There are more than receiving lines to personally thank people for coming. I am avoiding a potentially volatile issue by choosing a different method.
Such as? Other than this supposed shots tradition.
And it's only potentially volatile because you have some clear unresolved issues, and are judgy as fuck.
This.
Many brides, even if it wasn't their culture and wouldn't do it themselves, would not flip the fuck out over a family tradition of shots in the receiving line, mainly because it is not a thing to flip the fuck out over. You don't have to do it. You should have no problem with your FI or others doing it.
It's fine if you want to do table visits for other reasons, but the "volatile situation" comes down to you. There is nothing inherently wrong with the tradition itself. Granted, if I were one of these family members and you said "We're not doing that," I would graciously say "Okay" but also wonder why you were concerned. Because there is no actual reason to be. You just keep extrapolating crazy scenarios about drinking in your mind that could begin with this tradition, and are trying to police everything in order to control these unlikely hypotheticals (or likely, but unconcerning to people with a healthy relationship with alcohol).
Considering the stories from this family include one family member doing so many shots in teh receiving line that he got alcohol poisoning and was at the hospital for the remainder of the wedding, yeah not taking the risk. They talk about these receiving lines as if the behaviour is something to be proud of. By not doing the receiving line at all, we've completely mitigated the situation. They don't get to have their celebratory shots and we don't have to stand through a receiving line. We plan to visit with each person during dinner and whenever else we can. We feel it is more personal than the receiving line itself. So it solves two issues. There is a lot inherently wrong with the tradition. One celebratory shot? Fine. Do it. I'll just stand there but fine. One with each guest/couple? Ridiculous. Just not happening. If they want to do that at their daughters' weddings... go for it. Not happening at mine. Why does their culture trump mine?
Like I said, you don't have to do it. If the tradition itself inherently means you're involved, and you don't want to participate, that's a legit reason to say no. But if it can happen without you, judging other people's choice to do shots is not "trumping your culture."
ditto what MagicInk said about the "rocking the boat." You absolutely should not plan on making your relationship worse with his family without discussing it with him.
ETA: You need to know now that your FI would support you in joint "directness." I still let him deal with his own family and I deal with mine if we're going to tell them about a decision that we jointly made. He needs to also be willing to say to his family whatever you would be "direct" about - if he thinks you're making too big a deal out of something his family does, you need to convince him first that something should be said.
No I don't have to do it, but nor do I have to be complicit in others doing it. We're not doing it and that's final. I don't really care if it's important to them. There is no reason to have a receiving line so we mitigate both the loathing of the receiving line and the fact that they'd do shots during it.
And the feeling that you're "complicit" is again where that unhealthy attitude lies. Along with "I don't really care if it's important to them." Why not? Because alcohol again?
You don't really seem like a good judge of what inappropriate behavior is, and so while I want to be sympathetic and trust you that they are being "assholes" and that you shouldn't tolerate this mostly unknown behavior, I'm having difficulty trusting you that how they're acting is actually inappropriate. I hope you are correct.
Eastern European. I have limited experience with the culture in general, so I am not sure how much is family culture or not.
Eastern European bride here. Shot glasses and a handle of vodka go on all of the tables in addition to the open bar. FWIW the only people I've seen get out of hand are the rogue American dates who (I assume) have never been to a wedding like this before.
Worked a Slovenian wedding. That is so not who got out of hand. It was the Slovenians who were completely out of control.
Where do you draw the line? I had a few glasses of wine so I'm drunk or I'm dancing on tables? I feel like you are purposely not clarifying what makes someone intoxicated and whtere or not someone is becomes strictly your judgement call. You haven't proven that how you arrive at such a conclusion makes sense.
Your statement about not needing alcohol to have a good time is fine. But again, it smacks of being completely defensive. I think the average person doesn't think it's required but it makes the party a hell of a lot better. Similarly you don't need an ass ton of food or great cake but you know what - a good cake can help.
Why does alcohol make a party a hell of a lot better? I have never understood this sentiment. Do you like to drink? Honest question. If you do not, no one will be able to explain this statement to you. It would be akin to a person who always wanted to and chose to have children explaining to a person who has never wanted and chose to be child free why kids are the best thing ever.
Where do I draw the line? It depends on the person and how much I trust them. My FH or my best friend can probably get away with a couple more than the average person. I just think multiple drinks at any time is just excessive... just like I think eating an entire cake is excessive. Actually, I think one person eating an entire cake in one sitting is pretty stupid too.
I believe in this thing called moderation, which few people seem to adhere to in social settings. Not to mention a lot of people consider weddings with open bars a time to completely lose their shit because they aren't paying for it (directly quoting quite a few conversations over the years). And those are shitty or juvenile- as in young- people who are not actually representative of the majority of social drinkers. So you are extrapolating the behavior of a few gross people out onto the wider population of people who like to drink socially- which is called a sweeping generalization.
Do your FILs have a drinking problem? Are they actually alcoholics? Or do they just drink too much in your opinion? How about your FI? I'm only asking because your FIL's and your FI are the ones that really wanted the open bar, right?
I drink very rarely and if I do it's one and then I'm done. I get wicked migraines from alcohol so most of the time it's just not worth the bother. I am usually the DD, which is fine because I know people get home safe but also a drag when it comes to dealing with some people.
Are there drinking issues in my ILs families? Yes. Do I think they drink too much? Yes. It's a focus point of all celebrations. They do celebratory shots (which is why we are not doing a receiving line or having them available in the cocktail hour) at all occasions. I just think this is ridiculous to have that much alcohol be that much of a focus. My family has alcohol but it is not a focal point. I think having a normal drink and then having shots on top of that is excessive. This is a normal cultural thing for them. For me, it is an uncomfortable awkward thing to sit through. I generally "take the air" when this shit starts.
What the fuck does a receiving line have to do with taking shots?
Also, so shots are what you consider the crossover into alcoholism? Because that's ridiculous. There is generally a shot or more in every mixed drink. It's the same thing as having a rum and coke.
I am just as shocked as you that they do celebratory shots in the receiving line. When I was told stories of other weddings (before we were engaged) I had a look of horror on my face (they laughed at it). I knew then that there was no way in hell we were doing a receiving line to encourage that. So far so good. I'm sure someone will freak out, but I don't care. No receiving line, no celebratory shots in the cocktail hour.
