He wants a pre-nup, I feel horrible and insulted.

Fairyjen1 · February 2014

In my circle, it's not odd to get married in your 30's or later. Maybe you should get out and meet new friends with better attitudes. I am 44 and am engaged to be married for my first time. I'm not here breathing a sigh of relief because some man came along and took me out of my single misery.

You know what, I loved my 30's and my 40's are only better. While my Fi certainly contributes to my happiness, and I am totally in love with him, I would still be having a great time even if he didn't come along. There has been opportunities to marry before, but I was focusing on other things. I've had many friends and boyfriends along the way and never, ever have I felt like something was lacking because I was older and single.

Just so you know, getting a date has NEVER been my problem no matter what my age. I am NOT a supermodel. I'm not butt ugly and I think that doesn't hurt, but I worked on developing many interests and being a thoughtful and interesting person, because of this I have had no lack of dates. I have never relied on my looks alone to have meaningful relationships. Men aren't always (not even usually, in my experience) shallow creatures only interested in a women's looks and kicking her to the curb as soon as she gets older and a new 20 something comes along. I have certainly run across a few I felt may be like that, and I don't look at them twice as a potential boyfriend.

I can't speak to the pre-nup yet, although we will probably sign one (I have had a 401K since 25 and Fi hasn't until recently, he'll get part of whatever I put in there AFTER we are married, but not on the amount before), But I wanted you to know that being single and over 30 isn't horrible for everyone by any means.

RissAnn1970 · February 2014

Pretty much ditto everything everyone else said, but a couple more points...

If anything, the married adulterer deserves MORE ire than the "other" party. That's the one who made the promise that's being broken. And no one can be "stolen" unless the married party is open for the stealing. Your FI could have some hot chick doing cartwheels naked in front of him. If he's not interested in anyone but you, there's absolutely nothing the hot naked gymnast could do about that. It simply would't matter.

My 30s were AWESOME. I met my H (first marriage) at 37, got married at 38. The night I met him, I wasn't even looking for a boyfriend, let alone a husband, I was having too much fun in my life as a single woman in my 30s to care about any of that. Seriously. That decade, single or taken, is not something to fear, it's something to enjoy. Of course, I had a bit of an advantage. I recognized that since women are allowed to own property these days, it wasn't necessary for me to EVER get married if I didn't meet the right guy. So I wasn't putting the insane and unnecessary pressure on myself so many other women seem to. It's the ones who MUST GET MARRIED YESTERDAY OH MY GOD who have a hard time being single as they get older. Don't be one of those.

preloo · February 2014

Amyzen83 said:

OP, I just have to give you kudos for sticking around hearing our thoughts and opinions, and honestly based on what you must be experiencing, you seem to be taking our advice and criticism much better than most! Thank you for sticking around, addressing each point, and not doing a post and run or flat out deleting your post! I'm sorry you are having anxiety issues, and I hope you can find a person that can help you work through it. I have anxiety too now and then, it was much worse mixed with depression when I was in my early 20s, so I get it. Also if you continue to post, keep in mind that even though you may have strong opinions, however justified they may be, I'd stay away from generalized stereotypes because some people may find it offensive. For example there might be some very nice Russian women who wouldn't think of living the way you described. I sincerely wish you all the best.

I should clarify that my family is Russian, so I'm not saying anything about Russians on the whole, just a certain cliche you tend to see so often in big cities. A lot of Russian women do come to big cities to land a rich American man to stay in the country.

preloo · February 2014

KatWAG said:

I am pretty sure I am one of those meanies that the OP is referring to since I said it was naive to say divorce isnt an option And sorry and I am not sorry. I stand by that.

OP, I truly believe that if you dont figure out your rage/ insercurities and let go of your parents divorce, it will ruin your marriage.

I'm not asking you to say you're sorry

just saying I don't plan on thanking you for your "advice" if you plan on insulting my character.

Jells2dot0 · February 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

KatWAG said:

Jells2dot0

Not to add fuel to the fire, but not all 50 year old divorced men who are married to younger women are bad. And not all of those women are gold diggers. My DH is 51 and has adult children from his first marriage. His ex left him. I'm 34 and met my DH at work. We have the same job, and in fact, I hold a higher title on our organizational chart. He earns more than me (though no much more), but only because of the age difference. Plus, the last thing I'd do is use him for his money. I have my own, which is partly why we have a prenup. I'd NEVER use anyone's money to open a cupcake shop. Just sayin!

edit- crappy format

HOMEWRECKER!!!!!!!

