I just got into a heated discussion with a coworker about open vs cash bars. She is firmly on cash bar and no matter what I say, she is NOT having an open bar. I discovered it boils down to the fact that she does not think the reception is a thank you to guests. She views it as partying with the guests instead. It was getting loud so I left and went back to my desk.
I hope your co-worker understands when everyone leaves en masse.
I've been to a lot of weddings over the years with cash bars and while they're personally not my cup of tea, I've never seen the guests leave en masse. Not ever, once. If these people are in a region where this is common practice no one is even going to side eye it, let alone leave just because they have to pay for drinks.
My point was for posting the story was I thought it was interesting that she didn't think the reception was a thank you for the guests. She thought it was just a party for the bride and groom. It made me wonder if most of the pro-cash bar people feel the same way.
My point was for posting the story was I thought it was interesting that she didn't think the reception was a thank you for the guests. She thought it was just a party for the bride and groom. It made me wonder if most of the pro-cash bar people feel the same way.
Of course! The day is all about them after all. Why should they pay when the guests should be honored just to be invited! *eye roll*
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!
Wow! Did not realize there were so many opinions on this matter. Unfortunately I'm kind of forced to do a cash bar. My immediate family (who are paying) are adamantly opposed to alcohol for any reason (lots of alcohol and substance abuse in the extended family) so suggesting that we pay for anyone's alcohol would've been a massive slap in the face to them. And the venue doesn't allow us to close the bar, so cash bar was the only option we had. Hopefully friends and family will forgive me for this "rude" scenario...
Wow! Did not realize there were so many opinions on this matter. Unfortunately I'm kind of forced to do a cash bar. My immediate family (who are paying) are adamantly opposed to alcohol for any reason (lots of alcohol and substance abuse in the extended family) so suggesting that we pay for anyone's alcohol would've been a massive slap in the face to them. And the venue doesn't allow us to close the bar, so cash bar was the only option we had. Hopefully friends and family will forgive me for this "rude" scenario...
This does not force you to do a cash bar. You can find another venue with no bar.
Wow! Did not realize there were so many opinions on this matter. Unfortunately I'm kind of forced to do a cash bar. My immediate family (who are paying) are adamantly opposed to alcohol for any reason (lots of alcohol and substance abuse in the extended family) so suggesting that we pay for anyone's alcohol would've been a massive slap in the face to them. And the venue doesn't allow us to close the bar, so cash bar was the only option we had. Hopefully friends and family will forgive me for this "rude" scenario...
This does not force you to do a cash bar. You can find another venue with no bar.
Oh FFS. Can't we just allow one person to have an exception? You would really expect a person to change their entire venue? Would you side eye someone you loved for choosing a venue they loved and then hitting a wall with the venue not allowing a closed bar?
Wow! Did not realize there were so many opinions on this matter. Unfortunately I'm kind of forced to do a cash bar. My immediate family (who are paying) are adamantly opposed to alcohol for any reason (lots of alcohol and substance abuse in the extended family) so suggesting that we pay for anyone's alcohol would've been a massive slap in the face to them. And the venue doesn't allow us to close the bar, so cash bar was the only option we had. Hopefully friends and family will forgive me for this "rude" scenario...
This does not force you to do a cash bar. You can find another venue with no bar.
Oh FFS. Can't we just allow one person to have an exception? You would really expect a person to change their entire venue? Would you side eye someone you loved for choosing a venue they loved and then hitting a wall with the venue not allowing a closed bar?
Yes. Cash bars are rude, FFS. It is never polite to expect one's guests to buy their own provisions. Sorry, but this is something I would side-eye (and so would her guests, justifiably), because she is not stuck with this venue. It is not "lovable" that it is trying to force her to be rude in the interest of making itself money. That just means that this is not a "lovable" venue.
Yes. Cash bars are rude, FFS. It is never polite to expect one's guests to buy their own provisions. Sorry, but this is something I would side-eye (and so would her guests, justifiably), because she is not stuck with this venue. It is not "lovable" that it is trying to force her to be rude in the interest of making itself money. That just means that this is not a "lovable" venue.
Like I said in a previous reply, every venue in our area that's open in the winter has the same policy. It's pretty standard around here. Luckily, no one I've talked to has cared about the cash bar whatsoever since it's a morning wedding and most people aren't planning on having drinks anyway.
