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Etiquette

Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

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Re: Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

  • PixeKat86 said:
    Having just gone through a lot of super fun with US Customs and Border Patrol, would it have been easier if we were already married so I could have a green card?  Yes.  But we want a wedding with our friends and family present.  Being slightly inconvenienced by my work visa application is not a reason to have a PPD.
    Amen @PixeKat86.  That's called being an adult and making choices like an adult.

    I rushed into getting married to my XH - he was being deployed and we had a 1-year old and decided that if he was putting himself in harm's way we needed to have our shit in order.  We pushed our wedding up by months and had to compromise on EVERYTHING.  We didn't have a do-over when he got back.  We lived with our decision.

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    PrettyGirlLostmcgarci2
  • I'm not doing this, I just said I'm not sure I'm 100% against things like this where there is 100% transparency and no gifts are expected.  That's all.
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  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
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    meeglins said:
    I think what you are doing here is making a number of sweeping generalizations that you have no right to make. Plenty of people go to the courthouse and get married first and then exchange vows later in front of their families and friends. How do you think destination weddings work? Big Wedding Events are logistical nightmares and sometimes real life has a way of getting in the way of everything you have planned. Timelines don't match up. This person isn't available on that date. Your venue burned down. You had to move. You had everything planned and then X tragedy happened. Are you trying to argue that these people don't have the right to a wedding, the way they planned it? Or at all?

    You are. You're saying they CHOSE to get married that way. I don't think so. Some? Yes. But most? Probably not. And neither one of those parties exclusively "rushes' into those decisions and then regrets it later.Your waxing on about deception and mistakes and do-overs is in poor taste and smacks of privilege. 

    I could make a number of assumptions about why everyone is so adamant about these antiquated concepts of weddings or so butthurt about these so called "do-overs" (a term that I neither agree with nor condone). But that too would be in poor taste. Personally I would advise everyone to get off their high horses and to stop being the wedding police and let some folks live and celebrate however the heck they want. 


    My hubby and I had to move for a job during wedding planning.  Sure, it was a pain in the ass, but we went ahead and got married as planned back where we had been living.  Everyone else had to drive, why not us as well?  Still just as married.  We did not even consider going to "get the paperwork done" then having a PPD.  Because they are rude and we don't like being rude to people we care about.

    southernbelle0915grumbledoredoeydo
  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Ok I have a question.  I'm not 100% sure how I personally feel about PPD's and the like because of this:

    I have had several (>5) couples that are friends/family that did common law/JOP weddings, and announced to their friends and families that they were married, addressed each other as husband/wife, and their family and friends harassed them for a "real" wedding.  What bugs me is their families wanted a big to-do...not really the couple.  No one was lied to... one invitation even read:  Help us re-inact our vows for friends and family!  So I'm not sure how I feel in these situations...ya know?  

    If everyone is in the loop, they don't do a registry, but want to celebrate with repeating vows/saying traditional vows or personalized vows, then is it really a big deal?
    Yeah, I'd say doing it because you caved to your family's whiny demands is even worse.
    southernbelle0915grumbledorePrettyGirlLost
  • I'm not sure that's what the family was doing...more like wanting to be apart of the day and knowing others had been looking forward to celebrating.  IDK it seems like in some circles this is more common than in others, and if no one is being lied to I don't really see a problem with it.

    Now the girls that want a do-over or re-do I get people's reactions.  I just think it depends on the level of transparency and the group in which they go with.
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  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl The Cold North member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    meeglins said:
    I think what you are doing here is making a number of sweeping generalizations that you have no right to make. Plenty of people go to the courthouse and get married first and then exchange vows later in front of their families and friends. How do you think destination weddings work? Big Wedding Events are logistical nightmares and sometimes real life has a way of getting in the way of everything you have planned. Timelines don't match up. This person isn't available on that date. Your venue burned down. You had to move. You had everything planned and then X tragedy happened. Are you trying to argue that these people don't have the right to a wedding, the way they planned it? Or at all?


    I'd like to hear from destination wedding brides about how they actually did it. I know some who have their ceremony "legally" performed in the foreign country, and some who have the "legal" ceremony performed right before or after the destination celebration. I think saying those couples are "doing it wrong" is a little silly, though I agree that you should never lie to your friends and family. 

    We are not having my "legal" paperwork done at my destination wedding because we don't want a stranger performing the religious ceremony which is a legal requirement in the country we selected. We love the religious aspect to the union of marriage, and we want our minister to perform it at our destination so the ceremony is personalized. This means the paperwork cannot take place in the foreign country, and we are ok with that - like you said, grumble, we are CHOOSING to have it our own way. 

