No kids = No Kids!

heatherd08

I too feel your pain! You would think that parents would want the opportunity to have an excuse for some "adult" time, and ship the kids off.

I've even had some family suggest that I offer babysitting at the wedding. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE in leaving your kid with a babysitter at the wedding and leaving a kid with a babysitter they arrange?

klarissa_witha_k

We also had some similar issues with this problem. There aren't very many of the people we're inviting that have kids but nonetheless we're still having a nice quiet outside kid-free wedding. We had the most trouble with one of our groomsmen whose daughter will be a year and a half by the time of the wedding. We very politely informed him that since we were having weekend festivities and providing a house for the entire wedding party that children were not invited. Needless to say I was called a bridezilla and informed that I was being unfair because his daughter would be old enough by the wedding. Alas his wife is going to stay with family that weekend and not come =( some people should just let go of their kids and enjoy a night out!

phope0283

I'm going through the same thing right now, only my fiance and I are struggling to have a child-free rehearsal dinner (specifically to avoid having one really nasty child in particular there).  The family has taken up arms against us and the whole thing is becoming this huge fight... My only response is "Guys, do you really WANT them there?"  Besides, I'm inviting them to the wedding, just not the dinner the night before.  And isn't this MY wedding?  When it's YOUR wedding, you can invite all the damned kids in the neighborhood.

LiteratureNut

I think that everyone has failed to discuss one option. No matter how much you state, reiterate, etc, etc, some one will bring their child. It will happen. Any time you invite that many people to a function, something will not go as you planned. I think you need to lighten up. It's supposed to be a fun day about you and your fiancé. If Little Johnny, terror that he is, does show up, oh well. You've got the word out to most people, there are bound to be some who don't heed your words. Don't let it ruin the day.

I also can't help to wonder why did you bother to invite OOT guests whom you knew had kids, but state that none of the wedding functions allowed kids, and no babysitter would be provided. It seems not to be a sincere invitation. I'm inviting you because I'm supposed to or because I want lots of gifts, but I don't want to make it possible for you to come to my wedding. Whether they leave the kids at home or try to find a babysitter in town, it seems like a lot to ask, more than what is reasonable. You are focused on all the things you are providing for your guests (party the night before, the wedding, and the wedding brunch), but it all kind of goes out the window when you can't provide what the guests who are parents need the most. 

Despite what our the bridal industry might tell you, this is not your day. The reception is for the guests because there is no reception with out the guests. Yes, you get a say, but you should try to accommodate their needs. As wolfstar pointed out,  you are expecting them to buy a gift for you pay travel expenses, they are paying just as much towards your wedding as you are for their seats at the different functions, if not more.

So take a breather, stay polite, and don't sweat it if someone brings a child.

gregobr8

I understand where you are coming from. It is hard to keep reiterating things to your family when they just don't seem to understand. But you are right it is your wedding. You are allowed to do what you want! I am also surprised so many people are complaining and not taking advantage of the situation, I know I would or my parents would and most of the parents I know would as well. Good luck with your wedding! I hope everything is perfect!

aprild515

I completely agree & my wedding will also be kid free.  The only child there will be my 11 year old, whom I do not see as a "child".  I have had some people express their dissatisfaction with this decision as well but it is your wedding.
I have never even wanted to bring my son to a wedding because then I can't have a good time because I'll be watching his every move.  I will never understand the parents that can't just leave their kids at home for a night.
Good Luck! I feel your pain as I am dealing with it myself. Remember, this is YOUR day and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

kkresel

We are having 3 junior bridesmaids and one junior grooms men + two flower girls in the wedding and discussed not allowing other kids at the wedding. After much debate with the parents i was convinced that you cant say no kids i you have that many kids in the bridal party. While i dont agree and believe it is a totally different thing for them to be guest then in the party, I say you stick to your plans and make it be know if a couple replies three and they have one child, you call them a tell them its adults only and no children. If they decide not to come, then so be it, it is your day not your day plus babysitting.