Yes. Cash bars are rude, FFS. It is never polite to expect one's guests to buy their own provisions. Sorry, but this is something I would side-eye (and so would her guests, justifiably), because she is not stuck with this venue. It is not "lovable" that it is trying to force her to be rude in the interest of making itself money. That just means that this is not a "lovable" venue.
Like I said in a previous reply, every venue in our area that's open in the winter has the same policy. It's pretty standard around here. Luckily, no one I've talked to has cared about the cash bar whatsoever since it's a morning wedding and most people aren't planning on having drinks anyway.
In the box
Why don't you and your FI pay for the bar? Then your family doesn't have to pay for it, and neither do your guests.
Yes. Cash bars are rude, FFS. It is never polite to expect one's guests to buy their own provisions. Sorry, but this is something I would side-eye (and so would her guests, justifiably), because she is not stuck with this venue. It is not "lovable" that it is trying to force her to be rude in the interest of making itself money. That just means that this is not a "lovable" venue.
Like I said in a previous reply, every venue in our area that's open in the winter has the same policy. It's pretty standard around here. Luckily, no one I've talked to has cared about the cash bar whatsoever since it's a morning wedding and most people aren't planning on having drinks anyway.
I would not side eye this at all. I hope your wedding is lovely. I would spend the time I was at your wedding celebrating with you, and I would think your guests would too.
Yes. Cash bars are rude, FFS. It is never polite to expect one's guests to buy their own provisions. Sorry, but this is something I would side-eye (and so would her guests, justifiably), because she is not stuck with this venue. It is not "lovable" that it is trying to force her to be rude in the interest of making itself money. That just means that this is not a "lovable" venue.
Like I said in a previous reply, every venue in our area that's open in the winter has the same policy. It's pretty standard around here. Luckily, no one I've talked to has cared about the cash bar whatsoever since it's a morning wedding and most people aren't planning on having drinks anyway.
I would not side eye this at all. I hope your wedding is lovely. I would spend the time I was at your wedding celebrating with you, and I would think your guests would too.
@clarekundinger, if you read through the rest of this thread and in other threads on this board regarding cash bars, you will find that you are in a tiny minority here. Just about everyone else would side-eye it. If a venue does this, then you owe it to your guests to fall out of love with it and not stick them with the bill for entertaining them. It's called good, proper hosting.
Wow! Did not realize there were so many opinions on this matter. Unfortunately I'm kind of forced to do a cash bar. My immediate family (who are paying) are adamantly opposed to alcohol for any reason (lots of alcohol and substance abuse in the extended family) so suggesting that we pay for anyone's alcohol would've been a massive slap in the face to them. And the venue doesn't allow us to close the bar, so cash bar was the only option we had. Hopefully friends and family will forgive me for this "rude" scenario...
I don't understand how asking the alcoholics to pay for their vice makes this a better choice at all.
Wow! Did not realize there were so many opinions on this matter. Unfortunately I'm kind of forced to do a cash bar. My immediate family (who are paying) are adamantly opposed to alcohol for any reason (lots of alcohol and substance abuse in the extended family) so suggesting that we pay for anyone's alcohol would've been a massive slap in the face to them. And the venue doesn't allow us to close the bar, so cash bar was the only option we had. Hopefully friends and family will forgive me for this "rude" scenario...
I don't understand how asking the alcoholics to pay for their vice makes this a better choice at all.
BINGO! If concern for alcoholics was the true motivation you'd find a venue with no bar. Did you now inquire about bar options before booking? Because that's a critical thing to do.
You are putting your wants over being a gracious host. Your guests won't know why you've chosen a cash bar so your reasoning is irrelevant. They will simply think you wanted them to pay a part of their own thank you party.
I truly cannot imagine that the majority of venues in your area are only open bar or cash bar. It just doesn't make sense to me. Either you haven't looked hard enough or you're being too picky. You are choosing to put a particular season, year, date, and venue over your guests' comfort. The right thing to do would be to pay for the bar yourselves. It doesn't have to be a full open bar either- beer and wine is perfectly acceptable! Otherwise have the cash bar and just own the fact that you've chosen to be a rude hostess and many of your guests will feel the same.
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!
