No kids = No Kids!

Marie_Antoinette_Cakes · April 2010

My sister and I had this issue! I was her MOH, and gladly agreed to call people with kids to explain to them. (We have the same friends and family, so it wasn't an awkward request).After explicitly explaining that children are NOT allowed under any circumstance (it was a white tie wedding - highly formal), my cousin brought along her four kids under the age of five. She didn't see what the "problem" was, even though I had called her, and posted the information on the website. Luckily, one of the bridesmaids owns a daycare center, and was able to find a babysitter RIGHT THEN. Needless to say, my cousin now thinks I'm an over-controllng biiitch, and won't go to anymore functions that we throw, even when her little "angels" are invited.

To be honest, when planning the wedding, it was her children that made my sister decide she didn't want children. They have a history of being horrendous little demons, and my cousin tends to think that the sun shines out of their every orifice.

All I can say, good luck, and stick to your guns.

smokeybailey · April 2010

Wow. Who are all these people?

astsp99 · April 2010

I understand your pain. We are also having the same exact issue with our reception. With my very large extended family we would have almost 50 kids under the age of 16.We chose a small formal setting for the reception (not kid friendly) that is attached to a bar/resturant. Would you take your kid to the bar any other time--NO, it's called a babysitter and that is what adults do when they have an adult event to attend.

At the last major family event my cousin's 3 year old jumped up on the table and ran across it catching the balloons and popping them. When she refused to address the situation I grabbed him and pulled him off. He actually bit me!!!

That was when we decided NO KIDS. My fiance has 3 young children to his first marriage and they are in the wedding. I have no problem if guests bring them to the wedding but not even our own kids will be at the reception. I just keep having family members with children and understand to field the questions and remind them that 21 is 21. I've only had one guest still insist on bringing his 16 year old daughter.

Good Luck!

khace · April 2010

I flipping love these message boards...they are hilarious...and if anyone ever made a movie from them I'd go see it (and hopefully this post is noted and I can claim royalties for the idea...jk...sort of)

My sister is pregnant with her first child and it will be 3 months old by the time I get married. Both she and my bro in law are IN the wedding. I tried to delicately say that we aren't having kids there and she literally said she'd just "stick it under the table" meaning the baby. My sister is pretty funny, but I wasn't all that sure she was joking. We have a few people who will have newborns at that time and we're going to provide a sitter. Not sure if they'll use it or not, but it at least makes me feel better that we offered an alternative. We're more worried about the + guest issue.
I've basically decided that some people are just going to be pissed off no matter what. I also realize that someone is inevitably going to piss us off as well by deciding that they didn't like what WE decided. I'm just mentally preparing myself and will deal with each situation as it comes up. LOVE IT

Luauykiki · April 2010

Mrs. Pudding: I feel your pain. My Fiance has a HUGE family and 91 family members to invite (75 of them children.) I put my foot down to children from the beginning. What I have told guests is that if they feel they want to travel to Texas with their children, I will provide the names and numbers of reputable sitters in the area, but will not be providing the actual sitter myself. Some people expect weddings to be like a family reunion but I, like you, see them as an adult activity. Horror story alert: a friend of mine requested the same: no children, and lo and behold 5 kids showed up to the wedding. She had her maid of honor quietly deal with the guests and removed the screaming children from the reception to into another part of the hotel. Just tell your MOF to run interference for you!

Sing2phins · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:d80f8f94-ddd1-405a-93e5-77f625a3d904">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. Who are all these people?
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]
Seriously. This is my question. Maybe my family/friends are exceptionally well-behaved, but I just cannot imagine (a) that my nieces and nephews and young cousins and friends' kids would run around like they were on crack, or (b) that if they did, their parents wouldn't step right up and shut that shiit down, or (c) that if I opted for a no-kids policy at my wedding (which I would never do), that anyone in my circle would just bring their kids anyway.

My condolences to those of you who cannot say the same.

AnneNM · April 2010

Definitely don't let anyone here make you feel bad. I don't know why a person would continue "contributing" if all she is going to add to the discussion is "I told you so." And calling someone a "peach?" In poor taste.

It sounds like you are already spending a lot of money to make this a really nice event. I actually DO think you should be able to expect more maturity and politeness from people. If I received a no kids invite, I would respect the request. It sounds like you were polite when the one little kid set fire to a tablecloth. It seems like they could be polite in understanding that your event is not a "color on the tablecloth" kind of deal. If they don't like it, they don't have to come. It's your day!

