What are your etiquette deal breakers?

kke0809 · April 2014

While some have mentioned it is rude not to include boyfriends, etiquette says that it is only necessarily to include spouses, those living with their significant other, or engaged couples. We're 26, and if we included all of our non-engaged, non-living together, non-married friends' significant others, this would add at least 60, if not more, people to our guests list. The exceptions we made are if we are friends with both members of the couple. Another exception to this is if the guest does not know anyone else really at the wedding. Then you would give a plus one. With food costs & open bar being from $60-$100/person, that is quite a bit of money to add, especially if you do not know the person.

Emily Post and here are great resources for proper etiquette:

http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/230649/sticky-situations-your-reception-and-guest-list/@center/272440/wedding-etiquette-adviser#127515

cmb08 · April 2014

JCBride2014 said:

claire0820 said:

It's really depressing to see that weddings have gone from being a celebration of a couple's marriage, an opportunity to support them and congratulate them on their new life together... And turned into an opportunity for entitled, bitchy guests to complain about every last detail that doesn't meet their expectations.

Keep this in mind: this is the bride and groom's day to be treated like royalty and showered with love and support by all those who are close to them. It is NOT an opportunity for guests to be treated to dinner and entertained for five or more hours on the new (probably kind of broke) couple's dime.

If you don't approve of the way the couple is planning their celebration, you have two choices: suck it up and be nice because you love them, or stay out of it. By showing up and complaining or walking out or otherwise making a scene, you are helping ruin their special day, and your etiquette is worse than theirs.

Rant over, thanks.

HAHAHAHAHA Oh man. Just picked myself up off the floor laughing with this one.

Entitled much, are we?

Looks like you totally missed the point by fixating on that one sentence. Shall I reiterate? The bride and groom are spending a lot of money to throw a nice party for their friends and family. If you really can't appreciate that and decide to nitpick their choices, you shouldn't be there in the first place. Make sense?

I'm not saying that the B and G should be entitled, I'm saying that overly entitled guests are just as bad if not worse.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

shrekspeare said:

alainjen2014 said:

This is an ethnic tradition... Different ethnicities have different meanings/symbolism. This is definitely optional. I guess this is a play by ear situation, if majority of your guests are like you, who probably have not heard of this, you probably shouldn't have one as it may come off as tacky. But if your guests are from the below ethnicities, it is almost expected for you to have one.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Money_dance

I think the cultural differences were discussed on another thread. Consensus seemed to be, 'If it's a heritage thing, fine. But don't expect me to participate.'

I'll say it again, money dances are supposed to be an "Italian thing" and yet my entire family finds them tacky and they are not done at our weddings.

So I don't buy the "it's an insert ethnicity thing" rationale.

cupcait927 · April 2014

claire0820 said:

JCBride2014 said:

claire0820 said:

It's really depressing to see that weddings have gone from being a celebration of a couple's marriage, an opportunity to support them and congratulate them on their new life together... And turned into an opportunity for entitled, bitchy guests to complain about every last detail that doesn't meet their expectations.

Keep this in mind: this is the bride and groom's day to be treated like royalty and showered with love and support by all those who are close to them. It is NOT an opportunity for guests to be treated to dinner and entertained for five or more hours on the new (probably kind of broke) couple's dime.

If you don't approve of the way the couple is planning their celebration, you have two choices: suck it up and be nice because you love them, or stay out of it. By showing up and complaining or walking out or otherwise making a scene, you are helping ruin their special day, and your etiquette is worse than theirs.

Rant over, thanks.

HAHAHAHAHA Oh man. Just picked myself up off the floor laughing with this one.

Entitled much, are we?

Looks like you totally missed the point by fixating on that one sentence. Shall I reiterate? The bride and groom are spending a lot of money to throw a nice party for their friends and family. If you really can't appreciate that and decide to nitpick their choices, you shouldn't be there in the first place. Make sense?

I'm not saying that the B and G should be entitled, I'm saying that overly entitled guests are just as bad if not worse.

Do brides forget how much money their guests are probably spending to attend the wedding? Between shower gifts, wedding gifts, travel expenses (particularly if a flight or long drive is in order), possible hotel costs, possible attire costs - it's expensive to be a guest. That being said, I am SO sorry if I feel that the bride and groom should appreciate everything their guests have done to help be there to celebrate by properly hosting them. Guess that makes me entitled.

