to invite or not to invite

greeninspring · March 2017

Ro041 said:

VADI said:

Ro041 said:

VADI said:

lol, this is confusing to explain.

FI has his son each weekend, usually. However, the night of our wedding, we plan to have SS go back to his mom's, unless grandparents take him from us at the wedding and keep him overnight.

Anyone babysitting would mean that either the kid has to go back to his mom's, or we keep him with us and take him to his mom's ourselves.

Selfishly, I don't want to have ANYTHING to do with having to take care of SS's needs on my wedding night, and I WILL resent getting stuck with him that night. I know that sounds heartless... but I don't mean it like that. Love him to bits... but I don't want a 4 year old cramping our sexytime.

I don't mind hiring someone to take him there, but his mom will have a fit. She's... particular...about her child.

Wait....you think she is going have a fit if a stranger drives him home, so the alternative is to have his grandparents, who she doesn't want seeing him (for whatever reason), drive him to their home and keep him overnight?? If I were Biomom, I would flip my sh*t if I found out that someone other than one of his parents was keeping him overnight. Good Lord.

Your FI needs to have the uncomfortable conversation with his ex about the care of their son on the night of your wedding.

I know, 6 of one half a dozen of the other...

but... he's spent the night at his grandparents before. We're not sure what's going on between the mom and her parents, but we've only had it mentioned in passing to us by the grandparents, not the mom herself.

If SS sleeps over at his grandparents place, the mom may never even know.

And no, neither of us feel that the mom should be made aware, either. It's none of her business, really. That might seem harsh, but what occurs in the daily life of FI is no concern of hers. The wedding will be on a weekend. That's FI's time, anyway, the kid would normally sleep in our home anyway.

I don't let my kids' father know each and every time I allow a sleepover on my time.

I'm just as much the parent, and can make sound parental decisions when it comes to my kids' health and safety.... and he's just as much the kid's parent as she is, and is just as capable of making sound decisions as to the child's health and safety. He doesn't need her permission to allow a sleepover at the grandparents.

This isn't a parental debate.

I added this to my comment after I posted:

"My suggestion would be to suck it up and tell Biomom where the reception will be held and ask her to pick up SS as a favor to you both (it is a favor because weekends are your FI's responsibility). Then hire a security guard if she tries to crash. My guess is she may already know where the reception will be - either by word of mouth or through your wedding website."

If weekends are your FI's responsibility, he should ask his ex to do him a favor and pick SS up. Otherwise, you either have to ask her to keep him (and he won't be at any part) or keep him all evening per the custody agreement. You are getting into very dangerous territory by acting like Biomom shouldn't know that SS is seeing her parents. This isn't a random sleepover. You are specifically going behind her back and lying by omission.

YES. This. Please.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

Ro041 said:

VADI said:

Ro041 said:

VADI said:

lol, this is confusing to explain.

FI has his son each weekend, usually. However, the night of our wedding, we plan to have SS go back to his mom's, unless grandparents take him from us at the wedding and keep him overnight.

Anyone babysitting would mean that either the kid has to go back to his mom's, or we keep him with us and take him to his mom's ourselves.

Selfishly, I don't want to have ANYTHING to do with having to take care of SS's needs on my wedding night, and I WILL resent getting stuck with him that night. I know that sounds heartless... but I don't mean it like that. Love him to bits... but I don't want a 4 year old cramping our sexytime.

I don't mind hiring someone to take him there, but his mom will have a fit. She's... particular...about her child.

Wait....you think she is going have a fit if a stranger drives him home, so the alternative is to have his grandparents, who she doesn't want seeing him (for whatever reason), drive him to their home and keep him overnight?? If I were Biomom, I would flip my sh*t if I found out that someone other than one of his parents was keeping him overnight. Good Lord.

Your FI needs to have the uncomfortable conversation with his ex about the care of their son on the night of your wedding.

I know, 6 of one half a dozen of the other...

but... he's spent the night at his grandparents before. We're not sure what's going on between the mom and her parents, but we've only had it mentioned in passing to us by the grandparents, not the mom herself.

If SS sleeps over at his grandparents place, the mom may never even know.

And no, neither of us feel that the mom should be made aware, either. It's none of her business, really. That might seem harsh, but what occurs in the daily life of FI is no concern of hers. The wedding will be on a weekend. That's FI's time, anyway, the kid would normally sleep in our home anyway.

I don't let my kids' father know each and every time I allow a sleepover on my time.

I'm just as much the parent, and can make sound parental decisions when it comes to my kids' health and safety.... and he's just as much the kid's parent as she is, and is just as capable of making sound decisions as to the child's health and safety. He doesn't need her permission to allow a sleepover at the grandparents.

This isn't a parental debate.

I added this to my comment after I posted:

"My suggestion would be to suck it up and tell Biomom where the reception will be held and ask her to pick up SS as a favor to you both (it is a favor because weekends are your FI's responsibility). Then hire a security guard if she tries to crash. My guess is she may already know where the reception will be - either by word of mouth or through your wedding website."

If weekends are your FI's responsibility, he should ask his ex to do him a favor and pick SS up. Otherwise, you either have to ask her to keep him (and he won't be at any part) or keep him all evening per the custody agreement. You are getting into very dangerous territory by acting like Biomom shouldn't know that SS is seeing her parents. This isn't a random sleepover. You are specifically going behind her back and lying by omission.

I saw your additional comment.

Weekends are his responsibility, yes. However, there's nothing in the custody order that requires the kid to be 100% with the parent during their custody time.

We're not going behind her back, she never said anything about it to FI to begin with.

I think many of you are missing the part in my original post that indicated FI maintained a decent relationship with her parents...but that it kinda dropped off after him and I started dating...

He was visiting with them before... it's not like he's only visiting them now to spite her. She knew about it then, why would she all of a sudden forget that he was still occasionally social with her parents?

Like I said, he hasn't interacted with them MUCH since he began dating me. But he was still interacting with them here and there.

If she didn't want him to see her parents, she could have said so, at any time.

STARMOON44 · March 2017

That's a whole bundle of excuses that don't mean anything to me. And his contact with them dropped off when you started dating which to my mind is normal and appropriate. They are her parents! Not his. And he shouldn't be meddling in that realationship.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

Yes, it's normal and appropriate to me too.

But... in the end, it's his parental decisions, and I can't do anything but support him and try to convince him to do something differently if I feel he should... can't make him, though.

Gotta play the hand I was dealt.

LondonLisa · March 2017

Look, life isn't always tidy. I get that you WANT to have your wedding night just you two, but it looks like unless the mother is willing to pick up the child, you two will have to watch them. I don't understand being resentful of a child for this.

If you are old enough to have a child, you are old enough to recognise that you can wait one night for sexy time. It's one bloody night, so I don't understand at all you throwing your toys out of the pram about this, especially if it's the only way the child can be at the wedding.

Your fi and this child are a package deal. You can't get involved and negotiate anything that will come between this child's bio parents wishes.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

Because everyone wants to be stuck with a kid on their wedding night, I'm sure.

I'm not having the kid with us on the wedding night. That's not negotiable.

They're a package deal, of course, but I'm not marrying the kid.

redoryx · March 2017

VADI said:

Can you not get the mom's input on a babysitter for that evening; someone she trusts? If you go with her recommendation, you go a long way in helping your FI to develope a good co-parenting relationship with his ex.

If the mom had any recommendations to give, sure. She's not the type to leave her kid with anyone. Or go out anywhere. Or have friends. She's fun.

You don't have to like her -- which is good as you obviously don't -- but she's the mom in this and you do have to show her some respect when it comes to the way she wants to raise her child.

Stop throwing so much shade around.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

Oh I don't disagree with you that I have to show her respect... but she's not THE parent... she's ONE of the kids' TWO parents.

How she wants to raise her child is not more important than how the kid's DAD wants to raise his child... and he will raise him how he wants to when the child is with him. I will support him on that.

LondonLisa · March 2017

VADI said:

Because everyone wants to be stuck with a kid on their wedding night, I'm sure.

I'm not having the kid with us on the wedding night. That's not negotiable.

They're a package deal, of course, but I'm not marrying the kid.

I just find it, frankly, pathetic that an allegedly grown woman couldn't wait one night because it's more important that the child is at the wedding. Marriage is about compromise, and sometimes you dont get what you want. It's one fucking night. Have sex the night before and the night after. Recognise it's more important for the child to attend and how important that is to your fi.

Have your 'wedding night' the following night. Laugh it off that sometimes life gets in the way of best made plans and this is what it is like to be a proper parent. How many special things are 'ruined' because of kids. If you are going to be bitter and resentful, I think you should reevaluate if you want to be with your fi, because it's not fair to this child.

I also find your contempt and usage of 'the kid' really disgusting. You aren't 17 waiting to lose your virginity. It's a casual wedding that is blending families. Act like it.

banana468 · March 2017

How difficult is it to have sex with a kid in the house? You know married people do that all the time right?

STARMOON44 · March 2017

I think it's completely fine and understandable to not want to have to take care of his son on your wedding night, I just think he needs to discuss this with her. Ask her if she'd rather the kid stay with xyz babysitter you've used many times and trust, or if she'd rather take the kid herself that night. He has to have these conversations.

kaos16 · March 2017

There is so much lying by omission going on here, it isn't even funny. "well, she never brought up where her kid would be sleeping so we don't have to tell her." "she never specifically said she doesn't want him with the grandparents, so we don't have to tell her", etc.

I feel like this whole thing is bound to blow up in an epic fashion, and I won't feel bad for you when it does. Even if you don't like this woman, there is no reason she shouldn't be treated with respect. Clearly she meant something to your FI at some point in time, and she will be part of your life as long as you are with FI for at least another 14 years because of that innocent trial that you are putting in the middle of all this.

Lastly, this child is 4 years old. . . . his mother has a right to know where he is sleeping every single night!!!!

LondonLisa · March 2017

STARMOON44 said:

I think it's completely fine and understandable to not want to have to take care of his son on your wedding night, I just think he needs to discuss this with her. Ask her if she'd rather the kid stay with xyz babysitter you've used many times and trust, or if she'd rather take the kid herself that night. He has to have these conversations.

I completely understand not wanting to, but I also think if the mum says no, they need to take it in stride and deal with it like adults . Bitterness and resentfulness should never enter the picture

lnixon8 · March 2017

I feel bad for this little boy. His new step mom is going on internet forums to complain about not wanting to take care of him, being in the same house as him, don't want her won kids to have their night ruined by him, want him to go home once he becomes a pain in the butt...

Anyways, can you and your husband drop him off at bio Moms house after the wedding? Or what about any of your husbands family members or friends? Why is the only acceptable caregiver/driver bio moms estranged parents?

banana468 · March 2017

Also, as others said OP needs to have a talk with her FI. She's not stuck here. She's involved and needs to speak up.

As a parent, I'd be HIGHLY upset if I ever entrusted my children to be cared for by anyone only to find out that they made changes without my consent.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

Listen - all you bitching about what FI should or shouldn't do, should take it up with him. How he deals with his ex is NOT up to me.

We're not going home after the wedding. We're spending the night in a hotel room. I'm not complaining about having to take care of him, I'm asking for advice on HOW he should be taken care of, on a night where both FI and I will have tons of other things to do than entertain a 4 year old. My kids are older. They don't require supervision. They're teenagers.

Neither of us want him with us overnight on that night. Period. That's not changing. If our only option is to drop him off at her place after the reception, so be it... but we're looking for alternatives.

I really don't understand the holier than thou attitude of some of these posts.

Ya'll can think what you like about their dynamic... and that she deserves respect... ok. Did she deserve respect when she became FI's week long fling 5 years ago? Did she deserve respect when they weren't in a relationship? Did she deserve respect when she tried to trap FI and he didn't want her?

He made the best of the situation at the time, and takes good care of his son. We BOTH do. He's not mine, but I treat him like my own. He's in my home nearly every day. He's in my home every weekend.

Does she deserve respect when she insists the child is not left with me if FI has an errand to run, but instead demands to be told so that she can have him during that time, even if it's for 15 minutes? Does she deserve respect when she demands to be given a full report on what the child has eaten all weekend? Did she deserve respect when she showed up at my door demanding to take a look around the house, to make sure it was safe?

Did she deserve respect when she cussed out FI when she found out he was dating me? Did she deserve respect when she calls on a Saturday morning at 7am to say goodmorning to her son, despite having been asked repeatedly not to call before 9am? And then again at noon, to make sure he takes his nap? And again around 7 to make sure FI has put him to bed on time?

Does she deserve respect when she drops him off without warning because she's tired? Did she deserve respect when she crashed our Christmas dinner claiming she needed to take the kid over to her sisters to open some gifts, right away?

There's respect... then there's respect. She is owed the knowledge that the child's FATHER is taking care of him. She is NOT owed the details of our every day life, not if it doesn't have anything to do with the child's welfare.

FI and her do not communicate except for what has to do with the child, and it's minimally at that. They coordinate pick up and drop off. They speak of medical issues when they come up. They speak of daycare issues.

Anything else, FI ignores her incessant texts and calls. She doesn't need to know what the child had for dinner. She doesn't need to text to tell him to put a scarf on the kid.

She doesn't get to order FI around, and she certainly doesn't get to order me around.

She doesn't let him know when she's visiting someone, why should he?

She didn't even let him know when the kid changed daycares. FI found that out after the fact. She could, and should, have at least told him if she wasn't going to discuss it with him like the custody order states she was required to.

There is no right of first refusal in the custody order. If there was, this would be much simpler.

This isn't a parenting debate about what FI is doing right or wrong as a parent, and it isn't a debate about how he should be engaging with his ex. This is a friggen wedding advice board, not a parenting slamming party, so knock it off.

DrillSergeantCat · March 2017

banana468 said:

How difficult is it to have sex with a kid in the house? You know married people do that all the time right?

I make mine go sit in the back yard. That's not normal?

Totally in agreement with @LondonLisa about your usage of "the kid" unless that's his nickname. You aren't marrying him, but he will be a major part of your life and you're treating him like an inconvenience. How would you feel if your FI spoke of your children like this?

As for your original question, you should never invite someone to your wedding with the sole purpose of making them work. If you or your FI want them there, then invite them. Otherwise, don't.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

I call him Kid at home, or Kiddo. I call my kids that, too. It's not meant to disrespect him.

flantastic · March 2017

To the comment, "If you didn't want your kid seeing person(s), wouldn't you let your co-parent know?" - I mean, maybe, if you had a reasonable expectation that these people would already be seeing said co-parent in the normal course of things. I can understand where bio-mom wouldn't think to tell your FI specifically about her parents, because:

a) her parents weren't really in the habit of interacting with your FI, so why should she need to mention them specifically, and
b) if someone who was clearly connected to the child through her reached out to him because she wasn't allowing them to see him, the proper response she should have expected was "I am not getting in the middle of this or putting SS in the middle of this, you need to work it out with her."

She wasn't expecting all of you to go behind her back, so she didn't feel the need to tell him not to do that.

You need to clear this shit up before the wedding, and if your FI's parental responsibilities get in the way of your ideal wedding night, you can't resent a 4 year old for that. You deal and you move on.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

banana468 said:

Also, as others said OP needs to have a talk with her FI. She's not stuck here. She's involved and needs to speak up.

As a parent, I'd be HIGHLY upset if I ever entrusted my children to be cared for by anyone only to find out that they made changes without my consent.

She's not "entrusting" her child to FI. He's his father, and doesn't need her consent, just as she doesn't need his.

flantastic · March 2017

VADI said:

Listen - all you bitching about what FI should or shouldn't do, should take it up with him. How he deals with his ex is NOT up to me.

We're not going home after the wedding. We're spending the night in a hotel room. I'm not complaining about having to take care of him, I'm asking for advice on HOW he should be taken care of, on a night where both FI and I will have tons of other things to do than entertain a 4 year old. My kids are older. They don't require supervision. They're teenagers.

Neither of us want him with us overnight on that night. Period. That's not changing. If our only option is to drop him off at her place after the reception, so be it... but we're looking for alternatives.

I really don't understand the holier than thou attitude of some of these posts.

Ya'll can think what you like about their dynamic... and that she deserves respect... ok. Did she deserve respect when she became FI's week long fling 5 years ago? Did she deserve respect when they weren't in a relationship? Did she deserve respect when she tried to trap FI and he didn't want her?

He made the best of the situation at the time, and takes good care of his son. We BOTH do. He's not mine, but I treat him like my own. He's in my home nearly every day. He's in my home every weekend.

Does she deserve respect when she insists the child is not left with me if FI has an errand to run, but instead demands to be told so that she can have him during that time, even if it's for 15 minutes? Does she deserve respect when she demands to be given a full report on what the child has eaten all weekend? Did she deserve respect when she showed up at my door demanding to take a look around the house, to make sure it was safe?

Did she deserve respect when she cussed out FI when she found out he was dating me? Did she deserve respect when she calls on a Saturday morning at 7am to say goodmorning to her son, despite having been asked repeatedly not to call before 9am? And then again at noon, to make sure he takes his nap? And again around 7 to make sure FI has put him to bed on time?

Does she deserve respect when she drops him off without warning because she's tired? Did she deserve respect when she crashed our Christmas dinner claiming she needed to take the kid over to her sisters to open some gifts, right away?

There's respect... then there's respect. She is owed the knowledge that the child's FATHER is taking care of him. She is NOT owed the details of our every day life, not if it doesn't have anything to do with the child's welfare.

FI and her do not communicate except for what has to do with the child, and it's minimally at that. They coordinate pick up and drop off. They speak of medical issues when they come up. They speak of daycare issues.

Anything else, FI ignores her incessant texts and calls. She doesn't need to know what the child had for dinner. She doesn't need to text to tell him to put a scarf on the kid.

She doesn't get to order FI around, and she certainly doesn't get to order me around.

She doesn't let him know when she's visiting someone, why should he?

She didn't even let him know when the kid changed daycares. FI found that out after the fact. She could, and should, have at least told him if she wasn't going to discuss it with him like the custody order states she was required to.

There is no right of first refusal in the custody order. If there was, this would be much simpler.

This isn't a parenting debate about what FI is doing right or wrong as a parent, and it isn't a debate about how he should be engaging with his ex. This is a friggen wedding advice board, not a parenting slamming party, so knock it off.

This is not parent slamming, this is marriage advice.

And yes, despite your opinion of her, she deserves respect.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

flantastic said:

To the comment, "If you didn't want your kid seeing person(s), wouldn't you let your co-parent know?" - I mean, maybe, if you had a reasonable expectation that these people would already be seeing said co-parent in the normal course of things. I can understand where bio-mom wouldn't think to tell your FI specifically about her parents, because:

a) her parents we're really in the habit of interacting with your FI, so why should she need to mention them specifically, and
b) if someone who was clearly connected to the child through her reached out to him because she wasn't allowing them to see him, the proper response she should have expected was "I am not getting in the middle of this or putting SS in the middle of this, you need to work it out with her."

She wasn't expecting all of you to go behind her back, so she didn't feel the need to tell him not to do that.

You need to clear this shit up before the wedding, and if your FI's parental responsibilities get in the way of your ideal wedding night, you can't resent a 4 year old for that. You deal and you move on.

Up until we started dating, he was seeing them once a week.

When we started dating, he continued seeing them every few weeks... as we got more serious, he was seeing them maybe once a month.

So yes, she knew he was still seeing them socially.

climbingsingle · March 2017

VADI said:

Listen - all you bitching about what FI should or shouldn't do, should take it up with him. How he deals with his ex is NOT up to me.

We're not going home after the wedding. We're spending the night in a hotel room. I'm not complaining about having to take care of him, I'm asking for advice on HOW he should be taken care of, on a night where both FI and I will have tons of other things to do than entertain a 4 year old. My kids are older. They don't require supervision. They're teenagers.

Neither of us want him with us overnight on that night. Period. That's not changing. If our only option is to drop him off at her place after the reception, so be it... but we're looking for alternatives.

I really don't understand the holier than thou attitude of some of these posts.

Ya'll can think what you like about their dynamic... and that she deserves respect... ok. Did she deserve respect when she became FI's week long fling 5 years ago? Did she deserve respect when they weren't in a relationship? Did she deserve respect when she tried to trap FI and he didn't want her?

He made the best of the situation at the time, and takes good care of his son. We BOTH do. He's not mine, but I treat him like my own. He's in my home nearly every day. He's in my home every weekend.

Does she deserve respect when she insists the child is not left with me if FI has an errand to run, but instead demands to be told so that she can have him during that time, even if it's for 15 minutes? Does she deserve respect when she demands to be given a full report on what the child has eaten all weekend? Did she deserve respect when she showed up at my door demanding to take a look around the house, to make sure it was safe?

Did she deserve respect when she cussed out FI when she found out he was dating me? Did she deserve respect when she calls on a Saturday morning at 7am to say goodmorning to her son, despite having been asked repeatedly not to call before 9am? And then again at noon, to make sure he takes his nap? And again around 7 to make sure FI has put him to bed on time?

Does she deserve respect when she drops him off without warning because she's tired? Did she deserve respect when she crashed our Christmas dinner claiming she needed to take the kid over to her sisters to open some gifts, right away?

There's respect... then there's respect. She is owed the knowledge that the child's FATHER is taking care of him. She is NOT owed the details of our every day life, not if it doesn't have anything to do with the child's welfare.

FI and her do not communicate except for what has to do with the child, and it's minimally at that. They coordinate pick up and drop off. They speak of medical issues when they come up. They speak of daycare issues.

Anything else, FI ignores her incessant texts and calls. She doesn't need to know what the child had for dinner. She doesn't need to text to tell him to put a scarf on the kid.

She doesn't get to order FI around, and she certainly doesn't get to order me around.

She doesn't let him know when she's visiting someone, why should he?

She didn't even let him know when the kid changed daycares. FI found that out after the fact. She could, and should, have at least told him if she wasn't going to discuss it with him like the custody order states she was required to.

There is no right of first refusal in the custody order. If there was, this would be much simpler.

This isn't a parenting debate about what FI is doing right or wrong as a parent, and it isn't a debate about how he should be engaging with his ex. This is a friggen wedding advice board, not a parenting slamming party, so knock it off.

Holy fucking shit. You need to slow your roll. I didn't even finish reading your post, because basically all you're doing is slut-shaming this woman. How utterly disgusting. Your words are vile. Listen, your FI obviously chose to have sex with this woman. It resulted in a child. He has culpability as much as she does. To post this nonsense here - seriously. Kick rocks.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

it's no more nonsense that the shaming attempts going on about how I don't want to take care of a kid on my wedding night if I don't have to.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

flantastic said:

This is not parent slamming, this is marriage advice.

And yes, despite your opinion of her, she deserves respect.

I give her the respect she deserves, much more than she's ever shown me.

I'm not looking for marriage advice. I'm looking for advice on whether or not we should invite these grandparents to the wedding, with the understanding they take the kid home with them later into the evening.

It's really a simple yes or no... no analyzing of their relationship necessary.

banana468 · March 2017

VADI said:

Listen - all you bitching about what FI should or shouldn't do, should take it up with him. How he deals with his ex is NOT up to me.

It's up to your when it involves you. They have a custody agreement and how you allow this to happen can mean that you can be implicated in any issues brought up with an attorney. You're a grown woman. Stand up for yourself when you know he's doing something that will create future friction.

We're not going home after the wedding. We're spending the night in a hotel room. I'm not complaining about having to take care of him, I'm asking for advice on HOW he should be taken care of, on a night where both FI and I will have tons of other things to do than entertain a 4 year old. My kids are older. They don't require supervision. They're teenagers.

Neither of us want him with us overnight on that night. Period. That's not changing. If our only option is to drop him off at her place after the reception, so be it... but we're looking for alternatives.

I really don't understand the holier than thou attitude of some of these posts.

Ya'll can think what you like about their dynamic... and that she deserves respect... ok. Did she deserve respect when she became FI's week long fling 5 years ago? Did she deserve respect when they weren't in a relationship? Did she deserve respect when she tried to trap FI and he didn't want her?

Unless she miraculously became in possession of his ejaculate then yes, she deserves respect. Did your FI not understand how babies can be made? I assume that they engaged in the fling as mutual partners. She is the mother of his child and deserves the respect of a fellow co-parent. A parent who respects another will have a child who respects him.

He made the best of the situation at the time, and takes good care of his son. We BOTH do. He's not mine, but I treat him like my own. He's in my home nearly every day. He's in my home every weekend.

Does she deserve respect when she insists the child is not left with me if FI has an errand to run, but instead demands to be told so that she can have him during that time, even if it's for 15 minutes? Does she deserve respect when she demands to be given a full report on what the child has eaten all weekend? Did she deserve respect when she showed up at my door demanding to take a look around the house, to make sure it was safe?

These are all aspects that should be brought up as part of the custody arrangement. All of them. SHE is the mother of the child. Until she's told that she's not allowed to do things then she's entitled to know exactly what's going on when her 4 yo isn't with her.

Did she deserve respect when she cussed out FI when she found out he was dating me? Did she deserve respect when she calls on a Saturday morning at 7am to say goodmorning to her son, despite having been asked repeatedly not to call before 9am? And then again at noon, to make sure he takes his nap? And again around 7 to make sure FI has put him to bed on time?

Again, this all smacks of not having a custody arrangement that is beneficial to the child OR both parties. FFS - tell your FI to get a good lawyer.

Does she deserve respect when she drops him off without warning because she's tired? Did she deserve respect when she crashed our Christmas dinner claiming she needed to take the kid over to her sisters to open some gifts, right away?

Did your FI and that woman not come up for air to talk during that week? FFS.

There's respect... then there's respect. She is owed the knowledge that the child's FATHER is taking care of him. She is NOT owed the details of our every day life, not if it doesn't have anything to do with the child's welfare.

If she has an issue with people in her life then she's entitled to say who she doesn't want with the child. That's her right as a mom.

FI and her do not communicate except for what has to do with the child, and it's minimally at that. They coordinate pick up and drop off. They speak of medical issues when they come up. They speak of daycare issues.

Anything else, FI ignores her incessant texts and calls. She doesn't need to know what the child had for dinner. She doesn't need to text to tell him to put a scarf on the kid.

She doesn't get to order FI around, and she certainly doesn't get to order me around.

She doesn't let him know when she's visiting someone, why should he?

She didn't even let him know when the kid changed daycares. FI found that out after the fact. She could, and should, have at least told him if she wasn't going to discuss it with him like the custody order states she was required to.

There is no right of first refusal in the custody order. If there was, this would be much simpler.

This isn't a parenting debate about what FI is doing right or wrong as a parent, and it isn't a debate about how he should be engaging with his ex. This is a friggen wedding advice board, not a parenting slamming party, so knock it off.

See bolded for answers.

Your FI needs to get his shit together and draft a custody arrangement that makes far more sense than it currently does. And you need to understand how these things work if you're already a parent of teenagers.

This is an advice board and many of us are married and now parents and see major red flags in how you, your FI and his son's mom are behaving. If you have any hope of that four year old turning out OK then get a lawyer and a family counselor because right now, how all of you are behaving is making all of you look like you are in high school.

DrillSergeantCat · March 2017

VADI said:

Listen - all you bitching about what FI should or shouldn't do, should take it up with him. How he deals with his ex is NOT up to me.

We're not going home after the wedding. We're spending the night in a hotel room. I'm not complaining about having to take care of him, I'm asking for advice on HOW he should be taken care of, on a night where both FI and I will have tons of other things to do than entertain a 4 year old. My kids are older. They don't require supervision. They're teenagers.

Neither of us want him with us overnight on that night. Period. That's not changing. If our only option is to drop him off at her place after the reception, so be it... but we're looking for alternatives.

I really don't understand the holier than thou attitude of some of these posts.

Ya'll can think what you like about their dynamic... and that she deserves respect... ok. Did she deserve respect when she became FI's week long fling 5 years ago? Yes. Did she deserve respect when they weren't in a relationship? Yes. Did she deserve respect when she tried to trap FI and he didn't want her? Yes.

He made the best of the situation at the time, and takes good care of his son. We BOTH do. He's not mine, but I treat him like my own. He's in my home nearly every day. He's in my home every weekend.

Does she deserve respect when she insists the child is not left with me if FI has an errand to run, but instead demands to be told so that she can have him during that time, even if it's for 15 minutes? Yes and it makes me wonder why she doesn't want her son alone with you. Does she deserve respect when she demands to be given a full report on what the child has eaten all weekend? Yes, I want to know what my child eats when he's in the care of others. Did she deserve respect when she showed up at my door demanding to take a look around the house, to make sure it was safe? Yes, I like to know that my children are in a safe environment. She should have arranged a time, but I'm guessing she tried and was ignored.

Did she deserve respect when she cussed out FI when she found out he was dating me? Probably not. Did she deserve respect when she calls on a Saturday morning at 7am to say goodmorning to her son, despite having been asked repeatedly not to call before 9am? Yes and turn the phone off until you're ready to receive calls. And then again at noon, to make sure he takes his nap? Yes. And again around 7 to make sure FI has put him to bed on time? Yes.

Does she deserve respect when she drops him off without warning because she's tired? Yes, you know being a mother is tiring and again I'm guessing you ignore her calls. Did she deserve respect when she crashed our Christmas dinner claiming she needed to take the kid over to her sisters to open some gifts, right away? Yes and again I'm assuming she tried to make arrangements and was ignored.

There's respect... then there's respect. She is owed the knowledge that the child's FATHER is taking care of him. She is NOT owed the details of our every day life, not if it doesn't have anything to do with the child's welfare. Where he resides, what he eats, and how he's taken care of are, in fact, the child's welfare. Is she over the top about it? Sure, but that doesn't make her the villain here.

FI and her do not communicate except for what has to do with the child, and it's minimally at that. They coordinate pick up and drop off. They speak of medical issues when they come up. They speak of daycare issues.