Maybe, though, since you are already doing so much, you could find some older cousin or a friend of a friend to volunteer as a babysitter. I do NOT think you should have to pay her/him for his/her services; leave that to the parents. But that way, you could just give them the phone number of the babysitter when they complain to you about that stuff.

You might want to emphasize that there will be nothing age-appropriate for the child there-- nothing for them to do for fun-- and wouldn't they much rather spend the day with Mrs. Babysitter or going to Chuck E Cheese with Ms. Nanny? It shouldn't be your job to do, but since you've already put this much work into making your event awesome, you may have to take on this extra thing. You could even plan a cool kid-filled day for them to go on with someone while your events are taking place.

Seriously, if the kid is under 10 years old, he/she may only have a foggy recollection of it in years to come, and I can guarantee he/she will not care about being invited...

nda_roxybabe · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:0487a0f8-a4f6-445e-8629-32dab9dcc452">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't have to be so freakin rude. This is her board and she needs to vent. And no, she should NOT expect her family members to be so selfish. She has every right to be frustrated. If you don't like this topic then get off the board. It's not like she's asking you personally.
Posted by Bwitchd3[/QUOTE]
Really? It's her board? She owns it? She's the only one allowed to post on it?
Yea, didn't think so.
She is asking us personally, she's asking it on a PUBLIC board where anyone can respond how ever they like.
Why don't you get off the board if you think people here are rude?

nda_roxybabe · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:97f22408-9352-4e2b-9303-f8aea4a062e5">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]Definitely don't let anyone here make you feel bad. I don't know why a person would continue "contributing" if all she is going to add to the discussion is "I told you so." And calling someone a "peach?" In poor taste.
Posted by AnneNM[/QUOTE]
Because its a public board and people can respond when and how they want.

ginn_ca · April 2010

I am having a similar problem. Some of my family and friends have younger children and it just would not work for our evening ceremony. My son is 6 and will be in our wedding and I have made arrangements for him to go home with Nanna after dinner. I am fully aware that because of the location (hour drive or more for family) there is no way otheres are going to be able to pop home to drop the kids with a sitter. I have asked for no kids and was also shocked by how offended some people have become and how many requests for exceptions I have recieved. Funniest part is that it's the people with well behaved kids that I wouldnt mind as much at the wedding who would never think to bring them to a formal evening wedding and the ones with . . . . well, kids who are harder to contain that are offended that the children are not invited.
Dinner is not served till 7, thats when my little guy usually starts his bedtime routine so by the time dinner and our family dance is over, the one child who cant drive that will be attending, will be on his way home to bed.
Will some people just show up with their kids . . . I've heard they might and in the 4 months of planning I've done so far, I've gotten a bit of practise at letting things go. So, if somebody does chose to ignore my specific request on my day, I hope it's not a kid who is good with matches, LOL!!!!

jcs0328 · April 2010

It's a touchy subject, but it's YOUR wedding. You have the right to be a little selfish now because it's your big day. If they really want to be at your wedding, they'll make arrangements...if they don't want to be at your wedding, they'll stay home with the kids. It's your decision, and other people have to respect that because it's your WEDDING DAY!!!!!

[Deleted User] · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:0487a0f8-a4f6-445e-8629-32dab9dcc452">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't have to be so freakin rude. This is her board and she needs to vent. And no, she should NOT expect her family members to be so selfish. She has every right to be frustrated. If you don't like this topic then get off the board. It's not like she's asking you personally.
Posted by Bwitchd3[/QUOTE]

Wait. Whose board is it? I thought this was my board. I bought it on eBay for $567.98.

krollkl · April 2010

Okay... Interesting "supportive" comments here. I thought these boards were to allow someone to vent. What happened to if you had nothing nice to say don't say anything rule? She doesn't want kids at her wedding, and yes, I think you went slightly overboard to get your point across. That being said, it is your wedding. I am having an 11 year old (Jr BM), and 9 year old twins (FG and RB) and that's it. We were told we were only having a certain number of guests and that we had to invite certain family members. As my parents are paying for most of the wedding, they get the say. However, we all didn't want kids around aside from the 3 mentioned. Personal choice. Addressed save-the-dates and will address the invitations to specific people. Have no issue making needed phone calls if anyone gets any idea they are bringing their kid. That's when personal phone calls will be made. I do agree with those that said to say to each I don't want your kid there. I apologize if you are unable to come if that in any way hinders your ability to come, however that is what we wish. Yup people will be pissed, some may even hold grudges...Yup I know this prior to making this decision, but the difference is I don't care. Now the question is...do you?

krollkl · April 2010

Yup, people have the right to respond any way they want, but If they have crappy things to say-why waste their time to do so. So, this may not be the biggest deal in the whole world, but it matters to her. That's what these boards are for. Get off your high freakin' horse.

