Bridal Party Dates at Head Table?

MobKaz · December 2015

AddieCake said:

With the addition of your "Who leaves during dinner? That's what I'm paying for!" Comment, I call MUD. Either that or I'm calling you a name that would be a TOS violation.

In glancing through some of @ChicagoBride2017's posts, there is definitely some irony to be found. She stopped reading a blog because she was looking for something "snarkier" and guessed that some people "just can't handle honesty". I'm pretty sure that is a classic example of the pot calling the kettle black.......

@ChicagoBride2017, you stated in one of your posts that your sister was not asked to be one of your BM's because "she is not a good example of marriage". In keeping with that line of thought, you really ought to consider whether you should host this reception if you continue to be such a poor example of etiquette.

OliveOilsMom · December 2015

OP - When you attend a wedding reception, which did you prefer - sitting next to your FI and enjoying his company the entire time OR managing to get through dinner on your own before you can meet up again?

My own sister wanted to have a head table and I gave her the riot act that I wanted to sit with my H, not her at the reception. I told her all that you have already been told and she realized that sitting her WP with their dates was the way to go. Please do the same.

STARMOON44 · December 2015

All this fuss over two grooms men's dates? You're crazy.

crys-crys · December 2015

I have only been in 1 wedding. I love my friend who I stood by but I didn't know most of her family and friends. My husband didn't either. He would have had to sit at a table full of strangers without me if we hadn't been sat at a table together. That would have been awful for him, especially with his anxiety. You have to think about your bridal party and their dates feelings, not just what you want or how you have felt when it came to sitting by yourself. Not everyone is you.

JediElizabeth · December 2015

A&B567 said:

I recently went to an OOT wedding where FI was BM – he spent the day running around doing errands for the bridal party, setting up the venue, getting ready… then standing up at the ceremony, a few hours for photos, then over to the reception where he sat at the head table.

I spent the day being social, talking to strangers, introducing myself, chatting chatting chatting all day. Then more time with people I didn’t know at the ceremony, and again during the gap, and again during the reception without FI.

And I say this as a super talkative outgoing extrovert – man, it would have been SO. NICE. to have been able to sit next to FI during dinner, take his arm, talk over the day, chat to other couples at the table, and raise a glass to the lovely couple.

It was a nice day. It could have been even nicer.

I've been in this situation recently as well. I've mentioned here before that I have slight social anxiety, so I spent most of cocktail hour on my own just watching people, and then (thankfully!) at dinner, one of the groom's friends realized I was uncomfortable and took me under his wing, introducing me to people and all. It was SO uncomfortable. My FI did his best when he could come see me, but I would have had a million times more fun if I could have dinner with him.

I hope this is MUD. I couldn't imagine anyone thinking this through and then deciding to make her guests uncomfortable because she's so special, they should just grit their teeth & deal with it.

thisismynickname2 · December 2015

Think I skipped over some drama here but as a fellow Chicagoan I need to chime in for OP's head table question.
Unfortunately when a "head table" existed at all, I have only see bridal-party-only "head tables" and been part of them, separated from my SO. But stay with me here!! However, in lieu of head tables, many other couples have done sweetheart tables or sat with their very nearest as suggested on page one.
We sat with my siblings and both sets of parents at a regular table.
What I'm saying is I've never seen a 20-person head table including SOs. Any wedding where bridal party members sat with their SOs, they sat at regular tables... And I very much prefer it that way.
Break the mold! Don't be rude.

charlotte989875 · December 2015

Completely agree with PPs and here's an example. When H and I were first dating we went to a wedding that was the first of his close friends. The bridal party had a head table and their dates were not seated with them. One of the GMs dates sat with us; she didn't know anyone at the table, was really shy, and hardly talked to anyone all night. The dinner was long and he came to be with her as soon as he could but she definitely went hours being uncomfortable. We all talked to her, but they had just started dating too (so had we) so it was just awkward all around. Fast forward 5 years and they're married now and I just felt bad that this clearly was a woman that was special to this GM who had to sit at a table full of his friends that she didn't know all night long. Please OP if you're still around and actually open to suggestions, make this easy for your friends and sit the bridal party with their SOs or dates.

GamersElope16 · December 2015

Geese, it's just dinner for crying out loud! I'm not holding the BP hostage and saying they can't see their SO at all. It's for a few hours. We are all adults and heaven forbid we have to socialize with people we don't know for a bit. Maybe you gain a new friend or find a new workout buddy. It's really not that bad. I'm attending a wedding in Jan and I will only know 3 ppl (FI, bride and groom) and I'm gonna put on my big girl pants and socialize like a GD adult.

