Honeymoon Jar?

LDay2014 · May 2014

cberka2 said:

Women on The Knot are literally one of the bitchiest, more terrible humans alive. Here's all you need to know - It's your wedding. Do WHATEVER YOU WANT.

Welcome to the etiquette board, where we care about the impression we leave on our guests.

Don't like it, dont post here.

K'thanx Bye!

misshart00 · May 2014

photokitty said:

cberka2 said:

Women on The Knot are literally one of the bitchiest, more terrible humans alive. Here's all you need to know - It's your wedding. Do WHATEVER YOU WANT.

@knotporscha this sounds like an attack. You might want to keep an eye on this thread as it promises to escalate and digress quickly...

They wanted KP to work really hard today. Between all the technical glitches and putting a thread like this in the email, she's going to have her hands full today.

Fran1985 · May 2014

cberka2 said:

Women on The Knot are literally one of the bitchiest, more terrible humans alive. Here's all you need to know - It's your wedding. Do WHATEVER YOU WANT.

I'm planning on sacrificing one or more of my guests. That's ok with you right? Its myyyyyyyyyy daaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy

Fran1985 · May 2014

misshart00 said:

cberka2 said:

Women on The Knot are literally one of the bitchiest, more terrible humans alive. Here's all you need to know - It's your wedding. Do WHATEVER YOU WANT.

@knotporscha this sounds like an attack. You might want to keep an eye on this thread as it promises to escalate and digress quickly...
They wanted KP to work really hard today. Between all the technical glitches and putting a thread like this in the email, she's going to have her hands full today.

She hasn't loggin in since May 9.

We have personal attacks, lost our love its, triple posts, OUR PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

buddysmom80 · May 2014

Fran1985 said:

cberka2 said:

Women on The Knot are literally one of the bitchiest, more terrible humans alive. Here's all you need to know - It's your wedding. Do WHATEVER YOU WANT.

I'm planning on sacrificing one or more my guests. That's ok with you right? Its myyyyyyyyyy daaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy

Totally. Make sure you have a cash bar so they can't drink before the sacrifice.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

So since it's my big super special amazing day here's what I'm going to do:

First, as I walk down the aisle (to Cherry Pie) I'm going to perform a strip tease and I expect all the guests to fling cash at me (make it rain bitches!!!).

Second, after I get up front I'll shimmy into some little dress I have waiting.

Third, the vows will be a secret language we make up so no one will understand anything.

Fourth, on our way out I except more cash. Hello, we totally deserve tips for that hell of a good performance.

Fifth, we'll take a like a 6 hour gap. Probably get some lunch, go see a movie and of course PICTURES. I dunno what my guests will do, not my problem.

Sixth, when we finally get to the reception we'll eat and the guests will wait until we're done. They can have whatever is left.

Seventh, we hold everyone up at gun point until they empty their wallets.

It's cool, it's MYYY DAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone will appreciate doing these things for me because I'll be queen of the fucking universe that day>

sycgirl6 · May 2014

Honeyfund, specifically, is not a big corporation. It was started by a couple who are friends of one of my wedding guests and they only charge if 1) your guest gives you a gift by credit/debit card (this covers the visa/mc/etc service fees) or 2) you want to upgrade the appearance of your site to look neater for your guests. I think, with changing times and an decreasingly materialistic generation about to get married, that the idea of asking for contributions to your honeymoon is becoming less tacky/rude and certainly more common, expected, or appreciated. With a honeymoon registry, you can reap intrinsic benefits from your guests' gifts rather than watching them collect dust for 364 days out of the year. And it could make for some wonderful personalized thank you notes to include a picture of yourselves enjoying the activity that your loved one "purchased" for you!

