FI and money -vent-

climbingsingle

sarahufl said:

bc+rw16 said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.

I was kind of expecting "Man that sucks, FI hates it when I get starbucks too"

stuck in the box.

Fair, so here is my experience to share - H doesn't say anything about when I get Starbucks because I pay for it with my own money.

D-to-the-ITTO

theartistformerlyknownas

bc+rw16 said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.

I was kind of expecting "Man that sucks, FI hates it when I get starbucks too" 

But this is the first place we tried to help you. You shouldn't expect that because it's not a normal or healthy reaction for him to have. Our SOs don't treat us that way. My H may not love when I spend money on coffee, but he doesn't say boo about it because he respects that I get to choose what to do with my own money. It's understandable that you don't see this as a problem because you don't have a lot of experience under your belt yet to tell you otherwise, but then you have to be open minded enough to learn from others who've been through more.

mrsmagicgeek

bc+rw16 said:

But it's not about the $5, it's that he doesn't like me buying into things like Starbucks because they're popular. 

It's about him telling you how to spend $5 that you earned yourself. $500 I could see my DH getting upset about (and I wouldn't without talking to him anyway) but $5?

bwy

lolo883 said:

bc+rw16 said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.

I was kind of expecting "Man that sucks, FI hates it when I get starbucks too" 

But this is the first place we tried to help you. You shouldn't expect that because it's not a normal or healthy reaction for him to have. Our SOs don't treat us that way. My H may not love when I spend money on coffee, but he doesn't say boo about it because he respects that I get to choose what to do with my own money. It's understandable that you don't see this as a problem because you don't have a lot of experience under your belt yet to tell you otherwise, but then you have to be open minded enough to learn from others who've been through more.

Okay, I'm sorry I was mad at you. EDIT: general you, not just you lolo 

lyndausvi

I'm going to be honest.  I would not be happy if my FI spent $6 on a cup of coffee when he only make $20.  $20 I have the cash because they do not have a bank account.  

Money is the number one reason people break up.   You do not have a steady job, you live for free at your parents.   That speaks volumes on how you handle money.

Now it is your money so I would not be controlling to the point where I would refuse to give you them money I had to cash for you.  But yeah, I would be wondering if this is the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Do I think he should control what you buy with your own money?  No.   Do I think he should be running for the hills on how you spend your own money?  Possible.

JCbride2015

bc+rw16 said:

But it's not about the $5, it's that he doesn't like me buying into things like Starbucks because they're popular. 

So he's not just trying to control your spending.  He's trying to control the things that you like?  Because Starbucks is too "popular?"  Like he's too cool for Starbucks because everybody else likes it?

Yeah, sorry, this is something my high school students would say.

And nope. I don't have that problem.  Because I'm an adult.

smalfrie19

bc+rw16 said:

But it's not about the $5, it's that he doesn't like me buying into things like Starbucks because they're popular. 

So your FI is so hipster he gets livid when people spend their own money on something that is popular??!?!? does not compute! 

beethery

bc+rw16 said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.

I was kind of expecting "Man that sucks, FI hates it when I get starbucks too" 

You have got to be shitting me.

beethery

JCbride2015 said:

bc+rw16 said:

But it's not about the $5, it's that he doesn't like me buying into things like Starbucks because they're popular. 

So he's not just trying to control your spending.  He's trying to control the things that you like?  Because Starbucks is too "popular?"  Like he's too cool for Starbucks because everybody else likes it?

Yeah, sorry, this is something my high school students would say.

And nope. I don't have that problem.  Because I'm an adult.

It sounds like some shit a hipster would say. "Oooh you get your coffee at Starbucks? How Mainstream. You're funding corporate cannibalism. Pardon me while I go ride my fixie and apply my beard grooming products."

theartistformerlyknownas

Honestly, being upset that Starbucks is popular sounds MORE controlling to me than him being upset about the money. At least his heart could be somewhat in the right place with the money if he was trying to steer you toward more responsible financial choices. But if my H tried to prevent me from buying something with my own money just because of some strange hipster revolt against popularity, or ANY other personal reason, he'd get a giant one of these.

levioosa

beethery said:

bc+rw16 said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.