Yes. Cash bars are rude, FFS. It is never polite to expect one's guests to buy their own provisions. Sorry, but this is something I would side-eye (and so would her guests, justifiably), because she is not stuck with this venue. It is not "lovable" that it is trying to force her to be rude in the interest of making itself money. That just means that this is not a "lovable" venue.
Like I said in a previous reply, every venue in our area that's open in the winter has the same policy. It's pretty standard around here. Luckily, no one I've talked to has cared about the cash bar whatsoever since it's a morning wedding and most people aren't planning on having drinks anyway.
I would not side eye this at all. I hope your wedding is lovely. I would spend the time I was at your wedding celebrating with you, and I would think your guests would too.
@clarekundinger, if you read through the rest of this thread and in other threads on this board regarding cash bars, you will find that you are in a tiny minority here. Just about everyone else would side-eye it. If a venue does this, then you owe it to your guests to fall out of love with it and not stick them with the bill for entertaining them. It's called good, proper hosting.
Oh I've read through them. The problem is that I don't want people in my lifeas judgmental as that. I don't feel badly about a bride and groom if they have a cash bar and I especially don't if the venue makes it their only option. I feel like it is almost more convenient for me to have a cash bar available to me instead of free beer and wine because I don't drink either. Also it's not about the bar to me. It's not about a free night of drinking or even a free meal and punch at a dry wedding. A wedding to me, as a guest, is about supporting and celebrating the love between people I also love. Yes I feel like there are some super tacky things but I would never leave a wedding (as has been suggested) or take away from a present I brought for the bride and groom (as also had been suggested) because of a cash bar. I wouldn't side it. I would go to the wedding and love and support my friends or family because that is the kind of person that I am. Honestly anyone who would leave my wedding if there was a cash bar or take their gift back to buy their drinks at my wedding, I wouldn't want there. I choose to think that my friends and family are better than that and want to love and support me, not judge and belittle me. If I think something is tacky at a weddings such as a honeymoon find I simply will not participate in that thing. I won't leave the wedding or judge the couple harshly and gossip about it with all my friends badly.
Yes. Cash bars are rude, FFS. It is never polite to expect one's guests to buy their own provisions. Sorry, but this is something I would side-eye (and so would her guests, justifiably), because she is not stuck with this venue. It is not "lovable" that it is trying to force her to be rude in the interest of making itself money. That just means that this is not a "lovable" venue.
Like I said in a previous reply, every venue in our area that's open in the winter has the same policy. It's pretty standard around here. Luckily, no one I've talked to has cared about the cash bar whatsoever since it's a morning wedding and most people aren't planning on having drinks anyway.
I would not side eye this at all. I hope your wedding is lovely. I would spend the time I was at your wedding celebrating with you, and I would think your guests would too.
@clarekundinger, if you read through the rest of this thread and in other threads on this board regarding cash bars, you will find that you are in a tiny minority here. Just about everyone else would side-eye it. If a venue does this, then you owe it to your guests to fall out of love with it and not stick them with the bill for entertaining them. It's called good, proper hosting.
Oh I've read through them. The problem is that I don't want people in my lifeas judgmental as that. I don't feel badly about a bride and groom if they have a cash bar and I especially don't if the venue makes it their only option. I doubt any venue offers a cash bar as the only option. Learn to negotiate people! I feel like it is almost more convenient for me to have a cash bar available to me instead of free beer and wine because I don't drink either. When you host an event you need to put the comfort and needs of your guests over what is convenient for you. You have been posting around here long enough to know this.
Also it's not about the bar to me. It's not about a free night of drinking or even a free meal and punch at a dry wedding. A wedding to me, as a guest, is about supporting and celebrating the love between people I also love. This has nothing to do with being pissed as a guest at not being properly hosted at an event that is supposed to be in THEIR honor. That's right, the reception is thrown in honor of the GUESTS in order to thank them for coming to the wedding ceremony and supporting and celebrating the love of the Bride and Groom. The reception is not for the Bride and Groom, they aren't really the guests of honor, they are the hosts. Since the reception is for the guests, this is why it is rude and tacky for the hosts to force the guests to pay for their own drinks.