IDK--maybe it comes down to "knowing your audience." Some families may be more accepting and others not. We are not doing a dollar dance for the same "classy hooker" reasons listed before, even though some relatives of mine have already asked about it excitedly. I hope that they contribute to our Honeyfund, but for those who would rather give a material gift we have set up a small store registry.

misshart00 · May 2014

Lol. Decreasingly materialistic generation.

buddysmom80 · May 2014

sycgirl6 said:

Honeyfund, specifically, is not a big corporation. It was started by a couple who are friends of one of my wedding guests and they only charge if 1) your guest gives you a gift by credit/debit card (this covers the visa/mc/etc service fees) or 2) you want to upgrade the appearance of your site to look neater for your guests. I think, with changing times and an decreasingly materialistic generation about to get married, that the idea of asking for contributions to your honeymoon is becoming less tacky/rude and certainly more common, expected, or appreciated. With a honeymoon registry, you can reap intrinsic benefits from your guests' gifts rather than watching them collect dust for 364 days out of the year. And it could make for some wonderful personalized thank you notes to include a picture of yourselves enjoying the activity that your loved one "purchased" for you! IDK--maybe it comes down to "knowing your audience." Some families may be more accepting and others not. We are not doing a dollar dance for the same "classy hooker" reasons listed before, even though some relatives of mine have already asked about it excitedly. I hope that they contribute to our Honeyfund, but for those who would rather give a material gift we have set up a small store registry.

I'm one of those brides that has stuff already (like registry stuff) in my home. But, it was my stuff before FI and I lived together. Guess what? Still having a registry because we need to upgrade what we have and FI loves to cook so he picked out stuff too. Sure, we'd love a honeymoon registry but I had one bad experience and would never do a HM registry (regs, I've told this story before). I take a car pool with other employees in my organization. One of the riders is a higher-up in our corporation and another rider got married while the higher-up was on vacation. When he got back he goes: "oh Jane, I didn't know you got married, where are you registered? I'd love to buy out the rest of your registry." She goes "Oh we had a honeymoon registry so you can't buy us anything."

I rolled my eyes so hard and decided at that point if/when I get married, no way in hell would I want a honeymoon registry.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

misshart00 said:

Lol. Decreasingly materialistic generation.

Nothing says "I'm not materialistic" like "GIVE ME MONEY FOR A TRIP". If you aren't materialistic...don't register. For anything. At all. Spread it word of mouth that there is nothing you two want/need and really would just appreciate people coming to your wedding, no need for gifts (again via word of mouth, don't actually say no gifts). If people give gifts, write thank you notes. Then go about living your un-materialistic life.

KGold80 · May 2014

sycgirl6 said:

Honeyfund, specifically, is not a big corporation. It was started by a couple who are friends of one of my wedding guests and they only charge if 1) your guest gives you a gift by credit/debit card (this covers the visa/mc/etc service fees) or 2) you want to upgrade the appearance of your site to look neater for your guests. I think, with changing times and an decreasingly materialistic generation about to get married, that the idea of asking for contributions to your honeymoon is becoming less tacky/rude and certainly more common, expected, or appreciated. With a honeymoon registry, you can reap intrinsic benefits from your guests' gifts rather than watching them collect dust for 364 days out of the year. And it could make for some wonderful personalized thank you notes to include a picture of yourselves enjoying the activity that your loved one "purchased" for you! IDK--maybe it comes down to "knowing your audience." Some families may be more accepting and others not. We are not doing a dollar dance for the same "classy hooker" reasons listed before, even though some relatives of mine have already asked about it excitedly. I hope that they contribute to our Honeyfund, but for those who would rather give a material gift we have set up a small store registry.

First point - Virtually everyone who contributes to a Honeyfund is going to do so with credit or debit card. Thus, that whole line of reasoning is completely bogus.

Second point - what evidence do you have that the generation about to get married is less materialistic? Maybe we're living on different planets or something, but I'm not seeing it.

Finally, people who want to give you money will give you money. You can then use that money on your honeymoon. It really isn't that hard.

bricoco123 · May 2014

This is all very interesting... I grew up in a culture where the money dance was 'normal'; it is a tradition in many different cultures and ethnic groups. I don't see it as rude not only because it is apart of my ethnic background but also because of the history behind it. The original 'intent' or 'idea' behind having a money dance was NOT to ask money from your guest to help fund your honeymoon. It was first and foremost a time that was allotted for the Bride and Groom to spend a more intimate and personal time with each of their guests by dancing with them one-on-one. In turn, the guests would pin or tape money to the Bride or Groom as a sign of 'blessing' or a token of good fortune for their new life as a couple. I think now in this society we focus so much on the money aspect of everything... not a bad characteristic at all... don't get me wrong!! BUT all I'm saying is.... this is the background behind the money dance... people see it as such a faux pas because of the money aspect of it all... but it is simply a tradition that other cultures love and still practice.