    Our friends and family know what we are doing and have said they are excited to see how personalized our ceremony will be. All the naysayers out there can say our guests are lying to my face, and maybe that's true (you never technically know, right?)... but they know our wedding/marriage plan, and if they think we're "doing it wrong" and are offended, then I feel bad that they might be so caught up in the negativity that they may not enjoy themselves as much as they might if they just relaxed and celebrated with us.

    Anyway, on a HAPPIER note, we leave 2 weeks from tomorrow and we are SO EXCITED :)
    @meeglins Actually, you are now making sweeping generalizations about a bunch of other people.  I had a DW and we were legally married in that country with no JOP at home.  DW do not actually work that way unless you choose to do that.  Some countries are easier to get married in than others.  We specifically didn't look at countries that required 45 days residency to get married.  



    @onlinebanker12 - As I said, we did a DW.  We did it by planning a wedding, that same as at home, but over e-mail rather than in person.  We then flew to our destination, went to the Dept. of Health, filled out our paperwork and paid the fee.  We obtained our license on the Thursday and got married on the Monday.  We had a licensed officiant who then signed the license and sent it back to the Dept of Health.  About 3 months later, we received our wedding certificate in the mail.  
      
       Another friend got married in Cuba.  She had her papers translated into Spanish and notarized as required and had her ceremony done legally in Cuba.  She also planned everything online.  They have a copy of their license in Spanish and there is a copy on file at the Cuban consulate here.  
     
       As long as you look into requirements, it's not hard to do.  You just might have the extra step of getting documents translated.  And you need to do it much further in advance than you would at home, so you just need to be more prepared.  If we couldn't have been legally married at our wedding, we never would have gone away.  
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    grumbledoredoeydoAshleyNicole1218
  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I'm not sure that's what the family was doing...more like wanting to be apart of the day and knowing others had been looking forward to celebrating.  IDK it seems like in some circles this is more common than in others, and if no one is being lied to I don't really see a problem with it.

    Now the girls that want a do-over or re-do I get people's reactions.  I just think it depends on the level of transparency and the group in which they go with.
    There is absolutely nothing wrong with you not having a problem with PPDs. If your distant cousin or your best friend has a PPD and you're right by her side? No problem.

    People here just get pissed when people come on the etiquette board and either announce that they're having a PPD (and get all psycho when people call them out on it), or tell others that "It's your day, do what you want girl!"

    That's when people like me start sifting through the appropriate GIFs (this is directed at imaginary OPs, not you PP):
    image


    grumbledore:
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    Anniversary
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    KeptInStitchesgrumbledore
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Agreed. @grumbledore, make it so!
  • I'd also be interested to hear from more people who had a DW!

  • meeglins said:

    I feel incredibly bad that everyone on here has such judgmental friends and families with such narrow world views. For everyone to be so concerned with lying and deception and assumed gift grabbing when all you're trying to do is celebrate your love; it's troubling really. All the focus on the technicalities and the specifics seems to be at odds with the bigger picture but different strokes I suppose. 
     



    I feel incredibly bad for everyone who feels wearing a fucking princess dress and parading around for attention is more important than being spiritually and legally bound to the love of one's life. I feel even worse for anyone who thinks that part is a fucking 'technicality.'

    Amen @artbyallie!

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  • kelceyakelceya member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary
    edited October 2013
    I'd also be interested to hear from more people who had a DW!
    I'm American, fiance is Polish, getting married in Ireland. Took a trip to Dublin last month to do a site visit and run some wedding-related errands. Made an appointment with the registrar, showed up with documents, paid the fee and we now have a marriage license! To be signed on our wedding day :)

    ETA: Like MissMWood, my fiance and I received plenty of suggestions and even requests to just get married and speed up immigration documents. But we wanted to do things at our own pace, live together for a while before tying the knot, and plan a wedding to which we could invite all of our loved ones with plenty of time to make travel arrangements. So we sat through the bureaucratic meetings and printed more copies of passport photos than I can count, and now we're planning the wedding we dreamed of!
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    Dreamergirl8812grumbledoremrskaiser22
  • We've been looking at doing a Caribbean or Gulf DW.  There are tons of resources online that tell you the requirements.  Your travel agent, wedding planner, or consultant at your cruiseline/resort would also be an invaluable resource as it's something that would come up ALL the time.  One country we looked at required a bloodtest and afterwards you have to get your certificate translated & notarized to be recognized in your home country.  Another just required you to pay an additional fee if you hadn't been in the country for X amount of time prior.  There's a small added expense or extra paperwork but not enough to make me consider *not* getting legally married at the time of our DW.  Otherwise it's sort of like "what's the point?"  I'd be pissed if I spent thousands of dollars on travel and later found out I was lied to and watched a fake wedding.  Want to have a JOP?  Your prerogative.  Still want me to celebrate with you afterwards?  Who doesn't love an excuse to celebrate?  Don't insult me by lying to me and making me watch you pretend to get married.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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    mrskaiser22doeydo
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    phira said:
    Oh laaaaawdy ...