BeJuled1 · April 2014

Gross, newly engaged people having opinions! How dare they!

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

claire0820 said:

It's really depressing to see that weddings have gone from being a celebration of a couple's marriage, an opportunity to support them and congratulate them on their new life together... And turned into an opportunity for entitled, bitchy guests to complain about every last detail that doesn't meet their expectations.

Keep this in mind: this is the bride and groom's day to be treated like royalty and showered with love and support by all those who are close to them. It is NOT an opportunity for guests to be treated to dinner and entertained for five or more hours on the new (probably kind of broke) couple's dime.

If you don't approve of the way the couple is planning their celebration, you have two choices: suck it up and be nice because you love them, or stay out of it. By showing up and complaining or walking out or otherwise making a scene, you are helping ruin their special day, and your etiquette is worse than theirs.

Rant over, thanks.

O.M.F.G.

No, your wedding day is not your day to be 'treated like royalty,' unless you are the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and they're far too classy to be rude.

A wedding reception is, in fact, BY DEFINITION, a chance for guests to be treated to dinner and entertained.

No one is saying you have to have more of a reception than you can afford. What we are saying is you have to host people properly within the limits of what you can afford.

Can't afford an open bar? Fine, have a limited bar or a dry wedding. Neither of those is against etiquette.

Can't afford a full meal for your desired guest list? Fine, have a wedding that's not over a mealtime and serve cake and punch or light hors d'oeuvres. Neither of those is against etiquette.

But it has always been and will always be rude to invite guests to something under the pretenses that you're 'hosting' them and then you -- SURPRISE!! -- spring on them that they're hosting you by paying for their booze. That's called a bait-and-switch, and it's rude.

Also, actions have consequences. If your actions are to treat your guests like walking ATMs or to take for granted their time in coming to your wedding, the consequence is that they'll probably stop being your friend.

JCbride2015 · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

claire0820 said:

It's really depressing to see that weddings have gone from being a celebration of a couple's marriage, an opportunity to support them and congratulate them on their new life together... And turned into an opportunity for entitled, bitchy guests to complain about every last detail that doesn't meet their expectations.

Keep this in mind: this is the bride and groom's day to be treated like royalty and showered with love and support by all those who are close to them. It is NOT an opportunity for guests to be treated to dinner and entertained for five or more hours on the new (probably kind of broke) couple's dime.

If you don't approve of the way the couple is planning their celebration, you have two choices: suck it up and be nice because you love them, or stay out of it. By showing up and complaining or walking out or otherwise making a scene, you are helping ruin their special day, and your etiquette is worse than theirs.

Rant over, thanks.

O.M.F.G.

No, your wedding day is not your day to be 'treated like royalty,' unless you are the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and they're far too classy to be rude.

A wedding reception is, in fact, BY DEFINITION, a chance for guests to be treated to dinner and entertained.

No one is saying you have to have more of a reception than you can afford. What we are saying is you have to host people properly within the limits of what you can afford.

Can't afford an open bar? Fine, have a limited bar or a dry wedding. Neither of those is against etiquette.

Can't afford a full meal for your desired guest list? Fine, have a wedding that's not over a mealtime and serve cake and punch or light hors d'oeuvres. Neither of those is against etiquette.

But it has always been and will always be rude to invite guests to something under the pretenses that you're 'hosting' them and then you -- SURPRISE!! -- spring on them that they're hosting you by paying for their booze. That's called a bait-and-switch, and it's rude.

Also, actions have consequences. If your actions are to treat your guests like walking ATMs or to take for granted their time in coming to your wedding, the consequence is that they'll probably stop being your friend.

