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Etiquette

to invite or not to invite

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Re: to invite or not to invite

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    VADI said:
    VADI said:
    People are not trying to be holier-than-thou (an idiom you've used multiple times now). They're trying to point out the giant freaking red flags you're putting up. Ignore them, fine. It's not going to affect them. They know that.

    They're trying to help you when they see something that you may not see. They're trying to give you a more compassionate and objective perspective when it comes to the behavior of your FI's ex, something that can be hard for you to be objective about. They're trying to give you a realistic picture of what co-parenting will be like as the legal wife of this man, who has a son who's four, things you don't seem to be realistic about.

    Just because you're getting defensive doesn't mean other people are being pretentious or rude.
    while it's true that getting defensive doesn't mean people are being pretentious or rude, comments like Grow up, are exactly that.
    No, that's blunt. Rude would be telling you you're a horrible person who should never have children. No one would or should say that. But telling you the truth (that you need to have a more mature perspective on this situation, which takes into account your actual responisibilites, or, "grow up") is not rude, just because it isn't sugarcoated in the telling.
    Actually, there are responses in this thread that have said exactly that. How terrible a person I am... how they feel sorry for the kids... how I need to include the kid's mom in my life... no, I don't. His relationship with her is separate from my relationship with him. 

    HE needs to co-parent with HER. I only need to co-parent with HIM. As the kid is his son, I defer to what he wants. I can suggest, convince recommend all I want - but in the end, it's HIS choice. 

    You may not agree - and you don't have to, but we are doing what works for us, and rolling over for the mom's every single wish is not going to happen. She's not more important than the father, despite how you're trying to make it seem like she's the one that gets to call every shot.

    No one has you should roll over for her every single wish. That is where you're projecting this. 

    We're saying that she has some legitimate concerns about her kid's childcare situation when he's with his father. This is a wish you do need to take into account.

    She might also have many, tiny, minor concerns, which are probably super annoying.
    charlotte989875DrillSergeantCatcowgirl8238PrettyGirlLost
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    She just wants to continue arguing.  It's just and endless cycle of points and counter-points. 

    I'm done. Good luck with your wedding. I'm not commenting on any more of your posts. I have enough petulant teenagers in my life. 
    Seriously.  Now she wants to argue about whether she is thinking too much about this when she doesn't even know if she is having a reception!  By her own admission!  And all because "it's called brainstorming."

    Look, I get that your mind goes in about a bazillion different directions when you first start thinking about your wedding.  But PPs are right - you really need to figure out the major details (i.e. where) before thinking about childcare - otherwise you will drive yourself insane trying to "brainstorm" every what-if that you can think of.  

    DrillSergeantCat
  • VADI said:
    VADI said:
    People are not trying to be holier-than-thou (an idiom you've used multiple times now). They're trying to point out the giant freaking red flags you're putting up. Ignore them, fine. It's not going to affect them. They know that.

    They're trying to help you when they see something that you may not see. They're trying to give you a more compassionate and objective perspective when it comes to the behavior of your FI's ex, something that can be hard for you to be objective about. They're trying to give you a realistic picture of what co-parenting will be like as the legal wife of this man, who has a son who's four, things you don't seem to be realistic about.

    Just because you're getting defensive doesn't mean other people are being pretentious or rude.
    while it's true that getting defensive doesn't mean people are being pretentious or rude, comments like Grow up, are exactly that.
    No, that's blunt. Rude would be telling you you're a horrible person who should never have children. No one would or should say that. But telling you the truth (that you need to have a more mature perspective on this situation, which takes into account your actual responisibilites, or, "grow up") is not rude, just because it isn't sugarcoated in the telling.
    Actually, there are responses in this thread that have said exactly that. How terrible a person I am... how they feel sorry for the kids... how I need to include the kid's mom in my life... no, I don't. His relationship with her is separate from my relationship with him. 

    HE needs to co-parent with HER. I only need to co-parent with HIM. As the kid is his son, I defer to what he wants. I can suggest, convince recommend all I want - but in the end, it's HIS choice. 

    You may not agree - and you don't have to, but we are doing what works for us, and rolling over for the mom's every single wish is not going to happen. She's not more important than the father, despite how you're trying to make it seem like she's the one that gets to call every shot.


    If it's working so well then why do you have an issue with just following the one request not to have "the kid" stay with bio mom's parents?

    Have you at least conceded not to invite the parents to supervise your stepson?


    charlotte989875sparklepants41MyNameIsNot
  • banana468 said:

    But that's what you're doing.   Half of your posts are insulting to the mother of your future step son.

    And she may be an absolute POS - but what you think of her and what she legally gets are not the same.   And you still need to keep talking about how much better than her you are. 
    she is an absolute POS... but I never said I was better than her.

    I gave the details of the issues I'm facing. Facts, and I'm the one being blasted in how I need to show her respect and be considerate of her.

    The only consideration I need to give her, is the consideration she agreed to get in her court documents. Sure, I could be the bigger person and give her more... but why?

    I can afford activities for my kids... they're in dance, football... SS is not. I pay a portion the activities for my kids, their father pays another portion, and their grandparents kick in the rest.

