Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

Simky906 · October 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

It starts with figuring out what YOU want! That is step one.

Writing things down always helps me, but I know everyone is different there.

Then you have a conversation with him and explain you feelings. Try to use 'I feel' statements as much as possible. For example "I feel not trusted when you check in on me." rather than "You're always checking in on me and it drives me nuts." The second can come off as accusatory and doesn't always make for the most productive conversations.

ETA: Just saw the next post you made and wanted to add that feeling guilty about hurting someone is not a good reason to stay. There will be hurt feelings, but the longer you stay, the more hurt there will be.

bethsmiles · October 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

You absolutely can do that. Better to break off an engagement when you know the relationship isn't working than to get married and end up divorced. So you start by handing him the ring back, finding your own place and moving out and focusing on school. Or if you really don't want to end the relationship you need to be in counseling because his controlling behavior is not okay.

KatieinBkln · October 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

I just think about how I'd feel if he had done it to me. It's really overwhelming.

You are a kind person to put yourself in his shoes.

And if you break off the engagement, will it suck for him? Of course. He will be hurt. You'll be hurting too. It isn't a thing that will be easy, but the truth is, you can't save him from feeling bad, about this or about anything else.

I am curious to know whether you've broached this subject with HIM at all. Does he know how you feel? Do you think there's a relationship to salvage if you were to bring it up, or does it feel like you wouldn't want to stay even if he tried to change? These are the questions we can't answer for you, but you should definitely be confronting them for yourself.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

Just say

"Mickey Mouse, we've been through a lot together. And I want things to work out between us. Things have changed since April and I think it would be best for us to take a breather, date other people, explore what we each want in life, and then decide if we should pick things back up."

sarawifenow · October 2014

holyguacamole79 said:

mrsamandalynn said:

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

Just say

"Mickey Mouse, we've been through a lot together. And I want things to work out between us. Things have changed since April and I think it would be best for us to take a breather, date other people, explore what we each want in life, and then decide if we should pick things back up."

I like this wording.

levioosa · October 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

I just think about how I'd feel if he had done it to me. It's really overwhelming.

Is it overwhelming? Yes. Is it the right thing to do? You know it is.

He's a big boy. He can handle himself. Take care of you first.

mrsamandalynn · October 2014

holyguacamole79 said:

mrsamandalynn said:

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

Just say

"Mickey Mouse, we've been through a lot together. And I want things to work out between us. Things have changed since April and I think it would be best for us to take a breather, date other people, explore what we each want in life, and then decide if we should pick things back up."

Believe it or not I actually tried to have one of these conversations this past summer. It didn't go well. That's when I was given the ultimatum of all or nothing. He refuses to "take a break". The break idea is what I ideally wanted, no closed doors so to speak. That leaves open tons of possibilities.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

mrsamandalynn said:

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

Just say

"Mickey Mouse, we've been through a lot together. And I want things to work out between us. Things have changed since April and I think it would be best for us to take a breather, date other people, explore what we each want in life, and then decide if we should pick things back up."
Believe it or not I actually tried to have one of these conversations this past summer. It didn't go well. That's when I was given the ultimatum of all or nothing. He refuses to "take a break". The break idea is what I ideally wanted, no closed doors so to speak. That leaves open tons of possibilities.

If your choices are all or nothing, I would take nothing.

Ironically, by taking nothing, you gain all.

I'm trying to sound wise and philosophical. Is it working?

VulgarGirl · October 2014

holyguacamole79 said:

mrsamandalynn said:

mrsamandalynn said:

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

Just say

"Mickey Mouse, we've been through a lot together. And I want things to work out between us. Things have changed since April and I think it would be best for us to take a breather, date other people, explore what we each want in life, and then decide if we should pick things back up."
Believe it or not I actually tried to have one of these conversations this past summer. It didn't go well. That's when I was given the ultimatum of all or nothing. He refuses to "take a break". The break idea is what I ideally wanted, no closed doors so to speak. That leaves open tons of possibilities.

If your choices are all or nothing, I would take nothing.

Ironically, by taking nothing, you gain all.

I'm trying to sound wise and philosophical. Is it working?

