Etiquette

What are your etiquette deal breakers?

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Re: What are your etiquette deal breakers?

  • InkdancerInkdancer The Shire
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    This discussion is very helpful to me, as I am planning our wedding in September, I do not want to offend anyone, or leave a bad taste in any of our guests' mouths at the wedding. 

    I see a lot of cash bars on people's deal-breakers or violations lists. What should you do if you cannot afford a cash bar? Our families are huge, and we are not receiving any financial help from our parents - an open bar is on our wish list as we really do want to give the gift of unlimited drinks to our guests, but an open bar is extremely expensive.. 

    Would you cut family and friends to make a smaller guest list in order to save money for an open bar? Is it that big of a deal? 
    Your choices are not limited to cash bar or open bar. You have several options if an open bar is too expensive. 1. You can choose to serve no alcohol, and only host non-alcoholic drinks. A dry wedding can be very fun! 2. You can host only select beverages, such as a couple of types of wine and beer. Most people will drink one of these two things if offered, and it will be much less expensive than a full open bar. 3. Along with the wine and beer option, you can choose to have one or two signature cocktails hosted. If you choose to serve vodka and cranberry with a mid-grade vodka, that would not be as expensive as if you allowed your guests to order unlimited bottles of 21-year Scotch. 4. You can choose to have a morning or afternoon wedding. Food and drinks are often cheaper because people will eat less/ drink less.

    It is rude to expect your guests to fund anything at your wedding, but that doesn't mean you have to cut the guest list so everyone can drink.


    I am really surprised to see so many people listing Gaps as a deal breakers. We are having a church ceremony, a 2 hour gap, and then the cocktail reception. Is this that terrible of etiquette? Y'all have been questioning my wedding day! :-/
    Gaps are common in some places but that doesn't make them okay. Especially for those of your guests who are just slightly out of town, it can be very inconvenient--- they are driving an hour or two into town for the ceremony, then you expect them to fiddle around for a while, then they will have cocktails and go home? It's not fair to those guests to have so much of their day taken up by waiting around without being hosted at all. This is especially true if you're having a cocktail reception with appetizers only--not only have they come all that way for you, but you're not even feeding them. I, for one, would be very grumpy about that. Please, get rid of the gap.
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    cupcait927PrettyGirlLost
  • emmyg65 said:
    Not inviting SOs

    Gaps

    Not writing thank you notes

    Tiered receptions

    Secret PPDs

    Cash bar

    I'm one of those crazy people who won't get you a baby gift if you don't send a thank you for the wedding gift. Thank you notes just aren't that hard.

    What does PPD stand for?
  • What is a PPD?

  • What is a "B" list and what is a "tiered" event?  My fiance and I are having a small wedding in our backyard with just close friends and family invited.  I told him he could have a "B" list party...we are getting married in the afternoon, and anyone who wants to come after the "main" party (around 6 or 7 p.m.) is welcome to come and hang out.  We will be having a bonfire and music and fireworks and just hanging out in general the rest of the night.  Anyone who was at the wedding is welcome to stay, and as I said his friends that we couldn't invite are welcome to come and party the night away (no gifts, of course!).  
  • Sugargirl1019Sugargirl1019 Deep in the Heart of Texas
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
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    edited April 2014
    Its already started :) the knot put this out in their email! get ready ladies!

    ETA: my etiquette deal breakers would be anything that requires extra discomfort on my part -

    - FI not being invited too
    - not enough seats
    - not a proper hosting at a meal time

    I think everyone can agree that this is just not good. I would either not show up, or leave as soon as it was found out.

    image   image   image

  • Wow, snarky much?

    "If you invite me to your wedding with my DH, don't have a gap, and don't have us come after dinner I will most likely show up and play nice."
    thepawliks
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    This discussion is very helpful to me, as I am planning our wedding in September, I do not want to offend anyone, or leave a bad taste in any of our guests' mouths at the wedding. 