    So I hang out on a certain other wedding website forum (sue me--I get bored sometimes!), and a bride posted a topic about how upset she was that most of her guests didn't give any gifts or even cards for her wedding. That sounds very upsetting!

    Except she eloped with just immediate family present and had the reception later. While she insists that not very many people were upset about the situation, she does acknowledge that a lot of people had to travel to get to the wedding. But ya know, she's really upset! This feels like such a slap in the face!

    Of course, so many of the other forum-goers consoled her and told her how rude it was for people not to even get her a card ... and I basically said, "Look, you got married and then had a party that was not your wedding. Some people might have felt like it was a gift grab. If I were a guest of yours, I would have been very upset about the situation."

    Naturally, everyone got very upset. Because I used the term PPD, another bride basically told me to keep that shit on the etiquette forum of a certain other site. OH WELL THEN.

    But seriously--the bride didn't give any reason for why she eloped and had a "full-scale reception" later. Why not wait UNTIL the reception to get married? If you don't like being the center of attention, then why have a reception? If these people weren't good enough to come to your wedding, and they had to spend a lot of money coming to your non-wedding-party, then you are a rude piece of work to say that they were rude to you.
    This is what I don't get about couples who want an intimate ceremony and then a huge reception right afterwards.  Many times they say it is because they don't like to be the center of attention. Well what the hell do they think is going to happen at the reception?  People are just going to ignore them?  It is like not wanting to be the center of attention but you have a big birthday party. Guess what, you are the guest of honor and the whole point of the damn party so you are going to be the center of attention.

    mrskaiser22simplykaylaVivandiere8
  • faithall said:
    I can get behind not calling it a "wedding"....
     
    But I don't see the problem if someone wants to get dressed up and celebrate the marriage that has already taken place. If it's marketed correctly, I don't think loved ones would refuse to attend. I cold wear my wedding dress to mow my lawn in if I wanted to.

    Your announcement is just... rather abrupt for people who might come here looking to make the best out of the choices they have made. Maybe a more helpful blog on this topic is in order. 
    Wear your wedding dress to mow your lawn if you want - just don't wear it to stage a reenactment of your wedding.

    And as always, every person who reads this is 100% entitled to continue with whatever plan they've put in place - words of caution are just that, words of caution.  It's advice from a non-biased third party who has no skin in the game of your (general) life.
    I do disagree with you on this one. There's a bunch of regs on here who have no problem with you wearing a poofy white dress to your celebration/later reception/whatever you call it. I think, and I apologize if I'm wrong on this one, that @itzMS is one of them. 

    As long as you're not pretending it's your wedding and reenacting your vows, go for it.
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    Kerigirl9
  • I'm with @itzMS on this one - wearing your dress to your celebration party doesn't bother me in the least, as long as it's a celebration party and not a reenactment of the wedding day with all the bells and whistles. 
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I think it's a little strange to wear a wedding dress when you aren't a bride, but it's there isn't really anything wrong with it.

    But holding a ceremony with a wedding party and being pronounced husband and wife is just fake and ridiculous.



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    PrettyGirlLost
  • allispain said:
    I'm with @itzMS on this one - wearing your dress to your celebration party doesn't bother me in the least, as long as it's a celebration party and not a reenactment of the wedding day with all the bells and whistles. 
    To me, wearing the dress is something that would most likely accompany a fake ceremony.  If someone wears it without reenacting the ceremony, I wouldn't care, it would just look out of place.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In regards to the wedding dress wearing topic.  I think it really depends on the style dress.  If you have a huge blinged out ballgown I would think you were crazy.  But if you were wearing something a bit more subdued I wouldn't really care.

    I mean, there are plenty of gorgeous formal gowns that come in white that don't particularly scream wedding dress.

    APDSS22simplykayla
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    That's your opinion. There are MANY women here who view their JOP wedding as the day they got married. And if one party needs an annulment, why not build that into planning - i.e., don't start planning until it has gone through?
    Dreamergirl8812PrettyGirlLostMissMWoodsimplykayla
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