Etiquette

Vent - advice welcome (AE)

I need to vent to you girls for a minute, and I'm doing this under an AE for reasons that will likely become obvious as you read on....

My FI went to a bachelor party this weekend; it was a small event, just him, the groom, a mutual friend who's married and one other guy I didn't know.  Well, guy#4 suggested they go to a strip club, none of them had ever been and the bride had indicated she wanted the groom to 'go all out' etc. I don't have a huge problem with this by itself.

In FI's words they "must have had sucker written all over them" when they walked in the door.  The girls swarmed them, started talking about how it being a b-party they need to go to the VIP room, etc. and they ushered the guys to the back.  FI decided to treat the groom, so he gave them his credit card.  Apparently the four of them were in the back room with three girls, after an hour FI said 'okay, that's enough, we're done' and the girl insisted that they were already into the second hour so they might as well enjoy it because they were already paying for it. 

They finally get out of the room and FI is presented with a bill for $9700!!  That's right, two zeros.  Nothing's itemized, they're on the phone with our bank because they of course rejected the charge initially - FI's telling the bank this can't be right, that can't be the right amount.  The dancers are surrounding him and insisting he sign the receipts and he felt like he couldn't get out of there without doing so, so he signed them but told the bank he was disputing the charge, so it's on hold. 

He's since talked to the strip club's finance group who have 'itemized' everything for him - $1000 for a bottle of champagne he didn't order; $2000/hr for the three girls (which he was not told upfront, they didn't even ask the girls to come back the girls pulled them back there), plus the girls signed him up for the tipping plan which DOUBLES their rate, and the club has a 20% surcharge on all credit cards.  He's supposed to talk to the manager tonight to discuss at least cutting down on SOME of the costs - so we'll see where that leads.

Of course the groom and our other friend offered to pitch in after they realized what happened, but each said they can really only swing about $2k - the single guy whose idea it was to go in the first place of course didn't offer anything; so we're currently on the hook for $6k.

I'm just sick to my stomach thinking about it.  And as if the money aspect of it isn't enough I also am having a serious self worth / trust internal debate. I keep picturing FI sitting there with this naked girl rubbing up against him and taking his hands and putting them on her body and it just makes me want to cry and throw up at the same time.  I said earlier in the post that I don't have a huge issue with strip clubs in general, but that's when I was picturing them sitting at a table watching a girl up on a stage.  Reading some of the reviews of this place online (looking to see if this is a common scam they pull) I got a much more graphic image that I wish I could erase.

What am I supposed to do here?  I'm just sick about it, I'm having a hard time thinking about and even looking at FI - and it's not that I'm mad at him exactly, he's made it very clear that he's extrememly remorseful about it and feels stupid etc.  But I just can't get rid of these mental images no matter how hard I try.

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Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE)

  • Wow.  I just ... um, wow. 

    That's all I have for now because I'm really shocked by the bill. 

    I'm so sorry this happened!
  • OH.MY. That really freaking sucks. I would have no idea what to do in this situation. I would definitely fight my hardest to get the charges changed, but the bottom line is, he did give his card and not check how much it would be. How much did he think it would be? I guess he could offer the club that amount and say they could take it or he would be disputing the charges.

    As for the trust stuff.. well, that's just something you have to overcome. I would practice the "don't ask, don't tell" policy in this situation, since it seems you trusted him before you realized what other kind of trouble he may or may not have gotten into.
  • I can't say I would feel any differently from you, though I think I *would* be a upset with FI for so willingly turning over his card without any upfront agreement for what he is paying for.

    I'm not even involved in the situation and reading it made me sick to my stomach. I have nothing to add at this point either...
  • I would be hella pissed but FI would never set foot in a strip club anway. I really don't know what you should do though. That's just an insane amount.
  • Yeah, that's a good point. What was the amount that he signed for? If he signed for 9700 I am not sure that there is a way out of this.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-advice-welcome-ae?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb35af4c-b0a6-463f-853d-24763947d880Post:636aad65-9f9c-41fe-941e-fa7d757577b0">Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE)</a>:
    [QUOTE]OH.MY. That really freaking sucks. I would have no idea what to do in this situation. I would definitely fight my hardest to get the charges changed, but the bottom line is, he did give his card and not check how much it would be. How much did he think it would be<strong>? I guess he could offer the club that amount and say they could take it or he would be disputing the charges</strong>. As for the trust stuff.. well, that's just something you have to overcome. I would practice the "don't ask, don't tell" policy in this situation, since it seems you trusted him before you realized what other kind of trouble he may or may not have gotten into.
    Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]

