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Asking a friend to be an Usher instead of a Groomsmen

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Re: Asking a friend to be an Usher instead of a Groomsmen

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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Here's the thing, OP.   We had 3 ushers and 3 groomsmen.  My husband made the call of whom to include in his side of the wedding party.  He obviously had no doubts that the guys wouldn't be offended by being asked to be an usher instead of a groomsman.

    But you & your FI have a concern.  The safest thing to do would to just have 6 groomsmen.  You won't be spending any more than if you had 4 groomsmen & 2 ushers. 




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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    sam802 said:

    why did everyone think that it's about perfect matching sides just because we each said 4 was a good number?

    I don't know how close he is to them....when I think seeing them rarely and texting rarely I don't think close, but I can't say how close because they are not my friends. He wants 4 groomsmen, thats why there is the dilemma, how to maybe include all, without offending any that 4 (that he's already chosen) will be groomsmen and the other 2 either guests like everyone else or ushers

    Why does he want 4 and not 6?




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    steph861steph861 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    sam802 said:

    Ok, My new question:

    Why does everyone say "make them groomsmen" when my Fl wants 4 groomsmen? As to not leave 2 people he may have some range of closeness too, is debating making them ushers...not groomsmen.

    Because it sounds like he considers all of them close enough to be groomsmen. If that's not the case, and he really feels like he's closer to the four that he's already chosen as groomsmen, then go ahead and ask the other two to be ushers. 

    We don't know what his relationship with them is, and we don't know if they'll be offended. All we're saying is that there's a chance they'll be offended, and that it can be avoided by giving everybody the same title.

    Either ask the other two if they would like to be ushers (without mentioning anything about wishing there was enough room for them to be groomsmen) and accept the consequences if they're offended, or change your original plans and make all six of them groomsmen.

    ETA: Or make them both guests. That's a legitimate option. 
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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    sam802 said:
    lolo, that's my concern. Are they F*ucking guests or make them feel sotra part of the party...but not.
    IMO, it's worse to feel like sort of the party but not. We had a friend, H's step-dad, and H's 9 year old nephew as our ushers. They were not people who would have expected to be groomsmen, and the groomsmen did not perform ushering duties alongside them. They were happy to have the job and feel helpful (especially the 9 year old, holy cow) but NOT because it was a consolation prize, because it wasn't. They didn't pose in wedding party pictures because they weren't part of the WP. If we didn't think we needed/wanted ushers, we wouldn't have had ushers. 

    There is no shame in being a guest. I would personally be more offended if my best friend asked me to be an honorary bridesmaid or program attendant or guest book attendant than if she just had a small WP and I was invited as a guest.

    This should really be an easy decision. I have 3 sisters and 2 best friends, H has 2 brothers and 3 best friends, it made it a no-brainer to each have 5 people stand up for us. But if my brother was still in the picture or H's other sister was still alive or either of us had another best friend or two, the sides would have been uneven and we would have tweaked the budget as necessary to allow our nearest and dearest to stand beside us as we said our vows.
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    mrsmorales2bemrsmorales2be mod
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    It sounds like you're trying to use your perception of the "closeness" of his relationship with his friends to justify making this decision.  How many phone calls/texts/whatever makes one close?

    I have family and friends that I don't talk to nearly as often as I'd like.  Does it mean I'm any less close to them?  Of course not.  Why are you so opposed to including his other two friends as GM?  Why are you so locked into having 4?

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    xx802xxxx802xx member
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    Simply said I don't know how close. It doesn't seem close to me, but I can't judge that like mentioned before. 4 was just the number we picked. Didn't matter if one had 3 and one had 4 in the end. But from everyone's response's more people say they would be offended as an usher then not. So since he doesn't another groomsmen and asking them to be an usher would insult more of you then not then he should probably just have the other 2 people that were second choices just be guests

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    mrsmorales2bemrsmorales2be mod
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    So you would seriously leave them out of the wedding party all together because you have to have this magic number of 4, and it has to be ushers or nothing?  Seriously? 


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    xx802xxxx802xx member
    First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    and by second choice i'm not trying to be rude, but they were not included in the first 4 he thought of and asked.