I was kind of expecting "Man that sucks, FI hates it when I get starbucks too" 

You have got to be shitting me.

@Beethery, never has your siggy gone better with a statement.  haha

JCbride2015

beethery said:

JCbride2015 said:

bc+rw16 said:

But it's not about the $5, it's that he doesn't like me buying into things like Starbucks because they're popular. 

So he's not just trying to control your spending.  He's trying to control the things that you like?  Because Starbucks is too "popular?"  Like he's too cool for Starbucks because everybody else likes it?

Yeah, sorry, this is something my high school students would say.

And nope. I don't have that problem.  Because I'm an adult.

It sounds like some shit a hipster would say. "Oooh you get your coffee at Starbucks? How Mainstream. You're funding corporate cannibalism. Pardon me while I go ride my fixie and apply my beard grooming products."

Only even worse because it's like that hipster could snatch your own money out of your hand in line for the Starbucks based on his own hipster judgments.

sarahufl

I did bring H to Sephora with me once to buy foundation. It was $27 (so not even close to being the most expensive thing at Sephora). He balked (jokingly, of course) and said "You are spending HOW MUCH on makeup?!" I looked at him and said that for our relationship to stay healthy, he might want to skip out on future trips to Sephora (I'm looking at you, Urban Decay Naked eyeshadow pallets). Hasn't been back with me since

Sugargirl1019

To be honest, before we had our come-to-Jesus-no-spending-money boot camp, if DH came home with several new salt water fish and new headphones, I was judgey on him and telling him those things aren't necessary. He would roll his eyes and laugh when I would tell him I bought a new pair of shoes or even coffee from Starbucks. Because he just doesn't care so much about those things. Now, I was also paying practically ALL the bills. And later I found out he was spending his money from his job on fun things instead of paying the few bills he had to his name (car, cell phone). I was angry, and we had the come-to-Jesus talk and I run the bill paying and we discussed how our pay checks would go into one account and we both have access to it, but there is absolutely zero spending from this account. Later, when we have a little extra money on the side, we will have our own spending accounts with money divvied up each month. When that is used up, no more spending for fun for that month. But for now, we are putting every penny we have into our house down payment fund. Talk to your FI and find out if he has true concerns about your finances. We had to talk about it and come to a compromise that would ensure both of our success. He is okay with our arrangement now. You should have this talk with your FI before it is too late.

smalfrie19

sarahufl said:

I did bring H to Sephora with me once to buy foundation. It was $27 (so not even close to being the most expensive thing at Sephora). He balked (jokingly, of course) and said "You are spending HOW MUCH on makeup?!" I looked at him and said that for our relationship to stay healthy, he might want to skip out on future trips to Sephora (I'm looking at you, Urban Decay Naked eyeshadow pallets). Hasn't been back with me since

this is why FI doesnt get to see my VS credit card statement! 

beethery

JCbride2015 said:

beethery said:

JCbride2015 said:

bc+rw16 said:

But it's not about the $5, it's that he doesn't like me buying into things like Starbucks because they're popular. 

So he's not just trying to control your spending.  He's trying to control the things that you like?  Because Starbucks is too "popular?"  Like he's too cool for Starbucks because everybody else likes it?

Yeah, sorry, this is something my high school students would say.

And nope. I don't have that problem.  Because I'm an adult.

It sounds like some shit a hipster would say. "Oooh you get your coffee at Starbucks? How Mainstream. You're funding corporate cannibalism. Pardon me while I go ride my fixie and apply my beard grooming products."

Only even worse because it's like that hipster could snatch your own money out of your hand in line for the Starbucks based on his own hipster judgments.

