to invite or not to invite

greeninspring · March 2017

Dear lord, this poor child

I hope this co-parenting relationship improves for his sake.. hope you have time to work on this dynamic before the wedding

DrillSergeantCat · March 2017

VADI said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

VADI said:

Does she deserve respect when she insists the child is not left with me if FI has an errand to run, but instead demands to be told so that she can have him during that time, even if it's for 15 minutes? Yes and it makes me wonder why she doesn't want her son alone with you.

Because she doesn't "know me". Fair enough - but she doesn't get to give an interview for the role of FI's new partner. It's not just me - FI used to live with another guy, roomate... long time friend... it was like that then, too, for leaving the kid with the roomate while dad ran to the store to get something real quick.

Does she deserve respect when she demands to be given a full report on what the child has eaten all weekend? Yes, I want to know what my child eats when he's in the care of others.

Do you harass your child's father about it, or do you trust that he feeds your child normal, decent food, when he's the one your child is with? Are you controlling enough that you NEED to know EVERY SINGLE THING your child's father feeds your child...or is your child's father a terrible enough father that you don't trust him?

Did she deserve respect when she showed up at my door demanding to take a look around the house, to make sure it was safe? Yes, I like to know that my children are in a safe environment. She should have arranged a time, but I'm guessing she tried and was ignored.

Why is she entitled to look around MY house? If your child's father takes your child out somewhere, do you feel the need to go make sure where he's taking him is decent enough for your child to be in, or do you trust your child's father to make sure his son is in a safe environment?

Did she deserve respect when she cussed out FI when she found out he was dating me? Probably not.

No. Especially not that she called him a bunch of names, in front of the child.

Did she deserve respect when she calls on a Saturday morning at 7am to say goodmorning to her son, despite having been asked repeatedly not to call before 9am? Yes and turn the phone off until you're ready to receive calls. And then again at noon, to make sure he takes his nap? Yes. And again around 7 to make sure FI has put him to bed on time? Yes.

We do turn the phone off, now. The custody order states one phone call from the other parent, at a pre-determined time, if the parent who doesn't have him overnight wishes to speak to the child.

Does she deserve respect when she drops him off without warning because she's tired? Yes, you know being a mother is tiring and again I'm guessing you ignore her calls.

She doesn't get to dictate when FI has custody. The custody order does that. She refuses FI to bring the kid back early/late because she points to the custody order... but she doesn't need to follow it? No, just no. She can't dump SS on FI just because she feels like it, just like FI can't refuse to take the kid when he's got other obligations. Even when he has to work, she makes him figure it out... why can't she?

Did she deserve respect when she crashed our Christmas dinner claiming she needed to take the kid over to her sisters to open some gifts, right away? Yes and again I'm assuming she tried to make arrangements and was ignored.

You're assuming incorrectly. The custody order is very specific in terms of Holidays. On even years, the father has the child from 8pm Christmas eve, to noon December 26th. On odd years, the mother does. She did not call, text, nothing - she just showed up and demanded SS be handed over. FI told her no, as per custody order. She didn't like that.

There's respect... then there's respect. She is owed the knowledge that the child's FATHER is taking care of him. She is NOT owed the details of our every day life, not if it doesn't have anything to do with the child's welfare. Where he resides, what he eats, and how he's taken care of are, in fact, the child's welfare. Is she over the top about it? Sure, but that doesn't make her the villain here.

She's definitely over the top about it.

Bold mine.

Italics for me.

Someone has said numerous times that it's time to talk to an attorney. Take that advice since she's straying from the custody agreement.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

I don't disagree with you there.... but it doesn't help the wedding advice part..

[Deleted User] · March 2017

greeninspring said:

Dear lord, this poor child

I hope this co-parenting relationship improves for his sake.. hope you have time to work on this dynamic before the wedding

I don't disagree.

We try and give the kid as stable an environment as we can. He's with us 3 mandated days a week - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - from daycare pickup to drop off at mom's at 7:45pm, with bathtime already done. He's more often than not with us on Thursdays as well... and sleeps over on Friday and Saturday nights. Sunday drop off at his mom's is 7:30pm.

The mom takes the kid to daycare for 7:30am Monday through Friday.

When does mom spend time with the kid, I ask?