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    hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    sam802 said:

    Ok, My new question:

    Why does everyone say "make them groomsmen" when my Fl wants 4 groomsmen? As to not leave 2 people he may have some range of closeness too, is debating making them ushers...not groomsmen.

    Okay, I've been reading this. For real question:

    Were his 4 groomsmen BOOM GROOMSMEN NO QUESTION, and these other two men are more outliers that he never considered making groomsmen ever? Or are they all equal friends, and he's choosing which two to make ushers? Because frankly, the answer to that question changes my answer drastically.

    You can hit "quote" (between love it and report) to respond to a specific person (and hopefully get a little grey box if TK loves you!); I don't know if you've been doing that because I don't remember because I'm so damn dizzy.
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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    sam802 said:

    Simply said I don't know how close. It doesn't seem close to me, but I can't judge that like mentioned before. 4 was just the number we picked. Didn't matter if one had 3 and one had 4 in the end. But from everyone's response's more people say they would be offended as an usher then not. So since he doesn't another groomsmen and asking them to be an usher would insult more of you then not then he should probably just have the other 2 people that were second choices just be guests

    Ugh, yeah, this is exactly what they should not feel/find out about. But are they only second choices because of the arbitrary 4 slot maximum? You are not casting a fucking play here. There are no understudies. If he would have asked these two if the number 4 had not been chosen (is your wedding on Sesame Street? Brought to you by the number FOUR?) then he needs to buck up and say, "Oh, actually, I want 6 groomsmen."

    For the record, H did have a Best Man, four groomsmen, and two ushers. But the ushers were guys he usually only hung out with when part of a larger group.
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    princessofgenoviaprincessofgenovia member
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    lolo883 said:
    Liatris2010 said:

    sam802 said:

    Ok, My new question:

    Why does everyone say "make them groomsmen" when my Fl wants 4 groomsmen? As to not leave 2 people he may have some range of closeness too, is debating making them ushers...not groomsmen.

    Your FI has it backwards. You don't decide on a number of groomsmen and then choose who will be included. You decide who you want to be your groomsmen, you count them, and then say, "Oh! I have # groomsmen".

    Choose first, count second.
    At this point I'm not even buying that he "wants" 4 groomsmen. I think he has the idea that he's supposed to have 4 groomsmen because you have 4 bridespeople. False. Tell him he can have 6 and see if he says "oh great, that works!" or "shit, I didn't really want to pick them."
    That sounds logical and resonaiable. I'm sure the OP has many reasons why that can't possibly happen. Most because of 4, 4, 4, 4.
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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    sam802 said:
    and by second choice i'm not trying to be rude, but they were not included in the first 4 he thought of and asked.
    When did he ask them? If he asked them a month ago and word has gotten around that they're already groomsmen, it would be rude at this point to ask the other guys to do anything. They've figured out that they're not the A squad. They'll know that being an usher is a consolation prize. They might already hate your FI for it. The damage is done.
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    chibiyuichibiyui member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Is there a reason having them as readers isn't an option?
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    steph861steph861 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    princessofgenovia said:
    How picking a wedding party this complicated? FI is picking his friends, I'm gonna pick my friends, the only issue will be if we have overlapping friends we've both picked at which point clearly we will dual each other for the honor of who gets the friend.

    He can have 4. Or 6. Or 42 if he really wants too. Why is 4 such a magical number? Why did you both decide on 4 as a limit? That seems very arbitrary. 

    These are his friends on his side so frankly my dear you don't get to weigh in. In less one of them is shooting up during the rehearsal dinner, or grabs your ass at the engagement party, you need to just live with it. 

    If he (he not you, nothing about you, all about him) has 2 friends he really would like to be groomsmen but for some reason has the number 4 stuck in his head tell him "If you want those two to be groomsmen that's not a problem, you can have 6" and see what happens. If he doesn't want them as groomsmen but still wants them involved, then fine ushers (but not a second place thing), or just invite them to the wedding and have them be guests. 