kitsunegari89 · May 2014

buddysmom80 said:

sycgirl6 said:

Honeyfund, specifically, is not a big corporation. It was started by a couple who are friends of one of my wedding guests and they only charge if 1) your guest gives you a gift by credit/debit card (this covers the visa/mc/etc service fees) or 2) you want to upgrade the appearance of your site to look neater for your guests. I think, with changing times and an decreasingly materialistic generation about to get married, that the idea of asking for contributions to your honeymoon is becoming less tacky/rude and certainly more common, expected, or appreciated. With a honeymoon registry, you can reap intrinsic benefits from your guests' gifts rather than watching them collect dust for 364 days out of the year. And it could make for some wonderful personalized thank you notes to include a picture of yourselves enjoying the activity that your loved one "purchased" for you! IDK--maybe it comes down to "knowing your audience." Some families may be more accepting and others not. We are not doing a dollar dance for the same "classy hooker" reasons listed before, even though some relatives of mine have already asked about it excitedly. I hope that they contribute to our Honeyfund, but for those who would rather give a material gift we have set up a small store registry.

I'm one of those brides that has stuff already (like registry stuff) in my home. But, it was my stuff before FI and I lived together. Guess what? Still having a registry because we need to upgrade what we have and FI loves to cook so he picked out stuff too. Sure, we'd love a honeymoon registry but I had one bad experience and would never do a HM registry (regs, I've told this story before). I take a car pool with other employees in my organization. One of the riders is a higher-up in our corporation and another rider got married while the higher-up was on vacation. When he got back he goes: "oh Jane, I didn't know you got married, where are you registered? I'd love to buy out the rest of your registry." She goes "Oh we had a honeymoon registry so you can't buy us anything."

I rolled my eyes so hard and decided at that point if/when I get married, no way in hell would I want a honeymoon registry.

YOWCH... that's such a missed opportunity. Glad it wasn't meee!

misshart00 · May 2014

bricoco123 said:
This is all very interesting... I grew up in a culture where the money dance was 'normal'; it is a tradition in many different cultures and ethnic groups. I don't see it as rude not only because it is apart of my ethnic background but also because of the history behind it. The original 'intent' or 'idea' behind having a money dance was NOT to ask money from your guest to help fund your honeymoon. It was first and foremost a time that was allotted for the Bride and Groom to spend a more intimate and personal time with each of their guests by dancing with them one-on-one. In turn, the guests would pin or tape money to the Bride or Groom as a sign of 'blessing' or a token of good fortune for their new life as a couple. I think now in this society we focus so much on the money aspect of everything... not a bad characteristic at all... don't get me wrong!! BUT all I'm saying is.... this is the background behind the money dance... people see it as such a faux pas because of the money aspect of it all... but it is simply a tradition that other cultures love and still practice.

Why can't they just dance with the bride and groom? Without money?

sycgirl6 · May 2014

Meh. Maybe it's just my peers who are buying less new stuff, clearing out any crap they can, and when buying, try to buy used. Most all my friends save or invest their money, or save to buy special meaningful things as opposed to cheap junk (invest), rather than spend it on crap like all our parents did.

kitsunegari89 · May 2014

misshart00 said:

This is all very interesting... I grew up in a culture where the money dance was 'normal'; it is a tradition in many different cultures and ethnic groups. I don't see it as rude not only because it is apart of my ethnic background but also because of the history behind it. The original 'intent' or 'idea' behind having a money dance was NOT to ask money from your guest to help fund your honeymoon. It was first and foremost a time that was allotted for the Bride and Groom to spend a more intimate and personal time with each of their guests by dancing with them one-on-one. In turn, the guests would pin or tape money to the Bride or Groom as a sign of 'blessing' or a token of good fortune for their new life as a couple. I think now in this society we focus so much on the money aspect of everything... not a bad characteristic at all... don't get me wrong!! BUT all I'm saying is.... this is the background behind the money dance... people see it as such a faux pas because of the money aspect of it all... but it is simply a tradition that other cultures love and still practice.
Why can't they just dance with the bride and groom? Without money?

