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Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

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Re: Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    See the edit on my previous comment.
    Let me rephrase. What precisely do you expect the bride (ok, recently married woman) to do in these scenarios? Wait five years and then host a renewal, with no registries and very toned down? Host a party but with no hint of "wedding-y" stuff? Or just accept that she is married and that is that?

    I ask because although I have never been married, I am seeing these kinds of events popping up more and more.

    ETA: I don't disagree with you, @pdkh. I just don't see how it's really feasible to use assumed motivation as the standard of appropriateness. I have no idea what somebody is thinking. Their version of scaled down might still be excessive to me.

    ETA: it feels like the trend in renewals now is not that scaled back, really, if shows like Say Yes to the Dress are any gauge. They had a woman on not too long ago trying on $10, $15K gowns! So what is the standard, and where does it cross into unseemly PPD territory?
    Sällskapdjur
  • honeykeatonhoneykeaton member
    First Comment
    edited October 2013
    So I am newly engaged and we were thinking about going and having a civil union next month and then having a celebration of our marriage in the spring/summer of 2014 due to our crazy work schedules we only have a short window to have a wedding/get married. We are ready to get married now but our schedules don't permit an actual wedding right now. I have been going crazy trying to decide on what we should do. We both agree that we want to get married next month but the way our schedules are its hard to get a wedding together. I don't want my family to feel as though they are being robbed because that's definitely not the case. I never imagined getting married without my daddy giving me away and that's what I want. I am thinking about discussing it with both our parents to get their take on it.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    @kitty8403 I would think that the couple would forgo the ceremony portion of their previously planned event and just have the celebration portion.  Also they should tone down any wedding aspects such as bouquet toss/garter toss and forgo having any wedding party.  They should also not accept any pre-wedding parties since they are already married.

    They of course can have a party to celebrate their new marriage but they shouldn't have it and act like they were just wed 30 minutes prior.

    As for lavish vow renewals.  I think they are silly.  I especially think that wearing a huge wedding dress for your 20 or whatever year vow renewal is ridiculous.  You are a married woman for many years.  If you want to wear a gorgeous dress, do so, but it should not be a huge white wedding gown.

    I think the wedding industry, which seems to be all over the place now on TV, makes all of these lavish and crazy ideas okay.  They are out to make money.  But doing certain things just makes some people look silly.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2013
    PDKH said:
    So I am newly engaged and we were thinking about going and having a civil union next month and then having a celebration of our marriage in the spring/summer of 2014 due to our crazy work schedules we only have a short window to have a wedding/get married. We are ready to get married now but our schedules don't permit an actual wedding right now. I have been going crazy trying to decide on what we should do. We both agree that we want to get married next month but the way our schedules are its hard to get a wedding together. I don't want my family to feel as though they are being robbed because that's definitely not the case. I never imagined getting married without my daddy giving me away and that's what I want. I am thinking about discussing it with both our parents to get their take on it.
    Why can't you wait?
    @honeykeaton - I second this question.

    Edited to tag OP

    PrettyGirlLost
  • @Maggie0829 that helps. Thank you!
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I had a "come to Jesus" moment with this issue a few weeks ago when I asked TK about having a civil wedding first and then having a "wedding" day celebration another day. It got messy; but in the end I think there is a valid point in this issue and why it angers folks. I was ignorant about many things and understood them as I saw them in my circle of friends and family. I don't think I meant harm- but was gonna cause harm. 

    Not trying to start a debate here. I have a "lefty" worldview and support same-sex marriage. My cousin, who is one of my groomsmen and happens to be gay, was NOT fighting to get a wedding celebration but to get marriage rights with his partner of 10 years. 
     
    Once I considered him, friends and family - I just couldn't bring myself to consider a civil wedding less valid than the actual wedding celebration.  There have been many of my friends who have chosen to get married JOP style and their marriage is valid even if they were wearing jeans and a bikini. (It happened)  As shocking as it for some of you to believe, it's a norm in my circle of family and friends, but it doesn't make it right. Obviously, I have decided to get married the day of, rather than before. 

    Just something to think about. You might not get the responses you want, but I certainly don't want to loose friends and family because they were insulted by my actions. 