I have always found shots to be stupid. I really don't see the point of them. They are just a gateway to drunkenness. Mixing makes the drink last somewhat longer and doesn't have the person ingesting it in one solitary go.
Or you could, just, know you, have a receiving line and not have shots.
I mentioned that idea... so did not fly well. "That's not how it's done in our culture" was the defense so I don't trust them not to pull a fast one. Thus, just avoiding the issue all together and killing the receiving line. Which is fine, since receiving lines are boring and tedious. I'd much rather walk around and greet everyone face to face during dinner instead of greeting them in a factory line manner.
Out of curiosity, what culture are they?
Eastern European. I have limited experience with the culture in general, so I am not sure how much is family culture or not.
I'd argue that's a large geographical region, not a culture.
My mom's family is Eastern European, Croatian to be exact. Doing shots during a receiving line is NOT a cultural thing. I also know many people of Polish and German descent and doing shots during receiving lines is not a cultural thing for them either.
I know Eastern European is a large geographical region. I am not comfortable getting more specific than that. I figure it is more of a family thing since I do know some others from that region and it's never happened but I don't know for sure. It's just... bizarre.
I don't get what is bizarre. I've heard of plenty of families that like to do family shots at family events. Just because your family does not do it does not make it bizarre.
Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Welcome to the interwebz. Until I know you in person, I will not take your opinion under advisement. Then why are you posting on an internet message board? You aren't here seeking any kind of wedding planning advice or information from others? I know that in this particular instance you aren't the OP, but you don't want any wedding related advice? If you think I'm rage filled, you're wrong. But that's okay. It doesn't bother me. I do think you have rage issues because of how many times you referred to family and friends as "stupid" "morons" etc. and by how resentful you come across as having to host an open bar due to your FI and your FILs. And other posters here are picking up on those same things, so I'm not wrong. But you can think otherwise.
In this one aspect of the wedding, hellz ya I'm resentful. But I won on other aspects. I'm down with the whole card box thing right now (and even asked advice on something... shocking I know). Alcohol is an extremely touchy issue. But why don't we go talk cake or flowers or something... there not so much. Everyone has their hot points. This is one of them for me. What is it for you?
Ok good, you admit it!
Since alcohol is this touchy a subject of you and you are so against it, I wonder why you choose to give in on this issue, instead of standing your ground? And why wouldn't your FI support you on this?
What on Earth were the other two hills you refused to die on?
This. I cannot imagine anything about which you could possibly be more vehemently against, so why did you not choose THIS to be one of your hills? Because... if I hated something this much, it would not only be a hill I'd die on, but I'd die on it screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!! because seriously I cannot imagine being this riled up over something.
ETA: I see where you answered this question earlier. And... yeah, no. I think I would have let one of those go. This is clearly a MUCH bigger issue.
Actually, it's a smaller issue than the IL interference. My FH wanted social drinking and agreed to put some limitations on it as a compromise. If people behave with alcohol I'm fine. It's the ones that I know won't behave (and that is the minority) that scare me. I don't tolerate fools well and the people who drink excessively fall into that category. So because my FH wants the bar, we're having it. There are other things we're having that he's fine with because I want them. It's a compromise. One I don't like very much but I couldn't put my foot down completely on this one.
So do you need to invite these people at all? Who are they in relation to you? How many? What exactly do they do while drunk that is so awful?
As long as they don't start a physical altercation or grope anyone, honestly there's really nothing they can do to really ruin your reception unless you LET them effect you in that manner. Well ok, spilling a drink on your dress would be just awful, but even a sober klutz could do that!
Just think about it. Say they get falling down drunk. . . how does that actually effect you directly? If it's just that they annoy you, you can work on not getting annoyed.
The majority are FHs family, a couple are friends and one is on my side. So they are invited. And what do they do? Some get mean, some get annoying. How does it affect me when they get falling down drunk? Well, they say shitty things and do shitty things. It's just not what I want to be around. Thankfully I have people around me to run interference and get me away from them if I need to.
These are shitty people. Shitty people should not be in your life. Regardless of genetics.
Trust me. I totally agree with you. And I'm working on it. For the sake of FH, I'm not rocking the boat at this time. After the wedding, because I am marrying him and not these shitty people, I will rock it more. I know it pains my FH, so I am trying to spare his feelings while dealing with his family.
WHAT.
No. This is not okay. If FI married me, never indicating that he wasn't okay with my (rather crazy, definitely dysfunctional, twice-the-size-of-his) family, and then started cutting back contact after the wedding, that would be a HUGE dealbreaker. Like, grounds for divorce dealbreaker.
This may be one of the very worst things I have ever read on these boards ever in my whole Knottie life.
Oh for FFS cut the dramatics. I'm not cutting him off. I'm not even going to cut myself off. But after the wedding I will feel more comfortable being more direct when they start with their assholian behaviour. That's all. Unclench the pearls. FH knows the behaviour I don't like and he agrees with me. Again, unclench.
Yeah...he might know their behavior, and what you don't like...but he's not going to know your shiny new reactions is he? That's what you're keeping from him now. So you're going to show your true colors post wedding? Yeah...that'll make for a happy marriage.
Good luck and god speed.
I am not hiding anything from him. He know what I will say when a certain behaviour starts. This is no secret.
There are more than receiving lines to personally thank people for coming. I am avoiding a potentially volatile issue by choosing a different method.
Such as? Other than this supposed shots tradition.
And it's only potentially volatile because you have some clear unresolved issues, and are judgy as fuck.
This.
Many brides, even if it wasn't their culture and wouldn't do it themselves, would not flip the fuck out over a family tradition of shots in the receiving line, mainly because it is not a thing to flip the fuck out over. You don't have to do it. You should have no problem with your FI or others doing it.
It's fine if you want to do table visits for other reasons, but the "volatile situation" comes down to you. There is nothing inherently wrong with the tradition itself. Granted, if I were one of these family members and you said "We're not doing that," I would graciously say "Okay" but also wonder why you were concerned. Because there is no actual reason to be. You just keep extrapolating crazy scenarios about drinking in your mind that could begin with this tradition, and are trying to police everything in order to control these unlikely hypotheticals (or likely, but unconcerning to people with a healthy relationship with alcohol).
