Wedding Etiquette Forum

What are your etiquette deal breakers?

Inspired by the dollar dance thread. 

Like most here, I try to follow etiquette because I would never want to unintentionally offend someone I love or care about. That said, I also try not to judge mistakes from others because I assume they are doing their best and don't know any better--after all, I'm the girl who dictated attire on her wedding invitations not six months ago, something that makes me cringe with embarrassment now. There are even a few rules that I think are sort of stupid (like the watch thing). However, there are some things that bother me so much, I would have to take action. 

1.) Dollar Dances- I would get up and walk out of any wedding with one of these, probably even a family wedding (though for very close family members I would probably claim a headache or something). 

2.) Not inviting my husband when I am invited-Before I met DH, I did not understand this one, but I get it now, and I would not hesitate to decline an invitation that did not include him (women only events obviously excluded). I would not explain why unprompted but would not hesitate if asked. 

There may be more, but that's off the top of my head. 
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Re: What are your etiquette deal breakers?

  • Auctioning off the garter. That's the only time I've ever left a reception.

    Oh, and inviting me without FI.
  • Oh, honeymoon registries. Yeah, I forgot about those. I've never seen one in real life, though I do have a couple of friends of friends who have done them. I can't call them a deal breaker because I don't know how I would respond to one, though. 

    I've been B-listed once. I knew I had been B-listed, but I didn't really know B-lists were bad at the time. The bride pitched it as, "I've gotten to know you much better since we sent out invitations, and I would like to have you there." I was touched and excited to go.  In retrospect, there were several pretty big issues with that wedding (cash bar, not inviting SOs of work friends), so the B-list still doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

    I don't know how I would react to that now, though. It would probably depend on how it was pitched to me, still. 
  • Pretty much all etiquette faux pas piss me off, the ones I listed are just the most rage-inducing.

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  • Zero tolerance for rudeness here. I'm probably way more hardassed about it than I should be. I side eye a lot of stuff.

    1. Cash grabs of any kind/shameless begging for money.

    2. Guests having to pay for things at your event.

    3. Having guests address thank you notes.

    4. Not enough food/drink, not appropriate food/drink, bad food/drink.

    5. Gaps.

    6. Not thanking anyone for anything.

    7. Lack of respect for your guests on any level.

    8. B-lists.

    9. Not inviting SO's. (Certain extenuating circumstances excepted.)

    10. Lying to your guests, about anything. Includes lies by omission.

    11. Tiered events.

    12. Setting guests up for failure/disappointment/anger/embarassment by not keeping them fully informed about details of the event.
  • With worst being first:

    1. Being lied or omitted to about what to expect at the ceremony or reception (think PPD).

    2. Not inviting SO - or being the SO that wasn't invited. Not sure which is worse.

    3. Having to pay for anything at the reception.

    4. Not being thanked.

    5. Tiered events - or really, just not enough of anything for every guest.

    6. Guests addressing thank you notes? ...that's a thing? Well I guess that's on here too!
  • At the risk of pissing everyone off, what is a tier wedding? 
  • perdonami said:
    At the risk of pissing everyone off, what is a tier wedding? 
    It's a wedding where more people are invited to the reception than the ceremony. Say 50 people are invited to the ceremony, but 75 are invited to the reception. It's rude because everyone should be invited to share in all parts of the day and really, the ceremony is the most important part.
  • perdonami said:

    At the risk of pissing everyone off, what is a tier wedding? 


    In addition to the example @keptinstitches gave, an example if a tiered wedding would be where you invite 50 people to the ceremony and dinner, and invite an additional group to the "dance part" of the wedding.
  • I'm pretty laid back about most etiquette stuff so I would ignore most of it but I hate being told what to do. So if someone tried to have a dress code or an "unplugged" wedding, stuff along those lines I'd either RSVP no or go and wear and/do what I wanted anyway.
  • No deal breakers but the following seem to be normal where I live:

    1. Cash or partial cash bars

    2. B lists

    3. Tiered receptions

    4. Inviting people to the shower who aren't invited to the wedding

    5. Long (and I mean 5 hour long) gaps

    Sigh

  • Oh, I forgot about thank you notes.  I didn't categorize this as a deal-breaker because I wouldn't know about it until after the fact.  But couples who do not send me a timely thank you note for a shower and/or wedding gift do not ever, and I mean ever, get another gift from me.  Ever.  Not for a housewarming, not for a baby, not for anything.  

    I do not, however, expect thank you notes for birthday and Christmas gifts (this came up in another thread not that long ago).  I do expect them for shower (all types, wedding, baby, whatever) and wedding gifts.

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  • Only two for me - gaps and not inviting my FI if you invite me or vice versa. As @kmmssg said, if you have a gap, I will choose which portion I attend, if I attend at all. I will have no qualms about only attending your reception if you have a gap over an hour.

  • The biggest etiquette deal breaker for me is not feeding guests properly.  If your reception is at a meal time, serve a meal.  If you have a buffet, make sure there is enough food for everyone.  If you have a cocktail hour, make sure there are enough appetizers so that people aren't starving or drunk (not sure which is worse) by dinner.