When end did everyone become a bunch of whining ninnies because they have to be away from this SO for a meal.

A wedding is is a different social event than a typical dinner party, thus a TEMPORARY seating arraignment. It's kind of a given that if you or SO is part of a wedding party and the other isn't, you won't see each other for most of the day.

I asked ppl that have and have not been married weather they have seen SO sitting with the BP and it's a resounding "No"

This has to be a new thing going on where we can't adult for a majority of a day without a security blanket (SO)

GamersElope16 · December 2015

Additionally, I would try my absolute hardest to sit the SO's with people they know or would mesh with. I'm not a completely horrible person.

GamersElope16 · December 2015

I would be more open to suggestions if there were more. Pretty much all I've seen is "that's rude" "you're inconsiderate"

With some research, I've seen that both scenarios are acceptable.

Viczaesar · December 2015

ChicagoBride2017 said:

Geese, it's just dinner for crying out loud! I'm not holding the BP hostage and saying they can't see their SO at all. It's for a few hours. We are all adults and heaven forbid we have to socialize with people we don't know for a bit. Maybe you gain a new friend or find a new workout buddy. It's really not that bad. I'm attending a wedding in Jan and I will only know 3 ppl (FI, bride and groom) and I'm gonna put on my big girl pants and socialize like a GD adult.

When end did everyone become a bunch of whining ninnies because they have to be away from this SO for a meal.

A wedding is is a different social event than a typical dinner party, thus a TEMPORARY seating arraignment. It's kind of a given that if you or SO is part of a wedding party and the other isn't, you won't see each other for most of the day.

I asked ppl that have and have not been married weather they have seen SO sitting with the BP and it's a resounding "No"

This has to be a new thing going on where we can't adult for a majority of a day without a security blanket (SO)

You have the temerity to call people whom you are disrespecting and treating shittily people who can't "adult"? You sound like a shitty host and friend. If anyone is failing at adulating in this scenario it's most certainly you. Grow up.

glasgowtolondon · December 2015

ChicagoBride2017 said:
I would be more open to suggestions if there were more. Pretty much all I've seen is "that's rude" "you're inconsiderate"

With some research, I've seen that both scenarios are acceptable.

People gave you lots of suggestions - sweetheart table, SOs joining head table, head table with just you and your family. Every single one of the posters advised that to sit people away from their SO was rude because it is. Every. Single. One. Doesn't that tell you something? Some of us also gave you our own experiences - we did it, but it sort of sucked and we'd have preferred not to.

No one said people can't get through it, they simply asked you why should they? Wouldn't you prefer that all your guests had the best time possible? Is it okay for your friends to have a crappy time at dinner so long as they don't tell you to your face?

You are so dead set on doing this that I just can't fathom why you asked in the first place. There's a word for ppl who go out of their way to ask for advice but then don't take any of it....

littlestmonkey · December 2015

ChicagoBride2017 said:

Geese, it's just dinner for crying out loud! I'm not holding the BP hostage and saying they can't see their SO at all. It's for a few hours. We are all adults and heaven forbid we have to socialize with people we don't know for a bit. Maybe you gain a new friend or find a new workout buddy. It's really not that bad. I'm attending a wedding in Jan and I will only know 3 ppl (FI, bride and groom) and I'm gonna put on my big girl pants and socialize like a GD adult.

When end did everyone become a bunch of whining ninnies because they have to be away from this SO for a meal.

A wedding is is a different social event than a typical dinner party, thus a TEMPORARY seating arraignment. It's kind of a given that if you or SO is part of a wedding party and the other isn't, you won't see each other for most of the day.

I asked ppl that have and have not been married weather they have seen SO sitting with the BP and it's a resounding "No"

This has to be a new thing going on where we can't adult for a majority of a day without a security blanket (SO)

Head tables without SOs are also typical where I'm from. If I'd just asked around my circles I would have been told the same thing but the head table has always seemed weird to me (probably not helped by being an awkward teenager who had to sit at one between two groomsmen I didn't know at my aunts wedding - I hated every minute of dinner, even though they were very nice and tried to put me at ease).

so we did a heads table and all wedding party members sat with their SOs. They were expecting to sit apart so we actually had a number of people say to us how nice it was that they could sit their SO.

Be the person who pleasantly surprises their friends and family.