Yes I feel like there are some super tacky things but I would never leave a wedding (as has been suggested) or take away from a present I brought for the bride and groom (as also had been suggested) because of a cash bar. Taking away the cash that was meant to be given as a wedding gift was not brought up as a retaliation tactic. People stated that when they attend weddings the only cash they have on hand is that which they intend to give as a gift to the Bride and Groom. Therefore, if they are surprised by a cash bar after ordering their drink, they are forced to use their gift money in order to pay for the drink.ATMs don't exist at every venue, and if people don't have cash on hand they may not even have a debit or credit card either. I wouldn't side it. I would go to the wedding and love and support my friends or family because that is the kind of person that I am. Honestly anyone who would leave my wedding if there was a cash bar or take their gift back to buy their drinks at my wedding, I wouldn't want there. So would you prefer they not pay for their drinks? Or do you mean that you are going to pay for them by properly hosting your event in the 1st place? I choose to think that my friends and family are better than that and want to love and support me, not judge and belittle me. If I think something is tacky at a weddings such as a honeymoon find I simply will not participate in that thing. I won't leave the wedding or judge the couple harshly and gossip about it with all my friends badly.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Wow! Did not realize there were so many opinions on this matter. Unfortunately I'm kind of forced to do a cash bar. My immediate family (who are paying) are adamantly opposed to alcohol for any reason (lots of alcohol and substance abuse in the extended family) so suggesting that we pay for anyone's alcohol would've been a massive slap in the face to them. And the venue doesn't allow us to close the bar, so cash bar was the only option we had. Hopefully friends and family will forgive me for this "rude" scenario...
Just because someone likes to drink alcohol does not mean that they are an alcoholic. If you don't want people getting drunk at your wedding because they are alcoholics and drug addicts, why are you inviting these people to begin with? Did it ever cross your mind to not surround yourself with these people?
Wow! Did not realize there were so many opinions on this matter. Unfortunately I'm kind of forced to do a cash bar. My immediate family (who are paying) are adamantly opposed to alcohol for any reason (lots of alcohol and substance abuse in the extended family) so suggesting that we pay for anyone's alcohol would've been a massive slap in the face to them. And the venue doesn't allow us to close the bar, so cash bar was the only option we had. Hopefully friends and family will forgive me for this "rude" scenario...
Just because someone likes to drink alcohol does not mean that they are an alcoholic. If you don't want people getting drunk at your wedding because they are alcoholics and drug addicts, why are you inviting these people to begin with? Did it ever cross your mind to not surround yourself with these people?
Stuck in a quote box
Really?? These are my family members. These are aunts, uncles, and cousins I grew up with. Most of them are recovering and have been doing very well for a long time. The ones that aren't doing so well are still my family, and I still love them and have invited them to the most important day of my life.
But that's neither here nor there. The bottom line is that an open bar would offend my parents (mostly my mother) and make them incredibly uncomfortable, no matter who paid for it. Gonna have to resign myself to bad host/good daughter here, and I'm okay with that. It would've been great to find a venue without a bar, but I'm not going to move my wedding to a different season, or make guests travel any further than they already are, or take any of the other ridiculous suggestions that have been made just to make myself appear like a better host.
Wow! Did not realize there were so many opinions on this matter. Unfortunately I'm kind of forced to do a cash bar. My immediate family (who are paying) are adamantly opposed to alcohol for any reason (lots of alcohol and substance abuse in the extended family) so suggesting that we pay for anyone's alcohol would've been a massive slap in the face to them. And the venue doesn't allow us to close the bar, so cash bar was the only option we had. Hopefully friends and family will forgive me for this "rude" scenario...
Just because someone likes to drink alcohol does not mean that they are an alcoholic. If you don't want people getting drunk at your wedding because they are alcoholics and drug addicts, why are you inviting these people to begin with? Did it ever cross your mind to not surround yourself with these people?
Stuck in a quote box
Really?? These are my family members. These are aunts, uncles, and cousins I grew up with. Most of them are recovering and have been doing very well for a long time. The ones that aren't doing so well are still my family, and I still love them and have invited them to the most important day of my life.
But that's neither here nor there. The bottom line is that an open bar would offend my parents (mostly my mother) and make them incredibly uncomfortable, no matter who paid for it. Gonna have to resign myself to bad host/good daughter here, and I'm okay with that. It would've been great to find a venue without a bar, but I'm not going to move my wedding to a different season, or make guests travel any further than they already are, or take any of the other ridiculous suggestions that have been made just to make myself appear like a better host.