Considering the stories from this family include one family member doing so many shots in teh receiving line that he got alcohol poisoning and was at the hospital for the remainder of the wedding, yeah not taking the risk. They talk about these receiving lines as if the behaviour is something to be proud of. By not doing the receiving line at all, we've completely mitigated the situation. They don't get to have their celebratory shots and we don't have to stand through a receiving line. We plan to visit with each person during dinner and whenever else we can. We feel it is more personal than the receiving line itself. So it solves two issues. There is a lot inherently wrong with the tradition. One celebratory shot? Fine. Do it. I'll just stand there but fine. One with each guest/couple? Ridiculous. Just not happening. If they want to do that at their daughters' weddings... go for it. Not happening at mine. Why does their culture trump mine?
Like I said, you don't have to do it. If the tradition itself inherently means you're involved, and you don't want to participate, that's a legit reason to say no. But if it can happen without you, judging other people's choice to do shots is not "trumping your culture."
ditto what MagicInk said about the "rocking the boat." You absolutely should not plan on making your relationship worse with his family without discussing it with him.
ETA: You need to know now that your FI would support you in joint "directness." I still let him deal with his own family and I deal with mine if we're going to tell them about a decision that we jointly made. He needs to also be willing to say to his family whatever you would be "direct" about - if he thinks you're making too big a deal out of something his family does, you need to convince him first that something should be said.
No I don't have to do it, but nor do I have to be complicit in others doing it. We're not doing it and that's final. I don't really care if it's important to them. There is no reason to have a receiving line so we mitigate both the loathing of the receiving line and the fact that they'd do shots during it.
And the feeling that you're "complicit" is again where that unhealthy attitude lies. Along with "I don't really care if it's important to them." Why not? Because alcohol again?
You don't really seem like a good judge of what inappropriate behavior is, and so while I want to be sympathetic and trust you that they are being "assholes" and that you shouldn't tolerate this mostly unknown behavior, I'm having difficulty trusting you that how they're acting is actually inappropriate. I hope you are correct.
By going with the flow on this, I'm doing something I don't beleive in. As the bride, I don't want to do it. So we're not. My FH agrees with me completely. It is his compromise for my compromise. I don't really understand how I'm being underhanded.
There are more than receiving lines to personally thank people for coming. I am avoiding a potentially volatile issue by choosing a different method.
Such as? Other than this supposed shots tradition.
And it's only potentially volatile because you have some clear unresolved issues, and are judgy as fuck.
This.
Many brides, even if it wasn't their culture and wouldn't do it themselves, would not flip the fuck out over a family tradition of shots in the receiving line, mainly because it is not a thing to flip the fuck out over. You don't have to do it. You should have no problem with your FI or others doing it.
It's fine if you want to do table visits for other reasons, but the "volatile situation" comes down to you. There is nothing inherently wrong with the tradition itself. Granted, if I were one of these family members and you said "We're not doing that," I would graciously say "Okay" but also wonder why you were concerned. Because there is no actual reason to be. You just keep extrapolating crazy scenarios about drinking in your mind that could begin with this tradition, and are trying to police everything in order to control these unlikely hypotheticals (or likely, but unconcerning to people with a healthy relationship with alcohol).
Considering the stories from this family include one family member doing so many shots in teh receiving line that he got alcohol poisoning and was at the hospital for the remainder of the wedding, yeah not taking the risk. They talk about these receiving lines as if the behaviour is something to be proud of. By not doing the receiving line at all, we've completely mitigated the situation. They don't get to have their celebratory shots and we don't have to stand through a receiving line. We plan to visit with each person during dinner and whenever else we can. We feel it is more personal than the receiving line itself. So it solves two issues. There is a lot inherently wrong with the tradition. One celebratory shot? Fine. Do it. I'll just stand there but fine. One with each guest/couple? Ridiculous. Just not happening. If they want to do that at their daughters' weddings... go for it. Not happening at mine. Why does their culture trump mine?
Like I said, you don't have to do it. If the tradition itself inherently means you're involved, and you don't want to participate, that's a legit reason to say no. But if it can happen without you, judging other people's choice to do shots is not "trumping your culture."
ditto what MagicInk said about the "rocking the boat." You absolutely should not plan on making your relationship worse with his family without discussing it with him.
ETA: You need to know now that your FI would support you in joint "directness." I still let him deal with his own family and I deal with mine if we're going to tell them about a decision that we jointly made. He needs to also be willing to say to his family whatever you would be "direct" about - if he thinks you're making too big a deal out of something his family does, you need to convince him first that something should be said.
No I don't have to do it, but nor do I have to be complicit in others doing it. We're not doing it and that's final. I don't really care if it's important to them. There is no reason to have a receiving line so we mitigate both the loathing of the receiving line and the fact that they'd do shots during it.
And the feeling that you're "complicit" is again where that unhealthy attitude lies. Along with "I don't really care if it's important to them." Why not? Because alcohol again?
You don't really seem like a good judge of what inappropriate behavior is, and so while I want to be sympathetic and trust you that they are being "assholes" and that you shouldn't tolerate this mostly unknown behavior, I'm having difficulty trusting you that how they're acting is actually inappropriate. I hope you are correct.
By going with the flow on this, I'm doing something I don't beleive in. As the bride, I don't want to do it. So we're not. My FH agrees with me completely. It is his compromise for my compromise. I don't really understand how I'm being underhanded.
This is yet another example of you extrapolating weirdly. No one said anything about being underhanded, nor did anyone's post imply that.
What everyone is suggesting is that you get a reasonable thing to "believe" in, including but not limited to the idea that trying to control other people's behavior is generally not worth your time and often creates problems where there do not need to be problems. That you should treat your guests like adults. And that you do have very arbitrary lines drawn in the sand for what you will and will not be "complicit" in with regards to alcohol.
It is okay to be direct. However, it needs to be done from the get-go. Being Meek Little Mindy at the rehearsal and then being Up-front Ursula after the honeymoon is a really easy way to be on someone's shit list. If you are uncomfortable being direct today, why will suddenly having that magic piece of paper make you better?
Hint: It won't.