*Fills out BINGO card*

graycphil413 · April 2014

I have to say I am a little annoyed... Reading people's etiquette deal breakers frustrated me. If any of you have been married, or a bride/groom, you would know how difficult it is to keep up with the constantly changing etiquette, as well as making time to plan a wedding, AFFORD a wedding in this day and time, and making sure that the wedding they pay for is "pleasing" to the guests. Quite frankly if you were invited to a wedding, it's because you were special enough for the couple to think of you and invite you to such a special event in their life. If you go to a wedding, go without expectation, if you give a gift, give without expectation. If someone doesn't invite your significant other it's probably because they couldn't afford it, but really wanted you there. If someone couldn't get you a thank you card "promptly" it's probably because they've been so busy enjoying their new husband/wife. Honestly, if you are truly their friend you wouldn't care about etiquette, you would just be happy for them. If that's not good enough, do the couple a favor and just don't go!

lyndausvi · April 2014

@hisgirlfriday13 - where is your Announcement thread.

it's clear it's need to resurface.

cmb08 · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

claire0820 said:

It's really depressing to see that weddings have gone from being a celebration of a couple's marriage, an opportunity to support them and congratulate them on their new life together... And turned into an opportunity for entitled, bitchy guests to complain about every last detail that doesn't meet their expectations.

Keep this in mind: this is the bride and groom's day to be treated like royalty and showered with love and support by all those who are close to them. It is NOT an opportunity for guests to be treated to dinner and entertained for five or more hours on the new (probably kind of broke) couple's dime.

If you don't approve of the way the couple is planning their celebration, you have two choices: suck it up and be nice because you love them, or stay out of it. By showing up and complaining or walking out or otherwise making a scene, you are helping ruin their special day, and your etiquette is worse than theirs.

Rant over, thanks.

O.M.F.G.

No, your wedding day is not your day to be 'treated like royalty,' unless you are the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and they're far too classy to be rude.

A wedding reception is, in fact, BY DEFINITION, a chance for guests to be treated to dinner and entertained.

No one is saying you have to have more of a reception than you can afford. What we are saying is you have to host people properly within the limits of what you can afford.

Can't afford an open bar? Fine, have a limited bar or a dry wedding. Neither of those is against etiquette.

Can't afford a full meal for your desired guest list? Fine, have a wedding that's not over a mealtime and serve cake and punch or light hors d'oeuvres. Neither of those is against etiquette.

But it has always been and will always be rude to invite guests to something under the pretenses that you're 'hosting' them and then you -- SURPRISE!! -- spring on them that they're hosting you by paying for their booze. That's called a bait-and-switch, and it's rude.

Also, actions have consequences. If your actions are to treat your guests like walking ATMs or to take for granted their time in coming to your wedding, the consequence is that they'll probably stop being your friend.

...People like you are the reason I'm eloping. Thank goodness you're an etiquette expert, I don't know what the world would do without you.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

JCBride2014 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

claire0820 said:

It's really depressing to see that weddings have gone from being a celebration of a couple's marriage, an opportunity to support them and congratulate them on their new life together... And turned into an opportunity for entitled, bitchy guests to complain about every last detail that doesn't meet their expectations.

Keep this in mind: this is the bride and groom's day to be treated like royalty and showered with love and support by all those who are close to them. It is NOT an opportunity for guests to be treated to dinner and entertained for five or more hours on the new (probably kind of broke) couple's dime.

If you don't approve of the way the couple is planning their celebration, you have two choices: suck it up and be nice because you love them, or stay out of it. By showing up and complaining or walking out or otherwise making a scene, you are helping ruin their special day, and your etiquette is worse than theirs.

Rant over, thanks.

O.M.F.G.

No, your wedding day is not your day to be 'treated like royalty,' unless you are the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and they're far too classy to be rude.

A wedding reception is, in fact, BY DEFINITION, a chance for guests to be treated to dinner and entertained.

No one is saying you have to have more of a reception than you can afford. What we are saying is you have to host people properly within the limits of what you can afford.

Can't afford an open bar? Fine, have a limited bar or a dry wedding. Neither of those is against etiquette.

Can't afford a full meal for your desired guest list? Fine, have a wedding that's not over a mealtime and serve cake and punch or light hors d'oeuvres. Neither of those is against etiquette.

But it has always been and will always be rude to invite guests to something under the pretenses that you're 'hosting' them and then you -- SURPRISE!! -- spring on them that they're hosting you by paying for their booze. That's called a bait-and-switch, and it's rude.

Also, actions have consequences. If your actions are to treat your guests like walking ATMs or to take for granted their time in coming to your wedding, the consequence is that they'll probably stop being your friend.