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    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    grumbledoreclimbingwife
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    @kitty8403 - Welcome!  I am all for couples celebrating their marriages and unions.  Heck I am a fan of having a party to celebrate anything and everything.  I just think sometimes it is hard for people to give up that "my wedding day" vision that they have had probably since they were 3.

    Sällskapdjur
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2013
    So I am newly engaged and we were thinking about going and having a civil union next month and then having a celebration of our marriage in the spring/summer of 2014 due to our crazy work schedules we only have a short window to have a wedding/get married. We are ready to get married now but our schedules don't permit an actual wedding right now. I have been going crazy trying to decide on what we should do. We both agree that we want to get married next month but the way our schedules are its hard to get a wedding together. I don't want my family to feel as though they are being robbed because that's definitely not the case. I never imagined getting married without my daddy giving me away and that's what I want. I am thinking about discussing it with both our parents to get their take on it.
    Why don't you just wait until 2014 and do it all at once. . . get married and have the celebration of your wedding all on the same day.  The way that everyone used to do it.

    Seriously, why do you need to get married next month?

    I got engaged in June of 2012. . . I'm not getting married until October of 2014.  I'm still engaged, I didn't have a civil ceremony.  I just don't get it.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    APDSS22[Deleted User]mcgarci2
  • So I am newly engaged and we were thinking about going and having a civil union next month and then having a celebration of our marriage in the spring/summer of 2014 due to our crazy work schedules we only have a short window to have a wedding/get married. We are ready to get married now but our schedules don't permit an actual wedding right now. I have been going crazy trying to decide on what we should do. We both agree that we want to get married next month but the way our schedules are its hard to get a wedding together. I don't want my family to feel as though they are being robbed because that's definitely not the case. I never imagined getting married without my daddy giving me away and that's what I want. I am thinking about discussing it with both our parents to get their take on it.
    Why don't you just wait until 2014 and do it all at once. . . get married and have the celebration of your wedding all on the same day.  The way that everyone used to do it.

    Seriously, why do you need to get married next month?

    I got engaged in June of 2012. . . I'm not getting married until October of 2014.  I'm still engaged, I didn't have a civil ceremony.  I just don't get it.
    That's my rock and hard place. I want to wait but at the same time I want to go ahead and do it and have the celebration of the wedding in the summer. I never imagined having to make this decision...its tough. Neither of us are fans of long engagements
  • So I am newly engaged and we were thinking about going and having a civil union next month and then having a celebration of our marriage in the spring/summer of 2014 due to our crazy work schedules we only have a short window to have a wedding/get married. We are ready to get married now but our schedules don't permit an actual wedding right now. I have been going crazy trying to decide on what we should do. We both agree that we want to get married next month but the way our schedules are its hard to get a wedding together. I don't want my family to feel as though they are being robbed because that's definitely not the case. I never imagined getting married without my daddy giving me away and that's what I want. I am thinking about discussing it with both our parents to get their take on it.
    Why don't you just wait until 2014 and do it all at once. . . get married and have the celebration of your wedding all on the same day.  The way that everyone used to do it.

    Seriously, why do you need to get married next month?

    I got engaged in June of 2012. . . I'm not getting married until October of 2014.  I'm still engaged, I didn't have a civil ceremony.  I just don't get it.
    This. 

    FI and I had been together for 9 years when he proposed in June of 2012. We were 100% ready to be married then and there. But we wanted to share the day we actually got married with our family and friends. Due to schedules and such we weren't able to start planning until August 2013 and aren't getting married until Sept 2014. 

    Would it be nice to be married now? hell yes. We own a home together, we share finances and we've been together for over a decade. But we're not liars, and we're not going to have a faux ceremony where we treat our nearest and dearest as props so we can have "Our Big Day". 

    Life is about choices, not all of them are easy, not all of them are fair. But you always have the choice to treat your family and friends with respect. PPD's and lying are disrespectful.  



    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    PrettyGirlLostAPDSS22simplykaylabuddysmom80
  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited October 2013





    So I am newly engaged and we were thinking about going and having a civil union next month and then having a celebration of our marriage in the spring/summer of 2014 due to our crazy work schedules we only have a short window to have a wedding/get married. We are ready to get married now but our schedules don't permit an actual wedding right now. I have been going crazy trying to decide on what we should do. We both agree that we want to get married next month but the way our schedules are its hard to get a wedding together. I don't want my family to feel as though they are being robbed because that's definitely not the case. I never imagined getting married without my daddy giving me away and that's what I want. I am thinking about discussing it with both our parents to get their take on it.
    Why don't you just wait until 2014 and do it all at once. . . get married and have the celebration of your wedding all on the same day.  The way that everyone used to do it.