I also was not being dramatic, or clutching any pearls. I sincerely, honestly meant every word of that. If I found out my FI had been lying to me about how they were going to treat my family after the wedding - be it cutting them out, or being as condescending and judgey and micromanagey as you've been in here, or suddenly being the King of the Overshare - it would be a major issue to me, because I did not marry a person who treated my family in that way, and I did not intend to.
@notdoingitbythebook I was actually going to ask if your FI was Italian, Portuguese or Greek because shots on the receiving line is de rigeur at those weddings (and so much fun). As well, cash bars are unheard of for those families.
I have plenty of members of my family who act like utter and complete idiots while drinking, they are not invited to my wedding. My mother who is a functional alcoholic will be coming to my dry wedding.
As PPs have said, you have much larger issues at stake rather than your dismissal of alcohol as pure evil. You and your future husband do not necessarily seem to be on the same page. You do realise that your marriage is going to be more than your wedding day. His family will become your family, you may not agree with them in all things but they are an important part of who he is. He may not always be the "black sheep" in the family. As I got older, I stopped being the "black sheep" as family members realised that I just needed to grow up a little and find my own way in the world.
Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Welcome to the interwebz. Until I know you in person, I will not take your opinion under advisement. Then why are you posting on an internet message board? You aren't here seeking any kind of wedding planning advice or information from others? I know that in this particular instance you aren't the OP, but you don't want any wedding related advice? If you think I'm rage filled, you're wrong. But that's okay. It doesn't bother me. I do think you have rage issues because of how many times you referred to family and friends as "stupid" "morons" etc. and by how resentful you come across as having to host an open bar due to your FI and your FILs. And other posters here are picking up on those same things, so I'm not wrong. But you can think otherwise.
In this one aspect of the wedding, hellz ya I'm resentful. But I won on other aspects. I'm down with the whole card box thing right now (and even asked advice on something... shocking I know). Alcohol is an extremely touchy issue. But why don't we go talk cake or flowers or something... there not so much. Everyone has their hot points. This is one of them for me. What is it for you?
Ok good, you admit it!
Since alcohol is this touchy a subject of you and you are so against it, I wonder why you choose to give in on this issue, instead of standing your ground? And why wouldn't your FI support you on this?
What on Earth were the other two hills you refused to die on?
This. I cannot imagine anything about which you could possibly be more vehemently against, so why did you not choose THIS to be one of your hills? Because... if I hated something this much, it would not only be a hill I'd die on, but I'd die on it screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!! because seriously I cannot imagine being this riled up over something.
ETA: I see where you answered this question earlier. And... yeah, no. I think I would have let one of those go. This is clearly a MUCH bigger issue.
Actually, it's a smaller issue than the IL interference. My FH wanted social drinking and agreed to put some limitations on it as a compromise. If people behave with alcohol I'm fine. It's the ones that I know won't behave (and that is the minority) that scare me. I don't tolerate fools well and the people who drink excessively fall into that category. So because my FH wants the bar, we're having it. There are other things we're having that he's fine with because I want them. It's a compromise. One I don't like very much but I couldn't put my foot down completely on this one.
So do you need to invite these people at all? Who are they in relation to you? How many? What exactly do they do while drunk that is so awful?
As long as they don't start a physical altercation or grope anyone, honestly there's really nothing they can do to really ruin your reception unless you LET them effect you in that manner. Well ok, spilling a drink on your dress would be just awful, but even a sober klutz could do that!
Just think about it. Say they get falling down drunk. . . how does that actually effect you directly? If it's just that they annoy you, you can work on not getting annoyed.
The majority are FHs family, a couple are friends and one is on my side. So they are invited. And what do they do? Some get mean, some get annoying. How does it affect me when they get falling down drunk? Well, they say shitty things and do shitty things. It's just not what I want to be around. Thankfully I have people around me to run interference and get me away from them if I need to.
These are shitty people. Shitty people should not be in your life. Regardless of genetics.
Trust me. I totally agree with you. And I'm working on it. For the sake of FH, I'm not rocking the boat at this time. After the wedding, because I am marrying him and not these shitty people, I will rock it more. I know it pains my FH, so I am trying to spare his feelings while dealing with his family.
Does he know that after you officially marry him you plan on cutting off (or at least limiting) your interaction with his family?
Cause...that's something that needs to be talked about way prior to marriage. We've cut off members of both of our families but, we talked about it before it happened.
I don't plan to cut myself out of his family's lives... I just plan to deal with it differently than I do now. And that doesn't mean being obnoxious. It just means being a bit more direct when it comes to their shenanigans (not necessarily alcohol related).
Yeah but you need to discuss this with this your fiance now prior to getting married, because once you're married you guys have to be on the same page, especially when dealing with his family. If you just start confronting your fiance's family out of the blue it's going to create a you vs them situation, and its going to put your FI in the middle. That's going to be especially troublesome if he doesn't actually agree with your position.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Eastern European. I have limited experience with the culture in general, so I am not sure how much is family culture or not.
Eastern European bride here. Shot glasses and a handle of vodka go on all of the tables in addition to the open bar. FWIW the only people I've seen get out of hand are the rogue American dates who (I assume) have never been to a wedding like this before.
Worked a Slovenian wedding. That is so not who got out of hand. It was the Slovenians who were completely out of control.
Maybe your opinion on out of control guests was skewed by you working, rather than attending, the wedding.
Or maybe you just have really low standards for what constitutes out of control guests.
Eastern European. I have limited experience with the culture in general, so I am not sure how much is family culture or not.
Eastern European bride here. Shot glasses and a handle of vodka go on all of the tables in addition to the open bar. FWIW the only people I've seen get out of hand are the rogue American dates who (I assume) have never been to a wedding like this before.
Worked a Slovenian wedding. That is so not who got out of hand. It was the Slovenians who were completely out of control.
Maybe your opinion on out of control guests was skewed by you working, rather than attending, the wedding.
Or maybe you just have really low standards for what constitutes out of control guests.
Based on the rest of her posts in this thread, I'd bet my left tit on this.
Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Welcome to the interwebz. Until I know you in person, I will not take your opinion under advisement. Then why are you posting on an internet message board? You aren't here seeking any kind of wedding planning advice or information from others? I know that in this particular instance you aren't the OP, but you don't want any wedding related advice? If you think I'm rage filled, you're wrong. But that's okay. It doesn't bother me. I do think you have rage issues because of how many times you referred to family and friends as "stupid" "morons" etc. and by how resentful you come across as having to host an open bar due to your FI and your FILs. And other posters here are picking up on those same things, so I'm not wrong. But you can think otherwise.