[Deleted User] · April 2010

Who are you talking to?

smokeybailey · April 2010

And who are you?

MrsKevers · April 2010

I know what you mean. You'd be surprised at how many people think, "Oh, she doesn't mean that for us..thats just so that Cousin So-and-so doesn't get offended because, well you know how her kids are." I am not having the wedding I really wanted because Fi wanted a bigger, more formal wedding whereas I wanted to take two friends and elope to some great vacation/honeymoon spot. So i figured if I gave an inch I might as well give a mile and we are having kids in the wedding and unfortunately for my beautiful dress I am sure this will spell disaster. I love my children and I love other children but i almost always hate their parents. The one child that will be at my wedding that worries me most is also the one who's mother is most likely to be the first guest to leave so at least there is that. Siiiigh...i really want to go to Vegas. You are right though, its your wedding, your party, your money and your life. This is what happens when we don't teach our kids the "stuffy" part of manners. Around here people actually have the nerve to bring Children to a baby shower. Nothing surprises me anymore. Best wishes Hon.

MrsRicePudding · April 2010

Thanks for your support ladies. It mostly makes me laugh - when I'm not feeling really frustrated by it. I think it all comes down to respect - and that a small number of parents are super disrespectful. FI and I fully expect most of the parents with young kids not to come; in a perfect world we'd love for them to be there, but are absolutely fine with them saying they can't come. This is a wedding, it's about my FI and I. It isn't about anyone else. End of story. We're looking forward to celebrating this with our friends and family - but if they can't come it's okay. We're still doing this for us, not anyone else.

It would never occur to me to "demand" to bring someone who wasn't invited, so I'm flabbergasted by peoples response that I'm the one who's selfish by not including kids. Our wedding, our rules. And for people who can't make it - either because they don't want to, can't, or can't/won't leave their kids at home - we'll miss them and see them again some other time. Kids meals are $40 and it doesn't matter how much they eat, FI & I would still be paying that bill. 35 kids x $40 = $1400. If you girls have an extra $1400 in your budgets that's fantastic, but we don't. I think parents forget this; having to get a sitter may be an expense for you, but it's a bigger expense for us if you bring him. Some have said that their little one will eat off mom & dad's plate, but our venue plates everyone they seat. So all kids would get a kids plate.

We spoke with our family members personally to give them plenty of time to decide what they wanted to do; we let them know 16 months in advance. And the people who have complained the loudest are family members who have left their kids at home with friends or relatives while they went away for the weekend, or more. So, it is possible for them. This is a choice that they will have to make and whatever their answer is fine by us.

In the end, I think that this is really an issue of being polite and respectful. The fact that it's a wedding doesn't change the rules. If someone threw a pool party, you wouldn't show up with rollerblades just because you don't like to swim. You decide if you want to go, if you're able to go, and then you go or don't go. It's that simple.

And for people who do show up with kids? I don't think it will happen, EVERYBODY in my family knows about our feelings on the matter. I know we'll get a lot of "if they can't come, I can't come", and that's okay because my answer is "We'll really miss you, but please give the kids a big hug for me and I can't wait to see you some other time". Just because they're having a hard time deciding what they want to do doesn't make it hard for me. When they decide, they'll let me know.

For one particularly stubborn parent - who just kept saying that it wouldn't be a bother if her son came, he's so mature, he'll enjoy himself, etc; I spoke with her calmly and clearly and told her what we had decided. She brought it up again and I told her straight out that if someone is willing to show that much blatant disrespect towards us at our wedding, then they didn't need to be there and they would be asked to leave. Calmly, clearly, but without any doubt that I was serious.

