My parents divorced when I was in first grade. It hurt a lot. I didn't know dad was abusing mom. Hell, I didn't even know I was being abused, and mom sure as hell didn't know he was abusing my sister and I.
The best thing my mom did for my sister and I was leave our bio dad. Yes, it was hard. But it was so much better than the alternative.
This will not be better for my children.maybe if it were worse but not as is. They have never seen anything but love between us. We don't argue or drink in front of them. We do fun stuff together all the time. We honestly have this picture perfect life.
My parents got divorced seemingly out of no where and I was confused for years. That is what they will see. I'm not going to tell them why. They will see mom and dad abandoning them and breaking up their home. Not mom sticking up for herself. Yes they are resilient but it will hurt them a lot. And that hurts me.
You're looking at this totally from the wrong perspective. You're still making decisions and running your thought process based on who he was and who you THOUGHT he was. He is NOT that person, at least not anymore. Is he a bad man? No, most likely not, I'm sure it's a wonderful guy in many aspects. But this should not be the type of risky behavior that you should accept in a partner or in a father to your children.
It's not just about what's better for them right at this very moment, but also about what's better off for them in the future. You have (had?) a "picture perfect life". Fantastic. Now you don't. I'm sorry, but you don't. Things are not the same because HE has changed them. What was good for your children yesterday is no longer good for your children today. You cannot make choices about the future of your partnership based on who he USED to be, that is a moot point and dangerous.
Sure, your children may not understand why mommy left daddy, but do you really WANT them to understand? Do you really WANT to put them in a position where they understand that you're hurting and that daddy is the one who is hurting you?
Please don't take this as me being ungreatfulness for the advice but I am under A LOT OF FUCKING PRESSURE. And I've already chosen what to do. I'm kicking him out, changing the locks, putting on my big girl panties.
I was venting. And venting doesn't need lecturing. I KNOW all of what you said is correct. But quoting my picture perfect life and saying Fantastic. Just like that is harsh and honestly hurtful to me right now. Am I being sensitive? Fuck yeah I am. But dammit I can be if I want.
Edit- I know you mean well, everyone does but please don't treat me like a stupid snow flake planning a ppd
Of course you can be sensitive. You can cry or scream or be totally silent or do whatever the hell you want or say whatever you want to get it out. The situation is hurtful and stressful and frustrating and insulting and just plain bad.
So I get it, and I don't think that you're being ungrateful and I'm sorry if I came off as a bit too harsh. I guess it's frustrating for me to watch this, because I just want to shake the screen and get you all out of there and fix it for you, but all I have is words.
A lot of people will say they are going to leave their abusers and then go back to them. Repeatedly. So, I think the unrelentingness of some replies are because of that. Nobody wants to see you post in another month that he punched you again. We want to see you safe.
But yes. This whole situation sucks, and you are allowed to feel and express the torrent of emotions you're going through.
I am not judging you either. I just want you to hear it from a child's perspective. You are worried about them, now. You are a good mom... that is what good moms do. I am just sharing with you that from a child's perspective, to be a little confused is better than seeing domestic violence happen to someone you love. You are being to hard on yourself for this situation. Sure, your situation changed, and it feels bad to not be able to give your children the life you envisioned for them.
Your kids will thank you, anyways. They will have so much respect for you. If they say, Why did you stay with dad so long, and then want to divorce him?" All you say is: "I did stay with your father for a long time, and the fact that I can't be with your dad anymore means I didn't make this decision easily, but I felt it was best for me and all of you."
Every child is somewhat unappreciative of what their parents do for them (work, clean the house, take them to lessons, cook for them.) When they become young adults, they will see all the sacrifices you made, and they will know you made each and every sacrifice for their best interests. There is no way they wouldn't love you even more for that.
I won't dispense any advice 7 pages later. And what I'd do in your situation is vastly different than what any sane individual would advise, but I'm admittedly a crazy bitch.
What I will say is that if there's any chance of your reconciling with him, either now or later, you should think long and hard about involving the authorities.
