After finally catching up on this thread I've realized:
1) I really really want to do shots during my ceremony now.
2) I really really want to have a receiving line so I can do shots with everyone during the receiving line.
3) After almost 10 years of not really doing shots (for no real reason, just prefer sipping on drinks instead), I suddenly really really want to do some shots.
After finally catching up on this thread I've realized:
1) I really really want to do shots during my ceremony now.
2) I really really want to have a receiving line so I can do shots with everyone during the receiving line.
3) After almost 10 years of not really doing shots (for no real reason, just prefer sipping on drinks instead), I suddenly really really want to do some shots.
Yeah I had no idea you could do shots during the receiving line. It's such a great idea. I thought receiving lines sounds kind of boring but a shot receiving line sounds amazing.
After finally catching up on this thread I've realized:
1) I really really want to do shots during my ceremony now.
2) I really really want to have a receiving line so I can do shots with everyone during the receiving line.
3) After almost 10 years of not really doing shots (for no real reason, just prefer sipping on drinks instead), I suddenly really really want to do some shots.
Yeah I had no idea you could do shots during the receiving line. It's such a great idea. I thought receiving lines sounds kind of boring but a shot receiving line sounds amazing.
I can't quite picture how shots in a receiving line would work... Like, every guest has a shot, and the couple does a shot with each guest/group as they receive them?
It is okay to be direct. However, it needs to be done from the get-go. Being Meek Little Mindy at the rehearsal and then being Up-front Ursula after the honeymoon is a really easy way to be on someone's shit list. If you are uncomfortable being direct today, why will suddenly having that magic piece of paper make you better?
Hint: It won't.
I also was not being dramatic, or clutching any pearls. I sincerely, honestly meant every word of that. If I found out my FI had been lying to me about how they were going to treat my family after the wedding - be it cutting them out, or being as condescending and judgey and micromanagey as you've been in here, or suddenly being the King of the Overshare - it would be a major issue to me, because I did not marry a person who treated my family in that way, and I did not intend to.
Everything has already been discussed. We have discussed his family entirely too much because of their shenanigans and lack of respect. I'm not pulling the wool over his eyes, no matter what you think.
After finally catching up on this thread I've realized:
1) I really really want to do shots during my ceremony now.
2) I really really want to have a receiving line so I can do shots with everyone during the receiving line.
3) After almost 10 years of not really doing shots (for no real reason, just prefer sipping on drinks instead), I suddenly really really want to do some shots.
Yeah I had no idea you could do shots during the receiving line. It's such a great idea. I thought receiving lines sounds kind of boring but a shot receiving line sounds amazing.
I can't quite picture how shots in a receiving line would work... Like, every guest has a shot, and the couple does a shot with each guest/group as they receive them?
The couple can't do a shot with everyone. What if it was a 300 person wedding? They'd be so trashed/dead.
It is okay to be direct. However, it needs to be done from the get-go. Being Meek Little Mindy at the rehearsal and then being Up-front Ursula after the honeymoon is a really easy way to be on someone's shit list. If you are uncomfortable being direct today, why will suddenly having that magic piece of paper make you better?
Hint: It won't.
I also was not being dramatic, or clutching any pearls. I sincerely, honestly meant every word of that. If I found out my FI had been lying to me about how they were going to treat my family after the wedding - be it cutting them out, or being as condescending and judgey and micromanagey as you've been in here, or suddenly being the King of the Overshare - it would be a major issue to me, because I did not marry a person who treated my family in that way, and I did not intend to.
Everything has already been discussed. We have discussed his family entirely too much because of their shenanigans and lack of respect. I'm not pulling the wool over his eyes, no matter what you think.
What shenanigans? Or it this also something you won't tell us about?
@notdoingitbythebook I was actually going to ask if your FI was Italian, Portuguese or Greek because shots on the receiving line is de rigeur at those weddings (and so much fun). As well, cash bars are unheard of for those families.
I have plenty of members of my family who act like utter and complete idiots while drinking, they are not invited to my wedding. My mother who is a functional alcoholic will be coming to my dry wedding.
As PPs have said, you have much larger issues at stake rather than your dismissal of alcohol as pure evil. You and your future husband do not necessarily seem to be on the same page. You do realise that your marriage is going to be more than your wedding day. His family will become your family, you may not agree with them in all things but they are an important part of who he is. He may not always be the "black sheep" in the family. As I got older, I stopped being the "black sheep" as family members realised that I just needed to grow up a little and find my own way in the world.
Well, we are on the same page, it's why we're compromising on things like this bar. He's found more family in my family than I'll ever find in his. That's their way. I'm fully aware that his family becomes mine and mine becomes his. If their behaviour is any indication, they will never change their opinion of him regardless of how much he turns his life around more than he already has. And that's the sad part.
Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Welcome to the interwebz. Until I know you in person, I will not take your opinion under advisement. Then why are you posting on an internet message board? You aren't here seeking any kind of wedding planning advice or information from others? I know that in this particular instance you aren't the OP, but you don't want any wedding related advice? If you think I'm rage filled, you're wrong. But that's okay. It doesn't bother me. I do think you have rage issues because of how many times you referred to family and friends as "stupid" "morons" etc. and by how resentful you come across as having to host an open bar due to your FI and your FILs. And other posters here are picking up on those same things, so I'm not wrong. But you can think otherwise.
In this one aspect of the wedding, hellz ya I'm resentful. But I won on other aspects. I'm down with the whole card box thing right now (and even asked advice on something... shocking I know). Alcohol is an extremely touchy issue. But why don't we go talk cake or flowers or something... there not so much. Everyone has their hot points. This is one of them for me. What is it for you?
Ok good, you admit it!
Since alcohol is this touchy a subject of you and you are so against it, I wonder why you choose to give in on this issue, instead of standing your ground? And why wouldn't your FI support you on this?
What on Earth were the other two hills you refused to die on?
This. I cannot imagine anything about which you could possibly be more vehemently against, so why did you not choose THIS to be one of your hills? Because... if I hated something this much, it would not only be a hill I'd die on, but I'd die on it screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!! because seriously I cannot imagine being this riled up over something.
ETA: I see where you answered this question earlier. And... yeah, no. I think I would have let one of those go. This is clearly a MUCH bigger issue.
Actually, it's a smaller issue than the IL interference. My FH wanted social drinking and agreed to put some limitations on it as a compromise. If people behave with alcohol I'm fine. It's the ones that I know won't behave (and that is the minority) that scare me. I don't tolerate fools well and the people who drink excessively fall into that category. So because my FH wants the bar, we're having it. There are other things we're having that he's fine with because I want them. It's a compromise. One I don't like very much but I couldn't put my foot down completely on this one.
So do you need to invite these people at all? Who are they in relation to you? How many? What exactly do they do while drunk that is so awful?
As long as they don't start a physical altercation or grope anyone, honestly there's really nothing they can do to really ruin your reception unless you LET them effect you in that manner. Well ok, spilling a drink on your dress would be just awful, but even a sober klutz could do that!
Just think about it. Say they get falling down drunk. . . how does that actually effect you directly? If it's just that they annoy you, you can work on not getting annoyed.