In this one aspect of the wedding, hellz ya I'm resentful. But I won on other aspects. I'm down with the whole card box thing right now (and even asked advice on something... shocking I know). Alcohol is an extremely touchy issue. But why don't we go talk cake or flowers or something... there not so much. Everyone has their hot points. This is one of them for me. What is it for you?
Ok good, you admit it!
Since alcohol is this touchy a subject of you and you are so against it, I wonder why you choose to give in on this issue, instead of standing your ground? And why wouldn't your FI support you on this?
What on Earth were the other two hills you refused to die on?
This. I cannot imagine anything about which you could possibly be more vehemently against, so why did you not choose THIS to be one of your hills? Because... if I hated something this much, it would not only be a hill I'd die on, but I'd die on it screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!! because seriously I cannot imagine being this riled up over something.
ETA: I see where you answered this question earlier. And... yeah, no. I think I would have let one of those go. This is clearly a MUCH bigger issue.
Actually, it's a smaller issue than the IL interference. My FH wanted social drinking and agreed to put some limitations on it as a compromise. If people behave with alcohol I'm fine. It's the ones that I know won't behave (and that is the minority) that scare me. I don't tolerate fools well and the people who drink excessively fall into that category. So because my FH wants the bar, we're having it. There are other things we're having that he's fine with because I want them. It's a compromise. One I don't like very much but I couldn't put my foot down completely on this one.
So do you need to invite these people at all? Who are they in relation to you? How many? What exactly do they do while drunk that is so awful?
As long as they don't start a physical altercation or grope anyone, honestly there's really nothing they can do to really ruin your reception unless you LET them effect you in that manner. Well ok, spilling a drink on your dress would be just awful, but even a sober klutz could do that!
Just think about it. Say they get falling down drunk. . . how does that actually effect you directly? If it's just that they annoy you, you can work on not getting annoyed.
The majority are FHs family, a couple are friends and one is on my side. So they are invited. And what do they do? Some get mean, some get annoying. How does it affect me when they get falling down drunk? Well, they say shitty things and do shitty things. It's just not what I want to be around. Thankfully I have people around me to run interference and get me away from them if I need to.
These are shitty people. Shitty people should not be in your life. Regardless of genetics.
Trust me. I totally agree with you. And I'm working on it. For the sake of FH, I'm not rocking the boat at this time. After the wedding, because I am marrying him and not these shitty people, I will rock it more. I know it pains my FH, so I am trying to spare his feelings while dealing with his family.
WHAT.
No. This is not okay. If FI married me, never indicating that he wasn't okay with my (rather crazy, definitely dysfunctional, twice-the-size-of-his) family, and then started cutting back contact after the wedding, that would be a HUGE dealbreaker. Like, grounds for divorce dealbreaker.
This may be one of the very worst things I have ever read on these boards ever in my whole Knottie life.
Oh for FFS cut the dramatics. I'm not cutting him off. I'm not even going to cut myself off. But after the wedding I will feel more comfortable being more direct when they start with their assholian behaviour. That's all. Unclench the pearls. FH knows the behaviour I don't like and he agrees with me. Again, unclench.
Then your FI needs to grow a backbone and address those issues with his family head on.
And recall what i said about not being able to control the actions of adults? Well not only does that apply here, but also adults don't change unless they want to. So just being direct with them that they are being assholes about XYZ isn't likely to do anything. . .especially if FI is already the black sheep for not towing the line.
Your FI has to be prepared and willing to limit interactions if his family is really that terrible, because all you two can do is control your own actions and reactions, and choose not to engage.
If they do something to piss you off, and you tell them, and they keep it up or escalate, all you can do at that point is leave.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Where do you draw the line? I had a few glasses of wine so I'm drunk or I'm dancing on tables? I feel like you are purposely not clarifying what makes someone intoxicated and whtere or not someone is becomes strictly your judgement call. You haven't proven that how you arrive at such a conclusion makes sense.
Your statement about not needing alcohol to have a good time is fine. But again, it smacks of being completely defensive. I think the average person doesn't think it's required but it makes the party a hell of a lot better. Similarly you don't need an ass ton of food or great cake but you know what - a good cake can help.
Why does alcohol make a party a hell of a lot better? I have never understood this sentiment. Do you like to drink? Honest question. If you do not, no one will be able to explain this statement to you. It would be akin to a person who always wanted to and chose to have children explaining to a person who has never wanted and chose to be child free why kids are the best thing ever.
Where do I draw the line? It depends on the person and how much I trust them. My FH or my best friend can probably get away with a couple more than the average person. I just think multiple drinks at any time is just excessive... just like I think eating an entire cake is excessive. Actually, I think one person eating an entire cake in one sitting is pretty stupid too.
I believe in this thing called moderation, which few people seem to adhere to in social settings. Not to mention a lot of people consider weddings with open bars a time to completely lose their shit because they aren't paying for it (directly quoting quite a few conversations over the years). And those are shitty or juvenile- as in young- people who are not actually representative of the majority of social drinkers. So you are extrapolating the behavior of a few gross people out onto the wider population of people who like to drink socially- which is called a sweeping generalization.
Do your FILs have a drinking problem? Are they actually alcoholics? Or do they just drink too much in your opinion? How about your FI? I'm only asking because your FIL's and your FI are the ones that really wanted the open bar, right?
I drink very rarely and if I do it's one and then I'm done. I get wicked migraines from alcohol so most of the time it's just not worth the bother. I am usually the DD, which is fine because I know people get home safe but also a drag when it comes to dealing with some people.
Are there drinking issues in my ILs families? Yes. Do I think they drink too much? Yes. It's a focus point of all celebrations. They do celebratory shots (which is why we are not doing a receiving line or having them available in the cocktail hour) at all occasions. I just think this is ridiculous to have that much alcohol be that much of a focus. My family has alcohol but it is not a focal point. I think having a normal drink and then having shots on top of that is excessive. This is a normal cultural thing for them. For me, it is an uncomfortable awkward thing to sit through. I generally "take the air" when this shit starts.