There's no co-parenting involved... DAD parents. Mom puts the kid to bed and takes him to daycare.

banana468 · March 2017

VADI said:

I don't disagree with you there.... but it doesn't help the wedding advice part..

Actually it does.

You need to talk to the attorney anyway as you're going to legally be the SM. This means that your relationship with SS is changing from the GF of his father to someone in a legal binding relationship. I'd recommend that they revisit any aspects of it now so that there are no surprises to either side once you wake up from the no kid in the house sex.

Finally, I do not recommend inviting the parents of SS to the wedding and I highly recommend that you document in writing what your plans for SS are to the mother.

Furthermore, once you DO talk to the lawyer, I recommend that you all agree to the terms and make sure that you and your FI/ DH are squeaky clean.

levioosa · March 2017

Holy fucking shit. I hope you have a good divorce lawyer picked out, because when FI figures out the contempt and disregard you have for his child things are going to go to shit.

I don't even have a kid yet and I can't even believe you said "where the kid spends the night is none of biomom's business." Are. You. Fucking. Me. It is absolutely her business where her child sleeps. It is absolutely her business to make sure he is in a safe environment. It is her business to call and check up on him. She might not be super awesome, but it doesn't sound like you are either. You sound selfish. You sound entitled. You don't sound like you are ready to enter into a comped co-parenting situation. You're making so many fucking excuses and, spoiler alert, excuses won't hold up in a court of law.

And, maybe biomom is acting petty with her parents. Sure. That could totally be happening. Or maybe it's something deeper that she doesn't feel like shouting from the roof tops. You know how many people I know who won't talk to their parents because of overlooked abuse? It's more than a couple. But it's not like you've ever given her the opportunity to build a trusting relationship with you because you're so fucking judgy. So, good luck with this whole lying thing. I'm sure it won't blow up in your or your FI's faces at all.

kaos16 · March 2017

DrillSergeantCat said:

banana468 said:

How difficult is it to have sex with a kid in the house? You know married people do that all the time right?

I make mine go sit in the back yard. That's not normal?

Totally in agreement with @LondonLisa about your usage of "the kid" unless that's his nickname. You aren't marrying him, but he will be a major part of your life and you're treating him like an inconvenience. How would you feel if your FI spoke of your children like this?

As for your original question, you should never invite someone to your wedding with the sole purpose of making them work. If you or your FI want them there, then invite them. Otherwise, don't.

@DrillSergeantCat, if I remember correctly your two little ones are about a year apart. . . . . Immaculate Conception, obviously

[Deleted User] · March 2017

banana468 said:

VADI said:

I don't disagree with you there.... but it doesn't help the wedding advice part..

Actually it does.

You need to talk to the attorney anyway as you're going to legally be the SM. This means that your relationship with SS is changing from the GF of his father to someone in a legal binding relationship. I'd recommend that they revisit any aspects of it now so that there are no surprises to either side once you wake up from the no kid in the house sex.

Finally, I do not recommend inviting the parents of SS to the wedding and I highly recommend that you document in writing what your plans for SS are to the mother.

Furthermore, once you DO talk to the lawyer, I recommend that you all agree to the terms and make sure that you and your FI/ DH are squeaky clean.

Any attorney FI has spoken to in the last few months (since we're getting married and she has been a thorn in our side to date, we don't want any surprises, as you said) has directed FI to follow the custody order to the letter, and to avoid/ignore the child's mother otherwise, unless it directly affects the child's welfare. Given how over the top she is, they did specify, yes, ridiculous things like whether the child has an apple or an orange not being her concern. Since she asked once what the kid had as a snack, he said Fruit... she went apeshit because he didn't specify what kind of fruit. That she should avoid telling him how to parent, and that he is fully within his rights to terminate the call or avoid responding to texts.

He's been told to document EVERYTHING. He holds records of text messages. Call history. Some recorded calls, even. Her texts to me, her calls to me, her emails to me... which she needs to direct to HIM, and I've told her that time and time again. That's my only response to her: "You need to communicate with FI about this."

Their dynamic is between them. She is not my ex, the custody order is not with me, and this child is not mine, I will not be paying child support. Yes - she actually demanded more money because of my income. Ain't happening, sista.

DrillSergeantCat · March 2017

kaos16 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

banana468 said:

How difficult is it to have sex with a kid in the house? You know married people do that all the time right?

I make mine go sit in the back yard. That's not normal?