Sure, if you or your children are in imminent danger, by all means, do what you have to. But if you're going to involve the cops to be punitive, know that if you guys get back together, you'll suffer the consequences together. All the court dates. Fines. Probation crap. More fines. Attorney's fees. Community service fees. Possible complications due to his criminal record expanding. And then there's the fun of being on your state's Family Services Dept.'s radar. A place few people would like to be purposely.
If you're going to DTMFA, fuck him, call the cops, he certainly deserves all the aggravation, all by his lonesome.
You have every right to be freaking out right now! I would be. This is life changing and if you don't recognize that then you will have some issues later on. I think it is super rational to recognize all the ways this will impact you now so they don't sneak up on you later. Yes, this will impact your children and it will impact you for the rest of your life. It will be hard, but you are doing the right thing.
I wish you the best of luck.
You can do this. If he died tonight, you'd figure out how to raise your kids right? It might look really different long term. It might mean selling both houses and renting a 1 bedroom for a while. It might mean no dance classes. If might mean returning every wedding gift you can for cash , selling the rest, getting a new job, eating fast food, and homework just not getting done every night. But it will mean keeping your children safe from a violent unstable man who tried to kill you. That's the most important thing.
You have every right to be upset. Scream, cry, throw some things (preferably at the ground or a wall). But then act, in a way that puts you and your kids in a safe place.
Take a deep breath. Tackle today, and what needs to be done right now. Think about tomorrow, a little bit. Don't think about five or ten years from now, because you never know what the universe has in store.
I am so very sorry that you are going through this right now. As for what to do? Instead of thinking of all of the reasons why it will be so hard, think of the possibility that it's not hard at all. Picture food coming, bills paid, suitable childcare. No, this isn't The Secret, it is introducing the idea to your mind that it can happen. And if it can happen, it will happen. You are the breadwinner. You are the bill payer. You. You can do this. Good luck and come back here for advice/support/virtual hugs anytime you need to.
"D"H and I had a massive fight Satuday night/Sunday morning. We went out tailgating a late game and after the game he wanted to meet his cousin at a bar. He told her he wpuld and felt obligated. I told him early in the day, completely sober I didn't want to go. She would have underatood. I think she invites us to be nice. Still we went. I was tired. My body ached from being on my feet and walking for hours. I didn't drink amything. He did shots with her and her friends. I'm 90% sure she is gay but not out. All of her friends are. She was dancing with girls before she noticed us. She visibly stopped having as much fun when we arrived. But we already know this about it her so I mentioned to H that we should go. He thinks I'm saying that just because I'm a sour puss and am not having fun. That is true also but the only reason we were there is because he felt like he promised her but she didn't even care. We finally left after he has a other drink.
Then he wants pizza. I stand in line while he tried to get a cab. Not possible. After 30 mins I give up on the pizza line and sit on a curb. He is cutting with strangers and I order and Uber. It takes us to our car $55 for 4 miles. Whatever. H is obnoxious in the Uber and embarasaing me and the driver. We en we get in our car and I start driving home. He starts going g on and on about "should I just go by myself next time? You didn't have to come out after the game, blah blah" I did have to come out. We had one car. Miles away. One set of keys to get in the house. I tried to tell him I didn't want to talk and to just shut up. We are shouting at this point. The radio is on and "our song" comes on. The one we danced to. The one that makes me all emotional every time I hear it.
Then he punches me.
Right in the jaw. I gasp and look at him and he does it again on the other side of my face. He says "I can't fucking take it anymore". We are speeding down the freeway at 65 mph. I hit the brakes pull over, throw the car in park and it skids to a stop. I hop out and start wasking. Nothing happens. 20 seconds late I hear the zoom towards me. I jump the gaurdrail. Jump a fence and run. I hid in the bushes of a shopping center for about 40 mins while he looked for me. He would come and go. Calling my phone 12 times in an hour. Once I hadn't seen him in a while i walked 1.5 miles back to campus and took a cab home. I was going to sleep in my car but his drunk self left the keys in the front door so I bar academic myself in the guestroom. Just in case he was still raging. He was passed out drunk though.
Now I don't know what to do. 12 years of dating, 2 houses, 2 children, no abuse and now 3 weeks after we are wed he hits me. Hard. My face still hurts. I didn't talk to him yesterday except right before bed. He tried to apologize and say it was a mistake. He was drunk he didn't realize. Should never have said or done the things he did. I had no sympathy and couldn't even look him in the face. He slept in the guest room.