I didn't know a money dance was a thing until I was getting pressure from everyone to do it on the day of the wedding. Everyone had their small bills waiting and was waving them around and "paid" me to dance with them. They "paid" my husband with wooden nickels, gum sticks, and pocket lint for dances. I think it's pretty tacky, but it wasn't my idea so I figured it was okay. I didn't want to disappoint my uncles anyway. Some people pinned money to my train. It was all in good fun. I think it's definitely in poor taste for a bride and groom to initiate a money dance, but if they are trapped into it by well-meaning relatives, I think it's okay. I wish I had it on video because I was really mortified and it's pretty funny.

sagemonster · May 2014

stolzyb said:

What's the difference between someone spending $100 on a keurig for you or giving $100 dollars to a honeymoon registry?

How is not rude to register for cutlery, but it's rude to register for your honeymoon, where your loved ones can help you create long lasting memories?

I agree that asking for money on top of a registry is poor etiquette, but instead of one....a registry is a registry.

This. While I agree that a honeymoon jar at your reception is rude and seems like a grab for even more money beyond whatever gift your guests have already generously gotten you, I don't understand why a honeymoon registry like Honeyfund is seen as poor etiquette?

Since my fiance and I have been living together for four years and have most of what we need already, we set up a Honeyfund in addition to a small registry for some household items. I spent a lot of time looking up restaurants, museums, and other activities we'd like to do in the cities we'll be visiting to list on our registry.

I don't understand why asking someone to get me a set of pots is ok, but asking for a canal tour of Amsterdam is out of the question. If one of our guests has already decided to make the effort to get us a gift (which is by no means a requirement to come to my wedding) why is this such a rude option? I've done it for other couples before, and my friends have said they thought it was a creative idea and would prefer to get me and my fiance something we'll really appreciate, not just another loaf pan.

misshart00 · May 2014

sagemonster said:
stolzyb said:

What's the difference between someone spending $100 on a keurig for you or giving $100 dollars to a honeymoon registry?

How is not rude to register for cutlery, but it's rude to register for your honeymoon, where your loved ones can help you create long lasting memories?

I agree that asking for money on top of a registry is poor etiquette, but instead of one....a registry is a registry.

This. While I agree that a honeymoon jar at your reception is rude and seems
like a grab for even more money beyond whatever gift your guests have already
generously gotten you, I don't understand why a honeymoon registry like
Honeyfund is seen as poor etiquette?

Since my fiance and I have been living together for four years and have most of what we need already, we set up a Honeyfund in addition to a small registry for some household items. I spent a lot of time looking up restaurants, museums, and other activities we'd like to do in the cities we'll be visiting to list on our registry.

I don't understand why asking someone to get me a set of pots is ok, but asking for a canal tour of Amsterdam is out of the question. If one of our guests has already decided to make the effort to get us a gift (which is by no means a requirement to come to my wedding) why is this such a rude option? I've done it for other couples before, and my friends have said they thought it was a creative idea and would prefer to get me and my fiance something we'll really appreciate, not just another loaf pan.

Because when someone buys you pans from BBB, you get pans. When someone buys a tour of Amsterdam, you get $100 less fees.

buddysmom80 · May 2014

sagemonster said:

stolzyb said:

What's the difference between someone spending $100 on a keurig for you or giving $100 dollars to a honeymoon registry?

How is not rude to register for cutlery, but it's rude to register for your honeymoon, where your loved ones can help you create long lasting memories?

I agree that asking for money on top of a registry is poor etiquette, but instead of one....a registry is a registry.
This. While I agree that a honeymoon jar at your reception is rude and seems like a grab for even more money beyond whatever gift your guests have already generously gotten you, I don't understand why a honeymoon registry like Honeyfund is seen as poor etiquette?

Since my fiance and I have been living together for four years and have most of what we need already, we set up a Honeyfund in addition to a small registry for some household items. I spent a lot of time looking up restaurants, museums, and other activities we'd like to do in the cities we'll be visiting to list on our registry.