Anything else, FI ignores her incessant texts and calls. She doesn't need to know what the child had for dinner. She doesn't need to text to tell him to put a scarf on the kid.

She doesn't get to order FI around, and she certainly doesn't get to order me around.

She doesn't let him know when she's visiting someone, why should he?

She didn't even let him know when the kid changed daycares. FI found that out after the fact. She could, and should, have at least told him if she wasn't going to discuss it with him like the custody order states she was required to.

There is no right of first refusal in the custody order. If there was, this would be much simpler.

This isn't a parenting debate about what FI is doing right or wrong as a parent, and it isn't a debate about how he should be engaging with his ex. This is a friggen wedding advice board, not a parenting slamming party, so knock it off.

Bold mine.

greeninspring · March 2017

You want wedding advice. Here is what I think is the general consensus of most:

1. Do not invite biomoms parents to the wedding with the sole purpose of babysitting SS

2. You and your FI can drop SS off at biomoms house after wedding
OR

3. Have biomom come pick up SS from wedding at a specific time. If you're worried about her crashing, hire security.
OR

4. Don't have SS at wedding at all.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

DrillSergeantCat said:

VADI said:

Does she deserve respect when she insists the child is not left with me if FI has an errand to run, but instead demands to be told so that she can have him during that time, even if it's for 15 minutes? Yes and it makes me wonder why she doesn't want her son alone with you.

Because she doesn't "know me". Fair enough - but she doesn't get to give an interview for the role of FI's new partner. It's not just me - FI used to live with another guy, roomate... long time friend... it was like that then, too, for leaving the kid with the roomate while dad ran to the store to get something real quick.

Does she deserve respect when she demands to be given a full report on what the child has eaten all weekend? Yes, I want to know what my child eats when he's in the care of others.

Do you harass your child's father about it, or do you trust that he feeds your child normal, decent food, when he's the one your child is with? Are you controlling enough that you NEED to know EVERY SINGLE THING your child's father feeds your child...or is your child's father a terrible enough father that you don't trust him?

Did she deserve respect when she showed up at my door demanding to take a look around the house, to make sure it was safe? Yes, I like to know that my children are in a safe environment. She should have arranged a time, but I'm guessing she tried and was ignored.

Why is she entitled to look around MY house? If your child's father takes your child out somewhere, do you feel the need to go make sure where he's taking him is decent enough for your child to be in, or do you trust your child's father to make sure his son is in a safe environment?

Did she deserve respect when she cussed out FI when she found out he was dating me? Probably not.

No. Especially not that she called him a bunch of names, in front of the child.

Did she deserve respect when she calls on a Saturday morning at 7am to say goodmorning to her son, despite having been asked repeatedly not to call before 9am? Yes and turn the phone off until you're ready to receive calls. And then again at noon, to make sure he takes his nap? Yes. And again around 7 to make sure FI has put him to bed on time? Yes.

We do turn the phone off, now. The custody order states one phone call from the other parent, at a pre-determined time, if the parent who doesn't have him overnight wishes to speak to the child.

Does she deserve respect when she drops him off without warning because she's tired? Yes, you know being a mother is tiring and again I'm guessing you ignore her calls.

She doesn't get to dictate when FI has custody. The custody order does that. She refuses FI to bring the kid back early/late because she points to the custody order... but she doesn't need to follow it? No, just no. She can't dump SS on FI just because she feels like it, just like FI can't refuse to take the kid when he's got other obligations. Even when he has to work, she makes him figure it out... why can't she?

Did she deserve respect when she crashed our Christmas dinner claiming she needed to take the kid over to her sisters to open some gifts, right away? Yes and again I'm assuming she tried to make arrangements and was ignored.

You're assuming incorrectly. The custody order is very specific in terms of Holidays. On even years, the father has the child from 8pm Christmas eve, to noon December 26th. On odd years, the mother does. She did not call, text, nothing - she just showed up and demanded SS be handed over. FI told her no, as per custody order. She didn't like that.

There's respect... then there's respect. She is owed the knowledge that the child's FATHER is taking care of him. She is NOT owed the details of our every day life, not if it doesn't have anything to do with the child's welfare. Where he resides, what he eats, and how he's taken care of are, in fact, the child's welfare. Is she over the top about it? Sure, but that doesn't make her the villain here.

She's definitely over the top about it.

Bold mine.

Italics for me.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

banana468 see my response to @DrillSergeantCat above.

to invite or not to invite

Re: to invite or not to invite

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