I always thought she typed with a slight, Eastern European accent.

I think she bakes cupcakes as well.

You better believe I have the best cupcakes around. They are big, creamy, vanilla, and gorgeous!

Maggie0829 · February 2014

Jells2dot0 said:

KatWAG said:

Jells2dot0

Not to add fuel to the fire, but not all 50 year old divorced men who are married to younger women are bad. And not all of those women are gold diggers. My DH is 51 and has adult children from his first marriage. His ex left him. I'm 34 and met my DH at work. We have the same job, and in fact, I hold a higher title on our organizational chart. He earns more than me (though no much more), but only because of the age difference. Plus, the last thing I'd do is use him for his money. I have my own, which is partly why we have a prenup. I'd NEVER use anyone's money to open a cupcake shop. Just sayin!

edit- crappy format

HOMEWRECKER!!!!!!!

I always thought she typed with a slight, Eastern European accent.

I think she bakes cupcakes as well.
You better believe I have the best cupcakes around. They are big, creamy, vanilla, and gorgeous!

That's what he said

manateehugger · February 2014

preloo said:

Amyzen83 said:

OP, I just have to give you kudos for sticking around hearing our thoughts and opinions, and honestly based on what you must be experiencing, you seem to be taking our advice and criticism much better than most! Thank you for sticking around, addressing each point, and not doing a post and run or flat out deleting your post! I'm sorry you are having anxiety issues, and I hope you can find a person that can help you work through it. I have anxiety too now and then, it was much worse mixed with depression when I was in my early 20s, so I get it. Also if you continue to post, keep in mind that even though you may have strong opinions, however justified they may be, I'd stay away from generalized stereotypes because some people may find it offensive. For example there might be some very nice Russian women who wouldn't think of living the way you described. I sincerely wish you all the best.

I should clarify that my family is Russian, so I'm not saying anything about Russians on the whole, just a certain cliche you tend to see so often in big cities. A lot of Russian women do come to big cities to land a rich American man to stay in the country.

SERIOUSLY?! Or a lot of immigrants come to the just US to find a better lot in life. If that happens to include marrying a hard-working American man, who the fuck cares? Not to mention, there are plenty of born and raised American women who plot to land a rich man. Your ignorance is showing.

Either way, how about you try focusing on building up yourself and finding someone you love and trust instead of thinking life is over in a few years? I don't want to be married; I want to marry my fiance.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

This has to be the most ridiculous post I have ever read. And not because of others responses but just because of the OP and her ignorance about everything.

Jells2dot0 · February 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Jells2dot0 said:

KatWAG said:

Jells2dot0

Not to add fuel to the fire, but not all 50 year old divorced men who are married to younger women are bad. And not all of those women are gold diggers. My DH is 51 and has adult children from his first marriage. His ex left him. I'm 34 and met my DH at work. We have the same job, and in fact, I hold a higher title on our organizational chart. He earns more than me (though no much more), but only because of the age difference. Plus, the last thing I'd do is use him for his money. I have my own, which is partly why we have a prenup. I'd NEVER use anyone's money to open a cupcake shop. Just sayin!

edit- crappy format

HOMEWRECKER!!!!!!!

I always thought she typed with a slight, Eastern European accent.

I think she bakes cupcakes as well.

You better believe I have the best cupcakes around. They are big, creamy, vanilla, and gorgeous!

That's what he said

My cupcakes bring all the boys to the yard and they're like it's better than yours!

preloo · February 2014

I'm pretty much done with this thread, I got the advice I needed and I'm familiar enough with gang mentality of women on the Internet that any "mean" comments were pretty run-of-the-mill.