Totally in agreement with @LondonLisa about your usage of "the kid" unless that's his nickname. You aren't marrying him, but he will be a major part of your life and you're treating him like an inconvenience. How would you feel if your FI spoke of your children like this?

As for your original question, you should never invite someone to your wedding with the sole purpose of making them work. If you or your FI want them there, then invite them. Otherwise, don't.

@DrillSergeantCat, if I remember correctly your two little ones are about a year apart. . . . . Immaculate Conception, obviously

NO, not immaculate conception. We make them go sit in the backyard. JK, don't call CPS! We shut the door and have sex. In the house. With our children there. GASP!!!

climbingsingle · March 2017

levioosa said:

Holy fucking shit. I hope you have a good divorce lawyer picked out, because when FI figures out the contempt and disregard you have for his child things are going to go to shit.

I don't even have a kid yet and I can't even believe you said "where the kid spends the night is none of biomom's business." Are. You. Fucking. Me. It is absolutely her business where her child sleeps. It is absolutely her business to make sure he is in a safe environment. It is her business to call and check up on him. She might not be super awesome, but it doesn't sound like you are either. You sound selfish. You sound entitled. You don't sound like you are ready to enter into a comped co-parenting situation. You're making so many fucking excuses and, spoiler alert, excuses won't hold up in a court of law.

And, maybe biomom is acting petty with her parents. Sure. That could totally be happening. Or maybe it's something deeper that she doesn't feel like shouting from the roof tops. You know how many people I know who won't talk to their parents because of overlooked abuse? It's more than a couple. But it's not like you've ever given her the opportunity to build a trusting relationship with you because you're so fucking judgy. So, good luck with this whole lying thing. I'm sure it won't blow up in your or your FI's faces at all.

Cosign to all of this.

She's a handful because she's particular about who watches her kid, and who drives her kid around? That's NORMAL. I'm not even a parent and I can tell you that. This has disaster written all over it. Good luck.

kimmiinthemitten · March 2017

My "wedding" advice: postpone until your FI and future step parent to your kids learns to how to co-parent and communicate. You're legally binding yourself to a shit show and I'd be extremely worried about marrying someone who thinks letting a 4 year old slip up is communicating.

There's going to be tough times in your marriage, is this how he will communicate when they happen with you too?

Also, if he has mandated parenting time, he has a court order - and that court typically spells out what happens if the bio parent isn't able to be with the child during their mandated time.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

levioosa said:

Holy fucking shit. I hope you have a good divorce lawyer picked out, because when FI figures out the contempt and disregard you have for his child things are going to go to shit.

I don't even have a kid yet and I can't even believe you said "where the kid spends the night is none of biomom's business." Are. You. Fucking. Me. It is absolutely her business where her child sleeps. It is absolutely her business to make sure he is in a safe environment. It is her business to call and check up on him. She might not be super awesome, but it doesn't sound like you are either. You sound selfish. You sound entitled. You don't sound like you are ready to enter into a comped co-parenting situation. You're making so many fucking excuses and, spoiler alert, excuses won't hold up in a court of law.

And, maybe biomom is acting petty with her parents. Sure. That could totally be happening. Or maybe it's something deeper that she doesn't feel like shouting from the roof tops. You know how many people I know who won't talk to their parents because of overlooked abuse? It's more than a couple. But it's not like you've ever given her the opportunity to build a trusting relationship with you because you're so fucking judgy. So, good luck with this whole lying thing. I'm sure it won't blow up in your or your FI's faces at all.

See... you have no experience. I do. I have children. I've been through a divorce. I was her. Not to the full extent of her dramatics, but like her... and like you, I felt I needed to know, because I was the mom and that was my child.

Let me tell you - when the JUDGE during one of our many court sessions said to me that I wasn't more important of a parent than the FATHER, and that I COULD NOT dictate what the father did on his court mandated time, that I WAS NOT ENTITLED to a play by play of the child's time with the father, since as a divorced parent with 50% custody and access - I gave up my rights to knowledge of the details of 50% of the child's time... as well as the "right" to know every single person in my child's life, including their father's girlfriend.

He said that what I WAS entitled to, were joint decisions about where the children were educated while they were minors, joint decisions as to the medical care they would receive while they were ninors, and joint decisions as to the religious path they would follow until they were no longer underage.