What the fuck does a receiving line have to do with taking shots?
Also, so shots are what you consider the crossover into alcoholism? Because that's ridiculous. There is generally a shot or more in every mixed drink. It's the same thing as having a rum and coke.
I am just as shocked as you that they do celebratory shots in the receiving line. When I was told stories of other weddings (before we were engaged) I had a look of horror on my face (they laughed at it). I knew then that there was no way in hell we were doing a receiving line to encourage that. So far so good. I'm sure someone will freak out, but I don't care. No receiving line, no celebratory shots in the cocktail hour.
I have always found shots to be stupid. I really don't see the point of them. They are just a gateway to drunkenness. Mixing makes the drink last somewhat longer and doesn't have the person ingesting it in one solitary go.
Or you could, just, know you, have a receiving line and not have shots.
I mentioned that idea... so did not fly well. "That's not how it's done in our culture" was the defense so I don't trust them not to pull a fast one. Thus, just avoiding the issue all together and killing the receiving line. Which is fine, since receiving lines are boring and tedious. I'd much rather walk around and greet everyone face to face during dinner instead of greeting them in a factory line manner.
Out of curiosity, what culture are they?
Eastern European. I have limited experience with the culture in general, so I am not sure how much is family culture or not.
I'd argue that's a large geographical region, not a culture.
My mom's family is Eastern European, Croatian to be exact. Doing shots during a receiving line is NOT a cultural thing. I also know many people of Polish and German descent and doing shots during receiving lines is not a cultural thing for them either.
I know Eastern European is a large geographical region. I am not comfortable getting more specific than that. I figure it is more of a family thing since I do know some others from that region and it's never happened but I don't know for sure. It's just... bizarre.
I don't get what is bizarre. I've heard of plenty of families that like to do family shots at family events. Just because your family does not do it does not make it bizarre.
Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Welcome to the interwebz. Until I know you in person, I will not take your opinion under advisement. Then why are you posting on an internet message board? You aren't here seeking any kind of wedding planning advice or information from others? I know that in this particular instance you aren't the OP, but you don't want any wedding related advice? If you think I'm rage filled, you're wrong. But that's okay. It doesn't bother me. I do think you have rage issues because of how many times you referred to family and friends as "stupid" "morons" etc. and by how resentful you come across as having to host an open bar due to your FI and your FILs. And other posters here are picking up on those same things, so I'm not wrong. But you can think otherwise.
In this one aspect of the wedding, hellz ya I'm resentful. But I won on other aspects. I'm down with the whole card box thing right now (and even asked advice on something... shocking I know). Alcohol is an extremely touchy issue. But why don't we go talk cake or flowers or something... there not so much. Everyone has their hot points. This is one of them for me. What is it for you?
Ok good, you admit it!
Since alcohol is this touchy a subject of you and you are so against it, I wonder why you choose to give in on this issue, instead of standing your ground? And why wouldn't your FI support you on this?
What on Earth were the other two hills you refused to die on?
This. I cannot imagine anything about which you could possibly be more vehemently against, so why did you not choose THIS to be one of your hills? Because... if I hated something this much, it would not only be a hill I'd die on, but I'd die on it screaming THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!! because seriously I cannot imagine being this riled up over something.
ETA: I see where you answered this question earlier. And... yeah, no. I think I would have let one of those go. This is clearly a MUCH bigger issue.
Actually, it's a smaller issue than the IL interference. My FH wanted social drinking and agreed to put some limitations on it as a compromise. If people behave with alcohol I'm fine. It's the ones that I know won't behave (and that is the minority) that scare me. I don't tolerate fools well and the people who drink excessively fall into that category. So because my FH wants the bar, we're having it. There are other things we're having that he's fine with because I want them. It's a compromise. One I don't like very much but I couldn't put my foot down completely on this one.
So do you need to invite these people at all? Who are they in relation to you? How many? What exactly do they do while drunk that is so awful?
As long as they don't start a physical altercation or grope anyone, honestly there's really nothing they can do to really ruin your reception unless you LET them effect you in that manner. Well ok, spilling a drink on your dress would be just awful, but even a sober klutz could do that!
Just think about it. Say they get falling down drunk. . . how does that actually effect you directly? If it's just that they annoy you, you can work on not getting annoyed.
The majority are FHs family, a couple are friends and one is on my side. So they are invited. And what do they do? Some get mean, some get annoying. How does it affect me when they get falling down drunk? Well, they say shitty things and do shitty things. It's just not what I want to be around. Thankfully I have people around me to run interference and get me away from them if I need to.
These are shitty people. Shitty people should not be in your life. Regardless of genetics.
Trust me. I totally agree with you. And I'm working on it. For the sake of FH, I'm not rocking the boat at this time. After the wedding, because I am marrying him and not these shitty people, I will rock it more. I know it pains my FH, so I am trying to spare his feelings while dealing with his family.
WHAT.
No. This is not okay. If FI married me, never indicating that he wasn't okay with my (rather crazy, definitely dysfunctional, twice-the-size-of-his) family, and then started cutting back contact after the wedding, that would be a HUGE dealbreaker. Like, grounds for divorce dealbreaker.
This may be one of the very worst things I have ever read on these boards ever in my whole Knottie life.
Oh for FFS cut the dramatics. I'm not cutting him off. I'm not even going to cut myself off. But after the wedding I will feel more comfortable being more direct when they start with their assholian behaviour. That's all. Unclench the pearls. FH knows the behaviour I don't like and he agrees with me. Again, unclench.
Yeah...he might know their behavior, and what you don't like...but he's not going to know your shiny new reactions is he? That's what you're keeping from him now. So you're going to show your true colors post wedding? Yeah...that'll make for a happy marriage.
Good luck and god speed.
I am not hiding anything from him. He know what I will say when a certain behaviour starts. This is no secret.
What behaviour?
If it's so I tolerable why the hell isn't your FI standing up for you and opening his mouth as already?
I don't understand why a wedding band needs to be involved for either one of you to say, "Hey, knock it the fuck off! I find that offensive."
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
@thespeshulestsnowflake I'll take a shot with you!!! Look at me!!! I just wrapped an executive meeting on the J.O.B. Making it RAIN, sitting in the Delta Lounge!!! The only mixer in here are the olives! Does that make me a degenerate?