However I do want to say this- I'm not going to cancel my wedding or postpone it or whatever because a bunch of strangers on the Internet said so. Who on Earth would do that? This question was about the pre-nup, not me asking for psycho-babble from armchair psychologists (not including the one therapist here- and by the way, anxiety and psychosis are two completely different things- I don't appreciate the stigma some people here are perpetuating about it). People with anxiety, believe it or not, are capable of being afraid of being alone and ALSO genuinely loving someone. When I was younger my biggest fear was my mother dying- I suppose that meant I didn't really love her, and I wasn't mature enough to even HAVE a mother. Right? I'm also not convinced that everyone must be 100% mentally strong and healthy in order to be happily married. My anxiety is genetic, and not curable. I will ALWAYS have it. So I guess that means people with any type of mental problem should just never wed, right?

People of anxiety are just as worthy of love and marriage as people who don't have anxiety. And honestly, I'm not convinced I'm the only person here with anxiety. Besides, wedding planning in general is stressful so of course my anxiety is going to be heightened during this time- I can't believe I even have to justify it.

My grandparents were married until they died, both sets suffered from variations of OCD and depression. None of them saw therapists but they had other ways of coping (they would have benefitted from therapy, but it was a different time, more stigma, etc). Having these disorders doesn't make you incapable of marrying someone or staying married. It may make relationships a little harder, but so do many other things. My SO has known me for years and years, and he has a variation of an anxiety disorder as well. Believe it or not, we're capable of loving each other like "normal" people! People with anxiety aren't just living, walking fears. We can have fears of abandonment and still genuinely love people.

By the way, no actual therapist would be able to psychoanalyze and diagnose someone, and give huge life advice like "don't get married" just by reading a few posts on an Internet forum. I've seen many therapists and all of them won't even do therapy over the phone- they need to see you in person repeatedly to make ANY conclusion about you. But alas, I forgot Internet commenters are way more knowledgeable than real doctors.

As for my supposed assertion that all age-gap relationships are bad...I just don't think I said that. My issue is with men who specifically leave their wives for younger women who knowingly sleep with the married men, hoping for a meal ticket or just being morally bankrupt pieces of shit (and by the way, in those scenarios, I think the cheater is worse than the mistress, but it takes two to tango). That obviously doesn't encompass all age-gap relationships, because many start with both people being single (and at that point, nobody is being harmed, so who cares?)

Last thing- if you never said anything rude or uncalled for, most of this comment is NOT directed at you. The vast majority of commenters were helpful or at least polite, and that's awesome, so again, thanks.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

Jells2dot0 said:

Jells2dot0 said:

KatWAG said:

Jells2dot0

Not to add fuel to the fire, but not all 50 year old divorced men who are married to younger women are bad. And not all of those women are gold diggers. My DH is 51 and has adult children from his first marriage. His ex left him. I'm 34 and met my DH at work. We have the same job, and in fact, I hold a higher title on our organizational chart. He earns more than me (though no much more), but only because of the age difference. Plus, the last thing I'd do is use him for his money. I have my own, which is partly why we have a prenup. I'd NEVER use anyone's money to open a cupcake shop. Just sayin!

edit- crappy format

HOMEWRECKER!!!!!!!

I always thought she typed with a slight, Eastern European accent.

I think she bakes cupcakes as well.
You better believe I have the best cupcakes around. They are big, creamy, vanilla, and gorgeous!

That's what he said
My cupcakes bring all the boys to the yard and they're like it's better than yours!

I like my cupcakes like I like my men. . . .

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

MOTHER RUSSIA!!!

(hahaha sorry that's all that popped into my head. I know this one girl who was adopted from Russia and she absolutely HATED the U.S. and thought everyone from this country was stupid. She would scream "mother russia!" constantly. Oye)

preloo · February 2014

@ChemFanatic25

That's hilarious, lol.

preloo · February 2014

@PDHK

I don't care if someone comes to America to marry a rich man. I do care if someone chooses a rich man regardless of the fact that he's already married. There are enough single guys out there that that's not necessary, and it's hurtful. It's even worse of the man to cheat, of course.

Also, I already have found someone. Being single is scary to me, but I'd be shocked if I was really the only person who felt that way. As for "building myself up", kowtowing to Internet strangers calling me an idiot isn't really part of that. I love how the pleas for "be more confident" are mixed into deluges of insults. Ah, internet.

photokitty · February 2014

preloo said:

@PDHK

I don't care if someone comes to America to marry a rich man. I do care if someone chooses a rich man regardless of the fact that he's already married. There are enough single guys out there that that's not necessary, and it's hurtful. It's even worse of the man to cheat, of course.

