Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

mrsamandalynn · November 2014

What freaks me out is that I did have that. I was ecstatic. I was walking around grinning ear to ear showing everyone my ring and telling them our entire story. I love the man who proposed to me. I'm friends with him now. I just don't understand how this all went downhill so quickly. I have this sinking feeling that this could just keep happening, so why not try and fix it this time, instead of fixing the next one.

climbingsingle · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

What freaks me out is that I did have that. I was ecstatic. I was walking around grinning ear to ear showing everyone my ring and telling them our entire story. I love the man who proposed to me. I'm friends with him now. I just don't understand how this all went downhill so quickly. I have this sinking feeling that this could just keep happening, so why not try and fix it this time, instead of fixing the next one.

Are you in love with him?

lacqueredlover · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

What freaks me out is that I did have that. I was ecstatic. I was walking around grinning ear to ear showing everyone my ring and telling them our entire story. I love the man who proposed to me. I'm friends with him now. I just don't understand how this all went downhill so quickly. I have this sinking feeling that this could just keep happening, so why not try and fix it this time, instead of fixing the next one.

The fact that you're already planning on this being an ongoing issue is very concerning.

Yes, by all means, try to fix it now. Go to couples counseling, really figure out what it is you want from him and if he really will try to be controlling. However prepare yourself for the reality that this could be his true colors coming out. Let's say he's unwilling to change, compromise, or does change for a bit to pacify you and then goes back to this behavior. Are you willing to deal with that? What's your deal breaker? What's your bottom line? What do YOU want?

bethsmiles · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

What freaks me out is that I did have that. I was ecstatic. I was walking around grinning ear to ear showing everyone my ring and telling them our entire story. I love the man who proposed to me. I'm friends with him now. I just don't understand how this all went downhill so quickly. I have this sinking feeling that this could just keep happening, so why not try and fix it this time, instead of fixing the next one.

Because that doesn't normally happen with engagements. I doubt any of the women here are going to say "Oh yeah, after we got engaged it all went downhill and now we're more of just friends but he also is really controlling of me and that sucks but I guess I'll still marry him because dating is hard."

You really have two choices. You can dump him (the option I think you should take) or you need to get into couples counseling like yesterday, you absolutely should not get married before resolving these issues, getting married will not fix anything.

esstee33 · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

What freaks me out is that I did have that. I was ecstatic. I was walking around grinning ear to ear showing everyone my ring and telling them our entire story. I love the man who proposed to me. I'm friends with him now. I just don't understand how this all went downhill so quickly. I have this sinking feeling that this could just keep happening, so why not try and fix it this time, instead of fixing the next one.

It's always possible to fall out of love with someone. It's not even surprising that your feelings toward him have changed since he's become this new, controlling, different person.

Don't marry the guy hoping he's going to go back to how he was. This is a major shift. It's totally OK for you to take a step back and be like "You know, I was in love with him before, but I don't like the person he's become."

And please don't assume that you're going to have to "fix the next one." When you find the right guy, you won't need to fix him.

amelisha · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

What freaks me out is that I did have that. I was ecstatic. I was walking around grinning ear to ear showing everyone my ring and telling them our entire story. I love the man who proposed to me. I'm friends with him now. I just don't understand how this all went downhill so quickly. I have this sinking feeling that this could just keep happening, so why not try and fix it this time, instead of fixing the next one.

You shouldn't have to fix it. You can't change someone. You can work on specific issues, but not if it's his issue only. HE has to fix that, and clearly he's getting worse, not better. Relationships shouldn't be hard. Yes, everyone has hard times and there are a million things that can put stress on a relationship and you shouldn't just give up when someone loses their job/a family member dies/someone gets ill/you have kids or whatever it is. But this is not even slightly comparable. This is a guy who should not be marrying ANYONE unless he figures out his issues. HIS issues. They aren't your issues. You can't do anything about them. And trying to "work this out" is completely futile on your end.

He needs to do this, and you can't just wait around expecting him to change. He won't.

Sugargirl1019 · November 2014

I feel like you only have two options, scary options. So let's take it in baby steps.

1. Do not set a wedding date, and if you have, ask for the deposit back and say it will be at a later unknown date. Ditch the money if they won't give it back.

2. Go to counseling TOGETHER. Be kind and polite and respectful when you tell your FI you are unhappy with where the relationship has gone, and you would like to fix it, starting with counseling.
(I loved my premarital counseling - I learned some new things about my DH and we hashed out complaints with ways to deal with problems).

You're still engaged, for now.

mikenberger · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:
What freaks me out is that I did have that. I was ecstatic. I was walking around grinning ear to ear showing everyone my ring and telling them our entire story. I love the man who proposed to me. I'm friends with him now. I just don't understand how this all went downhill so quickly. I have this sinking feeling that this could just keep happening, so why not try and fix it this time, instead of fixing the next one.