K

rrrachie

I think its fine not to invite kids. If your going to be more stressed by the 20 screaming, whining kids running around your reception dont have them. We have decided to not have children as well unless they are in the wedding party. So there are three and i am arranging a  babysitter to pick them up after the first hour of the reception.

jd24

Personally, I say go fo it! We're not having children at our wedding either -  because we don't want them. Pure and simple.

It's supposed to be a special day, and if that means you don't want the stress of kids to make it a little more special, then so be it! You are inviting your adult family and friends because you want those particular people to be there. And it works both ways - if they want to be there, they should respect your wishes.  It seems people are forgetting the reason they have been invited - you want them to be part of your day and to see you exchange vows with the love of your life. If this doesn't include children, it doesn't make you a horrible person - children neither care nor understand how important this ceremony is for you both. You want the day to be appreciated and not to be treated as a family day out! 
Just for once we should be allowed to ask something of these family/friends and not be made to feel like we are rude and mean for excluding their "little angels".

 I have a large family, most of whom we are not inviting as I rarely see them - no doubt this will be an issue too! Who needs it!?! It's entirely up to you what you chose and NO ONE should tell you it's wrong - personal preference makes us all unique

grcambra

I'm dealing with the exact same issue for my wedding!  We did very similar things, put it on our website (which is also listed on our save the date magnet), we even listed it on our response cards since my invitation designer stated that it was acceptable to state "adult only reception" and yet we still got people who were like..."What, I can't bring my precious angel?"  I've stuck to my guns on it and you should as well.  It's your day.  Your guests have two choices...either whine about it and therefore stay at home or suck it up, leave little Johnny with a sitter and have a good time by celebrating your special time with you as you have requested them to do.  Period.  End of story. 

Good Luck!

moniquew2003

I usually don't bother to reply to posts like this one, but as a bride WITH A 3 YEAR OLD...I have decided to have an adults only reception. During the ceremony, kids won't be a bother too much, and once you have kids, kids don't really bother you....however, I don't want to worry about kids messing up the reception hall or just being in the way, BUT I have offered parents an alternative, and maybe you should also consider it. Since you are offering all of these 5* amenities for your guests, maybe you should have an offsite location for kids. Many hotels do this. They allow for you to have a certain area (maybe one of the conference rooms) to have kids watch movies, and eat pizza, as long as they have a sitter...you can find sitters for cheap for these kinds of events...

I believe that if you truly love you guests, you'll be more understanding of their situation. Being out of town, and paying travel fees is enough. Perhaps you could be more understanding of your guests....If they are truely people you want as guests...otherwise, just don't care how they'll take it...and offer no solution...

My guests are all special to me, and I don't want anyone to miss out on sharing my day with me just because they were unable to get a sitter...I know how it is....but then again.....that's just my take on it..doubt you care, lol!

rosey51578

I totally understand where you are coming from.  I am going threw that same situation as we speak.  My problem is I am having my Nieces and Nephews at the wedding.  So i'm sure that will ruffle some feathers.  But they are my nieces and nephews.  Thats why i had to  tell everyone that I am only able to invite my first cousins.  They all have kids and it will just get way out of hand and to expensive.  Plus there kids are very , ummm energetic i guess you can say.  Wouldn't you think they would want a night out away from that responsibility of chasing them around.  I know i would.

I also made sure to send everyone a save the date so they could make the proper arrangements for that day.  I addressed the envelopes without the " and Family" so they would understand.  Unfortunatly they only see what they want to see. I hope in the end it will all work out and everyone will come and enjoy themselves.

The best of luck!!

Sing2phins

Are the children in all of your families out of control or something?  I mean, you all act like the parents will have to watch them constantly at the reception with no time to just enjoy themselves, but I've been to many weddings with LOTS of kids (my side of the family is huge) and the kids were just fine.  Yes, they run around on the dance floor and get a little silly, but, um, they're kids; that's what they do.  My cousin had a long table for all the kids in a little alcove off the main room where they had paper as the table cloth to draw on, fun little games, goodie bags with pretend jewlery and lttle cars, etc, and the kids mostly kept to themselves, and some were as young as three.  The more kids there are, the more they entertain themselves, especially if you have fun things for them to do.

As I said up-thread, I respect people's decision not to have kids at their wedding/reception, but I'm just wondering who all these demon children are that you seem to think will just RUIN "your" day.

Melindab78

I feel for you, had similar situations. Just respond that "We are really looking forward to seeing you two during the wedding weekend events, but understand if you can not make it due to childcare arrangements."  Also let them know that it would not be fair to have some and not all the children and since you are paying for the wedding yourselves, you can not afford to have children there.

THEN- and this is critical- assign someone who is NEUTRAL and have them stand guard. When someone comes with children, have them handle the situation- you enjoy your weekend/day. (maybe a wedding day planner at the location where your events will be- most usually have this for free).

Other options to consider (even though I know you are paying for the wedding yourselves)- have a teenager on standby for the weekend and pay her/him a reasonable rate to watch anyone (in a separate room) who still does not respect your and your fiance's wishes. If no one shows, pay her a reduced rate and send her home until the next day (just to be sure).

Finally- AND THIS IS IMPORTANT. Remember that it is your day and you have the right to have who you want AND DO NOT WANT at your wedding- do not let them make you feel  guilty about it.

Good luck!!

tellthreefriends

Just in case they bring them...and some will!...hire 2 or 3 babysitters, have a nursery room set aside and have all the ushers at the door take the kids there.

breepeyton

I'm having a "no-kid" wedding myself.  People do get really... hurt and offended.  But gimme a freakin break!  I have 3 kids of my own and yes, they'll be at the ceremony... but not the reception.  That's what I put on my invitations... Adult Reception.  Some people have a problem with it.  Oh well... don't come... sorry.  I will be calling certain people to reiterate this point though. 
Don't let it get you all wound up.  No kids allowed... we'd love to have you, but understand if you can't get away w/o the kids for the night.  COME ON PEOPLE... your kids will live for one evening w/o you lol

pingtang.8

I think the girl just needs an ear to vent and let out her frustration. Girlfriends are here for a reason and that is to lend a listening ear. I won't be having any children at my wedding either which is in 4 months. I AM expecting those calls and emails for exceptions. I am expecting the headaches. Actually, I will welcome those calls and emails and respond to all of them with a polite no. The only exception is newborns who still need to be breastfed...there are quite a few. It would be wonderful if we could include all the kids but if you have a big family and many relatives, and will be having a big wedding, it is hard to pay for all the kids. Especially, if you really don't have the money or realize how insane the cost of having around 30-50 kids would cost at the reception. Just think more positively, get a broader perspective and treat yourself at the spa!

ShannieLee

I'd like to start by saying I'm so sorry for your frustration becase as a future bride I do understand.  Black Tie or not you both have made a descision and gone beyond what you needed to do to let everyone know about it (if pepole where more considerate and just read the invites they should know).  IT IS YOUR DAY!!!
I'm going through something similiar because we're not only not having small children but if our guests are not married or engaged they don't get to bring a guest.  It's very hard to please eveyone so my advice is that of many I'm sure.  Just try to stay calm, keep your eye on the big day that you and your honey will be one.  Try to enjoy the rest of the planning.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:7b9bca19-b726-424b-a94c-38247ad588d6">No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]How is this such a difficult concept to grasp??? I am at a breaking point. When FI & I got engaged, we both immediately said "And No Kids at the Wedding!!". We love kids, we plan to have them, we plan to leave them with a sitter for other peoples weddings, and we don't plan on having any at ours.  We went to each friend / family member who has kids (or whom we suspected would be preggers by then) and explained to them (in person!) that we love kids, but that we've decided to have a kid-free adult only wedding weekend. (We're having a big party the night before, then the wedding, then the day after brunch). We set up a wedding website, the address was the save the date magnet, and on the FAQ section the first question is about kids being invited - the answer being that although we love children, No Children are invited to ANY of the weekend festivities.  Our invitations are being addressed to specific adults, no "& Family". And still, I'm fielding calls and emails and requests for kids at the wedding.  What's even better, some of my cousins are posting on FB that they'll 'see you this summer if "[I] let us bring the baby".  We're paying for this wedding, this is our decision, end of story. What is wrong with people??? It's a black tie wedding, and my cousins are infamous for not watching their kids at weddings. Plus, when you count all the kids we would be inviting (if we were), it's over 40!!   We knew from the start that we would have fewer guests because of this (Nearly everyone is OOT and travelling for the weekend). And we accepted that - still No Kids. End of story. And yet this morning I got another email saying they were excited about the wedding and little Johnny can't wait to see me in my dress. WTF?!?!? I'm sticking to my guns, I keep responding that we're so excited to see you this summer, please remember that all of the wedding activities are child free. We understand that some guests are unable to come to the wedding because of this and they will be missed.  What else can I do? Why are people this freaking rude? We don't have any kids in the wedding, and there's no one in a "grey zone" for age. They're either over 17, or under 9. That to me says the 17 yo can come, and the 9 year old cannot. If you can drive to the wedding, then you're not a kid.  I'm losing it. Seriously. Losing it. 
Posted by MrsRicePudding[/QUOTE]

cwilliams01sc

I'm with you on the whole "no children at the wedding" deal. I specifically addressed the invitations to JUST the adults, and I,too, am getting calls about people wanting to bring their kids. No way am I paying for a babysitter for three-year-old twins that weren't invited in the first place! UGH. I love kids, but I don't want them at my wedding. End of story. They don't behave and I refuse to pay $40 a plate for a four-year-old. We have no flower girl and no ring bearer, so no children! I do have a "gray area" though. I'm just concerned with the kids that are going to be loud, especially during the ceremony, which means no one under the age of 10. Most kids at that age can behave fairly well. I'm not saying they are all little angels at that age, but at least they won't be crying or pitching a fit like a toddler. That's really all I care about. Don't ruin my ceremony. Honestly, I think I won't even notice at the reception if anything happens with all of the music and fun. Good luck, but you might want to just consider lowering the age of what you consider a "child." If they are still on the boob or wearing diapers, NO NO NO. haha 

ShannieLee

Your the reason so many people elope.  Just because your big day was obviously dictated by your family doen't mean everyone's will be.  The couple didn't choose to have kids and at no point did she say she'd be mad at them if they couldn't make it. 
Your wrong it's there day.  Remember future bride, your true friends will be there and you can't pick your family

shamiek

I totally agree with you we don't plan on having kids on the day of our wedding.  I've never wanted kids there on my big day.  There are plenty of other appropriate family functions for kids to be at.  People do need to be respectful of your wishes regardless.  It's your day and if you and your FI are paying for everything then it should be how you want it, and if t here are those that don't understand that then so be it.  I remember going to my cousins wedding two years ago and all you heard all day was people yelling at their kids to sit still and stop being kids.  It was annoying, how do you yell at a 5 yo boy to stop being a 5 yo boy in a nice suit?  NO one needs that stress and all the adults should enjoy a fun, relaxed, ADULT party.

edonovan2010

i'm new to the Knot message board system, or any message board system at all, but I don't think casting judgement about other people when they're asking for help is polite or helpful.

In response to the no kids situation, my wedding is "child-free" as well although we're not having a black-tie wedding.  It does require tough skin when people seem to be blatantly ignoring your rule.  One thing I've done is just use polite phrases right back.  They say Johnny can't wait to see me in my dress, I'd say "Well I'll make sure to send you some wedding photos for him since text message images always come out flat for me."  They know the rule.  Even if you think they're going to break it, treat them as if they won't.  

I know when it gets closer to my wedding date, I'm going to call everyone who has kids and make sure their babysitter hunt wasn't too awful.  If they're really upset, I'm going to offer to help out.  Not monetarily but maybe making calls or figuring out if the hotel they're staying at for the weekend has a babysitter service.