About to blow your mind....it's not even 5:00 where I am. I am SUCH an out of control asshole.
This post is making me want to drink at the bar tonight while watching the Hawks play.
Anyone know a good recipe for Vegas Bombs? I want to make them myself and finding new recipes online to try.
There really isn't much variation on Vegas bombs... It is whisky (I like Crown Royal), Peach Schnapps, a wee bit of Malibu, and Red Bull. Anything else and it isn't really a Vegas Bomb.
ETA A lot of people skip the Malibu, which I prefer, Coconut is gross.
That's really true about the Malibu. A lot of placs I go to use different whisky I'm realizing, maybe that's the difference I'm thinking of. I drink VB's like pop. So delicious.
I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time.
So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.
I have never seen anyone on these boards suggest that alcohol is a requirement for good hosting. They have only stated if you are going to have alcohol host it properly. They have stated many times that dry weddings can be just as fun as open bars.
Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?
To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.
I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.
Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.
Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???
I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?
The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."
Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor.
Oh FFS. Just because people bring their own beverages doesn't mean that the hosts do not offer anything. It's just how our circle rolls, we all contribute, no matter whose house we're at or how perfectly under control things are. I'm hosting a party on Friday, I have the whole meal under control and FH has laid in some alcoholic beverages but still our friends will bring their own beverages and food to contribute. Because that's what we do. It's never asked, people just do it. It's not that my circle doesn't host properly, we just don't believe in showing up empty handed and not contributing. I won't ask my friends to help clean up afterward, they just will help bring the food back into the house and tidy up before leaving. Because we like to help each other out. I had no idea being generous and helpful was creating a badly hosted event. Sheesh.
I was going to comment on the vegetarian/ vegan/ cultural food thing, but many too many quote boxes going on!!
Addressing your guests' dietary concerns is what a good host does. It is not catering, it is not demanding it is being respectful. If you don't care to address these concerns then don't invite people over- go out to a restaurant.
We have a friend who is vegetarian and another who eats Halal. We invited our friends over and served pasta with meatballs. We kept them separate and also made a vegetable sauce for the pasta. Served with cheese bread and salad on the side. Voila. Simple, every guest considered, not hard.
I agree it's not hard. However, not everyone is confident enough in the kitchen so why would I put more pressure on them. When people come over, I create a meal everyone can eat. When I go elsewhere I ask if I can help, knowing I am the only vegetarian in the group and not everyone is schooled in what can be done. Sometimes they take my help, sometimes they say they've got it under control. Again, that's what friends do. So far, I have 5 different special meals that need to be created for my wedding. Each person with special dietary requirements has approached me to say not to fuss but I have already spoken with the chef and it's no problem. In a private home, it's different because not everyone has the training.
I should probably finish reading through the comments before posting, but I can't help myself. Do you realize how snobbish you sound in this post? You're basically insinuating that people who are not trained in a culinary school, or aren't "comfortable in the kitchen" could not possibly figure out how to take into account your dietary needs. If I invite someone over who I know is vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free, whatever, I am doing so with the understanding that I will have to accommodate their needs. If that's something I can't do, I would more than likely make plans to eat out or order in (which is what my friend who doesn't cook does, she gets dinner catered because she's a good host). Please do not insult your friends by insinuating they can't figure out how to make a meal that's vegetarian friendly. Posts like these make me truly appreciate my friends who would never look down on me that way and insult my abilities to host them.
Damn... I need a few shots get through this whole thread.
It's only 3:55 here. I'm sure what's-her-username might get upset that if I start day drinking, let alone drinking shots during the day.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
Where do you draw the line? I had a few glasses of wine so I'm drunk or I'm dancing on tables? I feel like you are purposely not clarifying what makes someone intoxicated and whtere or not someone is becomes strictly your judgement call. You haven't proven that how you arrive at such a conclusion makes sense.
Your statement about not needing alcohol to have a good time is fine. But again, it smacks of being completely defensive. I think the average person doesn't think it's required but it makes the party a hell of a lot better. Similarly you don't need an ass ton of food or great cake but you know what - a good cake can help.
Why does alcohol make a party a hell of a lot better? I have never understood this sentiment. Do you like to drink? Honest question. If you do not, no one will be able to explain this statement to you. It would be akin to a person who always wanted to and chose to have children explaining to a person who has never wanted and chose to be child free why kids are the best thing ever.
Where do I draw the line? It depends on the person and how much I trust them. My FH or my best friend can probably get away with a couple more than the average person. I just think multiple drinks at any time is just excessive... just like I think eating an entire cake is excessive. Actually, I think one person eating an entire cake in one sitting is pretty stupid too.
I believe in this thing called moderation, which few people seem to adhere to in social settings. Not to mention a lot of people consider weddings with open bars a time to completely lose their shit because they aren't paying for it (directly quoting quite a few conversations over the years). And those are shitty or juvenile- as in young- people who are not actually representative of the majority of social drinkers. So you are extrapolating the behavior of a few gross people out onto the wider population of people who like to drink socially- which is called a sweeping generalization.
Do your FILs have a drinking problem? Are they actually alcoholics? Or do they just drink too much in your opinion? How about your FI? I'm only asking because your FIL's and your FI are the ones that really wanted the open bar, right?
I drink very rarely and if I do it's one and then I'm done. I get wicked migraines from alcohol so most of the time it's just not worth the bother. I am usually the DD, which is fine because I know people get home safe but also a drag when it comes to dealing with some people.
Are there drinking issues in my ILs families? Yes. Do I think they drink too much? Yes. It's a focus point of all celebrations. They do celebratory shots (which is why we are not doing a receiving line or having them available in the cocktail hour) at all occasions. I just think this is ridiculous to have that much alcohol be that much of a focus. My family has alcohol but it is not a focal point. I think having a normal drink and then having shots on top of that is excessive. This is a normal cultural thing for them. For me, it is an uncomfortable awkward thing to sit through. I generally "take the air" when this shit starts.
What the fuck does a receiving line have to do with taking shots?
Also, so shots are what you consider the crossover into alcoholism? Because that's ridiculous. There is generally a shot or more in every mixed drink. It's the same thing as having a rum and coke.