So you can get all high and mighty as you can, but you are not a parent, you are not divorced, you have not been through this... and you did not have the law tell you what's what.

You're entitled to your opinion, though.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

kimmiinthemitten said:

My "wedding" advice: postpone until your FI and future step parent to your kids learns to how to co-parent and communicate. You're legally binding yourself to a shit show and I'd be extremely worried about marrying someone who thinks letting a 4 year old slip up is communicating.

There's going to be tough times in your marriage, is this how he will communicate when they happen with you too?

Also, if he has mandated parenting time, he has a court order - and that court typically spells out what happens if the bio parent isn't able to be with the child during their mandated time.

You're correct. It spells out that it is the custodial parent's responsibility to make alternate care arrangements during their pre-determined time, including extended care. He would be well within his rights to have her parents care for him overnight, or a babysitter... it doesn't mean she won't throw a shit fit anyway.

kwiksilver · March 2017

VADI said:

banana468 said:

VADI said:

I don't disagree with you there.... but it doesn't help the wedding advice part..

Actually it does.

You need to talk to the attorney anyway as you're going to legally be the SM. This means that your relationship with SS is changing from the GF of his father to someone in a legal binding relationship. I'd recommend that they revisit any aspects of it now so that there are no surprises to either side once you wake up from the no kid in the house sex.

Finally, I do not recommend inviting the parents of SS to the wedding and I highly recommend that you document in writing what your plans for SS are to the mother.

Furthermore, once you DO talk to the lawyer, I recommend that you all agree to the terms and make sure that you and your FI/ DH are squeaky clean.

Any attorney FI has spoken to in the last few months (since we're getting married and she has been a thorn in our side to date, we don't want any surprises, as you said) has directed FI to follow the custody order to the letter, and to avoid/ignore the child's mother otherwise, unless it directly affects the child's welfare. Given how over the top she is, they did specify, yes, ridiculous things like whether the child has an apple or an orange not being her concern. Since she asked once what the kid had as a snack, he said Fruit... she went apeshit because he didn't specify what kind of fruit. That she should avoid telling him how to parent, and that he is fully within his rights to terminate the call or avoid responding to texts.

He's been told to document EVERYTHING. He holds records of text messages. Call history. Some recorded calls, even. Her texts to me, her calls to me, her emails to me... which she needs to direct to HIM, and I've told her that time and time again. That's my only response to her: "You need to communicate with FI about this."

Their dynamic is between them. She is not my ex, the custody order is not with me, and this child is not mine, I will not be paying child support. Yes - she actually demanded more money because of my income. Ain't happening, sista.

Actually, once you are married, if the mother can prove undue hardship, she CAN request that your income be included in the child support ruling. It happens. I live in Canada, and being divorced, I'm very familiar with how all of this works. So if you continue to be disrespectful of her, you could be on the hook.

If you listen to even ONE piece of advice, I encourage you to attend a Parenting After Separation course. You AND FI because it's actually a legal requirement for getting divorced (even if you've been, go again). It will teach both of you what IS and ISN'T appropriate between you guys (you are a unit now, it's not just pawning it off on your FI) and the mother.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

climbingwife said:

Cosign to all of this.

She's a handful because she's particular about who watches her kid, and who drives her kid around? That's NORMAL. I'm not even a parent and I can tell you that. This has disaster written all over it. Good luck.

No, she's a handful because of all the crazy I haven't written about her on here.

Obviously those things are normal.. but it's not normal to try and override every single thing that the other bio parent does. She expects FI to parent his son her way and only her way, whatever he does is never good enough.

kaos16 · March 2017

DrillSergeantCat said:

kaos16 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

banana468 said:

How difficult is it to have sex with a kid in the house? You know married people do that all the time right?

I make mine go sit in the back yard. That's not normal?

Totally in agreement with @LondonLisa about your usage of "the kid" unless that's his nickname. You aren't marrying him, but he will be a major part of your life and you're treating him like an inconvenience. How would you feel if your FI spoke of your children like this?

As for your original question, you should never invite someone to your wedding with the sole purpose of making them work. If you or your FI want them there, then invite them. Otherwise, don't.

@DrillSergeantCat, if I remember correctly your two little ones are about a year apart. . . . . Immaculate Conception, obviously

NO, not immaculate conception. We make them go sit in the backyard. JK, don't call CPS! We shut the door and have sex. In the house. With our children there. GASP!!!

Oh, you mean like normal human beings?

LondonLisa · March 2017

I don't know about your respect t question, but I certainly have 0 respect for any person who complains about a woman 'trapping' a man. Good god, what a cowardly little shrivelled human your fi must be with absolutely no agency or ability to choose to be in a relationship! I hate to break it to you, but he CHOSE to be with her. And he CHOSE to procreate with her. She isn't a spider, no one was trapped.

Don't turn into a Sanctomummy now with the 'I have kids' rationale. I'm more concerned that you find it strange that a mother would want to have control over where their child slept and who was around them.

levioosa · March 2017

VADI said:

levioosa said:

Holy fucking shit. I hope you have a good divorce lawyer picked out, because when FI figures out the contempt and disregard you have for his child things are going to go to shit.

I don't even have a kid yet and I can't even believe you said "where the kid spends the night is none of biomom's business." Are. You. Fucking. Me. It is absolutely her business where her child sleeps. It is absolutely her business to make sure he is in a safe environment. It is her business to call and check up on him. She might not be super awesome, but it doesn't sound like you are either. You sound selfish. You sound entitled. You don't sound like you are ready to enter into a comped co-parenting situation. You're making so many fucking excuses and, spoiler alert, excuses won't hold up in a court of law.

And, maybe biomom is acting petty with her parents. Sure. That could totally be happening. Or maybe it's something deeper that she doesn't feel like shouting from the roof tops. You know how many people I know who won't talk to their parents because of overlooked abuse? It's more than a couple. But it's not like you've ever given her the opportunity to build a trusting relationship with you because you're so fucking judgy. So, good luck with this whole lying thing. I'm sure it won't blow up in your or your FI's faces at all.

See... you have no experience. I do. I have children. I've been through a divorce. I was her. Not to the full extent of her dramatics, but like her... and like you, I felt I needed to know, because I was the mom and that was my child.

Let me tell you - when the JUDGE during one of our many court sessions said to me that I wasn't more important of a parent than the FATHER, and that I COULD NOT dictate what the father did on his court mandated time, that I WAS NOT ENTITLED to a play by play of the child's time with the father, since as a divorced parent with 50% custody and access - I gave up my rights to knowledge of the details of 50% of the child's time... as well as the "right" to know every single person in my child's life, including their father's girlfriend.

He said that what I WAS entitled to, were joint decisions about where the children were educated while they were minors, joint decisions as to the medical care they would receive while they were ninors, and joint decisions as to the religious path they would follow until they were no longer underage.

So you can get all high and mighty as you can, but you are not a parent, you are not divorced, you have not been through this... and you did not have the law tell you what's what.

You're entitled to your opinion, though.

Uh huh. I'm sure if the judge found out that the kid had been going to random sleepovers not at FI's house it would totes be okay because it was on FI's time. I don't need to have a child or experience to know what you are saying is pretty fucking shitty. And it doesn't exactly sound like FI tries to communicate with biomes about coparenting. He's trying to let his four year old spill the beans about the grandparents to biomom. Fucking really? Grow up.

kwiksilver · March 2017

Listen, I'm divorced, for a short time my ex tried to use the kids against me, but I never allowed that. I bowed to his wishes, I was constantly the bigger person, I never put them in the middle. Some people were furious that I accepted such a "raw deal" but my kids are a million times more important than being petty and spiteful. I took the high road 100% of the time.

My dad and I haven't spoken in over 12 years. When my ex and I split 7 years ago, my dads wife reached out to my ex on FB "just to see pictures of the kids". Do you know what he did? He politely stated that he wasn't getting involved and that if they wanted to see the kids they should speak to me directly. Even if he had a good relationship with them, that is the appropriate response.

Frankly, it doesn't matter how crazy or horrible or unhinged this woman is. You're stuck with her. For at least the next 14 years she is a part of your life, so you'd better figure out how to live with her in a way that is polite, honest, and cordial. The kid might be fine now, but heed my words, he won't be when he gets older. My kids have gone to all kinds of counselling and therapy because of our divorce, and ours was and is EXTREMELY amicable. Like, I have their dad over for Christmas dinner and we go over there. Even though their dad and I are good friends, they still have a hard time with it at some points. My daughter is almost 13 and she came to me in tears the other day because sometimes it's still hard for her.

Stop being ridiculous, find a way to live with the mother, and never again put the child in a situation where he might "slip up" and share information the mother isn't aware of. By the sounds of her, she would actually be extremely upset if she knew about her parents seeing the child. That actually makes this story WORSE not more justifiable.

mollybarker11 · March 2017

VADI said:
You're correct. It spells out that it is the custodial parent's responsibility to make alternate care arrangements during their pre-determined time, including extended care. He would be well within his rights to have her parents care for him overnight, or a babysitter... it doesn't mean she won't throw a shit fit anyway.

Great so go ahead and hire whatever babysitter you want for the wedding night (don't invite guests just to act as free labour at the reception).

But if you do want to avoid a shit fit from BM, your FI must consult with her to see if she has a preferred sitter (don't leave him with his grandparents... not even touching this mess). Alternatively, see whether she'd be willing to take him for the night as a favour. If she agrees to take him, your either:
- give her the location & pickup time (hire security to avoid her crashing)
or
- find a mutually agreed upon driver to take him from the venue to her house

If you're not willing/able to do any of these options then just continue caring for this child during your reception & wedding night and try not to have a resentful scowl on your face in the photos.

kimmiinthemitten · March 2017

VADI said:

Let me tell you - when the JUDGE during one of our many court sessions said to me that I wasn't more important of a parent than the FATHER, and that I COULD NOT dictate what the father did on his court mandated time, that I WAS NOT ENTITLED to a play by play of the child's time with the father, since as a divorced parent with 50% custody and access - I gave up my rights to knowledge of the details of 50% of the child's time... as well as the "right" to know every single person in my child's life, including their father's girlfriend.

He said that what I WAS entitled to, were joint decisions about where the children were educated while they were minors, joint decisions as to the medical care they would receive while they were ninors, and joint decisions as to the religious path they would follow until they were no longer underage.

For the most part, I actually agree with this. But this isn't whats happening here.

Here you have two bio parents who clearly have very little regard for each other, and F is using that as justification to go against the M's wishes.

If your FI went in front of a judge or referee under oath said that the M's own parents asked for time with the kid because M wasn't allowing it, and he went ahead and scheduled it "because she never told me," it wouldn't look favorable for him.

The only person I'm feeling bad for here is the kid who is clearly a pawn in his bioparents game of animosity.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

levioosa said:

Uh huh. I'm sure if the judge found out that the kid had been going to random sleepovers not at FI's house it would totes be okay because it was on FI's time. I don't need to have a child or experience to know what you are saying is pretty fucking shitty. And it doesn't exactly sound like FI tries to communicate with biomes about coparenting. He's trying to let his four year old spill the beans about the grandparents to biomom. Fucking really? Grow up.

It's not a random sleepover, it's a sleepover at the grandparents house. Which the kid has done before. Many times.

I'm sure the kid has already mentioned it to his mother. She hasn't said anything.

climbingsingle · March 2017

VADI said:

climbingwife said:

Cosign to all of this.

She's a handful because she's particular about who watches her kid, and who drives her kid around? That's NORMAL. I'm not even a parent and I can tell you that. This has disaster written all over it. Good luck.

No, she's a handful because of all the crazy I haven't written about her on here.

Obviously those things are normal.. but it's not normal to try and override every single thing that the other bio parent does. She expects FI to parent his son her way and only her way, whatever he does is never good enough.

You specifically complained about these instances to try to prove that she's hard to deal with. She's very "particular", you said, because she doesn't want strangers watching her kid, or driving her kid around. Get real. Those are normal things to be concerned about.

Every thing you've posted about this woman has painted YOU in a bad light. You've trashed her, trashed the kid, slut-shamed her. Grow up.

banana468 · March 2017

VADI said:

levioosa said:

Uh huh. I'm sure if the judge found out that the kid had been going to random sleepovers not at FI's house it would totes be okay because it was on FI's time. I don't need to have a child or experience to know what you are saying is pretty fucking shitty. And it doesn't exactly sound like FI tries to communicate with biomes about coparenting. He's trying to let his four year old spill the beans about the grandparents to biomom. Fucking really? Grow up.

It's not a random sleepover, it's a sleepover at the grandparents house. Which the kid has done before. Many times.

I'm sure the kid has already mentioned it to his mother. She hasn't said anything.