    Should SS also get an activity, because his mom feels he should be treated fairly?

    Newsflash - he IS being treated fairly. My kids' parents are paying for activities they can afford. So are his. Fair doesn't mean equal.

    Yet to her, this means I hate her child.
  • I'm not going to get into this argument or go into "blast" mode but here is some advice:

    when i first joined this forum I thought people were attacking me too. Although I felt that way and got really upset about it, the things that they said actually sunk in with me and helped me realize the things that were actually important and the things I was being "petty" about. It does seem like harsh advice sometimes and you might not always get the answer you are looking for but these ppl are just trying to get you to view the situation from various perspectives and you don't always have to agree with them but you can take the advice and think about it and decide what's best for you. Stop trying to defend yourself on every point and just try to be more honest with yourself. People like to help you here it's just kind of a funny way of doing it when you first join. 
    aurianna
  • I understand what you are saying about how you are dealing with her and your FI's child. You obviously don't have to take the high road, or treat her respectfully, but then you don't get to complain about how she acts. If you aren't willing to act like adults WHO TALK TO EACHOTHER then why are you surprised with juvenile behavior? You obviously aren't interested in having a mature, drama free, relationship with this woman. Nothing will ever improve if the 3 of you don't learn how to communicate, trust, and work as a team. Good luck.
  • WOW.   If this is what the 4 yo sees I understand why mom may want him to GTFO of there on Christmas...
    charlotte989875redoryxPrettyGirlLost
  • VADI said:
    banana468 said:

    But that's what you're doing.   Half of your posts are insulting to the mother of your future step son.

    And she may be an absolute POS - but what you think of her and what she legally gets are not the same.   And you still need to keep talking about how much better than her you are. 
    she is an absolute POS.If this were really the case, why on earth wouldn't your FI be fighting to get his son away from her?!.. but I never said I was better than her.

    I gave the details of the issues I'm facing. Facts, and I'm the one being blasted in how I need to show her respect and be considerate of her. You are not giving facts, you are giving your side of what is happening between SS's mom and your FI.  I guarantee that your version about what is happening is much different than hers, and maybe even FI's.

    The only consideration I need to give her, is the consideration she agreed to get in her court documents. Sure, I could be the bigger person and give her more... but why? because being the bigger person is a great thing to do, and attempting to have a good, working relationship with SS's mom will only benefit SS and help him be a well adjusted child.  Don't do it for her, do it for SS!

    I can afford activities for my kids... they're in dance, football... SS is not. I pay a portion the activities for my kids, their father pays another portion, and their grandparents kick in the rest.

    Should SS also get an activity, because his mom feels he should be treated fairly? No, SS should get activities because he is a 4 year old who is in the middle of a messy fight between all the grownups in his life, and he deserves to be treated well, as every child does.  Did you ever think what an activity does for a child's growth and development, especially when things aren't necessarily the most "normal" at home?

    Newsflash - he IS being treated fairly. My kids' parents are paying for activities they can afford. So are his. Fair doesn't mean equal.

    Yet to her, this means I hate her child.
    I responded in bold. . . . . OP, the more you respond the more I'm beginning to wonder if maybe you and SS's mom are really actually very much alike.  It could explain why your FI chose each of you, and it could explain why you two seem to be butting heads so much.
    TrixieJessPrettyGirlLost
  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    redoryx said:
    Am I the only one confused by the use of "bio mom" in this situation? I've just never seen that term or birth mother or something outside of adoption. She's his mom. Full stop. I feel like it's just another way for the OP to knock down this woman from her role in future step-son's life. 


    STIB

    Use of bio-mom is used regularly when differentiating between a birth mother and a stepmother in online/written discussions.  

     

    short+sassyredoryxPrettyGirlLost
  • And that's the difference between people who live the reality of a blended step life, and those who can only speak of it.

    I live within my means. FI lives within his means. We have individual expenses, and we have joint expenses. 

    Even when married, he is financially responsible for his child, and I am not.
    We are jointly responsible for our household. Activities are not part of household expenses... they're extracurriculars.

    What if I wasn't paying for my kids activities, only their dad was?

    Should that mean my kids dad should pay for SS's activity too?

    Come on. Clearly you haven't lived a blended family life.

    Does SS deserve activities? Of course. But it's not me who is financially responsible for them... if his parents cannot afford them, I am no more responsible to pay for them than the neighbor is.

    Does that mean I won't? No... but I certainly won't be doing it just because the boy's mom says I have to.
  • Wow. Wow. Yes. What?!?  She's poor so her son gets less than his siblings?!? What?!??????
    Does he also live in a cupboard under the stairs?

    It breaks my heart to think this child will grow up not understanding why the other kids in his house are allowed to do fun activities that develop their abilities and he isn't. 

    ETA: @levioosa I didn't see your post until after I posted mine. 
    The child will grow up understanding that he gets what his parents can afford, and my kids get what their parents can afford. 

    My kids gets christmas at my mom's - so will he.
    They will also get christmas at their father's parents. He will not. 
    He gets christmas at his mom's parents (taking the fight crap out of this) and my kids will not.

    boo hoo.