    I see a lot of cash bars on people's deal-breakers or violations lists. What should you do if you cannot afford a cash bar? Our families are huge, and we are not receiving any financial help from our parents - an open bar is on our wish list as we really do want to give the gift of unlimited drinks to our guests, but an open bar is extremely expensive.. 

    Would you cut family and friends to make a smaller guest list in order to save money for an open bar? Is it that big of a deal? 
    Not in our case.  We looked hard to find a place we could bring in our own alcohol to cut the costs.  An open bar was non-negotiable.       

    When hosting any event hosting guests properly is very important to us.  So I would do anything to accomplish that.  Even if it meant cutting the list.   When we have a formal dinner party we only have dining seats for 8 people.  That is all that is invited, because that is all way can host properly.    

    I see weddings the same way.  It's just a bigger party.  I like getting invited to weddings, but I do not get butt hurt if I'm not invited to weddings in my outer circles.     Immediate family, really close friends, I would be.  The next level?  Nope, I just figured they couple either wants a smaller wedding for either personal or financial reasons.   NBD.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    cupcait927PrettyGirlLostSKPM
  • Thanks for your response... I guess I should have elaborated a bit more... we will be having a 2 hour gap that is then followed by a cocktail hour with open bar/passed hors d'oeuvres and then a seated dinner with open bar throughout the night. How do people who do not want to do a first look get rid of the gap? We need the time to fit in pictures. 
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains
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    @rachidoll, can you do as many shots as possible beforehand (you with each of your parties, family shots, etc.) to cut down on the shots that have to be done later? Then you really should be down to 30-45 minutes of pictures, which is filled nicely for your guests by the cocktail hour.
    Sugargirl1019
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    What you should do if you can't afford to pay for alcohol is not provide it.  Limit what you provide to what you can pay for.

    But sorry, expecting guests to open their wallets because you're not able or willing to is rude-even if they want the alcohol.  It is in fact rude of guests to "expect" alcohol at weddings or to "expect" to pay for anything the hosts aren't providing, because it says to hosts that their hospitality is inadequate.  It is not inadequate hospitality not to offer your guests alcohol as long as there is plenty of non-alcoholic beverages available that they don't have to pay for.

    And yes, it is rude to send guests away between the ceremony and reception for a "gap."
    PrettyGirlLostHaileyDancingbearRebeccaB88grumbledore
  • Sugargirl1019Sugargirl1019 Deep in the Heart of Texas
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    edited April 2014
    rachidoll said:

    Thanks for your response... I guess I should have elaborated a bit more... we will be having a 2 hour gap that is then followed by a cocktail hour with open bar/passed hors d'oeuvres and then a seated dinner with open bar throughout the night. How do people who do not want to do a first look get rid of the gap? We need the time to fit in pictures. 

    Hi, we are not having a first look, but we are having a cocktail hour (one hour) and we will fit all of our pictures in that cocktail hour with no problem with my big catholic family. If it was longer, I can not imagine what my poor guests from OOT would do!

    If its separate places, you need to include their commute time to get to the reception/ cocktail hour place. Your cocktail hour is time for you to get you pictures done before the reception starts. I do not know why your pictures are going to take 2 hours. If you are going elsewhere to take pictures, please change this decision as making your guests wait so you can have pictures at a different place is rude.

    ETA: I like PP idea about doing some pictures before the ceremony - bridesmaids pictures, mom picture, dad picture maybe, then your groom and his groomsmen can do their pictures. That way only large family pictures remain and maybe 1 or 2 of the entire bridal party.