I'm at work now and cannot concentrate. I want to curl up in a ball under my desk and dissappear. I don't know who to talk to and what to do. He has been the only person I go to for years. Now I cant. All of our friends are couple friends. I can't tell them. Or the parents. Not yet anyway. I was supposed to do thank you cards yesterday. I almost wrote checks and sent them all back.
Thanks if you go through this. I'm a mess today. No tears at all through all of this. Maybe if I can cry I'll feel better.
I am reading this and my heart breaks for you!!!! Oh my goodness.
Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.
Senecaf - I am just so so very sorry for you and your family. This has been so difficult to read because it takes this 54 yo Mama right back to being 9 or 10 and watching her stepdad beat the crap out of her mother - but only when alcohol was involved. It has been truly shocking to me how quickly I returned to that little girl.
You have had a ton of great advice here and you most likely don't need anymore. In one day you are light years stronger than my mother ever was. That speaks volumes about you. I am sorry your wonderful life exploded and you are the one to pick up the pieces. Even though you may not feel it right now, you ARE strong, you ARE a wonderful mom, you ARE a beautiful person, and you and your kids do not deserve this. You are, also, like the rest of us, a fragile human being.
I want you to know that I will be praying for you, your children, and your husband daily. Alcoholism robbed me of a decent number of my immediate family and I am so so sorry you are dealing with this. I do pray for your strength, for his treatment and recovery - and then, after that, whatever the good Lord brings your way. Be strong beautiful child.
I am so sorry you are going through this. No one ever expects our lives to change so suddenly. When my oldest daughter was 8 months old her father got drunk at a wedding. When I refused to put my baby in a car and drive to my families camp for the night because we had been drinking he became enraged. He smashed the phone broke the baby's crib and finally punched me in the head while I had the baby in my arms. I ran out of the house barefoot with my baby in my arms to my aunts house next door. My brother came and took us to his house. The next day I was in court filing for custody of my child. My ex was told to leave the house and attend AA and councelling. He did attend both and stopped drinking. It took a long time to trust him again but I did give him another chance since he did everything he needed to. Nothing like that ever happened again. We ended up divorcing many years later for other reasons. I'm just telling you this so you'll see it can work out if he is willing to do everything he needs to in order to be in yours and his children's lives. If he chooses not to get the help he needs then you move on without him back in your life. I wish you the strength and courage you'll need right now.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
I'm very late to the thread, but I just wanted to add my own thoughts for you. I am so saddened to hear something like this happened to you and your family after such a long and happy relationship together. I am not going to dispense advice, I think you're doing everything you can to move forward after a horrible situation.
I just want to echo what a few others have said, take it a day at a time... you don't have to figure it all out today. You've taken some really huge and hard steps, you should be proud of yourself for that.
Now that I finally have a chance to sit down and type something up, it looks like you have already been given a ton of great advice, so ill just re-iterate a few main points:
1) No matter what happened, you do not deserve this.
2) It is NEVER just once. He has already gotten away with it, and he will do it again.
3) If you are on the fence about pressing charges, please, for the love of god, do it. If you don't get it on the record, you can't get a restraining order or order of protection very easily, and you never know if you will need one in the future (spoiler: you probably will). I didn't do this until it was far too late. I waited until I was hospitalized and potentially losing the daughter that I was pregnant with. DO NOT WAIT. Because I did, he had no priors. Because he had no DV priors (but some other, unrelated priors), he only spent 14 days in jail. 14 days was not long enough to pack my shit and get out of the house. I bet you can guess what happened when he came home after his brief jail stint.
4) Try not to worry yourself too much about what you will do in the future. It will be hard, and it will suck. But it wont suck as hard as being trapped with a violent man. Honey, the longer you stay, the harder it gets to get away.
5) JC and others provided some GREAT resources. Use them. Use us as a support system. Use your friends. You are going to be okay.
I have been lurking all day and I really gotta say... Unless someone has been in your shoes it's hard to understand. I have never had this happen to me... But if it is anything like say... Being with a cheater I am sure it's similar. Everyone says they will leave but then when it happens, you of course want to try and make it work. I know I tried to stay with an ex even though I never thought I'd be with someone who cheated... But you have so much behind the relationship, memories and in your case even children.