The majority are FHs family, a couple are friends and one is on my side. So they are invited. And what do they do? Some get mean, some get annoying. How does it affect me when they get falling down drunk? Well, they say shitty things and do shitty things. It's just not what I want to be around. Thankfully I have people around me to run interference and get me away from them if I need to.
These are shitty people. Shitty people should not be in your life. Regardless of genetics.
Trust me. I totally agree with you. And I'm working on it. For the sake of FH, I'm not rocking the boat at this time. After the wedding, because I am marrying him and not these shitty people, I will rock it more. I know it pains my FH, so I am trying to spare his feelings while dealing with his family.
Does he know that after you officially marry him you plan on cutting off (or at least limiting) your interaction with his family?
Cause...that's something that needs to be talked about way prior to marriage. We've cut off members of both of our families but, we talked about it before it happened.
I don't plan to cut myself out of his family's lives... I just plan to deal with it differently than I do now. And that doesn't mean being obnoxious. It just means being a bit more direct when it comes to their shenanigans (not necessarily alcohol related).
Yeah but you need to discuss this with this your fiance now prior to getting married, because once you're married you guys have to be on the same page, especially when dealing with his family. If you just start confronting your fiance's family out of the blue it's going to create a you vs them situation, and its going to put your FI in the middle. That's going to be especially troublesome if he doesn't actually agree with your position.
Considering he does agree with my position, there's nothing to consider troubling. Once again, we are on the same page. We've discussed his family issues and my family issues at length. It's actually getting rather tedious. Things have to change. And they will. We're just biding our time until it's the right moment.
1) I really really want to do shots during my ceremony now.
2) I really really want to have a receiving line so I can do shots with everyone during the receiving line.
3) After almost 10 years of not really doing shots (for no real reason, just prefer sipping on drinks instead), I suddenly really really want to do some shots.
Yeah I had no idea you could do shots during the receiving line. It's such a great idea. I thought receiving lines sounds kind of boring but a shot receiving line sounds amazing.
I can't quite picture how shots in a receiving line would work... Like, every guest has a shot, and the couple does a shot with each guest/group as they receive them?
The couple can't do a shot with everyone. What if it was a 300 person wedding? They'd be so trashed/dead. ----BOXES----
No shit, 300 shots would kill someone?! I never knew that.
But that doesn't answer my question. Anyone else understand and care to explain how it works?
After finally catching up on this thread I've realized:
1) I really really want to do shots during my ceremony now.
2) I really really want to have a receiving line so I can do shots with everyone during the receiving line.
3) After almost 10 years of not really doing shots (for no real reason, just prefer sipping on drinks instead), I suddenly really really want to do some shots.
Yeah I had no idea you could do shots during the receiving line. It's such a great idea. I thought receiving lines sounds kind of boring but a shot receiving line sounds amazing.
I can't quite picture how shots in a receiving line would work... Like, every guest has a shot, and the couple does a shot with each guest/group as they receive them?
The couple can't do a shot with everyone. What if it was a 300 person wedding? They'd be so trashed/dead.
I got it! You make a weaker mixed drink and pour it in the "Pinterest" perfect bottle, and take swigs of it while the guests take their shots! Or pull the "shotgirl/boy" trick and have most of the couple's shots just be cranberry juice, with a few "real" ones mixed in so they aren't trashed by the end of the receiving line.
Personally, I'm thinking just having one big shot with everybody would be awesome. As someone else posted, maybe leave shot glasses and a bottle on each table and then have everyone take one at the same time??
I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time.
So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.
I have never seen anyone on these boards suggest that alcohol is a requirement for good hosting. They have only stated if you are going to have alcohol host it properly. They have stated many times that dry weddings can be just as fun as open bars.
Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?
To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.
I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.
Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.
Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???
I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?
The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."
Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor.
Oh FFS. Just because people bring their own beverages doesn't mean that the hosts do not offer anything. It's just how our circle rolls, we all contribute, no matter whose house we're at or how perfectly under control things are. I'm hosting a party on Friday, I have the whole meal under control and FH has laid in some alcoholic beverages but still our friends will bring their own beverages and food to contribute. Because that's what we do. It's never asked, people just do it. It's not that my circle doesn't host properly, we just don't believe in showing up empty handed and not contributing. I won't ask my friends to help clean up afterward, they just will help bring the food back into the house and tidy up before leaving. Because we like to help each other out. I had no idea being generous and helpful was creating a badly hosted event. Sheesh.
I was going to comment on the vegetarian/ vegan/ cultural food thing, but many too many quote boxes going on!!
Addressing your guests' dietary concerns is what a good host does. It is not catering, it is not demanding it is being respectful. If you don't care to address these concerns then don't invite people over- go out to a restaurant.
We have a friend who is vegetarian and another who eats Halal. We invited our friends over and served pasta with meatballs. We kept them separate and also made a vegetable sauce for the pasta. Served with cheese bread and salad on the side. Voila. Simple, every guest considered, not hard.
I agree it's not hard. However, not everyone is confident enough in the kitchen so why would I put more pressure on them. When people come over, I create a meal everyone can eat. When I go elsewhere I ask if I can help, knowing I am the only vegetarian in the group and not everyone is schooled in what can be done. Sometimes they take my help, sometimes they say they've got it under control. Again, that's what friends do. So far, I have 5 different special meals that need to be created for my wedding. Each person with special dietary requirements has approached me to say not to fuss but I have already spoken with the chef and it's no problem. In a private home, it's different because not everyone has the training.
I should probably finish reading through the comments before posting, but I can't help myself. Do you realize how snobbish you sound in this post? You're basically insinuating that people who are not trained in a culinary school, or aren't "comfortable in the kitchen" could not possibly figure out how to take into account your dietary needs. If I invite someone over who I know is vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free, whatever, I am doing so with the understanding that I will have to accommodate their needs. If that's something I can't do, I would more than likely make plans to eat out or order in (which is what my friend who doesn't cook does, she gets dinner catered because she's a good host). Please do not insult your friends by insinuating they can't figure out how to make a meal that's vegetarian friendly. Posts like these make me truly appreciate my friends who would never look down on me that way and insult my abilities to host them.
Actually, no I don't think I sound snobbish. Are you telling me that everyone you know is comfortable in their kitchen cooking things that they've never cooked before? If so, bravo. You have some great friends. I do as well, but they don't cook vegetarian very often or how to add a vegetarian option to an already meat filled meal. I offer to bring something to take that pressure off them, just as my diabetic friend offers to bring a diabetic friendly dessert since she's the only one. And my kosher friend offers to bring kosher food since my kitchen is not kosher. And so on and so on and so on. We help each other out. Not everyone went to culinary school, not everyone has a lot of cooking experience, not everyone knows how to mix a drink or change a tire or caulk a bathtub. In my circle we offer to help each other out, we don't expect everyone to be able to do everything all on their own. We've built a community and we share. Not sure what's snobbish about that. I'm the cook in our community, just like one friend is the tech expert and the other is the wine expert and another is a car expert. They help me when I need help and in turn I help them. That's how it works between people.
Where do you draw the line? I had a few glasses of wine so I'm drunk or I'm dancing on tables? I feel like you are purposely not clarifying what makes someone intoxicated and whtere or not someone is becomes strictly your judgement call. You haven't proven that how you arrive at such a conclusion makes sense.