    We talked it over last night and he's going to see if he can get it down to around $4500.  If $2k is the rate for the girls then that times two hours, plus SOME tip (but not double) and he's trying to get the bar bill completely dismissed because they didn't order the champagne.  That split 3 ways since his friends offered to chip in is at least more manageable.
  • Wow, just WOW!  Holy Bejeezers....OUCH!
  • The money is awful, and I really hope you can try to work some of this out, but try not to focus too much on the stripper stuff -- I'd guess after this experience you wouldn't be able to drag your FI back to a strip club.
    Lizzie
  • Eeeek!

    I have nothing else to add, but sorry OP, this situation's just a mess.
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  • achiduckachiduck member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    WOW. I would talk to your FI about how you're feeling with the trust issues.

    I would also talk to a lawyer about the bill before your FI talks to the club manager.  I could be completely off base, but it seems pretty shady to not disclose costs when you're dealing with a customer.

    I sincerely hope you guys don't get stuck with that bill.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Something about this bill situation just doesn't add up to me.  I know strip clubs are outrageously expensive and do some of this slimy stuff, but 10K seems more than a little outrageous, to the point of absurd.  I think it would be talking to some sort of consumer protection agency or an attorney before I even thought about trying to negotiate it on my own.  

    ETA: and you'd better believe I'd be disputing that the charge through my bank.  
  • I would contact your local attorney general's office. I work at a chamber of commerce, and we don't have a local division of the BBB, so we refer people to the AG to report business fraud. They should be able to advise you on what can be done.
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  • The groom's uncle was going to ask around about potential lawyers to help us out (groom's dad and uncles were with them for part of the night, but not the strip club - but they told them about it because they were so blind sided).  We're hoping to avoid telling anyone in our families :-/  (normally I'd go to my parents or uncle in a heartbeat for advice but I'm just so embarassed I can't bring myself to do it).
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-advice-welcome-ae?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb35af4c-b0a6-463f-853d-24763947d880Post:6f85a096-e5cd-4d48-a45d-d474ea1a22fd">Re: Vent - advice welcome (AE)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would contact your local attorney general's office. I work at a chamber of commerce, and we don't have a local division of the BBB, so we refer people to the AG to report business fraud. They should be able to advise you on what can be done.
    Posted by raes19[/QUOTE]

    thanks for the tip - I'll suggest that to FI
  • I hope your bank will be helpful.

    Once I had a bar charge double the amount I was told for my tab (although mine was 24$ instead of 12$ so NBD).  By cc company refused to do anything about the charges since the bar had physically swiped my card.  

    They said that I gave consent -_-  Hopefully his bank/cc company won't pull that crap on him.

    (That bartender got stiffed on tips from a table of 20 that night because of it, so I got my revenge at least)

    Sounds like trying to negotiate with the club will be his best bet- imply that he's going to refuse the charge and they might try to get something rather than nothing.  But I would refuse to tip the girls, honestly.

  • Eh, I used to work in the boutique at an upscale strip club. 10K is not out of the question at all. I'm sorryto say but he signed for the charges, I dont see how a lawyer can get you out of that. I would agree to try to talk to the owner, but he blindly handed over his card, so I don't know how much they will do. GL though, hopefully the owner is really understanding.

    As for the trust thing, Rachers is right, it's way tamer than the website would lead you to believe. Its actually illegal to touch a stripper. I know that it happens, but I wouldn't worry too much about it.

    If you don't trust that your FI behaved though, you need to talk to him about why you don't trust him.
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  • If he paid with a Credit Card, as opposed to a Debit Card, you can even take it up straight with the Credit Card company, and dispute the charges.  Credit Card co's are really good that way, actually.  They can handle the whole situation for you.  I'm not sure about if it's a debit card though, since that come out of your actual checking account.

    Also, I think it's probably a good idea to talk to him about how you're feeling about the back room.