If your family is really as full of recovering alcoholics as you say, then why are you having any booze at your reception at all? Why not have a dry reception? Especially since you said your wedding is in the morning.
And how is it that your mother would be offended if you properly hosted the bar, but she wouldn't be offended if other people purchased their own alcohol? Sorry, but this seems like an excuse not to pay for an open or limited bar. . . which isn't required for a reception, but if you are going to have alcohol then you should be the one footing the bill, not your guests.
The argument that Thus and Such Bride isn't having an open bar because family members are alcoholics is just BS in my opinion; Alcoholics are alcoholics because they cannot control their urge to drink and they drink to excess. They will do this no matter if they have to pay for their own drinks or if there is an open bar. Don't use alcoholism as an excuse to be a poor host.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Wow! Did not realize there were so many opinions on this matter. Unfortunately I'm kind of forced to do a cash bar. My immediate family (who are paying) are adamantly opposed to alcohol for any reason (lots of alcohol and substance abuse in the extended family) so suggesting that we pay for anyone's alcohol would've been a massive slap in the face to them. And the venue doesn't allow us to close the bar, so cash bar was the only option we had. Hopefully friends and family will forgive me for this "rude" scenario...
Just because someone likes to drink alcohol does not mean that they are an alcoholic. If you don't want people getting drunk at your wedding because they are alcoholics and drug addicts, why are you inviting these people to begin with? Did it ever cross your mind to not surround yourself with these people?
Stuck in a quote box
Really?? These are my family members. These are aunts, uncles, and cousins I grew up with. Most of them are recovering and have been doing very well for a long time. The ones that aren't doing so well are still my family, and I still love them and have invited them to the most important day of my life.
But that's neither here nor there. The bottom line is that an open bar would offend my parents (mostly my mother) and make them incredibly uncomfortable, no matter who paid for it. Gonna have to resign myself to bad host/good daughter here, and I'm okay with that. It would've been great to find a venue without a bar, but I'm not going to move my wedding to a different season, or make guests travel any further than they already are, or take any of the other ridiculous suggestions that have been made just to make myself appear like a better host.
If your family is really as full of recovering alcoholics as you say, then why are you having any booze at your reception at all? Why not have a dry reception? Especially since you said your wedding is in the morning.
And how is it that your mother would be offended if you properly hosted the bar, but she wouldn't be offended if other people purchased their own alcohol? Sorry, but this seems like an excuse not to pay for an open or limited bar. . . which isn't required for a reception, but if you are going to have alcohol then you should be the one footing the bill, not your guests.
The argument that Thus and Such Bride isn't having an open bar because family members are alcoholics is just BS in my opinion; Alcoholics are alcoholics because they cannot control their urge to drink and they drink to excess. They will do this no matter if they have to pay for their own drinks or if there is an open bar. Don't use alcoholism as an excuse to be a poor host.
All of this.
If you are truly worried about the alcoholics in your family, have a dry reception. A cash bar won't prevent them from drinking. But it will prevent you from being a gracious host. And your mother's logic makes no sense. If asking her to pay for alcohol would be a "slap in the face," just having alcohol should also be a "slap in the face" regardless of whose paying for it. You also could always pay for the bar yourself like a grown up. Or choose to not have alcohol at all. If alcohol was this big of an issue, why on earth did you not research venues and bar policies FROM THE START. I guarantee there are venues that would allow the bar to be closed if you told them it was not negotiable. You wouldn't be the first person to make the demand as lots of cultures/individuals are 100% opposed to having alcohol present.
These people will drink to excess if there is alcohol, regardless of whether it is hosted. And you will be a rude hostess if there is a cash bar, regardless of your "reasons" why.
Pony up the cash and pay for the bar yourself or have a dry reception.
Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
When someone offers to drop $20k on me in one day, I'm not about to stamp my feet and whine about the one thing they won't compromise on. It would've been great if we could have had a dry reception, but there were only three venues in the state that had everything we wanted and all of them had the "we don't close the bar" policy (I'm sure most of you still don't believe me, but FFS it is the truth). Having grown up in a family that doesn't drink, whether or not I could ask the venue to shut down the bar was just not something that would have ever occurred to me. No matter what, we weren't going to host a bar, whether it was there or not.