I don't understand why asking someone to get me a set of pots is ok, but asking for a canal tour of Amsterdam is out of the question. If one of our guests has already decided to make the effort to get us a gift (which is by no means a requirement to come to my wedding) why is this such a rude option? I've done it for other couples before, and my friends have said they thought it was a creative idea and would prefer to get me and my fiance something we'll really appreciate, not just another loaf pan.

SITB:

Honeyfunds are bad because a guest pays $100 but the honeyfund takes a cut, so you get a check for like $95 for your excursions. I'd rather get a $100 check and cut out the middleman.

Just keep the small registry and tell people your saving money for Amsterdam, they'll get the hint.

NavyBlue143 · May 2014

The main problems with honeymoon registries are that:

1) nobody needs to be told cash is a great gift, everyone knows it is, some people don't like to give cash.

2) most HM registries aren't actually buying you the thing the guest is paying for, they just give you a check. That's lying.

3) including any info about gifts in an invitation suggests gifts are expected. It's rude to expect presents.

It's okay to tell people if they ask that you are saving up for a honeymoon. But you shouldn't outright ask for money. Or any gift.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

Do people with honeymoon registries honestly think they are the only ones who have been together for awhile before getting married? That the rest of us are still living at home and haven't set up a household yet?

July 4 of this year is our 10 year anniversary. We've got crap. We've got pots, pans, dishes, vacuums (we actually own three for reasons we don't understand), a very expensive mixer that I don't touch, a coffee maker I'm in love with, we've got our shit is what I'm saying. So did we make a honeymoon registry? Fuck no. We registered for stuff we'd never bother to buy ourselves, some tools we needed, some board games, I'm trying to figure out how to register for booze (seriously, anyone know?), we did register for some really nice towels because while towels seem boring they are very nice to have. My point being, we found other off the beaten path to register for and we'll be grateful if we receive them. We did not say "Pay for my vacation" because that is what a honeymoon is. It's a vacation. Would you ask for people to fund any other vacation for you?

sycgirl6 · May 2014

MagicInk said:
I'm trying to figure out how to register for booze (seriously, anyone know?)

MyRegistry.com. Then go to BevMo/etc and have-at.

ohannabelle · May 2014

LiznArt said:

I don't think it is rude. I plan on asking for money on my wedding. We have lived together for a while and I do not need an extra set of towels or wine glasses. We want to use the money in the honeymoon. We are going to Europe. This is an example of how I plan to do it.
We know it’s traditional to write a list
But in this case there is a slight twist
Our home is complete with the usual stuff
And the things that we have are good enough
Our dream is to honeymoon in a foreign land
And walk along vineries hand in hand
We hope you don’t think of us as being rude
And that our request is not misconstrued
A contribution to our honeymoon pot would be appreciated such a lot
But the most important thing to say
Is that you are there to celebrate our day

Good Luck! It's your day do whatever you feel.

Please, please, please, don't.

A crime against poetry doesn't disguise a crime against etiquette.

Doing "whatever you feel" is possibly the worst etiquette advice ever given.

It may be your day, but those are your guests.

Telling them in whatever goody gumdrops cutesypoo way that you want money is wrong. There is no nice way to ask people to open their check books and give me some.

The purpose of a wedding gift is to help young couples set up their new home together, not to sponsor luxury vacations. People will give you cash or checks, because people do. I like to. If I received a solicitation like this, I would decline to attend the beg-athon. No present would be sent.

finnea · May 2014

A registry is a registry, is a registry. No matter how you spin it, putting a teapot on a registry is asking for a teapot. Putting a honeymoon on a registry is asking for money towards a honeymoon.

There is *no* difference. Zero. Zilch. NONE.

Now, in my opinion, in order to remove the problem of simply asking for money, you can provide the information for the guests so they can actually purchase the part of the honeymoon you are asking for.

So, on the "registry", list the time and day that you want to do this particular event during your honeymoon. Then the guest will go online, or call the place where the event is listed, and actually purchase the listed item. Then the guest gets to control where the money goes (with no registry fees!) and the couple gets something they truly want.

Remember, that the couple could (and should if this is their route) take pictures of those gifts to send to the people who purchased them. So if my grandmother buys tickets for a museum, then we take a picture of us inside at one of the exhibits that we liked the most. Then Grandma gets the picture with the Thank-You note!