*Fills out BINGO card*

The problem with saying the stop being your friend part is that we are overrun by people who think it is okay, so many will probably support that decision and not stop being their friend (ie enablers) and it sucks, but our world is headed that way.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

lyndausvi said:

@hisgirlfriday13 - where is your Announcement thread.

it's clear it's need to resurface.

Ask and ye shall receive:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1016969/announcement-it-s-my-wedding-but-i-recognise-that-actions-have-consequences#latest

cupcait927 · April 2014

I just can't anymore. I can't fight this fight anymore. FFS everyone knows weddings can be expensive. BUT! They are only as expensive as you make them. So please, PLEASE stop justifying being crappy to the people you love the most by saying weddings are just SO expensive.

lalapelosa · April 2014

If you honestly won't celebrate this amazing life milestone for someone because of the petty "deal breakers" listed above, you've got bigger issues than losing a dollar bill, or having to pay for your own drinks.

I hope no one here is ever invited to a wedding in a developing nation, you'll be super disappointed (even though they have been some of the best parties I've ever attended). Man, you ladies need to put things into perspective and focus on issues that ACTUALLY matter. And be grateful someone wants to have you at their wedding in the first place.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

Gracecuriel said:

I have to say I am a little annoyed... Reading people's etiquette deal breakers frustrated me. If any of you have been married, or a bride/groom, you would know how difficult it is to keep up with the constantly changing etiquette, as well as making time to plan a wedding, AFFORD a wedding in this day and time, and making sure that the wedding they pay for is "pleasing" to the guests. Quite frankly if you were invited to a wedding, it's because you were special enough for the couple to think of you and invite you to such a special event in their life. If you go to a wedding, go without expectation, if you give a gift, give without expectation. If someone doesn't invite your significant other it's probably because they couldn't afford it, but really wanted you there. If someone couldn't get you a thank you card "promptly" it's probably because they've been so busy enjoying their new husband/wife. Honestly, if you are truly their friend you wouldn't care about etiquette, you would just be happy for them. If that's not good enough, do the couple a favor and just don't go!

The reason we are on this forum is because we are planning a wedding or are already married and are trying to help others out.

It's not that fucking hard, in fact it's all common sense and it hasn't changed for decades:

Make sure you have a place for everyone to sit.
Make sure you feed your guests if your reception falls during a mealtime, because your reception is during a mealtime and people are going to want to eat.
Don't ask people for money in any form.
Don't make people wait around for you by having a gap.
Respect the relationships of your guests and invite them to the celebration of your UNION with your SO by inviting their SO.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

Gracecuriel said:

I have to say I am a little annoyed... Reading people's etiquette deal breakers frustrated me. If any of you have been married, or a bride/groom, you would know how difficult it is to keep up with the constantly changing etiquette, as well as making time to plan a wedding, AFFORD a wedding in this day and time, and making sure that the wedding they pay for is "pleasing" to the guests. Quite frankly if you were invited to a wedding, it's because you were special enough for the couple to think of you and invite you to such a special event in their life. If you go to a wedding, go without expectation, if you give a gift, give without expectation. If someone doesn't invite your significant other it's probably because they couldn't afford it, but really wanted you there. If someone couldn't get you a thank you card "promptly" it's probably because they've been so busy enjoying their new husband/wife. Honestly, if you are truly their friend you wouldn't care about etiquette, you would just be happy for them. If that's not good enough, do the couple a favor and just don't go!

Gracecuriel

Did you read my two longs posts? I am planning a wedding. I had no money.

And enjoying newlywed life isn't an excuse not to be grateful for a gift. It doesn't take that long to write, but honestly I'm okay with getting one as long as I get one within a few months. That last 3 weddings I went to, I didn't receive a thank-you note at all. I guess I better leave those couples alone because they are too busy for me.