ETA formatting

banana468 · December 2015

If you think people are being silly because they can't be split from their SO then don't sit with yours. You can manage right?

I've been there and "managed" and lived to tell the tale. But I thought it was stupid.

And I don't think head tables are conducive to conversation either. So I find that the practice is all for a photo op. If you're trying not to be AWish, you're doing a bad job.

kimmiinthemitten · December 2015

I don't get the head table concept to begin with. I mean who wants to eat dinner sitting in a straight line staring at everyone else eating. The whole thing is weird.

While the traditional head table is what I see most commonly here, the last few weddings I have worked have gone to the Kings Table set up, which is what we're doing too. The Kings table has the BP plus their SO's and people are seated all around the table.

Here's an example::

lnixon8 · December 2015

ChicagoBride2017 said:

Geese, it's just dinner for crying out loud! I'm not holding the BP hostage and saying they can't see their SO at all. It's for a few hours. We are all adults and heaven forbid we have to socialize with people we don't know for a bit. Maybe you gain a new friend or find a new workout buddy. It's really not that bad. I'm attending a wedding in Jan and I will only know 3 ppl (FI, bride and groom) and I'm gonna put on my big girl pants and socialize like a GD adult.

When end did everyone become a bunch of whining ninnies because they have to be away from this SO for a meal.

A wedding is is a different social event than a typical dinner party, thus a TEMPORARY seating arraignment. It's kind of a given that if you or SO is part of a wedding party and the other isn't, you won't see each other for most of the day.

I asked ppl that have and have not been married weather they have seen SO sitting with the BP and it's a resounding "No"

This has to be a new thing going on where we can't adult for a majority of a day without a security blanket (SO)

Boxes

The bolded makes you sound like the type to expect your bridesmaids to bond and become besties just because they have the "honor" of both being in your wedding party. In some cases your WP could be small enough that maybe everyone is already friends but that's uncommon when you thik of siblings, cousins, work friends, high school/college/post grad friends.

You don't have to worry about seating the dates with people they will mesh with- just seat them with their dates.

holyguacamole79 · December 2015

@ChicagoBride2017 , don't ask a question if you don't want to hear an answer.

holyguacamole79 · December 2015

ChicagoBride2017 said:
Additionally, I would try my absolute hardest to sit the SO's with people they know or would mesh with. I'm not a completely horrible person.

ChicagoBride2017 said:
I would be more open to suggestions if there were more. Pretty much all I've seen is "that's rude" "you're inconsiderate"

With some research, I've seen that both scenarios are acceptable.

Suggestions:
1) Sweetheart table for you and your spouse. Let the bridal party sit with their dates.
2) Let the bridal party sit with their dates with you and your new spouse.

Heffalump · December 2015

So many thoughts:

1. I was born and raised in Chicagoland, so the whole "everyone here does a head table" really doesn't fly with me. Some do (the rude ones), some don't (those who are considerate of their guests).

2. You've gotten a ton of good suggestions. Here's what we did at our wedding: DH and I were at a table with my MOH, her FI, the BM, BM's GF (who was also a BM), and...maybe a couple of other people? (I don't remember now if it was a table of 6 or 8, it's been almost 10 years.) My other BM was there with her husband and her two kids, so they were all together at another table with some mutual friends. DH's other two groomsmen were his brothers, so they were at their respective families' tables. We basically put people where it made sense, regardless of whether they were WP or not. It worked out so well.

3. The random date comment really bothered me. Many, many years ago, I was DH's "random date" to a wedding he was in. (We had been dating for several months at that point.) I was seated at what was clearly the leftovers table. I didn't know anyone there, and most of them were significantly older than I was. (Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but I was young and it cut me off from my fallback of "Where did you go to school? Oh, what year did you graduate? Do you know Jen Doe, she was a poli sci major there too, she would have been a year behind you?" Etc.) My neighbor to my right was the bride's mom's cousin, and she spent the entire time trying to sell me on a cruise. She was a travel agent, she asked if I had been on a cruise, and what I thought was pleasant small talk turned into a hardcore sales pitch. Through the entire dinner.

I mean, I managed. I'm here today, still alive and breathing. But it wasn't much fun. It was also one of those weddings where DH constantly had to "help" with things, so I saw very little of him. I honestly wished I had skipped it and gone to my company picnic instead.

OP, you asked. You got a lot of answers. Obviously your head table is technically possible, but less than desirable. Is that really your vision for your event, or do you care about your guests' comfort and want them to have a good time? Sure you can say "They should feel X, Y, and Z if I do A," but you can't make people feel that way. So knowing that, wouldn't you set the bar higher than "manageable" and try to make your event something that all of your guests will enjoy?