    image   image   image

    PrettyGirlLost
  • I agree that a gap of under an hour is okay if there is travel required from the church to the reception. You almost need to build in a little bit of  buffer time... if the ceremony starts a few minutes late or runs a bit long, if the receiving line takes longer than planned, if there is traffic between the church and the reception....plan it too closely and there won't be a cocktail hour!
    perdonami
  • Yikes, there are probably no actual "deal breakers" for me because it's just not my style. I'll either accept or decline your invitation based on my availability based on my schedule. My blog keeps me entirely too busy with events. HOWEVER the one wedding thing that just makes me gag is the dollar dance. I would still go to a wedding that had a dollar dance, but it seems so tacky to me. I understand it is regional but I've always felt like regional isn't a good reason to be tacky. Now with that being said my very best friend in the world, who I've grown up with for 30 years moved to Denverwhen we turned about 25 years old. She's lived there now for 10 years. She told me a few weeks ago that next year at her wedding they would absolutely do a dollar dance because everyone in Denver does them. My mouth fell open. She is the classiest most cultured person I know. I just couldn't believe it. But she said if she didn't do one people would be confused. I told her I refused to pay to dance with her. LOL.
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    perdonami
  • What is a PPD and why is it offensive?

  • And btw where do you people live that the bride and groom ask you to bring a pot luck meal to their wedding? Gilligans Island?
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    DevochkanyRebeccaB88perdonami
  • Is this a UK / US split?  UK its absolutely fine / pretty much expected that guests will have to pay for drinks after the wedding breakfast.  I'd also be appalled if a guest complained that the food wasn't good enough at the wedding breakfast.  What is a fundraiser??  And what is a dollar dance? 
    Clarkeygteresedanielle
  • Wow I didn't know so many people had so many hang ups about weddings. I also don't like the dollar dance, garner toss and cheesy games but cash bar, gaps and honeymoon registry are totally fine with me. Instead of getting me some china set that I won't use I can spend it on something fun on the honeymoon!
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope.
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    I'm a b-hole that's doing a tier wedding D:

    20 minute ceremony max. Attendees will be parents, grandparents (there are 5 grandparents between us), and the 4-person wedding party aside from myself and my dude, I think we're going to be totaling out at 12 people. 

    He has really bad anxiety about being in front of crowds (poor kid was sweating bullets as the best man at his brother's wedding), so we're keeping the ceremony as tiny as we can, and then doing a biiiiiiig reception for everybody within like... 30 minutes of the ceremony so that we can get all the family pictures and any last-minute setup done before we go get wild.

    Wedding things I hate:
    - Long masses
    - Toasts
    - Being pushed into the bouquet toss crowd. NO THANKS. (This is mostly something I get with other guests who can't tone it down on the pushy nonsense)
    - Forced interaction, mostly via dances. (again, pushy guests)
    - Unattended kids at reception. I saw a MAGICALLY sleeping baby in a carrier probably 5 feet from a giant super loud speaker. (GUESSSTTTSSSS)
    - No details on dress code or what kind of venue, even when I asked. Late september in NH, unheated tents. Froze my a** off and had super high heels that got ruined from sinking down in the dirt.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
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    I think people are being ridiculous in saying a Cash Bar is bad wedding etiquette. I mean geez, some people can't afford to pay for everyone's alcohol! I would never be offended by a cash bar at a wedding.   
    Did you read the sticky and do you have any idea what the point of a reception is?

    I'm guessing NO and NO.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    lyndausvi
  • rachidoll said:

    I am really surprised to see so many people listing Gaps as a deal breakers. We are having a church ceremony, a 2 hour gap, and then the cocktail reception. Is this that terrible of etiquette? Y'all have me questioning my wedding day! :-/

    It really is terrible etiquette. You should be hosting something for the guests immediately following the ceremony. Your wedding begins with the ceremony and ends with the closing of the reception. Guests should be hosted for the entire duration of your wedding.
    You can extend your cocktail hour, move up your recprion start time, or something else.


    @dianamaidens You're right, alcohol is pricey. Which is why you shouldn't push the cost onto your guests. A host should never allow a guest to pay for something. You have several options. You can offer a limited bar, like just beer and wine. You can have a dry weddding, one with no alcohol.
    If alcohol is something you want, then you need to cover the expenses for it.
    You don't need to cut corners at the guest list. There are flowers, favors and things like that.

    For the other pp, if you don't want to have a standard registry, that's fine. But why register for cash on a website that misleads guests and takes a cut of the money? Surely you're more clever than that.
    image
    PrettyGirlLostcupcait927RebeccaB88
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