?

Audrey&Austin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:46003aff-89f8-4e35-9d33-0db9dffd0933">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]Although I certainly understand that if you say, "no kids" that kids aren't invited. But I can't help think asking people to find childcare for 3 events is a bit much.  I don't even have kids and I already think that's a bit unreasonable.  What do out of town guests do?  You seem to be inviting new mothers, what if they are nursing?  Asking someone to pump enough milk for a weekend seems a bit entitled. Although it's well within your rights to invite whomever you chose, I wouldn't be surprised to not see most of the parents in the group. 
Posted by zingaro1000[/QUOTE]

<div>I really don't think that if a parent were to be trying to find childcare so they could go to an OOT wedding then it wouldn't matter if they were going to 1 child free event or 20. People are just upset that they're little snowflake isn't allowed to come and can't understand that the sun doesn't rise and set on this child. </div><div>
</div><div>That's just my opinion though.</div>

swtasa

I'm not saying anyone is wrong about not wanting kids at the wedding. But I really want to know what kind of relatives you all have that the kids go crazy at weddings?

My family never acts like that. If a kid gets out of line boy is there mom and dad and 8 other family members there to put them back in place lol.

JenPhil6212

I have the same issues. Only the wedding party and my sister are allowed who are under 18.  Other than that no! We aren't eating until like 7:30. Your kids will be cranky and running around. Leave that crap at home with a sitter where they can make their bed time. If you can't find a babysitter I will catch you next time. I am not going to pay the money for your child to barely touch the food. Hire a babysitter and come and enjoy a night kid free.

Sing2phins

I personally would never dream of not having kids at my wedding, but I respect those who do and would never presume that my (fictional) kids are invited unless the invite expressly said so.  And I certainly am capable of basic reading comprehension so that when an invite says "no kids," I know I have to make arrangements for my little darlings or not attend.

That said, I think it's asking quite a lot of families, most of whom the OP said were OOT IIRC, to find childcare for a whole weekend.  Of course, the OP acknowledged that and has accepted that her no kids policy means some families will choose not to come and she's ok with that.

So,  I guess what I'm saying is, who ARE these people who presume you surely don't mean that their kids are not invited?  Sorry you're dealing with this, but hold your ground.  Get the wedding you want - it's not as if you're being unreasonable, IMO.

rluebbert

I wish I could have a kid free wedding!!! My FI has 13 nieces & nephews coming.. let me tell you they are a nightmare and NOBODY watches their own.. EVER! I want(ed) my wedding to be an upscale adults only evening but nobody can fathom I wouldn't want their precious little ones there-- OH NO! GOOD LUCK having it kid free. I envy you.

shughes8

So I feel like I'm reading my own blog!   We are getting married May 15th and although we stated the no children under 21 rule back 1 1/2 yrs ago when we first got engaged, then again on the save the dates and again on the website and then again addressed the invitations Mr and Mrs ONLY......and I am getting lots of crap about it.  We had 30+ kids also and have some cousins who don't watch their kids and I also had a cousin at my parents ann party lighting the table cloths on fire.....yet my aunt can't figure out why her kids aren't invited.  3 of my aunts have said they aren't coming b/c the kids can't come.  ARE YOU KIDDING!!!!    then I have some people saying that they are glad no kids are allowed because they get an evening out!  
I say stick to your guns, it sucks and people really make you feel guilty and they know exactly what they're doing. And why can't we actually have one day that is about what WE want...
Good Luck!

kaj1021

Oh yes, people are that rude!  We did not put kids on invites either, but they sure are bringing them.  Good job though sticking to your guns--we've given in!  Sadly because we have some kids that not that well behaved coming too!  Like they'll even remember or care!

Though, what's even worse--my neighbor is bringing her daughter that wasn't invited--and she's 45!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope I remember how this has made me feel when  I have kids and get invited to weddings in the future!

sarablymyer

Do you have someone that you or your guests could hire as a sitter for the night near your venue location or at the hotel where everyone is staying? I think offering a sitter is a good idea.

Daniellerose1987

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH!!!!!

I have been having the same problem. Yet I made the mistake of not putting it on the invites that this is a kid free event. I just told people that had children, that this was a kid free day and thats that..

Just stick to what you want, because if you end up letting them have their way you WILL regret it. Its your day amd keep it that way!