Yes! But I'm drunk now. Tequila!

levioosa · October 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

mrsamandalynn said:

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

Just say

"Mickey Mouse, we've been through a lot together. And I want things to work out between us. Things have changed since April and I think it would be best for us to take a breather, date other people, explore what we each want in life, and then decide if we should pick things back up."
Believe it or not I actually tried to have one of these conversations this past summer. It didn't go well. That's when I was given the ultimatum of all or nothing. He refuses to "take a break". The break idea is what I ideally wanted, no closed doors so to speak. That leaves open tons of possibilities.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

MagicInk said:

holyguacamole79 said:

mrsamandalynn said:

mrsamandalynn said:

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

Just say

"Mickey Mouse, we've been through a lot together. And I want things to work out between us. Things have changed since April and I think it would be best for us to take a breather, date other people, explore what we each want in life, and then decide if we should pick things back up."
Believe it or not I actually tried to have one of these conversations this past summer. It didn't go well. That's when I was given the ultimatum of all or nothing. He refuses to "take a break". The break idea is what I ideally wanted, no closed doors so to speak. That leaves open tons of possibilities.

If your choices are all or nothing, I would take nothing.

Ironically, by taking nothing, you gain all.

I'm trying to sound wise and philosophical. Is it working?

Yes! But I'm drunk now. Tequila!

I started on wine about an hour ago. Raising a glass to you and your FI (last day we can call her that). CHEERS!!! Have a KICKASS wedding weekend!

lyndausvi · October 2014

A controlling type person are often not ones to take a break.

the fact you already told him you want a break could be the reason why he is getting worse in the control issue. Someone who is insecure to begin with is always going to wonder if you are looking for a replacement. Why would he not think that way, you have already expressed that is your wishes?

I do not see this ending well.

mrsamandalynn · October 2014

I can't go home, my stepfather and I have issues. I just transferred colleges so my list of friends that I can "call on" without dropping this semester consist of my best friend who transferred with me, but she lives with her SO. It took 2mo to find my current place. It's not uncommon to pay $900+utilities around here for a studio apt. I absolutely CANNOT afford that.

levioosa · October 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

I can't go home, my stepfather and I have issues. I just transferred colleges so my list of friends that I can "call on" without dropping this semester consist of my best friend who transferred with me, but she lives with her SO. It took 2mo to find my current place. It's not uncommon to pay $900+utilities around here for a studio apt. I absolutely CANNOT afford that.

Still excuses. I guarantee you if my best friend wanted out of a bad relationship I would be okay with her crashing with me for a month or so until she got it together. Find roommates. Use your sorority sisters to make connections with other people who need/want a roommate.

mrsamandalynn · October 2014

I'm just starting to breach the topic of what's going on. She's not happy. Her SO doesn't own the place, his roommate does. It's not their decision to make.

MyNameIsNot · October 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

I can't go home, my stepfather and I have issues. I just transferred colleges so my list of friends that I can "call on" without dropping this semester consist of my best friend who transferred with me, but she lives with her SO. It took 2mo to find my current place. It's not uncommon to pay $900+utilities around here for a studio apt. I absolutely CANNOT afford that.

Then get on craigslist and start looking for a roommate.

Are you at a university or college? Is there campus housing? At the very least, you should be able to move in January. How about student housing options off campus? Is there a school paper/classified section?

Sure, living in a dorm isn't the most fun in the world, but it's better than debt or staying in a bad relationship.

penguin44 · October 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

I can't go home, my stepfather and I have issues. I just transferred colleges so my list of friends that I can "call on" without dropping this semester consist of my best friend who transferred with me, but she lives with her SO. It took 2mo to find my current place. It's not uncommon to pay $900+utilities around here for a studio apt. I absolutely CANNOT afford that.

You could live with your best friend or in your sorority. I doubt your best friend would turn you down while you find a place and a roommate.

I didn't live with "friends" in college. I had roommates and sorority sisters.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

mrsamandalynn said:
I can't go home, my stepfather and I have issues. I just transferred colleges so my list of friends that I can "call on" without dropping this semester consist of my best friend who transferred with me, but she lives with her SO. It took 2mo to find my current place. It's not uncommon to pay $900+utilities around here for a studio apt. I absolutely CANNOT afford that.

OP, you can make it happen. These are not reasons to stay with a guy.

jdluvr06 · October 2014

levioosa said:

mrsamandalynn said:

holyguacamole79 said:

mrsamandalynn said:

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

Just say

"Mickey Mouse, we've been through a lot together. And I want things to work out between us. Things have changed since April and I think it would be best for us to take a breather, date other people, explore what we each want in life, and then decide if we should pick things back up."
Believe it or not I actually tried to have one of these conversations this past summer. It didn't go well. That's when I was given the ultimatum of all or nothing. He refuses to "take a break". The break idea is what I ideally wanted, no closed doors so to speak. That leaves open tons of possibilities.