Your statement about not needing alcohol to have a good time is fine. But again, it smacks of being completely defensive. I think the average person doesn't think it's required but it makes the party a hell of a lot better. Similarly you don't need an ass ton of food or great cake but you know what - a good cake can help.
Why does alcohol make a party a hell of a lot better? I have never understood this sentiment. Do you like to drink? Honest question. If you do not, no one will be able to explain this statement to you. It would be akin to a person who always wanted to and chose to have children explaining to a person who has never wanted and chose to be child free why kids are the best thing ever.
Where do I draw the line? It depends on the person and how much I trust them. My FH or my best friend can probably get away with a couple more than the average person. I just think multiple drinks at any time is just excessive... just like I think eating an entire cake is excessive. Actually, I think one person eating an entire cake in one sitting is pretty stupid too.
I believe in this thing called moderation, which few people seem to adhere to in social settings. Not to mention a lot of people consider weddings with open bars a time to completely lose their shit because they aren't paying for it (directly quoting quite a few conversations over the years). And those are shitty or juvenile- as in young- people who are not actually representative of the majority of social drinkers. So you are extrapolating the behavior of a few gross people out onto the wider population of people who like to drink socially- which is called a sweeping generalization.
Do your FILs have a drinking problem? Are they actually alcoholics? Or do they just drink too much in your opinion? How about your FI? I'm only asking because your FIL's and your FI are the ones that really wanted the open bar, right?
I drink very rarely and if I do it's one and then I'm done. I get wicked migraines from alcohol so most of the time it's just not worth the bother. I am usually the DD, which is fine because I know people get home safe but also a drag when it comes to dealing with some people.
Are there drinking issues in my ILs families? Yes. Do I think they drink too much? Yes. It's a focus point of all celebrations. They do celebratory shots (which is why we are not doing a receiving line or having them available in the cocktail hour) at all occasions. I just think this is ridiculous to have that much alcohol be that much of a focus. My family has alcohol but it is not a focal point. I think having a normal drink and then having shots on top of that is excessive. This is a normal cultural thing for them. For me, it is an uncomfortable awkward thing to sit through. I generally "take the air" when this shit starts.
What the fuck does a receiving line have to do with taking shots?
Also, so shots are what you consider the crossover into alcoholism? Because that's ridiculous. There is generally a shot or more in every mixed drink. It's the same thing as having a rum and coke.
Man we did shots DURING THE CEREMONY. Girl would've lost her damn mind. They are up there DRINKING while they are GETTING MARRIED!!!
Jeeves! Fetching me my smelling salts! I am about to faint!
Just in case the boxes-------------------------------------------------------------------
And now I want to do shots during my ceremony too. Did someone bring up the booze and glasses or did you have them set-up somewhere??
We had them set up pre-ceremony like, slightly off to the side and then we just quickly stepped over, did the unity cocktail, did our shots, and got back to the business of getting married.
@notdoingitbythebook I was actually going to ask if your FI was Italian, Portuguese or Greek because shots on the receiving line is de rigeur at those weddings (and so much fun). As well, cash bars are unheard of for those families.
I have plenty of members of my family who act like utter and complete idiots while drinking, they are not invited to my wedding. My mother who is a functional alcoholic will be coming to my dry wedding.
As PPs have said, you have much larger issues at stake rather than your dismissal of alcohol as pure evil. You and your future husband do not necessarily seem to be on the same page. You do realise that your marriage is going to be more than your wedding day. His family will become your family, you may not agree with them in all things but they are an important part of who he is. He may not always be the "black sheep" in the family. As I got older, I stopped being the "black sheep" as family members realised that I just needed to grow up a little and find my own way in the world.
My family is Italian in my dad's side. . .we do not do shots in the receiving line. I've been to other Italian weddings a days this didn't happen.
That's a family thing.
I don't doubt it. Where I live the Italian community is from the same area of Italy so many of the weddings are similar, and most people are paesano. The shots in the receiving line are usually sambuca or ouzo, sometimes grappa.
I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time.
So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.
I have never seen anyone on these boards suggest that alcohol is a requirement for good hosting. They have only stated if you are going to have alcohol host it properly. They have stated many times that dry weddings can be just as fun as open bars.
Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?
To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.
I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.
Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.
Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???
I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?
The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."
Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor.
Oh FFS. Just because people bring their own beverages doesn't mean that the hosts do not offer anything. It's just how our circle rolls, we all contribute, no matter whose house we're at or how perfectly under control things are. I'm hosting a party on Friday, I have the whole meal under control and FH has laid in some alcoholic beverages but still our friends will bring their own beverages and food to contribute. Because that's what we do. It's never asked, people just do it. It's not that my circle doesn't host properly, we just don't believe in showing up empty handed and not contributing. I won't ask my friends to help clean up afterward, they just will help bring the food back into the house and tidy up before leaving. Because we like to help each other out. I had no idea being generous and helpful was creating a badly hosted event. Sheesh.
I was going to comment on the vegetarian/ vegan/ cultural food thing, but many too many quote boxes going on!!
Addressing your guests' dietary concerns is what a good host does. It is not catering, it is not demanding it is being respectful. If you don't care to address these concerns then don't invite people over- go out to a restaurant.
We have a friend who is vegetarian and another who eats Halal. We invited our friends over and served pasta with meatballs. We kept them separate and also made a vegetable sauce for the pasta. Served with cheese bread and salad on the side. Voila. Simple, every guest considered, not hard.
I agree it's not hard. However, not everyone is confident enough in the kitchen so why would I put more pressure on them. When people come over, I create a meal everyone can eat. When I go elsewhere I ask if I can help, knowing I am the only vegetarian in the group and not everyone is schooled in what can be done. Sometimes they take my help, sometimes they say they've got it under control. Again, that's what friends do. So far, I have 5 different special meals that need to be created for my wedding. Each person with special dietary requirements has approached me to say not to fuss but I have already spoken with the chef and it's no problem. In a private home, it's different because not everyone has the training.
I should probably finish reading through the comments before posting, but I can't help myself. Do you realize how snobbish you sound in this post? You're basically insinuating that people who are not trained in a culinary school, or aren't "comfortable in the kitchen" could not possibly figure out how to take into account your dietary needs. If I invite someone over who I know is vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free, whatever, I am doing so with the understanding that I will have to accommodate their needs. If that's something I can't do, I would more than likely make plans to eat out or order in (which is what my friend who doesn't cook does, she gets dinner catered because she's a good host). Please do not insult your friends by insinuating they can't figure out how to make a meal that's vegetarian friendly. Posts like these make me truly appreciate my friends who would never look down on me that way and insult my abilities to host them.
Actually, no I don't think I sound snobbish. Are you telling me that everyone you know is comfortable in their kitchen cooking things that they've never cooked before? If so, bravo. You have some great friends. I do as well, but they don't cook vegetarian very often or how to add a vegetarian option to an already meat filled meal. I offer to bring something to take that pressure off them, just as my diabetic friend offers to bring a diabetic friendly dessert since she's the only one. And my kosher friend offers to bring kosher food since my kitchen is not kosher. And so on and so on and so on. We help each other out. Not everyone went to culinary school, not everyone has a lot of cooking experience, not everyone knows how to mix a drink or change a tire or caulk a bathtub. In my circle we offer to help each other out, we don't expect everyone to be able to do everything all on their own. We've built a community and we share. Not sure what's snobbish about that. I'm the cook in our community, just like one friend is the tech expert and the other is the wine expert and another is a car expert. They help me when I need help and in turn I help them. That's how it works between people.