To all the Brides in my same boat: we really felt strongly on this and have no intentions on changing our mind. Allowing one child will do more harm to family relations than not allowing them at all. We made a commitment to each other that this is what we want, and seeing as it's our wedding day we're sticking to that decision. If dear friends and relatives can't come, it's okay for us - we'll see them again soon. This is not the Last Supper. For people who have been rude to us or just really pushy we have adopted a "Calmly clearly and sincerely - no kids". We went overboard by talking to everyone individually, and the website, and everything else because we know from past experiences there are some parents who will do what they want no matter what - and that wasn't going to happen with us. Not all of you will have to do that, every family is different. Heck, if we had more appropriate parents in our group we might have made a different opinion. Regardless, this decision isn't any different than choosing a menu, venue, or my dress. 'Thank you for telling me how I should wear my hair, I'll bear it in mind. You think a band is better than a DJ, thanks for your input.' That's all it is, input. We've made all the decisions. so far, we're going to make this one too. Good luck, and I'll be sure to let you know how it turns out.

For all my naysayers: If you wouldn't dream of a wedding without children, then by all means have them. It's your wedding, you should do what you want. It doesn't make you a bridezilla to have reasonable requests - and asking parents to leave their children at home is reasonable, as long as you accept that some people will be unable to come. If you're a parent who can't understand why kids wouldn't be invited to a wedding - I don't know what to say. Some functions are not child appropriate. Kids like babysitters. Sometimes you have to miss out on things because of the kids - because they got sick, because of school, or because they weren't invited. It's life, it changes when you have kids. You know this. Weddings are really expensive, and adding kids tacks on a hefty bill that the bride and groom pay for - not you. It's awesome that you want your child to feel included in everything, and that you see weddings a s a family gathering. Believing it doesn't make it right for everyone, and sometimes it means people do things in a different way than you. If it's something you can't accommodate or abide, then respectfully decline.

And for the few who deliberately nasty - seriously? Get a life. Your immaturity was impressive. I wish you well.

Thanks for all your thoughts, good luck everyone with your plans, and congratulations on your engagement and weddings!

MRP

nda_roxybabe · April 2010

I'm sorry I don't follow that silly "If you have nothing nice to say..." rule. No high horse here, but you can't tell anyone how to respond.

This is one of the weirdest threads. A million brand spanking new posters? Odd.

[Deleted User] · April 2010

Can we salvage this thread with random hip hop lyrics? I'll start.

I'm so hip hop, I bust nut in graffiti.

tammey · April 2010

We are doing the same thing for our wedding. We both have humungous families, and if we invited the kids, we would also have over 40 children there. We are also planning a weekend, with the entire bridal party, parents,and siblings for the night before, next day wedding, and have booked the entire place to accommodate our guests overnight. The only children that will be there are our siblings children and the flower girl and ringbearer, (who ARE our siblings kids.)

In my family, weddings have always been family events, and I felt a little guilty about not inviting the kids, when I knew some people wouldn't be able to attend if I didn't. When I talked to my mom about it she said, "For god's sake honey- these are expensive affairs, and the kids are an unwarranted expense. And beside that, how often do parents really get to have a weekend without their children? If they don't understand, too bad." Not to mention the screaming, rotten little monsters in the group. Let's be real- not everyones kid is an angel, and in my family, about half are spoiled attention seeking brats. Who needs it? Everyone wants to eat, drink, and be merry. You wouldn't take your children to a black tie reception at the local awards banquet, why is there a need to bring them to my wedding?

On that note, I have attended several weddings where my children were not invited. (This is my second marriage) I had the best time when they were home!

fgreene · April 2010

You may want to rethink providing sitters unless you're planning to just kick people out who come with their children to events.

Good luck!

agentkitten75 · April 2010

I so understand what you are going through. I want a kid free wedding. Although we are having flower girls and a ring bearer, to my dismay my FI is allowing his cousin to bring her two kids as well so over all ther will be 8 kids there, BUT i put my foot down and said under no circumstance can they stay after dinner. I will not have kids running around during the reception. SO, we are hiring a nanny service to stay at our onsite vinyard house to watch the kids so the parents can have a good time and I dont have kids running all over the place.

realtimereporter2 · April 2010

Boy, I'm with YOU, Mrs. RP. I'm going thru the very same thing with my step-daugter. She has 4 kids, the youngest being 5. I saw him at 2 and he was frightening! Cries constantly. And his siblings are just bundles of energy. They're just constantly creating drama. I asked SD not to bring the youngest. I figured the 13 y.o., the 9 y.o., and the 7 y.o. could handle it and even participate in the wedding party. But not the 5 year old. We even offered to provide a camp counselor for them after the ceremony since they would have been the only kids invited. Thought they could have fun by the pool and in the rec room of the club we were at while Mom and Dad enjoyed an adults evening of liquor and fun. Well, my SD came unglued. She was VERY offended that they weren't all invited and said none of them would come, then. And ya' know what? I'm relieved as hell! Now it's all adults, no questions asked, and it will be exactly what we want. I say good for you for setting your boundaries and sticking to them. There's a place for children to not be seen or heard, and it's at our weddings!!!!!!