YUP.

l9i

Even before it was "our" money we lived like it was "our" money.  We've been through changes from H being the primary earner before we got engaged and now it has flipped and I am the primary earner.  It's a team and that's how it works.  H went and got coffee the other day.  He came back and said "Hey, I got coffee with Sam" and my reply was "That's cool, how is he?".  We have an agreement on what each of us can spend each week without consent.  Other things... like the new stove we had to buy last night, yeah that better be a joint decision.

 

Everyone has given very solid advice!  I'm young, I'm still figuring things out.  Yes, H and I were dating when I was 19 but we've both done a lot of growing up over those few years.  I was not ready at 19 to be completely independent and married, but at 23 I was.

JCbride2015

sarahufl said:

I did bring H to Sephora with me once to buy foundation. It was $27 (so not even close to being the most expensive thing at Sephora). He balked (jokingly, of course) and said "You are spending HOW MUCH on makeup?!" I looked at him and said that for our relationship to stay healthy, he might want to skip out on future trips to Sephora (I'm looking at you, Urban Decay Naked eyeshadow pallets). Hasn't been back with me since

I'll tell Fi that certain makeup items are "so expensive you would laugh, so I'm not telling you."  So he laughs.  And then we move on.

He also knows I have very painful eczema though, so if anybody tries to get between me and my skincare products, I will cut a bitch.

theartistformerlyknownas

sarahufl said:

I did bring H to Sephora with me once to buy foundation. It was $27 (so not even close to being the most expensive thing at Sephora). He balked (jokingly, of course) and said "You are spending HOW MUCH on makeup?!" I looked at him and said that for our relationship to stay healthy, he might want to skip out on future trips to Sephora (I'm looking at you, Urban Decay Naked eyeshadow pallets). Hasn't been back with me since

Ditto this with shoes and my hair appointments. This is why when we sit down to reconfigure our accounts/contributions this weekend, we'll each keep our own slush fund in addition to having joint checking for shared expenses (which we already have from wedding planning) and joint savings for a house. As long as our shared expenses are covered and we're meeting our savings goals, I don't need to know how much he spends at the casino and he doesn't need to know how much my next new pair of riding boots cost.

gladyscf

OP - 

Didn't you have a thread a few days ago about your mom being too busy working to help you plan your wedding?

Perhaps she is too busy working because she is providing for you since you're not ready to be a grown up?

Get a job, it will help your independence and self esteem. You don't need to stay home and practice for that day when you MIGHT be a SAHM. Your FI isn't going to be making the amount of money that will afford you to stay home and raise babies with what he's going to be making in the military. 

Cookie Pusher

sarahufl said:

I did bring H to Sephora with me once to buy foundation. It was $27 (so not even close to being the most expensive thing at Sephora). He balked (jokingly, of course) and said "You are spending HOW MUCH on makeup?!" I looked at him and said that for our relationship to stay healthy, he might want to skip out on future trips to Sephora (I'm looking at you, Urban Decay Naked eyeshadow pallets). Hasn't been back with me since

My foundation is 60 bucks, so DH wouldn't even bat an eyelash at $27!

Honestly, I really can't relate to being told how to spend my money - for any reason. I've always earned my own. Even when I was out of work for an extended period of time, I still paid my half of all the household expenses because I had a sizable savings account at the time. Now that the wedding is done and paid for, our vehicles are paid for, and our student loans are paid for, we throw our extra money into savings for a house. Or not. We each spend our extra income however we choose with little judgment from the other (not gonna lie, I do judge some of DH's camo-painted purchases). If anything, my husband gets on my case because I don't spend ENOUGH money on fun things for myself.

sarahufl

Cookie Pusher said:

sarahufl said:

I did bring H to Sephora with me once to buy foundation. It was $27 (so not even close to being the most expensive thing at Sephora). He balked (jokingly, of course) and said "You are spending HOW MUCH on makeup?!" I looked at him and said that for our relationship to stay healthy, he might want to skip out on future trips to Sephora (I'm looking at you, Urban Decay Naked eyeshadow pallets). Hasn't been back with me since

My foundation is 60 bucks, so DH wouldn't even bat an eyelash at $27!