Do none of them know how to go to a grocery store or pick up take out? I still don't understand why you consider your friends to be so helpless and unable to properly host without your help? I don't cook vegetarian very often either, if you came over my house, as an adult, I'm pretty confident I could figure out how to make a meal or order a meal somewhere to accommodate you. I wouldn't need you to help.
There's nothing wrong with bringing the host or hostess a gift. I think most people agree that it's polite to not come empty handed. But I have to wonder about you and your friends if none of you is capable of hosting properly without assistance. Like I said, my friend can't cook to save her life, so she orders out when she hosts. I'd never think to make her feel bad about her lack of cooking skills by offering to cook the meal myself. I let her host the way she sees fit.
Don't you take pride in hosting others? I do. And yeah, a friend would take some of the fun out of it if in their desire to "help" they insinuated I didn't have the skills or ability to host them properly. I'm not an idiot. I know how to order takeout if I can't figure out how to follow a recipe. It's really not that hard.
I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time.
So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.
I have never seen anyone on these boards suggest that alcohol is a requirement for good hosting. They have only stated if you are going to have alcohol host it properly. They have stated many times that dry weddings can be just as fun as open bars.
Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?
To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.
I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.
Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.
Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???
I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?
The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."
Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor.
Oh FFS. Just because people bring their own beverages doesn't mean that the hosts do not offer anything. It's just how our circle rolls, we all contribute, no matter whose house we're at or how perfectly under control things are. I'm hosting a party on Friday, I have the whole meal under control and FH has laid in some alcoholic beverages but still our friends will bring their own beverages and food to contribute. Because that's what we do. It's never asked, people just do it. It's not that my circle doesn't host properly, we just don't believe in showing up empty handed and not contributing. I won't ask my friends to help clean up afterward, they just will help bring the food back into the house and tidy up before leaving. Because we like to help each other out. I had no idea being generous and helpful was creating a badly hosted event. Sheesh.
I was going to comment on the vegetarian/ vegan/ cultural food thing, but many too many quote boxes going on!!
Addressing your guests' dietary concerns is what a good host does. It is not catering, it is not demanding it is being respectful. If you don't care to address these concerns then don't invite people over- go out to a restaurant.
We have a friend who is vegetarian and another who eats Halal. We invited our friends over and served pasta with meatballs. We kept them separate and also made a vegetable sauce for the pasta. Served with cheese bread and salad on the side. Voila. Simple, every guest considered, not hard.
I agree it's not hard. However, not everyone is confident enough in the kitchen so why would I put more pressure on them. When people come over, I create a meal everyone can eat. When I go elsewhere I ask if I can help, knowing I am the only vegetarian in the group and not everyone is schooled in what can be done. Sometimes they take my help, sometimes they say they've got it under control. Again, that's what friends do. So far, I have 5 different special meals that need to be created for my wedding. Each person with special dietary requirements has approached me to say not to fuss but I have already spoken with the chef and it's no problem. In a private home, it's different because not everyone has the training.
I should probably finish reading through the comments before posting, but I can't help myself. Do you realize how snobbish you sound in this post? You're basically insinuating that people who are not trained in a culinary school, or aren't "comfortable in the kitchen" could not possibly figure out how to take into account your dietary needs. If I invite someone over who I know is vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free, whatever, I am doing so with the understanding that I will have to accommodate their needs. If that's something I can't do, I would more than likely make plans to eat out or order in (which is what my friend who doesn't cook does, she gets dinner catered because she's a good host). Please do not insult your friends by insinuating they can't figure out how to make a meal that's vegetarian friendly. Posts like these make me truly appreciate my friends who would never look down on me that way and insult my abilities to host them.
Actually, no I don't think I sound snobbish. Are you telling me that everyone you know is comfortable in their kitchen cooking things that they've never cooked before? If so, bravo. You have some great friends. I do as well, but they don't cook vegetarian very often or how to add a vegetarian option to an already meat filled meal. I offer to bring something to take that pressure off them, just as my diabetic friend offers to bring a diabetic friendly dessert since she's the only one. And my kosher friend offers to bring kosher food since my kitchen is not kosher. And so on and so on and so on. We help each other out. Not everyone went to culinary school, not everyone has a lot of cooking experience, not everyone knows how to mix a drink or change a tire or caulk a bathtub. In my circle we offer to help each other out, we don't expect everyone to be able to do everything all on their own. We've built a community and we share. Not sure what's snobbish about that. I'm the cook in our community, just like one friend is the tech expert and the other is the wine expert and another is a car expert. They help me when I need help and in turn I help them. That's how it works between people.
The only thing missing is an etiquette expert! And that, of course, is why you came here.
Where do you draw the line? I had a few glasses of wine so I'm drunk or I'm dancing on tables? I feel like you are purposely not clarifying what makes someone intoxicated and whtere or not someone is becomes strictly your judgement call. You haven't proven that how you arrive at such a conclusion makes sense.
Your statement about not needing alcohol to have a good time is fine. But again, it smacks of being completely defensive. I think the average person doesn't think it's required but it makes the party a hell of a lot better. Similarly you don't need an ass ton of food or great cake but you know what - a good cake can help.
Why does alcohol make a party a hell of a lot better? I have never understood this sentiment. Do you like to drink? Honest question. If you do not, no one will be able to explain this statement to you. It would be akin to a person who always wanted to and chose to have children explaining to a person who has never wanted and chose to be child free why kids are the best thing ever.
Where do I draw the line? It depends on the person and how much I trust them. My FH or my best friend can probably get away with a couple more than the average person. I just think multiple drinks at any time is just excessive... just like I think eating an entire cake is excessive. Actually, I think one person eating an entire cake in one sitting is pretty stupid too.
I believe in this thing called moderation, which few people seem to adhere to in social settings. Not to mention a lot of people consider weddings with open bars a time to completely lose their shit because they aren't paying for it (directly quoting quite a few conversations over the years). And those are shitty or juvenile- as in young- people who are not actually representative of the majority of social drinkers. So you are extrapolating the behavior of a few gross people out onto the wider population of people who like to drink socially- which is called a sweeping generalization.
Do your FILs have a drinking problem? Are they actually alcoholics? Or do they just drink too much in your opinion? How about your FI? I'm only asking because your FIL's and your FI are the ones that really wanted the open bar, right?
I drink very rarely and if I do it's one and then I'm done. I get wicked migraines from alcohol so most of the time it's just not worth the bother. I am usually the DD, which is fine because I know people get home safe but also a drag when it comes to dealing with some people.
Are there drinking issues in my ILs families? Yes. Do I think they drink too much? Yes. It's a focus point of all celebrations. They do celebratory shots (which is why we are not doing a receiving line or having them available in the cocktail hour) at all occasions. I just think this is ridiculous to have that much alcohol be that much of a focus. My family has alcohol but it is not a focal point. I think having a normal drink and then having shots on top of that is excessive. This is a normal cultural thing for them. For me, it is an uncomfortable awkward thing to sit through. I generally "take the air" when this shit starts.