Also, I already have found someone. Being single is scary to me, but I'd be shocked if I was really the only person who felt that way. As for "building myself up", kowtowing to Internet strangers calling me an idiot isn't really part of that. I love how the pleas for "be more confident" are mixed into deluges of insults. Ah, internet.

Unless you are over 30 and single…then your life sucks and you'll inevitably die alone…like this thread. Please die thread, die!!

TheGrimReaper · February 2014

God, this is boring.

preloo · February 2014

Chipmunk415 said:

Stuck in box with my two cents....

My mother was 20 when she married her first husband. Divorced at 26 and he was a cheating jerk. Met and married my dad in her mid 30s, happy, comfortable in life.

My dad married in his early 20s. They were seperated in his late 30s, divorced in his 40s. She cheated on him multiple times with different people. At least one occasion was when he was fighting for his life at a Navy hospital. He caught her with his best friend on another occasion. On yet another, the wife of the guy she was cheating with caught them in the shower together at the guy's house. Not only men cheat.

My sister was engaged before 30. Caught her fiancee cheating, kicked him to the curb. Met her now husband and married him in her 30s- they have two beautiful girls. She also has a pre nup- not because they don't trust each other, but because she has a medical practice and they decided to keep certain stuff seperate in case she ever got sued and cleaned out (ie, all of his savings, assets, and inheritance is kept seperate, though they have a joint account that would be a potential target). It was her suggestion, to protect him.

I was cheated on in college. This made me wary of dating for a while but I did not automatically assume every guy would cheat.

I asked my FI if he wanted a prenup, as he has more money saved than me. While he appreciated my concerns, we decided together it was unnecessary for us. I've told FI I don't mind if he looks/notices a pretty girl on tv or on the street- it's not like he can force himself to go blind till she's gone. My issue is if he starts touching. I trust him to know how much a betrayal would hurt me.

OP, you may have anxiety issues, but you are letting this get blown way out of proportion. I have yet to see where you sat down with your FI and calmly discussed precisely why he wanted a prenup protecting his business, as well as how it affected you. This will not go away just because you are talking to us about it. I don't know where you are, but virtually every city has some sort of low cost/free mental health professional whom you can speak to. If not, if you are a regular church attendee, have you considered contacting your minister for counsel? It also sounds like you have strong issues in trusting your FI. Before you start planning a wedding, please please work on your relationship together, and see about getting some help other than on internet forums.

I appreciate your comment and actually I regret posting here because the catty mentality is pretty similar to the stuff I experienced in eighth grade, which I didn't think adult women were capable of

But I think I'm probably just noticing the negative more than the positive, since most comments have been fine.

Anyway, I don't plan to ask on any other Internet forums about this, I think I've learned my lesson when it came to assuming strangers on the Internet would view any situation with compassion instead of childish put-downs about legitimate mental illnesses. Like, please. Someone telling me I'm ignorant is going to change my mind about things I've believed my whole life? If it were that easy to change my mind, my problems would extend far beyond anxiety.

Just an update since you spent probably a good amount of time typing your comment: I agreed to the pre-nup and after reading the good responses here and talking with FI, I understand the reasons aren't about me being a gold-digger or him wanting to cheat. It also makes sense to me now why the investor would be concerned. So all is well in that area

preloo · February 2014

TheGrimReaper said:

God, this is boring.

I forgot people were forcing you to read all these posts. Maybe go out and take a walk.

Jells2dot0 · February 2014

preloo said:
I'm pretty much done with this thread, I got the advice I needed and I'm familiar enough with gang mentality of women on the Internet that any "mean" comments were pretty run-of-the-mill.

However I do want to say this- I'm not going to cancel my wedding or postpone it or whatever because a bunch of strangers on the Internet said so. Who on Earth would do that? This question was about the pre-nup, not me asking for psycho-babble from armchair psychologists (not including the one therapist here- and by the way, anxiety and psychosis are two completely different things- I don't appreciate the stigma some people here are perpetuating about it). People with anxiety, believe it or not, are capable of being afraid of being alone and ALSO genuinely loving someone. When I was younger my biggest fear was my mother dying- I suppose that meant I didn't really love her, and I wasn't mature enough to even HAVE a mother. Right? I'm also not convinced that everyone must be 100% mentally strong and healthy in order to be happily married. My anxiety is genetic, and not curable. I will ALWAYS have it. So I guess that means people with any type of mental problem should just never wed, right?