You go, girl!

Beets

nda_roxybabe · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:7367bd7e-d44e-4d36-85cd-bedc61a37293">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]Boy, I'm with YOU, Mrs. RP. I'm going thru the very same thing with my step-daugter. She has 4 kids, the youngest being 5. I saw him at 2 and he was frightening! Cries constantly. And his siblings are just bundles of energy. They're just constantly creating drama. <strong>I asked SD not to bring the youngest. I figured the 13 y.o., the 9 y.o., and the 7 y.o. could handle it and even participate in the wedding party. But not the 5 year old. </strong>We even offered to provide a camp counselor for them after the ceremony since they would have been the only kids invited. Thought they could have fun by the pool and in the rec room of the club we were at while Mom and Dad enjoyed an adults evening of liquor and fun. Well, my SD came unglued. She was VERY offended that they weren't all invited and said none of them would come, then. And ya' know what? I'm relieved as hell! Now it's all adults, no questions asked, and it will be exactly what we want. I say good for you for setting your boundaries and sticking to them. There's a place for children to not be seen or heard, and it's at our weddings!!!!!! You go, girl! Beets
Posted by realtimereporter2[/QUOTE]
I understand not inviting children but it's rude to split up siblings like that.

JPML619 · April 2010

I totally agree with you and we are not having to kids at our wedding and my grandma still doesn't get it! Good luck to you!

brittlepurplecrayons · April 2010

I COMPLETELY understand!

My brother put my 4 year old niece on his lap and **over the speaker phone** got her to ask me: "Auntie, am I not invited to your wedding?"

Not like I hadn't told my brother MONTHS ago that we would be providing a babysitter if they didn't want to find their own. Not like I hadn't told both my brother and sister-in-law MONTHS ago that we wanted them at the wedding as my SIBLINGS, not parents!

His response: Oh. I thought you meant that just for the reception.

My response: I understand there was a miscommunication, but this will be a no child wedding from start to finish. So if your babysitter is not available to watch your kids from when we start taking photos, feel free to use ours.

UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVEABLE.

nda_roxybabe · April 2010

Seriously Beatles, It's a whole 'nother world in here. Cew and I decided Alien Invasion is clrealy whats happened.

carrieoz_76 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-kids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5d29de-3d24-42f5-b120-447b9fd70b3fPost:7fbc98ec-0c2c-47e7-8dc1-8c09bb844133">Re: No kids = No Kids!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids = No Kids! : Shh Carrie, just back away slowly. It's a minefield of crazy and longwindedness here.
Posted by beatlesgirl25[/QUOTE]
<div>Will do. Although, if I have a hard time falling asleep I might come back. :)</div>

giddyuplizzy · April 2010

We are facing this issue, as well. However, we didnt go to the great lengths you did to make it clear to everyone with kids that they arent invited. Instead, we relied on people to be keen on proper etiquette and not-so-subtle hints (methods of addressing STDs, invites, response cards, etc.). Our tactic is as follows (and this can only be implemented if you have the means): we are providing a separate room at the church for anyone that has been rude enough to bring their young child with them. We are NOT telling any quests about this set-up before hand, as we feel it will only encourage them to bring their screaming brats, seeing as we have a place for them. We are doing the same thing at the reception: having a separate room (located on the 2nd floor of the building) for the children under 12 where they will be babysat and dine on a meal that does NOT cost $150/plate while their parents sit with the rest of the adults in the main dining room. Again, we are not forewarning any guests of this arrangement. We think this will eliminate all problems associated with kids- tell people before hand not to bring them, but have a secret backup plan if they actually show up with them.
Good luck!! and remember not to let it ruin your day. = )

No kids = No Kids!

Re: No kids = No Kids!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards