Wedding Etiquette Forum

Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

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Re: Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

  • novodca said:
    novodca said:
    . And if you don't like it then just don't go. I don't see what the big deal is.
    Well aren't some people tricking their guests into attending a fake wedding?  So how would you know not to go, because they are pretending it's a real wedding? 
    Hey, if people wanna pay for a party and give me a meal, drinks and some good music then I don't really care what their motivation is. Any excuse to have a little fun! Now if they are expecting fancy gifts out of it then that's another story.
    Do people having a fake wedding usually tell the guests not to bring gifts?  From the way this post sounds, these people have fake weddings and the guests bring gifts because they don't know it's a fake wedding. I guess if they said "this is a fake wedding please don't bring a gift" then that would be better, but I didn't see anyone in here posting that.
  • jneen101 said:
    novodca said:
    novodca said:
    . And if you don't like it then just don't go. I don't see what the big deal is.
    Well aren't some people tricking their guests into attending a fake wedding?  So how would you know not to go, because they are pretending it's a real wedding? 
    Hey, if people wanna pay for a party and give me a meal, drinks and some good music then I don't really care what their motivation is. Any excuse to have a little fun! Now if they are expecting fancy gifts out of it then that's another story.
    Do people having a fake wedding usually tell the guests not to bring gifts?  From the way this post sounds, these people have fake weddings and the guests bring gifts because they don't know it's a fake wedding. I guess if they said "this is a fake wedding please don't bring a gift" then that would be better, but I didn't see anyone in here posting that.
    It's not better.  Telling people not to bring gifts is as good as saying, "Bring gifts" because it brings the expectation of a gift into light.

    And most of these assholes who have fake weddings are at least half in it for the gifts anyway.

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    KeptInStitchesAPDSS22PrettyGirlLost
  • frost2fafrost2fa member
    10 Comments
    edited November 2013
    ok, so i WAS going to do a PPD (because i didnt realize how horrible it apparently is, didnt even know it HAD a name and because im poor as crap and will have to save for about 10 years to have the wedding i want) so now i have to go back over it. Thanks. Now, one thing i do have to say... My brother has been saving up for 8 months to bring his bride-to-be over from her home country. He has been working 2 jobs ( about 70-80 hours a week) to save every penny he can. He supports our mother (cuz im not financially able to help) and supports his Fiance while she is on an unpaid internship to get her nursing degree.  They have 45 days to get married once she gets here and her paperwork went through 3 months faster than they expected. They cant, literally CAN'T, save up any money (since it was spent on plane trips back and forth, paperwork, medical bills and proof of support of her family by him) to have the wedding they both deserve. You are telling me that they should video tape their wedding (which will be a nice small JOP REAL wedding with about 10 people, all family) and then throw a giant party later when they can save up to cater and decorate and just replay it there? Cuz... that just sounds like it sucks.
    Sällskapdjur
  • Going to play "the devil's advocate" here....

    While I can understand why many people think that people who have a PPD is an entitlement to the bride (and is a farce to say the least), I'd rather see them have that than people who think they are entitled to food stamps and Medicaid because they have six kids by four different men....and don't work a day in their lives to get them.

    I'll get off my soap box now...
  • jneen101 said:
    novodca said:
    novodca said:
    . And if you don't like it then just don't go. I don't see what the big deal is.
    Well aren't some people tricking their guests into attending a fake wedding?  So how would you know not to go, because they are pretending it's a real wedding? 
    Hey, if people wanna pay for a party and give me a meal, drinks and some good music then I don't really care what their motivation is. Any excuse to have a little fun! Now if they are expecting fancy gifts out of it then that's another story.
    Do people having a fake wedding usually tell the guests not to bring gifts?  From the way this post sounds, these people have fake weddings and the guests bring gifts because they don't know it's a fake wedding. I guess if they said "this is a fake wedding please don't bring a gift" then that would be better, but I didn't see anyone in here posting that.
    All the details have already been discussed to death in another post, so I won't be reiterating here, but my FI and I will be legally married in the US prior to our symbolic ceremony in Mexico. Regardless of this fact, we will be requesting no gifts. We will not be explaining why we'd prefer our guests not give gifts but our legal standing is the least of it for us (we'd make the same request either way). We're having a DW and feel our guests traveling out of the country is gift enough. The idea that the mentioning of gifts by requesting "no gifts" is horribly tacky may very well be gospel in the proper etiquette circles, but I prefer we all act like adults and by that I mean, we all know most people give a gift at a wedding, that too is proper etiquette. There's simply no secret there.  We will be similarly requesting the same at our at-home after party, whatever name one would like to give it, reception, welcome home party, soiree. We do not want our friends and/or family invited to that event bringing a gift either. We just want to throw a party celebrating this milestone in our lives without burdening them with gift giving. I cannot say what other couples will be doing with their weddings/gifts but you mentioned no one had anything to say on the subject and thought I'd provide a POV from someone in such a situation. 
    dwhereicomeSällskapdjur
  • I'd just like to add a personal anecdote for those brides who may not be convinced by the arguments above.

    If you're thinking of getting married and keeping it a secret from the people you invite to your "big day" at a later date, please be advised that those people WILL find out. The past summer alone, two such couples were outed on my Facebook news feed. I'm not even invited to their "weddings" and even I know they're a sham. Someone will always spill the beans, however unintentionally, and it is not a pretty sight. I certainly wouldn't want to be fielding the "Wait, you're already MARRIED?!" comments they had to deal with. So please, think of your friends and family before you choose to deceive them!
    image
    PrettyGirlLostKeptInStitchesLiatris2010
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    jneen101 said:
    novodca said:
    novodca said:
    . And if you don't like it then just don't go. I don't see what the big deal is.
    Well aren't some people tricking their guests into attending a fake wedding?  So how would you know not to go, because they are pretending it's a real wedding? 
    Hey, if people wanna pay for a party and give me a meal, drinks and some good music then I don't really care what their motivation is. Any excuse to have a little fun! Now if they are expecting fancy gifts out of it then that's another story.
    Do people having a fake wedding usually tell the guests not to bring gifts?  From the way this post sounds, these people have fake weddings and the guests bring gifts because they don't know it's a fake wedding. I guess if they said "this is a fake wedding please don't bring a gift" then that would be better, but I didn't see anyone in here posting that.
    All the details have already been discussed to death in another post, so I won't be reiterating here, but my FI and I will be legally married in the US prior to our symbolic ceremony in Mexico. Regardless of this fact, we will be requesting no gifts. We will not be explaining why we'd prefer our guests not give gifts but our legal standing is the least of it for us (we'd make the same request either way). We're having a DW and feel our guests traveling out of the country is gift enough. The idea that the mentioning of gifts by requesting "no gifts" is horribly tacky may very well be gospel in the proper etiquette circles, but I prefer we all act like adults and by that I mean, we all know most people give a gift at a wedding, that too is proper etiquette. There's simply no secret there.  We will be similarly requesting the same at our at-home after party, whatever name one would like to give it, reception, welcome home party, soiree. We do not want our friends and/or family invited to that event bringing a gift either. We just want to throw a party celebrating this milestone in our lives without burdening them with gift giving. I cannot say what other couples will be doing with their weddings/gifts but you mentioned no one had anything to say on the subject and thought I'd provide a POV from someone in such a situation. 
    Your POV is not unique and the first legal wedding in the US is the wedding regardless of what it lacks.  The "symbolic" ceremony in Mexico is a reenactment but it is not your wedding regardless of what it has that the other does not.  That boat will have sailed. 
    PrettyGirlLostKeptInStitchesshaylagirl
  • Hi everyone, I just read this very interesting thread and I have a bit of cultural perspective that I'd like to share from my experiences living overseas. 

    Sometimes, 2 ceremonies are necessary. 

    For instance, many European countries do not recognize religious ceremonies.  So, it is necessary to have a civil ceremony to be married in the eyes of the law.  Of course, many people stop at that one ceremony, but if they are religious they will need another ceremony to be married in the eyes of the church.

    Contrary, other countries do not recognize civil ceremonies and some only recognize particular religious institutions. People may have to marry a couple of times to fit within the law.

    Now, if you don't live overseas and you didn't fall in love with someone from overseas, then the predicaments aren't applicable.