    Second biggest pet peeves: gaps.  I honestly don't mind a super short gap (read 15 minutes or so).  I'll usually chalk that up to the venue not getting things together on time.  But if you structure your ceremony and reception so that you know guests will be waiting around for the reception venue to open the doors or so that guests have to kill time before even going to the reception, that's just ridiculous.  And if I can tell from your invite that you are doing this, I will either decline or skip the ceremony. 

    If I found out I was on someone's B-list or invited to a tiered reception I'd be pretty annoyed too.  These both scream "We like you, but not enough to treat you right."

    Partial cash bars are so common in my area, I don't really mind them.  I won't be having one, but growing up with them being the norm, I always bring cash to weddings, just in case.

    I also can't stand unassigned seating at receptions.  I know it's not against etiquette, but I hate trying to find a place to sit, guarding that seat, and searching for people I know.
    image
  • People bringing/asking to bring children, when the invite was addressed to person and spouse/significant other, RSVP has two seats/online RSVP does not give option to check that child is part of party...  And especially if website tells guests they will be enjoying an adult evening of cocktails, dancing, etc.
  • buddysmom80buddysmom80 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2014

    -"and guest"-ing myself or FI after we've hung out on numerous occasions.

    -cash bar

    -Inviting some SO's and not others

    My biggest deal breaker (like, never expect a gift from us again) is no thank you note. It literally takes 2 minutes to do.

    ETA: Words are hard today.

     Wedding Countdown Ticker




    image 59 Invited
    image 36 Yes
    image 2 No
    image 21 Unknown
  • ShellD13ShellD13 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited April 2014
    Okay I'd never heard of a honeyfund until I joined The Knot but I got very twitchy last week when a family friend shared a screenshot of her own honeyfund on FB with an exclamation about how they had just been gifted her "favorite" excursion.  So not only does it make all of her FB friends feel like chopped liver because they weren't the ones to get them "that excursion" the screenshot she shared included the full names of the people who had gifted everything that was captured in the picture.

    Favorite excursion #1 - Mr. and Mrs. Super Guest

    Poor Choice excursion #2 - Mrs. Thanks a lot

    2 Days of Hotel stay - Mr. Wedding Gift Giver

    ETA: Duplicate word choice.
    Anniversary
  • Honestly, dress codes annoy me the most, because they are never clear. "Beach formal." "Dressy but casual." "Black tie optional." None of that tells me what to wear. 

    The last three of four weddings I've attended have either contained a dress code on the invite or, via word-of-mouth, I was told to dress in a certain color. For a spring wedding, I was asked to wear a short dark purple dress. Not a member of the wedding party. Just told to wear dark purple. I don't own dark purple, and I don't want to go out and buy dark purple so you can have a photo of your guests dressed like dolls.
  • I have never seen a dollar dance/ dollar tree, cutesy games, or a cash bar. But those would be deal breakers for me.

    I have experienced huge gaps, garter tosses and no thank you notes. Those are all deal breakers and I will would most likely have a snarky comment ready.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    Every wedding I've been to had a dollar dance. I find them distasteful, but I always go up to dance with whichever piece of the couple I know. I don't want one at all.

    Cash bars are totally not a big deal imo. I also won't have one, but I really don't mind. There are much bigger violations.

    RUNNING OUT OF FOOD WILL MAKE ME WALK THE F OUT WITH MY GIFT.

    This honestly happened a few weeks ago, I hadn't put my cash gift in the card box yet, so we left with it to go buy dinner. 

    I also walked out of a wedding for not letting anyone dance. We had to sit and watch the couple play jeopardy for 3 hours so when the bar closed we were out. We were rude and talked the entire way through the games.

    Not inviting my FI or vice versa. 

    2 hour mass unless I am REALLY close to the couple. I can't sit for that long. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • I left the room at a wedding reception when they put the garter on the girl who caught the bouquet. It was the most embarrassing thing and I couldn't stand it.

    Otherwise, I'd probably stay for the whole wedding once I got there. Unless the bride or groom was inappropriately drunk. That would make me very unhappy.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    eyeroll
  • larrygaga said:
    Every wedding I've been to had a dollar dance. I find them distasteful, but I always go up to dance with whichever piece of the couple I know. I don't want one at all.

    Cash bars are totally not a big deal imo. I also won't have one, but I really don't mind. There are much bigger violations.

    RUNNING OUT OF FOOD WILL MAKE ME WALK THE F OUT WITH MY GIFT.

    This honestly happened a few weeks ago, I hadn't put my cash gift in the card box yet, so we left with it to go buy dinner. 

    I also walked out of a wedding for not letting anyone dance. We had to sit and watch the couple play jeopardy for 3 hours so when the bar closed we were out. We were rude and talked the entire way through the games.

    Not inviting my FI or vice versa. 

    2 hour mass unless I am REALLY close to the couple. I can't sit for that long. 
    I'm sorry, what? My brain cannot compute....
    My reaction to most everything on the internet today:
    image
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