    Seriously, why do you need to get married next month?

    I got engaged in June of 2012. . . I'm not getting married until October of 2014.  I'm still engaged, I didn't have a civil ceremony.  I just don't get it.
    That's my rock and hard place. I want to wait but at the same time I want to go ahead and do it and have the celebration of the wedding in the summer. I never imagined having to make this decision...its tough. Neither of us are fans of long engagements

    Sorry if this sounds impolite--I've met a lot of couples who dislike long engagements for religious/moral/other personal reasons. It is understandably frustrating if you're forced to wait an extra six months to a year to get time for a big event but want to be married now.

    That's the trade off for the big party stuff though, honestly--lots of money and lots of waiting and planning and getting in line. Most brides, if they are trying to do a "typical" wedding, now are waiting as long as 1-2 years. FI was so busy, he took almost six months between when he intended to propose and when he actually did. By then, vendors were crazy booked, which for us means waiting another year for a summer event. We didn't have any urgent reasons for needing to be married earlier, so we chose to wait.

    PrettyGirlLostsouthernbelle0915APDSS22
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    lennonkdc said:
    This. 

    FI and I had been together for 9 years when he proposed in June of 2012. We were 100% ready to be married then and there. But we wanted to share the day we actually got married with our family and friends. Due to schedules and such we weren't able to start planning until August 2013 and aren't getting married until Sept 2014. 

    Would it be nice to be married now? hell yes. We own a home together, we share finances and we've been together for over a decade. But we're not liars, and we're not going to have a faux ceremony where we treat our nearest and dearest as props so we can have "Our Big Day". 

    Life is about choices, not all of them are easy, not all of them are fair. But you always have the choice to treat your family and friends with respect. PPD's and lying are disrespectful.  
    FI and I were together for almost 11 years when he proposed!  We are like twinsies :-)

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    grumbledoreAPDSS22
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    So I am newly engaged and we were thinking about going and having a civil union next month and then having a celebration of our marriage in the spring/summer of 2014 due to our crazy work schedules we only have a short window to have a wedding/get married. We are ready to get married now but our schedules don't permit an actual wedding right now. I have been going crazy trying to decide on what we should do. We both agree that we want to get married next month but the way our schedules are its hard to get a wedding together. I don't want my family to feel as though they are being robbed because that's definitely not the case. I never imagined getting married without my daddy giving me away and that's what I want. I am thinking about discussing it with both our parents to get their take on it.
    Why don't you just wait until 2014 and do it all at once. . . get married and have the celebration of your wedding all on the same day.  The way that everyone used to do it.

    Seriously, why do you need to get married next month?

    I got engaged in June of 2012. . . I'm not getting married until October of 2014.  I'm still engaged, I didn't have a civil ceremony.  I just don't get it.
    That's my rock and hard place. I want to wait but at the same time I want to go ahead and do it and have the celebration of the wedding in the summer. I never imagined having to make this decision...its tough. Neither of us are fans of long engagements
    I am sorry but I still don't understand.  If you don't want to wait to get married then either quickly plan a wedding now and get married in a shorter amount of time or skip the pageantry part and just get married by the JOP and be happy with that.  But if you want the pageantry and do not want to try and plan quickly then just wait to get married.

    grumbledorePrettyGirlLost
  • DaphneM7 said:

    I really don't get why people have such a difficult time with PPD.  They can be fun, and the don't negativily impact anyone who CHOOSES to attend.  (unless they were deceived, but that is different).  YOu don't have to enjoy them, just don't attend.  I have gone to a handful of PPD and I loved them.  Each bride and groom had different reasons on why they chose to do it the way they did, and thats their decision.  I had a great time getting dressed up, drinking and dancing and all the other great stuff that goes along.  For some I bought gifts and some it did not. This is really a difference in opions and not an ettiquette issues.  