    However, there is a difference between a religious ceremony and a civil one. So, if a couple previously married for the law and now wants to get married for religion, then that's when 2 ceremonies are absolutely necessary.

    perdonamiNdelibleSällskapdjur
  • Hi everyone, I just read this very interesting thread and I have a bit of cultural perspective that I'd like to share from my experiences living overseas. 

    Sometimes, 2 ceremonies are necessary. 

    For instance, many European countries do not recognize religious ceremonies.  So, it is necessary to have a civil ceremony to be married in the eyes of the law.  Of course, many people stop at that one ceremony, but if they are religious they will need another ceremony to be married in the eyes of the church.

    Contrary, other countries do not recognize civil ceremonies and some only recognize particular religious institutions. People may have to marry a couple of times to fit within the law.

    Now, if you don't live overseas and you didn't fall in love with someone from overseas, then the predicaments aren't applicable.

    However, there is a difference between a religious ceremony and a civil one. So, if a couple previously married for the law and now wants to get married for religion, then that's when 2 ceremonies are absolutely necessary.

    This has already been discussed numerous times as well. We're talking about the united states where it's possible to have both the religious and legal ceremonies at the same time, making separate ceremonies pointless. This is not how the system works in England and/or other countries so this of course wouldn't apply.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

    PrettyGirlLostKeptInStitches[Deleted User]southernbelle0915
  • frost2fa said:
    ok, so i WAS going to do a PPD (because i didnt realize how horrible it apparently is, didnt even know it HAD a name and because im poor as crap and will have to save for about 10 years to have the wedding i want) so now i have to go back over it. Thanks. Now, one thing i do have to say... My brother has been saving up for 8 months to bring his bride-to-be over from her home country. He has been working 2 jobs ( about 70-80 hours a week) to save every penny he can. He supports our mother (cuz im not financially able to help) and supports his Fiance while she is on an unpaid internship to get her nursing degree.  They have 45 days to get married once she gets here and her paperwork went through 3 months faster than they expected. They cant, literally CAN'T, save up any money (since it was spent on plane trips back and forth, paperwork, medical bills and proof of support of her family by him) to have the wedding they both deserve. You are telling me that they should video tape their wedding (which will be a nice small JOP REAL wedding with about 10 people, all family) and then throw a giant party later when they can save up to cater and decorate and just replay it there? Cuz... that just sounds like it sucks.
    I'm telling you they should have the wedding they can afford when they want/need to and not expect something bigger/better/whatever.  If they have to get married within 45 days, then they plan the wedding before she gets here and have it during that window and live with that decision.  No one is entitled to a big, spectacular wedding.