Sure, go right on ahead and try to fix it. Most likely you'll end up divorced and starting over much later in life. Maybe with kids. Do you want to do that to them? At the very least, he and you should attend counseling. People don't just change their personality so drastically without some sort of catalyst. Sure, his buddies wife cheated on him. Unless you're his buddies wife, he's putting an unfair consequence on you. And you can't fix that; only he can.

KatieinBkln · November 2014

esstee33 said:

And please don't assume that you're going to have to "fix the next one." When you find the right guy, you won't need to fix him.

Quoting for truth.

LadyMillil · November 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

I feel like you only have two options, scary options. So let's take it in baby steps. 1. Do not set a wedding date, and if you have, ask for the deposit back and say it will be at a later unknown date. Ditch the money if they won't give it back. 2. Go to counseling TOGETHER. Be kind and polite and respectful when you tell your FI you are unhappy with where the relationship has gone, and you would like to fix it, starting with counseling. (I loved my premarital counseling - I learned some new things about my DH and we hashed out complaints with ways to deal with problems). You're still engaged, for now.

I had a friend in a similar situation. Perfect guy until the engagement then everything went downhill. She wanted to attend counselling to try to work through the issues and fix things. Her FI refused to even consider counselling. That was the deal breaker for her and she called everything off. So far, I don't think you've listed good reasons to stay with him (really, guys in uniform turn you on is a reason to be with him?) but if you don't want to end things now, go to counselling ASAP. If he isn't willing to go, that says a lot about how he views your relationship and your happiness.

zitiqueen · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

What freaks me out is that I did have that. I was ecstatic. I was walking around grinning ear to ear showing everyone my ring and telling them our entire story. I love the man who proposed to me. I'm friends with him now. I just don't understand how this all went downhill so quickly. I have this sinking feeling that this could just keep happening, so why not try and fix it this time, instead of fixing the next one.

It isn't your job to "fix" anybody except yourself. If somebody needs fixing, walk away. I swear to God, you don't need anybody's permission to do that.

Can I ask what region of the country you live in?

levioosa · November 2014

zitiqueen said:

mrsamandalynn said:

What freaks me out is that I did have that. I was ecstatic. I was walking around grinning ear to ear showing everyone my ring and telling them our entire story. I love the man who proposed to me. I'm friends with him now. I just don't understand how this all went downhill so quickly. I have this sinking feeling that this could just keep happening, so why not try and fix it this time, instead of fixing the next one.

It isn't your job to "fix" anybody except yourself. If somebody needs fixing, walk away. I swear to God, you don't need anybody's permission to do that.

Can I ask what region of the country you live in?

I think she said she lives in rural Pennsylvania.

slothiegal · November 2014

esstee33 said:

And please don't assume that you're going to have to "fix the next one." When you find the right guy, you won't need to fix him.

I can not emphasize this enough. I have never, ever thought that there is anything I need to "fix" about slothieguy.

You have a very skewed perspective on what a healthy relationship should look like. That's nothing to be embarrassed about (I think most of us have been there at some point in our lives), but it is something that's better to address now, when you're still so young. You have so much ahead of you.

climbingsingle · November 2014

slothiegal said:

esstee33 said:

And please don't assume that you're going to have to "fix the next one." When you find the right guy, you won't need to fix him.

I can not emphasize this enough. I have never, ever thought that there is anything I need to "fix" about slothieguy.

You have a very skewed perspective on what a healthy relationship should look like. That's nothing to be embarrassed about (I think most of us have been there at some point in our lives), but it is something that's better to address now, when you're still so young. You have so much ahead of you.

Truth. Not once did I think or feel that my husband needed fixing.

sarawifenow · November 2014

I really am sorry that you are going through this. I have been there and I know how much it sucks. Like PPs, I have never felt that I should fix anything about my husband. Of course there are things that annoy me, but nothing that I think he needs to change.

My ex-FI on the other hand? Girl, I could go on for days and days about what he needs to fix.

novella1186 · November 2014

OP, go over to the "Partner Brag" thread on this board and see if you can honestly participate. It seems like you're not in love with this guy, you're not happy, and you don't have very valid reasons for staying. You shouldn't need to "fix" him, and you shouldn't be staying with him only for the reasons you've cited.

This may be one of those things that you don't realize how bad it is until it's done and over, but trust what Knotties have said to you. It's bad, and you need to get yourself outa there.

phira · November 2014

Honestly, there's a reason why I'm not pointing out that the OP hasn't said, "I love him, and I can't imagine my life without him," because those are things that were true of me in my first big relationship. I loved my boyfriend, and when our relationship ended, I fell into a really terrible depression because I couldn't imagine my life without him.

Those things, and being unhappy, are not mutually exclusive.