When someone offers to drop $20k on me in one day, I'm not about to stamp my feet and whine about the one thing they won't compromise on. It would've been great if we could have had a dry reception, but there were only three venues in the state that had everything we wanted and all of them had the "we don't close the bar" policy (I'm sure most of you still don't believe me, but FFS it is the truth). Having grown up in a family that doesn't drink, whether or not I could ask the venue to shut down the bar was just not something that would have ever occurred to me. No matter what, we weren't going to host a bar, whether it was there or not.
So it has zero to do with pleasing your mom and all to do with doing it the way you want - even if doing so is rude?
It's a good thing that all alcoholics only drink when it's free and never when it's hosted.
When someone offers to drop $20k on me in one day, I'm not about to stamp my feet and whine about the one thing they won't compromise on. It would've been great if we could have had a dry reception, but there were only three venues in the state that had everything we wanted and all of them had the "we don't close the bar" policy (I'm sure most of you still don't believe me, but FFS it is the truth). Having grown up in a family that doesn't drink, whether or not I could ask the venue to shut down the bar was just not something that would have ever occurred to me. No matter what, we weren't going to host a bar, whether it was there or not.
I don't understand how paying for something your mother don't want to pay for but is fine being there is "stomping your feet" or whining. Clearly your mother doesn't have a problem with the bar being there (since there will be a cash one), she just doesn't want to pay for it.
And no, I don't believe you. Because most places when you say "If you won't allow us to close the bar, we will be taking our business elsewhere" will compromise. Do no Mormons, Baptists or recovering alcoholics get married in your state? Surely you can't tell me there are NO venues that wouldn't allow you to close the bar.
And you say there were only three venues that had "everything YOU wanted" so basically you put what YOU wanted ahead of being a good hostess.
Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
So it has zero to do with pleasing your mom and all to do with doing it the way you want - even if doing so is rude?
It's a good thing that all alcoholics only drink when it's free and never when it's hosted.
...that's not what I said at all. If my parents weren't involved in the wedding and I were paying for everything myself, there'd be an open bar and it'd be a VERY different event. But I'm not hosting the wedding, they are, so I'm trying to be respectful of their opinions.
So it has zero to do with pleasing your mom and all to do with doing it the way you want - even if doing so is rude?
It's a good thing that all alcoholics only drink when it's free and never when it's hosted.
...that's not what I said at all. If my parents weren't involved in the wedding and I were paying for everything myself, there'd be an open bar and it'd be a VERY different event. But I'm not hosting the wedding, they are, so I'm trying to be respectful of their opinions.
But they are not hosting the bar, they have moved that onto your guests, which is rude. There is no problem in you and your FI paying for the bar. If your parent's don't want to pay for the bar, that is fine, but then you should.
We always say who pays has the say, however, just because someone if paying, doesn't mean they can be rude to your guests.
So it has zero to do with pleasing your mom and all to do with doing it the way you want - even if doing so is rude?
It's a good thing that all alcoholics only drink when it's free and never when it's hosted.
...that's not what I said at all. If my parents weren't involved in the wedding and I were paying for everything myself, there'd be an open bar and it'd be a VERY different event. But I'm not hosting the wedding, they are, so I'm trying to be respectful of their opinions.
If they're paying and don't want to pay for an open bar, then you need to find a different venue and not use one that forces you to violate etiquette. That means that you need to "fall out of love with it." That might be hard, but good hosting means that you take your guests' needs into consideration and not being defensive about your choices.
I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree on this. I don't see it as rude to my guests in this particular scenario, and my guests don't see it as rude either, knowing my family. In fact, most of my guests don't drink at all and would be confused if my parents hosted a bar. Can't speak for the family friends on my FI's side because I don't know them and don't even know if any of them are coming, but if they see it as rude, that's their choice and I respect it. The venue is a moot point, as the wedding is two months away and paid for. Even if it weren't, I'm not going to "fall out of love" with the only venue that actually had what I was looking for to meet an etiquette standard that most guests won't be judging me on. This is my family's event and they're hosting it in a way that's appropriate and reflective of who they are, which I don't have a problem with. I do have a problem with going over their heads and hosting the bar myself. Being involved with providing alcohol for anyone is not something they'd ever, ever be okay with, and they'd never let me forget it. That relationship is more important to me than a handful of people I'll never see again side-eyeing me with an etiquette stick up their ass. But I realize that I'm the unpopular opinion on this board and that's totally fine with me. Just trying to throw out another perspective since I don't believe in blanket statements like "cash bars are rude in every single scenario ever."