MobKaz · December 2015

littlestmonkey said:

ChicagoBride2017 said:

Geese, it's just dinner for crying out loud! I'm not holding the BP hostage and saying they can't see their SO at all. It's for a few hours. We are all adults and heaven forbid we have to socialize with people we don't know for a bit. Maybe you gain a new friend or find a new workout buddy. It's really not that bad. I'm attending a wedding in Jan and I will only know 3 ppl (FI, bride and groom) and I'm gonna put on my big girl pants and socialize like a GD adult.

When end did everyone become a bunch of whining ninnies because they have to be away from this SO for a meal.

A wedding is is a different social event than a typical dinner party, thus a TEMPORARY seating arraignment. It's kind of a given that if you or SO is part of a wedding party and the other isn't, you won't see each other for most of the day.

I asked ppl that have and have not been married weather they have seen SO sitting with the BP and it's a resounding "No"

This has to be a new thing going on where we can't adult for a majority of a day without a security blanket (SO)

Head tables without SOs are also typical where I'm from. If I'd just asked around my circles I would have been told the same thing but the head table has always seemed weird to me (probably not helped by being an awkward teenager who had to sit at one between two groomsmen I didn't know at my aunts wedding - I hated every minute of dinner, even though they were very nice and tried to put me at ease).

so we did a heads table and all wedding party members sat with their SOs. They were expecting to sit apart so we actually had a number of people say to us how nice it was that they could sit their SO.

Be the person who pleasantly surprises their friends and family.

ETA formatting

I am not seeing anything that even closely resembles "pleasant" with this poster.

AddieCake · December 2015

If this isn't MUD, clearly the only reason you posted this is to bitch about this topic. You aren't interested in any of the alternatives to head tables that have been suggested.

Do whatever you want. You're going to anyway, and this post has been a complete waste of everyone's time. You deserve to have some wedding guests side eying you and talking shit about you behind your back, possibly for years to come if they are one of the SOs or members of your WP who are affected by this. I'm just sad for those people who will be made to feel uncomfortable in the process.

MegEn1 · December 2015

Please also remember that when you ask your friends and people in your circle "Hey does this idea seem rude or stupid?" many times you're going to hear what they think you want to hear because they are your friends, and they believe that your happiness is more important than pointing out what a horrible idea separating dates would be. We don't know you. We don't care about you or your wedding. We're telling you what your loved ones likely won't because they do care about you. There's some serious added value in that, and that's why you asked here in the first place I'd imagine.

ETA: Prepositions.

floridabride44 · December 2015

@ChicagoBride2017 Hey OP, I have a question... Why exactly do you want to do a head table? So far you've explained that it's common in your circles, but is that the only reason why you want to do it? Because everyone else does it? Or do you like the "look"? Please explain WHY you're so insistent on this head table.

Because... if one of those reasons the case, you're either:

A ) Being rude to your guests because everyone else you know has also been rude OR
B ) Being rude to your guests so you can get a "pretty" photo.

Both of which are horrible reasons. So I'm curious what YOUR reason is that makes you special enough to justify being rude to your guests.

MobKaz · December 2015

ChicagoBride2017 said:

I would be more open to suggestions if there were more. Pretty much all I've seen is "that's rude" "you're inconsiderate"

With some research, I've seen that both scenarios are acceptable.

I suggest you put others before yourself. I suggest you consider the unanimous and honest opinions presented on this thread. I suggest you stop wasting time posing questions for which you don't really want an answer. I suggest you stop making this sound as if inconsiderate, poor hosting is a reflection of Chicago, or any other region. It's a people problem, not a regional dynamic.

I suggest you stop contradicting yourself. You say these guests should be adults because it is just for dinner. Further on in THE SAME POST you state that the wedding party won't see their SO's for MOST of the day. Sounds like you are holding your wedding party hostage, and for more than a few hours.

kimmiinthemitten · December 2015

holyguacamole79 said:

Additionally, I would try my absolute hardest to sit the SO's with people they know or would mesh with. I'm not a completely horrible person.

I would be more open to suggestions if there were more. Pretty much all I've seen is "that's rude" "you're inconsiderate"

With some research, I've seen that both scenarios are acceptable.

Suggestions: 1) Sweetheart table for you and your spouse. Let the bridal party sit with their dates. 2) Let the bridal party sit with their dates with you and your new spouse.