    You get what your family can give you... and yes, I will be "family"... but that doesn't mean he gets everything my kids do, just like my kids won't get everything he gets. That's life.
  • VADI said:
    Wow. Wow. Yes. What?!?  She's poor so her son gets less than his siblings?!? What?!??????
    Does he also live in a cupboard under the stairs?

    It breaks my heart to think this child will grow up not understanding why the other kids in his house are allowed to do fun activities that develop their abilities and he isn't. 

    ETA: @levioosa I didn't see your post until after I posted mine. 
    The child will grow up understanding that he gets what his parents can afford, and my kids get what their parents can afford. 

    My kids gets christmas at my mom's - so will he.
    They will also get christmas at their father's parents. He will not. 
    He gets christmas at his mom's parents (taking the fight crap out of this) and my kids will not.

    boo hoo.

    You get what your family can give you... and yes, I will be "family"... but that doesn't mean he gets everything my kids do, just like my kids won't get everything he gets. That's life.
    You will be family. Not "family".

    The fact that you don't see a difference is telling. And what everyone is trying to point out here. 
    kimmiinthemittenPrettyGirlLostTheDeathLlama
  • Just curious - does your FI know how much you hate his kid? 
    Wondering the same thing. 
    TrixieJessTheDeathLlama
  • edited March 2017

    Wow. I’ve been following this entire thread but refrained from commenting until now because I felt like there were too many different points I wanted to respond to and ultimately the points I wanted to make would just get lost in the shuffle. But now I have a single point to make that I think transcends everything else, and it really needs to be said.

     

    OP, you asked “Sure, I could be the bigger person and give her more…. but why?” There is a very simple answer: because the child is the one who is suffering when you choose to act the way you are acting.

     

    It is unbelievably cruel to be willing to pay for activities for your biological children and not your SS. You can argue all you want that that approach is “fair” because in both cases the kids are just getting what their parents can afford to provide for them, but the end result of your “fairness” is a very sad little four year old boy who doesn’t understand why his step siblings get to do a bunch of fun stuff he doesn’t.

     

    Here’s the thing: that kind of treatment over a lifetime is going to fuck this kid up. The stakes here go way beyond this petty scorekeeping between you, your FI, and his ex. When you decided to marry a father you took on partial responsibility for shaping a human life, and I am very fearful of how he is going to turn out given the treatment described here.

     

    I have an honest question for you: do you love your SS just as much as you love your biological children? I have honestly never known a step parent that would be okay with providing different levels of opportunity for their bio- and step kids, and I honestly think it’s kind of appalling. You are all a family now and there should be no distinction between how the kids are treated, regardless of whose biological parents (and grandparents) can afford what.

     

    I understand the contents of this thread only provide us with one small glimpse into your life, but from what you have said here it does not come across like you are going to be the kind of stepmom this poor little kid needs. That’s not to say you haven’t been a great mom to your own kids or to question your parenting skills in general, but when it comes to this child you seem resentful and dismissive of your responsibility to him. He is about to be yours just as much as any of your own biological children are, and you need to start getting yourself right with that reality if you really want to marry this man.





    sparklepants41cowgirl8238
  • VADI said:
    she is an absolute POS... but I never said I was better than her.

    I gave the details of the issues I'm facing. Facts, and I'm the one being blasted in how I need to show her respect and be considerate of her.

    The only consideration I need to give her, is the consideration she agreed to get in her court documents. Sure, I could be the bigger person and give her more... but why?

    I can afford activities for my kids... they're in dance, football... SS is not. I pay a portion the activities for my kids, their father pays another portion, and their grandparents kick in the rest.

    Should SS also get an activity, because his mom feels he should be treated fairly?

    Newsflash - he IS being treated fairly. My kids' parents are paying for activities they can afford. So are his. Fair doesn't mean equal.

    Yet to her, this means I hate her child.
    I'm sorry, but no you can't afford activities for your kids if you're having your parents chip in to pay them. SS should absolutely have an activity that his mom and dad pay for. Since you're marrying his dad, that means you're partly responsible for paying (the whole what's mine is yours, what's yours is mine philosophy). 
    I get what you are saying...but a judge would, and has, disagreed. There are some things that are not combined when marrying, regardless of individual feelings about it. 

    He can have an activity... if his parents pay for it. If FI pays for some, hey great..
     But I'm not going to take over her share. That would be equivalent to making FI pay for things my kids dad currently has to pay.

    I'm not saying I would never contribute... but I'm not going to contribute in the place of the mom. She doesn't get an easy ride on my dime. Why should she? What's his is mine and mine is his... but will never be hers.

    If he feels that I love my kids more... well duh...they're my kids. By that logic, if mom buys him something jointly with dad... they should also buy my kids something... ummm, no.

    My kids aren't savage enough to expect extras just so everyone has the same amount of things because that's what proves love...they understand that they have 2 parents who are responsible for them, and that amything given to them by steps is extra, and whether extras are given or not is not an indication of love.

    SS will eventually understand this too.
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