If they didn't invite a significant other it is probably because they chose a nicer dress or more expensive meal option or two photographers. If they wanted to afford it, they could have. Again, read my damn post about how I had to make choices and put my loved ones in front my selfish wants.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

pinkshorts27 said:

Gracecuriel said:

I have to say I am a little annoyed... Reading people's etiquette deal breakers frustrated me. If any of you have been married, or a bride/groom, you would know how difficult it is to keep up with the constantly changing etiquette, as well as making time to plan a wedding, AFFORD a wedding in this day and time, and making sure that the wedding they pay for is "pleasing" to the guests. Quite frankly if you were invited to a wedding, it's because you were special enough for the couple to think of you and invite you to such a special event in their life. If you go to a wedding, go without expectation, if you give a gift, give without expectation. If someone doesn't invite your significant other it's probably because they couldn't afford it, but really wanted you there. If someone couldn't get you a thank you card "promptly" it's probably because they've been so busy enjoying their new husband/wife. Honestly, if you are truly their friend you wouldn't care about etiquette, you would just be happy for them. If that's not good enough, do the couple a favor and just don't go!

Gracecuriel
Did you read my two longs posts? I am planning a wedding. I had no money.

And enjoying newlywed life isn't an excuse not to be grateful for a gift. It doesn't take that long to write, but honestly I'm okay with getting one as long as I get one within a few months. That last 3 weddings I went to, I didn't receive a thank-you note at all. I guess I better leave those couples alone because they are too busy for me.

If they didn't invite a significant other it is probably because they chose a nicer dress or more expensive meal option or two photographers. If they wanted to afford it, they could have. Again, read my damn post about how I had to make choices and put my loved ones in front my selfish wants.

Here is her post for all of you who seemed to have missed it:

pinkshorts27 said:

So welcome new people who seem offended. Let me start by saying that unless a wedding runs out of food at mealtime or charges for water I am not sitting there judging the couple. I am enjoying the wedding, but there are things that proper hosts and hostesses should do. To insure I didn't improperly host my guests and I stayed within in budget, I did the following:

-I sat down with FI and discussed what type of wedding we wanted. We discussed trade-offs: extremely formal and tiny wedding, less formal and everyone invited, etc. We decided that it was important to us to invite all of our friends and family.

-The next step was to make a guest list, or multiple lists. We listed "must-haves" and "VIPS", who we had to make sure the date worked for. My brother, his brother, my best friend, our parents, etc. We then listed "high-priority", we had to make sure our budget fit these people. We then listed "let's try to make room for these folks". We talked to our parents and added in their lists. At this point our total numbers were at 200. This didn't include guests for truly single people or people we had forgotten. We left room for more people. Now, four months later, we are looking at a list of 250 and still growing. We have gotten back in touch with estranged family. FI is getting closer to people in his school program. I am going to be changing jobs and locations. There may be a possibility of new friends. We have room to grown to 300.

Now this is a lot of people and we have almost now money for ourselves. We are paying for two households and both still in school. FI is taking out loans to pay for school and has two years left. We debated going back to the 50 person wedding, but decided that this was more important to us. This is an adult decision we had to make, as adults. It was a trade-off. It was tough for us.

-So we set a budget. Our budget was low. Basically as low as possible. But we knew we wanted to host a meal since most of our guests were from out of town. I knew I would be buying a very cheap dress, doing my own hair and make-up. FI already had a suit. These were sacrifices we were willing to make.
-Find a venue within our budget. We knew this would be tough. we finally settled on a few community centers that were 1000 dollars and we could cater ourselves. We talked about bringing kegs and wine. We talked about finding a cheap caterer. We found a few places that would cater buffets beautifully for less than 20 dollars a person.
This was going to be our wedding: 20*300(max, most likely less, but plan for 100%) for food = 6000. We were going to serve soda and beer, nixing the wine. We would play music from an ipod and make our own decorations. We didn't need chair covers or anything fancy.

Was is the formal wedding of our dreams? No. Was it still our special day? Yes, because at the end of the day we would still be married, we hosted our guests properly, we didn't expect anything of anyone, and we got to celebrate with the people we love. This is part of being an adult. We needed to make tough tradeoffs.
Now it happened that we got lucky and my parents decided to gift us some money. We never dreamed of asking for it, but since my college fund went untouched (scholarships) and they decided to use my college fund for our wedding. Are we still making tradeoffs? Yes. We are not planning on hosting an open bar, just beer and wine. We didn't get to choose the location, which is fine because I loved what my parents chose.
But we won't make our guests wait around and do nothing. We made sure to have chairs for everyone. We wouldn't dream of having them open their wallets (cash bar, tip jars, etc).