As far as a jar at the wedding: if the same principle is applied then I see no problem. Put an opaque and lockable box with a slit in the top on the table that the gifts are placed. Put fliers and pictures of the places and things you'd like to do on the honeymoon with that box. Then guests can leave the amount of money they'd like without having to feel guilty about the amount. If my aunt wants to leave $5...then I look at it as a great gift because she didn't have to leave anything.

ohannabelle · May 2014

This is an etiquette board.

(That's all. Just thought I'd throw that out there for all those people who mistook it for the "I'm a special snowflake and it's my day board.")

mellowmarshmallow · May 2014

My standard response to cutesy poems came straight from Etiquette Hell...

I don't accept invoices
for your life choices.

You are choosing to have a honeymoon, so you should pay for it. You are choosing not to register for items to upgrade what you already have, so you may get boxed gifts that you don't like or need. Own those choices. If people give you cash, then you are more than welcome to use that toward the honeymoon, but asking for cash is just rude.

KGold80 · May 2014

finnea said:

A registry is a registry, is a registry. No matter how you spin it, putting a teapot on a registry is asking for a teapot. Putting a honeymoon on a registry is asking for money towards a honeymoon.
There is *no* difference. Zero. Zilch. NONE.
Now, in my opinion, in order to remove the problem of simply asking for money, you can provide the information for the guests so they can actually purchase the part of the honeymoon you are asking for.
So, on the "registry", list the time and day that you want to do this particular event during your honeymoon. Then the guest will go online, or call the place where the event is listed, and actually purchase the listed item. Then the guest gets to control where the money goes (with no registry fees!) and the couple gets something they truly want.
Remember, that the couple could (and should if this is their route) take pictures of those gifts to send to the people who purchased them. So if my grandmother buys tickets for a museum, then we take a picture of us inside at one of the exhibits that we liked the most. Then Grandma gets the picture with the Thank-You note!

Yeah, because that is oh so much easier for the guest than putting a check in a card. If you don't want boxed gifts, don't register. If you want to do extra fun stuff on your honeymoon, use the cash/checks you receive at your wedding toward your honeymoon. You can even say in the thank you note..."Thanks so much for the generous gift! We were able to use it to do x on our honeymoon!" By NOT registering for your honeymoon, you run ZERO risk of appearing rude to any of your guests. It's always better to err on the side of caution when it comes to etiquette.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

Here is the answer all the newbies that will flock to this thread will want to hear. You are a special little snowflake and deserve everything that you want, including your guests throwing all their money at you and helping you fund your vacation (oh I mean honeymoon), because you are a bride (or groom) and that means that you are Queen (or King) of the day. So bow down bitches cause you are the shiznit!

angelawright79 · May 2014

I have seen "cake smash jar" ideas. They seem a little less rude to me and not like you are asking for money from people. In essence you would put a jar labeled "bride" and one labeled "groom" next to the cake with a sign that says at the time of the cake cutting, the person with the most cash in the jar will get the cake in their face. I know I will end up with the cake in my face as my family all thinks this idea is hilarious.

No one is obligated to participate, and the few extra bucks from the jars can be used for anything.

I personally disagree with cash registry funds, but this seems non-offensive to me.

lyndausvi · May 2014

I hate the idea that people are taking something like helping a young couple prepare a home (i,e the point of a shower) and turning into ways to get money out of their guests instead.

Hey, I got married older. Owned a home and the whole nine yards. I get it. I had a small registry of upgrades for my small shower. Wedding gifts in both our social groups are generally cash/checks without the fees.

If you don't need the physical stuff then don't registry for them. Decline a shower, but registering for money is just tacky.

I had to have my HM paid for a few months out, some people I'm sure have to pay in full when you arrive. Most of my wedding cash was given AT the wedding. I'm sure I'm not alone. So I don't get the whole HM registry anyway. It seems weird and almost stressful to wait and see if you get enough to go away.

Bottom line is I will decline a shower that only has a HM registry, as I refuse to give cash at a GIFT event. I give cash at a weddings anyway. Why give to a registry that take a cut when I can give you the whole amount?

Honeymoon Jar?

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