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    jneen101 said:
    novodca said:
    novodca said:
    . And if you don't like it then just don't go. I don't see what the big deal is.
    Well aren't some people tricking their guests into attending a fake wedding?  So how would you know not to go, because they are pretending it's a real wedding? 
    Hey, if people wanna pay for a party and give me a meal, drinks and some good music then I don't really care what their motivation is. Any excuse to have a little fun! Now if they are expecting fancy gifts out of it then that's another story.
    Do people having a fake wedding usually tell the guests not to bring gifts?  From the way this post sounds, these people have fake weddings and the guests bring gifts because they don't know it's a fake wedding. I guess if they said "this is a fake wedding please don't bring a gift" then that would be better, but I didn't see anyone in here posting that.
    All the details have already been discussed to death in another post, so I won't be reiterating here, but my FI and I will be legally married in the US prior to our symbolic ceremony in Mexico. Regardless of this fact, we will be requesting no gifts. We will not be explaining why we'd prefer our guests not give gifts but our legal standing is the least of it for us (we'd make the same request either way). We're having a DW and feel our guests traveling out of the country is gift enough. The idea that the mentioning of gifts by requesting "no gifts" is horribly tacky may very well be gospel in the proper etiquette circles, but I prefer we all act like adults and by that I mean, we all know most people give a gift at a wedding, that too is proper etiquette. There's simply no secret there.  We will be similarly requesting the same at our at-home after party, whatever name one would like to give it, reception, welcome home party, soiree. We do not want our friends and/or family invited to that event bringing a gift either. We just want to throw a party celebrating this milestone in our lives without burdening them with gift giving. I cannot say what other couples will be doing with their weddings/gifts but you mentioned no one had anything to say on the subject and thought I'd provide a POV from someone in such a situation. 
    Your POV is not unique and the first legal wedding in the US is the wedding regardless of what it lacks.  The "symbolic" ceremony in Mexico is a reenactment but it is not your wedding regardless of what it has that the other does not.  That boat will have sailed. 
    I'm very unclear for whose benefit you took the time to type that. If it was to prove to other posters on this board that your two cents are in lockstep with theirs: mission accomplished. I provided my POV about what we are doing regarding wedding gifts because a poster asked, I assumed not rhetorically. Being in such a situation currently I am able to provide insight. It may not be "unique" in any way - but I do seem to be the only one offering to answer the question. I've been exceptionally clear on the facts surrounding our marriage certificate signing prior to our symbolic ceremony on a different post a couple of weeks ago and many posters expressed sadness, anger, disgust, outrage, feigned horror even and the end result is the same - we're still doing it exactly as will work best for us. And if wedding etiquette frowns upon that, we can live with that and are still excited as hell for our DW. I've looked at all different types of rules throughout my life the same, that they're made to be broken. Call it entitlement (which, as far as we're concerned we damn well are entitled to spend our money how we'd like, no one else is paying for our DW or the at-home reception) or narcissistic, name calling will not shade our joy.
    This is an etiquette board, and the etiquette of PPDs is clear-cut.  If you feel damn well entitled to do whatever you want regardless of that or your guests' needs, then why bother posting here?  And it doesn't earn you any points or sympathy.
    PrettyGirlLostaurorajanetteshaylagirl
  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    jneen101 said:
    novodca said:
    novodca said:
    . And if you don't like it then just don't go. I don't see what the big deal is.
    Well aren't some people tricking their guests into attending a fake wedding?  So how would you know not to go, because they are pretending it's a real wedding? 
    Hey, if people wanna pay for a party and give me a meal, drinks and some good music then I don't really care what their motivation is. Any excuse to have a little fun! Now if they are expecting fancy gifts out of it then that's another story.
    Do people having a fake wedding usually tell the guests not to bring gifts?  From the way this post sounds, these people have fake weddings and the guests bring gifts because they don't know it's a fake wedding. I guess if they said "this is a fake wedding please don't bring a gift" then that would be better, but I didn't see anyone in here posting that.
    All the details have already been discussed to death in another post, so I won't be reiterating here, but my FI and I will be legally married in the US prior to our symbolic ceremony in Mexico. Regardless of this fact, we will be requesting no gifts. We will not be explaining why we'd prefer our guests not give gifts but our legal standing is the least of it for us (we'd make the same request either way). We're having a DW and feel our guests traveling out of the country is gift enough. The idea that the mentioning of gifts by requesting "no gifts" is horribly tacky may very well be gospel in the proper etiquette circles, but I prefer we all act like adults and by that I mean, we all know most people give a gift at a wedding, that too is proper etiquette. There's simply no secret there.  We will be similarly requesting the same at our at-home after party, whatever name one would like to give it, reception, welcome home party, soiree. We do not want our friends and/or family invited to that event bringing a gift either. We just want to throw a party celebrating this milestone in our lives without burdening them with gift giving. I cannot say what other couples will be doing with their weddings/gifts but you mentioned no one had anything to say on the subject and thought I'd provide a POV from someone in such a situation. 
    Your POV is not unique and the first legal wedding in the US is the wedding regardless of what it lacks.  The "symbolic" ceremony in Mexico is a reenactment but it is not your wedding regardless of what it has that the other does not.  That boat will have sailed. 
    I'm very unclear for whose benefit you took the time to type that. If it was to prove to other posters on this board that your two cents are in lockstep with theirs: mission accomplished. I provided my POV about what we are doing regarding wedding gifts because a poster asked, I assumed not rhetorically. Being in such a situation currently I am able to provide insight. It may not be "unique" in any way - but I do seem to be the only one offering to answer the question. I've been exceptionally clear on the facts surrounding our marriage certificate signing prior to our symbolic ceremony on a different post a couple of weeks ago and many posters expressed sadness, anger, disgust, outrage, feigned horror even and the end result is the same - we're still doing it exactly as will work best for us. And if wedding etiquette frowns upon that, we can live with that and are still excited as hell for our DW. I've looked at all different types of rules throughout my life the same, that they're made to be broken. Call it entitlement (which, as far as we're concerned we damn well are entitled to spend our money how we'd like, no one else is paying for our DW or the at-home reception) or narcissistic, name calling will not shade our joy.
    This is an etiquette board, and the etiquette of PPDs is clear-cut.  If you feel damn well entitled to do whatever you want regardless of that or your guests' needs, then why bother posting here?  And it doesn't earn you any points or sympathy.
    I bothered to post in response to a clear cut question of what people such as myself do about gifts in our particular situation. You then responded with an asinine comment. I never started my own thread encouraging anyone else to follow in my footsteps, because frankly, I do not care how other people end up married, so I don't think I've even crossed any lines by insisting anyone else similarly breach etiquette as I am. I damn sure am not looking for "points" because who would I be winning with, you all? Thanks, I'm good there. And sympathy? Sympathy for what exactly, I'm not seeking solace for anything? A legit question was thrown out about gifts. I answered it, period. Without someone like myself giving perspective from a different point of view or circumstances, the rest of you can only speculate on what we're doing. I'm starting to figure out that's perfectly acceptable to most of you. There is clearly very little civil discourse between parties who do not see eye to eye. There's a bunch of rude comments and stupid gifs and apparently the only way legitimate questions get answered is via speculation, because if someone with firsthand knowledge answers she gets bogged down mired in this exact type of crap. I simply explained why we're asking our guests to not give us gifts. At no point was I or will I ever look for validation here or anywhere. I don't need it, my self esteem is just fine and strangers agreeing with me on the internet (or elsewhere) doesn't give me the warm fuzzies. I answered the question about gifts which was my only interest in commenting. The rest of this is superfluous at best. 
    LonelillykkjaneperdonamiNdelible
  • frost2fafrost2fa member
    10 Comments
    edited November 2013