So when you make your guests do that you are telling them that your fancy dress, your limo, your photographer, and whatever else you spent money on is more important than treating them with respect. I know it is a tough concept and that proper hosting isn't really taught anymore, but just something to think about.

Weddings R Expensive is not an excuse to be rude when you then turn around and choose to buy a $2000 dress, a $5000 photographer, a very pricey reception venue, etc.

You can choose to spend that money on those things, but you don't get to blow your budget on superficial things and then whine that weddings are expensive so that is why you can't afford to pay for your guests' alcohol or their SO's to be with them, etc.

cupcait927 · April 2014

lalapelosa said:

If you honestly won't celebrate this amazing life milestone for someone because of the petty "deal breakers" listed above, you've got bigger issues than losing a dollar bill, or having to pay for your own drinks.

I hope no one here is ever invited to a wedding in a developing nation, you'll be super disappointed (even though they have been some of the best parties I've ever attended). Man, you ladies need to put things into perspective and focus on issues that ACTUALLY matter. And be grateful someone wants to have you at their wedding in the first place.

No, the brides that insist upon having the trappings set out by the wedding industry are the ones who need to get some perspective. You can have a perfect lovely backyard wedding with sandwiches and soda, surrounded by your loved ones for cheap. Get married in clothes you own, no DJ, no fancy centerpieces or decorations, and you're still just as married as anyone else and still hosting your guests properly. The point is, you don't make your guests pay for things. The brides who do are the ones that are caught up in trying to make their wedding LOOK perfect instead of focusing on what matters and that is being gracious enough to host your guests properly.

pmitchelltorpy · April 2014

What if only invite immediate family to Wedding and everyone to Reception??? Is that okay to do? I hope so since that is what we are doing. Though I did use my facebook and personal chances to invite those who may want to come and see us married. I worded it " we would love anyone who wants to join us in our marriage to come" Most of our friends know that just immediate family was not a slight to them but that we were really wanting them to help us celebrate after.

cupcait927 · April 2014

What if only invite immediate family to Wedding and everyone to Reception??? Is that okay to do? I hope so since that is what we are doing. Though I did use my facebook and personal chances to invite those who may want to come and see us married. I worded it " we would love anyone who wants to join us in our marriage to come" Most of our friends know that just immediate family was not a slight to them but that we were really wanting them to help us celebrate after.

As long as it is immediately family ONLY at the ceremony, you're okay. If you've started to invite anyone outside of that circle to the ceremony, even verbally, then you need to invite everyone to both.

graycphil413 · April 2014

I'm planning a wedding as well, and yes I agree there are sacrifices couples needed to make, and of course thank you's are always a plus, however I am saying that people have become to picky especially for being a guest to a wedding. It's definitely tough planning a wedding, and with having all the pressures of what GUESTS expect, it can definitely freak someone out. What happened with the couples' expectations? I did not read your post, as there are so many to read, but I definitely will.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

pmitchelltorpy said:

What if only invite immediate family to Wedding and everyone to Reception??? Is that okay to do? I hope so since that is what we are doing. Though I did use my facebook and personal chances to invite those who may want to come and see us married. I worded it " we would love anyone who wants to join us in our marriage to come" Most of our friends know that just immediate family was not a slight to them but that we were really wanting them to help us celebrate after.

If by immediate family that is just your parents and siblings, maybe grand parents. And the total number of all of those people is less than 10 or 15 people out of a 100+ reception later.

Elaine727 · April 2014

My thinking on cash bars is this: it's ok to have cash bar for alcohol, since not everyone in attendance will be drinking alcohol (ie, it's optional). Obviously that doesn't apply to chairs, table space, a serving of each food, because every single guest will be partaking in sitting at a table and eating. It's a good idea to have some type of non-alcoholic beverage that doesn't require payment to a cash bar, but I don't think it's poor etiquette to have a cash bar when open bars are so expensive. Personally, I would rather attend a friend's wedding and have to pay for a drink (or not drink) than to simply not be invited at all.

kmmssg · April 2014

kke0809 said:

While some have mentioned it is rude not to include boyfriends, etiquette says that it is only necessarily to include spouses, those living with their significant other, or engaged couples. We're 26, and if we included all of our non-engaged, non-living together, non-married friends' significant others, this would add at least 60, if not more, people to our guests list. The exceptions we made are if we are friends with both members of the couple. Another exception to this is if the guest does not know anyone else really at the wedding. Then you would give a plus one. With food costs & open bar being from $60-$100/person, that is quite a bit of money to add, especially if you do not know the person.
Emily Post and here are great resources for proper etiquette:
http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/230649/sticky-situations-your-reception-and-guest-list/@center/272440/wedding-etiquette-adviser#127515

The real Emily Post died in 1960 and the column is now written by one of her great something or other relatives. I have no doubt Emily rolls in her grave at the advice given in her name.

from Miss Manners Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding:

"I can't copy and paste but this is from page 152 from Miss Manners guide to a surprisingly dignified wedding:

"Miss Manners is all for inviting couple wedding guests as couples - indeed, there is a new rudeness, which she is trying to stamp out, of inviting only half of an established couple Those who are married, engaged, or otherwise firmly attached must be asked in tandem to social events (as opposed to office gatherings, which are still office gatherings, no matter how many drinks are served). This is not the same as being expected to surrender control of a guest list to the guests themselves."

Seems to me you are subscribing to the new rudeness she is writing about. A true friend will recognize a relationship and plan her wedding accordingly. Let's talk about who is really being rude here.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

Elaine727 said:

My thinking on cash bars is this: it's ok to have cash bar for alcohol, since not everyone in attendance will be drinking alcohol (ie, it's optional). Obviously that doesn't apply to chairs, table space, a serving of each food, because every single guest will be partaking in sitting at a table and eating. It's a good idea to have some type of non-alcoholic beverage that doesn't require payment to a cash bar, but I don't think it's poor etiquette to have a cash bar when open bars are so expensive. Personally, I would rather attend a friend's wedding and have to pay for a drink (or not drink) than to simply not be invited at all.

Elaine727 did you read my post about cash bars? Do you want to alienate those who can't afford the luxury item you offer to the richer of your guests?

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7214985/#Comment_7214985

graycphil413 · April 2014

Listen, no need to curse first of all, all I'm saying that people are too picky. I'm not saying to NOT give a thank you note, I'm just saying asking for a thank you note right after the wedding when you are obviously celebrating your honeymoon is a little tough. If you're inviting a co-worker and have never met their SO then... that makes no sense... The asking for money thing, I agree it's tacky, and I would not do that... but some things people are putting is asking for too much... it's a wedding!! a PARTY!!! not an Oscars Award show... people...relax... if you don't like what's going on in a wedding or what's going to happen at a wedding leave or kindly reply no. That's all I'm saying people!!!!

cupcait927 · April 2014

@kmmssg thank you for posting that!

graycphil413 · April 2014

YESSSSS!!! AGREED!

lyndausvi · April 2014

Gracecuriel said:

I'm planning a wedding as well, and yes I agree there are sacrifices couples needed to make, and of course thank you's are always a plus, however I am saying that people have become to picky especially for being a guest to a wedding. It's definitely tough planning a wedding, and with having all the pressures of what GUESTS expect, it can definitely freak someone out. What happened with the couples' expectations? I did not read your post, as there are so many to read, but I definitely will.

I do not think that having food appropriate for the time of day.

Having a place to sit

Not having to open you wallets

is really too much to ask.

Not one of us has said you need to have Cristal champagne and surf and turf on gold plated plates. We are just saying there are ways to properly host your guests without opening them having to open their wallets. Regardless of your budget.

It's not that hard.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

Gracecuriel said:

Listen, no need to curse first of all, all I'm saying that people are too picky. I'm not saying to NOT give a thank you note, I'm just saying asking for a thank you note right after the wedding when you are obviously celebrating your honeymoon is a little tough. If you're inviting a co-worker and have never met their SO then... that makes no sense... The asking for money thing, I agree it's tacky, and I would not do that... but some things people are putting is asking for too much... it's a wedding!! a PARTY!!! not an Oscars Award show... people...relax... if you don't like what's going on in a wedding or what's going to happen at a wedding leave or kindly reply no. That's all I'm saying people!!!!

The problem is that you don't typically know you are going to be attending an event with a cash bar, or no food during a mealtime, etc. until you are already there.

What are your etiquette deal breakers?

Re: What are your etiquette deal breakers?

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