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novella1186
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Well... I just got gutted. - Update in thread
Warning: this is yet another post about my crazy sister, so if you're sick of hearing about it (which I wouldn't blame you for) feel free not to read.
Last week I told my therapist that the worst part about the fight we had is that things are just so WEIRD. She's been ignoring me for almost 6 months now, and we used to talk all the time. The longer the fight drags on, the more awkward things get. I tried apologizing to her (even though I still don't know what I did to piss her off), but she never responded. So the therapist recommended that I just keep trying to reach out to her. It sounded like a good idea to me, so last Thursday I e-mailed my sister and just said "Hey, we should talk." Nothing. This Saturday I texted her and said "I don't know if you got my e-mail but I think we should talk."
Well to my shock and amazement, she responded this afternoon. But she said "If you want to talk, I'm willing to listen." I honestly don't know what I expected, but that completely knocked the wind out of me. I seriously felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and I had to fight back the tears cuz I really don't want to sit in the middle of my crowded office crying like an idiot. That was probably the worst response I could've gotten from her. I think it would have been better if she said something shitty. But "If you want to talk, I'm willing to listen."
So... she has nothing to say? Nothing? After all the insults she threw at me (and I didn't even return any insults through the entire thing), after she tried to convince my FI that I treat everyone "like shit" and that I'm completely "manipulative and bipolar" (which is when FI yelled at her and shut her down, because he knew those things to be so ridiculously false and couldn't take any more of her attacking me.) And I've apologized to her for doing nothing, but she has no apology for me? I guess I shouldn't be so shocked but I am. She has nothing to say. Like... how?
I figured I should seize the opportunity anyway, even though I was hurting like all hell, and I said "I don't have a lot to say other than the apology I already gave you, and that I see no point in dragging out a stupid fight for months and months. I'm not used to having things be so awkward between you and I, and that sucks. I thought we were really close, and I pretty much feel like I lost one of my best friends. Other than that, I also wanted to give you an opening in case you had more to say or something to add, an explanation of anything, whatever." Nothing. No response.
Maybe that wasn't the greatest way for me to respond to her. I don't know if I said the right thing or not. I was just being honest and trying not to say anything out of anger. And I was pretty much pleading for her to say SOMETHING. Even if it was something mean. JUST SAY SOMETHING. But I got nothing. I can't even wrap my head around this. It's like she wants me to grovel at her feet and keep apologizing, as if she honestly believes I deserved the stuff she said to me and she did nothing wrong. But what the fuck did I do wrong? What did I do? If she could just explain what I did, even if it's not a real thing, even if it's something she made up, anything would be better than nothing. How can she have NOTHING to say????
My therapist suspects my sister has Borderline Personality Disorder (and I believe some of you have suggested that as well, and some family friends have suggested it, and she definitely has a lot of the telltale signs/behavior) so maybe this is what I should have expected. But I didn't.
What makes it even worse is that she'll inevitably run to my parents about this and twist it around that I did something horribly wrong here too, like I should have apologized more or something, and how dare I not, and soon my mother will be nagging/guilt-tripping/passive aggressively coming after me for doing something wrong, and putting the pressure back on me to fix it.
My head is hurting from all the pressure and trying so hard not to cry right now.
I have no idea where to go from here. No idea. I just feel so completely defeated and... sad. Just so sad.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Well... I just got gutted. - Update in thread
But seriously... I'm so sorry. With my sister, I tried for 6 years to reach out, with no response. And the day she responded? Seriously the most hateful, hurtful things I've ever read. Reading it, I realized my sister must see me as an absolute monster second only to Hitler for the crimes and atrocities I had committed in my youth. I responded with a simple "I'm so sorry to have hurt you. I will not bother you again. My door is always open if you ever want to contact me." She responded to this with a second hurtful tirade. I apologized again, and left it at that. I spent 8 hours crying at my desk that day. I totally get that.
Words, or the lack thereof, are especially hurtful coming from those who are closest to us. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just try to remember that you cannot control her actions, only yours. It sounds like you're doing the right thing. She may just have a lot more growing up left to do. Hugs. Family drama is the pits.
I'm so sorry! I think at this point you need to evaluate whether or not you want to pursue a relationship with your sister. You cannot force someone to be a decent human being. And, let's face it, she is not acting like one.