OP, what I recommend is this:

1) Keep doing what you're doing, re: sorority. Your fiancé is supportive about how much you love horses, but it sounds like that's a fiancé-approved activity. He's not supporting what you're interested in; he's controlling what you're allowed to be interested in. Being in a sorority is not damaging or hurtful to anyone; he doesn't have to be OMG YAY about it, but his behavior regarding it is really uncool.

2) Find a counselor. Seriously. I was going through a really rough patch over the summer with my partner, and just seeing a counselor on my own was unbelievably helpful. And I'm not saying, "See a counselor!" because I think the counselor will sneakily manipulate you into breaking up with your fiancé (I didn't break up with mine). I'm saying it because the way you describe your emotional state? That ain't good. You deserve to be happy; you shouldn't have to feel empty and detached. Get some help!

3) This goes for EVERYONE everywhere, and not just you: no partner is perfect, but you deserve more than just a partner who shares some interests with you and is not terrible all of the time. Everyone deserves to have a partner they're happy to see, a partner they feel safe with, a partner who supports them, a partner who communicates with them in a healthy way. Yes, this person is in the military, which you like, and he's cool with your love of horses, and he wants kids and you want kids. But you're missing a lot of green flags here. You shouldn't settle for red flags that aren't so bad when there aren't many green flags.

4) There's a huge fear of starting over, something that a lot of folks are echoing. It can feel terrifying to end a relationship and start at square one. But I think we need to lose the concept that relationships are somehow like video game progress. Ending a relationship doesn't set your score to zero. You don't lose your power-ups or start over at 3 hearts and the weakest sword in the game.

You are a person, with life experiences and feelings and wisdom and wants and needs. You don't lose yourself when you end a relationship. Fear of starting over is normal, and the fear is real, but it's not based on truth. That's why so many folks are coming in with stories of how they were also afraid of being sent back to the start line, and it was not like that when they ended their unhappy relationships. It might be difficult to logic your way around your fear, but we're here to help you if you need help.

flutteringinfl · November 2014

Please run fast and run far. This guy is bad news. I wish I'd listened to my friends and family when they told me that about my ex. Instead I stayed with him for seven stressful years. Granted, it was a long-distance relationship, but I think somehow that made it easier for him to control me; by not actually being physically together, there was this mystique about him that led me to believe he was more awesome than he was. By the time I woke up and dumped is a$$, I thought to myself, "What was I thinking??" But I wasn't ashamed of myself. Instead, I was just relieved.

I too went to a very small college. It had less than 200 students total and was in a very rural area. It made it harder to break away from him because I thought, "If I don't have him, who do I have to choose from?" But in the end I enjoyed being single and without him much better than I enjoyed being with him. And sure, it's hard to meet people, both friends and boyfriends, when you're not in college. But it's by no means impossible. You know where I met my FI? Literally in the middle of a field. We had no friends in common. We didn't go to the same school or work at the same place. We literally happened to be standing in a field at the same time. You can find a potential partner ANYWHERE.

I won't say I've been exactly where you are because I haven't. No one has. But I have been 21 and I have been scared that I had to stick it out with this one guy or there would be nothing left for me. 21 is a really weird age. You've been an adult for a few years and that can make it feel like you know enough about the world and yourself, but in truth it hasn't been that long and you have so much in front of you that even a couple of years from now will make a huge difference in your maturity.

I've been reading the whole thread and honestly, what you're saying is breaking my heart. You keep coming back with all these reasons you feel obligated to marry him despite wave after wave of posters telling you that you're painting a very disturbing picture and that if it's all true, you need to go. I don't know that one more person telling you that will make a difference. But I hope, sincerely, that you're realizing that 9 pages of replies all saying the same thing should at least give you some kind of hint as to your best option.

I hope you don't look at this as a bunch of people telling you what to do. Because the truth is, I think most of us are just worried for you. And if a bunch of internet strangers are more concerned for your safety and happiness than the man you're planning to marry, that should tell you a lot.

sarahufl · November 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

slothiegal said:

esstee33 said:

And please don't assume that you're going to have to "fix the next one." When you find the right guy, you won't need to fix him.

I can not emphasize this enough. I have never, ever thought that there is anything I need to "fix" about slothieguy.

You have a very skewed perspective on what a healthy relationship should look like. That's nothing to be embarrassed about (I think most of us have been there at some point in our lives), but it is something that's better to address now, when you're still so young. You have so much ahead of you.

Truth. Not once did I think or feel that my husband needed fixing.

QFT. The only thing I want to fix about H is teaching him to chew with his mouth closed. Dude makes such a racket when he eats.

Other than that, no changes.