Mitcheld28

I totally understand. We are getting married in August and don't want any kids at the wedding. Sadly people are upset because our kids are the only ones that are going to be there. I would have such a big problem with other children except for that fact that people do not watch their kids at all. Mine children are not saints but between my Fiance, my mom, grandparents, and Aunts, and Uncles my kids have no choice but to behave...can't say the same about others. Bottom line you are paying for your wedding so you can have it anyway you want. If people don't understand then that is their loss not yours!! Keep your head up and enjoy your day.

jean07083

Bottom line, you are doing nothing wrong in this situation.  You AND your fiance agree on this No Kids Policy, and you do whatever you need to as politely as possible to enforce it.  People don't stop to think how expensive this whole process is for you and your family.  And you're right, it is their responsibility to find a sitter.  I'm guessing most parents have access to a sitter for these types of situations, if they don't that's not your problem. You'll be in the same situation one day, and you'll either find a sitter for the occasion or you'll have to pass it up.  That's kind of what they signed up for when they became parents.  People assume "No Kids" means you hate children and are actively trying to offend people, and it's just ridiculous.  Sure, kids are great, but not in droves at someone's wedding!

Stick to your guns.  Make sure your fiance keeps supporting you; if you two are on the same page that's really the most important thing.  Good Luck.

wolfstar1082

Well i hate to say it but you are really asking a lot from your guests. Finding a sitter for essentially three days, especially if they are going to need to be taken care of overnight is a lot to ask for. Not only do they have to find someone they trust, and pay for it, but they have to pay for flights or gas, a hotel, and a wedding present. Frankly if I were an OOT relative I'd find it too much of a burden and not bother coming. Money is tight for a lot of people and shelling out a ton of money for a relative who is asking so much is just plain irritating.

Second, as my dad says, this is not YOUR day! Your first wedding is for your family. Frankly, if it were only your day, just elope. Then it is literally for you and your fiance. You're choosing to have a big wedding because you supposedly want your friends and family there to celebrate with you. It should be important to you. So start acting like it. Perhaps let children come to the party and brunch or just brunch. Recommend babysitters so the OOTers can bring their children and have them watched while at the events so they aren't worried about leaving them for a weekend or the expense of hiring a babysitter for the weekend. I'd suggest reading Miss Manners if you are confused about handling your wedding. Frankly you could be a lot nicer and more accommodating without bending your "no kids at the wedding" rule. Your family would probably be a lot happier with you too. 

Kat112370

Just remember it is YOUR wedding! The only people you need to make happy is the two of you. If other people dont like it too bad for the. You are paying and you get to decide what will make your day great. I also believe that kids should not be at weddings and I have some of my own. Stay strong and dont let anyone make you feel guilty for doing what you want, you only get 1 wedding to remember(lets hope so) Good luck

JennaV26

Ughh I'm totally with you on this!!! I don't want ANY children at my wedding. I'm not even that concerned with the reception (if you find it appropriate to bring your children where there is an open bar and many of the guests are in their early to mid twenties, I won't tell you how to raise your kids...) but I don't want them anywhere near the ceremony. My cousin's baby screamed through my sister's wedding and they never took her out.

I've been fielding debates ever since we got engaged... most from FI's parents! They think that MY WEDDING is a "family event" but they're not giving a dime to it. Just stick to your guns. If people are so hung up about your wishes for YOUR wedding, you probably don't want them there anyway! I know I don't!

wolfstar1082

UGH!!! What is wrong with you people?! They're not paying a dime so let's not think about them at all?! So I assume they won't be buying you any presents? If so, then do what you want. But most wedding require guests to fork out about $100-150 in gifts, minimum. I'd say that firmly puts them in the "let's take into account their needs" realm. Even if they don't go etiquette still dictates they need to send a present. STOP BEING SO SELFISH!!! How would you feel if you spent a ton of money on a present, travel expenses, etc. then showed up and they were only serving meat and you were a vegetarian? Then when you got offended they said to you "well it's my wedding and if you have a problem you shouldn't have come"? How would you feel then? Frankly, by acting like they're not important, just an accessory, you're doing the same thing. Your family should be important to you, so stop acting like snobby twits. There's a huge difference between being polite, firm and graceful vs hard, arrogant and offensive. I'd suggest a lot of you learn that difference.