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Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

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Re: Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

  • AuroraRose41AuroraRose41 New York member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    OP- you mentioned in your first post that you are pledging a sorority. You will make new friends through that. There is no reason to rationalize staying with someone who is controlling just because you will lose friends that you have. You should be able to go out with your new sisters and have fun and not worry about your SO calling you and getting jealous if you so much as talk to another guy. Also, greek relations is a huge part of being in a sorority. How is your SO going to react when you go to mixers with fraternities? 

    BTW, I'm 23. Really not much older than you, and I was in a very similar relationship through high school and at the beginning of college. He was never physically abusive, but he was controlling in the same way that your SO is. And it only got worse, to the point where he tried to dictate who could and could not be friends with me. He even tried to tell one of my best friends that she could no longer see me because she was a bad influence for getting drunk once at 18 at a sleepover with women only (i.e. not using a fake ID to get into a bar or anything)....she was also the one that introduced us!  

    The ladies here are trying to tell you to run, because many of us have been in similar situations. Things ONLY got better when we ended it. 

    bellaluna290
  • Our brother frat consists of 6guys, 5 are taken, the 6th has a beard longer than my own hair. Like I said- small school, interesting dating pool.
  • AuroraRose41AuroraRose41 New York member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Our brother frat consists of 6guys, 5 are taken, the 6th has a beard longer than my own hair. Like I said- small school, interesting dating pool.
    Yes, but I'm guessing there are more than one fraternity at your college. I went to a small school in the middle of nowhere too. And it was known for its engineering program. Also a very interesting dating pool. 

    There were 11 fraternities. My sorority had mixers with ALL of them, even though we also had a brother fraternity. I highly doubt yours would only mix with one. 

    And I met my current SO there, so limited dating pool or not, you never know what might happen. 

  • A good part of my life is centered around my relationship. Having the husband, house and kids is really all that I'm certain that I want in life. The rest is a big ?. So, yes, I do focus on that, because that's all I'm 100% sure I want for my future.
  • I haven't the slightest clue where my degree will take me or where I wanna go when I leave pa.
  • edited June 2015
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    OP, I think you know what you need to do. Honestly, what's the worse that would happen? You would feel lonely for awhile and it will suck ass, but in the end you will be so much happier.

     image

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  • levioosa said:
    Our brother frat consists of 6guys, 5 are taken, the 6th has a beard longer than my own hair. Like I said- small school, interesting dating pool.
    Omg, stop focusing on the guys in your college/immediate area.  You don't have to date ANYONE.  You can go anywhere you want after college.  There's no stipulation that you must marry a man from the college you attend when you send in your tuition.  
    Yea, this. 

    I met my now DH after college. My college girlfriend and I moved to the same city after graduation and we were out for her birthday. She invited a group of guys she knew from wherever. DH was one of them. And he is the shit. Objectively, of course. :)

    My point is that even if you don't like the dudes at your school, it's not like they're the only fish in the sea. Come on.... broaden your horizons. It's obvious you want to.
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    doeydo
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    A good part of my life is centered around my relationship. Having the husband, house and kids is really all that I'm certain that I want in life. The rest is a big ?. So, yes, I do focus on that, because that's all I'm 100% sure I want for my future.
    Do you really want all of that with the guy you're with now? There's nothing wrong with wanting that and being sure of it. But don't settle. Trust me - you'll be miserable. 
    doeydo
  • A good part of my life is centered around my relationship. Having the husband, house and kids is really all that I'm certain that I want in life. The rest is a big ?. So, yes, I do focus on that, because that's all I'm 100% sure I want for my future.

    I get that having a husband and a family is important to you, but what we're trying to get across is that you can marry anyone in the whole world! If you start a family a few years further down the road, that's ok. 

    And it's definitely ok that you don't have everything figured out. You're 21 and you've got at least a year of school ahead of you, so you have time. 

    I'm concerned that you are settling for an ok life when you should have a great one!
    AuroraRose41doeydo
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    Go with me here for a minute, OP.

     

    Picture this:

    It is 10 years from now. You are sitting in your backyard of your dream home on a sunny summer day. Your kids are running around the back yard, playing. You are having friends over for a bbq so your husband is setting up the grill and comes over and gives you a kiss.

     

    Who did you picture in that scenario as your husband? Was it your FI, is that man interchangeable in this scenario to you? Is he a mystery man?

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The fact that you went from engaged, ending a relationship, meeting another guy, and engaged to the new guy in just over a year at a young age is a huge red flag, IMHO.  

    There's nothing wrong with having multiple engagements, but it sounds like you jumped right from one super committed relationship into another.  What's wrong with being single for a little bit?  I suspect this has something to do with the paranoia from your family.
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    beethery said:
    I'm getting frustrated with the excuses. Your college situation, whether or not the dudes at your school are fuckable, your picket fence vision of the future are not reasons to stay in a relationship with an asshole.

    Ditto, beeth, ditto.
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  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm getting the feeling that this whole thread is going to be pointless.  


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    sarawifenownovella1186AddieCakeKauris
  • Simky906Simky906 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    A good part of my life is centered around my relationship. Having the husband, house and kids is really all that I'm certain that I want in life. The rest is a big ?. So, yes, I do focus on that, because that's all I'm 100% sure I want for my future.
    It's okay to want those things! My goodness, you're on a wedding forum; there are plenty of us who want those exact same things! 

    But @southernbelle0915 is a wise woman to point out that it isn't The Things that matter, it's the Who You Do the Things With that matters. It can be a huge cognitive dissonance to think about losing out on The Things in the event that your Who is disappointing you, but the one way to keep yourself clear in a world full of question marks is to focus on whether your Who is the right person to build your life with. 

    You're the only one who can make that judgment call, but I think the reason you're seeing people react with alarm is because you aren't coming back with: "Oh my god, I gave the complete wrong impression; I was just venting about a few annoying phone calls but overall he is so wonderful and I feel safe next to him and he's been a huge support to me in my education and he treats me with kindness and as an intellectual equal." Instead you're coming back with: "But rent and leases. But school. But letting down friends/proving family right. But my tiny rural dating pool."

    Do you see the difference here? The difference is clinging to a dream rather than holding onto a person who can be your partner in achieving that dream. Your replies aren't garnering a lot of confidence that you feel like your Fi is that partner.

    @KatieinBkln‌ is wise. Seriously think about her post OP. I get it. You want the husband and kids and there's this nice guy who wants to marry you. And it's soo tempting to go down this path because it's an easy path to your dreams. But the easy path is not always the right one.
  • AuroraRose41AuroraRose41 New York member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    I haven't the slightest clue where my degree will take me or where I wanna go when I leave pa.
    Also, that's okay too. You shouldn't have all of the answers right now. But why would you want to trap yourself in a relationship like this and possibly give up an awesome job opportunity in another area to be with a man who doesn't respect you? 

    I have seen this happen, where a friend gave up a great job opportunity because she wanted to stay in the area near her BF, despite not having any good job prospects for her in that area. You could possibly be throwing everything away for this one guy, and we are all trying to help you not do that.  

    ETF: spelling

    Also ETA: That friend now has broken up with the guy, and is working a retail job not related at all to her degree because she is having trouble finding a job in her field. 

    chibiyui
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