     

     

    Is it okay to have a second/better/real wedding if my original wedding was a disappointment/emergency/elopement?  No. Sure! YOu can pay for as many ceremonies and parties as you would like.  Please dont expect anyone else to pay for this choice though (including asking for gifts).  But my original wedding was just me, my FI and a JOP - it was unromantic, none of my friends and family were there, and I regret it!  Unfortunately, this is a hazard of choosing to rush and get married without considering how you might feel about it later.  The fact is, you are already married - the day that you stood in front of the JOP was the day that you married your husband. In addition, disregarding JOP weddings as "not real" or not good enough is incredibly insulting to both those couples who choose to have courthouse weddings and are happy with that choice, and to same sex couples who just want to have the privilege to have that ceremony and all of the benefits that come with it, but can't in many states. A civil wedding is every bit as real as a religious one.  A courthouse wedding is just as good as a country-club  wedding.   Wanting to redo your wedding is not an insult to other who are content with a JOP wedding, people liek and accept different things.  Maybe people who find this offensive are projecting their insecurities onto others? I personally and having a small private wedding because that is what I want, the idea of haveing a huge fancy wedding sounds horrible to me.  That doesn't make it wrong for others to want that.  Yes, a courthouse wedding is just as legal/binding as a beautiful overly priced weddingby wanting to recreate/redo your wedding day it doesn't invalidate you previous wedding day, it just another opportunity to share you love and make memories with you famliy.  Some choose to do this with parties and receptions and some choose to do this with a big poofy dress and vows.  Adding in the same sex marriage issue, is comparing apples to orange.  I know same sex couples who have choosen to have commitement ceremonies, with big dresses and tuxes.  It isn't legal, so why do they have it?  Because it still mean something to them, just like a PPD does to some brides.
    1. But, no one got to see it, now they can! No, they can't. They weren't there when you got married. That ship has sailed. Now, all you are offering them is a cheap re-enactment of that moment. It isn't the same and it can't be the same. While you may regret it, it's done, own your choice. They can't see the orginal, legally binding ceremony- you are correct.  I still enjoy sharing in the moment, watching my friends recreate/redo an important part in their life.  It is special to them, and I am very honored to be apart of their PPD.  I know my grandmother loved seeing my cousin recreate her dream wedding, she missed due to her husband being in the hospital and shortly after passing.  It helped her get some closure, and we all loved another chance to get together as a family. 
    2. But, that’s not fair.  I deserve to have the wedding I always dreamed of!  It may seem unfair, but assuming you married after the age of 18 under your own power and authority, you made this choice.  You could have waited, but you chose to get married when and how you did, and you should own that decision and move on.  Also, remember that a wedding, complete with all the little details we all love, is not a right or a requirement.  It is a luxury. You are correct that no one is ENTITLED to have a dream wedding, but if you can support you wishes and others are happy to share in the memories, go for it. 
    3. But, we were married at the courthouse and I always wanted to be married in my church! Once again, you made the choice to be married in a civil ceremony. No one will judge you for going to your place of worship and asking that your marriage be blessed/considered valid/etc under the tenets of your religion. But do it privately, or with a few close family members, and don't call it a "wedding" or have any of the other trappings of a "wedding." It's not appropriate or necessary. if you are looking for validation from your religion, then get it, but don't use it as an excuse for a do-over.for many people their "real" wedding IS the one that takes place in a church, temple, etc. under the eyes of God and before their families and friends. The stuff by the state is just a legal formality.  This isn't meant as an insult to people who don't hold religion as close as other do, this is just how they personally feel about their wedding ceremony.  People who choose to do this, aren't looking down on non religous people belittling their relationship. This is just an important part of their lives, and they choose to share it with people who are close to them. 