After everything I have read that you have written about her, I would be tempted to just walk away from this situation. Just because she is your sister does not mean she gets to treat you like shit. I wish I could give you all the hugs and then pop one to your sister.
So... Two things.
1. I'm a therapist. I disagree with "If you don't get resolution, this will all come back to bite you later." I think sometimes you have to learn how to accept an apology you were never given in order to move on. You have to know that you tried your damnest to fix things, and your sister (and mother) wouldn't budge, and you have ZERO control over that. The resolution I feel like will lie in you doing everything you could and you have to be okay with the effort you put forth.
2. You have no control over others' actions or feelings, all you can control is yourself. As someone in a very similar situation with my sister, I eventually got to the point where I let go of wanting to have a relationship with her. She doesn't want to be in my life anymore, and though I think about her almost daily, I've finally accepted that we aren't going to be in each other's lives. She doesn't even know I'm getting married, and I know that's not my fault. Now, it's taken me YEARS to get to this place so I know it isn't easy, but at some point I believe you just have to be happy with the effort you've given and accept her actions for what they are.
Hugs to you, I hope you feel better.
I'm so sorry that that's the response you got for reaching out and trying to resolve this.
I've been lurking on CC for a while and have seen your other sister posts, and I'm sorry that she keeps painting you as the bad guy and acting like you owe her something. You've tried so many times to fix a problem that you didn't cause, and I think that @sarawifenow might be right...you may want to consider how much of a relationship you want to have with your sister. I know your mom pesters you into reaching out and I wouldn't be willing to completely lose my sister either, but I also wouldn't be willing to keep being treated like that.
Sending hugs!
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Personally, I think you should find a different therapist.
1st, no decent therapist would offer up a diagnosis about another person without ever having seen them personally as a patient, and they certainly wouldn't discuss that diagnosis with anyone else as it violates ethical and HIPAA standards.
2nd, if your therapist really thinks your sister has Borderline Personality Disorder, then she should also know that there is nothing that you can do in this situation to "fix" it. So rather than encouraging you to keep reaching out to your sister, she should be talking to you about ways to deal with and interact with a person who has BPD, and how you can learn to accept and move past her dysfunctional behaviors and how you can accept and move on from the feelings of guilt, etc you experience in dealing with your sister and your family.
It's her job as a therapist to teach you how you to move on without getting closure or a resolution, because when you are dealing with other people, and especially those with behavioral and emotional issues as bad as BPD, you are not neccessarily going to get the closure or resolution that you want.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
It's time to be a bit selfish dear and protect yourself and your feelings from them. I wish you all the best
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
You're in therapy because your family is screwed up. . . screwed up people can't give you resolution ;-)
I'm sure you could argue that no one, not even healthy, rational, people can give you resolution because that's a state that you have to come to in your own life on your own.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. I understand how hard it can be to deal with family when you're in a fucked up situation.
Like PPs, I would also recommend getting a different therapist. Honestly sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to get away from the negative people and things in your life. You've clearly tried multiple times to work out the situation with your sister, and yet she continues to harass and hurt you without any apology or sense of decency. Maybe it's a good time to cut ties with your sister (and maybe your mom too if she insists on making the situation worse and always siding with your sister regardless of how shitty she is treating you).
Often just cutting ties and avoiding people and situations that are harmful to your relationships and your personal health for a while are the best way to better those relationships. I know with my family when I was dealing with stupid crap like you have gone through, that was what worked for me. I cut ties with my family, limited the times that I would see them or talk to them, and eventually they got the point. My family is no longer openly abusive towards myself for my fiance. It may have taken them a year and a half of us not speaking or seeing each other except on very limited terms that I set. But in the long run, we are able to have a more decent relationship because I showed them that I would not hesitate to walk away if they were going to be cruel and abusive.
My family learned that is they treated us like shit, they would not be a part of my life. And then they got to put on their big boy panties and choose for themselves if fucking over a relationship with their daughter was worth it or not.
You can't force people to change or to grow up and behave like adults. But you can give them a choice. A choice of not existing with in your life... Or a choice of shaping up their attitude and treating you with respect.
ETA: grammar