Do I think you guys should stay together? It's really not my place to say. I do think you guys should see some kind of counselling, get some space and figure out how to make sure this never happens again (since it does seem like it wasn't something he'd normally he do). I think he should also work on his own personal counselling to make sure violence isn't the first thing he turns too.
Keep us updated. Positive thoughts and lots of virtual hugs.
I won't dispense any advice 7 pages later. And what I'd do in your situation is vastly different than what any sane individual would advise, but I'm admittedly a crazy bitch.
What I will say is that if there's any chance of your reconciling with him, either now or later, you should think long and hard about involving the authorities.
Sure, if you or your children are in imminent danger, by all means, do what you have to. But if you're going to involve the cops to be punitive, know that if you guys get back together, you'll suffer the consequences together. All the court dates. Fines. Probation crap. More fines. Attorney's fees. Community service fees. Possible complications due to his criminal record expanding. And then there's the fun of being on your state's Family Services Dept.'s radar. A place few people would like to be purposely.
If you're going to DTMFA, fuck him, call the cops, he certainly deserves all the aggravation, all by his lonesome.
I think this is terrible advice. She IS in imminent danger. Future legal inconveniences are nothing compared to the risk she is currently in. Take all precautions now before it's too late. Filing a temporary restraining order doesn't lead to any fines, probation or criminal records. It just helps keep him away with court & police backing it. So what if they're on the state's family services radar. SHE has done nothing wrong and neither have the kids. The more protection at this point the better. She can then take the time to see if she wants to make the restraining order permanent. It is then that it shows on his records. As damn well it should since he has in fact committed domestic violence. Reconciliation shouldn't be an option until after recovery and much counseling.
I'm saying "she" using the OPs current situation but it's my recommendation to any person going through something similar.
Senecaf- Sorry you feel you're being lectured. As PP mentioned, we are just worried for you and are trying to paint you the clearest picture so there isn't much left for interpretation. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I urge you to at least speak to someone on the hotline. It is anonymous. Any doubts you have can be discussed with them and they'll help you.
I won't dispense any advice 7 pages later. And what I'd do in your situation is vastly different than what any sane individual would advise, but I'm admittedly a crazy bitch.
What I will say is that if there's any chance of your reconciling with him, either now or later, you should think long and hard about involving the authorities.
Sure, if you or your children are in imminent danger, by all means, do what you have to. But if you're going to involve the cops to be punitive, know that if you guys get back together, you'll suffer the consequences together. All the court dates. Fines. Probation crap. More fines. Attorney's fees. Community service fees. Possible complications due to his criminal record expanding. And then there's the fun of being on your state's Family Services Dept.'s radar. A place few people would like to be purposely.
If you're going to DTMFA, fuck him, call the cops, he certainly deserves all the aggravation, all by his lonesome.
Please don't listen to @STBMrsEverhart . This is terrible terrible advice.
True story: I had some neighbors who were Vietnamese. They kept to themselves. One day we saw the police car in front of their house, and they were taking the husband away in handcuffs. Their thirteen year old daughter had blood on her face. The wife was standing in the front yard, yelling. "I am USA citizen now! I have rights! You can't beat wife and children here. If you want to beat wife and children, you go back to Vietnam! I stay here!" We never saw the husband again. We became close friends with the rest of the family. The lady told me that her husband had beaten her for years, and she took it. That day, he turned on his daughter when she tried to defend her mother, and that was too much. Both her daughters were valedictorians of their high school class, and went to college on full scholarship. God bless America!
I won't dispense any advice 7 pages later. And what I'd do in your situation is vastly different than what any sane individual would advise, but I'm admittedly a crazy bitch.
What I will say is that if there's any chance of your reconciling with him, either now or later, you should think long and hard about involving the authorities.
Sure, if you or your children are in imminent danger, by all means, do what you have to. But if you're going to involve the cops to be punitive, know that if you guys get back together, you'll suffer the consequences together. All the court dates. Fines. Probation crap. More fines. Attorney's fees. Community service fees. Possible complications due to his criminal record expanding. And then there's the fun of being on your state's Family Services Dept.'s radar. A place few people would like to be purposely.