    I know hindsight is 20/20 as has been mentioned, but two hours w/ a gaggle of strippers in a back room w/ a bunch of guys, I would definitely think that WOULD be incredibly expensive.

    I'm sorry OP, hugs, it will be ok.
  • edited December 2011
    WOW. A couple of H's groomsmen went to a strip club in Vegas and got swarmed and offered "free" drinks and all kinds of stuff and got tanked. One groomsman spent $6000. But that was for THREE girls and... a hotel room if you get my meaning. So how could it have been over $9K?!? That is insane.

    I would definitely be pissed as hell if my H went to a strip club's VIP room without my knowing. And I would be beyond mad that he handed over his credit card without really thinking about it. It was a mistake, sure, but a costly one.
  • Yeesh..

    The whole situation sucks. I don't know what to tell you about the bill part, but for the part with your FH, just talk to him. You said there were only 3 girls but 4 guys so maybe he just watched?
  • OK, I'm sorry, but I would be worrying about your FI's common sense and life skills and not whether or not he touched a stripper's boobies.

    Who just hands out their credit card at the strip club? What did he think was going to happen? Of course they charged him for all kinds of ridiculous crap. It sounds like he pretty much gave them the go-ahead. 

    My H has been to strip clubs for multiple bachelor parties (including his own) and the people at the club always try to get the guys to go into the private room or to buy the groom a lap dance. It's how these things work. Luckily he never fell for it. 


  • @Anna - yeah, I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around it.  We talked about it last night and he just can't seem to verbalize what he was thinking.  Basically that he didn't want to be the uptight one and he wanted the groom to have fun, etc. 

    The worst part is that I can tell he's beating HIMSELF up about it so much I want to be mad at him but can't because he's already so clearly distraught.
  • Well hopefully he learned his lesson. And for his sake, I hope he was wasted because that might make it slightly more understandable.

    Hopefully he can reach an agreement with the club and I maybe if you are really lucky the other guys will pitch in to pay the tab. 
  • Holy Crap. I'm sorry you're in this situation! First, $9700 is absolutly crazy!! I have no idea what "going rates" are at strip clubs but this does seem high! Do strip-clubs have a price list or menu if you will?

    Your FI should have never just handed over a credit card without knowing how much services cost. Or when he did, he definitely should have asked about prices before anything takes place. They might have not "asked" for three girls but most people would probably know that three girls would be more expensive than one or two. Oviously, the girls are there to make money. Also, they might not have "asked" for a bottle of champagne, but when they received it, they drank it right? If the bottle wasn't opened then you'd have a better argument there.

    That is also nice of the other guys to pitch in money to help with the bill. However, they don't necessarily need to because it seemed like your FI willingly gave his card. In hindsight, they should have all pitched money in before anything took place and then only got services within their budget. I really really hope they lower the charges for you.


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  • HOLY CRAP. I had no idea strip clubs could be that expensive. How much is a hooker for a night?!? 

    I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm with Anna in that it was a stupid thing to do and I hope FI learns a very, very valuable $10K lesson.
  • $1000 for a bottle of champagne that they didn't order... but did they drink it? 

    If the charges that have appeared were for services rendered, I think this might just be one of those learning experiences that really, really suck.  The only thing you might be able to dispute is the double tip, but if he handed his card over and signed for it, I think you guys are toast. 

    It's a hard pill to swallow and I'd have a hard time looking at my H the same if he did something like that.  Are you guys on combined income yet, or is it his own money he's wasting?  I think I would be pissed, and think he's a moron if it were his own money, but if it came off of a joint card and a joint account, I'd be super pissed. 
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  • Yay a Bec siting!!!

    How goes the new job!  You must be in heaven?
  • New job is awesomely awesome! I'm crazy busy, but I love it. The days FLY by! I don't have a lot of knot time, but hopefully it will settle down once the new year starts and I find my groove. :)

    Sorry for the threadjack, OP!
  • Wow. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think PPs gave good advice. Anna is right. I really hope he learns a lesson. As much as I don't want to picture H touching on another woman, the fact that he spent 10k on one would be worse to me. It would be hard for to me get over that he was so careless. 

    I really hope everything works out for you. 
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  • I'm with Habs. I'd be livid if it was our money that H did that with.

    I'm so sorry that happened and I really hope you guys can work something out.
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