    4. .  I needed insurance/housing/(insert other benefit here)!  Marrying for any one of these reasons does not make you any less married.  IF you choose to get married quickly in order to gain insurance coverage, housing, or any other federal/legal benefit, the day you do so is your wedding day.  You are not entitled to a do-over - even if you regret the decision. YOu are right, you aren't any less married, and they are entitled to a redo.  But they aren't limited either.  They can choose to fund and create their second ceremony just as someone has their first, as long as they are running around leing to people and they accept that some people may decline the second ceremony. 
    5. Well, whatever, my friends and family love me and none of them has a problem with this!  Be careful here.  Peruse the boards for a few hours and you will find many, many stories of friends and family who were guests or otherwise involved in a wedding do-over who never said a single word to the bride & groom but still resent them/took issue with it/think less of them now for doing it/just generally had a bad time.  Your friends and family will usually keep their mouths shut in this situation - not because they condone your actions, but because they love you and they don’t want to hurt you.  Give them the same treatment in return, and don’t do this to them. There are lots of judgement people on this board, that is correct.  Who, for some reason don't like PPD.  Unless they are lied to (which is a different story) they don't have to attend.  Their are a lot of people, who accept and support people who redo their weddings for teh meany reasons that people choose to redo. 
    6. No one knows we are married - what they don’t know won’t hurt them.  This will be our only wedding for them.  This is possibly the worst case PPD scenario.  Lying to your friends and family will come back to bite you every time.  People will find out, and they will be angry/hurt/resentful.  They will hold it against you indefinitely.  Do yourself a favor - these are the people you love most in the world - be honest with them.  They will feel tricked and insulted if you have a PPD and don’t tell them - even moreso than if you do it without lying. This one I agree with, don't lie to those close to you.  Its not right
    7. Okay, I see your point, but I am still really sad that I didn't get to celebrate my marriage with my friends and family in the style that I would have liked to! Luckily, you still have some options. You can have a party celebrating your marriage - just take care to avoid making it look like a stage re-enactment of your wedding. It would be inappropriate to have a ceremony, big poofy white wedding dress, wedding party, tosses, cake cutting or first dances since you were already married. You can, however, throw a big party for everyone you love with a great meal, music and dancing. Invite your guests to join you at a celebration of your marriage, not a wedding. If it's been awhile (normally at least 5 years, frequently 10 or more) you can host a vow renewal. These options may be okay for some, but some others may still want to recreate their day and make memories that include exchanging vows and wearing and giant dress.  So what, it doesn't hurt anyone
    You have to do it for your own reasons and it has to be special to you. Just remember that there are those friends and family who love you dearly and want to be there on your big day to show their love and support. They may look at your big day as the courhouse ceremony and not the redo ceremony which means they could be hurt to find out that you didn't want them to be there. Which would be the case, whether or not you chose to have a PPD.

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    grumbledorePrettyGirlLostDreamergirl8812
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    DaphneM7 said:
    NYCBruin said:
    Ok I have a question.  I'm not 100% sure how I personally feel about PPD's and the like because of this:

    I have had several (>5) couples that are friends/family that did common law/JOP weddings, and announced to their friends and families that they were married, addressed each other as husband/wife, and their family and friends harassed them for a "real" wedding.  What bugs me is their families wanted a big to-do...not really the couple.  No one was lied to... one invitation even read:  Help us re-inact our vows for friends and family!  So I'm not sure how I feel in these situations...ya know?  

    If everyone is in the loop, they don't do a registry, but want to celebrate with repeating vows/saying traditional vows or personalized vows, then is it really a big deal?
    This is no different than any other rude thing a family member may push. Just because Mom thinks cash bars are ok and you should have one to save money doesn't suddenly make it ok for the couple to do it. Rude is rude no matter where the idea originated.

    But a PPD isn't rude, it isn't offensive to anyone.  Some people don't like them, but how are they offensive or rude?  This is contradictory to the reasons not to have them, given by the OP.  YOu don't ahve one because you are already married and people dont want to watch you "fake" you wedding.  Except some people do enjoy watching PPD, some people do being included in the redo and are happy to support the bride and groom, again.  So they can't enjoy, celebrating and watching their friends and family redo/recreate their wedding because some people jsut dont' liek them?   If you parents want to throw you a PPD and you are okay with it, GO FOR IT!!!   It is not rude to have a PPD. 

    I have done a search, looked on a lot of old threads and other sites wedding boards and it would seem that a majority of people IRL are okay with PPD.  Some may wish they could have attended the original, but most are understanding of the different circumstances and enjoy attending the PPD.

    It is rude to lie to your friends and family. It is uncouth to throw a ceremony and exchange vows when you have already married each other, especially when this is done in conjuction with lying to your friends and family.

    It is NOT rude to throw a kickass party with a dinner, dancing, etc. as long as this is done without the trappings of a wedding.
    PrettyGirlLostAPDSS22
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