If you're going to DTMFA, fuck him, call the cops, he certainly deserves all the aggravation, all by his lonesome.
Please don't listen to @STBMrsEverhart . This is terrible terrible advice.
Really? I didn't advise her to go back to him. In fact, I declined to give advice at all.
But if she does decided to give it another go, involving the authorities is a terrible idea. Why would anyone purposely want to pay fines and deal with the courts, etc., when it's a done deal?
True story: I had some neighbors who were Vietnamese. They kept to themselves. One day we saw the police car in front of their house, and they were taking the husband away in handcuffs. Their thirteen year old daughter had blood on her face. The wife was standing in the front yard, yelling. "I am USA citizen now! I have rights! You can't beat wife and children here. If you want to beat wife and children, you go back to Vietnam! I stay here!" We never saw the husband again. We became close friends with the rest of the family. The lady told me that her husband had beaten her for years, and she took it. That day, he turned on his daughter when she tried to defend her mother, and that was too much. Both her daughters were valedictorians of their high school class, and went to college on full scholarship. God bless America!
That story just gave me the major chills. That woman is my hero.
Re: Grounds for divorce... After 3 weeks of marriage
The best thing my mom did for my sister and I was leave our bio dad. Yes, it was hard. But it was so much better than the alternative.
Please don't take this as me being ungreatfulness for the advice but I am under A LOT OF FUCKING PRESSURE. And I've already chosen what to do. I'm kicking him out, changing the locks, putting on my big girl panties.
I was venting. And venting doesn't need lecturing. I KNOW all of what you said is correct. But quoting my picture perfect life and saying Fantastic. Just like that is harsh and honestly hurtful to me right now. Am I being sensitive? Fuck yeah I am. But dammit I can be if I want.
Edit- I know you mean well, everyone does but please don't treat me like a stupid snow flake planning a ppd
But yes. This whole situation sucks, and you are allowed to feel and express the torrent of emotions you're going through.
What I will say is that if there's any chance of your reconciling with him, either now or later, you should think long and hard about involving the authorities.
Sure, if you or your children are in imminent danger, by all means, do what you have to. But if you're going to involve the cops to be punitive, know that if you guys get back together, you'll suffer the consequences together. All the court dates. Fines. Probation crap. More fines. Attorney's fees. Community service fees. Possible complications due to his criminal record expanding. And then there's the fun of being on your state's Family Services Dept.'s radar. A place few people would like to be purposely.
If you're going to DTMFA, fuck him, call the cops, he certainly deserves all the aggravation, all by his lonesome.
Take a deep breath. Tackle today, and what needs to be done right now. Think about tomorrow, a little bit. Don't think about five or ten years from now, because you never know what the universe has in store.
I am so very sorry that you are going through this right now. As for what to do? Instead of thinking of all of the reasons why it will be so hard, think of the possibility that it's not hard at all. Picture food coming, bills paid, suitable childcare. No, this isn't The Secret, it is introducing the idea to your mind that it can happen. And if it can happen, it will happen. You are the breadwinner. You are the bill payer. You. You can do this. Good luck and come back here for advice/support/virtual hugs anytime you need to.
Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.
I'm just telling you this so you'll see it can work out if he is willing to do everything he needs to in order to be in yours and his children's lives. If he chooses not to get the help he needs then you move on without him back in your life.
I wish you the strength and courage you'll need right now.
Do I think you guys should stay together? It's really not my place to say.
I do think you guys should see some kind of counselling, get some space and figure out how to make sure this never happens again (since it does seem like it wasn't something he'd normally he do). I think he should also work on his own personal counselling to make sure violence isn't the first thing he turns too.
I'm the fuck out.
The wife was standing in the front yard, yelling. "I am USA citizen now! I have rights! You can't beat wife and children here. If you want to beat wife and children, you go back to Vietnam! I stay here!"
We never saw the husband again. We became close friends with the rest of the family. The lady told me that her husband had beaten her for years, and she took it. That day, he turned on his daughter when she tried to defend her mother, and that was too much. Both her daughters were valedictorians of their high school class, and went to college on full scholarship.
God bless America!