Honestly, I really can't relate to being told how to spend my money - for any reason. I've always earned my own. Even when I was out of work for an extended period of time, I still paid my half of all the household expenses because I had a sizable savings account at the time. Now that the wedding is done and paid for, our vehicles are paid for, and our student loans are paid for, we throw our extra money into savings for a house. Or not. We each spend our extra income however we choose with little judgment from the other (not gonna lie, I do judge some of DH's camo-painted purchases). If anything, my husband gets on my case because I don't spend ENOUGH money on fun things for myself.

I fuss at H all the time for this. Homeboy makes a lot of money and has for a long time but refuses to spend $100 bucks on a pair of new slacks. He wears faded, stained pants to weddings because they "still fit". I finally convinced him to get rid of a pair of Banana Republic slacks that are TEN YEARS OLD because they have bleach stains on them!

climbingsingle

climbingsingle

Yikes. 

JaxInBlue

Being honest, I used to get annoyed with DH spending $20-30 a week on lunches when he could very easily pack something from home most of time.  BUT we've talked about why he doesn't want to take lunch - he uses lunch as a way to get a break or to meet up with people from other parts of his company he needs to talk to about joint projects.  So I try not to let it get to me anymore because (1) right now we (and he) can afford it and (2) he's agreed to reassess this if our financial situation changes.

They key is communication.  I could talk to him about my concerns about spending and he listened; then we had a productive conversation and we've reached a compromise we're both comfortable with right now and for the future.  Your post indicated a lack of open communication about money and lack of trust with each other as to how you manage (or want to manage) money together.

As to the skills/training/job question, I agree with PPs too.  It's great you are getting some experience in data entry.  Consider taking that out into a more formal setting to build your resume and diversify your skill set.  See what your options might be with work-from-home employers so that your job could travel with you in the future.  And if you are truly interested in developing a craft-based online business, explore the training you need to be successful in that - business accounting, marketing, photography, etc.  Community colleges and local chambers of commerce can be good resources for you as a business owner in development and can help you with things like developing a business plan, initial budget, and in determining what resources you need to really get going.

princessofgenovia

bc+rw16 said:

But it's not about the $5, it's that he doesn't like me buying into things like Starbucks because they're popular. 

So it's not your money he's trying to control, rather it's your very behavior and your likes and dislikes? Oh, well in that case it's super healthy and totally normal! You should smile and go along with whatever he says because clearly he knows whats best for you.

This is sarcasm FYI. This is worse. Way worse. 

JCbride2015

sarahufl said:

Cookie Pusher said:

sarahufl said:

I did bring H to Sephora with me once to buy foundation. It was $27 (so not even close to being the most expensive thing at Sephora). He balked (jokingly, of course) and said "You are spending HOW MUCH on makeup?!" I looked at him and said that for our relationship to stay healthy, he might want to skip out on future trips to Sephora (I'm looking at you, Urban Decay Naked eyeshadow pallets). Hasn't been back with me since

My foundation is 60 bucks, so DH wouldn't even bat an eyelash at $27!

Honestly, I really can't relate to being told how to spend my money - for any reason. I've always earned my own. Even when I was out of work for an extended period of time, I still paid my half of all the household expenses because I had a sizable savings account at the time. Now that the wedding is done and paid for, our vehicles are paid for, and our student loans are paid for, we throw our extra money into savings for a house. Or not. We each spend our extra income however we choose with little judgment from the other (not gonna lie, I do judge some of DH's camo-painted purchases). If anything, my husband gets on my case because I don't spend ENOUGH money on fun things for myself.

I fuss at H all the time for this. Homeboy makes a lot of money and has for a long time but refuses to spend $100 bucks on a pair of new slacks. He wears faded, stained pants to weddings because they "still fit". I finally convinced him to get rid of a pair of Banana Republic slacks that are TEN YEARS OLD because they have bleach stains on them!