    I know, I'm not playing by your rules saying yes or no. I don't care. I like to break rules. 
    I really do think this is your best option, OP.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited October 2014
    Look, OP, at this point have your FI have all 6 guys or because you MUST HAVE 4 PEOPLE PER SIDE OR THE WORLD WILL IMPLODE, then have him pick 4 and make the other 2 ushers.  Or pick 4 and then have the other 2 as guests.

    Just make a fucking decision because you obviously aren't listening to anything anyone is saying because all you can focus on is the NUMBER FOUR!



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    princessofgenoviaprincessofgenovia member
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    kat1114 said:
    You should just take all 6 guys, drop them into a Hunger Games type contest, and the 4 that survive get to be the GMs. It's no more ridiculous and arbitrary than saying you can only have 4 GMs, and it comes with the added bonus of entertainment.
    Forget everything I said. Go with this plan.
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    xx802xxxx802xx member
    First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    We could have 6, 10, 200...but we chose 4 as to not get carried away (also mentioned pages ago). If we started picking more, sooner or later we're picking friends and not best friends because they are almost as close as this person and almost as close as that person. I hate hurting peoples feeling, so I don't want to and if not including 2 people as ushers is less painful then asking them to be ushers, then that's what might be best. Especially since one would care, the other wouldn't...but the two in question are themselves best friends.

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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited October 2014
    Grrr I am so mad I want to embed a video and it shows up perfectly fine in the post box but when I press save it disappears!!!!  So this picture will have to do instead...

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    lc07lc07 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    sarahbear31 said:
    sam802 said:
    lolo, that's my concern. Are they F*ucking guests or make them feel sotra part of the party...but not.

    sam802 said:
    sara, 2 pages ago I said it's not about even sides.
    then what's it about?


    sam802 said:
    It seems since most of you say groomsman, that the answer would be guest because usher isn't good enough.

    Tassels and CHAIR FLOWERS. DUH.
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    gladyscfgladyscf member
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    My head hurts.
    *msstaticfancypants*
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    princessofgenoviaprincessofgenovia member
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    sam802 said:
    We could have 6, 10, 200...but we chose 4 as to not get carried away (also mentioned pages ago). If we started picking more, sooner or later we're picking friends and not best friends because they are almost as close as this person and almost as close as that person. I hate hurting peoples feeling, so I don't want to and if not including 2 people as ushers is less painful then asking them to be ushers, then that's what might be best. Especially since one would care, the other wouldn't...but the two in question are themselves best friends.
    Did you not see the PP that said pick the people not a number? Figure out who your hide a body people are, ask them, count the ones that say yes, boom that's your number.

    I mean FI and I said "lets try to stay clear of double digits" but if he comes up with 11 people he adores I'm not gonna say "no, 9 is the limit" he can have his 11.
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    hellohkbhellohkb mod
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    slothiegal said:

    OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS THREAD.


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    I'M NOT EVEN ENTIRELY SURE WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS PICTURE, BUT IT ILLUSTRATES HOW I FEEL.
    I've been staring at this picture in awe for a full 5 minutes. I have no idea what's going on in the picture.

    And I really have no idea what's going on in this thread. It's a huge runaround.


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    mrsmorales2bemrsmorales2be mod
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    So go do what you've already made up your mind to do, since you're determined not to hear any other suggestions.

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    hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited October 2014
    sam802 said:
    We could have 6, 10, 200...but we chose 4 as to not get carried away (also mentioned pages ago). If we started picking more, sooner or later we're picking friends and not best friends because they are almost as close as this person and almost as close as that person. I hate hurting peoples feeling, so I don't want to and if not including 2 people as ushers is less painful then asking them to be ushers, then that's what might be best. Especially since one would care, the other wouldn't...but the two in question are themselves best friends.
    Hit quote. Srsly. 

    Pick your best friends, and draw the line that way. There is no real reason for even sides, or for picking "friends" after you hit your 1, 4, or 10 best friends.

    Also, answer my question. Did he KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the four groomsmen were gonna be groomsmen, and he's trying to figure out what to do with the two outliers, or is he having to choose four of his best friends? My yes-or-no answer depends HEAVILY on that response.

    ETA Does this mean they're best friends with each other, or they're some of your FI's best friends? Again - factors into my simple yes-or-no.
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