Asking a friend to be an Usher instead of a Groomsmen

Sugargirl1019 · October 2014

You mentioned not being able to afford gifts or attire for all 6 men. Either way, if they are groomsmen, ushers, or readers, you have 6 men playing an important role in your ceremony and they should all receive a thank you. We had personal notes and adorable tuxedo socks with mustaches on them in our wedding color. Very inexpensive.

If it's finances causing a problem, unfortunately you need to not have ushers or readers.

slothiegal · October 2014

sam802 said:

I don't care about sides even though visually even numbers works better for me. We are limiting it to 4 per person because it's easy to get carried away and the people next to you should be your very best...not everyone. Plus I know he'll ask more people and then complain about how much he's paying on groomsmen gifts and other misc. things that our wedding party will have specially done for them or to indicate them (example being that each wedding party chair will have certain flower and tassel decortations- each one = X $)

SIB

Yes, they SHOULD be your very best---so who are his very best? We can't answer that for you/him.

photokitty · October 2014

We didn't have ushers so I can't tell you if they were offended.

I will say that unless you are having a wedding of more than 400, then 4 GM preforming the duties of usher should be sufficient. If I was asked to arrive early, possibly rent a tux and perform a job, but not be in the wedding party I would be offended.

If you were only having a best man and maid of honor and needed ushers my opinion would be different. But 4 is sufficient and I would feel left out and offended if I was one of these 2 other men.

Being a bridesmaid, groomsman or even being a reader during the wedding are all honors. Standing next to the guestbook and being an extra set of legs to seat people is not an honor. Sorry, I think they will be offended.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

sam802 said:
I don't care about sides even though visually even numbers works better for me. We are limiting it to 4 per person because it's easy to get carried away and the people next to you should be your very best...not everyone. Plus I know he'll ask more people and then complain about how much he's paying on groomsmen gifts and other misc. things that our wedding party will have specially done for them or to indicate them (example being that each wedding party chair will have certain flower and tassel decortations- each one = X $)

Fwiw, our ushers and groomsmen had the same bouts and gifts.

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

sam802 said:

I don't care about sides even though visually even numbers works better for me. We are limiting it to 4 per person because it's easy to get carried away and the people next to you should be your very best...not everyone. Plus I know he'll ask more people and then complain about how much he's paying on groomsmen gifts and other misc. things that our wedding party will have specially done for them or to indicate them (example being that each wedding party chair will have certain flower and tassel decortations- each one = X $)

Whoa. Then this is a communication and trust issue with your FI, not an issue of Gm vs usher.

And I'll say it again - if there was a clear differentiation between his closest 4 friends and 2 other dudes, it would be an easy choice. If he's having trouble drawing that line, you should let him have all 6 and then have an honest heart to heart about wedding expenses and how much of the budget is being allocated to which type of expense.

jenijoyk · October 2014

sam802 said:

I don't care about sides even though visually even numbers works better for me. We are limiting it to 4 per person because it's easy to get carried away and the people next to you should be your very best...not everyone. Plus I know he'll ask more people and then complain about how much he's paying on groomsmen gifts and other misc. things that our wedding party will have specially done for them or to indicate them (example being that each wedding party chair will have certain flower and tassel decortations- each one = X $)

????

Maybe just forgo the extremely expensive tassel decoration. (??????)

sarawifenow · October 2014

Ok so now I don't really understand what you are looking for. You asked if we thought your friends would be offended. We said yes. Then you said we weren't answering your question and started complaining about our answers.

You are going to do what you want to do. Have your FI pick who he wants and keep your fingers crossed that the other 2 are not hurt enough to end your friendship. Done and done.

ilovecake84 · October 2014

I had my 3 brothers act as man of honour and ushers. My husband had his 2 brothers as best men.

They are all equally as important to us, but I wanted my older brother to be able to sit with their wives and children during the ceremony and not have to stand at the front with my (single) brother.