People of anxiety are just as worthy of love and marriage as people who don't have anxiety. And honestly, I'm not convinced I'm the only person here with anxiety. Besides, wedding planning in general is stressful so of course my anxiety is going to be heightened during this time- I can't believe I even have to justify it.

My grandparents were married until they died, both sets suffered from variations of OCD and depression. None of them saw therapists but they had other ways of coping (they would have benefitted from therapy, but it was a different time, more stigma, etc). Having these disorders doesn't make you incapable of marrying someone or staying married. It may make relationships a little harder, but so do many other things. My SO has known me for years and years, and he has a variation of an anxiety disorder as well. Believe it or not, we're capable of loving each other like "normal" people! People with anxiety aren't just living, walking fears. We can have fears of abandonment and still genuinely love people.

By the way, no actual therapist would be able to psychoanalyze and diagnose someone, and give huge life advice like "don't get married" just by reading a few posts on an Internet forum. I've seen many therapists and all of them won't even do therapy over the phone- they need to see you in person repeatedly to make ANY conclusion about you. But alas, I forgot Internet commenters are way more knowledgeable than real doctors.

As for my supposed assertion that all age-gap relationships are bad...I just don't think I said that. My issue is with men who specifically leave their wives for younger women who knowingly sleep with the married men, hoping for a meal ticket or just being morally bankrupt pieces of shit (and by the way, in those scenarios, I think the cheater is worse than the mistress, but it takes two to tango). That obviously doesn't encompass all age-gap relationships, because many start with both people being single (and at that point, nobody is being harmed, so who cares?)

Last thing- if you never said anything rude or uncalled for, most of this comment is NOT directed at you. The vast majority of commenters were helpful or at least polite, and that's awesome, so again, thanks.

I was diagnosed with GAD in college. I was medicated for awhile. It acted up again during my divorce. It was BAD. I got divorced at 26, so still relatively young. I grew a lot as a person between then and now. I learned a lot about myself and my anxiety. As someone who has dealt with it, I can tell you that you are capable of loving someone and being in a relationship. However, it seems to me that this is not just GAD. It's also immaturity. I know that because I went through that as well. I didn't fully mature until 30 and even then, I still have my moments. There is no rush to marry and I do recommend taking some time to get to know yourself, your insecurities, and allow yourself to grow as a person. I say this not as a professional, but as someone who has been there and back. I definitely burned some bridges and I sincerely hope you do not do the same.

preloo · February 2014

@Jells2dot0

Thanks for the comment, it was very thoughtful. Of course I'm not fully mature, but honestly I don't think I ever will be. My mother is in her fifties and says she was immature a mere 10 years ago, so my hope is that my FI and I will be able to mature together, instead of just putting marriage off until we're "mature" enough...because we'll obviously be more mature at 40 than we will at 30, more mature at 50 than at 40...you get what I'm saying

And as I've shown, I'm more than willing to admit when I'm wrong or have acted irrationally.

KatWAG · February 2014

preloo said:

KatWAG said:

I am pretty sure I am one of those meanies that the OP is referring to since I said it was naive to say divorce isnt an option And sorry and I am not sorry. I stand by that.

OP, I truly believe that if you dont figure out your rage/ insercurities and let go of your parents divorce, it will ruin your marriage.
I'm not asking you to say you're sorry just saying I don't plan on thanking you for your "advice" if you plan on insulting my character.

And how exactly did I insuly your character?

I will point out that way back on page 1 I listed several questions about the potential for divorce. In case you forgot, I asked would you stay if he abused you or raped you? And you then said yes you would leave. So in fact you do believe in divorce.

Mandafly84 · February 2014

preloo said:

TheGrimReaper said:

God, this is boring.

I forgot people were forcing you to read all these posts. Maybe go out and take a walk.