But thank you to everyone who had respectful comments. I'm always up for a healthy debate. As for the not-so-respectful comments, just keep in mind that you're posting on an etiquette board so... being nasty is just counterproductive.
Re: Cash Bars - Everything you need to know in one place
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!
Oh FFS. Can't we just allow one person to have an exception? You would really expect a person to change their entire venue? Would you side eye someone you loved for choosing a venue they loved and then hitting a wall with the venue not allowing a closed bar?
In the box
Why don't you and your FI pay for the bar? Then your family doesn't have to pay for it, and neither do your guests.
I would not side eye this at all.
BINGO! If concern for alcoholics was the true motivation you'd find a venue with no bar. Did you now inquire about bar options before booking? Because that's a critical thing to do.
You are putting your wants over being a gracious host. Your guests won't know why you've chosen a cash bar so your reasoning is irrelevant. They will simply think you wanted them to pay a part of their own thank you party.
I truly cannot imagine that the majority of venues in your area are only open bar or cash bar. It just doesn't make sense to me. Either you haven't looked hard enough or you're being too picky. You are choosing to put a particular season, year, date, and venue over your guests' comfort. The right thing to do would be to pay for the bar yourselves. It doesn't have to be a full open bar either- beer and wine is perfectly acceptable! Otherwise have the cash bar and just own the fact that you've chosen to be a rude hostess and many of your guests will feel the same.
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!
Oh I've read through them. The problem is that I don't want people in my lifeas judgmental as that. I don't feel badly about a bride and groom if they have a cash bar and I especially don't if the venue makes it their only option. I feel like it is almost more convenient for me to have a cash bar available to me instead of free beer and wine because I don't drink either. Also it's not about the bar to me. It's not about a free night of drinking or even a free meal and punch at a dry wedding. A wedding to me, as a guest, is about supporting and celebrating the love between people I also love. Yes I feel like there are some super tacky things but I would never leave a wedding (as has been suggested) or take away from a present I brought for the bride and groom (as also had been suggested) because of a cash bar. I wouldn't side it. I would go to the wedding and love and support my friends or family because that is the kind of person that I am. Honestly anyone who would leave my wedding if there was a cash bar or take their gift back to buy their drinks at my wedding, I wouldn't want there. I choose to think that my friends and family are better than that and want to love and support me, not judge and belittle me. If I think something is tacky at a weddings such as a honeymoon find I simply will not participate in that thing. I won't leave the wedding or judge the couple harshly and gossip about it with all my friends badly.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Really?? These are my family members. These are aunts, uncles, and cousins I grew up with. Most of them are recovering and have been doing very well for a long time. The ones that aren't doing so well are still my family, and I still love them and have invited them to the most important day of my life.
But that's neither here nor there. The bottom line is that an open bar would offend my parents (mostly my mother) and make them incredibly uncomfortable, no matter who paid for it. Gonna have to resign myself to bad host/good daughter here, and I'm okay with that. It would've been great to find a venue without a bar, but I'm not going to move my wedding to a different season, or make guests travel any further than they already are, or take any of the other ridiculous suggestions that have been made just to make myself appear like a better host.
::eyeroll::
And how is it that your mother would be offended if you properly hosted the bar, but she wouldn't be offended if other people purchased their own alcohol? Sorry, but this seems like an excuse not to pay for an open or limited bar. . . which isn't required for a reception, but if you are going to have alcohol then you should be the one footing the bill, not your guests.
The argument that Thus and Such Bride isn't having an open bar because family members are alcoholics is just BS in my opinion; Alcoholics are alcoholics because they cannot control their urge to drink and they drink to excess. They will do this no matter if they have to pay for their own drinks or if there is an open bar. Don't use alcoholism as an excuse to be a poor host.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
It's a good thing that all alcoholics only drink when it's free and never when it's hosted.