What the fuck does a receiving line have to do with taking shots?
Also, so shots are what you consider the crossover into alcoholism? Because that's ridiculous. There is generally a shot or more in every mixed drink. It's the same thing as having a rum and coke.
I am just as shocked as you that they do celebratory shots in the receiving line. When I was told stories of other weddings (before we were engaged) I had a look of horror on my face (they laughed at it). I knew then that there was no way in hell we were doing a receiving line to encourage that. So far so good. I'm sure someone will freak out, but I don't care. No receiving line, no celebratory shots in the cocktail hour.
I have always found shots to be stupid. I really don't see the point of them. They are just a gateway to drunkenness. Mixing makes the drink last somewhat longer and doesn't have the person ingesting it in one solitary go.
I tend to think shots are healthier cause you don't have all that sugary crap to water down the liquor with.
Also: Have you ever been drunk? It's a fucking blast.
I would also recommend smoking something. It might loosen your asshole a bit!
I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time.
So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.
I have never seen anyone on these boards suggest that alcohol is a requirement for good hosting. They have only stated if you are going to have alcohol host it properly. They have stated many times that dry weddings can be just as fun as open bars.
Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?
To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.
I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.
Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.
Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???
I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?
The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."
Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor.
Oh FFS. Just because people bring their own beverages doesn't mean that the hosts do not offer anything. It's just how our circle rolls, we all contribute, no matter whose house we're at or how perfectly under control things are. I'm hosting a party on Friday, I have the whole meal under control and FH has laid in some alcoholic beverages but still our friends will bring their own beverages and food to contribute. Because that's what we do. It's never asked, people just do it. It's not that my circle doesn't host properly, we just don't believe in showing up empty handed and not contributing. I won't ask my friends to help clean up afterward, they just will help bring the food back into the house and tidy up before leaving. Because we like to help each other out. I had no idea being generous and helpful was creating a badly hosted event. Sheesh.
I was going to comment on the vegetarian/ vegan/ cultural food thing, but many too many quote boxes going on!!
Addressing your guests' dietary concerns is what a good host does. It is not catering, it is not demanding it is being respectful. If you don't care to address these concerns then don't invite people over- go out to a restaurant.
We have a friend who is vegetarian and another who eats Halal. We invited our friends over and served pasta with meatballs. We kept them separate and also made a vegetable sauce for the pasta. Served with cheese bread and salad on the side. Voila. Simple, every guest considered, not hard.
I agree it's not hard. However, not everyone is confident enough in the kitchen so why would I put more pressure on them. When people come over, I create a meal everyone can eat. When I go elsewhere I ask if I can help, knowing I am the only vegetarian in the group and not everyone is schooled in what can be done. Sometimes they take my help, sometimes they say they've got it under control. Again, that's what friends do. So far, I have 5 different special meals that need to be created for my wedding. Each person with special dietary requirements has approached me to say not to fuss but I have already spoken with the chef and it's no problem. In a private home, it's different because not everyone has the training.
I should probably finish reading through the comments before posting, but I can't help myself. Do you realize how snobbish you sound in this post? You're basically insinuating that people who are not trained in a culinary school, or aren't "comfortable in the kitchen" could not possibly figure out how to take into account your dietary needs. If I invite someone over who I know is vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free, whatever, I am doing so with the understanding that I will have to accommodate their needs. If that's something I can't do, I would more than likely make plans to eat out or order in (which is what my friend who doesn't cook does, she gets dinner catered because she's a good host). Please do not insult your friends by insinuating they can't figure out how to make a meal that's vegetarian friendly. Posts like these make me truly appreciate my friends who would never look down on me that way and insult my abilities to host them.
Actually, no I don't think I sound snobbish. Are you telling me that everyone you know is comfortable in their kitchen cooking things that they've never cooked before? If so, bravo. You have some great friends. I do as well, but they don't cook vegetarian very often or how to add a vegetarian option to an already meat filled meal. I offer to bring something to take that pressure off them, just as my diabetic friend offers to bring a diabetic friendly dessert since she's the only one. And my kosher friend offers to bring kosher food since my kitchen is not kosher. And so on and so on and so on. We help each other out. Not everyone went to culinary school, not everyone has a lot of cooking experience, not everyone knows how to mix a drink or change a tire or caulk a bathtub. In my circle we offer to help each other out, we don't expect everyone to be able to do everything all on their own. We've built a community and we share. Not sure what's snobbish about that. I'm the cook in our community, just like one friend is the tech expert and the other is the wine expert and another is a car expert. They help me when I need help and in turn I help them. That's how it works between people.
Do none of them know how to go to a grocery store or pick up take out? I still don't understand why you consider your friends to be so helpless and unable to properly host without your help? I don't cook vegetarian very often either, if you came over my house, as an adult, I'm pretty confident I could figure out how to make a meal or order a meal somewhere to accommodate you. I wouldn't need you to help.
There's nothing wrong with bringing the host or hostess a gift. I think most people agree that it's polite to not come empty handed. But I have to wonder about you and your friends if none of you is capable of hosting properly without assistance. Like I said, my friend can't cook to save her life, so she orders out when she hosts. I'd never think to make her feel bad about her lack of cooking skills by offering to cook the meal myself. I let her host the way she sees fit.
Don't you take pride in hosting others? I do. And yeah, a friend would take some of the fun out of it if in their desire to "help" they insinuated I didn't have the skills or ability to host them properly. I'm not an idiot. I know how to order takeout if I can't figure out how to follow a recipe. It's really not that hard.
We take pride in helping each other and we take pride in hosting. They do not have to be mutually exclusive. Why should someone have to go through the hassle of ordering out and making a completely separate component of a dinner when I'm the only one? Seems like a lot of extra work for nothing. I've never insinuated that they lack the cooking skills, they've told me as much! Do they always take me up on my offer? No. And that's cool. Generally in our circle if we're ordering take out, everyone chips in for the cost. I've never heard of someone expecting just one person to pick up the whole tab for a large group doing take out. Someone may do it, but no one expects it. Everyone chips in their 20 bucks or whatever and we feast together when it arrives.
I'm hosting a party tomorrow. I'm currently taking a break from getting ready. We've got everything under control. Even though I tell my friends that and repeat it until I'm blue in the face, they will still bring stuff to contribute to the evening, both beverages and food. That's just how our circle rolls. We don't expect one person to carry the burden of everything. People bring hostess gifts occasionally, but mostly we bring food, drink and merriment to contribute to the evening. And if people show up empty handed, that's okay too, no one is expected to contribute. But everyone offers. That's just who we are.
Where do you draw the line? I had a few glasses of wine so I'm drunk or I'm dancing on tables? I feel like you are purposely not clarifying what makes someone intoxicated and whtere or not someone is becomes strictly your judgement call. You haven't proven that how you arrive at such a conclusion makes sense.
Your statement about not needing alcohol to have a good time is fine. But again, it smacks of being completely defensive. I think the average person doesn't think it's required but it makes the party a hell of a lot better. Similarly you don't need an ass ton of food or great cake but you know what - a good cake can help.
Why does alcohol make a party a hell of a lot better? I have never understood this sentiment. Do you like to drink? Honest question. If you do not, no one will be able to explain this statement to you. It would be akin to a person who always wanted to and chose to have children explaining to a person who has never wanted and chose to be child free why kids are the best thing ever.