So yes, you can have have ushers in addition to groomsmen. But we included them in all the photos and spent the same amount on gifts for them and their boutonnieres. So this didn't save any money...

steph861 · October 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

sam802 said:

Equal sides is one thing, but there are many other factors. Suits, Dresses, hair, make-up, shoes, jewelry, Bridesmaids and Groomsman gifts...ect. We'd love to have all our friends if we could. Weddings are expensive and helping out your party is sometimes either needed or a nice gesture to show them you appreciate them accepting your invite. But trying to buy X amount of party gifts or pay for X amount of hair and make-up adds up. That's why we are limiting ourselves

As far as attire, you just ask your BMs and he asks his GMs *privately* for their budgets. You pick the lowest budget and stay under it. Easy, done. Doesn't cost you a dime.

As far as shoes, you can just say "wear any black shoes". Easy, done. Doesn't cost you a dime.

As far as hair and makeup, the only way you need to pay for this is if you say "I want you to get this done". If you say nothing, it doesn't cost you a dime.

As far as jewelry, the only way you need to pay for this is if you say "I want you to wear xyz". If you say nothing, it doesn't cost you a dime.

As far as gifts, yes. You would be buying your WP gifts. But if you ask them to be ushers, you should be buying them a gift anyway. Same with your FG or RB, if having. Everyone in the WP should get a "thank you" gift. So this will cost you the same whether their title is "GM" or "usher".

So basically, having these two guys as ushers or GMs will make absolutely zero difference in cost. Now you're just making excuses.

Agreed

peachy13 · October 2014

I was actually at a wedding last year where it was obvious the bride wanted even sides (5 and 5 maybe), and a close friend of the groom's "didn't make the cut" and was asked to be an usher. It was pretty humiliating. He got ready with the wedding party, wore the same thing as the groomsmen, attended the rehearsal ceremony, and then was prohibited from standing next to the groom during the ceremony and being in wedding pictures.

It was unbelievably stupid and embarrassing, and all because the couple wanted even sides. Knowing this couple I'm sure it wasn't the groom's idea to ask his friend to be an usher instead of an extra groomsman, and given OP's statements it doesn't sound like it's her fiance's idea for even sides either. Just let him ask his two friends to be in the party.... NO ONE WILL CARE.

Bubblegum5586 · October 2014

We had 6 groomsmen and no ushers. The groomsmen did the ushering.. what else do groomsmen do during this time if there are ushers? Serious question.

mrsmagicgeek · October 2014

If your FH is having that much trouble deciding which four are closest, he's answering your question for you. He wants 6.

Sugargirl1019 · October 2014

bubblegum1309 said:
We had 6 groomsmen and no ushers. The groomsmen did the ushering.. what else do groomsmen do during this time if there are ushers? Serious question.

Not hiding in a room like the bride

they should be out with the groom, who should be greeting guests. The groomsmen should also be supporting the groom in any way possible during this time! If that means making sure that the brides grandmother sits in this chair down the hall to get ready for the processional so she doesn't go down the aisle beforehand by herself, then its that. Because grandmother is important to the bride, groom should care just as much, and groomsmen should help him make sure everything is in place so he doesn't freak out.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

mrsmorales2be · October 2014

I honestly don't see the problem here. I agree with every PP who said that you have zero chance of saving money by making them an usher, zero chance of losing money by making them the GM your FI obviously would like them to be, and a darn good chance of hurt feelings if you make this arbitrary cut. Everyone has politely responded to your question. There is no nice way to do this. You already know this isn't a good situation or you wouldn't be asking. Your FI knows it's not a good situation or it wouldn't be a hard decision. Is this really the hill you want to die on?

Maggie0829 · October 2014

@SaraBrideSoon - yup you are correct. H had 5 guys and I had 2 girls. The GMs served as ushers so we didn't have anyone just being an usher. Picture added below. (oh and a good friend of ours married us so he is in the picture as well.)

Personally I think wanting a certain number of people in your wedding party is just down right dumb. Think about it. If you say "I want 3 bridal party members" you are now putting yourself into a difficult predicament if you have more then 3 very close friends. Why do that to yourself? Why not say "I have 5 very close friends so I will have 5 members in my bridal party"? Doesn't that just seem easier?

And like others have pointed out, just because you make some ushers and some GMs or someone a reader and what not you still have to buy them a gift and get them a flower so you are saving zero dollars.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

lc07 · October 2014

I don't think this is real.

xx802xx · October 2014

pink revenge, your right. Some people gave great advice and some people simply said have 6 GM when the question isn't about 6GM...it's about having 2 ushers. My Fiance has technically chosen his 4 GM's. But he feels bad about not having 2 others involved and we wanted advice on if people thought they would be offended if asked to be Ushers.