So I have no advice the other PPs haven't already offered and worded better than I would have. I'm only joining the conversation to ask if this picture makes anyone else want to sing Les Miserables songs? Or is that just me?

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

That's a good start! Start with that!

STARMOON44 · November 2014

I'm confused. Because when I was on college I paid for housing with student loans instead of letting my controlling fiancé do that. Are those not an option? Can you go to the financial aid office and ask? Get a job? Put an ad on a bulletin board at school that you're looking for housing? Most college students have figured out a way to live without having someone else pay their expenses.

JCbride2015 · November 2014

I've been lurking this thread but didn't have time to respond now. Hi OP! You are getting great advice here.

Just that you are thinking about "where to start" and how to get out, and where will you live, are all really good signs. I think you know what you have to do, and you need to have a plan. Honestly at this point I'd call it a safety plan, because your Fi sounds borderline abusive.

Would you be able to stay with your best friend even for a week or so while you find something else?

Do you have other friends who aren't your "best" friend? What about your new sorority sisters? Is there a professor you trust? I'll tell you that if any of my school acquaintances, even if I had never really hung out with them socially before, came to me and said she was in a scary relationship and needed to get out-- she could have my couch for at least a week.

What about student housing at your college? This is probably the best option. If you go to your student housing office and tell them you think you are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out, I'm sure they will find space for you.

If student housing is not an option for some reason, start looking on Craigslist. If it's a college town, even a small one, there are people looking for roommates.

Do you have any money saved up OR access to a credit card? Absolute worst case scenario, you can stay in a cheap hotel on a credit card for a little while if it becomes a safety issue.

hellosweetie1015 · November 2014

I've been thinking about this thread all afternoon, and OP - I'm going to give you an option it seems no one is really considering any more.

Don't give the ring back.

Before everyone jumps down my throat - hear me out.

He really, truly sounds controlling and that is YES a huge red flag. BUT this is something that hit me while I was handing out candy - and coming back to see her timeline has reaffirmed it to me: This behavior isn't something he's been doing the whole time, it's developed RECENTLY. Which says something, at least to me. It started when he came back from deployment, right? It's NOT been a blatant part of his personality this whole time. So - that says perhaps something else is going on. At least, to me that's what it says.

OP, talk to your school's medical center. Find out about what counseling services may be available to you. Can he avail himself to counseling services through the military? I really, truly think that since this has developed recently it doesn't have to be the end. Red flag? YES. 100%. HUGE red flag. BUT it's new. Major changes like this can be a sign of something going on psychologically that maybe should at least get a chance to work itself out before she walks.

IF it doesn't change after some counseling, or if he says he won't try counseling, THEN you think about walking. But it doesn't have to be the end if you don't want it to be.

LabLove86 · November 2014

hellosweetie1015 said:

I've been thinking about this thread all afternoon, and OP - I'm going to give you an option it seems no one is really considering any more.

Don't give the ring back.

Before everyone jumps down my throat - hear me out.

He really, truly sounds controlling and that is YES a huge red flag. BUT this is something that hit me while I was handing out candy - and coming back to see her timeline has reaffirmed it to me: This behavior isn't something he's been doing the whole time, it's developed RECENTLY. Which says something, at least to me. It started when he came back from deployment, right? It's NOT been a blatant part of his personality this whole time. So - that says perhaps something else is going on. At least, to me that's what it says.

OP, talk to your school's medical center. Find out about what counseling services may be available to you. Can he avail himself to counseling services through the military? I really, truly think that since this has developed recently it doesn't have to be the end. Red flag? YES. 100%. HUGE red flag. BUT it's new. Major changes like this can be a sign of something going on psychologically that maybe should at least get a chance to work itself out before she walks.

IF it doesn't change after some counseling, or if he says he won't try counseling, THEN you think about walking. But it doesn't have to be the end if you don't want it to be.

I agree with the timeline as I thought about it too. It sounds like the behaviors OP was mentioning started about a month or so after his return from his last deployment/training/whatever it was that he was gone for. So maybe it is in some way shape or form related to that??

I still think that a lot of the other posts sound like you would like to be out of the relationship but are making excuses to stay in - however - if you would like to try then I think the counseling idea is excellent. As long as you are both willing to put in 100% and try to make a real effort to work towards a healthy relationship.

mrsamandalynn · November 2014

I was trying to get onto campus housing before I moved in with him. At this point they're doing forced triples and won't have any available until January and even then, that's still a big what if scenario. I sent an email out to the student wellness center or whatever the hell they call it to see what they offer.