Fi once had a pair of jeans so old and threadbare that his BFF reached over, grabbed the thigh, and ripped the jeans wide open with one hand.

jackannlu

bc+rw16 said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to chime in again and say that this is one of the more constructive, honest chats I have seen on here in awhile. Nobody is being nasty, we are sharing our thoughts/experiences in a very constructive way.

What were you expecting? Why did you come here to vent your frustrations?

I have seen some very nasty threads go very, very awry and this is really just not one of them.

I was kind of expecting "Man that sucks, FI hates it when I get starbucks too" 

Well it does suck that your FI gets mad at your for getting Starbucks. But your not getting your expected response from us because the majority of us are in relationships in which neither partner attempts to control what the other does with their money. Marriage is a partnership. Whether you work or not, once your married, it is no longer his money or your money, it's your money as a couple. And the fact that he is doing it now while your guys are living at home with little expenses, indicates that this will probably be a reoccurring issue for you guys in the future. No one is telling you not to get married or to leave him, but just giving you some pretty solid advice on not only how to enrich yourself personally, but how to ultimately make your relationship a strong, healthy one.

Cookie Pusher

sarahufl said:

Cookie Pusher said:

sarahufl said:

I did bring H to Sephora with me once to buy foundation. It was $27 (so not even close to being the most expensive thing at Sephora). He balked (jokingly, of course) and said "You are spending HOW MUCH on makeup?!" I looked at him and said that for our relationship to stay healthy, he might want to skip out on future trips to Sephora (I'm looking at you, Urban Decay Naked eyeshadow pallets). Hasn't been back with me since

My foundation is 60 bucks, so DH wouldn't even bat an eyelash at $27!

Honestly, I really can't relate to being told how to spend my money - for any reason. I've always earned my own. Even when I was out of work for an extended period of time, I still paid my half of all the household expenses because I had a sizable savings account at the time. Now that the wedding is done and paid for, our vehicles are paid for, and our student loans are paid for, we throw our extra money into savings for a house. Or not. We each spend our extra income however we choose with little judgment from the other (not gonna lie, I do judge some of DH's camo-painted purchases). If anything, my husband gets on my case because I don't spend ENOUGH money on fun things for myself.

I fuss at H all the time for this. Homeboy makes a lot of money and has for a long time but refuses to spend $100 bucks on a pair of new slacks. He wears faded, stained pants to weddings because they "still fit". I finally convinced him to get rid of a pair of Banana Republic slacks that are TEN YEARS OLD because they have bleach stains on them!

Can't lie, I wear pants that are 10 years old. Mostly out of laziness because I hate trying to find pants that fit me right (super short but needing a high rise) because I hate going to the tailor. BUT, I do keep my clothes in impeccable shape. Plus, I have so much clothing that they don't really get worn that often (owning 90 sundresses and 40 pairs of slacks is normal, right?). 

That said, if I wanted to buy a whole new wardrobe every season, DH wouldn't give a shit so long as our household expenses and savings goals were being met each month. Just like I can't fuss at him too much when he goes out and spends $100 on an engine for his train set. Unless we're shirking our financial responsibilities, we treat each other like adults who can decide what to spend their money on.

pinklilly122

Whoa. I stopped reading the comments after page 4, I'm late to the party and probably everyone has said what I'm going to say, but I can't help myself.

First off you don't have kids, you're not pregnant...you're not a stay at home mom. You're a 19 year old kid with no job, living off your parents and fi. That's great you plan on being a sahm, I did too, AFTER I got pregnant. Second if you have no job, just because you don't "feel like growing up" I'd be mad at you for wasting what little money you did get on a game too. Third if you "don't feel like growing up" I highly recommend NOT getting married and planning on having kids, that's what grown ups do. And you will likely fail miserably if you don't grow up to do these things.

Now if you were married and had kids and were a sahm my answer would be extremly different. We're not married yet, but we live like we are, we have a son and I'm a sahm. I get a little extra cash here and there and I spend it however I want, fi never says a word about it. Granted I usual spend it on my son, but that's besides the point.