OP, I echo what PPs said about conseling. It is incredibly helpful.

mrsamandalynn · November 2014

I have a lot to gain and a lot to lose all at the same time. I feel like my entire life is kinda crashing before my eyes and if I do this now I'll just completely lose my mind. My grandfather is dying, I'm working 2 jobs while going to school, the sorority just extended our new member process 2wks for "poor performance" and I'm still dealing with my car accident from last month. My fiancé just lost his job and I feel like I'm royally screwed.

slothiegal · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

I have a lot to gain and a lot to lose all at the same time. I feel like my entire life is kinda crashing before my eyes and if I do this now I'll just completely lose my mind. My grandfather is dying, I'm working 2 jobs while going to school, the sorority just extended our new member process 2wks for "poor performance" and I'm still dealing with my car accident from last month. My fiancé just lost his job and I feel like I'm royally screwed.

There will always be a million reasons not to do a difficult thing.

eta a word

ohannabelle · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

I have a lot to gain and a lot to lose all at the same time. I feel like my entire life is kinda crashing before my eyes and if I do this now I'll just completely lose my mind. My grandfather is dying, I'm working 2 jobs while going to school, the sorority just extended our new member process 2wks for "poor performance" and I'm still dealing with my car accident from last month. My fiancé just lost his job and I feel like I'm royally screwed.

And an unhappy relationship is not going to make any of these things better.

You need to speak to a professional. ASAP.

artbyallie · November 2014

OMG. "He's not all bad" should not be something you say non-jokingly about the person you're planning to spend your life with.

zitiqueen · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

I have a lot to gain and a lot to lose all at the same time. I feel like my entire life is kinda crashing before my eyes and if I do this now I'll just completely lose my mind. My grandfather is dying, I'm working 2 jobs while going to school, the sorority just extended our new member process 2wks for "poor performance" and I'm still dealing with my car accident from last month. My fiancé just lost his job and I feel like I'm royally screwed.

What do you have to gain?

holyguacamole79 · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:
I have a lot to gain and a lot to lose all at the same time. I feel like my entire life is kinda crashing before my eyes and if I do this now I'll just completely lose my mind. My grandfather is dying, I'm working 2 jobs while going to school, the sorority just extended our new member process 2wks for "poor performance" and I'm still dealing with my car accident from last month. My fiancé just lost his job and I feel like I'm royally screwed.

... and my fiancé is demanding to know when I come home and freaks out when I don't put the dishes away immediately

raissyrais · November 2014

holyguacamole79 said:

I have a lot to gain and a lot to lose all at the same time. I feel like my entire life is kinda crashing before my eyes and if I do this now I'll just completely lose my mind. My grandfather is dying, I'm working 2 jobs while going to school, the sorority just extended our new member process 2wks for "poor performance" and I'm still dealing with my car accident from last month. My fiancé just lost his job and I feel like I'm royally screwed.
... and my fiancé is demanding to know when I come home and freaks out when I don't put the dishes away immediately

She did say she likes men in uniforms...maybe that's the most she has to gain out of this relationship? ...

flutteringinfl · November 2014

How are you royally screwed? None of the reasons you've listed in your most recent or any other post are good enough reasons to stay. You are never obligated to stay in a relationship. The only reason you should stay in this relationship is if you genuinely want to be in it. That's it. Nothing else matters. And from what you're saying, it sounds like you don't want to be in it.

climbingsingle · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

I have a lot to gain and a lot to lose all at the same time. I feel like my entire life is kinda crashing before my eyes and if I do this now I'll just completely lose my mind. My grandfather is dying, I'm working 2 jobs while going to school, the sorority just extended our new member process 2wks for "poor performance" and I'm still dealing with my car accident from last month. My fiancé just lost his job and I feel like I'm royally screwed.

I'm genuinely curious as to what you stand to gain here. And you never answered my question. Are you actually in love with him?

OliveOilsMom · November 2014

mrsamandalynn said:

I have a lot to gain and a lot to lose all at the same time. I feel like my entire life is kinda crashing before my eyes and if I do this now I'll just completely lose my mind. My grandfather is dying, I'm working 2 jobs while going to school, the sorority just extended our new member process 2wks for "poor performance" and I'm still dealing with my car accident from last month. My fiancé just lost his job and I feel like I'm royally screwed.

There are pros and cons to ALL relationships, whether business, personal, or romantic. But for the person you are wanting to spend the rest of your life with, the pros should ALWAYS outweigh the cons. And they should outweigh them by a ton. I just don't see where the pros are in your relationship at all.

novella1186 · November 2014

I know you're going through some hard stuff right now, but add "bad relationship" to that list of hard stuff, because I promise that's bringing you down too. Take that thing off the list, because that's the thing you have the most control over and the capability to change. Do it for yourself. Improve your own life and stop letting someone else dictate for you and make you unhappy. There's just no reason for it.

Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

Re: Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

Choose Another Board

Search Boards