JCbride2015 · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:
I was trying to get onto campus housing before I moved in with him. At this point they're doing forced triples and won't have any available until January and even then, that's still a big what if scenario. I sent an email out to the student wellness center or whatever the hell they call it to see what they offer.

Good for you! Don't be shy about telling them you think your relationship is potentially going to an abusive place and you need somewhere safe to stay.

doeydo · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

Here's the timeline- 2011-Sept2013- life is fine and dandy Sept'13-Dec'13- away with military very little to no communication 2weeks Christmas leave- happy & proposal Jan14-March14- away, slightly more commutation though April'14-Now- slow decline, he's become more concerned in where I'm at and what I'm doings. I don't think he realized what my daily lifestyle entailed until we lived together. He didn't always realize that I was out late because he wasn't waiting at home alone for me.

So you two got engaged, he was away at and now he is back and things have gone downhill from there due to him being so controlling, etc. Perhaps him "all of a sudden" being so controlling and stuff doesn't have to do with adjusting from coming back from deployment, but actually he feels like he has you locked down now that you have a ring on your finger, so he can now show his true colours. My mom's first marriage was to a man who treated her nicely through their dating and short engagement. Once they got married, she says it was like he was a completely different person. FTR, he cheated on her and abused her dog so she had to give the dog away and her rabbit "went missing" while she was out (he knew what happened to him but wouldn't tell her where he was). Anyways, the point I am trying to make is maybe because you two are living together and engaged now, he might feel like he can be an asshole all he wants.

beethery · November 2014

doeydo said:

mrsamandalynn said:

Here's the timeline- 2011-Sept2013- life is fine and dandy Sept'13-Dec'13- away with military very little to no communication 2weeks Christmas leave- happy & proposal Jan14-March14- away, slightly more commutation though April'14-Now- slow decline, he's become more concerned in where I'm at and what I'm doings. I don't think he realized what my daily lifestyle entailed until we lived together. He didn't always realize that I was out late because he wasn't waiting at home alone for me.

So you two got engaged, he was away at and now he is back and things have gone downhill from there due to him being so controlling, etc. Perhaps him "all of a sudden" being so controlling and stuff doesn't have to do with adjusting from coming back from deployment, but actually he feels like he has you locked down now that you have a ring on your finger, so he can now show his true colours. My mom's first marriage was to a man who treated her nicely through their dating and short engagement. Once they got married, she says it was like he was a completely different person. FTR, he cheated on her and abused her dog so she had to give the dog away and her rabbit "went missing" while she was out (he knew what happened to him but wouldn't tell her where he was). Anyways, the point I am trying to make is maybe because you two are living together and engaged now, he might feel like he can be an asshole all he wants.

He's been controlling since day 1 and only half got the message when she met his dad and told her FI that she can't tolerate being treated that way.

It just got worse with PTSD and when his friend's GF/Wife whatever cheated on his buddy and divorced him or something.

Nothing says love like projecting your anger at your friend's girl all over your fiancee!

LadyMillil · November 2014

JCbride2015 said:

I was trying to get onto campus housing before I moved in with him. At this point they're doing forced triples and won't have any available until January and even then, that's still a big what if scenario. I sent an email out to the student wellness center or whatever the hell they call it to see what they offer.
Good for you! Don't be shy about telling them you think your relationship is potentially going to an abusive place and you need somewhere safe to stay.

My university did forced triples and quads. It sucked but it was freedom (finally out of my parents' house in my case) and only temporary. It gave me a chance to work out finances and other living on my own stuff, and I met a couple of girls in housing that became my roommates for an off campus apartment for the next semester.

jenna8984 · November 2014

I was busy yesterday and didn't get a chance to read all of this until now.

I just want to throw this out there OP- I was in your exact position at 21 years old. I couldn't meet classmates to work on a school project or have a classmate call my cell phone because he accused me of cheating. I couldn't go out with my friends because we were "picking up guys". I couldn't hang out with childhood friends because "I wanted them". My entire life was walking on eggshells.

Cut to 8 years later. I'm married to an amazing man I met a few years ago. Last night I told him that I was stopping by a friend's Halloween party after work and that I'd be home around 8pm. Well we ended up playing a game at the party that was so much fun I stayed until 11pm. You know what he said when I got home? "Cool, sounds like it was fun, I love you".

So when you look at this awesome married/ house/ baby/ kids life that you want....which scenario here do would you rather choose for yourself? The first one or the second one? Because I think it's pretty clear which one you're in and it's not the right answer.

Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

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