I hope that helps at least a little bit  Good luck! 

absinthesilver

Totally agree!

cwilliams01sc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:7929eb46-191e-41c4-a7b3-0ffc815a0cae">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ughh I'm totally with you on this!!! I don't want ANY children at my wedding. I'm not even that concerned with the reception (if you find it appropriate to bring your children where there is an open bar and many of the guests are in their early to mid twenties, I won't tell you how to raise your kids...) but I don't want them anywhere near the ceremony. My cousin's baby screamed through my sister's wedding and they never took her out. I've been fielding debates ever since we got engaged... most from FI's parents! They think that MY WEDDING is a "family event" but they're not giving a dime to it. Posted by JennaV26[/QUOTE]


AMEN to that. There are some places where it's just not appropriate for a three year old, especially if the event was designed for ADULTS. It your and your fiance's day. Don't let people telll you that you are wrong for not wanting kids there. People like to think that all kids will behave, but what's even worse is when they don't and the parents do NOTHING about it. It's so rude, but that's a whole new conversation for another day. Enjoy your day and stick to your guns.

paulatouchtone

We are just putting adult only reception on the invite and letting it go at that. If someone rsvp's with their child, I will call them, or have my mom call them.

I only have 2 months to go and can't wait.

DierksBride

I'm on the similar boat. The only kids at our wedding are the kids IN the wedding. A lot of my mothers side of the family probably will not show becuase they think it is rude. But it is our wedding and our decision and the venue is not child friendly at all. My 2 yr old son is proof of that. Good Luck. Hope both of our weddings turn out the way we want.

jjackie1983

I am in the same position right now. We are hiring a baby sitter to come and take care of the children at our place during the reception. I am paying for the sitter only for my out of town guests. I know how hard it is to find some one to watch your children when you live out of town, so I thought it would be a nice option to smooth over the blow of not allowing children at the wedding. Good luck with your wedding plans!!

schneiderfenkellwedding

Hello!

I totally understand your frustration.  One option may be to set up a baby sitter at the hotel near or at your wedding.  It is difficult for people to take multi-day trips and leave their kids at home.  Making arrangements for somewhere the kids can go instead of going to your wedding could solve your problem.  You don't have to pay for it.  Just do a little problem solving for them because they don't seem to be able to see around it themselves.

Best of luck.
a

jessica.a.young

It doesn't matter if it's black tie.  It could be circus themed and if you said no kids, then no kids it should be.  I would just start telling people there's going to be strippers, and AK-47 demonstrations there.  Although with some of my family they might still do it.  I feel for you, you are doing everything you can.

eebjvs11

Ok... well, we are also having an adult reception aside from our immediate family, nobody is invited with their children that are under 17.  However, I am not going to go out of my way to pester people just in case they want to bring their kids.  I think that's a little overkill.  I come from a VERY large, Italian family and so does my fiance so we have about 466 people on our guest list right now, WITHOUT children (adding children would add about 100 more).  I am simply going to write out each persons name on the invitation that is invited so there is no confusion with the "and family" business.  I am also going to write on my RSVP cards each persons name with a spot to check whether or not they will be attending so there is NO option for them to write in their childs name.  I think it's a discreet, tasteful way to let them know that children aren't invited.  I am also going to tell my close family members to spread the word that it is an adult reception.  I also wrote on my wedding website how much we appreciate our family and friends and how sorry we are that we had to make some tough decisions about the guest list.  I wrote that unfortunately our wedding has gotten so large we had to make the decision not to invite children but we really appreciate our guests and we're very sorry for the inconvenience.  I think if you're respectful and NICE about it, they will understand for the most part.  You're always going to have someone who will be offended, but that's true with any part of your big day.  However, it seems to me that you are so worked up about the child issue that you're actually offending your guests before they even have a chance to read the invitation.  All I'm saying is, back off a little and be polite and loving - be the honey, not the venegar. You'll find that your guests are much more accomidating when they feel that you truly care whether or not they come.