Stuck here in the box. It doesn't matter. If he's following the agreement to the letter then he doesn't get to pick a new place for the kid to sleep.

Also, on a complete side note, the Immaculate Conception was Mary's conception because she was born without sin. Jesus was born through virgin birth. So calling something an immaculate conception still implies that sex is involved. The more you know.....

[Deleted User] · March 2017

KwikSilver said:

Listen, I'm divorced, for a short time my ex tried to use the kids against me, but I never allowed that. I bowed to his wishes, I was constantly the bigger person, I never put them in the middle. Some people were furious that I accepted such a "raw deal" but my kids are a million times more important than being petty and spiteful. I took the high road 100% of the time.

My dad and I haven't spoken in over 12 years. When my ex and I split 7 years ago, my dads wife reached out to my ex on FB "just to see pictures of the kids". Do you know what he did? He politely stated that he wasn't getting involved and that if they wanted to see the kids they should speak to me directly. Even if he had a good relationship with them, that is the appropriate response.

Frankly, it doesn't matter how crazy or horrible or unhinged this woman is. You're stuck with her. For at least the next 14 years she is a part of your life, so you'd better figure out how to live with her in a way that is polite, honest, and cordial. The kid might be fine now, but heed my words, he won't be when he gets older. My kids have gone to all kinds of counselling and therapy because of our divorce, and ours was and is EXTREMELY amicable. Like, I have their dad over for Christmas dinner and we go over there. Even though their dad and I are good friends, they still have a hard time with it at some points. My daughter is almost 13 and she came to me in tears the other day because sometimes it's still hard for her.

Stop being ridiculous, find a way to live with the mother, and never again put the child in a situation where he might "slip up" and share information the mother isn't aware of. By the sounds of her, she would actually be extremely upset if she knew about her parents seeing the child. That actually makes this story WORSE not more justifiable.

I can appreciate that - if biomom had told FI there was a reason she didn't want the kid around them, I'm sure the situation would have been handled differently. He had no reason to discontinue the visits with her parents - he lessened them out of respect for me, even though it never bothered me.

She'd be extremely upset anyway. It's just the type of person he is. She got upset with FI because he returned his son to her in different pants than he'd left her house for daycare with. She yelled at him during the drop off. She texted him like mad for 15 minutes afterwards, and tried calling to continue the bitching.

He was wearing different pants, because he'd had a potty accident and FI didn't have time to wash the pants, as it was 10 minutes before leaving our place for hers... and she's even MORE unhinged it FI shows up even at 7:47pm rather than 7:45pm...

I don't expect ya'll to understand the dynamic between them, but I don't see why I should justify it. I don't have to have anything to do with her - their child is between her and FI. Anything that involves me is done to support my FI, and because I do love the kid... but it's not to be mistaken with obligation.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

banana468 said:

VADI said:

levioosa said:

Uh huh. I'm sure if the judge found out that the kid had been going to random sleepovers not at FI's house it would totes be okay because it was on FI's time. I don't need to have a child or experience to know what you are saying is pretty fucking shitty. And it doesn't exactly sound like FI tries to communicate with biomes about coparenting. He's trying to let his four year old spill the beans about the grandparents to biomom. Fucking really? Grow up.

It's not a random sleepover, it's a sleepover at the grandparents house. Which the kid has done before. Many times.

I'm sure the kid has already mentioned it to his mother. She hasn't said anything.

Stuck here in the box. It doesn't matter. If he's following the agreement to the letter then he doesn't get to pick a new place for the kid to sleep.

Also, on a complete side note, the Immaculate Conception was Mary's conception because she was born without sin. Jesus was born through virgin birth. So calling something an immaculate conception still implies that sex is involved. The more you know.....

The custody order doesn't say anything about the child being required to sleep at the parent's home. It does, however, indicate that should the child be on extended alternate care, the other parent requires 24 hours notice.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

climbingwife said:

VADI said:

climbingwife said:

Cosign to all of this.

She's a handful because she's particular about who watches her kid, and who drives her kid around? That's NORMAL. I'm not even a parent and I can tell you that. This has disaster written all over it. Good luck.

No, she's a handful because of all the crazy I haven't written about her on here.

Obviously those things are normal.. but it's not normal to try and override every single thing that the other bio parent does. She expects FI to parent his son her way and only her way, whatever he does is never good enough.