Might I suggest some yoga?

lalalorelai · February 2014

I am actually revoking my lurker status to say this one thing:

For the love of all that's chocolate, please get your own attorney to review the pre-nup. In most states, it is required that you have the opportunity to obtain legal counsel, but you should actually go see your own attorney. Whoever your FH hires will be representing HIM and him alone, meaning just his interests. No matter how thoughtful or considerate your FH is, that doesn't change the fact that his lawyer will write it so it benefits him, not you (that's actually what his lawyer is ethically required to do).

So please, please, if you decide to do a pre-nup, get your own lawyer. You can find low-cost ones--law schools sometimes have clinics, or contact your state bar association for a referral to one who will work in your budget. It shouldn't be expensive.

And with that I'm going back to lurker status.

ETA: fixed typing fails

sofakingmad · February 2014

I just want more explanation of this whole idea of if you are single and 30, you can't be happy.

I chose to leave my husband and I am almost 33. I actually couldn't be in a better place in my life as I am right now. I am more established and confident than I was in my 20s.

I really take offense that the idea that the OP feels bad for women over 30 who aren't married.

TheGrimReaper · February 2014

Mandafly84 said:

preloo said:

TheGrimReaper said:

God, this is boring.
I forgot people were forcing you to read all these posts. Maybe go out and take a walk.
Might I suggest some yoga?

Ah yes! Yoga! The cure for boredom, MUD, trolls, and racism. Or something.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

DragonBlood13 said:

I just want more explanation of this whole idea of if you are single and 30, you can't be happy.

I chose to leave my husband and I am almost 33. I actually couldn't be in a better place in my life as I am right now. I am more established and confident than I was in my 20s.

I really take offense that the idea that the OP feels bad for women over 30 who aren't married.

Yeah I didn't realize that we were still back in the early 50's where if a woman wasn't engaged or married right out of college that there was something wrong with them. The OP may have watched Mona Lisa Smiles way too many times.

MollyandD · February 2014

mimiphin said:

Molly&Domenic said:

mimiphin said:
Oh lordy, where to begin, When I got to page 2 I thought how many more pages can there be!!

(This is all for @Preloo)
1. Pre-nups are not an automatic divorce, FI and I are getting one for our Fur-babies, We have two and I will take the younger one but in no way am I taking the older one and they are not being split up unless the older one dies. It just gives me piece of mind to know that they will be taken care of, and that I won't get the little shit (who I love dearly...)

2. I am sorry that you have mental issues and I know how hard it is, but you need to re-talk to your insurance company or find a walk-in-center/support group you can talk to.

3. I think that you need to take a good long look in the mirror and think about if this marriage is really right for you, Are you marrying him because you love him or because you love the Idea of being married? It is better to be single until you are 50 than being married in an unhealthy/unloved relationship

4. You need to be comfortable and love your self before you can expect someone to love you back. The best relationships I had (including the one with my FI) have happend when I became independent and "didn't need a man". Then Poof! bat signal to all the great guys when I was happy they knew and pursued me.

5a. FI and I have talked about divorce and I straight up told him that if he finds who makes him happier than I make him to tell me and we will end it. I won't be happy but its better to not drag these things out. I also always make sure he packs condoms when he goes on trips without me, I would rather him cheat and be safe than put both of us at risk. I won't be happy about it but if its going to happen there is nothing I can do to stop it.

5b. It takes 2 people to do the Horizontal Tango, and the 'homewecker' isn't solely at fault, the married one could have lied and been deceitful. Or who knows they both could be married.

6. You need to gain some self esteem. Repeat after me aloud, "I am a strong powerful, successful special woman," no really say it out loud. Now once more with feeling "I am a strong powerful, successful special woman,"

7. I think you could benefit from a week or two away from your FI, go stay with a friend, hell go to a a different state, just go be by yourself and regain yourself.

Best of luck, and maybe step away from the on-line communities for a month or two

ETA: Yes I did read all 7 pages!
You really have your fiancé take condoms on business trips in case he decides to cheat? I'm all for being safe, but yikes. Well, if it works for you two that's good. It would for me, but differences are ok. No judgement. Just surprise.

I by no means approve of cheating, and I really would be shocked if he used them, he always rolls his eyes when I add them in his shaving bag but to me it is a safety thing. I will not stand for him to put me at risk of something.
Also do you know how many times his buddies ask for them because they forgot them.
Same reason I always keep a condom in my wallet, while in the ladies-room and someone askes for a condom I want to be able to say yes and hand it over.