3. Have a sweetheart table, and or a head table with your BM and SO, MOH and SO or parents and seat the rest of the bridal party with their SO where you would have sat them had they not been in the BP.

climbingsingle · December 2015

You've gotten more than enough suggestions.

Have a sweetheart table
Seat the SOs at your head table
Sit at a table with your family
Chose a few friends to sit with, including their SOs

You basically just want people to tell you it's OK to seat your bridal party away from their SOs and anyone with any kind of knowledge of proper etiquette is not going to tell you that.
If it's not a big deal to sit away from your SO, maybe you and your new husband should sit at separate tables.

Liatris2010 · December 2015

ChicagoBride2017 said:

Geese, it's just dinner for crying out loud! I'm not holding the BP hostage and saying they can't see their SO at all. It's for a few hours. We are all adults and heaven forbid we have to socialize with people we don't know for a bit. Maybe you gain a new friend or find a new workout buddy. It's really not that bad. I'm attending a wedding in Jan and I will only know 3 ppl (FI, bride and groom) and I'm gonna put on my big girl pants and socialize like a GD adult.

When end did everyone become a bunch of whining ninnies because they have to be away from this SO for a meal.

A wedding is is a different social event than a typical dinner party, thus a TEMPORARY seating arraignment. It's kind of a given that if you or SO is part of a wedding party and the other isn't, you won't see each other for most of the day.

I asked ppl that have and have not been married weather they have seen SO sitting with the BP and it's a resounding "No"

This has to be a new thing going on where we can't adult for a majority of a day without a security blanket (SO)

You make some excellent points here. Take your own advice and make friends with the GM's "random dates" by inviting them to join you and the WP.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

I CAN"T STAND HEAD TABLES! I live in the Midwest.. VERY rural Midwest

We had a sweetheart table. It was nice to be able to get a few mins of time with my new hubby while we ate. It was awkward everyone else was eating too. Someone please tell me the point of a head table? I've never met anyone who actually enjoys sitting up there I always get "well it's how its done" ok so if you don't like it why do it? Why does the whole bridal party need to be put on display? I don't understand.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

I also will add my own personal story of a nightmare of a head table. Hubby was a groomsmen recently. They had name tags for everyone at the wedding including head table.... They forgot his name tag at the head table and had already done all the place settings.. so last minute (ALL guests watching) They had to slide everyone together.. SO that looked great. THEN they forgot my name tag as well as 2 other wives... We didn't really know each other but because of that sat together. I knew no one else at this wedding.. a table of 3 that was to be a table of 8 looked great. I now know the gals a bit better but it was still very odd. Then they did the wedding party dance and a few other bridal party things.. My point. We traveled to the wedding hubby was gone for about 5 hours while I walked around downtown because of photos and whatever else.. Then they went to a bar.. then the head table.. then the dance.. and guess what ?? Up until that point I had liked the bride.. she was a major B that day in regards to some other things. Which sounds like OP is on the verge of being. If you can't treat all of your guests with respect you have a lot of other issues other then having a head table. And as I asked in my previous post. Why do you want one? Other then that's whats done.

MobKaz · December 2015

Liatris2010 said:

ChicagoBride2017 said:

Geese, it's just dinner for crying out loud! I'm not holding the BP hostage and saying they can't see their SO at all. It's for a few hours. We are all adults and heaven forbid we have to socialize with people we don't know for a bit. Maybe you gain a new friend or find a new workout buddy. It's really not that bad. I'm attending a wedding in Jan and I will only know 3 ppl (FI, bride and groom) and I'm gonna put on my big girl pants and socialize like a GD adult.

When end did everyone become a bunch of whining ninnies because they have to be away from this SO for a meal.

A wedding is is a different social event than a typical dinner party, thus a TEMPORARY seating arraignment. It's kind of a given that if you or SO is part of a wedding party and the other isn't, you won't see each other for most of the day.

I asked ppl that have and have not been married weather they have seen SO sitting with the BP and it's a resounding "No"

This has to be a new thing going on where we can't adult for a majority of a day without a security blanket (SO)

You make some excellent points here. Take your own advice and make friends with the GM's "random dates" by inviting them to join you and the WP.

Let's look at it from another POV outside of the SO's. You are denying your wedding party the opportunity to socialize with anyone else other than the same group of people they have been with for the ENTIRE day. Worse, at dinner, they are stuck speaking with ONLY two people; those on their immediate right and left side. Head tables are SO conducive to socializing, right?

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