You specifically complained about these instances to try to prove that she's hard to deal with. She's very "particular", you said, because she doesn't want strangers watching her kid, or driving her kid around. Get real. Those are normal things to be concerned about.

Every thing you've posted about this woman has painted YOU in a bad light. You've trashed her, trashed the kid, slut-shamed her. Grow up.

I specifically complained about those instances because they were examples of issues we'd face, directly related to the issues we were having in figuring out how to deal with SS's presence at the wedding.

I can see it now... you're going to be the Golden Uterus type. Good luck with that.

climbingsingle · March 2017

VADI said:

climbingwife said:

VADI said:

climbingwife said:

Cosign to all of this.

She's a handful because she's particular about who watches her kid, and who drives her kid around? That's NORMAL. I'm not even a parent and I can tell you that. This has disaster written all over it. Good luck.

No, she's a handful because of all the crazy I haven't written about her on here.

Obviously those things are normal.. but it's not normal to try and override every single thing that the other bio parent does. She expects FI to parent his son her way and only her way, whatever he does is never good enough.

You specifically complained about these instances to try to prove that she's hard to deal with. She's very "particular", you said, because she doesn't want strangers watching her kid, or driving her kid around. Get real. Those are normal things to be concerned about.

Every thing you've posted about this woman has painted YOU in a bad light. You've trashed her, trashed the kid, slut-shamed her. Grow up.

I specifically complained about those instances because they were examples of issues we'd face, directly related to the issues we were having in figuring out how to deal with SS's presence at the wedding.

I can see it now... you're going to be the Golden Uterus type. Good luck with that.

Not everyone can have children, but it's nice that you assume so. <-- that was sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell.

banana468 · March 2017

VADI said:

banana468 said:

VADI said:

levioosa said:

Uh huh. I'm sure if the judge found out that the kid had been going to random sleepovers not at FI's house it would totes be okay because it was on FI's time. I don't need to have a child or experience to know what you are saying is pretty fucking shitty. And it doesn't exactly sound like FI tries to communicate with biomes about coparenting. He's trying to let his four year old spill the beans about the grandparents to biomom. Fucking really? Grow up.

It's not a random sleepover, it's a sleepover at the grandparents house. Which the kid has done before. Many times.

I'm sure the kid has already mentioned it to his mother. She hasn't said anything.

Stuck here in the box. It doesn't matter. If he's following the agreement to the letter then he doesn't get to pick a new place for the kid to sleep.

Also, on a complete side note, the Immaculate Conception was Mary's conception because she was born without sin. Jesus was born through virgin birth. So calling something an immaculate conception still implies that sex is involved. The more you know.....

The custody order doesn't say anything about the child being required to sleep at the parent's home. It does, however, indicate that should the child be on extended alternate care, the other parent requires 24 hours notice.

Then you'd need to consult with her if he's sleeping at his grandparents on your wedding night.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

kimmiinthemitten said:

VADI said:

Let me tell you - when the JUDGE during one of our many court sessions said to me that I wasn't more important of a parent than the FATHER, and that I COULD NOT dictate what the father did on his court mandated time, that I WAS NOT ENTITLED to a play by play of the child's time with the father, since as a divorced parent with 50% custody and access - I gave up my rights to knowledge of the details of 50% of the child's time... as well as the "right" to know every single person in my child's life, including their father's girlfriend.

He said that what I WAS entitled to, were joint decisions about where the children were educated while they were minors, joint decisions as to the medical care they would receive while they were ninors, and joint decisions as to the religious path they would follow until they were no longer underage.
For the most part, I actually agree with this. But this isn't whats happening here.

Here you have two bio parents who clearly have very little regard for each other, and F is using that as justification to go against the M's wishes.

If your FI went in front of a judge or referee under oath said that the M's own parents asked for time with the kid because M wasn't allowing it, and he went ahead and scheduled it "because she never told me," it wouldn't look favorable for him.

The only person I'm feeling bad for here is the kid who is clearly a pawn in his bioparents game of animosity.

Actually, it is. FI is expecting her to stick to her "entitlements", but she expects to be 100% in the know, about 100% things happening. She wants to dictate what he does on his time, where he goes, and who he sees.... she's not entitled. End of story.

to invite or not to invite

Re: to invite or not to invite

Choose Another Board

Search Boards