Man we did shots DURING THE CEREMONY. Girl would've lost her damn mind. They are up there DRINKING while they are GETTING MARRIED!!!
Jeeves! Fetching me my smelling salts! I am about to faint!
Just in case the boxes-------------------------------------------------------------------
And now I want to do shots during my ceremony too. Did someone bring up the booze and glasses or did you have them set-up somewhere??
@notdoingitbythebook I was actually going to ask if your FI was Italian, Portuguese or Greek because shots on the receiving line is de rigeur at those weddings (and so much fun). As well, cash bars are unheard of for those families.
I have plenty of members of my family who act like utter and complete idiots while drinking, they are not invited to my wedding. My mother who is a functional alcoholic will be coming to my dry wedding.
As PPs have said, you have much larger issues at stake rather than your dismissal of alcohol as pure evil. You and your future husband do not necessarily seem to be on the same page. You do realise that your marriage is going to be more than your wedding day. His family will become your family, you may not agree with them in all things but they are an important part of who he is. He may not always be the "black sheep" in the family. As I got older, I stopped being the "black sheep" as family members realised that I just needed to grow up a little and find my own way in the world.
My family is Italian in my dad's side. . .we do not do shots in the receiving line. I've been to other Italian weddings a days this didn't happen.
That's a family thing.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
@thespeshulestsnowflake I'll take a shot with you!!! Look at me!!! I just wrapped an executive meeting on the J.O.B. Making it RAIN, sitting in the Delta Lounge!!! The only mixer in here are the olives! Does that make me a degenerate?
About to blow your mind....it's not even 5:00 where I am. I am SUCH an out of control asshole.
I've got a drink now, too!!! Just got home from work and opened up a beer. I'll prolly have a few tonight cuz it is Thursday. Then again, I tend to have a beer on days that end in 'y' so what do I know?
Re: Bar related question
And the feeling that you're "complicit" is again where that unhealthy attitude lies. Along with "I don't really care if it's important to them." Why not? Because alcohol again?
You don't really seem like a good judge of what inappropriate behavior is, and so while I want to be sympathetic and trust you that they are being "assholes" and that you shouldn't tolerate this mostly unknown behavior, I'm having difficulty trusting you that how they're acting is actually inappropriate. I hope you are correct.
I am not hiding anything from him. He know what I will say when a certain behaviour starts. This is no secret.
This is yet another example of you extrapolating weirdly. No one said anything about being underhanded, nor did anyone's post imply that.
What everyone is suggesting is that you get a reasonable thing to "believe" in, including but not limited to the idea that trying to control other people's behavior is generally not worth your time and often creates problems where there do not need to be problems. That you should treat your guests like adults. And that you do have very arbitrary lines drawn in the sand for what you will and will not be "complicit" in with regards to alcohol.
Jesus after reading this thread this is all I can say:
Sonofabitch @ashley8918 why do you have to be such a bully! YOU DON'T KNOW MY LYFE!!!!!!
A reward for reading this entire thread.
Yeah but you need to discuss this with this your fiance now prior to getting married, because once you're married you guys have to be on the same page, especially when dealing with his family. If you just start confronting your fiance's family out of the blue it's going to create a you vs them situation, and its going to put your FI in the middle. That's going to be especially troublesome if he doesn't actually agree with your position.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Or maybe you just have really low standards for what constitutes out of control guests.
Maybe your opinion on out of control guests was skewed by you working, rather than attending, the wedding.
Or maybe you just have really low standards for what constitutes out of control guests.
Based on the rest of her posts in this thread, I'd bet my left tit on this.
Oh for FFS cut the dramatics. I'm not cutting him off. I'm not even going to cut myself off. But after the wedding I will feel more comfortable being more direct when they start with their assholian behaviour. That's all. Unclench the pearls. FH knows the behaviour I don't like and he agrees with me. Again, unclench.
Then your FI needs to grow a backbone and address those issues with his family head on.
And recall what i said about not being able to control the actions of adults? Well not only does that apply here, but also adults don't change unless they want to. So just being direct with them that they are being assholes about XYZ isn't likely to do anything. . .especially if FI is already the black sheep for not towing the line.
Your FI has to be prepared and willing to limit interactions if his family is really that terrible, because all you two can do is control your own actions and reactions, and choose not to engage.
If they do something to piss you off, and you tell them, and they keep it up or escalate, all you can do at that point is leave.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I am not hiding anything from him. He know what I will say when a certain behaviour starts. This is no secret.
What behaviour?
If it's so I tolerable why the hell isn't your FI standing up for you and opening his mouth as already?
I don't understand why a wedding band needs to be involved for either one of you to say, "Hey, knock it the fuck off! I find that offensive."
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
About to blow your mind....it's not even 5:00 where I am. I am SUCH an out of control asshole.
Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???
I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?
The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."
Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor.
Oh FFS. Just because people bring their own beverages doesn't mean that the hosts do not offer anything. It's just how our circle rolls, we all contribute, no matter whose house we're at or how perfectly under control things are. I'm hosting a party on Friday, I have the whole meal under control and FH has laid in some alcoholic beverages but still our friends will bring their own beverages and food to contribute. Because that's what we do. It's never asked, people just do it. It's not that my circle doesn't host properly, we just don't believe in showing up empty handed and not contributing. I won't ask my friends to help clean up afterward, they just will help bring the food back into the house and tidy up before leaving. Because we like to help each other out. I had no idea being generous and helpful was creating a badly hosted event. Sheesh.But why I should probably finish reading through the comments before posting, but I can't help myself. Do you realize how snobbish you sound in this post? You're basically insinuating that people who are not trained in a culinary school, or aren't "comfortable in the kitchen" could not possibly figure out how to take into account your dietary needs. If I invite someone over who I know is vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free, whatever, I am doing so with the understanding that I will have to accommodate their needs. If that's something I can't do, I would more than likely make plans to eat out or order in (which is what my friend who doesn't cook does, she gets dinner catered because she's a good host). Please do not insult your friends by insinuating they can't figure out how to make a meal that's vegetarian friendly. Posts like these make me truly appreciate my friends who would never look down on me that way and insult my abilities to host them.
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Just in case the boxes-------------------------------------------------------------------
And now I want to do shots during my ceremony too. Did someone bring up the booze and glasses or did you have them set-up somewhere??
That's a family thing.
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