Inkdancer · October 2014

That depends on how he asks, and what their relationship is like. If your FI says "hey I wanted you to be a GM but I can't have any more, so will you be an usher?" That will hurt their feelings. If he says "it would be an honor to have you as an usher at our wedding" they are more likely to be happy to do it.

KatieinBkln · October 2014

sam802 said:

pink revenge, your right. Some people gave great advice and some people simply said have 6 GM when the question isn't about 6GM...it's about having 2 ushers. My Fiance has technically chosen his 4 GM's. But he feels bad about not having 2 others involved and we wanted advice on if people thought they would be offended if asked to be Ushers.

Pretty sure most people said, "Yes, they would be offended."

Are you just waiting for someone to say, "Nope! They won't be offended! And your wedding sounds like it'll be better than everyone else's, too! Do what you want, it's your day!"? Cause we don't really say that shit around here.

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

sam802 said:

pink revenge, your right. Some people gave great advice and some people simply said have 6 GM when the question isn't about 6GM...it's about having 2 ushers. My Fiance has technically chosen his 4 GM's. But he feels bad about not having 2 others involved and we wanted advice on if people thought they would be offended if asked to be Ushers.

And we said that if he feels so bad about it, he should probably just let them be GM. Because that's the easy, logical solution to what should not be this big of a problem, even if it's not the initial question you asked. If you asked "which makes a better parachute, a garbage bag or a bed sheet?" we'd say "neither, use a damn parachute." Are we technically answering your question? No. Are we saving you from making a really bad choice? Yes.

Now, if your FI is the type of guy who buys all the cookies in the store because he doesn't want the other ones to feel bad, maybe he's not actually close with these people. Maybe then you can reassure him that it's an honor to be a guest at the wedding, and not everyone needs a special role. If they're invited as a consolation prize, yes they will be very offended. Although then he probably won't have to worry about having so many close friends anymore.

sarawifenow · October 2014

sam802 said:

pink revenge, your right. Some people gave great advice and some people simply said have 6 GM when the question isn't about 6GM...it's about having 2 ushers. My Fiance has technically chosen his 4 GM's. But he feels bad about not having 2 others involved and we wanted advice on if people thought they would be offended if asked to be Ushers.

Yes they would.

Maggie0829 · October 2014

sam802 said:

pink revenge, your right. Some people gave great advice and some people simply said have 6 GM when the question isn't about 6GM...it's about having 2 ushers. My Fiance has technically chosen his 4 GM's. But he feels bad about not having 2 others involved and we wanted advice on if people thought they would be offended if asked to be Ushers.

If all 6 guys are equally as close to your FI then yes, the 2 asked to be ushers will be confused (and possibly hurt) why they weren't also picked to be GMs. But since the number is more important then the people, then have your FI ask the 4 to be GM and the other 2 to be ushes and stop caring about whether or not you are hurting someone's feelings, because if you did care about that then the total number would not matter and he would ask all 6 to be GMs.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

sam802 said:

pink revenge, your right. Some people gave great advice and some people simply said have 6 GM when the question isn't about 6GM...it's about having 2 ushers. My Fiance has technically chosen his 4 GM's. But he feels bad about not having 2 others involved and we wanted advice on if people thought they would be offended if asked to be Ushers.

They might be offended. We don't know. But, there is a surefire way to avoid offending them ... just have 6 groomsmen and they can all usher people in, or your guests can find their own seats.

xx802xx · October 2014

I've mentioned no names about who's really helped and who hasn't. If your answer yes YES or NO they would be offended..then thanks. no need for you to get offended that I I may or may not be saying you particularly helped

sarawifenow · October 2014

sam802 said:

I've mentioned no names about who's really helped and who hasn't. If your answer yes YES or NO they would be offended..then thanks. no need for you to get offended that I I may or may not be saying you particularly helped

No one is asking who you thought helped them...

[Deleted User] · October 2014

xx802xx · October 2014

sure did, you might want to leave this post then

sarawifenow · October 2014

sam802 said:

sure did, you might want to leave this post then

Well aren't you a peach?! Sorry, you don't get to dictate who posts and how they do it.

Asking a friend to be an Usher instead of a Groomsmen

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