Ok I see what you are saying. At first I misunderstood what you meant. Haha

Sabinus15 · February 2014

preloo said:

I'm pretty much done with this thread, I got the advice I needed and I'm familiar enough with gang mentality of women on the Internet that any "mean" comments were pretty run-of-the-mill.

However I do want to say this- I'm not going to cancel my wedding or postpone it or whatever because a bunch of strangers on the Internet said so. Who on Earth would do that? This question was about the pre-nup, not me asking for psycho-babble from armchair psychologists (not including the one therapist here- and by the way, anxiety and psychosis are two completely different things- I don't appreciate the stigma some people here are perpetuating about it). People with anxiety, believe it or not, are capable of being afraid of being alone and ALSO genuinely loving someone. When I was younger my biggest fear was my mother dying- I suppose that meant I didn't really love her, and I wasn't mature enough to even HAVE a mother. Right? I'm also not convinced that everyone must be 100% mentally strong and healthy in order to be happily married. My anxiety is genetic, and not curable. I will ALWAYS have it. So I guess that means people with any type of mental problem should just never wed, right?

People of anxiety are just as worthy of love and marriage as people who don't have anxiety. And honestly, I'm not convinced I'm the only person here with anxiety. Besides, wedding planning in general is stressful so of course my anxiety is going to be heightened during this time- I can't believe I even have to justify it.

My grandparents were married until they died, both sets suffered from variations of OCD and depression. None of them saw therapists but they had other ways of coping (they would have benefitted from therapy, but it was a different time, more stigma, etc). Having these disorders doesn't make you incapable of marrying someone or staying married. It may make relationships a little harder, but so do many other things. My SO has known me for years and years, and he has a variation of an anxiety disorder as well. Believe it or not, we're capable of loving each other like "normal" people! People with anxiety aren't just living, walking fears. We can have fears of abandonment and still genuinely love people.

By the way, no actual therapist would be able to psychoanalyze and diagnose someone, and give huge life advice like "don't get married" just by reading a few posts on an Internet forum. I've seen many therapists and all of them won't even do therapy over the phone- they need to see you in person repeatedly to make ANY conclusion about you. But alas, I forgot Internet commenters are way more knowledgeable than real doctors.

As for my supposed assertion that all age-gap relationships are bad...I just don't think I said that. My issue is with men who specifically leave their wives for younger women who knowingly sleep with the married men, hoping for a meal ticket or just being morally bankrupt pieces of shit (and by the way, in those scenarios, I think the cheater is worse than the mistress, but it takes two to tango). That obviously doesn't encompass all age-gap relationships, because many start with both people being single (and at that point, nobody is being harmed, so who cares?)

Last thing- if you never said anything rude or uncalled for, most of this comment is NOT directed at you. The vast majority of commenters were helpful or at least polite, and that's awesome, so again, thanks.

Marriage counseling is beneficial for everyone, even if you're in a healthy relationship. It gives you the tools to keep a marriage healthy, which I'm sure is what you want. I know it's hard to hear, but if there are issues they need to be brought up now before you lock yourself into a permanent relationship that you or your husband may detest in the future.

MollyandD · February 2014

There are so many over-generalizations throughout this post. There are also many "stereotypes" that I have never heard of before.

@preloo Some people have said things that certainly were not nice. However, it seems like you are twisting things people say around in a weird way too. For example, you said people must think you don't love your mother because you worried about her dying? That's not the same thing as saying you should think about your future marriage carefully because you said you knew your fiancé would leave you of you weren't pretty anymore.

JustNicki · February 2014

This is super long, so I'm replying without reading the comments.

I think he has the right to ask for a prenup. You say that it's going to make divorce easy for him, but that doesn't have to be true. Get your own attorney and have him negotiate the document with your FI's attorney. Make sure to include things like alimony.

My FI and I are signing a prenup. I didn't know how I felt about it at first, but it's really there to make sure all parties are protected. Try to work through your feelings, either by yourself or with the help of a counselor.

He wants a pre-nup, I feel horrible and insulted.

Re: He wants a pre-nup, I feel horrible and insulted.

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