Where do I draw the line? It depends on the person and how much I trust them. My FH or my best friend can probably get away with a couple more than the average person. I just think multiple drinks at any time is just excessive... just like I think eating an entire cake is excessive. Actually, I think one person eating an entire cake in one sitting is pretty stupid too.
I believe in this thing called moderation, which few people seem to adhere to in social settings. Not to mention a lot of people consider weddings with open bars a time to completely lose their shit because they aren't paying for it (directly quoting quite a few conversations over the years). And those are shitty or juvenile- as in young- people who are not actually representative of the majority of social drinkers. So you are extrapolating the behavior of a few gross people out onto the wider population of people who like to drink socially- which is called a sweeping generalization.
Do your FILs have a drinking problem? Are they actually alcoholics? Or do they just drink too much in your opinion? How about your FI? I'm only asking because your FIL's and your FI are the ones that really wanted the open bar, right?
I drink very rarely and if I do it's one and then I'm done. I get wicked migraines from alcohol so most of the time it's just not worth the bother. I am usually the DD, which is fine because I know people get home safe but also a drag when it comes to dealing with some people.
Are there drinking issues in my ILs families? Yes. Do I think they drink too much? Yes. It's a focus point of all celebrations. They do celebratory shots (which is why we are not doing a receiving line or having them available in the cocktail hour) at all occasions. I just think this is ridiculous to have that much alcohol be that much of a focus. My family has alcohol but it is not a focal point. I think having a normal drink and then having shots on top of that is excessive. This is a normal cultural thing for them. For me, it is an uncomfortable awkward thing to sit through. I generally "take the air" when this shit starts.
What the fuck does a receiving line have to do with taking shots?
Also, so shots are what you consider the crossover into alcoholism? Because that's ridiculous. There is generally a shot or more in every mixed drink. It's the same thing as having a rum and coke.
I am just as shocked as you that they do celebratory shots in the receiving line. When I was told stories of other weddings (before we were engaged) I had a look of horror on my face (they laughed at it). I knew then that there was no way in hell we were doing a receiving line to encourage that. So far so good. I'm sure someone will freak out, but I don't care. No receiving line, no celebratory shots in the cocktail hour.
I have always found shots to be stupid. I really don't see the point of them. They are just a gateway to drunkenness. Mixing makes the drink last somewhat longer and doesn't have the person ingesting it in one solitary go.
I tend to think shots are healthier cause you don't have all that sugary crap to water down the liquor with.
Also: Have you ever been drunk? It's a fucking blast.
I would also recommend smoking something. It might loosen your asshole a bit!
I have been drunk. It wasn't the blast people told me it would be. It was just being out of control. Meh. Now getting drunk is a health hazard, so it's just silly to consider.
Where do you draw the line? I had a few glasses of wine so I'm drunk or I'm dancing on tables? I feel like you are purposely not clarifying what makes someone intoxicated and whtere or not someone is becomes strictly your judgement call. You haven't proven that how you arrive at such a conclusion makes sense.
Your statement about not needing alcohol to have a good time is fine. But again, it smacks of being completely defensive. I think the average person doesn't think it's required but it makes the party a hell of a lot better. Similarly you don't need an ass ton of food or great cake but you know what - a good cake can help.
Why does alcohol make a party a hell of a lot better? I have never understood this sentiment. Do you like to drink? Honest question. If you do not, no one will be able to explain this statement to you. It would be akin to a person who always wanted to and chose to have children explaining to a person who has never wanted and chose to be child free why kids are the best thing ever.
Where do I draw the line? It depends on the person and how much I trust them. My FH or my best friend can probably get away with a couple more than the average person. I just think multiple drinks at any time is just excessive... just like I think eating an entire cake is excessive. Actually, I think one person eating an entire cake in one sitting is pretty stupid too.
I believe in this thing called moderation, which few people seem to adhere to in social settings. Not to mention a lot of people consider weddings with open bars a time to completely lose their shit because they aren't paying for it (directly quoting quite a few conversations over the years). And those are shitty or juvenile- as in young- people who are not actually representative of the majority of social drinkers. So you are extrapolating the behavior of a few gross people out onto the wider population of people who like to drink socially- which is called a sweeping generalization.
Do your FILs have a drinking problem? Are they actually alcoholics? Or do they just drink too much in your opinion? How about your FI? I'm only asking because your FIL's and your FI are the ones that really wanted the open bar, right?
I drink very rarely and if I do it's one and then I'm done. I get wicked migraines from alcohol so most of the time it's just not worth the bother. I am usually the DD, which is fine because I know people get home safe but also a drag when it comes to dealing with some people.
Are there drinking issues in my ILs families? Yes. Do I think they drink too much? Yes. It's a focus point of all celebrations. They do celebratory shots (which is why we are not doing a receiving line or having them available in the cocktail hour) at all occasions. I just think this is ridiculous to have that much alcohol be that much of a focus. My family has alcohol but it is not a focal point. I think having a normal drink and then having shots on top of that is excessive. This is a normal cultural thing for them. For me, it is an uncomfortable awkward thing to sit through. I generally "take the air" when this shit starts.
What the fuck does a receiving line have to do with taking shots?
Also, so shots are what you consider the crossover into alcoholism? Because that's ridiculous. There is generally a shot or more in every mixed drink. It's the same thing as having a rum and coke.
I am just as shocked as you that they do celebratory shots in the receiving line. When I was told stories of other weddings (before we were engaged) I had a look of horror on my face (they laughed at it). I knew then that there was no way in hell we were doing a receiving line to encourage that. So far so good. I'm sure someone will freak out, but I don't care. No receiving line, no celebratory shots in the cocktail hour.
I have always found shots to be stupid. I really don't see the point of them. They are just a gateway to drunkenness. Mixing makes the drink last somewhat longer and doesn't have the person ingesting it in one solitary go.
I tend to think shots are healthier cause you don't have all that sugary crap to water down the liquor with.
Also: Have you ever been drunk? It's a fucking blast.
I would also recommend smoking something. It might loosen your asshole a bit!
I have been drunk. It wasn't the blast people told me it would be. It was just being out of control. Meh. Now getting drunk is a health hazard, so it's just silly to consider.
You got to get drunk and sing Drunk in Love!
Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.
I don't plan to cut myself out of his family's lives... I just plan to deal with it differently than I do now. And that doesn't mean being obnoxious. It just means being a bit more direct when it comes to their shenanigans (not necessarily alcohol related).
Yeah but you need to discuss this with this your fiance now prior to getting married, because once you're married you guys have to be on the same page, especially when dealing with his family. If you just start confronting your fiance's family out of the blue it's going to create a you vs them situation, and its going to put your FI in the middle. That's going to be especially troublesome if he doesn't actually agree with your position.
Considering he does agree with my position, there's nothing to consider troubling. Once again, we are on the same page. We've discussed his family issues and my family issues at length. It's actually getting rather tedious. Things have to change. And they will. We're just biding our time until it's the right moment.
So what do these people do that is so horrible you both need to start confronting them on their behavior after you are married, but it's not so heinous that your FI has already cut all ties with his family and is still inviting them to his wedding?
If they are just being run of the mill assholes, why do you feel you need to wait until after you are married to deal with them? Your marital status isn't going to suddenly make them stop being assholes.
In fact, there's probably very little you and your FI can say to them or do that will make them change. Again, all you can really do is change your own actions and reactions to your FILs. And I'm not sure why, again, you both need wedding bands in order to start changing how you react to his family?
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I don't plan to cut myself out of his family's lives... I just plan to deal with it differently than I do now. And that doesn't mean being obnoxious. It just means being a bit more direct when it comes to their shenanigans (not necessarily alcohol related).
Yeah but you need to discuss this with this your fiance now prior to getting married, because once you're married you guys have to be on the same page, especially when dealing with his family. If you just start confronting your fiance's family out of the blue it's going to create a you vs them situation, and its going to put your FI in the middle. That's going to be especially troublesome if he doesn't actually agree with your position.
Considering he does agree with my position, there's nothing to consider troubling. Once again, we are on the same page. We've discussed his family issues and my family issues at length. It's actually getting rather tedious. Things have to change. And they will. We're just biding our time until it's the right moment.
So what do these people do that is so horrible you both need to start confronting them on their behavior after you are married, but it's not so heinous that your FI has already cut all ties with his family and is still inviting them to his wedding?
If they are just being run of the mill assholes, why do you feel you need to wait until after you are married to deal with them? Your marital status isn't going to suddenly make them stop being assholes.
In fact, there's probably very little you and your FI can say to them or do that will make them change. Again, all you can really do is change your own actions and reactions to your FILs. And I'm not sure why, again, you both need wedding bands in order to start changing how you react to his family?
Because that is how we have chosen to approach the situation. No our marital status is not going to stop them from being assholes, it is just the timeline that we are choosing to proceed with. If things improve, then we won't. But we are a united front and agree on what we want to do.
Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Welcome to the interwebz. Until I know you in person, I will not take your opinion under advisement. Then why are you posting on an internet message board? You aren't here seeking any kind of wedding planning advice or information from others? I know that in this particular instance you aren't the OP, but you don't want any wedding related advice? If you think I'm rage filled, you're wrong. But that's okay. It doesn't bother me. I do think you have rage issues because of how many times you referred to family and friends as "stupid" "morons" etc. and by how resentful you come across as having to host an open bar due to your FI and your FILs. And other posters here are picking up on those same things, so I'm not wrong. But you can think otherwise.
In this one aspect of the wedding, hellz ya I'm resentful. But I won on other aspects. I'm down with the whole card box thing right now (and even asked advice on something... shocking I know). Alcohol is an extremely touchy issue. But why don't we go talk cake or flowers or something... there not so much. Everyone has their hot points. This is one of them for me. What is it for you?
Ok good, you admit it!
Since alcohol is this touchy a subject of you and you are so against it, I wonder why you choose to give in on this issue, instead of standing your ground? And why wouldn't your FI support you on this?
What on Earth were the other two hills you refused to die on?
This. I cannot imagine anything about which you could possibly be more vehemently against, so why did you not choose THIS to be one of your hills? Because... if I hated something this much, it would not only be a hill I'd die on, but I'd die on it screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!! because seriously I cannot imagine being this riled up over something.
ETA: I see where you answered this question earlier. And... yeah, no. I think I would have let one of those go. This is clearly a MUCH bigger issue.
Actually, it's a smaller issue than the IL interference. My FH wanted social drinking and agreed to put some limitations on it as a compromise. If people behave with alcohol I'm fine. It's the ones that I know won't behave (and that is the minority) that scare me. I don't tolerate fools well and the people who drink excessively fall into that category. So because my FH wants the bar, we're having it. There are other things we're having that he's fine with because I want them. It's a compromise. One I don't like very much but I couldn't put my foot down completely on this one.
So do you need to invite these people at all? Who are they in relation to you? How many? What exactly do they do while drunk that is so awful?
As long as they don't start a physical altercation or grope anyone, honestly there's really nothing they can do to really ruin your reception unless you LET them effect you in that manner. Well ok, spilling a drink on your dress would be just awful, but even a sober klutz could do that!
Just think about it. Say they get falling down drunk. . . how does that actually effect you directly? If it's just that they annoy you, you can work on not getting annoyed.
The majority are FHs family, a couple are friends and one is on my side. So they are invited. And what do they do? Some get mean, some get annoying. How does it affect me when they get falling down drunk? Well, they say shitty things and do shitty things. It's just not what I want to be around. Thankfully I have people around me to run interference and get me away from them if I need to.
These are shitty people. Shitty people should not be in your life. Regardless of genetics.
Trust me. I totally agree with you. And I'm working on it. For the sake of FH, I'm not rocking the boat at this time. After the wedding, because I am marrying him and not these shitty people, I will rock it more. I know it pains my FH, so I am trying to spare his feelings while dealing with his family.
TL;DR (this thread is out of control) but you know when you get married, they become your family, too. Don't underestimate the impact these people will have on your marriage.
I don't plan to cut myself out of his family's lives... I just plan to deal with it differently than I do now. And that doesn't mean being obnoxious. It just means being a bit more direct when it comes to their shenanigans (not necessarily alcohol related).
Yeah but you need to discuss this with this your fiance now prior to getting married, because once you're married you guys have to be on the same page, especially when dealing with his family. If you just start confronting your fiance's family out of the blue it's going to create a you vs them situation, and its going to put your FI in the middle. That's going to be especially troublesome if he doesn't actually agree with your position.
Considering he does agree with my position, there's nothing to consider troubling. Once again, we are on the same page. We've discussed his family issues and my family issues at length. It's actually getting rather tedious. Things have to change. And they will. We're just biding our time until it's the right moment.
So what do these people do that is so horrible you both need to start confronting them on their behavior after you are married, but it's not so heinous that your FI has already cut all ties with his family and is still inviting them to his wedding?
If they are just being run of the mill assholes, why do you feel you need to wait until after you are married to deal with them? Your marital status isn't going to suddenly make them stop being assholes.
In fact, there's probably very little you and your FI can say to them or do that will make them change. Again, all you can really do is change your own actions and reactions to your FILs. And I'm not sure why, again, you both need wedding bands in order to start changing how you react to his family?
Because that is how we have chosen to approach the situation. No our marital status is not going to stop them from being assholes, it is just the timeline that we are choosing to proceed with. If things improve, then we won't. But we are a united front and agree on what we want to do.
Which is???
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Re: Bar related question
1) I really really want to do shots during my ceremony now.
2) I really really want to have a receiving line so I can do shots with everyone during the receiving line.
3) After almost 10 years of not really doing shots (for no real reason, just prefer sipping on drinks instead), I suddenly really really want to do some shots.
Considering he does agree with my position, there's nothing to consider troubling. Once again, we are on the same page. We've discussed his family issues and my family issues at length. It's actually getting rather tedious. Things have to change. And they will. We're just biding our time until it's the right moment.
1) I really really want to do shots during my ceremony now.
2) I really really want to have a receiving line so I can do shots with everyone during the receiving line.
3) After almost 10 years of not really doing shots (for no real reason, just prefer sipping on drinks instead), I suddenly really really want to do some shots.