    Its also not proper to walk down the isle unescorted. Brides do what brides do. Its their day, let them have it. Dont be offended because you are happy with your JOP or small ceremony. People who feel the need to have 2 days (im not offended though i would like to know ahead of time, and i would be happy that they wanted to include me in their day, even if it was a second one.) arent purposely insulting your wedding, and for those of you who say military shouldnt get an extra shot, you have no idea what you are talking about. Just because one cousin chose not to doesnt mean they are right. Military life is not something non-military people should have any comment on.

    sunshinejenn03kkjane
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @pdkh, wish I could love it x100.
    grumbledore
  • @pdkh, wish I could love it x100.
    I'll add another x1000!

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

    grumbledore
  • PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited November 2013
    PDKH said:
    frost2fa said:

    Its also not proper to walk down the isle unescorted. Brides do what brides do. Its their day, let them have it. Dont be offended because you are happy with your JOP or small ceremony. People who feel the need to have 2 days (im not offended though i would like to know ahead of time, and i would be happy that they wanted to include me in their day, even if it was a second one.) arent purposely insulting your wedding, and for those of you who say military shouldnt get an extra shot, you have no idea what you are talking about. Just because one cousin chose not to doesnt mean they are right. Military life is not something non-military people should have any comment on.

    Oh hi there @frost2fa

    So I guess I'm allowed to comment since I am, in fact, a future military spouse to an active duty soldier. My fiance and I have made it through a deployment, we currently on year three of long distance, and we're lucky if we see each other every 6 months. I assume that qualifies me to speak here?

    Military couples who abuse federal tax dollars and stomp all over etiquette and the sanctity of marriage should be ashamed of the disservice they are doing to their service and their uniform. Our military is a volunteer military - you or your spouse VOLUNTEERED to make a sacrifice. That doesn't entitle you to be excused from common decency. Women with attitudes like yours make me ashamed to be a military spouse. 

    Please, PLEASE, explain to me why military couples are so much more special than any other struggling couple out there. 
    This is awesome. Thank you and your FI for the sacrifices you make (even if it was volunteered). I come from a military family and absolutely love what you said times another 1000.

    aurorajanettePrettyGirlLostMrsDeRuyter87
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