Yeah I had no idea you could do shots during the receiving line. It's such a great idea. I thought receiving lines sounds kind of boring but a shot receiving line sounds amazing.
I can't quite picture how shots in a receiving line would work... Like, every guest has a shot, and the couple does a shot with each guest/group as they receive them?
The couple can't do a shot with everyone. What if it was a 300 person wedding? They'd be so trashed/dead.
----BOXES----
Personally, I'm thinking just having one big shot with everybody would be awesome. As someone else posted, maybe leave shot glasses and a bottle on each table and then have everyone take one at the same time??
But why I should probably finish reading through the comments before posting, but I can't help myself. Do you realize how snobbish you sound in this post? You're basically insinuating that people who are not trained in a culinary school, or aren't "comfortable in the kitchen" could not possibly figure out how to take into account your dietary needs. If I invite someone over who I know is vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free, whatever, I am doing so with the understanding that I will have to accommodate their needs. If that's something I can't do, I would more than likely make plans to eat out or order in (which is what my friend who doesn't cook does, she gets dinner catered because she's a good host). Please do not insult your friends by insinuating they can't figure out how to make a meal that's vegetarian friendly. Posts like these make me truly appreciate my friends who would never look down on me that way and insult my abilities to host them.
Actually, no I don't think I sound snobbish. Are you telling me that everyone you know is comfortable in their kitchen cooking things that they've never cooked before? If so, bravo. You have some great friends. I do as well, but they don't cook vegetarian very often or how to add a vegetarian option to an already meat filled meal. I offer to bring something to take that pressure off them, just as my diabetic friend offers to bring a diabetic friendly dessert since she's the only one. And my kosher friend offers to bring kosher food since my kitchen is not kosher. And so on and so on and so on. We help each other out. Not everyone went to culinary school, not everyone has a lot of cooking experience, not everyone knows how to mix a drink or change a tire or caulk a bathtub. In my circle we offer to help each other out, we don't expect everyone to be able to do everything all on their own. We've built a community and we share. Not sure what's snobbish about that. I'm the cook in our community, just like one friend is the tech expert and the other is the wine expert and another is a car expert. They help me when I need help and in turn I help them. That's how it works between people.
Actually, no I don't think I sound snobbish. Are you telling me that everyone you know is comfortable in their kitchen cooking things that they've never cooked before? If so, bravo. You have some great friends. I do as well, but they don't cook vegetarian very often or how to add a vegetarian option to an already meat filled meal. I offer to bring something to take that pressure off them, just as my diabetic friend offers to bring a diabetic friendly dessert since she's the only one. And my kosher friend offers to bring kosher food since my kitchen is not kosher. And so on and so on and so on. We help each other out. Not everyone went to culinary school, not everyone has a lot of cooking experience, not everyone knows how to mix a drink or change a tire or caulk a bathtub. In my circle we offer to help each other out, we don't expect everyone to be able to do everything all on their own. We've built a community and we share. Not sure what's snobbish about that. I'm the cook in our community, just like one friend is the tech expert and the other is the wine expert and another is a car expert. They help me when I need help and in turn I help them. That's how it works between people.
Do none of them know how to go to a grocery store or pick up take out? I still don't understand why you consider your friends to be so helpless and unable to properly host without your help? I don't cook vegetarian very often either, if you came over my house, as an adult, I'm pretty confident I could figure out how to make a meal or order a meal somewhere to accommodate you. I wouldn't need you to help.
There's nothing wrong with bringing the host or hostess a gift. I think most people agree that it's polite to not come empty handed. But I have to wonder about you and your friends if none of you is capable of hosting properly without assistance. Like I said, my friend can't cook to save her life, so she orders out when she hosts. I'd never think to make her feel bad about her lack of cooking skills by offering to cook the meal myself. I let her host the way she sees fit.
Don't you take pride in hosting others? I do. And yeah, a friend would take some of the fun out of it if in their desire to "help" they insinuated I didn't have the skills or ability to host them properly. I'm not an idiot. I know how to order takeout if I can't figure out how to follow a recipe. It's really not that hard.
Actually, no I don't think I sound snobbish. Are you telling me that everyone you know is comfortable in their kitchen cooking things that they've never cooked before? If so, bravo. You have some great friends. I do as well, but they don't cook vegetarian very often or how to add a vegetarian option to an already meat filled meal. I offer to bring something to take that pressure off them, just as my diabetic friend offers to bring a diabetic friendly dessert since she's the only one. And my kosher friend offers to bring kosher food since my kitchen is not kosher. And so on and so on and so on. We help each other out. Not everyone went to culinary school, not everyone has a lot of cooking experience, not everyone knows how to mix a drink or change a tire or caulk a bathtub. In my circle we offer to help each other out, we don't expect everyone to be able to do everything all on their own. We've built a community and we share. Not sure what's snobbish about that. I'm the cook in our community, just like one friend is the tech expert and the other is the wine expert and another is a car expert. They help me when I need help and in turn I help them. That's how it works between people.
The only thing missing is an etiquette expert! And that, of course, is why you came here.
Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.
Do none of them know how to go to a grocery store or pick up take out? I still don't understand why you consider your friends to be so helpless and unable to properly host without your help? I don't cook vegetarian very often either, if you came over my house, as an adult, I'm pretty confident I could figure out how to make a meal or order a meal somewhere to accommodate you. I wouldn't need you to help.
There's nothing wrong with bringing the host or hostess a gift. I think most people agree that it's polite to not come empty handed. But I have to wonder about you and your friends if none of you is capable of hosting properly without assistance. Like I said, my friend can't cook to save her life, so she orders out when she hosts. I'd never think to make her feel bad about her lack of cooking skills by offering to cook the meal myself. I let her host the way she sees fit.
Don't you take pride in hosting others? I do. And yeah, a friend would take some of the fun out of it if in their desire to "help" they insinuated I didn't have the skills or ability to host them properly. I'm not an idiot. I know how to order takeout if I can't figure out how to follow a recipe. It's really not that hard.
We take pride in helping each other and we take pride in hosting. They do not have to be mutually exclusive. Why should someone have to go through the hassle of ordering out and making a completely separate component of a dinner when I'm the only one? Seems like a lot of extra work for nothing. I've never insinuated that they lack the cooking skills, they've told me as much! Do they always take me up on my offer? No. And that's cool. Generally in our circle if we're ordering take out, everyone chips in for the cost. I've never heard of someone expecting just one person to pick up the whole tab for a large group doing take out. Someone may do it, but no one expects it. Everyone chips in their 20 bucks or whatever and we feast together when it arrives.
Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.
If they are just being run of the mill assholes, why do you feel you need to wait until after you are married to deal with them? Your marital status isn't going to suddenly make them stop being assholes.
In fact, there's probably very little you and your FI can say to them or do that will make them change. Again, all you can really do is change your own actions and reactions to your FILs. And I'm not sure why, again, you both need wedding bands in order to start changing how you react to his family?
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Trust me. I totally agree with you. And I'm working on it. For the sake of FH, I'm not rocking the boat at this time. After the wedding, because I am marrying him and not these shitty people, I will rock it more. I know it pains my FH, so I am trying to spare his feelings while dealing with his family.
TL;DR (this thread is out of control) but you know when you get married, they become your family, too. Don't underestimate the impact these people will have on your marriage.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."